Month of July , 2009

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

My BFF and I spend a lot of time together but her husband isn't very social or friendly with me when I go to their place. She pressures me to arrange a night for the four of us to get together but I don't really enjoy his company and my partner doesn't either. How do I approach this without offending her? Our friendship is very important to me but when her husband is in the mix - things become very uncomfortable.

Thanks,
Amy

ANSWER

Dear Amy,

Since you’re so close, you probably need to be FAIRLY honest with your BFF. That said, you don’t want to: 1) hurt her feelings, or 2) jeopardize your relationship by telling her that her husband gives you the heebie-jeebies.

Without going into detail, tell her that you prefer spending time alone with her, without the guys. Plan your get-togethers when they aren’t around, perhaps during the week as opposed to weekends. Or if you want to get together when they are around, plan to meet on neutral territory, perhaps for lunch or coffee out, rather than at her place or yours.

Perhaps your BFF’s husband is shy and socially awkward but he is her husband. While you don’t need to become a foursome, you may want to get together as a group occasionally, perhaps once or twice a year—to see a movie (with you and your friend sitting in the center two seats ☺).

It does strike me odd, however, that your friend doesn’t sense how uncomfortable her hubby makes you feel.

Best,
Irene

QUESTION

Do you think a friendship can really exist between a straight woman and a lesbian?  I want to believe so, but I am finding that maintaining one is difficult. I am a 48-year old gay woman who has a 27-year old straight friend. We met at work about two years ago. Although there is a large age difference between us, Chelsea and I seemed to have a lot in common. Chelsea also told me that most of her friends and boyfriends have been older.

The gay/straight thing has caused a bit of a conflict during the course of our friendship. I will admit I have had feelings of jealously regarding her boyfriends but Chelsea never really wanted to talk about it. She would just hang up the phone on me if she didn’t like my comments or advice. I treated Chelsea as if she was my girlfriend, paid for dinner, plays, etc. and she liked it.

Recently our friendship has fallen off. An everyday phone call has now become once in a while. She doesn’t return my emails for days, if at all, and it seems as if I have to do the asking if I want to see her. Chelsea never asks me to do anything and she has stated she is just too busy with work and her social life in the Hamptons.

What I thought was a solid dynamic friendship is now looking like crap. I truly feel I should just let Chelsea go and if she contacts me in the future, maybe I will respond or maybe not??  I am very hurt and depressed because I do not know what happened or what I did wrong.

Thoughts???  Thank you for your help.

Sandy

ANSWER

Dear Sandy,

You are really asking a broader question: Regardless of gender, can a gay person and a straight person sustain a friendship. The answer: Yes, absolutely yes. Differences in sexual orientation don’t necessarily negate the possibility of a close friendship.

There may be a variety of reasons why your friendship with Chelsea isn’t working. I can only speculate; you sound somewhat confused but you may have more insight than you think. Could it be that you have less in common than you first thought? Could the age difference be more meaningful than it first appeared to be? Could Chelsea be feeling cautious about mixing work and friendship?

Or---is it legitimate for Chelsea to feel that you want more than a friendship from her, especially when you were jealous of her boyfriends and treated her like a “girlfriend” rather than a friend? Every friendship depends on two people establishing boundaries that are mutually comfortable. Perhaps, you inadvertently made Chelsea uncomfortable and she's not sure how to end the friendship.

Be upfront with her and ask her if she's uncomfortable with your relationship for any reason. If so, see if it is something that can be discussed and resolved. If not, you will simply need to let go---but you should feel better knowing that you tried to straighten things out. In the future, you may need to be more honest with yourself and with other women about whether your own feelings with a straight friend are platonic or something more.

Hope this is helpful.

Best,

Irene

 

 

QUESTION

I am glad so that I found this blog! Anyway, here is the deal: I have this friend. We completely hit it off when we first met (she worked with my husband). She got laid off from my husband’s company but we both put effort into our friendship. She got pregnant and had a beautiful baby girl.

Then we met up with a bunch of people at Tahoe for a little getaway. I forgot some stuff (totally my fault) and she brought it back for me. Then I couldn’t get hold of her for two months. I finally got my belongings back and we still hang out (albeit a little less). She and her husband are struggling financially. He quit his good paying job because he hated it (which is understandable) but ever since this has happened, she has put little or no effort into our friendship.

There are so many things one can do with her daughter that are cheap/free. The last few times we hung out to do errands she became abrasive when the subject of money was brought up. Even getting pissy if I don't take her financial advice.

