Month of April , 2009

No surprise: The Girls from Ames just landed on the New York Times hardcover nonfiction best-seller list.

Read my interview with author Jeffrey Zaslow on The Huffington Post.

Jeffrey Zaslow is a columnist for The Wall Street Journal. Prior to writing The Girls from Ames, he was co-author of the international bestseller The Last Lecture. Zaslow's column, Moving On, focuses on life transitions and often attracts wide media interest.

Zaslow was drawn to the story of Randy Pausch - and to the Ames girls -- because he has created a beat unlike almost any other in journalism. While The Wall Street Journal covers the heart of the financial world, Zaslow tends to the hearts of its readers. The Girls from Ames grew out of a column Zaslow wrote about the power of lifelong friendships.

The Girls from Ames: A Story of Women & a Forty-Year Friendship by Jeffrey Zaslow tells the remarkable story of the 40-year friendship of a circle of eleven female friends. The tale chronicles more than the experience of coming of age in the midwest—it offers universal insights on growing up, living a life, and facing the sobering challenges faced by grown-ups, which often include: marriage, divorce, raising a family, balancing life and work, and coping with serious illness and death among family members and close friends. The narrative pays homage to the significant role that friendship can play in the course of women's lives.

The “girls,” who all met as children in the “corn-and-college” town of Ames, Iowa, are introduced in photographs with short bios at the beginning of the book. As the reader turns the pages, however, each woman develops a textured persona as Zaslow brilliantly weaves together their individual and collective stories through interviews, letters, photographs, scrapbooks, news clips and diaries. Their long friendship as a group has enabled the girls from Ames to piece together and preserve the anecdotes that comprise their lives individually. 

This compelling and beautifully written non-fiction book is destined to become a classic in the female friendship literature. Zaslow’s last book, coauthored with Randy Pausch, was the best-selling book The Last Lecture.

Watch my blog for my upcoming Q & A with Wall Street Journal columnist and author Jeffrey Zaslow.

'Friendship by the Book' is an occasional series of posts on this blog about books that offer friendship lessons. To read other posts in the series, use the search function on the right side of the page.

My husband and I were invited to a traditional boda (wedding) that was being held this weekend in Ciudad Obregon, a city in Sonora, a northwest region of Mexico that borders Arizona and New Mexico. Paolo, a young psychiatrist had grown up in Italy and we have known his family since he was a child. He was marrying Teresa at the church in her hometown, Santuario de Nuestra Senora de Guadalupe. The young couple had met in the States where they were both completing their education.

When we received the invitation, we were delighted. But admittedly, we did think twice. Our unbridled enthusiasm about sharing this day with Paolo and Teresa was quickly sobered by the increasing reports of kidnapping, violence, and murder attributed to drug cartels in northern Mexico. A recent U.S. State Department travel alert said that US citizens should "avoid certain areas, abstain from driving on certain roads because of dangerous conditions or criminal activity, or recommend driving during daylight hours only." It also recommended not going too afar of tourist areas. My cousin called and told me that he had hired a bodyguard for his college-aged son's spring break trip last month to a luxury resort in Acapulco. "Take only fake jewelry with you," cautioned a friend. In the end, we weren't deterred by fears because of our long friendship with our Italian friends as well as our fondness for Mexico, its people, and its culture.

So we were among the 300 celebrants this weekend, mostly Sonorans, who attended Teresa and Paolo's wedding reception at a ranch-like restaurant, called "Mr. Steak." It took place immediately after the church service in a beautiful outdoor courtyard, covered with crimson flowers that seemingly thrive in the desert heat.

It turns out that when it comes to births, weddings and funerals, many traditions are global. The wedding singers and dancers who might have just as easily been hired to entertain at a gaudy bar mitzvah (particularly if they had they been singing in English) got things rolling. The bride and groom danced their first dance to Louis Armstrong's, "What a Wonderful World." Guests ate, drank and exchanged memories of the couple's childhood and of their own courtships and weddings.

