• Few or No Friends
Welcome Box
Ask the Friendship Doctor

Making friends at 60: “I don’t want to die alone…”

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

How does one get over being so alone? I do have a few very good friends, but too few! I am dying of loneliness! I don’t know what’s  wrong with me that I can’t seem to “connect” and make new friends. I don’t want to die alone too! I’m turning 60 this year. Any suggestions??

Many thanks! Signed, Laura

ANSWER

Hi Laura,

Your question obviously follows my last post mentioning two tragic news stories recently published about older women who died alone without anyone noticing for some time. The imagery was chilling and most people would hate to think of dying that way.

Admittedly, there are times when it is tougher than others to make new friends. For example, college students are continually thrown into contact with other people in similar circumstances. Young moms can take advantage of abundant opportunities to make friends with parents of their kids or with other women involved in school committees. If someone’s working, she might become friends with colleagues. You haven’t told me much about you but it sounds like you’re at a place in life where you need to actively seek out friendships because it isn’t occurring naturally.

Making friends is more a matter of circumstances than age, per se. Unless there is something about you that pushes others away, if you follow your interests and remain actively involved with people, you will be able to replenish your stock of friends. The choice is yours: Get involved with cultural, political, or social groups. Join a gym, book club, cooking club, or take a class. Volunteer in your community at the library or hospital. If you have a dog, start up a conversation with another dog walker on your route. Dogs and new babies are always great conversation-starters.

One caveat: Don’t expect too much too soon. Friendships take time but if you are welcoming to potential friends and pursue your own passions, you’ll be able to turn new acquaintances into deep friendships over time. If you come across as desperate or clingy, it might be a turnoff to a future friend-to-be. Being aware of your loneliness and that you want close friendships is an important first step. I hope this is helpful.

Warm regards, Irene

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Category: Making friends at 60

Comments (1,350)

Trackback URL | Comments RSS Feed

  1. Rain says:

    Hi everyone. To change my life I needed a wake up call. Thankfully I got it from my sister as I wrote previously.

    To change my life and manage multiple disabilities, I sought out and still seek inspiration. Thankfully, that’s not hard to find. every day.

    My admiration goes to those who overcome adversity. This is just one of the many journeys that inspire me. Copy and paste, open your mind and watch this.

    http://blog.petflow.com/this-baby-was-abandoned-because-she-had-no-legs-but-a-shocking-secret-rocked-her-world-at-253-my-jaw-dropped/

    • Fran says:

      I’m going to go out on a limb here (bad, bad pun).

      I don’t think this video is a good analogy. This young woman had parents who loved her and pushed her and encouraged her. People here on this thread — some have no friends and/or no family and/or no money and are sick (mentally, emotionally, physically).

      Yes, there are people here who could help themselves and won’t, for whatever reasons. Some people need some help to help themselves, and I’ve seen that given.

      But until they are heard and their pain acknowledged, not much is going to happen. And it’s a process. You (and I) can’t just come in here and tell people to get off their dead and on their dying because you and I did it — so why can’t they, right? All I’m feeling right now is that if I don’t go out and buy a bike right now — and ride it with no legs — I’m a loser. And that’s not true at all.

      Perhaps a little more compassion is in order? And perhaps a little more quiet exuberance? Because everybody here is in a different place, either a little or a lot.

      • Rain says:

        Fran. I think that compassion for peoples pain, where they are in life etc is good. It is kind and certainly all of that needs to be acknowledged. But is it enough?. Will it help them to improve their situation. It wasn’t for me.

        When you don’t challenge someone you send a message to them that you believe they can’t achieve. I’m sorry but that is dis empowering. If that video made you feel that way than I think maybe you missed the message. The message is, no matter what your personal challenge is, where you are at personally, you can move forward, you can conquer adversity if you believe you can. That video showed that it can be done. Every thing starts with baby steps. I am working with a man right now that is turning around beautifully because every tiny little step forward that he makes every day. every time he sees himself do something, he moves forward, he is mastering his environment and is so proud. THAT is the acknowledgement they need. If I hadn’t of challenged him, he would still be sitting at home, feeling sorry for himself. And he had a lot to feel sorry about believe me. But I challenged him, we worked out strategies, and hour by hour, day by day, he saw he could change, and he is and I see him smile now. The issue is you have to want to have a better life MORE than you want the safe but destroying option that self pity results in.

        • Fran says:

          I don’t think you read what I wrote (because I think you’re too focused on your own agenda, Rain). First of all, that video is NOT a good analogy for here. The young woman had parents who loved her and encouraged her, from birth. The young woman STILL doesn’t know what it is to be all alone. Secondly, people’s pain needs to be heard and acknowledged FIRST — then there is a chance that they will move on with their lives. If they are not heard FIRST — there is almost no chance they will get on with their lives and have better lives. Once they are truly heard and their pain acknowledged — which is very hard to do via the written word and on a board like this — then they might feel ready to move on. Fourthly, some people just need to learn how to live alone with themselves, because their lives aren’t going to change — no matter what the do — and it’s not their ‘fault’. And lastly — what you did for that man, you did in person — which you can’t do here. Frankly, I think you have a ‘savior’ complex, and probably should work on that before you start deciding that you way is the only answer to everyone’s problems.

          • joan says:

            HI FRAN: i am not a regular writer on this blog but i do
            read all the posts–may i suggest you re-read your post of
            Aug.31–as i said i read all the posts and Rain like many
            of the people writing in are very good at honoring others
            pain–i do not know anyone on here well enough to address
            their agenda(s) but i did view the video that Rain posted
            and what i took away from it was ‘HOPE’–hope that no matter how great the challenge we can over come–i have no doubt that having a loving family to help
            on the journey makes it easier–but the individual still has to do the work themselves–money helps
            as does youth but none of this matters if there is
            no HOPE–the video was not a good analogy for you
            –that is fine–you, personally did not connect with
            this young women story–but i do not think you have
            the right to make a blanket statement that it is not
            a good analogy–for some people it my be just the
            ticket they have been looking for–i said in another
            posting that i have battled depression for over 20 years–during that time i have had a great deal of
            professional help–i live in Canada and our health
            care system allows for mental health treatment–it is a blessing i am thankful for everyday–you are right a person suffering needs to be heard–like i wrote above
            to me, most of the people writing here are, in their own
            way, honoring others pain–people need to be challenged as well–in challenging another to step out of their comfort
            zone we are saying ‘i have faith in you–i know you are a
            smart, talented, capable person–if i did not think you
            could do this i would not challenge you to try’–these words may be easier to hear from a parent or friend but if that is not possible then make do with what is
            available–you wrote that ‘their lives are not going to
            change–no matter what they do’–a little negativity goes
            a long long way–come on Fran, give us a little HOPE–i
            may not reach all my goals–but at least now i am trying
            i now have HOPE–if my trying inspires someone else to
            try then where is the harm–if my little accomplishments helps someone else to take a one more step along the way is that a bad thing?–you once quoted
            Thoreau–did you meet him personally or did his written
            word help and inspire you?–my point?–the written word
            is powerful that is why we study great writers–i do
            not think i write at the same level as Thoreau but should
            that stop me from trying to express myself? –if in expressing myself i help another is that a bad thing?–
            does it really matter if i reach out to others or others
            reach out to me in person, on video or through the written word?–is the act of reaching not enough on its
            own?–you said that you thought Rain has a ‘savior complex’–you live in New Mexico–Rain in Australia
            and i am in Canada–likely safe to say none of us have
            ever met–do you really think that just via this blog you
            know any of us well enough to diagnose our complexes? are
            you qualified to?–i know i am not–you, Rain and some of
            the others appear to be doing well–be an inspiration to
            those of us,like me, who are just starting the journey
            –be HOPE for those still suffering and not sure they have the strength to make the journey–please do not tell
            me a video i may have not seen is not worth my seeing–
            please do not tell me that because i cannot speak to you
            one on one that i cannot share with you in other ways–
            please do not tell me it’s not my fault when you do not
            know my story–maybe it is my fault–maybe that is what i
            need to hear–please do not, when you disagree, accuse
            me of having an ‘agenda’ or a ‘complex’–please do not
            be negative–that i can do on my own–i need you and all
            these people to uplift me so i can see i am worth uplifting myself–i need you to celebrate my small
            accomplishments so i regain my self confidence and strength–i need to know that when we disagree you will
            not judge me and by not being judged for my opinions i learn trust in myself and value my own self worth–i am
            human and i need you and everyone on this blog to help
            me and to show my gratitude i offer all of you my help
            in your journey–we all have a story and every story is an opportunity for learning–if we take advantage of the
            opportunity to learn as well as teach we will accomplish
            much more than we ever thought possible–that is my goal-
            joan

            • susan says:

              I had almost given up on this blog as it seemed and perhaps it is yet true – that my words and feelings expressed were only replied to when I jokingly reveled in another bloggers freedom of spirit. All of a sudden – my words were more or less misunderstood to be some endorsement to pick up men at the butcher counter of a local shop. Hardly. After that round of notes – nothing I said mattered much and I’m fine with this as my words to Rain, in particular, were to thank her.

              Joan – your note is beautiful. I am a 60 year old widow in North Carolina about to turn 61 on Sunday. I’ve been without my partner, my best friend my husband the father of my son for 10 years. I’ve grieved as much as humanly possible without it killing me. I’ll say no more. No one reads what I write – and that’s fine. I’ve enjoyed reading much of this blog, but I’d like to say – I agree with your powerful words.

              My best and thanks to you,

              Susan

              • joan says:

                Hi Susan: HAPPY BIRTHDAY!–thank you for your kind
                words–i cannot speak for anyone else but i read
                your posting and i do remember the post you referred
                to–it made me laugh–some people got the joke some
                did not–i also liked Leyanns’ spirit–her life style choices are not for me to judge–i should have
                written all this back then–but for what ever reason
                i did not–please accept my apology–i re-read your
                Aug 31 posting–you have been to hell and back
                haven’t you–i too have,over the years lost all my family–but not a long time partner–i am so
                very sorry for your loss–10 years is a long time
                to grieve–you have honored your husbands memory
                and i do not doubt will do so for the rest of your life–you mention a son and that you would
                like him to see you change–know that what ever
                steps you take to reach that goal i am there if
                you want me to be–so are many others who write
                to this blog–you may not realize it but just
                knowing what you want to do–your goal–is half
                way to reaching it–joan

                • susan says:

                  Thank you, Joan. I feed 5 stray cats on my front porch every morning now for 6 years. One is the mother. She brought her four kittens to me and I was forced to return them to my horrible neighbor who I am currently suing along with my other cherished good neighbor. One by one these kittens became female cats. The terrible neighbor did one right thing; she neutered them and hoped they’d live on her farm to catch mice. One by one – they left her and came to me. What’s really weird about this is that I’m horribly allergic to cats. My late husband loved them and we couldn’t have one. Whenever he walked our dog, cats would follow him. When he was eulogized at a memorial in our home town, people recalled his ‘cat karama’ and his nickname; ‘the cat man’. Shortly after he died, a black and white kitten begged at our door (totally not related to the porch 5). We took him in because my late husband was an accomplished black and white photographer and well…we were so devastated and greif stricken we thought this little cat was some kind of sign. We named him after my husband. He gave us such pleasure. We are convinced we taught him to to speak. Then, one night, under my son’s bed he had a massive brain seizure. For nearly an hour we listened to sounds I pray never to hear as we sat at the door hearing him. As I write these words, I hear these sounds. When they stopped, we entered the room and found him dead. I swear to you and all who read this – I saw something in that room as we entered it. It was a blink of something like a light over him. Shortly after his passing, my beloved father who lived here with me, my mother and son began to rapidly decline. He required my constant hands on care and I was honored to give it but I had just given it for years with my husband and I was very tired. But I got my dad to his end bathing him hours before he passed away in my arms. Days later, my mother went mad. She said things to me that could only be described as darkness and madness but yet, calculated and thoughtful as if to know what would devastate me to the lowest human place. For the next 14 months, I cared for her and boy, that was rough. Finally, I got the courage to put her into a facility where she is now. I see her every Sunday and watch over her constantly. She is well medicated and can speak to me in a loving tone when she is coherent. I’m an only child so I have no siblings. Girlfriends have meant a lot to me. I just recently lost yet another one to life and change and ‘moving on’ and boyfirends. She called me every morning and every evening and always on weekends. We talked silly things; tv shows, receipies, children, men, clothes, movie stars and we talked really heavy topics often sobbing into the phone. When her husband hit her with separation partners in a parking lot – I was her first call. About 6 months ago, she went on a dating web site, found a jerk and now she can’t call me anymore. I’m mad and sad and hurt and blindsided and just lost. I realized that I came to rely on her voice. I liked that she needed me from time to time so I felt helpful to another. I liked that she thought highly of me. I was fueled by this deep connection through all these years of pain and caregiving. I’m not one to confront someone just because they don’t text or return calls and it doesn’t take me long to ‘get it'; boyfriend in – girlfriend out.
                  That’s when I turned to this blog. One day, I felt so desperately alone, I thought about ‘dying alone’ and it lead me here….where there were so many people with such extraordinary stories of pain and loss and aloneness.

                  Your words so deeply touched me because they spoke of hope. And that’s where my porch cats come in.

                  I pray every morning while I feed them and stand over them to protect them from other strays as they eat. Each one nuzzles my hand as I set down their food to thank me. In this morning prayer time, I sometimes here a voice in my head. I won’t go on about this, but whatever this voice is, it gives me something to think about and I’ve come to seek this voice. I leave this 3 or 4 mintues with hope or fight in me or ‘keep going’. The alternative is to lay in my bed. I’m must work for a living so that option is not available to me. The feeding of these 5 porch cats is the way I begin every day and I see them as in my life for a purpose. Maybe it’s my husband’s ‘cat’ karma bringing them to me….or maybe they just make me pause, pray for 1 minute for strength, hope and purpose. Don’t get me wrong – I don’t say that they solve my problems or make me stronger or a better person. They’re just a tiny piece of my life and I am hopeful that there is no limit nor end to ‘tiny random pieces’ in every day that I am blessed to be alive. My late husband told me to find him in every sunset and sunrise. I still do. I still cry. I still HOPE for more. Your words were and are a ‘random tiny piece’ and blessing to me.

                  Susan

            • Fran says:

              No — I said SOME lives are not going to change, no matter what they do — because life is not that easy to change. It would be nice if it were — but it’s not. We do not have total control over our lives. If we did, then there would be this formula which EVERYONE could follow, and, viola, instant friendship! It doesn’t work that way. What one person does is not necessarily what will work for others.

              And, yes, I can make a blanket statement that the video is not a good analogy, because — for the third time — it has nothing to do with an adult finding himself/herself alone, without family or friends, or with family that is not very good. This young woman had loving family, who encouraged her, from the moment she was adopted.

              I suffered from depression, minor and major, most of my adult life. I was very fortunate to have good therapists, and I was also fortunate not to go on many meds. A few years ago I went to a endocrinologist and a holistic psychiatrist, and to cut to the chase, a few B12 injections and Vit D3 and Holy Basil cured my depression in about 6 weeks. So does that mean that EVERYONE should do exactly what I did?? And that there’s something wrong with them if they don’t do as I did? Or that there’s something wrong with them if the combo doesn’t work for them??

              I’m not against encouragement — come on, gimme a break — what I am against is someone saying that ‘if it worked for me, it WILL work for you!’ and insinuating/implying that if you don’t DO something about it — and succeed — then you’re a failure.

              I truly think — and thank God I had a famous therapist who believed this too — that some people are meant to be alone — for whatever reasons — and that their life ‘lesson’ (at least at the moment) is to learn to be contentedly alone with themselves. Not EVERYONE is meant to have a friend or friends every minute and moment of their lives.

              SO — I should write a nice long treatise about how I came to be content — and even happy in being alone — and I should encourage EVERYONE follow suit and then I should end by saying/insinuating/implying that EVERYONE has to do as I have done or there is something wrong? Of course not.

              SOME people are going to be alone for the rest of their lives. Some are going to be alone for a long time. Some will be alone for a period of time, and then friends will come into their lives — and maybe after a period of time, they will be alone again.

              It’s a delicate balance to live in the present and to prudently plan for the future. It’s such a waste to live pretty much only IN the future.