Over the last few months she has canceled everything I have suggested to do and has not extended an olive branch to me to hang out. She did, however, invite me to her daughter’s first birthday. I really don't get how she is behaving. It's like if it isn't a big event having to do with her kid she isn't interested. Thoughts anyone?

Signed,
Jacuzzi Girl

ANSWER

Dear Jacuzzi Girl

It sounds like your friend is going through a rough patch financially---and probably emotionally, too. The two often go hand in hand. Put yourself in her shoes: She has a young child, no job, and an unemployed husband. She might really be struggling just to stay afloat.

Give her some slack. Try to understand that she has every reason to be edgy, self-involved, and depressed over her situation. Inviting you to her daughter’s birthday was her way of reciprocating and telling you that you are a friend. But she doesn’t have the energy to socialize and get outside of her situation. If you are thinking about another weeking in Tahoe, you may need to look to someone else as a playmate.

Step back, give her some time, and try again. See if there are concrete ways you can help her (perhaps, with job leads for her husband or babysitting to give the couple a break). When you are together, don’t talk about money unless she brings up the subject.

I don’t know whether she is a good or lousy friend but she is certainly in a lousy situation.

Best,

Irene

 

Every friendship, even the best of them, has predictable peaks and valleys---but the low points can still threaten even a solid friendship. Perhaps, the friend who you were sure would be your best friend forever (BFF) is beginning to feel intrusive and grating on your nerves. Or your BFF has disappointed you, let you down big-time, or displayed an inexcusable lapse in judgment. It may even be something more subtle, yet equally serious: You’re seeing each other less and less, and you simply feel like you are drifting apart. What do you say?

Many close friendships on the brink of disaster can be salvaged if friends are able to communicate openly and tell each other what’s bothering them. But it’s normal to feel awkward and tongue-tied about speaking up and talking about uncomfortable things; we all find it difficult to find the right words to say at the right time.

What better person to ask about how to handle some of these awkward but common friendship scenarios than Florence Isaacs, author of the recently released What Do You Say When…Talking to People with Confidence on any Social or Business Occasion (Clarkson Potter, May 2009)?

The questions I posed to Florence each began with What do you say to a friend when…?

Here are her responses:

1)    …your friend talks about herself too much and is beginning to bore you to tears
It depends on how close you are and how much you get out of the relationship otherwise.  If you’re not that close, the answer is, “Take her in small doses.” Maybe you have to see or talk to her less often and/or limit the amount of time you spend on each encounter. On the other hand, if she’s your best friend and you want to protect the relationship, you need to talk about this or the annoyance can build and lead to an explosion. You might try something like, “Our friendship is really important to me, but I feel our conversations are never about me and my life. I miss the back and forth we used to have.” Then keep quiet and let her respond.  She may not realize she’s become so self-involved, or there may be some reason for her behavior that you’re not aware of.

2)  … your friend asks too many personal or probing questions and is making you feel like you are on the witness stand   

First try humor, as in “Asked and answered, counselor.” This may help her realize she’s overdoing it. But if she continues to behave this way and your relationship is close, you have to be honest. You might say, “Hey, you’re asking a lot of questions. I don’t like it. Back off.”

3)  …your friend has undermined you at work

First find out whether it’s intentional. Did she mean to harm you? If the answer is no, you can still address the situation with "I know you didn’t mean to, but you messed up my client meeting.” Deliberate undermining is another matter. In that case, the friendship is over. I’d confront the person and say, “I know what you did.”  

4)  …your friend always seems to be “booked” and inaccessible, and you feel like you are drifting apart

This can happen when one friend gets married or has a baby or gets a big promotion—and the other friend does not. One has a new life style and/or new time consuming responsibilities and obligations. It can take time for both of you to figure out how to adjust. Tell the person, “I feel we hardly get together anymore and I’m afraid we’re disconnecting.” She may be as unhappy about it as you are. A conversation can lead to brainstorming solutions. It’s up to her to make an effort, however, because you’ve been trying to get together all along.

5)  …your friend has had an irreconcilable tiff with a mutual friend

Stay out of it. If she wants you on her side, tell her, “You’re both my friends and I don’t want to be part of this. It’s strictly between the two of you.” Don’t let either of them drag you into their fight, although they will probably try.

* My prolific colleague and friend also wrote Toxic Friends/True Friends: How Your Friends Can Make Or Break Your Health, Happiness, Family, and Career (William Morrow, 1999).

Whether it’s changing schools, changing neighborhoods, or heading off to summer camp, it’s tough to leave close friends behind---especially when you’re a young woman lacking self-confidence and wondering how others will judge you.

