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Making friends at 60: “I don’t want to die alone…”

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

How does one get over being so alone? I do have a few very good friends, but too few! I am dying of loneliness! I don’t know what’s  wrong with me that I can’t seem to “connect” and make new friends. I don’t want to die alone too! I’m turning 60 this year. Any suggestions?? Many thanks!

Signed, Laura

ANSWER

Hi Laura,

Your question obviously follows my last post mentioning two tragic news stories recently published about older women who died alone without anyone noticing for some time. The imagery was chilling and most people would hate to think of dying that way.

Admittedly, there are times when it is tougher than others to make new friends. For example, college students are continually thrown into contact with other people in similar circumstances. Young moms can take advantage of abundant opportunities to make friends with parents of their kids or with other women involved in school committees. If someone’s working, she might become friends with colleagues. You haven’t told me much about you but it sounds like you’re at a place in life where you need to actively seek out friendships because it isn’t occurring naturally.

Making friends is more a matter of circumstances than age, per se. Unless there is something about you that pushes others away, if you follow your interests and remain actively involved with people, you will be able to replenish your stock of friends. The choice is yours: Get involved with cultural, political, or social groups. Join a gym, book club, cooking club, or take a class. Volunteer in your community at the library or hospital. If you have a dog, start up a conversation with another dog walker on your route. Dogs and new babies are always great conversation-starters.

One caveat: Don’t expect too much too soon. Friendships take time but if you are welcoming to potential friends and pursue your own passions, you’ll be able to turn new acquaintances into deep friendships over time. If you come across as desperate or clingy, it might be a turnoff to a future friend-to-be.

Being aware of your loneliness and that you want close friendships is an important first step. I hope this is helpful.

Warm regards, Irene

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Category: Making friends at 60

Comments (1,047)

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  1. yes, of course it is. i don’t understand why americans don’t realize that.

  2. Oh, what a wonderful website I have visited today.
    Its awesome to read the feelings here.Love to read all those personal feelings. It comforts .thank you. I am from India.Thank you.

  3. James says:

    Hi there Irish guy. I am like you an Irish guy but am now 61. I am in the same situation as you. My wife has never had any real interest in a physical relationship. She can survive perfectly well without any touch or physical affection. I am the complete opposite, a loving man who is affectionate and giving. I have struggled with this problem in my marriage for ever as we are so incompatible in that way but we get on well in others and have an emotional bond that endures. I often feel that I am dying inside from the lack of a physical side to my life with her but it isn’t enough to throw away the whole relationship. I could probably find a woman who could meet my physical needs if I didn’t remain in my marriage but I would struggle to find the emotional connection. I reconcile it by trying to understand that she did not receive much physical affection as a child and does not appreciate the needs of others who have. That said, some times in life we have to appreciate that in a marriage, if one partner has needs that are not being met, we should work to meet them even if it means doing something that does not come naturally to us. In other words work at it. Like you I have no real friends. She is my friend really and considers me hers. The need for physical touch and intimacy remains and the feelings of despair at the lack of this cone and go with varying intensity. I now sleep in a different room as I found it intolerable to sleep in the same bed with someone who did not touch me or want me to touch them. I am a bad sleeper and she was quite happy with this as it meant less disturbance. There is the urge at times to consider other options, like a sexual affair but that is unlikely to bring comfort and may create greater discontent as it is a transient, guilt ridden satisfaction, a world away from the loving touch freely given in a meaningful relationship. I am considering going for a regular massage just to enjoy the sensation of being touched. This would be entirely non sexual but at least provide my body with the sensation of being touched. It is shame to have to do this though. In a physical relationship I am a very giving and attentive lover who loves to make a woman feel intense enjoyment and pleasure in every part of her body, from her head to her fingers and her toes. In the end a decision has to be made as to whether you stick with it or not. My advice is to consider this carefully and don’t make a decision in anger or frustration. You may lose something that, however imperfect, you would miss sorely. As my wife reminds me when I express my frustration, you can’t have everything. I don’t agree. You can but it takes two to make it work. This problem presents you with a lingering dilemma and there is sadly no easy answer. The pain of physical deprivation will rise and fall. As sexual drive lessens it gets just a bit easier to cope with and it has. I remain very affectionate towards my wife and she remains the opposite. It is hard and sometimes very painful but I just have to deal with it. I am sure that there are parts of me that do not meet her needs too.

    • Deanna says:

      James, I have been in not one, but two long-term committed relationships where I said many of the same things to myself. But I think these thoughts come from fear, not a place of self-worth or love. You don’t have to deal with it! and saying that you’re flawed and imperfect too is laudable, but also a reflection of how beaten down you probably feel. If you’re “dying inside” from this “one little drawback” in your relationship, then it’s not a little issue for you–it’s a big important issue that deserves to be addressed. No, you can’t have “everything” but you can let go of the shore and set off to find a relationship (with your partner or without) that comes much closer to reflecting your desires and values. You’re right, it isn’t easy, but I think the search is well worth it.

      • Nancy says:

        Hello, John, and James I’m new here but your stories are very similar to mine. I just turned 60, my lifemate is 46 . We will be together 12 years on the 25 th of April. He is my best friend ,my lover and confidante and I have been his.
        He never allowed “outsiders” even becoming jealous when my Daughter and Granddaughter called or came by. Ten years ago he had a back surgery that didn’t turn out as well as it should have so he had to go onto disability….in October I will have my 10 year Cancer birthday, I do everything for him, make all his calls ,do all his laundry,make his meals run with his coffee when he gets up,I do All of the indoor and outdoor chores,plus care for all of our cats and dogs,and run all errands. This is all do while he sits out on the patio playing video games,or texting or talking on the phone to his band mates. Yes,the Only time he moves is for his band, other wise he doesn’t answer when spoken to nor does he move a mussel,he’s in”too much pain”, but Just let one of the guys call and he’s off and running,I’m left behind.
        I feel so lonely,used and taken advantage of,and angry don’t even bother trying to address this because he says, oh you’re jealous of my friends, you have issues. Yet, I’m not allowed to take up an outside hobby, make any outside friends,go anywhere except the store.

        He is emotionally and physically absent,if he were female the term frigid would be used, this is and has gotten old, but I see no way out for me…where would I go?

        When I can get his attention long enough to address this, he’ll say how much he loves me and needs me, but a maid could easily fill my shoes!

        I do love him, but so’m etching has got to change, being unhappy,and lonely can’t possibly be how I’m meant to spend the rest of my life.

        I even had to drive myself to the hospital for my Cancer surgery, and call the paramedics when I had complications from treatment…he did manage to show up onetime during my five day stay. His excuse then ….he couldn’t sleep.

        Oh but let the guys call,or an ex girlfriend, and he has plenty to say..

        Thanks for allowing me to vent, maybe I’ll make some friends here.

        • jacqueline says:

          Nancy, I urge you to confide in someone. As I stated in a previously post, to a person in a similar situation as yourself…please speak to someone in a position to help you, whether your family physician, a clergyman, or a therapist. What about the doctors who treated you at the hospital? There is absolutely no reason for you to stay in this extremely unhealthy situation. Especially since you are not well yourself.

          • Nancy says:

            Thank you Jacqueline,I’m really looking into all of my options. And being ignored and used isn’t one of them.

            It is hard to break away after so many years.

            • jacqueline says:

              Yes, change is always difficult. But oftentimes, it can actually change your life for the better.

              You are living in a kind of prison, and this is not a life. You are 61 years old. It is time to think about YOU and helping yourself to enjoy the rest of your life.

              I wish you all the best.

            • Christie Smith says:

              It’s true that it may be hard to break away, but in that situation, it’s harder to stay. Move out. Go to your daughter and start over. You’ve plenty of talents, you run a home on your own smoothly and successfully, so put those talents on your resume. You’re still young. Get out and find someone who deserves you. He doesn’t.

        • Catherine says:

          Hi Nancy, your post had me in tears – for you, and for me!! I am 55 and my husband is 60, and i needn,t go into detail because you have said it all anyway!!! We have been married for 29 years, and i may have just as well been married to a stranger for the amount of real feeling there seems to have been between us over that time. My husband,s only interest in our younger years was his job and keeping his parents happy. I had come from an unhappy life with my parents (an only, lonely child of two very selfish and self obsessed parents), and all i seemed to do was jump from the frying pan into the fire. We lived with my parents in law, albeit in a seperate part of a large old farmhouse, and my husband and his brother worked for the family business. I soon realised that i would never come first with my husband, and the abuse that i recieved from the family – including my husband, was terrible – not physical abuse, nor sexual – just verbal and emotional, (how had i missed that coldness before i married?) and i felt so very alone and lost. I certainly couldn,t confide in my own parents, or go back home, and i kept up the pretence that i was a happy wife for many years, indeed, no one knows of the circumstances of the reality of my marriage even now – 29 years on. Sadly i could not have children of my own, and now, at 55 i find myself living with a cold and distant man who although now has no parents to dote over (they are both deceased),his only interest is his work during the day, and slobbing out on the settee in front of the TV at night. Like you, i cook the meals, make our beds (we sleep in different rooms), do the laundry and the shopping, clean the house and work in my garden – and without the companionship of my beloved little dog, i would be entirely without love. Mika is my life now, and after the death of my one female friend two years ago through breast cancer, i have no one except my little Mika, to care if i live or die – or that,s how it feels anyhow. I am quite a shy person, and like the quiet things in life – the country and the seaside, walks in the sunshine and reading in bed at night. I like long hot baths with a glass of wine, and i love to be in my garden. I don,t much like pubs or clubs filled with uncaring strangers who like to shout and fight, and i have never been a party type of girl. I would so like to find a female friend, make a friendship that can grow into something strong and precious, a friendship that gives both people strength and that stands the test of time. Someone to tell secrets to, send birthday cards to, and even just to tell each other what kind of day we,ve had – why does that seem too much to ask? Is true friendship not the “in” thing anymore, has the world become so cold and distant that people cannot connect? I would even settle for a penfriendship, a friendship based on letters and emails – as long as it was with someone who cared, and who i could care for in return – i keep thinking, there must be SOMEONE out there who is as lonely as i am, someone who is as genuine as i know myself to be, someone who also desperately wants to connect with another warm and loving human being, in a genuine, warm and loving friendship? That for me would be far more helpful than any therapist, counselllor or clergyman – although i know they help so many people and genuinely do care about the job they do, and for some people, that is the answer – for me, i do not need therapy, i know what is wrong with me and my life – i need and desire a simple. genuine, honest and caring friendship – but it seems such an impossible dream somehow. Nancy, if you (or anyone reading this) feels the same about a penfriendship, that it could be a way for us to find that friend we are looking for, that it could fill that terrible void we feel, and if you are truly genuine, please get in touch. I have a loving and genuine heart and i am honest, open and dependable. I will not disappear or give up easily and want a friendship that will stand the test of time. I,m willing to give it a try – is there anyone else who feels the same?
          Kind and warm thoughts to everyone who is feeling lost, lonely and unloved tonight. Cathy.

          • Denise says:

            I have been feeling very sorry for myself today as I throw my miserable, uncaring husband out 3 weeks ago. Life with him was very much what everyone is describing here so now I don’t feel quite so alone and used. I also felt my husband just used me as a housekeeper/cook, we never were physical any more but the truth is he made my skin crawl if he came anywhere near me. I still cared for him but just could not stand his touch. He had too many affairs and treated me too badly over the years so I had lost all affection for him. He spent his spare time in our garage he had converted to a bar, drinking and watching porn. His 35yo married son was all he had time for, also at the detriment of that marriage. He paid for weekends away with him etc, they were like two lovers themselves. He got a loan and flew his son away interstate for a weekend a few weeks ago and that was the final straw for me. I pay for all our holidays away, have helped him when he was in deep financial trouble but never had anything done for me in return. He has no money of his own whatsoever. I was stupid enough to accept him back after 2 affairs and I’m sure there were others I didn’t know about as well. I have lived in this house with renovations going on for over 11 years because he would be doing renovations at his son’s or friends houses while I was at work thinking he was working at home. Stupid me. Now all I want is a friend to go out with and away on holidays etc. Someone to talk with and laugh with but nothing else, just friends. I don’t have any friends now and that’s the bit that is the worst. Denise

          • Dan says:

            Nancy,
            My situation is just somewhat different. I’m the older man and date a younger woman of 54. I love her very much. We have been dating for two years halftime at Florida in winter and half in Ohio.