              And, yes, I’ve thought about getting a bike and joining a group — there are lots of them in NM — once can actually ride a bike in NM without being overly concerned about traffic — at least a good bit of the time — but, anyway, that’s just not me. And I don’t need a ‘friend’ that bad. I AM fortunate to have ONE very close friends, of 13 years, in another state. We e-mail almost everyday and talk by phone often. In a few days — as soon as the heat lifts more — I’m going to be leaving to spend 10 days with that person. BUT — I’m still pretty much alone in NM — and in life — and I’ve come to love the life I have. That doesn’t mean that I’m not open to other friendships — I smile and I talk to people — but if I never have another close friend, I’m quite find with that. I don’t waste my days sitting around with a all-consuming desire to have a friend. And people need to hear things like this too: that a very good life can be lived even without a friend.

              I’m not going to say anymore on this subject. I’ve said all I want to say. And I wish everyone well. And when I get back, I’ll see how things are going here. All in all, this has been a pretty good place.

              • joan says:

                HI FRAN; hope you enjoy your trip–maybe your
                long time friend can help you remove that rather
                large cactus you seem to have wedged up your butt–
                –sounds like its making you a tad prickly–but do
                not worry there is always HOPE: joan

                • Fran says:

                  Joann, if you weren’t so crude and sarcastic, you might have a friend. Check your own behind first.

                  • Rain says:

                    Fran I can only imagine the amount of personal pain and others on here are enduring. And I’m so sorry that you are. We all have our individual crosses to bear, our own journey’s to complete and, in reality, no-one has walked in any of our shoes so whatever we say on here either comes from conquering or managing our own pain or journey or as the backlash of still walking in its painful depths. My only wish for people stuck in the quagmire of depression, pain and hopelessness is that my journey might, in some small way, help. Because I’m nothing special, just a women who was shaken to the core with words of truth that I didn’t want to acknowledge. The person responsible cared enough about me to do that. Honesty was what saved me when years of enabling had allowed me self pity beyond reason. The journey hasn’t ended. I live still in constant pain, I still have the same issues as prior BUT while all that is a PART of me, I will never again make it ALL of me. Again, I wish you light, peace and happiness within.

                    • Fran says:

                      Rain, I was speaking to Joan — but apparently that doesn’t matter to you.

                      No, Rain, I’m not experiencing a great deal of personal pain and haven’t in a long, long time. If you’ve read any of my e-mails, you know that.

                      However, Rain, your great compassion is very touching. And your wisdom is great. May no one learn that silence and solitude can be great blessings. May everyone follow you into light, peace and happiness, because you are The Way, The Truth and The Light. In fact, I think you should start a blog of your own. In fact, I think you should be on the front page of The New York Times. You’ve got it, kid!

                      I’m outta here again. For good this time. I won’t be reading your wonderful and wise and HOPEFUL reply. Be happy. And continue to be dense.

            • Rain says:

              Fran the bottom line her is that we have two opposing viewpoints. And that’s Ok. As much as I believe your way is demoralizing and dis-empowering to people, you believe my way is negative in some way. Cool, instead of trying to convince each other that the other is right, I’d prefer not to be a right-fighter and agree that perspective sometimes does that, gives opposites. So I wish you well. By the way, I had ridden bikes for years before being crippled, because I loved riding, not to make a friend. Anyway, enough of this sillyness, move on.

            • Rain says:

              Hi Joan WOW your words have humbled me. If I wanted to write something totally inspirational, I would love to have written your words You are blessed with insight, not just into yourself, which is wonderful, but into others. More than that, you have courage deep inside, and while you may struggle, you keep fighting. You write with such conviction about what you know you need and I am so in awe of you now. The people I admire are those that continue to fight in the face of adversity. You do that. And for others who struggle to do that, I will try to stand by them and help them find the courage they need to fight as well even if it means I have to tell a few home truths on the way. You have inspired me and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Hugs Rain

              • joan says:

                RAIN: THANK YOU–your words make me cry–i am so
                happy you found meaning in what i wrote–i just
                had to write what was in my heart because i found
                the comments about how some peoples lives would likely not change to be not just dis-empowering i
                find it to be irresponsible–at the beginning of my
                health issues i had not learned how to live with
                constant pain–the limitation–the loss of all the
                things i enjoyed in life–i was home alone not able
                to work,walk my dog,drive my car or even clean my
                home–i fell into a depression so deep i did not
                speak for days at a time–i did not take a bath,
                wash my hair or brush my teeth–i did not feel i
                was worth taking care of–not even by myself-that
                was one of the lowest points of my life–if,at that time someone had told me my life was not
                going to get better or mostly would not get better–i would have killed myself–when i write
                on here i try to remember how i felt at that time
                and i try to be positive–to uplift–i believe that when we uplift others we uplift our selves–
                i do not always succeed and there are some posts
                from me on here that prove that–they are funny
                but totally un-uplifting–i remember my mother
                telling me to do unto others as you would want done to you–it is simple but it has stuck with
                me–Rain you too have been faced with mountains
                to climb and you reached the summit–it does not
                matter if you walked,crawled or road your bike
                –you did it–YOU DID IT–celebrate yourself and
                we should celebrate you too–your success tell us
                that success is possible–it gives us strength to
                think maybe we too could succeed–maybe we will
                succeed–that is a message of hope–of possibilities–if you can share your struggles
                and help someone on their way what possible difference could it make if they found a shared
                joy in riding a bike–joining a knitting circle
                or a nudest park–they did something that improved their lives–what that thing is does not
                matter one whit–it is the doing the moving forward–that is the point–Rain i do thank you
                for all your compliments but really i am just
                a fat old lady who some how knows what i need to
                make me whole and if i want those things why would i wish for you or others to have less? -joan-

    • TB says:

      A Big Hello To You All!!! I read alot if the posts, and I must get straight to the point, because when we are in pain or self realization we tend to go on and on and…thereby missing what is needed to gave a Great Life at any age. My Question, “What’s in your Soul?”. That’s where Truth of Any & Everything Lies, as well as the tools to construct or disconstruct out lives. Live free and know there is a force Greater than us. And I am a product of an alcoholic mother & father & was raised on the Southside of Chicago in a poverty on welfare w/10 siblings in an unloving household. We are never alone, The Creator is Always Greater, Trust and Believe. I’ve seen & experienced alot of sadness & happiness in life. Arm your Soul with Good/Greatness and get on with living your life.

  2. Fran says:

    We live but a fraction of our life. Why do we not let in the flood, raise the gates, and set all our wheels in motion?

    – Henry David Thoreau

  3. Ben says:

    I have just turned 60 and it is very hard for a good man like me to meet a good woman again, especially after a divorce. My wife was the one that cheated, and i was a very caring and loving husband that was very committed to her as well. Now going out all over again is the very hard part since women today are so very nasty to meet, and very stuck up as well. I very much hate being alone, and i certainly don’t play games like many of the women do now. I wanted so much to have a family which never happened, and i have a very good reason to be so bitter since most of my friends are settled down with a family that i don’t have. I feel as if God is really punishing me since there are so many men and women that were very fortunate to have met one another. If this was God’s intention for me to be all alone, then i should have never been born in the first place since everyone of us do need love.

    • Carol says:

      Ben, How long have you been divorced? I went thru the same thing, husband cheated, found dating later in life so uncomfortable. I finally gave up for a few years and took the pressure off myself and was then able to enjoy the simple things in life and find happiness within my heart alone; without a significant other. I gardened, made an effort to spend more time with friends and my parents. Took up Flamenco dance lessons which ended up becoming a 12 yr passion and opened up the door to meet friends I have now known for 10 yrs . I never had children either, but I’m ok with it – I dont miss what I have never known. Try to make yourself happy, do things you enjoy doing. Happiness and contentment in life is within ourselves. If you look to another person to define your purpose in life and fill that void you will always be disappointed; people have too many flaws to put your entire happiness into. Once you get to a place where you are content and happier, your heart will also be more open to inviting others into your life. You have to heal those wounds first. And you will, the heart is resilient. You’ll find someone again. 60 is not old when people are now living well past 90. My grandfather lost his wife, my grandmother at the age of 75. 5 years later he was able to enjoy life again and he has a girlfriend now that he met walking in his neighborhood, a young 65 yr old woman who lives nearby. They struck up a conversation about the flowers that the deer kept eating!

      • Rain says:

        So well said Carol.

      • Bob says:

        I am a young, fit 65 year old single male that lives with his beloved Greyhound. I’ve been divorced for 7 years and neither one of us cheated. We were just on entirely different pages regarding raising our son. She enabled him to the degree that he’s 29 never worked or driven a car. We have been estranged for over 7 years. I am alone with very few friends, anyone to visit, very little family and totally unsuccessful on dating sites. Henceforth I am very alone. I look and feel great for my age yet I just can’t connect. Any ideas?

        • Rain says:

          Bob, Oh dating sites can be fraught with disaster but some people have success. Maybe figure out what your interests are and join clubs around those interests I think is the best way. For me it was bikes, camping and music and I went from sitting home alone day after day to a full calendar. try it, you’ve nothing to loose. Oh are you in small town or large one?

          • mary glady says:

            Hi I was werry about my living because my husband was able to understand me he was very loveable to his mother and sister if I commly speeking wit h him it was wroung for him

        • joan says:

          Hi Bob: you asked for ideas on meeting people–look no further
          than the end of your doggy leash–animal lovers are all great
          people and there is nothing we love to do more than talk and
          talk and talk about our pets–i do not know where you live but
          if there are any dog parks in your a area that can be a hot
          spot to meet and chat with all kinds of new people–check it out first some of these parks are full of poop and vicious dogs
          off leash–if you find a good park frequent it you will be surprised how soon you will have a big circle of new people in
          your life–also try Greyhound rescues–animal welfare groups
          anything to do with helping animals–they always need volunteers and at least you will start off with something in
          common–hope this was some help–good luck–just one more thing: it was so very nice to hear from a man who’s marriage
          ended in divorce and he is not blaming his x-wife and every
          other woman on the planet for the problems: joan

      • Ben says:

        Carol, it is very hard for many of us men finding love again, especially after a divorce which wasn’t my fault at all. And i guess that i was just to good for her since she was the one that Cheated on me. It really Sucks to be alone when most of my friends are settled down with their own life. I don’t have children either, and at least the ones that have children have something to fall back on. I would have never thought that it will be so very hard for me finding love again since i seem to meet the Wrong women instead of just one good one to make me happy. It will be almost a year that i am divorced now since many of us men are the weaker sex when it comes to being alone, and i will certainly admit that. There are no good places to go too meet people, like they had years ago when they had a lot of single dances that made it easier. On line dating really stinks too, which i have tried already. My aunt and uncle had just celebrated their 65th year together, so you can see how easy it was for them to meet each other when they met in school. The times were certainly a lot different than now, and today most women don’t even want to date anymore. Where i live the women don’t even say hello to you at all since i have tried that already, and was is very sad is that they will go out with the creepiest men that i have ever seen in my life, Go figure.

  4. Hazel says:

    People/Friends, do not fall for this Jennifer Martins person, she is FAKE and the email she is giving is a SCAM!!!

    You will be trapped to give your private/financial Information and going to cost you BIG!!

    • susan says:

      Hazel,

      I haven’t been writing much, but I have been reading and it seems to me that the best ‘spell’ is the one from Rain to cast out positivity and happiness and this will attract others to you. Yeah, it sounds all too easy and over simplified, but sometimes that’s just what the truth is – easy, simple, obvious.

      Be negative. Get negative.

      I’ve cried, stressed. worried and worked for 10 years while caregiving and then burying 1/2 of my family. I can’t tell you how unattractive I am to others. My beautiful son is all I have left and I am determined that he see me CHANGE.

      Friend after friend has drifted off including two best girlfriends of over 20 years. I have seen both of these ladies throught horrible divorces, been made Godmother to a daughter, praised by the other for ‘all I did’ for her. But as they moved on with their lives – and I celebrated their doing so – they forgot the friend who took their calls night after night – sheltered them – confronted their ex’s – held them as they wept uncontrollably.

      On the day I buried my husband – one of these two frieds basically said ‘good-bye’ to me and MEANT IT WAS FOREVER. It took me about a year to realize this. When I did boy did it hurt.

      Just these last few months – another one gone. Botter divorce. I was her first phone call when served with separation papers. Helped her night and day for months. She met some guy a few months back and he wanted me out of the picture. And so it seems I am.

      EVEN with both of these friends as angry and hurt and bitter as I am….I fight back with letting them know I wish them only happiness. Blasting away and telling them how much they have shown their shallow selves is pointless. So I walk or run and pray while I go and keep telling myself – STAY strong, faithful, open to love and fight for joy; drive out the negative as it will eat you alive.

      I praised LeyAnn for her ‘spirit’ not for her choice to sleep with guys from the grocery store. It gave me a chuckle to read her words because she just put it out there that she is going about her life HER way. I don’t judge this. It’s not for me, but Rain is right….all the way….and well, I’ll spend my ‘magic spell’ money on a new pair of shoes :).

      I can only offer that I have been so sad and lost and stressed and angry that I too turned to this blog to find the words of others to help me. They have.

      Rain – my husband died after battling RA for 25 years. He was bedbound for the last 2 years of his life and my work to care for him almost broke me…..but his spirit was so powerful that I found strength and joy everyday right up the the last few moments. I left him for 15 minutes to pick up our son. When I arrived back I just started taling to him – unaware he was gone for several moments.

      He suffered for 25 years as I have never known nor ever will know suffering. If he could remain positive and hopeful – how can I not try to do so as well for our son?

      It’s hard, but I figure it’s the only way to go. Your words have helped me to further believe this is true.

      Thank you,
      Susan

      • Rain says:

        Susan, my heart goes out to you. You have had to walk a very tough road. RA robs you of so much, the pain is relentless yet your wonderful husband managed to retain his positiveness when it would have been very understandable to give in to it all. What an inspiration for you. I feel for your loss, I really do and I send you all the positive energy I can give you. When I read about journeys like yours and how you are coping with positive way of being through very tough times, it inspires me as well thank you.

      • Anne says:

        Ben, life can be challenging but it is still worth living it. When one door closes another will open. Not all women are nasty, some just lack confidence and wrongly feel that they cannot trust people (they might have had a disappointed experience just like you had) hence this deep seated lack of straightforward communication . You are disappointed at the moment but have faith. With reference to “no family”, does it really matter. Children can marry or not as the case may be and move far away, you might be alone then. There is more misunderstanding within close relatives than with friends as expectation are higher and feelings can be easily hurt. For what it is worth, these are my reflections. Games.? We all play games at times, not always realising we do. Reactions are complex, may be depending on matters beyond our control. Warm regards Anne

    • Barb Weissman Gottlieb says:

      Dear Ben, i understand some of your situations, My ex was abusive and i recently divorced him. Many
      People give advice, i believe it is difficult to bounce back (although my ex has had a girlfriend since
      Before our divorce became final).
      I believe it takes being very brave to move forward. I myself take two steps forward and three
      steps back. After a long marriage doing things alone is difficult. I can tell you, and I hope
      this helps, I push myself to attend gatherings alone. I hope with practice as with all things
      It will become easier. I have eaten in restaurants alone, my next step is to attend a movie alone
      And I plan to take a very needed vacation, Alone. I hope you will find some of these suggestions
      Helpful….last but not least, the first on my list is to volunteer, i want to make literature available
      At the doctors office, the dentist, the hairdresser on where help is available in the event of
      abuse. If we know better we can do better….i wish you well. Barb

  5. Rain says:

    I know I’m going to get in so much trouble but, really, do I care? Well I do but I’d much rather tell you the truth than molly coddle you. With the exception of a few on here and you know who you are, I can understand why you are alone. My God, I have never come across such negative, blame finding, victimized and clearly needy whingers in my whole life. I think many of you need a bloody wake up call. The men who blame the women for their unhappiness is just ridiculous. The same for the women who blame the men. Your happiness or unhappiness is not caused my others. It is caused by how you deal with things in your life. It’s about how you deal with crisis. Do you wallow in self pity or do you deal with it as a single experience and close the door on it not allowing it to affect your present journey? Happiness is what’s inside you, it’s radiates from you to others. That is what is attractive, people are drawn to it and repelled by the negative. Maybe you need to take a really good look in the mirror and ask yourself, what do I have to offer a partner, what sort of person would someone find attractive. Do I radiate a good feeling about life to the people I meet.I can tell you, the negativity, the blame and the excess baggage is a bloody turn off. I 63 yrs old, multiple disabilities and alone for 25 years now but I’m happy. IF and at my age it’s a big IF, I was to find someone to spend time with, that would be a bonus, but if I don’t, my life is still great. Sorry for the bluntness, but you need it.