In her second book for young readers, called Slept Away (Delacorte Books for Young Readers, 2009), author Julie Kraut has written the perfect gift for moms to bring their daughters on camp visiting day to allay anxieties and any remnants of the nearly universal camper affliction: homesickness. I recently interviewed Julie about summer camp and friendship.

Julie, what made you pick this setting for your novel?

Camp was an important part of my teen experience and after coming up with Laney Parker, my main character, it seemed like sending her to camp would make for an interesting plotline with lots of hilarious scenes. And even though Slept Away isn’t the love letter to summer camp I’d write if I were telling my own story, it was still fun to use the writing process as a chance to reminisce about my summers away.

What role does friendship play in the storyline?

Big time. One of the reasons Laney is so anti-camp is that she doesn’t want to leave her New York social life behind. Once at camp, making it in the camp social scene is a huge obstacle for her. She’s lost and completely unfamiliar with her role as new girl outcast. And I don’t want to give too much of the plot away, but Laney’s summer takes a turn for the better when she finds herself mingling with some very unlikely new buds.  

Why do young women form close bonds at summer camp?

At camp, your bunkmates are more than just summer friends. They’re your summer family. You develop an intense and fast trust with and dependence on your bunkmates because you’re alone together in a new environment.  

What are some tips for making friends at camp?

• Be nice to the new girl. You were once her, remember?  
• Share. It won’t feel like only half a Hershey bar when you’ve got half the bar and a full friend.  
• Pitch in. Someone who enjoys the fire when she didn’t collect any of the firewood doesn’t make for an appealing buddy.

How can new friends help combat "homesickness"?

Homesickness hits the worse when you’re not busy and your mind can wander. Friends make keeping occupied a lot easier. It’s a lot harder to miss your annual Fourth of July family reunion BBQ when you’re cheering on a new friend who’s trying a pike from the high dive for the first time.  Plus, like I said, bunkmates become your summer family and solid friendships can help compensate for what you’re missing at home.  

Should a young woman go to camp with a friend from home?

That’s a personal decision and it depends on what you want to get out of camp. It also may vary based on age and maturity. If you’re hoping to learn how to thrive in a new community and challenge yourself by being on your own, then a BYOF (Bring Your Own Friend) situation probably isn’t the right first move. If being comfortable and keeping a close connection to your home life are your priorities, then going with a friend from home might fit your summer needs. Plus, it will give you a special experience to share with someone you already know you love.  

What are some of the perils of friendships at camp?

Maintaining a friendship post summer is probably the hardest part. At camp, a close friendship can feel effortless. Your lives are intertwined and your activities are planned. When you and your friend are back at your respective homes, you may have to work to find topics that you can discuss, take road trips to see each other, and put some effort into the calls and e-mails it takes to stay in touch. It’s a big change from the breeziness of how a camp friendship started.  

What makes some of the friendships "stick" and others fade away?

Some friendships are summer flings and others are life-long relationships. I can’t say what determines where a camp friendship will land. But I will say, put effort into maintaining your friendships over the school year, but don’t force it. There’s absolutely no way that you can be in as close contact with a camp bud over the school year as you were during the summer, so don’t expect that. Appreciate the contact you do have with your summer pals and do your best to remind them of how important they are to you throughout the school year.

I just got back from a party with two of my former counselors and one of my best friends on the entire planet was in my first bunk when we were nine years old. Aside from summertime, my best friend from camp and I were long distance friends. We kept in great touch through letters at first and then e-mail and visits. We wound up going to the same college together, which was such a treat. We’ve both graduated now and are back to being long distance friends, but we still e-mail, talk, and visit.

In my experience, whatever the problem, giving it a name is a first step in solving it. That’s why I was pleased that Merriam-Webster included the word “fren-e-my” (plural: fren-e-mies) in the list of 100 new words it announced today that were added to the Collegiate Dictionary, Eleventh Edition.

The term frenemy, seamlessly blending the words fri(end) and enemy, refers to someone who pretends to be a friend but actually is an enemy---a proverbial wolf in sheep’s clothing in the world of friendships. If you think about it, most of us have had a frenemy at one time of another, either at school, at work, or lurking in our neighborhood.

She (or he) is likely to be a friend who is filled with ambivalence and jealousy. She admires you and wants to be close but feels like she can’t hold a candle to you because (she thinks) you’re smarter, thinner, richer, or more successful. Ostensibly, she is a friend---but her covert hostility is an attempt to kick you down a notch and put you in your place. For example, she might be the master of the backhanded compliment who says something like, “You have such a pretty face. If you lost twenty pounds, you would really be attractive.”

