Month of May , 2009

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

I am thrilled to have found your blog, and I also loved your article on Girlfriend Celebrations, Avoid These Five Common Pitfalls of Female Friendship. Thank you in advance for providing the advice and support you do.

I am 42 years old and blessed with two fantastic children, a loving and loyal husband, a supportive family, a great new career, and a lovely community. When I became a mother 14 ½ years ago, I really came into my own and developed many healthy wonderful female relationships. There were times when I felt jealous or confused when a best friend of mine began to develop a new close relationship because my nature is to be "monogamous." In other words, I only need one super intimate friendship at once, and can have other friendships as well, but don’t give those friendships the same time, attention, and preference. I want to desperately change this quality because I'm feeling very alone in my belief system.

I've learned that the majority of women seek multiple best friendships—or they want to have one best friend whom they know will always be there in a crisis, but love and seek the emotional high of "falling in love" with a new friend. I liken the scenario to innocently "going to first base" with other men despite being married.

I'm not saying that I want to fully adopt the belief system described above, I just want to learn how to better accept it as the norm, to forgive my current "best friend" for living this way and to learn how to enjoy the possibilities that come along with partially embracing this style. I appreciate your candor and look forward to hearing from you.

Take care,
Candy

ANSWER

Dear Candy:

You sound fortunate because you are juggling a wealth of riches: marriage, motherhood, career, community—and close friendships.

Opting to have one best friend or more than one best friend isn’t a matter of right or wrong. Several of the pros for having multiple best friends are: 1) You don’t have to depend entirely on any one person to have all your friendship needs fulfilled; 2) Having different best friends can be rewarding to you in different ways; each one may bring different qualities to your relationship and your life; and 3) If a best friendship falls apart, you have another close friendship to fall back upon.

While you may be content having one best friend exclusively, you need to understand that there are valid reasons why one or more of your friends may choose not to be “monogamous” with you and you shouldn’t take it personally. These differences are a matter of personality and style.

Remember that your relationship with a best friend is unique---and unlike any other relationship that either of you have. You don’t need to change your ways but don’t try to change your friend either. Be forgiving, rather than jealous, and allow your friend the space she needs to express herself in a way that feels right for her. If you make her feel guilty or like she is doing something wrong by befriending other women, you will only drive her away. If her life is happy and full, like yours, it will only make her a better friend.

Hope this is helpful!

My best,
Irene

It’s always exhilarating to make a close friend—a soul mate—someone you understand and who makes you feel understood. When this happens, it feels like the bond will last a lifetime. Yet most friendships, even the best of them, don’t last forever.  

Recent research by Dutch sociologist Gerald Mollenhorst at Utrecht University confirms that the large majority of friendships tend to be fleeting. He found that both the friends we make and the ones we keep are more likely to be determined by opportunity rather than personal preferences. Many relationships fall apart because people no longer have the opportunity to be together in the same context, e.g. a school, an office or a neighborhood.

The sociologist surveyed 1007 men and women between the ages of 18 and 65 years and was able to re-interview 604 of them seven years later. Over that time, the size of an individual’s social network remained strikingly stable (in terms of numbers) but there was a lot of turnover: New friends replaced old ones and only thirty percent of the original friendships remained. The influence of social context (where they met) on longevity was remarkably similar for friends and acquaintances—irrespective of the closeness of the relationship.

One take-away message: If a friendship is meaningful, it needs to be nurtured.

Do most of your relationships have a shelf life?

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

My best friend and I are boring each other to tears. She is seven years older than I am, so she is at a different place in life. This wasn't a problem when we first became friends about 6 years ago (I was 19 then and she was 26, so we both had tons of freedom). Now she's married, owns her own home and has more responsibilities. Other than work and maintaining my small apartment, I don't have any responsibilities.

Most of her side of the conversation revolves around yard work, house decorating, running errands, bargain shopping and the crazy events she encounters when trying new recipes. Her stories are never interesting to me anymore. They are literally a step-by-step playback of what she did throughout the day, and she can go on for over an hour. I'm sure the things I talk about are less than entertaining to her, too. I can almost hear her rolling her eyes through the phone when I talk about my co-workers' annoying habits, my weekend plans, and my sister's new boyfriend. With our age difference, I knew this was bound to happen.