    • Joan says:

      WAY TO GO RAIN!!–i have been thinking the same things for some time
      now but i did not have the nerve to say it–so very glad you did–
      i am 64–with mobility issues that greatly restrict my life–i have not
      known a day without pain in over 10 years–since i was in my forties i have battled depression–i wasted so many years wallowing in self
      pity and blaming everyone else for my problems–i thought of myself
      as a victim and therefore i was–others saw what i projected and so
      it was not very long before i found myself all alone and very very
      unhappy–and very very fat–i punished myself with food and now find
      i am over 100lbs over weight–i do not really know what changed in me but a few months ago i decided nothing i was doing was working for me and at almost 65 i was running out of time to get it sorted
      out–i started keeping a gratitude journal–just some loose lined
      paper–nothing fancy–i start and end everyday now with at least 3
      things i am blessed to have in my life–its often simple things like
      i am blessed to have had less pain today than yesterday or the sun
      shine made the garden looks so pretty–if i am having a really
      bad time of it i find it is helpful to re-read these writings–gets
      me thinking of good things not bad–as i said this is very new to me
      so i am still learning to think in a different way–i fail all the time slipping back into pity party mode–i give myself a mental kick
      in the butt and try my best to get on with things–sometime i do better than others–but at least i am trying–given time and a little more confidence i intend try taking a class or joining a
      seniors group–swimming is the only exercise i can now do so maybe
      the local YMCA would be a good choice–at my size the aquariums whale enrichment program is likely where i belong–oh, that is some-
      thing else i recently found–my sense of humor–prattled on long enough–my only point is: as difficult as it is to hear Rain is right–we all are responsible for our own happiness–if the road we
      are on is not getting us where we want to be — change direction and
      see what happens–thanks Rain i was about to unsubscribe to this
      website–now i think i’ll hang in for a while: joan

      • Rain says:

        Oh Joan how awesome it was to read your post. I’m so thrilled. You go girl lol.
        Joan, July 2012 I was 61 then and I weighed 183 kilograms (for you pounds people that’s over 400lbs). I was in a wheelchair due to a serious car accident 30 yrs earlier plus Rheumatoid Arthritis and Fibromyalga, but my weight exacerbated the unbelievable pain I was in. My story is a long one, I won’t bore you with the details but today, I weigh 100kgs (220lbs) and still loosing, I ride a motorbike, am out camping with my biker mates every week. I go camping with them and other non- biker friends every couple of weeks, I go to clubs every Friday and Saturday nights to see Tribute Bands with my new friends and MY FRIENDS PHONE ME TO SEE HOW I AM OR IF I CAN COME OUT TO PLAY hahahaha. I’m still on my own but I am happy as can be. If someone came along now, well it would be icing on the cake but really, the cake is pretty delicious without it. Point is, change your attitude, how you present yourself to the world and your world changes too. Be your own best friend. Proud of you Joan biggest hugs to you

        • joan says:

          Hi Rain: thank you for your kind words and telling me a bit of
          your personal story–it came at the best time possible–i had
          to go into hospital for some tests–while i was on the table
          having strange men probe me in not so public places i re-ran
          your post in my head–it helped not to notice what was being
          done–i hate teaching hospitals–there is one other thing that
          struck me–i promise not to be clingy but as i move forward
          with my new thinking and hopefully weight loss would you mind
          if i check in with you from time to time?–i am a pretty tough
          cookie so please feel free to say know if that is how you feel
          thanks: joan

    • rain says:

      Rain, you are so inspiring. Thank you, I love your spirit.. Sherry

    • Trevor Davies says:

      You will not find anyone with that attitude. It’s nothing to do with what disabilities you suffer from, it’s the level of understanding you have for others. Being as self opinionated as you are allows no room for considering others. No doubt from where you are with your mental strength things are easy compared to those of a more fragile mental nature. I am 72 and a stroke victim. I am lucky in that I have no loneliness issues. Some are weaker than us and we should consider them not by our own abilities to survive but their abilities not to
      .

      • Rain says:

        Firstly I may be assuming, possibly incorrectly, that your reply was aimed at my post. If not, nothing more to be said. But if so, I respectfully disagree. You couldn’t be more wrong. I’ve been the victim, I’ve been so totally wrapped up in self pity and blame that I couldn’t and didn’t want to care about others. I’ve been where most of you have been and I’m here to tell you that you don’t have to stay in that place. Happiness does come from inside and life can be a good thing, at any age. Alone and Lonliness are to entirely different things. If you are looking for someone to bring you happiness, you will fail because that is not what relationships are all about. For the record Trevor, no-one is born weak. That’s a learned behaviour and each little step you take to find your strength, makes you stronger. It is self-fulfilling. We grow with each tiny little achievement. For me it was to lose 1kg of weight. I did that and said Yes, I did it once I can do it again and each time, each one little kilo loss, I gained more strength from. My self esteem rose, my self worth increased and so did my will to succeed. And my pain eased just a fraction but it eased. I will always have pain but I manage it so much better now. Trevor You have never walked in my shoes, you have no idea what I’ve been through and what I’ve beaten and I’m just a normal person, nothing special and every single person on here who is stuck in that negative space can do what I dud. You only have to believe it, believe in yourself and want to do it but you need to face some harsh realities, like I had too. It’s hard but Oh dear God, the payoff is incredible. So you keep believing people are weak Trevor, you keep telling them they can’t change their life because that’s what you believe but if that is what they wanted to hear they wouldn’t put their hands up for help. Unless it is only sympathy your after, not change. Like your opening statement, “You will not find anyone with that attitude”. Really? Who gave you the right to speak for people?

        • Fran says:

          I agree with you 100%. I’ve said essentially the same thing here in weeks past, altho’ not quite so blunt. :-) I hope your posts wake up at least some here. Life is too precious — and too glorious — to spend it feeling sorry for oneself. I get lonely at times — I think everyone does — altho’ I don’t get nearly as lonely as I did when I was in a bad marriage. But it’s not bad enough any time for me to sit at home and have a pity party. There are just too many things to do, too many things to read, too many things to learn.

    • Velda says:

      Thank you, Rain. You spoke what I have long wanted to say. I get lonely at times (which is how I found this site), but I am in my situation because of my choices. People need to accept responsibility for themselves. There are no happiness fairies; although pharmaceutical companies would have us believe in happiness pills.

      • Rain says:

        Velda, we are human, we all make mistakes. God knows how many I made. But looking at the mistake as an opportunity to learn, to grow and to make amends is success as far as I’m concerned.
        If you don’t make mistakes, how can you learn. It means your moving forward and really that’s what it’s about. Everything I do is a little journey. Whether it’s hanging out the washing, taking a weekend trip or spending time with my friends. Each little adventure/journey has a beginning, a middle and an end and each individual journey stands alone in the bigger scheme of my life. Some journey’s are great, some I could have planned better and some, well, let’s just say I used some bad judgement cause I wasn’t thinking straight. You know, like when your travelling and it’s late and your really tired and you just pull into any hotel for the night and find the bed has big bugs lol. Well maybe you should have used better judgement and pulled up sooner but what the heck, you learned and even the bed bugs thing is just another adventure. You learn from each one, you move on to the next. That is life. So don’t go bashing yourself up over some bad decisions. Use them as experience when planning your next little journey. Life is just a series of little journey’s, remember that and try to enjoy them because you have no idea who or what that little adventure will bring lol One thing I hope someone gets here is this. You can’t move forward in your life while ever your facing the opposite way, looking at where you already been. Turn around, put the past the bed and move forward.

        • Velda says:

          “Life is a journey” has become my mantra. In the last year or so, my position was reduced to less than half time, I completed my advanced degree, I found a job where I may be content until retirement (the position officially starts tomorrow), and I have moved to a town where I have no friends or relatives. The first one was not my choice, but the rest were. Over the years, I have made many poor choices, and I occasionally question those that resulted in my independent lifestyle, but those sad times are becoming fewer and getting farther away.

          One thing I have learned (well, I am learning) is to ask for help. In my new environment, I know very little. I ask strangers for directions. In the hardware store, I ask the clerks for assistance. I ask coworkers for advice. People like to be helpful, and people in this small community really like to chat. I have no expectations of life-long relationships, but eventually I will be recognized.

          My journey continues…

          Rain, you have a great attitude, and I am glad you spoke out and posted in this forum.

          • Rain says:

            Thanks Velda, it’s been a long road and uphill all the way but so worth it. thanks again. I just hope and pray that my journey will inspire someone to take the leap and start to enjoy life. It is so worth the hard work

  6. Fran says:

    I live in New Mexico. I don’t want anyone to give out their address — not even their city — we can cross that bridge when we come to it (somehow) — but does anyone here live in New Mexico?? I am centrally located, and I love taking drives around NM is the fall (and the spring). I am also looking for a woman roommate when I move into a 2-bedroom retirement community next spring. But that’s another topic. So — anyone live in NM who likes to take relatively long car trips? :-)

  7. Marian says:

    i want you all to help me out because another woman is about to take my man from me please help me i

    really need my man back

    • Hazel says:

      Geeez, Marian, are you a baby…!! People like you are very lucky to get everything easy in life so you are crying like a little girl asking others to do what is not possible for them, what you think our lives are all about?? You have enough food, roof over your head, you can afford a computer and know how to use it, so, why can you not stand on your feet!!

      • Starbbycat says:

        Geez Hazel, blunt much, the woman is hurting there are nice ways of saying things that are more helpful than being ripped apart.

      • Deb says:

        Hazel…sometimes it is best to have a ” filter” when listening to others who are hurting, it is not necessary to become a BULLY. The last thing they need it to be ” kicked when they are down” think about it please.

        • Trevor Davies says:

          Deb
          Thank goodness someone with a little intelligence and compassion.
          There are a few here who only want to wag their fingers and telling them how it is and seem to be convinced of their own divinity. Unfortunately there are many of this ‘bullying nature who are aggressively vociferous and are listened to by the more vulnerable.

    • Luella Nicholson says:

      Hi

      The first thing that you should do is to find out if he is a good man.

      If he is a good man, ask yourself this questions, why is he so easy to go to another woman?

      Me thinks he is a womanizer, maybe?…..

    • Rain says:

      Marian, another woman is not taking your man. He is doing that himself. Nobody can make you do something you don’t allow to happen. And Honey, I’m sorry but if he is going to another woman, he isn’t your man any longer. If he is cheating on you, why do you want him back? Really, you will accept second best. Hell No, I deserve more than that and so do you. Find your pride, your dignity and get angry and tell him where to go. How dare he, he isn’t a man, he is nothing but a little boy.

  8. Tom says:

    Well i will be 60 this month, been married at one time before my wife of 15 years cheated on me. Now alone and have no one, and it is very hard for me to meet a good woman again. Most of my friends are settled down since they were very blessed by God to have met the right woman for them, and meeting a good woman was much easier than today since most women and men struggled to make ends meat. today we have just too many spoiled women out there that want it all.

    • Fran says:

      Eh, I don’t think there are a lot of spoiled women out there. I think we don’t need to just ‘settle’ anymore because we can support ourselves.

    • Julie says:

      Hiya Tom I hope you are ok, although my husband or I never cheated on each other I still divorced him, marriage just wasn’t for me, just stayed together for the sake of our 3 children who have long flown the nest, just habit we dont really get on at all , he was always too possesive and as a result I lost contact with all my friends, I have very few friends now and find it hard to trust people apart from my kids. I’m not spoilt or big headed I just get by with the basic things in life, I am independant though I ask no one for anything, If I cant afford something I simply do without rather than get a loan, so I have never been a snob. Must admit though I do have one thing in life that I love as daft as it sounds it’s “Take That” i’m also a Manchester City fan lol.

    • Christina says:

      I am 58 years old have 3 children and 5 grandchildren husband left me to build a house in Africa and went back home to live

    • Connie says:

      Try not to be negative about all women. I thought it was men that had the issues. Now I know that women can be unfaithful too. I’m 67 and feel 50. So I’m not really ready for solitude. I also had a spouse that cheated after 10 years of marriage. Really I think it had been since the beginning of our marriage. I loved that man so much but when I found out he had cheated, which was several times, I just couldn’t call that a marriage. i told him I wanted a divorce, but I really didn’t, I just wanted him to be faithful to me. To this day, I have the feeling that I still love him. But if I really examine it, I think it’s is the thought of him that I still want. I wanted him but I wanted him to want only me also. It’s been 36 years now and I still miss him. Couple of marriages that didn’t work out and now I’ve all but given up on every having a relationship with anyone. I just don’t want to be hurt anymore. My heart is not as young as it used to be and I don’t think it can handle heartbreak very well now. I don’t mind the dance but I want no more pain.

      • starbbycat says:

        Amen to that sister! No more pain!

      • Debbie says:

        Connie: I know what you mean about giving up on having a relationship with someone. I, too, was divorced at a young age after 10 years of marriage & 3 kids to a “cheater” – he cheated 3 times that I KNOW of. Being raised Italian-Catholic, divorce wasn’t an option for me, so I kept taking him back. He was indeed the love of my life & I still miss him after 33 years, even though he’s happily married. Like you said, it may just be the “thought” of what we could’ve had together – our minds play tricks on us. I am married today, after compromising 26 years ago to settle with a great guy, who’s been nothing but wonderful to me & my 3 kids (and now grandkids). He has no ex-wives & no children, so we ARE the only family he has. The trouble is this: I have never had the love for him that I did for my ex & all these years I have “chosen” to love him. We have had many ups and downs, but stayed true to our commitment. I feel as though I’ve missed out on having a true, loving relationship with a partner, but I’m not sure if I could have ever found it in someone else, other than my ex – so I settled. I definitely have a good life and a great husband, but feel alone because we don’t connect in many ways.

      • Tom says:

        Well i certainly been very hurt by so many women, and it is very hard meeting a good one today. My aunt and uncle will be starting their 67th year together, and they had a couple on TV that just celebrated their 75th year together. Back then it was certainly much different, and today many women are very high maintenance. Most women and men did stay together, and that is the reason why our aunts and uncles, grandparents, as well as our parents had very long marriages. Money was never an issue since men and women never hardly had any money back then, and lived with their parents until they saved whatever money they had before they got married which many of them had to struggle anyway. Women back then had no choice, so they had to accept a man for who he was. It is too bad that we don’t have the women around like years ago, which many of us men today would have been settled down with a family as well and didn’t have to deal with this mess now.

        • Fran says:

          Tom, I’m beginning to think you are a troll. Anyway, yes, it was good for the husband ‘back then’ but not for the wife. The men could physically abuse their wives with little or no consequence. And, yes, women had almost no choice ‘back then’ other than to be married and stay married. But guess what — we have a lot of choices now. :-)

        • sherry says:

          TOM, get over yourself, you sound awful and wimpy.Get over the affair thing and start living. I have a neighbor and the first time I met him he kept talking about the affair his wife had, and he is still mad about it. That affair was twenty years ago and he still is croaning about it. I avoid this freak, get over it.

    • Jennifer Russell says:

      I may as well be alone. 63, some spine issues, a “husband” who’s 57 & beating his brains out trying to remain 25. So I sit here, can’t date because still married, can’t leave as my income wouldn’t pay the bills, or would’ve been gone. It’s tough & it stinks! Laura, you said you have a few good friends. I have 0. Amazing how they ALL disappeared when my bad back arrived (just the time I could’ve used a little help, God knows how many favors I did for them) & drove the husband even further to his young friends. (My issues are embarrassing to him, ruining his attempts to stay 25.) Hoping for better times for us all.

    • Joyce says:

      Hi Tom; I just lost my husband a few months ago and I’m dying of loneliness. My name is Joyce and I’m 59 yrs old. Where do you live. I’m in toronto

      • Rian says:

        Joyce,

        Im sorry to hear that and you dont have to feel like that you just need someone by yourside to assist you in anything you need. not okay to feel like that im 51 i feel lonley at times but everything happens for a reason. i believe in you, your going to be with someone for you care.

        have a nice day
        kevin

    • Phoebe says:

      Hi Tom; maybe we can meet for coffe if you’re living close enough. Where do you live?

    • sherry says:

      Hey Tom, with that attitude no wonder your wide left you and u can’t find anyone else. Woman are very self sufficient today, get real

      • Tom says:

        Well if so many women didn’t cheat like my wife did, i still would have been married today for your information.