            I have my own apartment and she has hers. Today she said she space from me . Her daughter moved back home with her junk. She also told her mother she is pregnant to her black boy friend who has 3 other kids to another woman and is not married and has no job.’ She Is going to have bi – racial twins. He has beaten her up twice and put her the ER.
            . Her mother, my girlfriend told me I can’t be around any longer now and wants space from me. I did anything for that woman and was very nice to her daughter and another daughter who is bi-polar. The black man also is bi polar.
            I made her breakfast, cleaned her house and even rubbed her feet every night. I loved to do those things for her. We had so much fun. We went to shows, we danced every Wednesday night, ate out a lot and exercises together. Now after I fall very madly in love with her, she wants space and time to test our relationship. I probably will never see her again and that’s what planning on. I still very heart broken and mad because I fell in love too hard.
            Dan

            dear in the desperate attempt to keep your partner from leaving. That’s fear driving you and, in the end, it only demonstrates to your partner that they shouldn’t respect you. Any relationship solution is going to require that you both respect and trust one another — even if it means parting ways.
            8. Know when to walk away. Sometimes, as awful as it feels and as scary as the prospect may seem, walking away may be the healthiest thing for both of you to do. Irreparable damage happens when people stay together longer than was meant to be. If you have any future at all, and all attempts have been made to talk fairly and respectfully to find a solution, distance may prove to be the only thing that allows perspective on what is truly important. So, I’ll reiterate this point. If you part ways and really don’t want to break up, your best chance at reuniting is to keep your distance and keep conversation to a minimum until such time as your ex has something profound to say. The worst, most hurtful and damaging things are going to be said by both of you when you’re dealing with heartbreak. Don’t compromise your integrity by saying things you might not mean. Believe me, I did and wish I hadn’t.

            9. Forgive yourself for failing at any of these things. You’re human. You know what’s right and wrong but emotions driven by heartbreak make people do foolish things. And, between you and me, I’ve failed at more than a few of these things which is why I can tell you what doesn’t work.

            10. Recognize that sometimes it wasn’t meant to be. During extreme emotional moments such as these, your heart and body are screaming and desperate, but you must take the time to quiet yourself and listen to the logical whispering of your brain.

            11. It’s OK to be angry but don’t lash out. Allow yourself to be angry when you’ve been wronged but don’t use it as an excuse to do or say things you’ll regret. You’re better than that and won’t solve a thing by responding in an equally hurtful manner. Most importantly, if ever there was a time to think before acting, it’s now.

            12. Read the book, Attached, which will explain the three emotional attachment styles people have and why they behave and love the way they do. It will spare you a ton of therapy, tears and sorrow. And no, I’m not affiliated with the authors or publishers in any way. I’ve been through a breakup that could have been a lot worse had I not read this book.

            If all else fails and the relationship falls apart, remind yourself of this one truth over and over again until it sticks: There are billions of people on this planet and there will be another person for you, especially now that you’re equipped with new knowledge and strength to pursue what you want and need in your next relationship.

            Now comes the really tricky part…

            Eventually, after the heartache subsides and you are beginning to get over your heartbreak, your ex is going to get in touch. Emotions are going to be triggered and confusion is going to set in. Getting back together may or may not be a good thing but what is critical is that you don’t forget any of the valuable lessons that you learned from the ordeal. Most of the time, your most sound revelations came once your mind and heart calmed down. Don’t give up on what’s important for you to be happy in what will undoubtedly be a mad rush of emotions that are screaming at you to get back together.

            If you think there’s hope, arrange a sit-down at a restaurant (not your place or your ex’s) and hear them out. Be kind. Be compassionate. Listen. Take the time to formulate your thoughts and feelings and agree to get back together to discuss what kind of a future you may or may not have. Do not rush this part! The key to making this part work lies in your ability to show patience, maturity, introspection and self-respect.

            Beyond this, I can only wish you well. Don’t let dark feelings take over. Surround yourself with friends, family and as many uplifting people, places and situations as you can. Though you may feel like this pain will never end, your heart will heal, you will smile again (and should as often as possible), and life will go on. UnhFind joy in all things. Take stock of the things you do have and be content that by simply reading this far, you care enough to try to make the efforts required to be happy.

  4. Julie says:

    Hi!!

    I think that you need to reach out and talk to people..I do that a LOT..I go into a store and if that person is really nice I joke around with them..and share stories with them…I get to know people wherever I tend to go.. that’s how you can meet nice people too!! I am not 60..but, I worried about NOT having a close friend…and I am still always searching for great pals…I have a bunch of friends back home whom I have known since I was little..and then there are friends here who I have met here and there..where I now live!! I just reach out and get to know others… Just take your time..and go with how you feel..if it does NOT feel good or “Okay” to you.. then you don’t have to..but, some people you just get a “vibe” and I believe that at least MOST people “know” that “inner feeling” that lets you know about that person!! Please reach out… you won’t be lonely!! If you also want..I am on Facebook and we can also be friends there too!! Peace!!

  5. Lori says:

    Dear All, I’m so grateful to have found you and hear your stories. I am now Sixty and looking good! But I have isolated myself to my detriment. I will wake up in the middle of the night and think “I’m not close to ANY ONE PERSON” I do not have a best friend that I call everyday. I just pushed away a friend by saying something stupid and she hasn’t called in 2 weeks now. I’ve apologized etc. Seems life is is getting smaller and smaller and I’m judging myself harshly. I actually don’t want to spend much time with people as it’s not comfortable. Thank goodness I work 3 mornings a week. Any feedback? Love to hear from you.

    • John Ace says:

      I to battle with a similar loneliness. Sad thing is I’m married to a beautiful wife, but every since my back injury back in 1999 I was forced into retirement sort-a-speak. Our relationship has gone straight down from there. We have a “just turn 21 year old daughter” who lives with us in a 2800 sqft home. I have been x-communicated from my lovely wife, we past each other and barely say a word worth responding to.If there is something she would say it’s like “it’s trash day or did you take the dog out for a break, no matter what ever it is by the time I’m half way answer she has already turned on her heels and back to one side of the house in our bed room on the computer. I truly believe that she hates me with every fiber in her body.I haven’t a friend to call on, man or woman. Sometimes I just want to walk away from all this but where too and to who? I know no one, I can’t help but think that she would be happy if I did walk away. Night time form me is the hardest, I’ve been sleeping in the living room for the past 3 1/2 to 4 yeas. After 4 yrs I just stop keeping count I think we had sex only one time. My neighbors, and her family all speak good to me.But I am so disconnected from everyone and just don’t have that mean spirit to say I want a divorce. I know that I deserve better, I am respectful of other people and pets; a Rottweiler, chiguagua,a cockateil that I care fore every day, and my daughter only comes out her room to eat or talk to mom. I’m 54 years old but feel like I’m 35+, 5’9 @ 175 lb I enjoy walks,used to walk my dog until he just got to big, work-out with weights. love to read,watch all kinds of movies, keep myself as busy as I can around the house; wash our cars,lawn care,groceries,I do our own electric, const. home improvements,love to work on cars but our cars run fine, I have a passion for drawing this is how I escape, creating new Ideas, I am the appointed senior care taker in our neighborhood they’re all 79 yrs and up, no matter what time of day or night they call I go running. All this and I can’t do a damn thing about this lonely man inside. On the outside I’m happy because I smile everywhere I go but I hate…when the sun goes down cause that’s when I am the loneliest.I sleep in a chair with 2 blankets not because I’m cold but because I keep thinking she might come and join me you know, but I keep strong I don’t let no one see me like this. So you see I can sympathize when someone says they are lonely, and can’t find no one to talk to. I know what it does to you inside, look I know this sounds stupid or sick but sometimes I wish I were not here anymore but that sun comes up the next day and it’s all over again, I bring her coffee & toast, glass of water to bed, cell phone,lap top,all with a good morning greeting looking for any bid of hope but she just shuts down and then I have no choice but to leave the room. I don’t even know who I am anymore,I don’t even know how to stop loving my wife, hoping against hope, I just read my bible and pray.

      • jacqueline says:

        John,

        My heart goes out to you. There is no reason for you to live in such an unhappy, unloving, unhealthy situation. You are giving so much of yourself and receiving nothing in return.

        I urge you to seek professional help. Perhaps there is a clergyman you can speak to for guidance, a counselor, and even a lawyer. You need to know your rights. You deserve so much better than this.

        • Irene says:

          John,

          I hope you’ll heed Jacqueline’s advice. You need to speak to someone to help clarify your feelings and figure out a better way to lead the rest of your life. It’s a sign of strength, not weakness, to reach out for help.

          Best, Irene

      • John Ace says:

        I want to thank you both for your wisdom and warm words, I just wanted you’all to know that I didn’t planned for this to happen but I also didn’t make plans to stop it.

        In the morning I will put your advise into action and make some phone calls until I meet with someone, because this anguish is taxing on me mentally and physically.

        I wish that I could go and just be a friend to everyone in here and give them all a big manly hug, my God I didn’t know other people are going through some of the same things. I mean, I know couples have their problems. I’m thinking domestic violence or some unfaithful stuff you know what I’m saying. My heart goes out to each and everyone of them.

        Thank you all

        I feel like I waited 30+ years for some words like that.
        I’m going to go to sleep with this good feeling in me. Thank you so much you have no idea I feel right now.

        • jacqueline says:

          John,

          I am so happy you have decided to take control of your life by making that first phone call, that first step.

          Be your own best friend!

        • Deanna says:

          John, I’m so happy for you. I read your comment and felt some anguish, thinking of my former marriage and unhappy relationships I’ve been in. Loneliness in a couple can feel much worse than loneliness alone! I wish you the very best in the next part of your life, which is bound to be the best part of your life. Let us know how you’re doing.

  6. Jack says:

    Not sure how to start…or even if this is being posted correctly- apologies if it isn’t.

    I’m recently separated, at 62, she’s 50, we both are working, I’m a home body that likes projects/tasks/cooking/movies/dinner out/conversation…my wife is entrenched in community theater (this is her love, dream, passion and fills her life more than you can know) and only home to sleep, get ready for work and then hours spent at her craft…but she tears herself apart and feels very guilty for following her passion and acting dream.

    Me on the other hand spend many hours alone, working outside, gardening, fixing household things, cleaning, cooking, laundry..I was/am very OK with it all the past 6-7 years, because I always knew she was my wife, I was taking that household pressure off, she loves me and I love her, and she is following her dream, it made her extremely happy….a happy wife is a happy life, and it truly was- I thought, so I supported her 1000%. It makes me happy she is happy.

    Now, the distance we have spent apart, my lack of attention towards my wife- cuddling in bed, calling her for no reason, intimacy, notes, dining out, me making date plans, preparing dinner when she gets home late…the apartness and much more has taken it’s toll. I love her, she loves me, but not quite in love…

    Now that her interests are even more focused in theater and acting, singing, dancing and mine are not, and after a tearful and very sincere heart to heart about our life together, we agree to live life and follow our dreams, driven by passion, fueled by faith. She has her dreams..just now, she doesn’t have to feel guilty anymore.