Eventually, when I get a house and more responsibilities, I'm going to want someone to listen to my fifteen-minute story about the lawnmower breaking, but right now I yawn just thinking about hanging out with her. And she's not just an acquaintance; she's my best friend! I still get excited when the phone rings and it's her number on caller ID, but it only takes a few minutes of talking to remember this new issue.

Do you have any advice on how to liven up this friendship?

Thank you (love your column!),

Stuck in Dullsville

ANSWER

Dear Stuck in Dullsville,

You and your friend are at different places in your lives right now—a situation that is not uncommon. Regardless of age--the lives of two people, even best friends, rarely unfold in parallel.

It sounds like you’re both suffering from a bit of boredom with your usual routines, individually and as a twosome. It’s great that you are aware of the problem and are seeking a way to breathe new life into your friendship. You need to have an honest talk with your friend and together figure out ways to spend some more quality time together each week rather than remaining in a rut.

Can you structure time together to focus on interests that you both share? For example, you could pick out a flick you both want to see (at the movie theater or on DVD) each week, or take a cooking class to learn about a new cuisine, or join a book group with an interesting group of women--or you could both volunteer at a local hospital or community organization. Finding ways to develop new interests and create more shared history will help you stay connected.

One other thought: It may be helpful to limit the number of hours you spend together if you both are bored. Perhaps each of you also needs to expand your friendship portfolio to find other friends who are in similar situations. Often one best friend isn’t enough to share various aspects of our lives.

Hope this is helpful.

Best,
Irene

Most friendships don't last forever. If you are reeling from a failed friendship or one that seemed to drift apart, here are some thoughts to help you get over the hurt. It may even be more helpful to substitute your own.

 

Repeat these affirmations as many times as it takes to actually feel them and believe them!

• Lost friendships are a part of life.

• The sudden loss of a friendship doesn't invalidate the meaningfulness of the relationship that once was.

• Grief and mourning are normal after the loss of a good friend.

• The more important the relationship was, the longer it will take to heal.

• Every broken friendship offers lessons to inspire better ones in the future.

• Blame isn't the answer since it impedes forgiveness and provokes anger.

• Closure doesn't take two; it's something I can work on independently.

 

Are there other affirmations that have worked for you?

 

This post also appeared on The Huffington Post.

QUESTION

Hello,

I have been struggling over this issue for so long and do not know what to do. I am 37 years old and have had a close friendship with a girl since second grade. Since then, we have been BFFs. After 7th grade I moved away, but we stayed connected and visited each other. I moved back about ten years ago, and ended up marrying her husband’s best friend. We both have young children.

Everything was as always until she made a rude and angry comment about a school decision I had made for my youngest child. I stood up for myself and snapped back at the reasons I had chosen this particular school. Maybe it was the fact that I actually stood up for myself and to her (which I never had before) but I didn’t hear from her for the entire summer.

I was devastated. I ended up calling and calling and finally apologizing. She thanked me, and things were okay sometimes, but for the past three years she has never been the same with me. I am always asking her, as friends should, how she is, how her family is, telling her she looks great, etc. but I get nothing in return. It seems one sided, and it is so hard to take because we were so close for all those years. I am broken hearted.

My question is, should I bring up, again how I feel—I have brought it up a few times, and she says she is still uncomfortable around me, and feels I have changed and we have a long talk about that silly argument before—or should I just let it go and stop trying to be her friend, and let the friendship end (which could be difficult as my husband and hers are friends)? Any advice would be much appreciated!

Regards,
Chloe

ANSWER

Dear Chloe:

When two friends have such a long shared history and their friendship extends to their families, a breech like the one you have experienced can be very disappointing and upsetting. It sounds like you HAVE changed over time; you’ve matured into someone who is more self-confident and assertive, especially when it comes to knowing what’s best for your own family.

It is somewhat unforgivable that your friend wouldn’t speak to you for an entire summer because you were following your own best instincts about what was best for your child. Perhaps, she was looking for an excuse to step away from the friendship.