        • sherry says:

          Maybe she cheated because of reasons to. Women love to be treated like women lov to be treated like women. We are strong people. Maybe she had a reason? Not trying to be mean, but it takes two to make a marriage work. Look deep inside you to maybe went wrong in your marriage. Did you control too much maybe? Only you know. But you should try to figure out why she did this. See your part in this. I have a friend who is 53 years, a very hard worker. He is also an alcholic. His wife divorced him and he did agree to go to counseling. He told me the female counselor said “She wants to go out and eat sometimes, she wants to feel connected. But his thoughts were “I travel with my job and want to eat at home, I eat out three times a day all week. She eats at home all week until he comes home, she might want to go out and eat. He is a very nice person, but drinks too much on the weekends. It would have been a compromise, sometimes he may have enjoyed spending one on one with her too. I hope I am not being too mean, but it does take two to make a marriage work.

      • Tom says:

        How is it that many of you women like to stay alone nowadays, and many of us men don’t? It is just very sad that there are so many loser women out there now, with an attitude problem.

    • Hazel says:

      Tom:

      How dare you call the women at our age “spoiled” who went through so much to come to a point where we can be independent?! I have everything I need except a few real good friends, and that is because I did not stay long enough in one city to develop friendship with others; You must be retarded to think that I would give up my comfort at my age for a man at your age and with personality – Too bad, you have failed, you couldn’t make it in life – And, I don’t believe that your wife was just cheating, she must be escaping from you!

      You want ” a slave” who can not ask more than a cup of soup a day sitting in the corner, and serving you – That is why men like you go Asia to bring some poor women to use under the disguise of “marriage”!

      I am sorry for the women here who are trying to contact you – My God, what for??!!

      • sherry2 says:

        thank you. He acts like a victim, and sounds pretty bad. So what if he is divorced, he has not figured out that he is also part of it. Who would want to date him? He is somewone who appears as a looser. Oh, poor me. Seems like he wants to blame his wife, he spears very angry and a wimp.

      • Trevor Davies says:

        Hazel and Tom born for each other, NOT!

        Poor old Tom and poor old Hazel ! Try to understand where Tom is coming from and Angry hazel is not that much further down the road. Tom, this is 2014 not the 1900’s. We want women to be developed in all ways that satisfy themselves. Yes Hazel I understand your anger but it only invites antipathy without comprehension. That attiyude is little better than Tom’s neandertalic approach. Please come on try to understand each other we are not in mortal combat with the opposite sex8

  9. Chris says:

    I feel very sad reading many of these posts and wish you all the best in your search for friendship.I am 56 and have been married and divorced years ago and have just recently broken up with my partner so I haven’t really ever been by myself I have had either my children living at home but now I just don’t feel like I could stand to go through all this heart ache again of another relationship.I do agree that as we mature as women you do become more invisible to a lot of people but I just try never to give up I don’t have a lot of friends but I try to keep myself busy and keep negative thoughts away and I am not saying for a minute I have it altogether but negative thoughts can ruin your life and give you no hope.I also think that joining a class that you are interested in is a great way of at least having human contact with other people and if that doesn’t work try another class anything that is in a healthy environment .I do agree with who ever said about having cups of coffee all the time gets a bit wearing and find to much coffeeing can lead to gossiping I have found when you find an interest you seem to have more to talk about than pulling anyone down anyhow I live Australia and wish you all Gods Blessings on your lived.0

  10. Penny says:

    I was tempted to say some really mean things to this person.

  11. Christina R says:

    Iam new to the computer,I get scare, Iam 65yrs old. Live alone ,my husband passed I have panic attacks and social phobia there r things I don,t know about the cp I AM VERY LONELY AND SAD I need help how to go on the weds. I don.t know how I got here,don,t have friends,I stay home most of the time ,take medication and no help.sometimes I wish I was dead,please help me Iam scare often .thank you foe listening Iam a big mess.

    • susan says:

      Christina,

      I hope you find your way back to the many kind and good words here from many different people and thoughts.

      I recently read the below passage. I share it with you. It is about a counselor helping a patient who was alone and low amd very afraid. It struck me as such soothing words. I hope it helps you as it did me.

      “When she calmed down, he gently took one of her hands and began drawing a circle in the center of her palm. “This,” he said, “is where you are living. It is painful — a place of kicking and screaming and deep, deep hurt. This place cannot be avoided, let it be.”

      Then he covered her whole hand with his. “But if you can,” he went on, “try also to remember this. There is a greatness, a wholeness that is the kingdom of God, and in THIS merciful space, your immediate life can unfold. This pain,” and he again touched the center of her palm, “is held always in God’s love. As you know both the pain and the love, your wounds will heal.”

    • Shanea Stevens says:

      Dearest Friend Christina,
      I feel your pain through your words.I am feeling the same way and I suppose people would call this my “primetime”.I have much to say if you would email me or I will email you if its ok?
      Sincerely,
      Shanea S.

    • d says:

      Hi Christina,

      I feel exactly like you. I do not have friends either. Husband moved around alot to get where he wanted to be in the company he worked for. Georgia has been my home for the last 25 years. I raised my two sons and now my husband is very ill. I feel so alone and I take meds too. Maybe we can send messages to each other. I would love to have a friend.

      • Prince says:

        Hi,, Christnia ,,
        I have read your post which makes me feel that you need at least few friends who can chart with you through mails, pls consider my friendship and reply to my ID,, I am waiting to hear you more about your life and things,, bye take care,,

      • Janie says:

        Since retiring at 55, now 58. I lost my hubby within 6 months & now feel left out & invisible by everyone. I thought retirement would be fun but I sit here by myself most days & sometimes don’t even talk to anyone for days at a time. Very sad.

    • North Wind says:

      Christina, I’m sorry for your situation as I know first hand how panic attacks and social phobia can limit your life. I’m also 65, single, no family and live in the country so am rather isolated. I do have 3 good gal friends I can call on. And I have therapy 2x a month which helps me to vent my feelings. Sometimes it seems like no one understands how being alone/without family feels to an older person. The things that help me are my therapy, emailing or calling my friends, doing physical work, having pets and talking to God. But I still get scared at times. May you find some solutions to ease your pain.

    • Trevor Davies says:

      We are all different and I can only imagine how you feel. I have similar feelings but not so acute. I go outside and look it is beautiful but sometimes it is not quite enough. Nobody there and without someone to share the beauty so it is as though it hasn’t happened. However, I am happy and not depressed as you seem to be. I am 72 and have given up trying to find a compatible person and I realise that friendship is the more valuable commodity. Although I don’t know you I recognise your distress. I am sure that with a few more replies you will strike up a friendship soon. If you reply I will also. Trevor

  12. Barbara says:

    Over the last 2 years I now have found sadly alone, is it society leaving ,many alone if not the exact expectation!

    • Franklin says:

      am franklin, am from NY. 40years. can you tell me more about you in my email here [email address removed by moderator- People have reported receiving SPAM messages by posting their email addresses] hope to here from you soon

    • Liz says:

      Hi Barbara
      I quite agree, that is true, society today is so much to blame I think! As I get older I am feeling more and more alone and depressed and would love hear from you or anyone in the same position. I have left my email.

  13. Leyan says:

    To all the women that are lonely. There are just as many lonely men. Go to the supermarket. I have met so many men at Wal-Mart go up to them and speak to them I will be 61 this yr I have went out with all ages and had dinner and then came home had some wine some spend the night some spend the weekend. You are only alone because you choose to be alone pamper your self dress up look good when you go out I promise if you start making small talk buy a roast and suggest to a man it would be fun to have someone to enjoy it with. They will get the hint. make yourself available sorry I may be sixty but Im not dead and I love the feel of a new man under my sheets will never get married again it’s amazing how different men can be in and out of bed

    • susan says:

      Dang. You go girl!

      However you make that roast – I’d like the recipe.

      I won’t suggest ‘join a club or go to church’ for fear of being blasted by some as being out of touch….but all I can say is that if we are ‘alone'; truly alone, then all we have is OURSELVES to get out of this state. Either you wake up tomorrow and decide to ‘be alone another day’ or you try something new….anything new. If it fails and you meet NO ONE or feel ignored…be bitter, check off that option and try something else.

      It’s not being blind to some kind of universal ‘loneliness’ when ou reach a certain age and time in life…it’s about decidng you don’t want this loneliness and doing something….anything…about it no matter how it may fail or how many TIMES it may fail…the ‘doing’ something may just put a sliver of hope and light into your spirit.

      That’s what I take from Leyan’s note….and I thank her.

    • Fran says:

      No, thanks — I am not that lonely. And what you’re suggesting is not a cure for loneliness. At least not for mine.

    • Fran says:

      Also — going to bed with someone you don’t know very well is a good way to pick up a little ‘something extra’ — if you get my drift.

      • susan says:

        It’s not about going to bed with someone that I applaud and thank LeAnn….it’s her spirit to don’t just give up. WHATEVER is your thing is YOURS as it is HERS but she is saying that if you try to meet others and keep trying it may just get easier. I haven’t slept with someone in 8 years since the death of my husband. I don’t find myself freakish, nor prudish nor ‘dead’. But I sure don’t judge my life long best friend who has slept with 3 men since her divorce 1 year ago.

        To each – their own. But to Leyan – the spirit of her message I find very important.

        • Fran says:

          To each her own.

          • Trevor Davies says:

            No, Fran I think you are right and people get confused between the ‘physical’ and the ‘mental’
            Without the mental the physical will be empty and hollow just like drinking the whiskey as a means of feeling ‘real’
            It’s a shallow way out but it seems to suit some.

  14. Ben says:

    I am a 46 yo man and have recently come across your blog more than once and I can relate with some of the posts and their comments, but I am a newb at posting yet felt compelled. As I stated, I am 46 and had a few acquaintances, but only 2 friends, one of which became my wife while the other is slipping away.
    Growing up, I was the “fat kid”. As preschoolers, children are more likely to accept you, but by grade school the few that had your back eventually abandoned me. Between the ages of 8 thru 10, I became a recluse until I desperately tried to adapt and fit in with anyone. This lead to a life of drug and alcohol abuse by puberty, needless to say I did not date and not by choice either. I was rejected through high school and grew up enough to stop fighting. After graduation and some weight loss, I finally began to date. In hindsight, I should’ve realized how shallow people were, but just I as began to feel “normal” my relationship ended badly and the seed of distrust had been planted.
    My life did not improve very much after that. I overdosed, gained weight, married the next woman even though she cheated on me, am disliked by her children and abandoned by my family. So the moral of my story, even though you might be the nicest person in the world most people are just too shallow to give you the time of day. My advice is live your life for you, find hobbies that please you and make sure they are both sedentary and active. I learned this the hard way as I am now disabled. Be selfish, in a good way, follow your hopes, dreams and passions. You don’t need approval from anyone, but yourself. Please, take stock in yourself and find fulfillment in your own life.

  15. Felicia Gallant says:

    ..I’m sorry but I’ve read some of these responses and they are just sad! I’m sick and tired of these platitudes from the well-meaning folks who have no clue; platitudes like “just get out there and volunteer or join a church group…” Give me a break!

    I can only speak of my own recent experiences at 53. With few friends….I too am a “schoolteacher”, destined, perhaps, to die alone and unnoticed. Is that my fault? It’s a social stigma. Few people care about single old ladies. Just shows you what has happened to our society.

    Many people, I think, believe that if you are single, especially if you’ve never been married, you are gay. I have nothing against being gay but just because you’re single, it doesn’t mean you’re gay and even if you were….let’s face it, in this day and age, there’s supposed to be no stigma anymore! Ah…SO not!

    I live in a community of people with kids. Nobody bothers with me. One year, after building a fence with my neighbours, I invited them all to a Christmas party. Not only did nobody RSVP me but nobody showed up! Meanwhile, year after year, I look out the window and watch the stroller crowd as they stand and laugh and talk and commiserate about their experiences on the street outside my home… Who am I? I’m invisible, despite numerous efforts to be pleasant, approachable and friendly. No one is ever going to stand in a cluster and discuss my dog with me, i promise you! Nobody would give a second thought to what the lady in that house does. Why should anyone care?

    Recently, I purchased a second home with my brother, for future retirement plans in a southern community. Some of the new neighbours have met us – or should I say, “checked us out” and know that the two new owners are not married but brother and sister. When I blow into town by myself, all the potential social events from the “let’s get to know each other” crowd magically dry up. I email the few people I’ve met, saying, “If you’re free, I’d love to go our for dinner or something…” They’re all too “busy”. They know I’m here, as a teacher in the summer; or know I”m here as a teacher on Spring Break, but apparently, they’re too “busy” to even include me for dinner or a drink! What am I supposed to do? Beg? Gimme’ a break!

    So, don’t bother with the wonderful advice about “just getting out there” etc etc…It doesn’t matter where you are. In the western world at least, If you’re single (perhaps worse when you’re female) and you’ve had no kids….you’re done. Modern society with all our concerns about racial equality, gender equality, etc, just doesn’t give a damn about single, older, and I submit, often female, members.

    As to those unfortunate ladies found dead in their golden years in their homes? At 53, my phone rings perhaps twice every 10 week summer with someone who actually knows me…Nobody, as far as I know, hates me. It’s just that NOBODY BLOODY CARES. When you don’t quite fit the standard, and sorry if that sounds bitter, it is what it is.

    • Amy F says:

      You sound frustrated and angry. It’s hard for me to know what to say to you, when you’ve dismissed so many other people’s suggestions.
      I’m a few years younger than you and also single. I’m gay and unfortunately and I have to tell every new person I meet that I’m lesbian because I don’t fit their stereotype, so I guess we have the opposite problem in that respect. It’s really not a big deal to be assumed heterosexual, and I’m not sure why it would be if people assumed you to be homosexual. You can always talk about a man you were seeing or make a comment about all the good ones being taken.
      I have met some wonderful long lasting friends who shared my values through volunteering, I volunteered with kids and I’ve volunteered on a presidential campaign. My library has a monthly book club and they have weekly card and scrabble games.
      For me with both new and older friends, I have better luck saying, “Do you want to go to dinner Friday, rather than vague plans. People seem to be more responsive with a definite invitation. I’m sure it was hurtful and maddening that not one person RSVP-ed or showed up to your party. My heart aches for how that must have felt.
      I’ve made more friends between ages 45-50 than during any other period in my life. One of the things I did differently was look at a few people I knew who had great friends and observe their techniques. I noticed that they smiled genuinely and frequently, made eye contact, appeared interested and showed an interest in the person they were talking to, I adopted some of those things, reminded myself to smile, said hello to more people and more people started talking to me. I still have to remind myself to smile, because I’m often deep in thought, and look aloof which isn’t how I am or how I want to present myself.
      I wonder, perhaps, if it’s possible your frustration and/or anger might show on your face.
      Your letter seemed harsh, although I bet it was more frustration than anything else. It is frustrating when people give me advice that seems stupid and ridiculous, but I try to smile and thank them for trying to be htelpful, even though I might be rolling my eyes to myself figuratively.
      I hope you are able to find some avenues to new relationships, that you don’t give up and consider trying to be hopeless, because I believe you can still make friends at our age. Most of my friends are divorced (single) heterosexual women, a few are married, and a few, like me, never married.
      Good luck.

      • Rain says:

        I have to chuckle a little, not that I find anything written on here funny, I don’t but I chuckle at my own situation. Try being Gay AND Aspergers AND Wheelchair confined AND Morbidly overweight AND 80% deaf. That’s what I chuckle at.
        I was very much like Felicia Gallant above. I tried everything but nobody seemed to want to be around me. I was incredibly lonely and that is an understatement for someone with Aspergers.
        I had a cataclysmic moment, an epiphany so to speak, thanks to my sister. During a disagreement about some stupid thing she yelled at me, “And what the fuck do you give people so they want to be around you Rain? Nothing, nothing at all. Your not a happy person to be around. People want to be around people who make them feel good, who are positive. You drag people down Rain, you drag me down and I don’t want to be around you. I get sick of hearing how it is up to others, they are to blame”.
        I was so shocked. I sat stunned for days but I seriously and very honestly thought about what she said. During that process I came to reaize I was waiting for the happiness to come to me, I was looking to others to make me happy, less lonely. I read everything I could on how to be a happy person to be around. I decided happiness was my goal and only I could make me happy. And it worked. I started to realize that I needed to do the hard work to change my perspective. And I did. I learnt so much about myself that I didn’t realize. I went on a diet first, I lost over 100kg. I got control of my mobility, I learnt to ride a motorbike, I joined a local motorbike group, I bought my first bike. I discovered how much I loved camping (I didn’t know that before), and I go almost every second weekend with my Camping with Dogs group and the off weekend I ride with my bike group. Now when I put a camp trip up on our events board, I get more people wanting to come than any others. (The rest of my story you can read in my first answer here) It is all about attitude.
        I am happy, still alone but happy and I learnt to care about people with no expectation of anything in return. I have learnt to dance in the Rain and my nickname “Rain” was given to me by my bike buddies who recognized my journey. I’m 63 yrs old, I live a very, very full life and if I meet someone, well that would be icing on the cake but I know when my time comes I won’t die alone, I have people around who genuinely care about me and love me because I gave them something of value – my positive energy, my happiness and my love. It all starts with you.