The energetic band got the crowd on their feet to do the "Pony" and the Mexicans danced to lively Latin beats for hours showing no signs of exhaustion. There was a dais and a tiered wedding cake, photographs taken of the proud families, beautiful deep-skinned bridesmaids dressed in vibrant turquoise dresses, and wedding favors.

My wedding reverie was interrupted when a friend sent me an email on my iPhone. Attached to a "breaking news alert" about the potential swine flu pandemic in Mexico City that had already felled more than 1000 persons and killed about 60, my friend Patricia wrote, "You're not there, are you?"

That was our first inkling of the panic that was terrorizing the people of Mexico City, where we had been just two days before. We were glued to CNN whenever we got back to our hotel room. The death rate among victims was estimated at about 7 percent. The lead story in the local paper reported three new cases in Sonora. My friend, Margie, a veteran traveler and adventurer emailed me: "Get out of there. I'm worried about you." We decided to cut our trip short, aborting plans to visit the nearby colonial town of Alamos, Mexico, one of the Pueblos Magicos, after the wedding.

It wasn't easy to rearrange our flight schedule but we were able to get stand-by seats. Our return flight from Obregon connected through Mexico City, an international hub where there are usually hoards of people. Compared to only a few days earlier, both the landscape of the airport and the nature of our anxieties had taken an unexpected turn. The terminal was sparsely populated. Airport employees with blue gloves and passengers with blue masks were cautious and kept their distance from each other. Security was efficient and turned out to be far more brisk than usual.

As we donned one of the ubiquitous blue masks being handed out freely by men in army fatigues, every TV set around the airport was reporting the emergency measures invoked by President Calderon to quell fears and protect public health. Soccer games would go on, but without fans, and the faithful would no longer be flocking to churches. They were warned to stay away from crowds, not shake hands, or cheek-kiss as is traditional among Mexican friends. Museums, schools, universities, bars and restaurants were closed down. People were hunkered down, stockpiling DVDs and Tamiflu.

We worried whether we would get out of Mexico before we got ill or the flu became pandemic. Would airline or immigration officials be ordered to screen travelers crossing borders to prevent its spread? At the same time, we felt terrible about the mounting economic woes being faced by Mexico, a U.S. neighbor that is heavily dependent on tourism, which has already taken a big hit because of crime fears and the downfall in the economy.

At the airport, we read English language newspapers and surfed the Internet. We found out that the swine flu had outpaced our own return to New York and had jumped across continents---within days, cases had already cropped up in several other US cities, Australia, Canada and Israel. I wrote this post on our return flight. More than ever, it became clear to me that whether it is a drug war, global disease outbreak, or other human disaster, international borders are permeable and we are all in this together.

Also on The Huffington Post

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

My friend started on anti-depressants about 6 months ago, and has been drinking a lot lately. Drinking while on medication is usually not a good idea. It's gotten to the point where she goes out every weekend, gets so drunk she pukes, and makes a total fool of herself. She 'blacks out' and forgets nearly half the night. She'll be all over guys, some of them complete strangers, spilling her drink, and losing her phone, too. It used to be fun going out with her, but now she gets drunk so early in the night that I feel like I have to babysit her.

A few weeks ago, she got into a car with some guys that we knew. She wanted me to go with them but I declined. I had work the next day, and had a feeling that I wasn't going to get to where I needed to be by noon. I insisted that she come with me, but she didn't want to get out of their car.

The next day, I found out from her roommate that my friend had said something wrong to the driver of the car, and he kicked her out, 3 miles from her house, at 3AM, in the country. She lost her phone, and had to walk to find a phone to call a friend.

I felt badly for her, but I thought it served her right for being so ridiculous. I thought that it would get her to tone it down, but she's just getting worse. This weekend, she puked in the street. It really makes me upset, because she's such a strong independent woman. I've never seen her act like this before. It's like she's trying to destroy herself, and I don't want to see my best friend get arrested, raped, or worse.

I just don't know what to do in this situation. I've told her to stop, but she won't. I've talked to another one of our close friends, who has known her longer than I have, and she doesn't know what to do either. We tried getting her to do other things, but she just isn't interested. Her roommate started being rude to her just so she would leave. She was tired of my friend coming home at 4am all the time, and waking her up.

