by Irene S. Levine, PhD
Carlin Flora, features editor of Psychology Today, recently put together an awesome article that is full of advice for those struggling with modern friendship dilemmas--from how to heal rifts to how to network the non-slimy way.
Read her piece here: Friends: Awkward Encounters of the Friendly Kind
QUESTION
Dear Irene:
About 8 months ago, I had my heart broken by my best friend of three years. Liz and a guy I had been dating for a short time slept together after they had been drinking excessively. Liz and the guy, Dave, had been friends since high school and she was the one who set me up with him. However, this particular night, she told me she was lonely and was going to have sex with him - I didn't believe her. When I found out, I felt devastated and betrayed by them both.
Dave apologized repeatedly. We are no longer dating but I have been able to forgive him. Liz, on the other hand, hasn't even apologized once and refuses to take responsibility for her part in what happened. She blames Dave completely and says he took advantage of her. She and I have had many talks but her story doesn't quite add up, especially since she said she intended to sleep with him that night.
Whenever I speak to Dave or mention something about him, she makes me feel SO guilty for talking to him "after what he did to her." Our mutual friends think she is blaming him so that she doesn't have to admit that she did something so wrong and hurtful to me.
Since this happened, I have turned into a jealous, self-conscious, mistrusting person with friends and boyfriends alike. I began self-medicating with alcohol and got into bad situations. She blamed me for anything bad that happened instead of seeing that I was in pain. In her eyes, we are still best friends. We have even discussed moving out of state together. However, I still don't forgive her or trust her.
I want an apology. I want to stop feeling manipulated, self-conscious, and depressed. I will always love her and don't want to hurt her, but being friends with her is hurting ME. Why haven't I been able to move past this after 8 months? Is there any chance our friendship can be saved? How can I talk about this with her without feeling guilty and manipulated?
Signed,
Hayley
ANSWER
Dear Hayley,
If Liz hasn't taken responsibility for her actions after 8 months, she isn't likely to apologize any time soon. Adding insult to injury, she has positioned herself, rather than you, in the role of the victim. YOU were the one who was betrayed by your two friends. Liz may believe you are still best friends simply because you've taken no steps to make her think otherwise.
Sometimes people believe they need to obtain closure from another person before they sever a friendship. This isn't true. Be forthright and open in expressing your anger and disappointment in Liz's behavior and move on. Follow up your words with actions. This will give you a sense of closure.
Liz lacks the empathy and insight you would expect from a good friend. You will continue to feel badly about yourself if you continue this toxic friendship in the hopes that Liz will change.
Hope this helps.
Best,
Irene
Based on an international survey of phone users, more than 1/4 of 122 respondents reported changing their phone numbers at least 20 times. Seven out of 10 users said they had lost touch with a friend because of a changed number.
Please share your experiences/comments!
Daylle Schwartz, author of Nice Girls Can Finish First, has heard a litany of complaints that people make about their friends: Why does she take me for granted? How can he flirt with my girlfriend? Why don’t I get support? Many of them had friends who were consistent downers too, whining about the same problem to whomever would listen.
Daylle realized that she---and perhaps, the rest of us---have some of the same tendencies. “I used to be the Queen of Complainers,” says Daylle. “Talking with a friend was often an opportunity to rant about someone or a situation that annoyed me.” In this guest post, Daylle presents some actionable tips for evaluating yourself and changing the status quo.
Be objective,
how would friends describe you as a friend?
Write it down and see if this is the kind of person that you’d want as a
friend. If you don’t like what you see, redefine yourself. I hated the “old
me.” That version that thought she had little to offer and was mainly concerned
with pleasing others in an unhealthy way. Now I’ve upped my value and see a
beautiful, caring, spiritual woman with a loving heart; a smart, creative,
intuitive, forever young free spirit living with passion. That’s me! Period.
Gone is too fat and not worthy. Accepting my new definition made it true.
Now write down what you’d like in a friend. Do you have all those qualities?