        • Suzie says:

          Beautiful post- so heartwarming, and thanks for sharing! :)

        • Jon says:

          Double Wow! You turned it all around against many odds. What a great story. I am impressed and a little envious even. I want to do much of what you suggest. I ride a motorcycle and I love to camp. Now I need to step out and do it. I am divorced from a very social and happy woman who was my social conduit and without her I find my anxiety and learning disabilities make new connections hard as hell to develop. Humiliating to admit as a 47 y.o. male but it’s my reality. I am not giving up though sometimes it feels like I just can’t overcome these lifelong obstacles.
          Thanks for your post, I wish you and all those faced with some of the more difficult challenges to finding connection and happiness the very best.

          • Rain says:

            Jon just do it. Go sign up with a reputable motor bike social group, then look online for camping groups in your area. Don’t think about doing it, just do it. You might need to try a few different ones to find your nitch, like I did, but oh you will find life will change.

            • Fran says:

              I found out yesterday that I have an aortic aneurysm, and it’s not small. I’m not certain yet what I’m going to do about it, but I don’t think I want surgery at my age. It’s hardly minor surgery. But the news has been a good shot in the arm. While I’ve been packing my bags (downsizing and downsizing) for a number of years now, it’s time to really finish packing. //// I was shocked by the news at first, but not upset today. I do think I’m going to go buy a Honda Shadow and turn it into a trike. Always wanted a bike. No reason to put it off now! :-)

              • Irene says:

                Be sure you get a second opinion!
                Hoping for the best, Irene

                • Fran says:

                  Yesterday was the second one. Not that I thought I needed one. An aortic aneurysm can be seen. Hard to mistake it for something else. :-) And thank you. However, I’ve had such a great ride (pun intended) all my life – it’s hard to be upset and ungrateful.

                • Trevor Davies says:

                  Hello Irene,
                  Re:(Be sure you get a second opinion!
                  Hoping for the best, Irene) I’m not sure what and who you refer to which seems to happen quite often to me when the replies don’t seem to be in order. Perhaps I don’t understand how it works due to my lack of computer know how.
                  I think that the blog is a good idea but I think there are inbuilt problems which are perhaps not insurmountable.
                  The first group of people tell us that they are lonely. People of this group should try to form friendships and help each other.
                  The second group are concerned with singing their own praises and criticising the more fragile. What is their motivation for doing this?
                  My motivation (I think) is trying to understand and empathise with others in a similar position.
                  But having done that, what now in a practical way? I do not mean to be critical but is there a way to reorganise the blog so that one can marshal ones responses? Apologise in advance if I am missing the point ! Trevor

                  • Rain says:

                    I feel very sad when I read a posting and the person is so far down in the depths of despair that they are not able to see the trees for the forest. I was lucky I had one person who told me straight up to my face, the truth. It changed my perspective and subsequently my life. I hope but telling of my journey that it may spark a little bit of fire in the person to say, WOW, Rain did it against really bad odds and she is just a normal person so maybe if I take a bit of a chapter from her book and I can find that happiness as well. I pray that that happens for everyone on here.

                  • Fran says:

                    I agree, Trevor, that the blog posts could be organized better. I find it difficult to follow the posts.

                    And, funny, I was just thinking about this yesterday: there should be room for everyone. People should be able to post/vent and receive empathy. However, there should also be room for people who been in a sad situation and have come out of it (more or less). And while some posters are very ‘exuberant’ over successes, I don’t see it as criticism. I see it as ‘encouragement’ — to show that there are ways out of the sad situations. Otherwise, the blog posts will be only one, long, sad recount of victims and their victimization.

                    Absolutely — everyone should be able to post their stories. And that means everyone. Rain (and others, I think) have found ways to make friends and do have friends, and others, like me, have found peace and contentment in being mostly alone. There are also posters whose lives are so difficult right now that they need to focus just on themselves and getting their lives better (such as people who are very ill and/or have little or no money). But for most of us stuck in sad, friendless lives, at some point we need to reach out and try to make friends or make peace with our (more or less) friendless lives. To just keep complaining endlessly doesn’t help any of us here.

                    However, yes, those of us who have more or less resolved our issues for ourselves — we probably need a tad more compassion and empathy.

                  • Irene says:

                    Trevor,
                    I was responding to Fran who was concerned about her health.
                    I responded directly under her post. Hope this helps.
                    Best, Irene

        • sherry says:

          beautiful story. I have a problerm and need advise. I have been single forever, I am 63, raised beautifuk children love people. I graduated from college a year ago, went to nite school 4 nites a week for 4 hours for two years, and did my own private home health during the day. I absolutely cannot find a job, any job, I apply for crap jobs, don’t care, but I don’t get them. I am about to loose my car, I am broke. I pray and talk to God every day, too much time on my hands. Any solutions or advice? It says that God will answer all our needs, just ask. I love God, but I have no money now, no phone to get calls, and cant pay for my car, which i need, no car insurance, and no food. What am I doing wrong? Or what are some suggestions? I volunteer when I can, but i am broke. What should i do.

          • North Wind says:

            Sherry, Here are some things to ponder: 1. Sign up for Social Security – that will give you some funds. 2. Go to a food pantry so you have something to eat. 3. Check/Google your state to see if they furnish people over 60 with low or no income with cell phones and free minutes. 4. If you truly do not have any money, make an appointment with Department of Human Services for Medicaid and food stamps. In my state, you are allowed a vehicle and home along with $2,000 and still get Medicaid. With Social Security coming in, you may be able to make your car payment and purchase liability insurance. There is always the option to sell your current vehicle and purchase an older one as long as it runs. As far as job, getting one at an older age is difficult. Walmart might be a good place to start as I know of people who are older and have been hired by them.
            Hope this helps:):) Keep asking God for strength and wisdom and read James 2:17:):):)

            • sherry says:

              Hey Northwind, I do have the power, I am a very determined person, I do not know what to do. I would take any job for an income. I have been successful in my life. I was beaten to death as a child, and tried to kill myself as a sixth grader, it did not work, I told my sister that I took a lot of pills to die, and my mother came up and beat me awfully. anyhow, my goal was that I would never hurt people the way I was hurt. I raised two beautiful and wonderful children. I married my mother later in life, I was beaten so much in that marriage I had a breakdown when I filed for divorce, I was beaten so much in that marriage, and I had a breakdown. today, I am so happy to be out of that garbage<I have done so much in my life, that I cannot believe it. I decided to be a good mother, and my kids love me. They are so successful, and I am happy for them. But now, I am so unhappy, I am broke, I made bad coices, but I am making good choices and have been for years. I guess God does not want me to earn money. I went to college 3 years ago, and cannot seem to get a job. where is god in this? I am either over qualified or under, so I have two resumes, the good one and the bad one. I have really lost my faith. sorry to be a cry baby

          • Rain says:

            I don’t know the situation in your country in regards to social benefits but North Wind has some great advise. I am on a Disability Pension. It’s not much but I neither smoke or drink and my diet is very simple, mainly vegetables and fruit and rice, (I have lost over 200lb in weight) so my expenses are few and I’m extremely good at budgeting. What I have left I put into my hobbies and Birthdays, Christmas and Mother’s Day etc are opportunities to speak out to my kids and siblings, “Please instead of buying some little thing I will probably will not use, could you pool your money and get me so and so which I will love forever” lol. They always do. Anyway I digress. Get your financial situation sorted, don’t be afraid to seek help from friends and family, false pride will not help you there and I pray and wish you so much good to happen in your life. You deserve it.

    • Debbie says:

      I can agree somewhat with you Felicia – society does indeed label, not just older, single women, but older women period! I have always considered myself bright, pretty, and the life of the party, but gradually over the years, all of that has changed for me. After devoting my life to husband,kids & work (which, by the way, I thought I was supposed to do), I find myself empty, depleted at 61 years old. I am fortunate that I am comfortably retired, healthy and have a great husband – but I feel lost without a social life. I, too have tried different avenues of meeting others my age who are retired. Climbing to the top in my career took 1st place in my life for most of my life, and when I got there, most everyone I worked with became jealous & the position I was in required me to supervise some of them. I lost friendships. The good news in all of this is that I have reconnected with a few & we have actually set a lunch date to visit with each other. Most of them still work. I am hoping I can show my true loving, kind, generous self at this lunch & maybe develop closer relationships. I have also decided to take a class for something I’m interested in and enjoy (not much interests me anymore) & not something I feel like I need to achieve. I am a high achiever and while that’s a good thing in the corporate world, I can’t seem to apply all the energy I have to something productive in my life today (praying that will come in time). I am past the anger and frustration of society’s treatment of me; I am searching for what I need to do to feel like a whole person in this stage of my life. This site has helped me to get my thoughts together & reading some of the comments has shown me that I am not alone in my journey.

      • Linda says:

        How do you complain when you have a husband….most of us “lonely
        women would kill to be in that position. Be incredibly GRATEFUL for what you have AND comfortably retired!! Seriously…

        • Rain says:

          Linda. There is an old saying, Jealousy is when you count someone else’s blessings, not your own. Truly, you do not walk in Debbie’s shoe’s, nor do you know anything about her journey. If you read between the lines of her post, you may have a different reaction. Why be so critical. Goodness, kindness costs nothing.

          • Debbie says:

            Thank you Rain! And you are so on point – we ALL have a different journey, with a different cross to bear – and I have learned that no matter how things may be perceived by others looking at the “outside”, there is ALWAYS more to the story on the “inside”. I have fought depression most of my life, due in part to the way I was raised and my life circumstances. My generation had parents who survived the Great Depression of the 40’s and WWII – they instilled in their children that to survive they must work, and work hard – there is no time to relax, enjoy life and be a happy camper. Most of the time I still feel this way and feel guilty when I’m not working at something. The 35 years I put into the corporate world was not enough – Raising 3 kids as a single parent who are professional, successful people was not enough – Babysitting my grandchildren everyday so my kids don’t have to pay for daycare is not enough!! It’s never enough! I realize what I’m doing and am trying to change how I see life. It’s okay to relax & do things I’ve always wanted to do – to take a look at who “Debbie” really is way down inside. My loneliness is teaching me many things – “this too shall pass.” Being able to express my feelings on this site has helped me tremendously & I apologize for my selfishness to those who don’t have (materially) what I have.

            • sherry says:

              do you and your husband like to dance, maybe do some lessons, think about what u used to love and see if you can pick some of that up. You sound like a beautiful person. Sherry

          • sherry says:

            Maybe she cheated because of reasons to. Women love to be treated like women lov to be treated like women. We are strong people. Maybe she had a reason? Not trying to be mean, but it takes two to make a marriage work. Look deep inside you to maybe went wrong in your marriage. Did you control too much maybe? Only you know. But you should try to figure out why she did this. See your part in this. I have a friend who is 53 years, a very hard worker. He is also an alcholic. His wife divorced him and he did agree to go to counseling. He told me the female counselor said “She wants to go out and eat sometimes, she wants to feel connected. But his thoughts were “I travel with my job and want to eat at home, I eat out three times a day all week. She eats at home all week until he comes home, she might want to go out and eat. He is a very nice person, but drinks too much on the weekends. It would have been a compromise, sometimes he may have enjoyed spending one on one with her too. I hope I am not being too mean, but it does take two to make a marriage work.

    • Yla says:

      Ahh, Felicia, I would say exactly what you wrote on your post. Would you like to be my penpal??

      For other reading this: A lady died in the neighbouring town and nobody knew it for weeks. And, when the neighbours have found out they vent inside and stole everything has value, and some of them read her private documents, and two young men were walking around with her bras on their hands – That is the humankind we have to live with!

      And, people who say that we must go out and find ‘friends': You are very shallow!

      • Rain says:

        No, that is a few of the humankind we live with Yla. We have over 12 billion people in the world, why take the actions of a few and attribute it to everyone. This is how bigotry comes about. It stems from this seeing only the negative and lumping them all in the same basket.
        Instead of looking for the negative, look for the positive and just maybe, you will find “friend” seeking you out.

    • Penny says:

      I truly understand what you are saying. I moved from the northeast to the southeast and boy have I been lonely. I have adult children here but now they have their own families. Besides I would like a friend my age.

      The people in the South can sometimes be friendly (before they hear your northern accent), but don’t expect a true friendship.

      I have always been an outgoing person and thought I would be that way here also. I have become a recluse and may not talk to anyone for a week. There have been times my throat was congested for not talking. I have volunteered, gone out alone, gone to religious singles outings. I go on trips and activities with the senior groups. Most of them are from up north, but have spouses or don’t like my kind. ok I will say it…I am African American and people are standoffish. So, I laugh and joke then go home. Alone

      • Penny says:

        What really confuses me is where did I go? At one time I was very friendly and the life of the party. You know like the tears of a clown nobody really knew what I was feeling. I could make anyone laugh. Kind of like Robin Williams I guess. But now I can’t even smile myself. Nothing seems funny anymore. sigh.

    • starbbycat says:

      My heart goes out to you, when you email and there is no response that is tough to take. I think it is important to keep reaching out. The other thing that is important is showing interest in others, at first conversation may be one sided but over time you will build a friendship at least I have done so by doing that.

    • Jennifer Russell says:

      Not bitter, dear, that IS what happens! Join a group, etc? I’ve wasted soooo much, spending time with others while they talk & laugh w/each other & you’re invisible. Join in, be friendly, they excuse themselves to go talk somewhere else. They can’t even remember your 1st name! Felicia, what you wrote is exactly the truth of what happens!
      We, especially women, really turn most invisible at age 50. I’ve been so ticked off about the whole thing, I no longer waste my time. I’m not hard to find, anyone wants friendship, THEY will have to do the “friendly.” I’m worn out playing whatever stupid game this is! I agree with you 100%!-NOBODY BLOODY CARES–so neither do I!

  16. Debbie says:

    I happened upon this site when I googled “retired depressed”. All I can say is wow! I had no idea there were so many others like me. I retired about a year ago & had friends at work who seemed to like me (we went to lunch together and after work cocktails), but since I’ve left, I find I don’t have much in common with them! I can’t stand being alone & tried a couple of part time jobs, but quickly found out that part-timers aren’t included in any “cliques” – lol. My husband works ALL the time and when he’s not, he’s usually on his computer or watching some sports channel & I’m in the other room on my ipad or watching a different tv program. I honestly don’t think I’ve EVER felt this alone in my life.

    • Janie says:

      Stumbled on site googling lonely 58 year old. I had a simular situation, retired at age 55, 3 1/2 years ago. 6 months after retiring my hubby suddenly died. We also spent alot of time in different rooms but he was still in the house. Now the house is completely empty except for my dogs. I feel my life no longer has any use & am so lonely that I can’t even believe my retirement years would be so empty. I have hobbies but they too are by myself, roller blading, bike riding, gardening, yard work, home repairs, shopping, etc. No one to go with & no one to talk to all day. Seems I don’t connect with anyone anymore. Not sure what else to try but I haven’t given up yet. Very Close, but not yet.

  17. DebC says:

    I happened upon this site when I googled “retired depressed”. All I can say is wow! I had no idea there were so many others like me. I retired about a year ago & had friends at work who seemed to like me (we went to lunch together and after work cocktails), but since I’ve left, I find I don’t have much in common with them! I can’t stand being alone & tried a couple of part time jobs, but quickly found out that part-timers aren’t included in any “cliques” – lol. My husband works ALL the time and when he’s not, he’s usually on his computer or watching some sports channel & I’m in the other room on my ipad or watching a different tv program. I honestly don’t think I’ve EVER felt this alone in my life. I’ve searched for some things I might be interested in and tried to volunteer (hated it because it was like working without getting paid), and have become MORE depressed doing these things. I feel as though I don’t matter to anyone & will never find my “passion”. I’ve read so many books & googled so many sites about how to pull myself up from this hole I’m in & it’s making me feel worse about myself. There is absolutely NOTHING I’m interested in doing – no hobby, no job, nothing. I do go to the gym 4 times a week just to say I’ve done something productive – I keep praying and waiting for God to open a door for me to maybe make a career change or something. I’m just so down.