    She is dedicated with high convictions to be involved in her dreams, involved and in touch daily/hourly with the male/female friends that are also in the same dream. I am lost without her…my purpose is diminished.

    I feel isolated, friendless (2 best friends past 5 years ago, no really good friends since)and grasping to get through each day…weekends really suck.

    Selling the house, trying to clear up a financial mess, going our separate ways for awhile, and see where life and faith takes us…right now, for me, faith is all I have, and very few, 2-3 friends I can talk to. My wife has several very close male (as well as female) theater friends…who I think may cloud her feelings for me and staying my wife, but that is her journey, as long as she is not hurt and remains happy inside herself…I still love her very much and in love her more, but I must let her go now- let her fly, fully open her wings, and see if our flights meet in the future.

    I am trying to think of me…take care of me…to find out who I am/have become….This is very, very hard. I am trying…but it hurts really bad, to my core, my chest hurts.

    • VA says:

      Jack: You loved your wife, and your journeys have taken you on different paths. That isn’t a horrible thing, really. I rarely comment on blogs, and I am not really sure how I came across this one, but I sense that I must comment. Four years ago, I realized that my soul was empty after nearly 30 years with a man I adored. There was a part of me that died within that relationship, and that essence screamed to come back. I left, he immediately found a female, and we divorced. The part of me that withered during my relationship with him is slowly recovering, and there are many things I miss about being a family (with grown children); however, I am getting better at living my life now. Jack, you cannot go back and change anything at this point. You must move forward. Every evening, I am lonely, and I hate that feeling. When I think how often I wished to be a widow, I am thankful my ex is here for his children because they still need him in their lives. My advice to you is to do something each week that you have never done before. Just one little thing. For me, I try to hike each Saturday morning (weather permitting). Give yourself the freedom to step outside your comfort zone. I have been doing this for several months, and I have no “best buds,” but it has been fun. -VA

  7. ricky agnew says:

    my situation is different than most.i was diagnosed with delayed sleep phase disorder and severe anxieies in 1981.I’ve never been employed and have been collecting total disability since the time i was diagnosed.I sleep days and am awake all night and pretty much hang out and do what i want.most people i meet don’t remain friends with me because they seem to have a problem with my being unemployed.they see a person that’s able bodied and they come to the decision i’m just lazy and somehow unjustifiably receiving disability//that isn’t always the only reason however..being unemployed for so many years,i have different inerests in my life than most people./I began to hang out with younger people than myself in the 80′s..i became a child of the 80′s when i was in my early 30′s as opposed to a child of the 70′s which most of my older friends were..they were still stuck on hendrix and zeppelin in the 80′s and i was into the talking heads and simple minds and MTV and all the 80′s bands & fashions.to make a long story short,here i am 59 years old,my interests because of my disability and never being employed consist of horror movies,80′s music videos and hanging out at nights at denny’s./and of course,i sleep until the afternoon and am awake all night./now that i’m in my 50′s,it’s harder than ever to make friends because people understand me less at this age than they would have if i was younger./frequently in the past comments have been made by people i meet about my “weird obsession” with music and music videos.and of course how i have no life other than walmart and dennys and cb radios//most people think i’m in my 40′s when they meet me until i tell them my age which is almost 60.//telling people my age has caused problems as well..women have changed their minds about going out with me upon finding out that i’m 15 to 20 years older than what they originally thought/.and that’s a problem because i’m attracted to younger women than myself./my mother told me to just not tell them my age..have them guess and whatever they say just reply that it sounds good.it’s been the ruination of many possible dates.i’m extremely lonely and am fully aware that most people don’t have the kind of passion for 80′s music and music videos and the 80′s in general,that i have.i’ve checked online and beleive it or not NOBODY seems to have a yen for those interests but myself./or at least nobody in the area where i live(dallas fort worth)..another thing about me is that i’m a christian.but i’m not a legalist.i don’t believe it’s the movies one watches or music one listens to that condemns the soul.so..here i am..a lonley chrstian man that loves 80′s music and music videos and hangs out at dennys and walmart in the middle of the night and cruises talking on the cb radio.

  8. Wanting a friend for my male friend says:

    Hi everyone! I’m not really exactly sure how this web site works but I’m kind of looking for a friend for my friend. Well actually, I’m looking for a housing opportunity and/or a friend for my aging medically needy male friend. Lyle is his name he is in his early 60′s but he moves around like he is 200, because of his back problems and COPD. He lives with me and my boyfriend and his health problems are either getting worse or he is just getting tired if being “sick and tired’. Know what I mean? Anyway, the last thing I want to do is “dump” him on someone. This is very far from the truth. His brothers and sister lives up in Indiana and really doesn’t seem to want the problem of caring for him. His only son hasn’t spoken to him in I believe 3-4 yrs. Only his young granddaughters talk with him and that’s pretty much only when he goes to their work to see them. Lyle is a VERY depressed man. He’s says the nights are the worst. Because he closes himself up in his room after about 7pm. I think he has more in him than what he thinks, he just needs someone to cokes it out of him! Meaning a lady! :) I try to do what I can for him during the day but there is only so much I can do and Me and my boyfriend miss our private life together. He’s been living with us for a little over a year. He’s NEVER had a relationship with a woman his age or even within 20 yrs of his age probably since he was married 20-25 yrs ago. Lyle has owned his own horse rental stables for 40 yrs. He is very knowledgeable about the old ways of doing things on the horse farm. He says he doesn’t miss it but I’m not to sure about that. Anyway, I do not want to put him in a nursing home, you know the types were they stick the patients in wheelchairs and stick them in the hallway. Uhuh!! I will refuse to do that! And assisted living sounds like the route for him to go but I don’t know if all his financial and medical help, you know financial or gov. help, is enough to put him in a descent place! That is what I want to do and I am finding a few places that seem like good places for him to reside. Now I just need a “Lady” to befriend him!! :) He doesn’t known I’m doing this but I think, well pretty much know that once he’s settled and feels secure medically and housing wise, he just might be up to befriending someone his one age and get out and do things together. And as the old saying goes “laughter is the best medicine” well I believe that whole heartedly! So anyone that would like to befriend an absolutely full hearted man that would do anything for you, and give you his whole heart if you’re willing to give him yours I believe we can just about make a whole man out of him again. And that is my main goal!! He needs and DESERVES it! Thanks for the place to say this! Please if your the one to take on this challenge with me just give me a “write” :) Thanks. Carla, A friend looking for a friend for my friend!! :)

    • Kathy Nelson says:

      Carla Im your lady I am 64 not too bad health and very lonely, I want to move and Im all alone! I just want a companion!

  9. Linda Crooks says:

    I too have been separated for about 14 years and sometimes it is very lonely
    I try to keep busy visiting my kids and grand children but they have their own lives
    I want someone for me to be with someone to cook for and talk too and just share life
    I have had past experiences with a couple of men but
    Beginning to think it is me but I have tried to remain friends with all of them but I want something more than friendship
    I want a relationship where they care about me as a person and not because I remind them of someone from their past like an ex girlfriend or wife you what I am saying
    My guard is up for now s I don’t want to be hurt any more and my hart is still on the mend for now
    Linda

    • marinah says:

      Dear Linda,

      Have you consider accepting female friends that undestands your needs and could enhance and enrich your life? Please, disregard the thought that there is anything less than true friendship behind this idea.

      When my beloved husband of many years passed away, I felt disconnected from everybody and felt the pain of being left behind without the comfort I most needed. I suffer many years until I realized I didn’t need to have another man in my life. What I truly needed was to give others the comfort I need. By doing that, new harmonious friendships went into my life and we all receive the grace of being united in perfect love for each other. Now there is not one day that I feel alone. I am always sought by good friends to spend some marvelous time together. The miracle of receiving what is in your heart comes when you release your feelings of want or need e give to others the things you seek.

      I hope that will help you to discover a new way to receive the desires of your heart.

      Marinah

  10. T. Grace says:

    Hello to all! I realize that by writing this, I am opening myself up for possible criticism. But I’ve read a lot of the stories on this post and feel I need to share this as it may help someone. I am turning 33 tomorrow, and yes, still single. I work with deaf people in a non-profit ministry, and I love what I do. I have some wonderful friends that I work with. They are such a blessing to me. Yet at the end of the day, I still return to my silent apartment. I can’t deny that there are times when I look at the happy couples who surround me and struggle with feeling very lonely. Thoughts and questions often invade, and I have experienced depression. Staying busy can help…for a time. Doing for others is a great thing. It makes you feel good for awhile. But then you feel alone again, and need to find something else to do, other people to help, places to go.

    I’ve experienced many times walking into a room or party and wondering who to talk to, who to sit with, not wanting to “invade” other people’s space or groups. (I am, by nature, a rather quiet, shy person). I realize that, compared to many of you, I have nothing to complain about. I have had a good life, a healthy life, though certainly not a perfect life. But I have experienced the sting of loneliness. I grew up as an only child for 9 yrs, and had few friends. It was not until after college that I found some really close friends my age. (Btw, not all our friends have to be our age. We can learn from both older and younger.) I’ve moved away now, and don’t see those friends very often.

    What I want to share is this…I’m only lonely when I choose to be. You see, I have one very special Friend. I can call him any time I need or want to. He is NEVER too busy to listen. Now he may not always agree with me, and may tell me things I don’t want to hear. But really, I need that. Aren’t there lots of quotes out there about best friends telling us not what we want to hear, but what we need to hear? :) Anyway, he ALWAYS understands me…because he’s experienced a lot. In fact, he’s experienced everything. He is faithful to me, and loves me. He gives me things everyday. He encourages me, lifts me up…when I let him. When I’m not being stubborn. Sound too perfect? He is perfect. And though some might laugh, His name is Jesus. Now before you stop reading, let me say…I am not talking about religion. Religion is following a bunch of rules in hopes of making God like you or being good enough to make it to Heaven. I don’t believe in all that. So-called “religion” has hurt a lot of people. I do go to church. But people in church, including me, are only human. And I’m not perfect, believe me.

    I am talking about a God who loved each of us enough to become a man so that He could experience everything we have been through. And Jesus experienced loneliness, humiliation, and rejection like we can only imagine. And He truly wants to be a best Friend to each one of us. I have friends back home where I used to live that have horrific stories from their childhoods, like some I’ve seen on here. Yet they have found in Jesus, not a stuffy, formal religion. Not a harsh, demanding god. But a Friend Who understands, Who can heal any hurt, Who NEVER fails or leaves. You may think He’s not enough, that you need someone “you can see”. But if you really get to know Him, you’ll find that in reality, He’s the only One who IS enough. No one else can completely fill that “black hole in your heart”. He said, “Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” “…for he hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee.” Hope this is an encouragement someone.

    • nellie Hudson says:

      That was great what you wrote..(T.Grace) All that you wrote I believe also..”He will never leave us or forsake us” I totally believe this..(age 70)…

      • T. Grace says:

        Thanks, Ms. Nellie. Recently, I was reminded that “religion”, the way so many are today, was never intended. God wanted a “relationship” with us, and that’s what He had until people turned away. He never left us. We left Him, and He provided a way back. It’s easy to become focused on other people or ourselves, but we will NEVER be satisfied, no matter how many friends we have, until we have a right relationship with Him. Blessings!

    • mary says:

      wao how beautiful I really had a harsh life im only 35 but i have been sick for a while now and I do know jesus is the only friend who I can trust there’s nobody like him

  11. scott says:

    I’m 59, and since my divorce 6 years ago, I’ve dated 4 women. I was kind to all, but none of them worked out. 1 relationship lasted 4 years, when I was dumped (the fifth time) and heard, “I love you but I’m not IN love with you.” I’m lonely and yet am now resigned to not finding anyone. Women who are my age and single are often hurt by past relationships, and are simply unable to connect with anyone. I HATE being alone. But I don’t believe I have the ability to find that 1 in a 1000 who doesn’t have serious issues.