It sounds like you given her every opportunity to make amends and for whatever reason—it may be something that has nothing to do with you—she doesn’t feel as comfortable in the relationship as she once did. That has to feel awkward given the ties between your husbands, your kids, and any mutual friends.

At this point, your best option would be to downgrade the friendship to a more casual one. Be friendly, act cordially, but don’t consider her your close friend or have high expectations of intimacy or reciprocity.

Over time, your friend may change her feelings. In the meantime, spend time with other women and try to heal from this hurt. From what you’ve told me, you haven’t done or said anything that you need to feel guilty about. You are lucky to have a friendship that lasted as long as it did but you aren’t alone. Friendships are dynamic and it is not uncommon for many of them to change or drift apart over time.

My best, 

Irene

 

 

Happy Mother's Day to all my friends - those who are, those who will be, those who have and those who had~

 

Read the story of the Migrant Mother, Florence Owens Thompson, whose picture taken by Dorothea Lange during the Great Depression depicts the strength and resilience of motherhood 

 

QUESTION

Irene,

I had a wonderful friendship with a female friend for the past five years. But, our friendship ended recently due to her being angry at me for cancelling my plans to attend her concert last Sunday.

My son's birthday party ended up being on the same day, so I felt that my family comes first. I made the mistake of requesting that she reimburse me for the cost of my ticket for the concert. Now, she won't return any of my voice mail messages, even though I let her know that I was sorry and that I value our friendship. I even invited her to have lunch at my home so that we could talk. I can't just show up at her doorstep, yet I feel a big void and want to re-connect with her.

She sent me a note that said that I "conveniently forgot" to pay her for a concert that we went to three summers ago. Had she reminded me, I would have gladly paid her the money I owed her. But, it was purely an oversight on my part. Her other note said, "Have a good life...I'll be praying for you." Needless to say, I was shocked and hurt when I read it.

Should I just let it go and accept the fact that our friendship is over, or should I continue to try to contact her? She has given the "silent treatment" to someone else that used to be her friend, too

Signed,

Renee

ANSWER

Dear Renee,

It sounds like there is something inherently wrong with this friendship. A solid friendship would never end over this misunderstanding alone.

How could a friend be so self-centered to expect you to attend her concert rather than your son’s birthday party? Whether or not she is a mother herself, doesn’t she understand how you feel about your son?

How could you ask her to reimburse you for the tickets when it was you who changed your mind? And didn’t you expect that she might be disappointed? Asking for the money back was insulting.

How could she seethe for three years about money she thought you "conveniently forgot to pay her" without saying something soonerr?

You both need to think about whether this is a friendship worth saving. And you can’t make your friend talk to you if she isn’t able to or doesn’t want to.

For now, let go and give the friendship a break. If you want to clear your conscience, send her the money you owe her.

If she approaches you again, you can try to talk candidly about what happened. If that doesn’t happen, it’s over. I hope this is helpful. Let us know what happens.

Best,

Irene

It is always interesting to discover the universality of female friendships. That’s why (with her permission) I wanted to post this Facebook message that I received from Carolina Asuquo-Brown.

By way of introduction, Carolina studied American literature and psychology in Germany and in London and now practices psychotherapy in Frankfurt, Germany. She is especially interested in communication and its breakdowns, and how this affects human relationships—especially female friendships.

She has a blog on friendship and relationship issues (although it’s in German).

Hi Irene,

After speaking to my girlfriends, what emerged from these conversations is my theory on friendship circles. Apart from the introversion/extroversion aspect that dictates whether women gravitate to dyads or circles, it could be age that determines whether you feel more or less drawn towards groups.

I am an introvert myself, but as a teenager and student I still enjoyed friendship circles more than I do now. The women I spoke to and I enjoyed the group thing but always had one or two significant friendships within the larger circle.

Once we hit our late 20s though, almost everyone has experienced the return of the dyad, including me. I now prefer having one-on-one friendships where my friends have little or no connection with each other (I was thrilled to read your stuff on friend poaching; that’s actually the phenomenon that made me go off the circles!).