    • Sherry says:

      I might be able to make you feel a little better. I came upon this site because I was googling I don’t want to die alone and I meant it literally as I was looking for ways out of life and someone to help me. I’m 51 years old and single. I’ve spent my life working paycheck to paycheck caring for special needs kids, they have been my life, it kept me from being lonely. You might want to look into it as they have a way of filling your heart. ;) I took a fall down some stairs in February and haven’t been able to work, walk and more, I can’t even take care of myself. I have no one except my 21 year old son who has a disability and is still in school, he needs me yet he is caring for me. Because he is blind it limits how much he can do for me. My last doctors visit he told me to get a lawyer and apply for disability, imagine that, get a lawyer, he has no clue. Lawyers cost money and I’ve heard it takes years to get approved and that’s if you get approved. I can’t survive for years. Our truck broke down months ago and because I don’t have a dime to my name, any credit or savings, or retirement, I can’t get it repaired. I can’t get to the medical appoints I need too and we struggle to even get groceries in. I’ve been researching ending it, suicide, the word no one wants to talk about. It shouldn’t be so difficult. You shouldn’t have to have your loved one come in and find a mess. There should be a place you could go, a place where they put you to sleep, no mess, harvest what they can of your organs for others and then let you go. I’m in physical and emotional pain every day, I serve no purpose anymore and I can’t care for myself and lately I have been having horrible nightmares, (being put on the street, etc.)and anxiety attacks because I know it takes money to live in the world and when it really comes down to it, you are alone as I have learned unless you have a spouse or family that can help you, you are on your own. Walk while you have legs, get out there and find something to take the lonely away and plan better than I did in the event you happen to find yourself in my wheel chiar. I never even gave it a thought, until I found myself here.

      • Fran says:

        I don’t think your post will make anyone feel better. Certainly didn’t make me feel better. And if I were in your position, I’d be having nightmares too.

        If can just tell us ONLY what city/state you live in, I can (more than likely) give you the phone numbers of agencies to call who will help you. (Unless you live in a town of 5000 or less people, giving us just the name of your city and state should not be dangerous at all. If someone on this thread disagrees, please say so. But I don’t know how a first name, a city and a state can be dangerous.)

        As for disability, it usually goes like this: you file and then you get turned down. You get a lawyer and file again and you get approved. It can take 12-24 months. I understand that you can’t afford a lawyer — but there is free help ‘out there’. What can happen is that a lawyer will file for you, with a contact that you will pay x percentage of your back disability when you obtain it. I’m not sure that is legal/ethical or not but I know, for a fact, that it happens. And there is legal aid offices also.

        Fran

      • Debbie says:

        Sherry – I suppose my problems (or issues) seem minute to someone such as yourself with the physical disabilities and struggles you have. My issues are emotional and have been for most of my life – I’ve tried many anti-depressants, anti-anxiety medications, and they help – but they also take away the “good” parts of me. I feel like ending my life everyday and struggle mentally and consciously to find good in my life. I am very sorry for you and the dilemma you’re in. I would certainly go to the disability office or welfare office to see what options I had to improve my standard of living, if I were in your shoes (or wheel chair). I am trying different avenues to fight my loneliness and this site is where I feel I can “unload” without causing those who love me the distress of having to listen to my shite. You’re purpose is to continue to support your child. I have many material things that you probably do not, but there is no one who depends on me – and I think that’s where my problem lies. I want to feel needed, like I used to -

        • sherry says:

          I wasn’t trying to make your problems minute, I was just trying to tell you I have been there and finding the special needs children filled the void for me, I am sorry if it came across otherwise. They filled my heart, I was never lonely because of them. All I was trying to say was you just have to find what will fill your heart, keep you busy. I’m sorry I posted here as what I was looking for was not here, I was looking for ways to avoid my son finding me or helping, not because I’m lonely. I’m sorry you are lonely and depressed, I hope you find something that changes it for you because life is short and you deserve to be happy while you are here. I’m not afraid of death, I don’t see anything wrong with ending it if you are mature and can no longer care for yourself financially and otherwise. In my search I have learned spouses that have helped their spouses have been charged with a crime and I find that so incredibly wrong. I can totally understand why someone in pain, unable to care for themselves would want out. I’m sorry if that seems cold but the alternative seems even colder to me. Death gets us all eventually, we can’t escape it but I am learning it is a subject not many want to talk about it. We have no problem putting animals to sleep in our society if they are ill and in pain but we can’t extend that kindness to humans. Something is really wrong with that. Once again, I am sorry If you felt I offended you, I did not mean too.

          • sherry says:

            I have a sister who killed herself 1 years ago. The horror this did to her family is unbelievable. Do not do that to your son, it will hurt him so bad. My problem is only financial, nothing like yours. I am going to pray a lot for you. You are a wonderful woman and your son needs you. Suicide is not easy for people, it really hurts them. LUV U> sherry

      • Poppy says:

        Sherry, I’m so sorry to read of your pain. No doubt it’s made worse by your physical challenges, and your money worries. I have a disability and I have been there myself – utilities cut off, a nearly empty refrigerator, a 15-year-old car and an old house that needs continuous maintenance. And I only have fur kids! But when you mentioned your son, that would seem to be a reason to stick around. If you are on Medicare, or have any kind of insurance, it usually covers counseling services for people who are in crisis. It has saved my emotional life and I hope you will check into it — you will get the support you need and feel much less alone. Many cities have a 211 line, which is run by United Way. You tell them what you need, and they refer you to hundreds of nonprofit, free social services in your area. Google “united way” and your town/city for more information. And lawyers who specialize in Social Security Disability cases don’t require money up front — they handle your case and then only get a fee if you are awarded benefits (they’re limited by law to $6000 max from your back benefits). Good luck, and please let us know how you’re doing.

        • Fran says:

          Poppie — great post. I learned things I didn’t know.

          We don’t have a 211 line. We have a 311 line, which is city-run and refers people to all kinds of government services. So if her city doesn’t have a 211 line, maybe there is a 311 line. And, if nothing else, I would call Catholic Charities or Jewish Services or contact a big Protestant church or Unity or Unitarian — they should have a list of places to call for assistance.

          I would think that the local Medicare offices or a Medicare counselor/psychologist would also have a list.

      • Lori says:

        Disability is easy if your doctor will document your problems. You don’t pay the lawyer. The lawyer is given 1/4th of the settlement per law… it goes directly to the lawyer from social security (which funds disability)and you get a check for the balance. It takes about 8-12 months if you let a disability lawyer handle it in the first place. Your amount will be the full monthly amount you would collect from social security if you waited until you are 66 and will be retroactive from the time you file. I just went thru getting disability and my only mistake was trying to handle it myself instead of getting a lawyer. The system is set up to cater to lawyer claims. You sound very down and I am sad for you and understand. Life is not easy. BUT, There should be services provided by your state and county that will help you with food, clothing, housekeeping, transportation to doctors, rent, and medical care. Volunteer clinics will provide super cheap bood tests, MRI’s, Xrays, and CT scans to further document problems, if necessary. Assisted living can be provided by medicaid if you cant take care of yourself at home. If you have a blind son then you don’t want him to be burdened or discouraged because life isn’t easy for him either. If you figure this out then he will know how to help himself when he gets older because things will not be easy for him either. Parents are always teachers even in the worst of circumstances.

      • DeJean says:

        Dear Sherry
        First I want to say that I am so sorry to hear about your troubles, both physical and financial. But choosing to end life is NEVER the solution girlfriend.
        I also became disabled as the result of a fall at work. At first I could’nt even walk due to such terrible back pain as a result of that fall. I have since had two back Surgeries, the last one being a fairly extensive back fusion.
        I am almost 60 yrs old now, alone, no longer work (due to that injury) and I have only one (true) friend, but I rarely see or spend time with her anymore. (Not sure why and not by my choice).
        At first felt exactly like you do, ( heck, I still feel that way a lot of
        the time!) I do understand., Sherry, I truly do and it IS very scary lonely and painful…BUT: There is help available. You need to apply first for your unemployment benifits and also for food stamps for you and your son (both disabled) you should have been receiving benifits long ago for him anyway due to his disability (blindness I think you said, right?) from social security. Also apply for your social security “disability” benifits. NOT SOCIAL SECURITY BUT SOCIAL SECURITY DISIBILITY INSURANCE,(SSDI). You should also apply for welfare while waiting for social security. FYI sometimes you can get it immediately and also ask them about housing (section 8) depending onyour state, which I don’t know. It could be called something other than section 8 there. Also get in the phone book or online and call your local “Aging and disibilty” ojffice who can help you a lot and steer you in right direction. They also do many things for disabled folks like cleaning, providing many services like auto repairing for you etc.
        I don’t know if you own or rent? But there are services that pay your morgage for you if you are disabled and if renting there is “free housing and/or low income housing. If you fell at work?? You should have a lawyer helping you with “workers comp” benifits I the first place. Was this a work injury? There isw SO MUCH HELP AVAILABLE FOR YOU that I can’t wvwn list it all here. I would love to talk to you on the phone or by email about all you have available to. You (if possible)? I hope some of my info helps you Sherry. Ps there is also agencies that provide transportation for disabled people to places like shopping, Dr appts etc. Contact aging and disability services for info on this. And/or your local welfare (adult and family services office) agencies.
        I am thinking of you and praying for you Sherry. Don’t give up you are still the SAME WONDERFUL WOMAN YOU HAVE ALWAYS BEEN!!! You just have a disability now that’s all and that DOES NOT CHANGE THE SPECIAL CARING WOMAN YOU STILL ARE!
        With love, your friend Dejean.

        • Fran says:

          One of the very best posts, if not the best post, I’ve read here. Thanks so much for being so caring and so full of good information. I wish you the very best.

          Fran

        • Sherry says:

          Thank you Dejean, but it’s not about me being loving and caring as I have been that all my life, It’s about pain, pain that makes you wake up screaming in the night. Pain the keeps you from being able to think, other than you just want it to end, you just want to be able to sleep. Pain has a way of sucking everything good out of a person. It’s exhausting. I should of never posted my feelings here as I don’t belong here. Thank you for your kindness and encouragement. I hope all of you that feel so lonely finds something or someone to feel your heart.

          • sherry says:

            Hey Sherry, my name is Sherry too. People might be getting us confused, do not commit to suicide. I’ve been thru that with my sister, and it really did a job on her boys. Im going to get a website for you, It’s pastor Steve Fullers site on “How to deal with unemployment” Get on that site, this morning he had a post on there of a Pastor Spurgeon, who died a long time ago. Pastor Spurgeon had gout, and was in years of pain. He had his prayer to God about his pain, and he was immediately healed. If you can’t find it, let me know. I don’t have pain, mine is financial, but I’m using that prayer for that. Let me know, the other Sherry

      • penny says:

        If it helps you don’t have to pay a lawyer up front when you are applying for SSA. Also, it is easier when you are over 50. I am on it and have been since I was 53. I was picked up within a year and I didn’t even have a lawyer.

        Understand how you feel I have been depressed and suicidal all of my life. I tried to do it the first time at 11 yrs. old. I have tried all kinds of medication, but have side effects so I have to tough it out on my own. I have to fight it everyday and it is taking a toll on me.

        I don’t want you to kill yourself. Suicide means loss of hope. I want you to have hope. Please apply for SSA to start.

        I am so glad I have you and the others to chat with. You are important to me. It also helps to know I am not alone in my struggle.

        Thanks everyone

      • Maryanne says:

        Praying for you Sherry. My heart aches for you… May the good Lord intervine and send you somebody. For you and your son. God bless hon and thank you for not attempting suicide. I trust tht will be honored. Keep the faith and know tht Jesus does Love YOU!!!!!! its not always in our time and although we feel tht we cant take anymore, God knows tht all things are possible to them tht believe, keep believing and dont give up dear one.

  18. Fran says:

    I’m not an expert on life and the human condition. But life is painful (most of the time), and once we accept that, we’re way ahead of the game. //// I love a saying that is attributed to The Buddha: “Life is painful. Suffering is optional.” I know we’d all like to have a close friend and/or a loving, kind spouse. But why are we going to allow the lack of one to ruin our lives? //// I just heard something the other day which I love: “What needs to be birthed through you for your sake and the sake of the world?” Just think about it. And, also, why are we so focused on what we don’t have and nor muxh more focused, with gratitude, on what we do have? I KNOW it’s painful — a lot of the time — to be alone, a lot of the time. I’m not Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm nor am I stupid. But “life is a banquet” — why do we insist on starving ourselves because we are alone?

  19. Mark says:

    WOW some amazing & heart-touching posts. I too am alone & nearly totally isolated but at 50 not 60. I have MS & other medical problems that I developed in my 40s non contagious, have always tried to be a good person, never even did an illegal drug not that I judge anyone who has since I don’t but I got sick was in a relationship nearly two decades then dumped while very ill Christmas 2012. Here it is nearly autumn 2014 & I’m totally alone but I don’t like it. I have no car or way to get to public transportation either. I use a walker yet oddly I look 28 years old which is genetic in my family but am 50 bio years.

    I have no clue what to do so if anyone has a suggestion I’d appreciate it. My thoughts and prayers are with all of you who are lonely, isolated or depressed. You are all valuable people very worthwhile.

    Mark,

    • Poppy says:

      Hello Mark: I’m in my early 50s and have MS as well. I totally relate to your challenges–it is incredibly difficult to get out when you experience muscle weakness and other major mobility issues! I was just talking to my therapist over Skype about this last week–speaking to her from a comfy chair at home has saved my sanity and helped me feel less alone. Maybe there’s a therapist in your community who could “meet” with you this way? I don’t know if your insurance will pay for a motorized device (I have a scooter that breaks down to fit into a car trunk) but swallowing my pride to ride the thing was the best move I ever made–you conserve energy, and you can go places when you feel up to it, and with people as well, if they’re kind and will help you! I know that’s not always a given, but you’d be surprised–practice asking. I’m also reading How to Be Sick by Toni Berhard, which has helped me re-frame the experience of “loneliness.” It’s a fantastic book. Maybe your library has it in audiobook format, so you can rest and “read.” That’s how I roll now :)

    • Terri Lynn Merritts says:

      Deb, it sounds like you have a more serious problem than loneliness. What you are describing is clinical depression. You might want to consider seeing a doctor to start you on anti-depressants. They can make a lot of difference. Good luck.

    • Terri Lynn Merritts says:

      Mark, what state do you live in? If you lived near us, we’d be glad to help you with transport and meeting people. MS is hard but you deserve not to be abandoned.

      • Jon says:

        Mark I want to reinforce what Terri Lynn said. If you lived near me I’d be glad to help if I could. If we can reach out to each other with our kind words we can also take the next step and physically be there for one another. I have my own disability but I drive and even have access to a wheelchair accessible van. Now how do we connect all these wonderful people to each other? I guess that’s what each community is supposed to help its residents to do. But some of us fall through the cracks. Best of luck to you and everyone on here, there is so much pain out there but there is just enough good and kindness to make the struggle worth while and even beautiful.

    • DeJean says:

      Mark please see my post to Sherry, there is lots of help available for you. Aging and disability services can hook you up with (right from and to your door) transportation services. :-) ps you sound like a nice, caring, and honest decent man! Having ms does not change the “good man” you are and if someone left you because you got ill? Then that’s their loss. Plus it shows that person was and IS not worthy of you in the first place.
      By the way a friend of mine also has ms and I have been seeing/reading that there is now new medical treatments and(new drugs) available that can really help and in some cases cure it. It seems to me I ewad that it can cure some people depending upon how long they have had it. Sadly for my friend she is one it cannot help but perhaps it can help you? You may already know about it, and I”m sure you know a LOT MORE than I do about the subject on ms.
      I wish you all the luck in the world and I will pray for a cure for you and that we do find a 100% cure for this disease.
      With love and prayers for you my friend, Dejean

  20. dee says:

    Hi
    thank you all for all your comments it feels good sometimes that you can write down your inner feelings and some people out there feel the same and take the time to read all the mails that’s been written.
    I know what people are saying that sometimes it is good to be alone but we don’t want it 24/7 I like to read and just took up drawing well trying ha ha but I enjoy it but at the same time it would be nice to have a friend that you know is there for you all the time when you need one, maybe it will never happen and we just have to learn to cope with the situation that we are in.
    Denise I live in the midlands you are lucky that you have friends that you can meet up with.
    and Fran I will look for the book that you are speaking about and will read it thank you all for your comments it would be nice if we all lived local we could all meet up and make friends lol
    wish all of you all the best
    Dee

  21. LARA says:

    What a great site..I too am over 60 and meeting and find new friends is difficult..I have married friends but being as I am single I have way too much time on my hands. Most people already have their friends. Having someone to go to a movie or shopping or a trip with is what I miss..I have a lot of activities I do alone like jog (5Ks and half marathons) but everybody seems to come in groups to the race and there really are not too many in my age bracket out there..Help….I have joined church groups, volunteered, and no luck…Don’t care if I date(if it happens it happens) looking for friends who like to do be active..