Is there something I could tell her? Or should I just leave it alone, and wait for her to wise up on her own?

Signed,
Kayla

ANSWER

Kayla,

You are right to be concerned about your friend’s well-being. It sounds like she is engaging in a number of very risky behaviors.

It’s always a problem when someone needs but doesn’t want help. At this point, it sounds like your friend’s behavior is out of her control and she should be diagnosed and treated by a professional. A few thoughts:

•    Can you talk to her when she’s sober and see if she is willing to call or go back to the person who prescribed her anti-depressants?

•    Can you contact one of her family members and let them know what’s going on?

•    Can you provide her with contact information for Alcoholics Anonymous in your area and see if she is willing to attend a meeting?

If none of these are possible, you may want to assemble her friends as a group to let her know how concerned you all are. You didn’t mention whether she is able to work and has a source of income.

She is fortunate to have a friend like you. Encourage her to talk to you and gain her trust. Continue to express your concerns for her well-being and maybe you’ll be able to catch her at a moment when she’ll respond. Of course, if she seems to be in danger or she is homeless, you should consider calling 911.

My best,

Irene

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

About three or four weeks ago, I broke up amicably with a guy I was dating because the relationship just wasn't growing romantically. We lived about an hour apart and he usually would come to my place. As a result, he met many of my friends, especially one who was with us a lot. She had a difficult year and I tried to include her in things quite often. She became friendly with my ex, but they only knew each other through me.

This week, she called and asked if I would be all right if she went skiing with him. My ex had offered to take her. (We had all wanted to go this winter, but we never did make it together.) I told her she could do whatever she wanted, but I found the whole thing inappropriate. We had quite a long conversation and were okay for the most part. But after thinking about this for several days, I can't believe she even asked me.

Well, if that had been me (and any other friend of mine, it seems) I wouldn't have needed to know how my friend felt. I would have simply said thank you to my ex for the invitation, but that his invitation wasn't appropriate. This isn't the first trust issue I have had with these two.

As I said, I spent a lot of time with her until my work got busy several months ago and I realized I was neglecting other friends. She texted my boyfriend telling him that she thought I was pulling away from her. Then she followed up with an email. She asked him to keep both confidential, but I found out, asked him, and he flat out lied to me. Big fight, but we resolved it. I chose not to tell her about this.

I have been a good friend and obviously she is still having a hard time but I don't want to put any more energy into the relationship with her. I don't think my feelings are unfounded. I distrust both of them and feel hurt. I have been a good friend to both and they have not shown the same respect to me.

Signed,
Sue

ANSWER

Dear Sue:

I imagine you were caught you off-guard when your friend initially asked for your "approval" to go skiing with your ex. Then you realized your ex had betrayed you as well, by asking her. The end of a relationship is usually disappointing. Even if we are the ones who decide to end them, we still mourn the ideal relationship that might have been.

This unfortunate incident with your "friends" re-opened a painful wound. We always hope that good friends have the sensitivity to not say or do things that will hurt our feelings, but sometimes this isn't the case.

The more egregious the lapse in judgment and/or the more often it happens, the less trusting of that person we become. You are right. Your friend should have anticipated how you would feel about being left out of a threesome you helped create. To her credit, at least she did ask before she put on her ski boots. Perhaps, you should have been more frank in expressing your disappointment in her judgment earlier.

Interestingly, your letter didn't end with a question. Sometimes the passage of time makes a situation-which once seemed murky-crystal clear. You seem to feel like you can no longer trust your friend. If that's the case, you just need to move on---unless she finds some way to regain your trust.

Have a friendship conundrum that's causing you distress? Write to me at: irene@fracturedfriendships.com

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

My friend, Delia, who started out as my babysitter four years ago has been a wonderful blessing for me. Although she is 25 and I am 36, we have children two days apart in age (both 5 1/2). She is a stay at home super mom and I am single working mom.

Delia encouraged me to start college again so I take two classes on Wednesday night; on that night, my daughter spends the night with her and her family. In addition, she is my English tutor and takes my daughter to a lot of events that I can’t attend due to work.