    • Mary Ann says:

      Hi Scott,I have been divorced 7 years and find the same thing happening.Men also carry baggage.It is very sad that at this time in life friends and relationships are so hard to find.The past is just that and we need to check it at the door.I believe if someone is lucky enough to find a relationship what a wonderful thing it can be at this time in life.I hope you don’t give up!

      • Jack says:

        The past is the past, today is the presence, and is indeed just that…a present!

        Faith is my key, it will unlock the door to my future.
        (wow…did I really say that so eloquently? :>)

        The past me always shied away from making female friends, even though I have no problem meeting and approaching women..i just always felt it was not cool, I was married, my eye’s and time were for only my wife. Now I have to not shy away, be social, get to know a female friend…and only a friend…to talk about life, interests, experiences, laughs!

        Anyway…my $0.02.

        Have a great day!!!

        Smiles- Jack.

  12. Carol says:

    Hi all, Aging, oh my goodness how we think we don’t have to do it. I am almost 75 as those already on this site know. It seems like those 5 year spreads, i.e., born – 5, 5-10, etc., and now 70 -75, scare us and rightfully so because we are forced to keep growing and learning. Yesterday, I had a cataract removed. Because I “look” younger, people say, “Oh really, but your so young!” If you haven’t already noticed, this culture has an emphasis on youth and beauty. Well as I look in the mirror at my aging face, I tell her, “Hey Carol, don’t forget how much I love and respect you no matter how many wrinkles, aging spots or white hair thinning you see looking back at you. It is that filled up with learning, forgiving and willingness to keep being out there in the world which continues to give you one more day to love.

    The doctor and staff who helped me through the surgery were so wonderful aqnd careful to make sure I was ok every step of the way. Of course it is a pretty easy surgery as I have been through many that were much more difficult to endure. All my friends called to check on me and to wish me well. My best friend, with her husband’s support, drove me to the surgery, let me stay at their place overnight, fed me a beautiful and tasty meal, had a vase of beautiful pink tulips by my bedside and reassured me they were there for me until I was ready to be on my own again. They know I am capable and they know I also still need love and support from my friends.

    So today as I am in my own home again, I look in the mirrow at this aging woman and of course miss the young face with no wrinkles and no brown spots and miss those days. I was a sun bunny in the 40′s and 50′s before they knew how much damage is done by sunbathing. I also smoked for many years before anyone understood what a killer it can be to the body. My bladder cancer, which I survived, was caused by smoking. Don’t smoke!!!
    We know so much more today than ever before on how to protect our bodies and minds. Regrets? Well, maybe when I am feeling low. But I don’t hang out there often as I truly want to live and love and be a person who keeps on learning by doing. It is said that human beings grieve, whether they know it or not. I didn’t learn until late in my life what that word really means. Now I know after many beloved people in my life have died and many disappointment, I have become more of who I was meant to be by doing so. Now I cry without shame or putting myself down by suggesting I am not strong enough, tough enough.

    Don’t be afraid to become who you were meant to be. Cry, stomp your feet, cry out to the heavens when you have had enough! Then, hold yourself in your arms and tell yourself how brave you are to keep going…to see what is ahead.

    Courage and love to all.

    Carol

    • Karen says:

      Mary I am alone too. I havent had any family un over 30 years. I do have a few friends but we arent real close.
      there is such a deep dark hole in my soul. I feel abandoned and of no real value.
      I have missed out on so much because of not having family. I am borderline narsasistic because umhave nobody to talk to or even about someeone else lije a family member. If I died no body would know but my cat Buddy.

      • Ingrid says:

        Hi
        I am 63 and feel I am all alone dispute being married. My husband is older and in poor health.
        Some years ago he gave our home to our daughter because he wanted to move back to his home country to be near his family, but they do not want to know him, he is much older than them, and from his fathers first marriage. So here I am in a strange country with no one. My daughter has her own life and no interest in ours. During my working life I made friends, but found they were not true friends, just used use when it suited. We both have soft hearts and gave and did what we could for anyone, often inviting them into our home, and giving up our bed when they needed help, only to find out very painfully, that it was a one way process. Now my husband does not like me to have a friend as he wants all my attention and I feel so alone and frightened
        I know I am going to be left to get on with everything on my own, living in rented accomodation
        But the worst thing is having no one to talk to. Has anyone got any advice, because these days as I am sure many have gone through, I no longer want to get out of bed, or go out the door, I would prefer to hide away and hope the world will go past me

        • swamiji says:

          dear ingrid,

          i can understand your agony, that is not the solution, when we are born we are not born with husband or wife, they came in the middle of life and gone, dont worry enjoy life, do some social work with children especially with children it will cheer you
          god bless you
          swamiji
          india

        • Sherry Burnett says:

          Hi Yep, I am also alone. going to be 66 in April and I am caregiving for my 91 year old Mom. I know she will not be here much longer.

          A few years ago her husband died even though he was a lot younger. I had just gone through a miserable divorce but luckily found out that a cruel husband I had left in 1977 had passed away and we were not divorced. I was just picking up the pieces of my life and had a massage business. But Mom wanted to go back to Las Vegas and bought a mobile home in 2007. She owes about three times more on it than it is worth.
          I can’t do massage in Las Vegas without a National certificatio. But I am almost 66. I know when she passes, not only do I grieve for her, but the rest of my family is not close. My sons will not speak to me. I don’t know many people in Las Vegas and I cannot really live on the social security.
          I wish I could find a nice widower or something. I love to dance but without a partner, I just don’t go out anymore.
          So I keep saying I am going to get out there but I don’t.

          I tried going to church, but I am not really religous. And I was going to teach qi gong but if I do, guess I make enemies of the few friends that I do have since they believe it is somehow evil. So I need to find new friends. If I can’t be who I am with my friends, who can I be me with?

          I wish I was naive, stupid, unenlightened etc. That way I could just go to church and make a bunch of friends but unfortunately, I did a lot of research because I wanted to know the truth.

          I still believe in God but not in religion. And that has cut off a lot of social outlets.

          And my mom needs me at home more and more so I feel guilty when I do get out. I desperately need at least a part time job if I am to continue to be able to have a roof over my head. But I am stuck. And not getting any younger.

          So, also my mom and I really do not have that much in common.
          I liked learning. I was into healthy eating. She is a sugar and carbaholic and being in a house with all that food sure makes it hard to eat healthy.

          And I wonder when I have to pay rent will I be able to also live a healthy life style. And then I wonder who even cares. What I would give to just once be loved for once and to see my sons and grandchildren.

          My father tried to rape me when I was a child so I ended up getting pregnant and marrying an alcholic wife and child beater and stayed with him for 9 miserable years. Then I met another creep who sold me into prostitution. The next creep joined a Mormon Fundamentalist cult and decided he needed 3 wives living together in harmoney. I wasted 15 more years with him. And I guess I rebounded after that and married a man who taught yoga. He turned out to also be controlling and abusive. So here I am 66. Wow, what a wasteed life. And now my sons won’t speak to me. And I have 5 grandchildren ages 23, 21, 14,12 and 6. This is the first time in several years that I even got a card. I feel so empty.

          I wanted to be an illustrator and was an honor roll student. I swore my children would never be abused like I was, but they were and now I guess they hate me even though I didn’t abuse them, their father did. He died in 1992. He ran off and joined a carnival to avoid paying child support. And I married what seemed like a wonderful man until I got back east and he sold me into prostitution and it turned out he was really gay. I think he tried to molest my sons.
          So after my sons got married, their wives didn’t want them to allow me to see my grandchildren. Pretty sad.

          So I am having a pretty hard time getting motivated to do anything myself. I keep saying I need to go to the gym and work out. But why? And I am losing my teeth. So I guess my days of hoping to find love are gone.

          But I do wish that just for once I could be loved before I die and I see homeless people on the streets and I shutter. Is that going to be me? The older I get the harder it is going to be to get a job. But even a part time job would at least allow me to have a little low rent one bedroom apartment. Wow, big dreams.

          What a life. What a waste. I have tried everything to get out of this depression, but the reality is, I want to be loved and I want a home and I want to see my sons and it doesn’t look like that dream is going to ever be.

          This sucks. And I can’t really talk to the friends I have about this because they probably think I am just feeling sorry for myself. A lot of peope have it worse. But you know what, I have a roof over my head today. But this is only temporary. If I do not get a job, I will be homeless, too.

          Why am I even trying to be healthy? Who cares? And if I don’t start exercising no matter how healthy I eat, it won’t matter. Why can’t I just get down to the gym? Or take a long walk.
          When I go out and I see happy couples doing things together it is like a knife to my heart. That is why I can’t go out. I want to be that happy couple.

          • jacqueline says:

            Dear Sherry:

            My heart goes out to you. You have talked about church, although you say you are not religious. Is there perhaps a priest there you can confide in?

            You CAN get yourself healthy. And it does matter. Do you have a family physician? You should go see him and discuss how you are feeling. Please do not give up on yourself.

            You are caring for your elderly mother all by yourself. This is a heavy load, very stressful and draining. By speaking to your priest or physician, they may be able to guide you in finding someone to help you.

            Just because you “see happy couples” everywhere, it does not mean they are. You are seeing them in public. It is what goes on behind closed doors that really counts.

            I hope my suggestions have helped you.

        • Eileen says:

          Hello Ingrid
          I’m in very similar situation ,had a bad row with my husband 4 month ago , he will not speak to me , he works I do not , he has hobbies , i don’t , he drives , I do not, we live in back of beyond have to rely on hourly buses , i am just turned 70 , I have twine daughters , we did have A very good relation ship but since the argument that all change , my husband is very articulate person , I’m not (don’t have a lot going for me do I ) no wonder I’ve got problems , we have been in this house for 2 yrs , beautiful house , hate it , bought because my husband & daughter wanted it , oh forgot to say i also live with one of my girls , & 2 teenage grandchildren , which I brought up since birth so my daughter could return to work , they didn’t speak to me too , now they do , but only if I start the conversation including daughter , so you might think , what has this woman done , old school do not think 16 yr old granddaughter should be sleeping with boyfriend when boy friend stays over night which was 5 -6 doesn’t matter how many , did not like it ,husband found out which I tried to prevent I hated it did not want him to feel how I was feeling so hence row , so Ingrid , you have get out , I know it’s frightening , walk any where , go to a gym I have , do voluntary work , hour or two , do emails like this , I feel bit better since pouring my heart out , i woke up this morning and cried my eyes out my husband moved out of our bedroom , I’m in apart of the house where no one comes or passes I could be in there for days ill no one would know , do you read ? Going on the web , helps morning s are the worst , keep occupied , but you must get out for alittle while , try the second hand cloths shop they are always wanting helpers , be firm with your husband about what you want , but most of all get out , at lest you have some one to talk to , I have not , live a day at a time , be positive , wihich is so hard to be , negatively makes you unhappy , and is very easy to become , do not allow it, this is my first email , hope I have not come across as over bearing, can hear my family downstairs , not included ,it’s pure torture,hope you get to feel a bit better you must make the move to make you self better , best wishes be nice to hear from you , Eileen.

          • jacqueline says:

            Eileen,

            You need to confide in a professional, such as a family physician. You are living in a very unhealthy situation. Your advice to Ingrid was right on…you too must get out of the house…go for a walk, a coffee at an outside café….get a book from the library…for example. You do not deserve to be treated so badly.