  22. Rain says:

    Wouldn’t it be wonderful if there were people on here who lived in close proximity who could get together in the physical as well as virtual world? I don’t know where everyone is but I think I might be the only one from Australia. Even when you have the fullest life, and I do, and I am pretty happy, I think having someone to share your life with someone no amount of activity can replace. That, for me, would be the icing on the cake.

  23. Lize says:

    Wow..And here I thought I am the only one feeling fustrated and alone. I will be 60 t

  24. NEN says:

    Not everyone wants to live alone but EVERYONE dies alone.

  25. Tim says:

    Hi! I got on this site just looking for someone to talk to and started to read all of your posts. Great to know that I’m not alone but of all the posts I’ve read not one of you said anything about Love. I’ve been alone for the last 14 years and admit it’s not easy but I got use to it. The hardest thing I have trouble with is I want so badly to be Loved by another woman and to Love them back just as much if not more. But I’m starting to lose hope with every passing year. And they are really flying by any more. Don’t want to go on writing and boring you but words of hope would be very welcome.

    • Fran says:

      And I think all of us would like to love and be loved by — the right person.

      Certainly it’s not over until it’s over.

      It might be good if you focused on all the good things you have rather than the things you don’t have.

      A big plus: men are FAR more likely to hook up again, as the years go by, than women are. The odds of you dying a married man is FAR greater than any of us women dying as a married woman. :-)

      I gotta tell ya — my first ex was pretty bad. He wasn’t good looking (to say the least), he didn’t have any money (I gave him the house — I just gave it to him), he wasn’t very bright, and, more than anything, he wasn’t a very nice person. Within two years of our divorce, he met a woman at his Arthur Murray dance classes. They’ve been together 23 years. She’s not a looker either, and she’s not very bright, but she is extremely nice. I just have never understood at all. So, all I’m sayin’ is: since few men are as bad as my ex — I’m sure you will do just fine. Just don’t try too hard.

    • El says:

      I’ve was married to my husband for 10 years, we divorced, then back together for the last four years. I am a professional woman, make a nice living, am pretty, physically attractive, interesting and we’ll read, yet after our divorce ( he cheated 2 times, thank you Facebook and old school sweethearts) I took him back so I wouldn’t be alone. He is boring, grumpy, is uncomfortable having fun, doesn’t want to do anything except watch tv and play games on his computer, but and yet, I am still with him because the prospect of starting all over ( yikes, dating? New sex with a new person!) scares me to death. On the flip side of the coin, at 62 years old, I finally realized that I am mortal and at best have about 8 years left without being crotchety, to go out, have fun, laugh, dance, get goosebumps again.

      My point being, getting old is awful, tick tock, and it’s over. But what does someone like me, a scaredy cat , even begin to get in my life all the things I want before I die, which is to just be with a fun compassionate man, who is kind, and wants to live a little fuller before he can’t.

    • Rain says:

      I am 63 yrs, female from Australia. After being on my own and lonely for 25 yrs after my divorce I decided a year or two ago that I needed to live. I went and bought a motor bike, enrolled in learn to ride classes, and joined a local motorcycle enthusiastic group for over 50’s and my life began.I became a “biker” LOL. I am riding with a great bunch of people every weekend, camping out overnight or longer, with my group or with other friends. This has become a passion,and something I do constantly, often taking my dog with me. I joined a group that goes to clubs to see tribute bands every Friday and Saturday night, I love music and I have to say I am loving life. Just need someone to share that with now and with my social calendar now, I’m sure Mr Right will come along. In the meantime I am having a ball and seriously, you need to get out and life. Take a chance, take a risk, do something you’ve never done before. It can change your life. Honestly what do you have to loose?

    • Glenda says:

      Hi Tim,
      You are certainly not alone. There are many of us out here and some of us are even married. I love my husband but he seems to have
      no time for me. He is very introverted and lives in his own world most of the time. I just so miss having someone to talk to. I was married 27 yrs to my high school sweetheart but he left me for someone he met on the internet 15 yrs ago. I was single for 10 yrs and now have been married 7 yrs. My X-husband was recently killed in a vehicle wreck and I really need someone to talk to about my feelings. Thanks for listening and I wish you the best.

      • Fran says:

        Omg, I am so sorry, Glenda. That must be a real shock. I hope you find someone to talk to. I suggest a therapist, but it’s hard to find a good one. Maybe a grief counselor?

    • susan says:

      I don’t know how I found this site, but I do know why. Alone is many things – good and I won’t say ‘bad’ but I will say, at times, profoundly sad.

      I lost my husband 8 1/2 years ago. He was 52 and was my best friend. For a long time, I grieved. Somehow, I got stuck in work and grief and other family care needs and boom, there I was driving back from an appointment one day realizing how alone I really was.

      I have dogs and cats and friends and church when I go…but the void of not having a companion…someone waiting at home or just caring if I even made it to my home struck me and shook me up.

      So – alone kind of sucks as I began to wonder if I’d make dinner again for someone as part of a routine – not a special occasion or just sit and talk about the shady spots of my garden or why the dogs shed so much or just life stuff that ends in saying ‘good night’ to someone.

      As my late husband was bed bound for over 2 years, we still ate dinner together every night, watched the news and talked about our son. He told me that he wasn’t worried about where he was going, but that he worried about where I would go after he was gone.

      Now I know what he meant.

      Trying to fix it a bit. Writing here might be a first step.

      • Irene says:

        Hi Susan,

        What a young age for your husband to die at. I’m so sorry.

        There is no magic way to get connected but getting in touch with your desire to reconnect is a big first step.

        You write so beautifully so I hope that your writing here and elsewhere helps you take the next steps.

        My best, Irene

        • susan says:

          Sherry,

          You have to break all of these terrible problems down. One thing at a time.

          1. You are on this site and there are people who give a rip about others so keep writing. It will help. It’s no miracle cure, but it helps.
          2. You don’t need a lawyer. I am proof of this. I found out how to help a family member. Go on line and research companies that hire former social security agents that now help others successfully file. I did this. It worked. I had a massive amount of paperwork to prepare, but I did a little day by day and made a mission to do this. It took about 2 months. I crossed very ‘T’ and dotted every ‘I’ and when it was done – I handed it over through an appointment at SS. If you can’t go – send it CERTIFIED and make them SIGN for it. Their 800 number will give you that address.

          This ‘firm’/ agent charged me $90. He told me what to do and guided me in a few follow up emails. These groups are out there and this is what they do. Research a good one. YOU CAN DO THIS! It’s a system and a broken one but it can be overcome. One step/one day at a time.

          The hell with that suicide crap. You are important and you matter!!!! Get to work on this. Each milestone will push you along. I promise.

          The loneliness is sometimes daunting. I am having a very bad spell as I write this, but I decided to do something for someone and so here I am, again, doing something…anything…besides crying.

          YOU MATTER!!!!!! Don’t give up!!!!! Life is a gift…even when it sucks!

          Susan

    • Mete says:

      I am lonely too since 12 years ago and I tried to fall in love again but I failed, many many times I lost hope but I still waiting for a hope spark lead me to the love and killing my lonely,
      I am sure you got many love sparks during these years but the problem that how you caught it and don’t let it gone.

    • Wessen says:

      Hi everyone I looking for something when I found this site I read most of the posts. I have two points, the first one about friendship : as I see it’s not difficult to make friends but the difficult how let the friendship continuous and that depends on many things but I can’t say it because the factors I talk about it different of the other area, because each area with their people have their culture & their traditions.
      The second point is about love, yes I am agree with you love is important in our life when we lost the love we feel lonely. Then how we feel if we are basically alone? That’s my problem too but also it depend on ourselves, about me; I need to love & beloved as much as I can tell but I am afraid of broken heart and that because I fell in love when I was 30 and I did everything more that you can imagine to protect my love but my partner disappointed me, he had wake and can’t protect me & protect our love and that destroy everything. Since that time I understood the real love give the strong in spite of you have strong character or not therefore I am afraid to fall in love again because I know myself very well when I love everything become possible to me and I fight for it but I am not sure from the other side, does he love me like how I love?
      So, most of our fail & problems came from what we lived that we can’t passed and defiantly we need help to make confidence back.
      First search with yourself Tim and find the problem why till now? and try to be strong to pass it then I am sure you will find your love very near to you.

    • Kathy says:

      Hi Tim,
      I am married but not loved which is sad because like you said time is just flying by! I have so much love to give and try but it dosent work because i get nothing in return. Some morning are very hard to get up because i have someone BUT yet I dont. I feel very alone lets hope one day soon things turn around at least for you Tim. For me after 29 yrs. i dont think it will but i guess i can hope and you can hope too because really thats all we have left!!

      • Leyan says:

        You have got to be kidding use the goose between your legs u can
        Get all the men you want u will be showered with gifts and will wake up smiling for a new day of adventure

  26. Dee says:

    Hello

    I am from the uk and I have yet to find somewhere on the internet like this for people in the uk.
    I am 64 but not an aged 64 if you know what I mean, people think that I am a lot younger, and I feel a lot younger.
    I am also lonely, I lost my husband 7 years ago with an aneurism which was sudden we went everywhere together done everything together we were soul mates and partners we had been together from me being 17 and he 19 we had various friends who also were partners but when he passed away they dwindled and now I don’t see any of them.
    I finished work when I was 61 and find it very lonely.
    My daughter only lives next door but very rarely do I see her only when she wants something she doesn’t come to visit and sit and have a chat and a coffee she is too busy with her own life.
    I have tried going on trips etc with the aged but I feel like I don’t fit in as they are old old and not very active etc where I am the opposite, I also suffer with anxiety and panic attacks and find it difficult to socialise etc and when I do people tend to ignore me and carry on with there conversation,
    I don’t know if it is because I am quiet or what but I think have they heard me? And tend not to repeat myself because they are already carrying on the conversation.

    I have walked up the street with my daughter and feel invisible neighbours and even relations that we walk by in the street have walked by and said hello mandy to my daughter and not even acknowledged me which is very hurtful my daughter just laughs it off but doesn’t realise how hurtful this is.

    I have said a few times to people am I invisible and then they will say oh sorry “hello dee”
    and as the saying goes you can be in a room full of people and still feel alone which is so true.
    I would love someone that could share outings with not seeking a partner just a friend to share life with that would be concerned for you and understand how you feel etc
    I don’t know if that will ever happen I don’t go out really for it to.
    I have a sister but she is 76 and not fit now to be walking about etc
    but you don’t realise that there is people out there in the same situation.

    I tried this meet.com but felt out of place as most of the people were not in my age group they were too young so I have not found a happy medium yet.
    just thought I would write to say that its nice to have a website that can let people vent there emotions and I know what its like to feel lonely too :(

    • Fran says:

      I am so sorry you lost your husband — and so young too.

      Please know that there is nothing wrong with you. As you read these posts, I’m sure you’ll find that out. We all are good women (and men) here.

      I do understand loneliness. I’m certainly not immune to it. But an introvert, and I think that makes it easier for me to be basically alone.

      However, loneliness is just the other side of solitude. And solitude can be a great gift, if we choose to see it as a gift and to utilize it. A lot of people would give anything to have more ‘alone time’. We just have a little too much of it! :-)

      Anyway, there is a great saying attributed to The Buddha: Pain is what comes simply because we are alive. Suffering is optional.” I know that when I don’t indulge in my feelings of loneliness and do something productive, even if it’s just listen to music while I clean house, I feel very good.

      Loneliness is painful. But we suffer from loneliness when we don’t accept it. I’m not suggesting we all lie down and die without friends. But I do know that when we’re engaged in doing things that we love to do, we tend to forget that we’re lonely.

      I’ve mentioned this book before — I don’t know the author and I certainly don’t get any money for plugging his book — but there is a book entitled “Celebrating Time Alone” by Lionel Fisher. It’s very good. It’s not a serendipity book. It shows both sides — those who like being alone and those who don’t. When I start to feel there is something wrong with me because I don’t have a lot of friends (actually, no real friends), I pick up the book and start to read it again. It has helped me a great deal.

      I wish you well.

      Fran

      • Prabir Neogi says:

        I am 62yrs old husband and I have wife 58yrs old and I have two children staying outside my home. We have married for 32yrs but still we have difference of opinion in every aspect of our life. I am felling lonely in my house. I like someone share our experiences our life who must be honest and trustworthy.
        If you interested pl reply.
        thanks
        prabir

      • Jul says:

        Thank you for your comments…I think you read my mind. I’m tired of feeling like there is something wrong with me because I like my own company. If I could be around other people my age and not have them try to convince me to go to a singles or religious function, it wouldn’t feel so threatening being out and about. Those are wonderful ways for some people to meet but it is not for everyone.

      • Violetta says:

        Is the book by Lionel Fisher the only book you are referring to? I would like to learn how to be alone and be the best at it I can be. Though, I’d dearly love to have some good like-minded friends to get together with and enjoy good times and feel enriched by having and sharing with friends.

        It is hard to be alone, fighting illness and depression, too. I feel like I am a nice person but somehow rejected by others…

        Anything anyone has to offer in the way of resources or suggestions is most welcome!
        Thank you for reading my note today. : )))

        oh, I don’t know how to blog, is there a place to get info/instructions that are user friendly?

      • Fran says:

        Yes, Violetta, that is the book. I just love it. But it doesn’t tell you how to be comfortable being alone. He does interview people who are comfortable being alone and even those who are not comfortable being alone. When I start to feel that there is something ‘wrong’ with me because I’m alone, I read the book. It gives me a lot of comfort when I start feeling a little anxious about being alone and growing old alone.

    • Denise says:

      Hello
      I’m from the U.K too and totally agree with everything Dee says. It is so hard to find and make new friends when you are older. Most websites etc seem geared towards dating rather than friendship. My partner and I split up 5 years ago after 25 years. I have three children who are grown up and living their own lives-which is as it should be- though they do try to have time for me. My friends all have partners or families and being quite lacking in self confidence I find it hard to join groups-I tried Meetup too but it wasn’t what I had hoped. I think Fran is right about writing things down that you enjoy and then try to get out and do them. I do yoga zumba and an art class, all of which I go to alone. It took a lot to walk in but was glad I did. I still have a long way to go but am trying so hard to come to terms with being on my own. Hopefully I will make new friends and have a fun life again. After all its hope that keeps us all going and we should never give up.

      • Fran says:

        Hi, Denise — After all these years of being basically alone, it no longer bothers me to walk into a meeting, class, etc., alone. But what still bothers me — and I find it rather humorous — I still find it difficult to walk into a restaurant alone and to eat alone at a table. I take a book or a thick magazine, and I read while I eat, and I avoid looking around. :-) It doesn’t bother me enough to keep me from eating in a restaurant (I don’t do it very much anyway), but — I still feel funny — until I’m at my table and have my eyes in my reading material. I also find Christmas difficult. Even though I know that about 30% of people in The US (and The UK) spend Christmas holidays alone and even though I know that a lot of the other 70% probably WISH they were spending the holidays alone — LOL — Christmas is THE WORST for me. Starts right before Thanksgiving and ends January 2. I do remember when I spent the holidays with my parents and/or my ex’s parents and our siblings, and all I wanted was for it TO BE OVER so that I could go home with my kids — Christmas still gets to me. So while I’m pretty much fine being alone (most of the time — not all), restaurants and Christmas alone are two things I haven’t ever gotten used to. //// I’m sorry you and your partner split up after all those years. Yes, at 5 years, you’re still getting used to being alone. And it may take yet another 3-5 years. I married 4 years after my first divorce, mainly because I was so lonely. That marriage lasted 3 years — and it was a BIG mistake. Then it took me 5 more years to get used to being on my own, but it wasn’t nearly as bad as the first go-round at being single and alone. It’s 15 years now since my last divorce. I am fairly content. //// I just moved recently — I tend to get a bit depressed every time I move. I’m glad I found this place. You all remind me that — we’re not alone. :-)

    • Jas says:

      Hi Dee,
      Where about in the UK do you live? I am over 60, look and feel younger and can identify with what you say. However, I have lived on my own for years – never married, so very unlike you in that way. I have several friends who live alone but we all agree to check in on each other as this is increasingly important with age, no matter how fit we are or how well we feel. Perhaps this would be an idea for you to try with existing friends. I’m happy with my own company so I don’t need to physically see them regularly but we keep in touch by phone, email, texting and Skype for the personal one to one. Once a month or so I meet up individually or sometimes with more than one of these friends. It’s so important that women support each other at this time of life. Let us know how you’re doing.
      Jas.