In the past six years, I've had one real relationship and she did not approve. Also, I moved and my child was not in the same school district as hers and she didn’t approve of that district. I transferred my daughter back to our original school and drive across town every day. (I did that because she wore me down about the test scores for the school district I moved to.) She said my daughter wouldn't get to do hardly anything if she weren't with her. I also started back to church about a year and half ago and she became very upset about that as well.

Last but not least, I recently become engaged and although I've had a ten-year friendship with my fiancé, we realized we were in love about 7 months ago she is extremely upset about this. Without writing unnecessary details, I will say he is incarcerated at a minimum-level "golf course" facility and I decided to take my daughter to see him. I took her because he had never seen her before, even though they have spoken weekly for over a year. The visit was wonderful and my daughter was excited to go back as soon as possible to play.

This decision I've made has come at a price. Now she will not talk to me. I called her 3 or 4 times over the weekend and she just called this morning to say I didn’t have to pick her daughter up for school; that she would take her. Oh, also my family and other friends are behind me 100% regarding my relationship and my decision to take my daughter last weekend.

I am a friend come rain or shine, no matter the decision, and I don't make any of my friends feel like our friendship could fold at any minute or for any wrong move. If it is a wrong move, so be it,
I'm not here to judge, I'm here to support even if it is a mistake.  What should I do?

RESPONSE

Dear Amy:

Although you are considerably older than your friend, it sounds like she has been a mentor and reliable source of support to you and your daughter, and that you value her friendship.

Her being judgmental and controlling is nothing new. She has consistently expressed her opinions, rather strongly, about how you should lead your life: She didn’t like your former boyfriend; she didn’t approve of your changing school districts; and she didn’t agree with your decision to become involved with your church.

Now Delia obviously has very strong feelings about your relationship with your fiancé and your decision to expose your daughter to him. Just like you listened to her concerns about other issues and hopefully decided for yourself, you need to ask her why she feels this way about your fiancé. Perhaps, some of the reasons for her disapproval are legitimate and would lead you to rethink your decision. Although your friend does sounds very controlling, she may be worried about you and your daughter.

My thinking: Although you haven’t provided details (and the devil is often in the details), if your daughter is only 5 ½, as a single mom, you need to be extremely cautious about the people and situations to which you expose her. For example, if your fiancé is incarcerated for child molestation or the like, that obviously should be a deal-killer.

Some people feel just the way you do—that friends shouldn’t judge each other. Other people feel just as strongly that while they shouldn’t judge a friend, per se, they should be honest and tell her when she is doing something potentially risky or hurtful.

Since you have a history with this friend, perhaps you could talk this specific situation through. After listening to her, you may change your mind about your fiancé or the friendship.

Best,
Irene

As much as we would like them to, many friendships—even the best of them—don’t last forever. So when a close friendship falls apart, it’s natural to feel a sense of loss and pain, particularly if the friendship was a meaningful one.

But with some insight and understanding, we may be able to avoid the traps that commonly derail female friendships.I was delighted to be invited as a guest blogger on Girlfriend Celebrations where I outlined five common, but often avoidable, pitfalls of female friendships. Click here to read my entire post. 

A big shout-out to my friends, Girlfriends-in-Chief Dawn Bertuca and Tina VanZant Bishop (pictured above), for giving me this opportunity. Their web site, Girlfriend Celebrations, is one of the most inspiring and engaging sites on the web for women who, like us, believe in the extraordinary power of female friendships. Check out the blogs, contests, giveaways, and ideas for girlfriend get-togethers.

Think back to your days in high school. Do you remember your exaggerated concerns about your appearance—constantly worrying about your pimples or what you were wearing? Do you recall the social cliques (e.g. nerds and jocks) that embraced some of your peers and drew circles to keep others out?

Imagine what high school is like for teens with disabilities who are just coming to terms with the realization that they are different and find that their peers are rebuffing them. "It's hard enough to be a teenager," says UCLA clinical instructor of psychiatry Elizabeth Laugeson, "but it's harder still for adolescents with autism because they typically lack the ability to pick up on all the social cues most of us take for granted — things like body language, hand gestures and facial expressions, along with speech inflections like warmth, sarcasm or hostility.

Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD), also known as Pervasive Developmental Disorders (PDDs) can range from very mild cases to more severe ones. However, according to the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH), all children with ASD have deficits in three areas: 1) social interaction, 2) verbal and nonverbal communication, and 3) repetitive behaviors or interests. To address these deficits, Laugeson and her colleagues developed and evaluated a special training program, called the Program for the Education and Enrichment of Relational Skills (PEERS) for teenagers with autism.

Since social interaction, communication and showing an interest in others are essential building blocks in developing and maintaining friendships, the 12-week UCLA PEERS program is designed to teach teens with autism the skills they need to relate to their peers that might not come naturally: This includes: how to join a group; how to choose a group; and how to handle bullying, teasing and arguments. The teens are given the chance to learn these skills through a range of modalities, including modeling, role-playing and coaching.

"The class is very structured, and the skills are broken into small steps," says Laugeson.  "For me, the most important outcome of this research is that we're able to have a direct impact on the quality of lives for teenagers with ASD," Laugeson said. "Helping them to develop meaningful relationships and feel more comfortable within their social world — these are essential ingredients to living a happy life, and what could be more important than that?"

Source: Press Release UCLA, Teaching autistic teens to make friends, April 7, 2009

April is Autism Awareness Month. To learn more about Autism and how you can promote awareness in your own community, visit the web sites of the Autism Society of America or the National Institute of Mental Health.

Marybeth Bond has written 11 women’s travel books, including 50 Best Girlfriend Getaways (National Geographic). I thought she would be the perfect person to answer my questions (and hopefully yours) about how these excursions can recharge both our friendships and our lives.

Marybeth, why are girlfriend getaways so popular? Why are they important for women?

We are better educated and better paid; we like adventure and new experiences; and we enjoy the company of our girlfriends. Women today understand the supportive and healing power of spending time with girlfriends.

Through my travels, I’ve learned that girlfriends are ready to laugh and cry with me, about the good and the bad stuff in my life.  When we travel together, we laugh ‘til our sides ache, sometimes we cry together, and we return home rejuvenated, recharged and stronger.

Why do we get so much out of our gal pal time? Quite simply, our time together is nurturing. We relax in the accepting company of our gal pals.  Going away from our partners is also good for those relationships. We appreciate our significant other more when we have some breathing space.

We come back recharged, rejuvenated and recommitted to our careers, our lives, our mates, and our marriages. Often we need to get away to appreciate all that we have.

What kinds of destinations work best for such getaways?

Nowadays there’s a girlfriends’ getaway for virtually every interest – from spa, theatre, and farmers’ markets to vintage shopping, river rafting, and winery tours. Fortunately, there’s a range of price points too. When you’re organizing a getaway, start by assessing the budgets of everyone in the group and the amount of time you have.

Deciding these factors will, of course, tell you whether you’re in “save” or “splurge” mode. If you’re on budget, travel on weekdays (Monday, Tuesday, and Saturday are usually the cheapest days for flying, she says); during the off-season; and either visit less touristy destinations or stay outside the city. Another option: renting. You can rent an apartment, even for four days, and it’s cheaper than staying in a hotel. You’ll save money by eating some meals in and there’s a natural place for the group to gather and hang out, which can be hard to find in a hotel.

What are some of the basics before and after?

Before the trip, set some ground rules. You need to communicate about how much you’re going to spend, whether you snore, whether you prefer to have your own room.  

During the trip, make sure you incorporate some “alone” time into every day so that each person has a chance to fully pursue her own interests and everyone gets a break from the group. Also consider putting money in a kitty for expenses so you aren’t nickel and diming each other.

Given all your experience, what makes the perfect girlfriend getaway?

Any place where there is time to talk; a beautiful, remote location that is a reasonable drive from the city, lovely accommodations, perhaps a Spa, great food, wine, a pool, hiking, mountain biking, and of course a peaceful environment that invites relaxation and deep conversation.