If not, begin to work on YOU! Focus on specific things you like in others and
begin to adopt their habits, the way they handle themselves, or the kind of
personality you enjoy or whatever else you see as positive qualities. That’s
what I did. As I saw what I didn’t like in others, and then saw it in myself, I
worked to get rid of those qualities. As I adopted healthier ones that I liked
in others, I noticed I met more people who reflected those qualities.
Make an effort to live as the type of person you like to be friends with.
This works for attracting a romantic partner too. The more you develop
qualities in yourself that you’d like in someone else, the better the chance of
attracting the right person. When I was insecure and desperate for a boyfriend,
I attracted insecure guys and also friends who were desperate. I couldn’t
change them but I could change me! As I worked to grow into the qualities I wanted
in myself, I didn’t pay much attention to the results, until a funny thing
happened.
Without thinking, I said to someone how interesting it was that most of my
new friends were similar to me in the ways I find most important.
My friends are mainly people who have the same spiritual beliefs as me, who are
independent, positive thinkers and who don’t need a man to complete them. I’d
become someone with the qualities I wished for in my friends! That’s why I
attracted those types into my world.
Think about what you like in a friend. Write it all down. Then be more
conscious of developing them in yourself.
When you can say with conviction that you’d like yourself as a friend, you’re
on the right track to getting healthier friends. A bonus of that is you’ll like
yourself more so your self-esteem and confidence will ramp up greatly too!
Daylle Schwartz, a fellow member of the American Society of Journalists and Authors, is a best-selling author of 10 books, including Nice Girls Can Finish First (McGraw-Hill, 2009). She’s been a guest on more than 300 TV and radio shows, including Oprah and Good Morning America, and is frequently quoted in such publications as the New York Times and Cosmopolitan. Daylle also writes the popular blog, Lessons from a Recovering DoorMat, from which this guest post is adapted.
QUESTION:
Dear Irene,
I'm in several professional organizations with a woman who is a very good person but drives me a little bonkers. She has asked me to meet her for dinner several times, but I have always begged off. This week, she caught me at a weak moment and I said, "yes."
I have no problem spending an evening with her but don't want to encourage a one-on-one friendship. How can I avoid hurting her feelings and still maintain a relationship as colleagues rather than friends?
Sincerely,
Rhianna
ANSWER:
Dear Rhianna,
First, give her (and yourself) a chance. Even though this doesn't appear to be a case of love at first sight, there may be more to this woman than you are giving her credit for at a distance. Although you say it was a moment of weakness, something made you say "yes."
Until you see how the one-on-one evolves (perhaps, by the time you've finished the entrée), keep the discussion on a professional footing. Don't talk too much about personal matters as opposed to business; your professional tie is what brought you together so that will seem perfectly appropriate and natural. You may find out that she's more interested in networking or partnering as opposed to making you a new friend.
By the time you're up to coffee, if she is still grating on your nerves and makes overtures to get together for dinner again, be sure to let her know how busy and overextended you are with existing work obligations, family and friends. Since she is in your profession, you're likely to run in the same circles so you want to be tactful. Tell her how glad you are that you both took the time to have dinner together, finally, and that you look forward to the next time you see her at XYZ organization.
It's always good to have an exit strategy when you enter an uncertain situation. Hope this one works for you!
Best,
irene
Dear Irene,
I've been a friend with someone for over two decades. She's intelligent, a good person and very honest, but since her first marriage fell apart and she remarried, all she does is complain about her current spouse. I tried asking her what she's going to do about this. She said she doesn't know.
It's gotten to the point where I dread seeing her because she just keeps talking about how her husband is unemployed, unromantic and always arguing with her. I feel sorry for her, but I've been avoiding her since she seems to be in a tape-loop when it comes to understanding that she needs to either do something about her marriage or leave it. Do you have any suggestions for getting someone to stop complaining?
Thanks,
M.
ANSWER
Dear M,
Your friend sounds like she's hurting and can't figure a way out of her morass. By the same token, it's hard for you to befriend someone who is totally self-involved. It has to be annoying to hear the same tape being played over and over!
If you are going to save your friendship, you need to be the one who precipitates a change in your relationship with her. Firmly tell your friend that she needs to discuss her feelings with a counselor or mental health professional. Her husband may need to speak to someone too. Tell her you understand what a big decision this is for her, but you really aren't in a position to advise her one way or the other.