Maybe as we age, we move in different directions and the initial homogeneity we find in say, groups of high school friends, is no longer existent. I think that that contributes to what women characterize as  “talking behind others backs, cattiness, jealousy“ etc.,” as another lady writing on your Facebook wall put it.

Rivalry might also come into play since many women still find themselves in “either or“ situation when it comes to important life choices. (At least here in Germany –maybe it’s a cultural thing, and sometimes I do feel we are a bit behind.) As a woman you often get the impression that you can only be one OR the other and that the choice you make is the most important determinant of who you essentially are:  a mum or a professional, single or in a relationship. Some women tend to fight pretty hard against the “other” concept, maybe because it signifies the path not taken.

A far as I can tell from my experience and that of my friends, that is one reason why circles tend to be less harmonious the older we get and more issues like jealousy and putting down the other's choices creep in. I just had to write, as this is so much on my mind at the moment and I am still thrilled that and how you deal with female friendship issues.:-) Love your work and am looking forward to the book coming out!

Carolina

QUESTION

Hi Irene,

I stumbled across your blog, and I think it's so helpful and needed in a society that seems to place greater value on romantic relationships than friendships.

I'm in my late 20's, and the older I get, the harder I've found it to keep deep, meaningful female friendships. We're growing in different directions, moving to different states, pairing off romantically, etc. I have three very close female friendships that I treasure but they aren't connected; they are friends from different sectors of my life. So I feel like I'm lacking a "friend group." I also feel as though I don't have enough deep friendships, in general.

It bothers me that most people my age seem to have a "group." I've been in friend groups before in my life, but I find that in friend groups, I can't connect as deeply to each friend. So I prefer one on one time. I know this sounds like a sort of hard question to answer, but what's the average number of close female friendships that women my age have? Or any thoughts you have on how friendships change as you get older.

Thanks very much,
Jane

ANSWER

Dear Jane:

What a great letter! You raised so many thought-provoking questions. A few ideas:

Some women have the good fortune of having groups of friends who have a shared history—based on where they were, where they lived, or what they did together.

There have been a spate of books lately---Friday Nights by Joanna Trollope, The Wednesday Sisters by Meg Waite Clayton, and more recently, The Girls from Ames by Jeffrey Zaslow---that make women feel like they’re missing out on something big if they don’t belong to a friendship circle. In fact, when I interviewed Mr. Zaslow, he said that he had two types of readers: those who had a circle similar to The Girls from Ames and those that wish they did!

When I read that literary trilogy on sisterhoods, I have to admit I was envious because, like you, I’m in the latter category. I have close friends but my friends aren't friends with each other. They come from different ages and stages of my life that don’t intersect.

While it isn’t impossible to forge a sisterhood later in life, it’s generally easier to do it as a teenager or young adult because you’re likely to have more time and to be thrown together in similar circumstances—whether it’s a team, sorority, or neighborhood. As we marry or divorce, move, or graduate and our lives diverge, it becomes tougher to sustain circles of friends.

Keep in mind: Even in a circle of friends, there are usually twosomes (dyads or pairs) who seem to have more in common, either temperamentally or situationally. Thus, each woman doesn’t have precisely the same relationship with each member in the circle. Zaslow figured out that there was a possibility of 99 different pairs in the 11 Girls from Ames.

 

People generally have far more acquaintances than they do close friends so it isn’t surprising that deep and meaningful friendships are the most coveted and difficult to achieve. Just like a romance, most women say that at their start, there is a certain essential chemistry that provides the foundation for best friendships. Then, as two women feel increasingly comfortable together, they are able to become more intimate and reveal their true selves to one another.

While there is wide variability, based on the data from my friendship survey, most women have between two and five very close or best friends (there's a section in my forthcoming book that looks at the numbers). What’s more important than quantity, however, is quality and whether or not you feel like you have enough of the right type of friends for you. If you feel like something’s missing, perhaps it is.

I will be returning to this topic again in another blog post but would love to hear from others about the topic of friendship circles and sisterhoods (when you’re on the inside) and cliques (when you are on the outside).

Best,
Irene