I described some of my very favorite getaways in my books, including Paris, San Francisco, New York, Bali, heli-hiking in the Canadian Rockies, hiking at Whistler, and a cultural escape to Quebec.

The perfect getaway offers friends time together without responsibilities.

Go to The Gutsy Traveler for more tips and advice, and to read Marybeth's blog. 

If you've been on a girfriends' getaway, feel free to post your comments/experiences.

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

I have a very close friend who is going through a rough time. She recently became pregnant after ongoing fertility treatments. I was extremely supportive through all of this.  Since becoming pregnant, her anxiety and panic has increased immensely.

She is an only child who depends greatly on her parents and will often choose to do things with her mom over doing something with me. I don't ask her to do much these days since she is with her mom most of the time.

With her panic issues, she has become extremely hard to be around.  I try to help as much as I can, but she will usually just tell me that I don't really understand because I haven't had her exact symptoms. She now thinks she's becoming depressed as well.

I guess my issue is that over the years I go through these stages where I feel like she expects me to be there for her whenever she needs me. But when I need her, she barely has time for me. I can call her with a problem, and she's always doing something while talking to me. I NEVER get her full attention.

I know this is a troubling time for her, but it just seems to have brought back my negative feelings about this friendship. And, to a certain extent, she is creating some of her anxiety/panic/depression.  I am just finding myself very angry about this whole friendship. Any advice?

Thanks,
Paige

ANSWER

Hi Paige:

If your friend has a true panic disorder, she may be experiencing terrifying physical and emotional symptoms that feel out of her control. Panic disorders are often associated with depression and anxiety as well. While you sound like a very empathetic and caring friend, your friend is probably correct in saying that you can’t understand exactly how she is feeling. You also can’t make her symptoms go away. But these two facts don’t make you less of a friend.

Because of your friend’s problems, the relationship has become one-sided. It’s normal that you would feel resentful because she isn’t able to be there for you in the way that you are there for her. Since you call her a “very close friend” and acknowledge that she is going through a “rough time,” it seems like your friendship once had a more reciprocal basis, where there was more give and take, so I wouldn’t give up on the friendship just yet.

The signs and symptoms of a panic disorder tend to flare up during difficult life transitions, and coping with infertility would be high on such a list. In fact, some research suggests that coping with infertility can be as stressful to a woman as dealing with a serious physical illness like cancer or HIV/AIDS. Although getting pregnant after having fertility problems should be uplifting, it can be another source of stress.

You didn’t mention whether or not your friend is being treated for her symptoms. If she is, she may need some more time. If not, you may want to suggest that she get diagnosed and treated. Perhaps, her mother is worried about her daughter’s problems and that’s why she and her mom are spending so much time together. If you have a comfortable relationship with her mom, you can mention that you are concerned about your friend.

In any case, it sounds like you are burned out and may need to step back a bit until your friend is more together. You could have a frank discussion with her and tell her that you are a bit overwhelmed by her neediness but still cherish your friendship. In the meantime, take a break. Spend more time with other friends you enjoy, create a bit more distance between you and this friend, and see how things evolve over time. Just keep in mind that it is unlikely that her emotions are under her control at this point and she’s probably suffering more than you. Above all, be kind because she’s your friend.

I know this isn’t an easy situation but I hope this gives you some food for thought.

Best,
Irene

About Panic Disorder (from the National Institute of Mental Health)

Panic disorder is an anxiety disorder. It causes panic attacks, which are sudden feelings of terror for no reason. You may also feel physical symptoms, such as

* Fast heartbeat
* Chest pain
* Breathing difficulty
* Dizziness

Panic attacks can happen anytime, anywhere and without warning. You may live in fear of another attack and may avoid places where you have had an attack. For some people, fear takes over their lives and they cannot leave their homes.

Panic disorder is more common in women than men. It usually starts when people are young adults. Sometimes it starts when a person is under a lot of stress. Most people get better with treatment. Therapy can show you how to recognize and change your thinking patterns before they lead to panic. Medicines can also help.

Have a friendship dilemma? Perhaps I can help. Write to me at irene@fracturedfriendships.com/