        • Paula says:

          Ingrid – this site and the whole friendship discussion is new to me, and I’m so happy to find this. Makes me realize I am not as alone in this some of this as I thought I was. I don’t know how one goes about becoming penpals, but I would be willing to be yours if we can discover how to go about that and if you would be interested. I know someone who lives in another country, and although younger, it is still difficult in many ways being away from own family and finding ways to fit in by learning what’s culturally appropriate, etc. If someone is reading this and can tell me the official way to become a penpal, I’d be most appreciative. There have been mornings when a simple email can help me rise and face the day with a lighter heart. I’d be happy to share thoughts with you and attempt to lighten your day. If you do not wish to be penpal, I do hope that you are taking advise of other posters by getting out in the community. One of the best ways to forget your own problems is to offer help to others. Best. Paula

          • Annie Boyer says:

            Paula,
            I, too, needed pen pals. I’m divorced, 64 yrs, 2 pups, live alone, retired, travel as able, 2 grown sons, into DIY crafts or DIY making things the natural way – all singular activities. I also had many friends when working who faded away when we no longer worked together. I have found one dear pen pal who is 80 and we send each other morning greeting just to say hi or chat about our days even if not much is going on. We share aloneness depression so feel free to chat about anything. Have another pen pal about my age suffering with fibromyalgia and, again, say hi and chat. None of us live close to each other but having someone who cares enough to say hi, how are you doing, is so meaningful. You can quickly “feel” whether they are “real” and honest or have little in common. If you’re interested in a chat pen pal, let me know.

            • Cheryl says:

              I am not paula, but I am a lady at 65 who lives alone with my 2 best friends, my dogs. without them, my life would be empty. I live in the country and have tried to make friends, but everyone stays close to their family and I have not been able to make any close friends. would love to do the pen pal thing just to be able to talk and be interested in what someone else has to say. For the last 2 yrs I was a caregiver and she became like a mother to me. she loved me so much and I loved her. she died about 3 weeks ago and it has been very hard for me. I miss her so much. now I sit at home with the dogs and no friends. let me know how I can have a pen pal please. thank you very much.

      • swamiji says:

        for god sake dont use such words as having dark deep hole in soul, in our language we say yad bhavam tad bhavati if we see a smiling face in the mirror you know the sresult be cheerful, you are not alone god is with you
        god bless you
        swamiji

      • ginnie says:

        I buried the last person who would love me decades ago when I was 41. Additionally I was punished for it by hateful morons in the U.S. by redneck courts and media, etc. But that’s a long story not worth mentioning (b/c very few people really care). I’m too rational to con myself into groups that feign caring (e.g., spiritual groups, virtual networks) and I’m too strong-willed to take to drugs and alcohol.

        So, though I’m a very rare bird, my solutions might be helpful.

        First, if you are in good health–wow! there are so many alternatives to remaining rooted in the dark, lonely side of the garden. I suffer profound loneliness, but I find joy by in moving forward.

        1. Take up a hobby that strengthens the will-to-live muscle. For me it was motorcycling. By facing down death nearly every day of the year with the exhilaration of a powerful bike, I become a self-empowered crone and can ride away from the cowardly hatemongers. I have a biker credo: Any day without a crash is a good day; my ride, as my life, has no reverse gears. Forward, faster, always forward!

        2. Change countries. There are so many jobs overseas and meeting new people, languages, cultures, etc., is very life-affirming. Also, you will meet others who share a wanderlust. No ties to family, race, religion, country? Fantastic! You would be surprised how many of us are out here alone, together.

        As a corollary of these, get rid of all the stuff! I am happiest many days into a ride where all I need is on the bike. When relocating, get rid of all but a few suitcases. Stuff just drags us down. Keep moving!

        I am not alone by choice, but, it affords a liberation very few understand–no cell phones or gps for me! I laugh at people who are so desperately afraid to be alone for an hour have to text and talk on phones even when traveling. I’ve lost myself in villages of distant countries for weeks with no one in the world knowing where I was except the strangers around me. You’d be surprised how empowering that is!

        Hope this helps someone.

        • araya says:

          Loved what u wrote! I am a wanderer as well and you helped put into words what I love about it. As well as a neat outlook on what u touched upon from a viewpoint I may later have. Am 35 but hope I’ve the health and resources to keep traveling.
          Thank u,
          From a vespa riding dork ;)

      • phyllis says:

        hi Karen and mary im alone also I have a husband who still works 13hours a day a daughter who does her own thing . and I have no friends and when I worked I truly did not make friends with the people who worked for me. so im lonely all the time also. please email me if you would like I live in north carolina

        • Paula says:

          I am 65 and though I am with someone, I feel alone often. I moved to where he works 2 years ago. My children and grandchildren don’t live near me. We are close, but they have full lives (as they should) and are very busy. Also, my loneliness stems from fact that I worked most of my life until others and I fell victim to city and state’s economic woes. We were catapulted into unplanned retirement. My job and care of my mother took up my time (mother passed away). There was little time left to nurture friendships.

          I don’t think I’m the only one who feels alone once so much activity ceases. Not sure how to begin creating a social life. Have joined group of people in similar positions, but often feels too contrived. I think I need to bolster my confidence before going out there again. The job loss gets me down. And age discrimination really does exist.
          Am happy to have found this site. Even being part of something in which others understand feelings of loneliness, is being part of something! Thanks to those who post here.

    • brenda says:

      I love what you said I am 62 but feel much older I justed loved your words THANKS

    • Candy says:

      I will be 64 in May and have a hard time getting that in my head. Have always been quite active but is because of that that I had to have a miniscus removed from my right knee… there is nothing more humbling than going down steps like an old woman… anyways I love life and people and most of all I really do love me… and I may be lonely sometimes but most often I find such enjoyment with my business, my books (read 4-6 novels a month) and my rescued dogs. Anyways, great thoughts and happy future to all.

    • Rukeya says:

      Dear Carol, thank you so much for being so honest. I’m a soon to be 23 year old and I’m so alone. My past friendships faded so quickly because i was always the one who put in most of my energy, it’s extremely difficult to find true friends these days and that’s saddening. Your words moved me. I’ll continue to be brave.

      With love, Rukeya.

  13. Nancy says:

    AM a lady of 30 years old i will be 31 on the 10th of july this year i am already into many relationship but doesn’t work out i need a caring man regardless of the age in as much he will be there for me.all i want is a true love cos am getting fed up of my love life

    • Nancy,
      Been alone for over 15 years and 65 years old! Wish I was
      younger I would spoil you rotten ! Nobody your age deserves to
      be alone! I had no Christmas or New Year this year, and decided
      not going to happen again, but dating site are real bull these
      days! Its all about money!~ My parents have been married 66 years
      next month and still alive and go everywhere! Makes me wonder where I went wrong! This online and texting thing just don;t get it! Got
      screw by two so called women for over $7000 each and ncver met them!
      Never again. if you can text you can call! I;m a human being not a machine! Want someone who loves ruffles and frills and feeling younger everyday! I’ll never let them get old or bord! But who would want me at my age! Everybody I know doesnt believe I’m over 50! Always trying to look good! You will find someone to love! Do it before its too late! I have eveything to offer, nice little home on three acres and garden and everything! Retired and two busineses keep me going all the time! And I am alone, guess I;ll have to get dog! Nancy! Dont wait to long! Henty Ford said once! You keep on doing what youve always done, you keep on getting what youve always got! Don’t like what your getting, change what your doing!Email if you want to talk! Don;t be alone! Cliff

      • Lovey says:

        Hi Cliff, I live in NY and I understand your feelings of loneliness. I am a good person, easy going, generous, I reared two children who are adults now and on there own. My world sort of revolved around them, the few friends I did have were not very good friends to me in the end. So I guess I became accustomed to going to work and coming home. I too would like to have some friends someone to talk to, to share thing with. Will you email me?

        Lovey

        • I was born and raised in N.Y. Don’t kn ow how to get you
          email address! If your a guy pretending to be gal I will find you out! I wwill wee if I can get you eamil! Im on Yahoo
          ruffled2229 if you can get there
          Cliff

    • swamiji says:

      dear nancy

      why you people does such mistake dont worry dont lose heart best way to forget worry is keep well think that here is a man of 60 who loves you care for you do everything for you, it is not only love life, sex is important yes we are human beings once we taste anything the mind will hanker for that, what do you do, what is your qualification, do you stay alone, where do you work, which is your place, what is your daily routine, keep in touch i will give lot of tips since i live alone and enjoying life and helping people like you, hence in india is good a girl will marry at 25 or so and give birth to a child and parents teach her to take care of husband and child, i will tell you lot of things about life, dont be upset nancy dear yes they say the sea is near but you are thirsty you can not drink i know you are thirsty and hungry for so many things but one thing nancy dear life is give and take we should never be selfish try doing selfless work help sick, old be a shoulder to cry on, wipe somebody’s tear you will be happy, read dale carnegie book stop worrying and start living

      i love you
      god bless you
      swamiji
      india

  14. Enola says:

    I will be 60 in March but look 45. I am in good health, work in healthcare. I am a people person, love to read, travel, dance etc. I have been alone since 2004. I have not met one man yet. I travel mostly by myself or with a mission group.
    I don’t really know what the problem is. I like myself, I encourage myself, I don’t put my life on hold because there isn’t that special person yet. I don’t put myself down.
    yes I would like a financial stable man, someone who enjoy life, a sense of humor. Can’t do laziness or someone who always need to be validated.
    Life is wonderful for me but would love to share it with a special man

  15. jas says:

    who knows the future might change?

  16. Mehr says:

    Well, my problem is that I cannot join any group to make a friend. It seems I have no tendency to to do that. I am 45 ages man who divorced 10 years ago and is still alone. I went to a gym club but I could not approach any woman or man to start a sort of connection. I just had a few talks for some of my needs in the club and noting more. I feel I am in a shell. I feel comfort to spend my time with myself and my thought rather than with others. Even when I go out for shopping or to have a coffee I prefer to read book when I drink my coffee. Most of the people around me at least come as a couple but I am alone with the table I took. At this time when I see others are with their friends or girlfriends I feel so sad and depressed telling my self that coming here was a mistake and it was better to stay at home.
    But still something in me and my heart is trying to jump me out of this shell. I wish I could. where is the problem?
    Any one can help me please?

    • Lisa says:

      Mehr, I can totally relate and understand. I too often enjoy being on my own, BUT, don’t like not having a close friend or companion in my life. I rely to much on my siblings to fill that void and I know that is not good for me mentally or emotionally. My son will be heading off to college soon and I need to prepare for that by getting out in the world to meet people and get out of my comfort zone of being comfortable on my own.

  17. Carol says:

    I am in such a very dark place and frightened of what’s to come.. I am in my second marriage of 26 years. He has 4 adult kids I have 2 adult kids . We raised 2 Of his grand children now adults themselves and we are totally alone. They have dropped off one by one because of selfish reasons. His kids jealous of my kids ,my kids jealous of the grandkids. The grandkids rallied back to the very parents who did not want them. So we are alone.So much meanness so much hatred from all of them. I lost my job a few years ago and my husband is soul bread winner. I have made my plans known to my nieces and nephews and my brother that if my husband should go before me I have made arrangements to go with him. I am 59 years old this is not the way I pictured my life. I do not want to stay in this life. I do not worry about dying I worry about living!!!! I have one wonderful, loving friend and she is the only one I know who would be hurt by my choice but she understands because she will also in the same shape ..

    • Noel says:

      I’m 59 also. No children at home, grandchild lives about 1,000 miles away. I had really good friend until my husband got transferred to another state literally thousands of miles away . I kept in touch withy friends and was told I was the “glue” that was able to keep th together. One by one they quit visiting and now don’t even send a Christmas card. The usual places I would meet some one are not an option, I don’t work , I don’t attend church, and I don’t drink. The neighbors are all nice but have made it clear they all like to keep to theirselves. Now my husband has to travel out of state to work. I sit here with my 2 dogs, 300 channels on tv and a library of great books and music. I don’t want to read , watch tv or listen to music. I just don’t want to be alone! Yes I am depressed but have had no luck with antidepressants. I’m not going to pay some therapist to be my friend once another either. If I died tomorrow , hardly a thing would change in this world. My husband would eventually notice and if any family called they would be told. It ‘s like being pointless and taking up space! My sister is younger than me but I have kept her aprised of what the future brings, I wish some one would of done that for me .