"You know a friend is really a frenemy if she brings out the worst in you and leaves you feeling drained,” say Andrea Lavinthal and Jessica Rozler, co-authors of Friend or Frenemy?. “A sure sign you have a frenemy is when that person cancels plans with you, you're relieved instead of disappointed."

While most research on friendship and health has focused on the positive relationship between the two, a frenemy is a potential source of irritation and stress. One study by psychologist Dr. Julianne Holt-Lunstad found that unpredictable love-hate relationships characterized by ambivalence can lead to elevations in blood pressure. In a previous study, the same researcher found that blood pressure is higher around friends for whom we have mixed feelings than it is when we’re around people whom we clearly dislike.

The term frenemy has been around for a while, reportedly coined by a sister of author and journalist Jessica Mitford in 1977, and popularized more than twenty years later on the third season of Sex and the City. But like “staycation, “earmark” and “physiatry” it was never legitimized by an entry in the dictionary. Now that it has been, assess that friendship that has always made you feel queasy and uncomfortable and give it a name. Then you’ll realize it’s time to let go or to find a way to fix it.

They both grew up in Wasilla and they’ve known each other for some 40 years since they attended the same elementary school. Each is an ambitious, outspoken, competitive, conservative, God-fearing, married, working mom with five kids. They live seven miles apart in a state whose area is so vast that it exceeds that of Texas, California and Wyoming combined.

Both are former beauty pageant contestants. Sarah won the Miss Wasilla contest and finished second in Miss Alaska; Kristan (whom Sarah calls "Krissy") was Miss Alaska and then Mrs. Alaska a few years later. In the more-than-you-want-to-know category, according to one hairstylist I know, they both wear as-seen-on-TV “Bumpits” hair lifts. When two women have so much in common and such a long shared history, it lays the foundation for a strong friendship.

But most female friendships, even the best of them, don’t last forever---so as their lives and career paths diverged, the two best friends could have easily drifted apart. Sarah, 45, pursued a career in politics, first as a mayor and then as a governor and a vice-presidential candidate while Kristan, 47, built a small but successful real estate business, heading up a team of 15 people. On her Facebook profile, Kristan “only shares certain information with everyone,” including the names of her friends; Sarah has more than 620,000 “supporters.” Kristan has remained intimately involved in Palin’s affairs as a supporter, campaign donor, and spokesperson. Kristan is a trustee of The Alaska Fund Trust, Sarah and Todd Palin’s legal defense fund.

As Governor, Sarah named Kristan to the Alaska Board of Agriculture and Conservation, an appointed regulatory position that serves at the pleasure of the Governor. In September 2008, when the McCain-Palin campaign launched a “Truth Squad” to combat the liberal media and dirty Democrats, Kristan was named to the Squad. Recently, Kristan assumed the awkward role of interpreting her pal’s bewildering resignation speech to the national press.

It’s hard to understand what makes some friendships stick while others fall apart. For better or worse, Sarah and Kristin remain BFFs. Shared history? Shared values? Loyalty? Trust? Maybe all of the above.

If you need one more shred of evidence of the gender differences in interpersonal relationships, you’ll find it in a short piece by Alex Mindlin buried in the Business Section of this morning’s New York Times. When it comes to customer loyalty, women aren’t necessarily more loyal than men; it’s just that their loyalties take a different form.

In a series of studies reported in the July 2009 Journal of Marketing, researchers from the Netherlands found that female consumer loyalties are more intimate and personal. For example, women are fiercely loyal to a particular hair stylist rather than to a salon, or to a particular doctor rather than to a clinic or hospital. If you are one of the women, like many, who feel like your hairdresser understands you (and your hair), this shouldn’t come as a surprise.

“Women tend to view themselves as being connected with and dependent on a few specific individual others. In contrast, men tend to view themselves as being connected with and dependent on larger groups of people and organizations,” write the marketing professors.

Their targeted advice for the ad world: “Because individual relationships are more important to women, they are more likely to develop loyal customer relationships with individual service providers. Conversely, men find group relationships important and are more likely to develop loyal customer relationships with firms and organizations.” Thus, advertising strategies focused on personal relationships are more likely to be effective with women.

If we extrapolate these results to our friendships, it reinforces what we already know. In general, female relationships tend to be characterized by greater intimacy (and a different kind of loyalty) than those of men.