Remind her that everyone needs to have balance in their lives and that she can't keep ruminating about her marital problems whenever you're together. When she begins talking about her lousy marriage, channel the conversation back to another topic. Don't be surprised if she remains stuck in this situation for quite a while---unable to decide whether to leave or to work on improving the relationship.
If she doesn't pause the non-stop tape after you try this, you may have no choice but to put your friendship on a sabbatical and spend less time with her while she is working through this problem.
I hope this helps!
Best,
Irene
Some of us are hoarders and some of us are tossers. Many of us do the same thing with our friends. Yesterday, I received a Twitter message that put the idea in bold relief. It explained the problem in less than 140-characters: Bad friends prevent you from having good friends--Gabonese proverb.
More than two thousand years ago, Aristotle pointed out that when it comes to “friendships of good” (or what we might call best friends today) there are limits to the number of relationships that can be juggled simultaneously. The precise number of manageable relationships varies from person to person: Some of us have greater social needs; some are better than others in making and keeping friends. Because of survival needs, some people have less discretionary time for socializing. And some are more adept than others in juggling work, family, friends, and alone time. Gender also comes into play: Compared to men, women tend to favor a smaller, more intimate circle of friends.
Robin Dunbar, a British sociologist, studied social groups of non-human primates to estimate the number of social connections that a human being could handle at one time. That concept has been dubbed “Dunbar’s number.” He concluded that 150 is the number of friends, both close and casual, that humans are functionally hardwired to handle at the same time (the number limited by the volume of the neocortex of the brain). Another study at Liverpool University in the 1990s also found that most people have an extended network of about 150 people they consider distant acquaintances and about five that they consider close friends.
Friendships are inherently dynamic, but if you’re a hoarder, it’s tough to let go---even if the friendship has turned toxic or one-sided. And since ending a friendship is likely to be a one-way street, it isn’t something to be done in haste or taken lightly.
Yet maintaining friendships that no longer work is like having a closet cluttered with clothes of all different sizes that no longer fit. If you organize and declutter, it’s a lot easier and more rewarding to get dressed each morning. Similarly if you’re spending your time and emotions on friendships that aren’t satisfying, you are keeping yourself from developing new ones that may be more fulfilling.
TWITTER VERSION: Audit your friendships because having too many bad ones can prevent you from having good ones
QUESTION
Dear Irene,
My daughter, Amy, is 16 years old. She is a very sweet girl, a good student, and has a variety of interests like playing the flute, singing in the chorus, writing for the student paper and acting in school plays. She also has a part-time job at our local ice cream shop. She is a bit different than most kids because we live in a small town that is dominated by a certain clannish church (LDS), which we do not belong to, so she is a bit of an outcast. She has about five to ten friends. Her best friend for the past two years has been Heidi, an LDS girl that shares her interests in music and acting.
Last year, Heidi’s divorced parents began hurling accusations at each other over a custody dispute, so the local judge removed her from the home and put her into foster care. She wasn’t allowed unsupervised contact with either parent, not even phone calls. Amy and Heidi were extremely close when Heidi needed someone to help her get through this tough time. (Just as an aside, I’m not a fan of her mother. I think she is domineering and controlling. Also, she could have easily prevented her daughter from being placed in foster care by not allowing her boyfriend in her house and by playing nice with the judge.)
After a year in foster care, Heidi was allowed to live with her mother again. Now that she is back with her mom, she has distanced herself from Amy. Amy is upset and confused, not understanding what she did to deserve this. Heidi wrote Amy an e-mail saying that they have issues: Amy has more money than Heidi (because she has a job) which makes Heidi feel bad, and that Amy tries to make Heidi do immoral things (I asked what she was talking about since both girls are very good and aren’t into drinking, drugs or sex, and Amy said that she had asked her to go to the free concert at the park that the town puts on and a local music festival, both of which are family-oriented events. Apparently the fact that people (adults) drink beer at these events was the problem!)