      • Kat says:

        Hi Noel, what are you interested in; gardening, cooking, quilting, art, etc? Also volunteer. There are groups that you can join with shared interests that would fill the loneliness void. You’ll need to search them out and see if they are a fit. You may need to encourage yourself to get out and if one activity doesn’t work out try another. You are not the only alone person in your town.

      • Carmen says:

        I live in Spain and I am lonely too. I think that s VERY good to have somebody to write. But you still are too young and you have plenty of life ahead to live it to the best of your ability. CHEER UP BECAUSE THE SUN RISES EVERY DAY. With regards. Carmen

  18. Melondy says:

    This seems to be a good web site. You can make friends with someone who has few friends. But why Irene delete the email address? If you can’t send email to a person how do you communicate with that person and make friends?

    Sure if there are lots of lonely people talk on this site, it will help Irene’s site up to the top of the search and be good for her. But the site is free and what does she care if people get connected from this site on…?

  19. Nancy says:

    Hello everybody. We are in Christmas time and I am alone in this Country. I live in New Jersey and do not family here. What can I do? I am sad and feel alone.

    • Sol says:

      Dear Nancy
      You are not alone ever, we are children of God and even though you think yes, but ……. no one is with you in person now, I can tell you that if you open your beautiful heart and really would like to be with someone else this Christmas, then you will see my dear that there are a lot of children and also old people that would be fascinated to go to your home and share what you could offer them, because most likely they have less than you have and they have no family at all. These people you can find at orphanates, resting house for adults, hospitals. Anyway, what ever you decide to do, I will think of you and pray God to bless you everyday.
      We are all connected, we only need to smile to the others and you will see they smile as well, love is everywhere. A big hug, Sole

    • Asanga Dennis says:

      Hey Nancy,
      You should never say you are all alone,no that there is some one near you who is always watching at you and always there beside you all the time right,i once had that same though like you did but I.cam to realise that if I was alone then why I are my wishes come tnrough I that I never told any one about it,so there is an invisible bein always there with you Nancy never feel alone please,if you want some one to talk to you can write me any time Ok.Take care and may the Good Lord see you through.

    • Anna says:

      Hi Nancy,
      It always causes me to be sad when I hear of someone who feels alone. I feel for you. Sometimes I feel alone even when surrounded with others. This Christmas Day I may have lost my youngest daughter because a rich powerful older man took advantage of her vulnerabilities years ago and is now her partner. Even though older, he is immature. He gambles to win, hunts to kill and litigates for the jugular. Unfortunately he handles family the same. When my older daughter questioned his intentions and her sister’s relationship with him, he decided to encourage bitterness, anger and hatefulness. He has tried to pit the whole family against the older and this Christmas he succeeded in tearing us all apart. On Christmas he texted me thT they were done with me and that I made my choice to support my older daughter ( which I haven’t always done until she tried to apologize and meet her sister half way, was in town from out of state and is recovering from open heart surgery) He told me I made my choice, to live with it and to stay out of their lives. This year, being alone would have been far less painful.

      Engage in an activity or hobby you have Always wanted to do, find joy and excitement in this and join a group or groups where others can share your enthusiasm and joy. If you build it, they will come.

      I wish you the very best in the new year and encourage you to get out there and make the effort you need to find the life you want.

      Anna

    • aLi says:

      hey nancy,here is aLi.i am 29yr’s old,will be 30 in this march.i read your story.i have few friends,just friends with hello hi.but mostly i am alone.watching tv,reading books and traveling.i can feel that,we have same situation in our life..wish you good time…

    • Mary says:

      hi MY name is Mary. Im alone in this world alone too. would u like to communicate?

      • Mary,

        That would be fine! Having trouble trying to reply!
        Hope you get this! Don’t know how to get you number or
        email! Not interested in long term texting! I feel
        if you can text you can call! Like to know who I am talking
        too! Maybe you know how to make contact!
        Cliff

    • mike says:

      Hi Nancy,
      You may need to move out of NJ and closer to your family,if that helps. Remember where ever you go,that’s where you are. That means, if you lived closer to your family you may be lonely again in 6 months.Then what? Find happiness where you are. It will come to you,if you open your heart. We all need to change our ways,so change will happen.

  20. Sol says:

    To all people who feel sad and lonely

    Just want to share how I could overcome my beloved husband’s death. This video took me out of depression and helped me to see life on a positive way. I do hope it helps others to be happier. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2NiRvwmPDxo Louise L. Hay on How Thoughts Create Reality
    I am from Chile, a long and narrow country at the end of the world.
    God bless you all.

    Sol

  21. Donna says:

    Hi Everyone!
    I too have a hard time making close friends. Most of of my friends are wives of the men my husband works with. We don’t do anything without the husbands, as the women drink/party too much so I have nothing in common with. (I moved to marry him on the other side of the country 36 years ago and my last close friend died 10+ years ago.) Before that I was busy working, raising kids, keeping house, and shuffling kids/grandkids around to their activites. They have since moved far away, and my husband still is working for 7 more years before retirement. I no longer work as for medical reasons I can’t do the same job anymore, and don’t need the extra income.
    Most people my age I meet are either really wealthy and drink/party too much, or are too poor to do things like going out for lunch/shopping and won’t let me pay for it. I have volunteered at the local grade school helping kids with math and reading, putting books away at the local library, helping clean up at the senior citizen center, stock up at the food pantries, take people who can’t drive out shopping, and being a children’s advocate. Still can’t seem to make friends my own age.
    I walk with my small dog 2 X’s a week along the beach and work out at a local gym.
    I live in the country and most people aren’t crazy about driving so far to socialize so I have to do all the driving.
    Any suggestions?
    Also Serenity would you be my penpal? I’m 58 and live in the southern US.

  22. Yvonne says:

    I feel lonely and depressed! I wish I had a good friend in my life to be able to talk with, spend time with, go to church, movies and be there for one another. I feel as if my life is over and there is nothing out there for me…no happiness at all!

    • Linda says:

      YVONNE
      It’s hard but if you go to church, it’s a lot easier to meet people if you take a Sunday school class or go to a bible study because you interact with people in your same situation/age group. (Don’t go to a couples class). I tend to go to church alone, sit in the back row and slip out 5 minutes early so I won’t have to say “hello” to anyone. Not a good way to make friends. If your church doesn’t have any classes for people your age, find a church in your faith that does.

      • Yvonne says:

        Oh my goodness! You do the same thing that I do! I do sit in the lecture hall of my church and as soon as it is over I exit out the side door feeling lonely. I would like so much to have friends but I don’t. I was married for 22 years and was always a private person. I never thought I would be alone and without a man in my life or a close friend to talk too! I have three older brothers and I am the only girl and the youngest. They (my brothers) have a close relationship with one another but not with me. I wish that I had a sister someone to share things with, cry with and laugh with.

        • Ria Srivastava says:

          Hi dear,

          How’re you today? I guess I’m sailing in the same boat! I very much do need a good friend too. I would love to be you e-pal. I am Ria from India. I can so relate to you. Well I guess ours is a friendship waiting to happen. Stay awesome. Stay blessed. Hugs!

        • Nancy says:

          Wow, I had no ides that others are in similar circumstances. The holidays make it worse. I moved with my husband to his hometown and now realize that we have little in common. There is little to do here and I feel like I don;t fit in. Without children it is hard to find a connection with others who have already established a circle of friends. Thank you for helping me to feel less alone!

        • donna says:

          Hi Yvonne, I feel like I am in the same situation as you. All the friends I knew were mostly from work which I am retired and my kids are all grown and I have lost 2 of my daughters and my Husband in the last 4 years but for some reason God has kept me here. I just can,t seem to connect to anyone and feel so alone. It,s so hard to make friends now at my age.I seem to have trouble finding things to talk about. I hope you feel better and find some new friends soon. Life is so empty when no one is there to talk to. God bless and have a good day.

          • Paula says:

            Donna and Yvonne-I am in situation similar to yours. I would enjoy being penpals with people around my age (65) who are also feeling lonely. I am retired, and so many years of my life was spent working and taking care of others that there was little time to nurture the many friendships I once had. If either of you or both are interested in seeing if a penpal friendship would help us vent when necessary and share positive thoughts and happenings, I’d be happy to try this. There have been days when the opening of an email, and just knowing that someone thought enough to send one, has brightened my
            spirits. As other posters have mentioned, I too believe in God and turn to God in times of sadness or extreme loneliness. but it always feel good to have others to share thoughts and ideas with.

          • Unique1 says:

            I live in the Philadelphia area…

            I am 51 yrs old and been retired/disabled since 2006 and boy I never thought that I’d be this lonely. I live in Pa. and have tried meeting new female friends, but I didn’t realize how hard it was to do so at my age. I’ve had a best friend since middle school, but after about 20 yrs or so I moved an 1 hr. away and she’s only came to visit me 4x’s. I’ve gone to visit her more x’s than I can count. I live 2 miles from a casino and she has come to the casino and doesn’t even call to say I’m in your area. I’d call her, she would be busy or tired and say she’ll call back, I wouldn’t hear back from her unless I called. I have been there any time that she asked for any cookout or funeral whenever she needed me, wish I could say the same, oh well……I’m just tired of a one way friendship, always being the one reaching out all the time.
            I live in Pa. and you can message me here yicra nine two five, numerical numbers at aol dot com. I have tried meeting new female friends, but I didn’t realize how hard it was to do so at my age. It would be nice to have friends which I can talk to or just hangout with. Hell, it would be nice to even receive an email every now and then.

    • jay says:

      Hi Yvonne,
      I am lonely too and I also want some one who I can hang out with and spend time. We can be friends. where do you live ? I live in Toronto, canada. If we are not close by we can connect by phone or chat. With regards…Jay

      • jay says:

        Hello every one here,
        I am so happy to be on this site when I accidently stumbled upon this blog. Now I don’t feel lonely any more :-). Any one who wants to connect to me please feel free and write. I am from Toronto in Canada. Hope to hear from you people soon..With Regards..Jay

        • tchatouang patrick says:

          hello I am patrick ayoyng africa boy from cameroon I’am 37 year old i would like to make friend with you I like discover another persons around the world hope to meet you soon

        • Cheryl McManus says:

          Hi Jay, I have no idea how I came upon this site either?? I am also living in Toronto. 58, female, very immature for my age…lol. Really well traveled and have had an interesting life, that shut down rather abruptly 4 years ago. I have 1 daughter, who needs to live her own life. I am lonely, not sure where all my so called friends went, but would love to meet some new people. Age not a factor, I can relate to all ages. Not sure how to connect on here, if interested please drop me a note. Cheryl

        • Hi how’s the weather today in TO I now live in BC from TO.. MISS THE PLACE! LETS TALK..

    • Carolann says:

      Hi Yvonne,
      I am in the position and feel the same as you.
      I’ve been trying to find websites where I can
      communicate to find people in our position near
      the area where we live so we can meet in person.
      Do you know of any such sites? I live in Patchogue,
      N.Y. If anyone on here lives in the Suffolk
      County area in Long Island, I would love to
      hear from you. Diamondsnroses99 at aol.
      Thanks.