  27. Deborah says:

    I’m 60 and have Social Anxiety. I stopped working 17 years ago but it’s only been in the last few years I’ve become so lonely. My husband still works and he enjoys it so I don’t see him retiring any time soon, he’s 62. I lived in Maine for 5 years after leaving a horrible 20 year abusive marriage. I had a friend in Maine and met my present husband so I was having the time of my life. A friend and a new man, it was a good five year span. I married in 2006 and life was good until a couple of years ago. I don’t have communication with two of my sons except occasionally. My youngest son has recently moved in with a girl, so I don’t have him to chat with anymore. My depression has just increased ten fold since he left but my husband is happy he’s gone and not living with us anymore. My husband gets home from work and we eat dinner and then we both get on our computers and hardley speak while watching TV too. Then we go to bed. Wake up next day and the same thing over and over again. I have a hard time getting out and making friends, joining a group, volunteering or getting a part time job due to my depression and anxieties. I feel as if I’m dying now, no life, nothing to look forward to. I am on antidepressent and have begun to see a therapist but I don’t have much hope. I have not gone to church in quite a while due to the same social problems I have. I’m really at the end of my rope. Facebook makes me feel even lonlier. People click LIKE, but make no comments and it’s just a miserable existence. Please anybody HELP ME!

    • KarenB says:

      Deborah: Make certain that you are on the right medication; see your therapist, but most important – talk to yourself. Only you can truly bring yourself totally out of depression. I know, I fight it too and I am not married. Try talking to your husband and explain what you are feeling. Ask for his help, or better yet, take a walk with him around the block; reach out and hold his hand. Your therapist will most likely tell you much of the same thing. You have to make yourself happy. No one can do that for you. And don’t be shy with all of us. We don’t bite!

      KarenB

      • Amzlo says:

        It isn’t that easy Karen, although I am not depressed. I often wonder if I am. My partner sits there all day on his mobile, that’s all he cares about, he is completely silent throughout the day, if I say something he just says WHAT, i’m on the verge of booting him out,might as well cos there is no conversation whatsoever between us, so I am too fed up with it, and feel like i’m lonely.

        • Fran says:

          Your partner is speaking to you all right, Amzlo. He’s saying a lot. He’s just not using words.

          I’m not suggesting that you break up the relationship. But if he’s not willing to get help and to work on the relationship — you may not have a choice. Who wants to be in a relationship with a person who will not talk to us.

  28. joan says:

    hi everyone! –i too was reading thought the messages on this site and

    suddenly realized we are having what my mother would have called her
    afternoon coffee meeting–when i was a young child my mother would get
    me into whatever attire suited the weather and off we would go to a
    neighbors house for her to have a ‘fast coffee’ and a chat with some of
    the other neighbor ladies–i would sit in a corner of the kitchen with a
    toy mother had brought–sometimes i would be given a cookie or a glass of
    milk–to day we sit at this machine and chat on line–although there are
    still other women to chat with it does not have the same feeling as interacting with a person face to face–it is nice to discuss a movie i
    have seen with some else but it is not the same as going to the movies
    with someone–it is interesting how plugged in we all are–how connected
    to the world–but we do not know the lady down the street–i do not ever
    remember my mother or any of her coffee buddies saying they where lonely
    or had no one to go to the movies with–if mother was ill all the ladies
    brought over food so my father and i could eat and mother could rest–
    they helped take care of each others kids–planned birthday parties for
    us–they where just housewives and mothers–but their social life was
    full–they each new that if needed someone would be there for them–even
    when we moved away from my childhood street my mother and her coffee friends stayed in touch for the rest of my mothers life–if a husband passed on or grandchild was seriously ill one of the group would come and of course bring food–nothing tastes quite like a tuna surprise that
    has been carried on a bus for 6 hours–the soggy slightly smelly mess had so much love mixed into it it tasted fabulous–as a young wife i
    wanted to carry on this tradition of life long friendships that are bonded by all the little things that make up the business of everyday
    life–i wanted to but i did not–work and other demands on my time took
    away the luxury of a free hour every afternoon to spend with the women
    in my neighborhood–now as a 60ish woman i no longer work–so work friends have gone–i have moved and my new neighbors do not respond when
    i say ‘hello’–i shop alone and watch movies on demand on tv because i
    do not like to be out alone at night–i chat on line with all of you
    ladies and i am not so lonely–for all the good things modern life brings there is a loss of connection-community-a feeling of belonging
    –maybe this the reality–we now have only virtual relationships–face
    to face chats happen on skyp instead of over a cup of coffee–i can be
    in my pjs at home and have a lovely chat with someone in,well,any where
    in the world–i am not sure how i feel about it all–what about you?

  29. CHYANNERAINE says:

    I was just going back trying to delete some of my old mail and came across this site….I am ” still” trying to find friendships, but it really is my own fault. When I retired a few years ago, I wasn’t use to being alone like this…and it became overwhelming, and depressing, not having people around me every day for 8 hours in a day…know what I mean? Now, I don’t klnow where to go, or what to do, but I can admit, I am ” dying” of lonliness……..was thinking about church, but I am a bit shy and don’t wan’t to go alone….sigh* how did I get here?? When I worked all those years, I was the one everyone wanted to be around..I am bright and funny! I make people feel good about themselves…etc…I just don’t get how I am in this position now…would love to meet all you ladies and gents and just have a giant get together for support……I live in Florida …

    Deb

    • Greta says:

      Hi Deb,
      I hear you about the lonliness. I stopped working about 3 years ago and I too once had many friends and still do but they are either still working or takijng care of a sick parent or ill themselves. I am engaged to a nice man who is a year younger than me but he is a workaholic and we don’t live together so we mostly see each other on saturdays and part of Sunday which leaves me alone most of the time. I love to read and do watch some tv as well as spend a little time on facebook but that makes me lonely too. I have anxiety too and do not participate much in community life. I have one son but he is 26 going on 16. always working or with friends, not much time for dear ole mama. I wish I knew the answer to finding friends at 60. I feel invisible often and wish I could just have someone come over for coffee and a chat. That would help so much. Gee,I wish it was easy like it is when you are young. I’ve enjoyed reading the posts here. That helps me to not feel quite so alone. Greta

  30. Sunny says:

    This is a good blog. All my life I wanted to have more time to read and do what I like (watch movies, eat candies in a row, travel and do some praying on my own). This happiness came to me when my children married and went away, I am sooooooooooooooooo happy (I was already divorced and raised my kids alone – their father lives in a beach nearby and is no bother) – we do not have to have lots of people around us, there is something wrong with that. You have friends that like movies, take them to movies, ones that like to eat, go with them to all types of restaurants, same with music, but nothing beats being by yourself doing what you love to do by yourself. It is such a wonderful freedom! Thank you my God! I am happy, happy, happy….

  31. Buster S says:

    There are many friends among us living beings and if for
    some reasons there exactly moving along with you in life
    as you are and NO signs going wrong then chances are
    these friends will be around FOREVER! But put in yourself
    first before your seek to find FRIENDSHIP some place else
    Remember be friendly to yourself and friendship will follow!

  32. leanne says:

    I am taking heart in the fact that others are experiencing the same thing I am. My son will be a senior in high school and spends more and more time with him friends, girlfriend, etc. I have tried to reach out to a number of women I interact with to take it from “friendlies” I know – to being and having a good close friend. I am married but my husband is a workaholic….seriously. I am losing my joy of living…have lots to do and occupy me but I would really like a girlfriend I can share a laugh with and do things with.

    I think it is the fact that everybody is plugged in all the time and don’t really have the time or inclination it takes to be a friend or have one for that matter.

    Lonely….but hopeful.

  33. Joni says:

    Hi everyone, it is a bit of a comfort to know so many other people feel the same way as i do myself. I have a few friends but we seem to have less and less time together and socially I rarely have anyone to go out with. I raised my family alone since my husband disappeared 17 years ago and while they were growing up I had no social life as I couldn’t afford to go out or pay a sitter. Now the youngest is off to university and I will be alone in an empty house, and worse of all, all my original family have passed away so apart from the children who have all left home now, I have no other family on earth. As the past 20 years have been spent raising my boys and looking after aged relatives, now I’m not needed by anyone. At work I am friendly and have many acquaintances but they are not interested in seeing me outside of work as they are mostly younger than me and like getting drunk and dancing. At 53 I am not interested in that. Being a single parent was heartbreakingly lonely at times but as I’m getting older it’s beginning to feel even worse. I have no-one to go on holiday with this year, so either I go somewhere by myself or I don’t have a holiday. And when you go places on your own, people look at you funny and think there’s something wrong with you, ‘Johnny-no-mates’. I have no problem talking to a wide variety of people, but it never extends beyond the superficial. People say I’m funny and outgoing but I’m the loneliest person you ever met. I don’t know how to live in this world with out my family.

    • Fran says:

      This was written by “Kim” on 6/15. I printed it out and put in on my computer desk:

      This is the thing. When you get to this age you appreciate the value of your own time. If you have a lively intellect and plenty of interest in the world, you want like company. But it is rare! Mostly, people want you to supply them with something. There is an underlying theme: if you are interested in ‘outside’ things, you must have capacity to spare. This is a problem especially if you are a logical and polite person, and listen to people in the hope that they will reciprocate. Therefore, you have to: listen to their monologues, which are often repeated; sympathize; show interest in their children; be unfailingly approving; keep what original thing you might have to say as short and simple as possible, so that the conversation can return to the ‘real’ topics. It is a dumbing down, which has been brought about by the cult of the individual, the ‘me’ culture, and is exemplified in the media, which is a substitute for life.

      With that said: If you are an introvert, making friends may be a little harder but, on the other hand, being alone should be a little easier. If you’re an extrovert — well, life can be rougher when we are alone. I’m an introvert so I don’t find being alone very rough most of the time. But neither am I unsympathetic to al of us who are having a hard time making friends in our older age.

      Your post is not clear: are you alone now or will you be alone soon, when school starts up again?

      Do you have some volunteer organization you are interested in volunteering for? Of course, if you’re still working, volunteering is going to be hard. But you MUST do something — to get you out of the house — besides working.

      Give yourself some time to recover, once your last child has left the home. And while you are recovering, make a list of things you are interested in. (I divorced my husband as my last child was leaving home, and, within a few months, I was a Hospice volunteer and a volunteer for a homeless organization — and I did both for 17 more years. While I went back to college PT.) After my last child left home and I left my husband — there were SO many things I didn’t know about myself because for the previous 20+ years of my life had been all about my husband my children.

      If you’re not attending a church — go to church. A great way to make friends. If you are not a believer, Unity and Unitarian churches are good churches to attend. If you are a believer, attend the church of your choice. I’m not a believer and I will be moving out of state within the next 10 months, but when I hit my new home, I will be attending a church.

      You might get a cat? I’ve had my cat for 6 years now, and I don’t know what I did without her before she came into my life. She’s been a great companion.

      Make a list of all the things you like to do and want to do (and can afford to do), and then start doing them. For instance, I knew I liked to write and also photography, so I belong to a writing group and once I move to my new home, I’m taking up photography too. Oh, and I JUST started a new volunteer organization, which is one morning a week. I said I’d never volunteer again — but I am. :-)

      And in the meantime, in the first few months or first year of being home alone — please try to relax. There is nothing ‘wrong’ with being alone. We live in a society (here in The US) which praises independence and hardly fosters interdependence. Makes it difficult to make friends. It’s just the way things are here.

      Also, if you can afford it and/or have medical insurance, you might consider a year or more of therapy. The only problem is that finding a good therapist can be very difficult and could take a while (you need to ‘interview’ a few therapists before deciding on one).

      There is nothing worse (after the first few months of being alone for the first time) than just sitting in the house, ruminating about how all alone we are.

      DO find an exercise class you can attend after work or on weekends — or both. Exercise is a great antidote for depression.

      Sorry — I didn’t mean to write a book.

      An I still alone? Yes. For the most part. But I’ve achieved a good balance of being out of the house (I’m retired) and doing worthwhile things AND having alone time (I am an introvert). My life is not bad. Yes, of course, I’d like to have a close friend or two — but, well, that just hasn’t happened yet — and, at my age of 65, may never happen. I still am enjoying my life and being alive. Truly.

      I wish you the best.

    • Fran says:

      PS: My first year of being alone was VERY difficult. I HATED coming home to an empty apartment. I was so very lonely. Every day I used to stop off, after work, at a coffee shop. It was great. I made friends — and we actually did things together on weekends (not every weekend, but every so often). THEN it HIT me, after about 9 months: these people — men and women — my age and older — had been doing this for over 5 years: they had been sitting at this coffee shop for over 5 years! And, basically, that’s all they did. I suddenly knew I didn’t want to throw my life away. I was still working, but I went back to college (took one class) AND I started volunteering. Best things I ever did for myself, as a single person.

      • Betty says:

        I went through a very similar situation recently. I belonged to a gym and went to an over 55 gym class three times a week. After each class we went for coffee. At first it was nice, but after a while I thought my world was starting to revolve around the coffee shop and this small group of women. I have since taken up power walking with a more diverse group of people and will enter my first race on July 27th. And I have pretty much stopped going to the coffee shop!

  34. Fran has a very valid point I think when she says that she would rather be alone than be friends with just anyone. I had a friend who was a single woman happy to be so she had a very fulfilling life and enjoyed herself. She did have a man-friend but they had separate homes which suited them both. Sadly he died in an accident at only 66 years old. The loss was a great blow to my friend Matilda and to find solace and companionship she joined a women’s group in her home town. She met another person called Helena who lived near her they started to go out to the theatre together and other activities. After awhile Helena began to act very nasty towards my friend Matilda and became very controlling and threw out nasty remarks when other people where present. It became so bad my friend Matilda became depressed and anxious. I told her you need to get rid of Helena it will only get worse and it did. Matilda said she was lonely and needed friends after her boy-friends death which I can understand. But I personally think Matilda was so desperate for companionship she took anyone as a friend which proved to be a wrong move. Matilda has now moved on from Helena and has made some nice friends which I am glad about.

  35. Isnabela says:

    I just came upon this website when doing a search
    for how to make friends at 58. It’s so sad that
    this seems to be a common problem for us.
    Why is it that we can’t (or won’t) connect?
    Is it fear of being disappointed? Or vice verse?
    Is it a trust issue? Why can’t we just allow
    ourselves to care about each other without
    making things so darned complicated?
    I live in southern ca. Anyone want to chat?

    • Fran says:

      Do not take it personally. I’m serious. I think it’s mostly our society. As I said in a previous post — if we’ve lived in the same small town all of our lives, we probably wouldn’t be facing this. And, regardless, maybe there is something ‘right’ with us, rather than something ‘wrong’ with us. Lots of people are ‘friends’ with others, because they don’t want to be alone. I’d rather be alone than just friends with anyone.

    • Aeriol says:

      Hi Isnabela!

      Yes I am struck by this too and it makes me feel a little better that it isn’t just me – I live in Toronto and am 60. I worry that people will judge me, and I think it takes time to make real friendships. The article is correct to do things out in the community – it makes me realize I need to go out and do things like help with political campaigns which I do enjoy doing, though in the moment may feel like not going – so this helps me to make more effort. I think it is easy to think that others are happier or have less problems or better lives – not that my life is horrible at all but there are certainly problems. I have a kind of a unique opportunity to help a young guy build a tiny home. I read about him in the newspaper. We will start building in August and the whole project should take 6 weeks. I think by giving to others we receive. I am looking forward to getting started with it.

  36. Karen says:

    Eva and Joan – It hasn’t stopped. Have you logged in?

  37. eva says:

    Hello All,
    I found this website yesterday, and red the whole discussion .
    I can relate with many women over here, my age, my situation and my
    fears, hopelessness .
    However at the moment of writing this reply, I am looking for the answer
    to the question “how it happened that this discussion stopped ?”
    almost a year ago ? how come ?
    thank you eva

    • joan says:

      hi eva–i was wondering the same thing–i too am over 60 and often
      find myself alone–as an only child i used to being by my
      self but every now and then it would be nice to have a girl
      friend to chat with–do you belong to this website? –how
      have you liked it–looking forward to your imput: joan

Leave a Reply

Visit GirlfriendSocial.com

css.php