I don’t know what to tell Amy to do. She doesn’t want to lose her best friend since most of her life she has been without a best friend, but it really angers me that this girl is being so mean to the one person who was there for her through the roughest time in her life. I told Amy to stand up for herself, and not accept blame for things she isn’t guilty of. I also explained that going to church isn’t what makes you a moral person; it is how you treat others that makes you moral.
Do you have any advice that I could pass along to her?
Signed, Helen
ANSWER
Dear Helen,
When children are young, parents often manage their relationships with other kids. As they get older, however, preadolescents and teens want to choose their own friends, sometimes from families that have different values than their own.
One of the tasks of these years is for a young, soon-to-be adult to learn the skills of being a good friend and how to assess whether a friend is being kind, loyal and trustworthy to them. There is a fine line between coaching your child and making decisions for them. While parents need to be open about expressing their own values they have to resist the impulse to jump in and solve problems for their teens unless their child’s health or safety is being threatened.
The best thing you can do is talk to your daughter about friendships, in general, and try to get her to talk openly about her feelings about her best friend. It sounds like you have made a good start. Empathize with her disappointment and reassure her that friendships, even very good ones, change over time. You might point out that Heidi may need time to reconnect and bond with her mother and isn’t able to be the friend she once was to Amy right now.
Explain to Amy that no friendship is perfect. Sometimes problems can be worked out and sometimes they can’t. Remind her that she has other family and friends to fall back upon and the fact that she has made one best friend shows that she is capable of making another. In fact, her relationship with Heidi may improve after her friend feels more comfortable in her new setting.
It is painful for a parent to see their child being hurt by a friend but consider this a teachable moment that will serve Amy well in the future. Remember that your daughter has sound values and that kids are generally more resilient than their parents think they are.
I hope this is helpful.
My best,
Irene
TWITTER VERSION - Unless your teen's health or safety is at risk, resist the temptation to solve friendship problems for her.
QUESTION
Dear Irene,
My friend and I have known each other since high school. We went to college together and I was in her wedding. We both were in the same phases of life at the same time (engaged, newly married, etc.). I enjoyed having someone to talk to about these things since many of my friends aren’t married or even in relationships.
In high school, my friend never seemed happy unless she "bettered" me in some way. This died out once we reached college. However, when I got engaged, she began pressuring her then-boyfriend to get engaged as well. For a while, she and her now husband were our go-to couple friends. After a while, I began to feel that she was using us as her excuse to make her husband stop playing video games (his only hobby) and get out and do what she wanted to do.
A friend of ours began hanging out with the four of us. Then they began hanging out with him without us—talking about whatever they had done when we weren’t around, interjecting memories about a dinner together or movie they saw, with no real reason other than to mention that he hung out with them, without us.
This wouldn't bother me if I hadn't gone through this with her in high school. I thought we were grownups and well past anything like that. We began looking for a house about six months ago, and so did they. When we bought one, she was jealous but cloaked it with fake congratulations and feigned interest in every detail of the house. They bought a house a month later in the same subdivision. They are impossible to shake.
I feel as though her "friendship" is poison, making me the self-conscious, anxious teenager I was in high school. I don't like living this competition. I'm not looking to be lifelong friends with them, so how do I break it off now that they have infiltrated every one of our social circles and our neighborhood?
Signed,
Molly
ANSWER
Dear Molly,
Since you’ve decided you want out of this friendship, you need to act that way: If she wants to get together, make yourself less available both as an individual and as a couple. When she invites you for another round of competition, say something like, “I have so much to catch up on…” or “We’ve been so busy with….”
Above all, don’t initiate contact with her. Apart from shared history, your life and that of your high school friend are now interwoven by geography and common friends so it would be better to drift apart rather than make your distaste for her explicit. You don’t want to feel uncomfortable each time you see her (or make your circle of mutual friends uncomfortable). It may turn out that your children-to-be attend the same grade at the same school!
If you are consistent in your behavior, hopefully she will get the message that you are backing off. When you see her, simply say hello and acknowledge her with a smile but don’t go any further.
Unfortunately, it sounds like your friend’s one upmanship is an enduring personality trait that stems from her own insecurities so it isn’t likely to change. All you can do is change your own behavior.
My best,
Irene
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