    • Carolann says:

      Hi,
      I’m tired of being alone. Have 2 friends who
      I rarely see because they work and I am retired.
      I’m looking to make friends near my area. Contact
      me a diamondsnroses99 at aol.com

    • karen connelly says:

      Yvonne I know how you feel. I lost my Mom last year my best friend 5 years ago another 2 years ago. I really miss a confidant. I was lying here and type this in nd found this website.It is nice to know I am not the only one thinking this.I live in Pa if you are close by let me know

  23. johnney (female) says:

    Hello everyone. I’ve read everyone post and I’m very please to see that I am not alone. I am here in attempt to make new friends. i’m very shy and that has prevented me to meet friends and keep friends my whole life. i’m not insecure neither do i have low self esteem. just shy. if you’re into meeting an amazing person whom you can accept me for who i am, then let me know.

    • jay says:

      Hi johnney,
      I liked your post and especially the comment “you are not alone”. I feel the same. I am male and I live in Toronto, Canada. Please connect to me. Jay..

  24. Linda says:

    Hi All.
    I am 56 and retired a month ago. This new season of life is something I wasn’t prepared for. I knew that the main place people make friends or meet people is work and it’s natural, not forced, so it just works better. But I figured if I get bored or lonely, I will go to church which I should be doing anyway and now I have the time. WRONG! I haven’t been able to bathe, brush my teeth, get dressed or even go get food. I am on anti-depressents but they can’t fix what is wrong in your heart. I have been betrayed by everyone I thought loved me except my parents and they are dead. I never had children, (my husband has 2 that he made while cheating on me but has little contact with one and no contact with the other).

    My only sister hasn’t spoken to me in 6 years and I don’t know why and she won’t tell me. I used to have trouble keeping friends because they would move away. Now they are all dying on me of old age. I believe my sister turned the whole family against me because I haven’t heard from anyone since my sister stopped talking to me (aunts, uncles, cousins). I have tried to reach out a few times only to be completely ignored. What scares the hell out of me is I know this isn’t healthy but I don’t want friends anymore. I actually have a few friends that I haven’t been a good friend to but I’m broken and terrified. All they want to do is go out drinking and meet men and I used to go and was just miserable and bored. Then I started making excuses and avoiding them. I know it hurt their feelings but it has nothing to do with them, I’m sick. I’m lonely but terrified of people. So if your friends shun you, don’t feel too rejected as it may not be you. My husband lives with me so I am not alone, but he is depressed all the time because of mistakes he has made and says he loves me but it is hard to be happy or feel loved when you can’t make your husband happy. Especially when he has cheated in the past. We feed off of each other’s depression and it makes us both worse. There is also little to no physical affection, not that I want any but it still hurts and I know it’s not healthy for a marriage.

    That being said, I know this too shall pass even though it has been a recurring problem all my life. I do find that helping someone else is the best medicine for healing yourself because it takes the focus off of you and your problems and makes you less self conscious. I want to be like the Golden Girls and live with 3 other old ladies and have adventures. But for now, I just wish I could drive to the corner grocery store without taking a valium.

    • Anne says:

      Dear Linda,
      You really touched my heart & at the right time. I’m heading toward the 60 mark & last few months felt so many things & sad perceptions as you so honestly summed up in this post. I was initially brought into my current “stuck” predicaments by the harsh betrayals of my partner & as you said so well, the low feelings from each other then just fed of each other. But because we split, I wokeup many a day feeling crazy for not even budging to do everyday things. I am not in my own place since I left all behind, so it is part of why I am not popping into tasks like you mentioned. I am dodging negative relatives… Yet mainly, I am in a hurt place & wishing I was with my Golden Girls & laughing & loving amidst adventures. SOoo you are really waking me up by your sharing so much that tells me I am simply down from having the wrong surroundings & people that just remind me of wounds. Of course, that’ll keep anyone from running down the road to happily grab some groceries. But to move toward that life of adventure with good friends, we have to get up & get going. By reading your present truths, it is motivating me to do just that. So I’ll be getting out & sidestepping the gloomy surroundings. Thank you for giving your picture that actually is healing because it hit home with real feelings! And now I really want for you the best & hope you can push out of the hole you are in. Afterall, there will be us Golden Girls to meet as you bump into us at the grocery store :). …& then days ahead to jump into …filled with fun adventure worth sharing.

      • Linda says:

        It does help to know other people have the same feelings. I feel like I am starting to come out of a little bit. Maybe I just need a break. Thank you for your comments. See you in the grocery aisle and best of luck to you!

        • donna says:

          HI Linda I know what you are going thru because I am dealing with the empty life feeling too. My husband has passed away and I just can,t seem to get my life going again. so lonely and so much hurt but I know I have to try to find something to get my life back on track.Maybe I will run into you at the grocerystore one day, Ya think?

      • Cindy says:

        I love the Golden Girls, even my grown son says it makes him laugh, and when I feel down, that show does really help!
        At 54 and single, I have come to accept that it’s ok to get down and feel lonely and even let the dishes sit in the sink until the morning if that’s how I feel. I give my self this. I am never down for more than a day or two, after that, I get disgusted and force myself to get up and do something, which, always makes me feel better.
        I do get tired of having to do everything alone, and take care of all the chores myself (like cleaning gutters and shoveling snow) and having no one to give you a hug after a long day. But, single hood offers lots of freedom too.
        I think the fact is that life is simply full of ups and downs, and no one kind of situation is better than any other, but naturally when we’re down, the grass always looks greener anywhere else.
        Friendships do make a difference, however, everyone seems to live on FaceBook these days and I just can’t get into it. I like having coffee with real people I can actually see and touch. I love having people over, going out and doing fun things with others but it seem like no one has time.
        No one talks on the phone anymore, and email is becoming passe – everything is in short text messages or tweets. I honestly think by the time this generation is my age, they won’t know how to have a real conversation.
        If your looking for real meaningful friendships, these days, I don’t think your not likely to have many of them – if you have one, consider yourself lucky.

    • Eilish says:

      Oh, how I miss my work friends!! I have several friends that I have known most of my life; in fact, I have no friends that I haven’t known for 20 years or more. Trouble is, we’ve drifted far distances in life, then just three years ago I finally got the courage to leave AZ and the husband from whom I had been legally separated since 2008. Even more miles!

      My new husband (whom I’ve known since I was 11) lives in a very small, conservative town and I am a whole lot more liberal in my leanings. I’m also ex-Mormon, and we tend towards disbelief period. I thought to make friends here by joining the gym but the older people seem to have known each other forever, so after a couple of years I’ve kind of given that up. I dunno, it seems like a lot of work at 60! My husband’s siblings are a lot older than he, very loving to me but also live at quite a distance so we only get together about once a month – often at a hospital. Heh.

      Unfortunately, his mother lived with a pilot while her husband was dying from black lung, leaving him with 5 boys under the age of 12. My ex husband’s first wife cheated on him for 15 years according to neighbors; do I need to add how much he hates and distrusts women? About 12 years into the marriage my brother in law told me the whole story, but my ex was so emotionally abusive that I became very ill to the point of disability.

      So, yeah, I really do miss my friends who are so far away. My new husband is still working, so moving is probably out for another 5 years. Sigh.

      Two of my three sons have rejected me for their adopted father who was truly the most marvelous dad I’ve ever seen. I think that hurts more than nearly everything I’ve gone through and some of it is doozy, what with raising 9 kids and working full time!

    • Morgan says:

      Linda,

      It won’t pass unless you get going. If you want your relationship with your husband to improve someone hast to take action to make a change. You know the definition of insanity so don’t keep doing the same things and expect a different result. I’m alone and for a time I felt sorry for myself. I realize only I can make that change just like the rest of the people on this site. If we want it bad enough it can happen. I wouldn’t feel badly about your friends if all they actually want to do is contrary to your interests. Surely they must enjoy doing other things than drinking and looking for men. Perhaps you can initiate a dinner at your house or cards and snacks. You and all of us are only limited by our own actions.
      Hugs,

      Morgan

      • Linda says:

        Thank you. I will try.

      • Sol says:

        True, you are the only one who can change your life. When I saw the video How thoughs create Reality, I was so impressed about the power we have, to make our life better and better and I did. I married at 52 and I had a wonderful life, I was so happy that I wrote a book A Click That Changed My Life, then after 8 years my husband died and I was lost, but I found that video and I recovered my faith in life and I am the prove that everyone can change his/her life if they want to be happy or even have whatever they want. Never give up, blessings.

    • Sabrina says:

      I think this age is rough. I’m 59 and I do a lot of reflectintg. Life has not been what I tought it would be.
      Finance is a struggle and its hard to do it by yourself. Friendship, I’ve learned not to trust. There a so many people are angry. They may not show it but they’re full of disappointed. I steer clear, but life isn’t fun at this time.

      • Dee says:

        I agree Sabrina. I will make friends with someone and then they will turn on me or dump me for no reason that I can fathom. I don’t know why women are so fickle. I am also 59 and I can’t stop thinking about turning 60…it freaks me out. I am married to a former alcoholic and our two boys are full of anger and resentment. No one is successful or happy in this family and I have no idea how to remedy the situation. I don’t work but would love to find something interesting to do. I need something to give me a reason to live.

        • Sol says:

          Please my dear, I beg you to see Louise Hay’s videos on YTube. You can change your life for real, it cost nothing, but your time. A big hug

        • Nell says:

          Dee,

          I have had the same experience as you with the “making and keeping friends” issue. I really have no close female friend–so I am unsure if there is something generated from me that causes me not to connect with people. Puzzled?

        • Unique1 says:

          Sabrina and Dee I live in the Philadelphia area.

          Hi Margie….I live in the Philadelphia area…

          I am 51 yrs old and been retired/disabled since 2006 and boy I never thought that I’d be this lonely. I live in Pa. and have tried meeting new female friends, but I didn’t realize how hard it was to do so at my age. I’ve had a best friend since middle school, but after about 20 yrs or so I moved an 1 hr. away and she’s only came to visit me 4x’s. I’ve gone to visit her more x’s than I can count. I live 2 miles from a casino and she has come to the casino and doesn’t even call to say I’m in your area. I’d call her, she would be busy or tired and say she’ll call back, I wouldn’t hear back from her unless I called. I have been there any time that she asked for any cookout or funeral whenever she needed me, wish I could say the same, oh well……I’m just tired of a one way friendship, always being the one reaching out all the time.
          I live in Pa. and you can message me here yicra nine two five, numerical numbers at aol dot com. I have tried meeting new female friends, but I didn’t realize how hard it was to do so at my age. It would be nice to have friends which I can talk to or just hangout with. Hell, it would be nice to even receive an email every now and then.

  25. Ruth Whetsel says:

    Well, something’s working. This site seems to be collecting a lot of good people who are candid about being at a loss but not trapped by feelings of victimhood. Maybe that’s a beginning. I hope I can join in with you once I find a few right words. For now I can say that I relate to much of what’s said on this friendship blog and would like to send you good wishes. Ruth Whetsel

  26. Charles says:

    At least you have a “few friends.” I think dying alone is the best way to leave this world. If you are surrounded by “love ones” you may start to feel that you don’t want to go just yet. If you die alone, you will have a feeling of peace; thinking… Thank God, the pain and suffering will soon be over.

    Believe me, life after 60 is not worth living. The world is for the young. Let them have it along with all their gadgets.

    Dr. Levine’s recommendations: Getting involved with cultural, political, or social groups, volunteer work, etc. is plain and simple hypocrisy. Are you getting involved because you have a real desire to help people or society or just top meet people: Answer: just to meet people.

    Anyway, who wants to live to be old anyway.

    • Irene says:

      Hi Charles,

      When someone is depressed, everything can seem bleak and hopeless.

      In response to your comment, getting involved with people can be rewarding both to you and to the people whom you’re helping/meeting.

      I can’t begin to guess what situation or problems you are facing but if thoughts of death and dying are predominating your thinking, you should reach out for help.

      • A free 24-hour National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (funded by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services) is available to people in crisis (or their loved ones) at 1-800-273-TALK (8255). Calls are routed to local crisis centers.

      • In the UK or Ireland, Samaritans offers confidential support at 08457 90 90 90.

      My best, Irene

    • Sol says:

      Charles,
      It is not necessary to do something that you don’t want to do, but you will feel better if you can be helpful for someone or even if you have a pet that depends on you, or plants you can make grow with you care and love. The entire Universe is waiting for your commands to give you what you want, when you decide to connect with the Energy that created you and everything you see. You still have lots to do in this world, open your eyes and your mind and look around. God bless you.
      Sol

      • Robin says:

        “Friendship” based on serving others is not friendship.
        That’s called codependecy
        People will only contact you when they want something from you.
        And the Universe is not “waiting for your commands”. If that were true, alot fewer people would be hungry or in chronic pain.

  27. rhoda says:

    hey all i have read your stories and all i can say is iam here to be your good friends i am a young lady but married to a much oldre man so at times i get bored but i decided to do voluntary work in my community and by this i make friends but i still need more because i know you people out there in europe you have got a lot to throw away and those old shoes or clothes if collected can be given to the poor and disadvantaged here in uganda and by you doing this you will be the happiest and you wont even feel alone any more .just think about you bringing a smile on someones face by giving them an old dress how will you feel?

  28. Brian says:

    All stress is caused by comparing what is…..with what we think it should be.
    The secret is to deal with what we can change… or move on from that which we cannot.
    Live in the present… and use the following mantra daily:
    I am well, I am beautiful, I am me….Say it daily looking in the mirror and then smile.
    We and we alone select our thoughts….Choose to be happy….smile and move on.Let your motive be…who can I make happy today?
    Just saying :)
    Have a great day everyone:)
    Brian

    • lynne says:

      I have seen so many people here with problems like me ,61 no friends at all, so sad and lonely. I ‘ve tried everything, eamined myself, has anyone actually managed to get past this and found friends?

      • Judy Bolen says:

        Hi Lynne, I am in the same boat. Same age and everything. Where do u live? I like this website but have found no one near me with whom to hook up for some social time. My hubby passed 3 yrs ago and I had lots of friends and such but it didn’t take them long to disappear. Don’t know what I could have done. I never dwelled on being a widow. My kids have their own lives and 1 lives quite far away, so here I am.
        Just Judy

      • Phyllis Clark says:

        OMG, I just turned 60 and although I can identify with the occasional loneliness because I am single, I still have a career and work. Stop acting as though your life is over. 60 is the new 40. I have been through menopause, have come to terms with my weight gain and continue to struggle with the whole idea that I just turned 60 but still think like 40…no grandchildren, single, and still involved in a career which gives me a reason to get out of bed 5 days a week with a purpose. Your life is not over..if you are retired or do not work, find a hobby or join a group of mature people who walk, dine out, go to the theater, etc. there is a website called meetup.com where you can find groups based on your interest to meet with.
        You have to make an effort and get out to meet people…they wont come to you if you sit in your house feeling sorry for yourself and thinking you are old and useless…you have a lot to give and a good deal of life left to enjoy if you just realize it

        • Anne says:

          Hi again, Judy & all… SOoo many typos (since using tiny cell phone keyboard). Sorry! And please translate best you can. Thank you!

        • Lynne says:

          Phylis I KNOW I have a lot to give and I am not old. I get out as much as I can, I do things on my own, there is not so much around here . I talk and smile with people wherever possible , shop assistants anyone I can . People seem to have their established groups of friends and somehow I don’t seem to have what it takes to be included. Invitations for a coffee etc don’t get any definite response. No way am I looking for a man for a relationship just a good female friend for a chat now and again would be a great start. When I had a career and children my life was full , now I don’t work some good friends have died and family have moved on it is very different. Please don’t imagine we are all feeling sorry for ourselves for no reason – most of us have tried extremely hard but it gets very depressing after a long time of no progress and perhaps a little more understanding from people like you, who might sense a need in others, and we would find friends. After all i don’t think any of us want to come across as needy so unlike children we can’t just say “will you be my friend?! How many times have you extended an invitation to someone you hardly know who is living alone? I try to keep as upbeat as i can every day I am putting on a mask of happiness.

          • Anne says:

            Dear Lynne- What you summed up here seems like a perfect description of the awkward circumstance often happening to us even when positive efforts are made. So I just wanted to send a thank you for the nice explanation (now that I have keyboard working ok). Also, after ongoing “mask of happiness” I am starting to feel so worn out. So does anyone think leaning on another via counseling help revive that “fake it ’til you make it” approach? Or is counseling only going to help one deal with fears, issues, etc.? …Just wondering, since now my buffer is suddenly melting & I am beginning to wake with major nightmares about isolation + withdrawing as I’ve recently lost faith in my putting on a good show.

            • jacqueline says:

              Lynne:

              I urge you to seek counselling asap! This is not a sign of weakness. Everyone needs help now and then. A professional is trained to listen and help you get through the difficult times.

              Maybe you are going through a depression and need medication to get through this?

              • Jacqueline says:

                Dear Jacqueline – Thank you for your kind feedback re: counseling. It suddenly makes sense that feeling isolated is creating a true depression. Therefore, finding counseling may help in many ways. …So time to seek some strong channel for pulling out of depression. Thanks again for your sincere response to those, like me, that may be struggling with symptoms of feeling alone.

                • jacqueline says:

                  You’re very welcome. Glad to help. Please let us know how it goes…I would be happy if you posted that you actually called and make an appointment!

                  • Anne says:

                    Alright, dear Jacqueline, because of your loving encouragement, I commited to meeting with a counselor at the end of this week. I still need to fit in a car mechanic session to wrap up a minor repair prior to driving to this counselor’s locale that is a bit of a distance from my place. So I need to not “chicken out” & skip car-fix as a way to sabatoge appt.. But I’ll try to keep the faith & handle what’s needed & move forward! I’m worn but feeling your kindness will keep me on track. :) Thanks again for connecting like a sincerly helpful person! Warmly, Anne

                    • jacqueline says:

                      I am soooooooooooooo proud of you, Anne! Let me know how the appointment goes.

                    • Anne says:

                      Hi again, Jacqueline – I’ll definitely update you on how things go. …And scanned post, – more typos: supposed to say “committed” not “commited”. Oops. Ok, bye for now & have a great Tuesday. :)

                • jacqueline says:

                  BTW, Lynne…are you also “JACQUELINE”??? My nickname is “Jacqui”. :)

                • Sheri says:

                  Lynne: There are very good replies here to what a lot of us going through. I just wanted to say to please be very careful about medication. It is prescribed quite easily and there is a lot of controversy. You will get through this tough time in your life if you reach out. Looks like that is what you are doing.

                  I don’t know where you live, but have you ever looked at http://www.meetup.com? There are all sorts of categories that meet regularly in areas all over the country in just about any subject you can think of; even just “girlfriends meet.” And, yes, women in their 50′s, 60′s and beyond.

                  • judy says:

                    well I came her to have some contact with others and share ideas or maybe meet a few people, BUT this whole bit about therapy and maybe meds, etc, etc, etc IS what is depressing! I won’t be hanging around here. :(

                    • Gina says:

                      Hey Judy,

                      Please read wrote my response below was to Jacqueline. She really pushed someone into therapy and meds. It is not what we all need. Please read my response to her and my story….I also wrote a thread on Life Changes Mid Life Crisis….
                      I hope you take what you need from this site and leave the rest. There are some really good people on here. Read below from Gina to Jacqueline.

                      Gina

          • Mary says:

            I couldn’t figure myself out until I read the posts here. I have always been full of joy about life and have had friends. I took care of my mother for 13 years and separated from my husband during this time. In a nutshell, nobody who was close to me seems to care or even notice me any longer. I have slowly become isolated. I rarely get a phone call anymore. My friends who do call and care, live states away. My two brothers and sister have told me they “don’t like me” and I never hear from them. It just seems so strange that this is happening to me because in the past, I enjoyed many friends, was homecoming queen in college, etc. I have recently moved back to a town where I used to live 30 years ago; my brother and wife who live here don’t call and I don’t know people here any longer. I get the feeling that people are annoyed with me when I’m around. Life is so strange as I head onto my senior years.

            • Veronica says:

              Linda, I am a loner also. Married somewhat and still working just to have something to do. Kids and grandkids are gone. I come in from work and go directly to my bedroom till morning. I’m sad, lonely, withdrawn and here lately have wished it was all over.

              I truly hope you are doing better.

            • Nancy says:

              I have also stumbled upon this website. I have read quite a few comments. I too feel like I have slowly become isolated. I work alot of hours in healthcare and miss so many events at church or a singles group. I am 61 and in my younger days experienced alot of betrayal and heartbreak. But all we have is this day and I pray that I bring joy to others even in small ways. With no family except 2 sisters in other states and a son who has had little to do with me in years, it is sometimes very lonely. My dog and cat are a great comfort but hard to meet people doing private caregiving.

          • colin says:

            I have to agree with you Lynne and know exactly how you feel. I am 61 and have given up with the mask of happiness. I am fast becoming a miserable old git lol.I exercise and run regularly to keep body and soul together but dont socialise.Im having problems at work and would like a change, but doing what? Seem to have lost my get up and go. Even thinking of others far worse of than myself makes no difference.Visited the doctor for a chat months ago,what a waste of time. It seems we just have to put up with it and try to overcome these miserable feelings on our own.

            • jacqueline says:

              No Colin, you do not have to “put up with it and try to get over these miserable feelings on our own”. Find another doctor! It sounds like you are depressed.

            • Gina says:

              Colin,

              I think it would be a good idea if Irene would talk about Mid Life Crisis at our age. Many of us are going through that and we are not depressed.

              I find comments about people pushing others to go see a therapist or take meds…and it really bothers me alot. I was in your position and talked to my internist , he knows I have never been depressed even though I have had struggles in my life.

              We talked about what I was feeling, that at 59 into 60 my life is lonely, friends are disappearing because married friends now have children, grand kids and we no longer have the commonality, also they are doing things , going places with other couples…again we loose the commonality. Many many people our age are facing mid life crisis at this age due to those circumstances as we find ourselves alone, and hobbies, likes dislikes are changing.
              It does not mean we are depressed. It just means a life change because we now know that 2/3′s of our life is over and if we do not go,do what we want to now it may be too late if we continue to wait.

              Many couples go through mid life crisis at an earlier age, when their kids are out of the house ( empty nest) and gone , and the couple has to relook at their marriage and again find what made them fall in love becaus their lives focused on their kids and jobs and now they find themselves alone together again as they first began. This is a time when many cheat, they have forgotten how to date, and what made them fall in love in the first place because their focus changes.

              They from what my internist said they go through mid life earlier than someone like me who is 60 and alone with no husband, kids nor grandkids…We are going through it later.
              I asked what do I do and he just said know you are going through it take one day at a time and before you know it it will be over. And it is…I am still alone but now it has a name and I am not worried about it anymore.

              Not everyone needs meds or therapy Jacqueline.
              Pushing someone into something they many not need can be hurtful, let people find out themselves what is going on..Most of us know inside if we are willing to look there.

              • jacqueline says:

                Gina:

                No one is pushing anyone into anything. We all go through tough times, Gina. Sometimes, if things seem too much and we can’t cope, can’t sleep, can’t eat, don’t have anyone we can confide in, then it is a good idea and a healthy idea to speak to a professional, who will decide, together with the patient, whether or not further treatment or medication is necessary.

                And, taking medication, whether long or short-term can be beneficial to one’s well-being. Not everyone is able to get through life’s humps by themselves. Having someone who is professionally trained is also a healthy solution for someone who suffers inside. Going for help is not a sign of weakness, but a sign of strength.

                • jacqueline says:

                  P.S. to Gina: When your quality of life was suffering, you were smart enough to speak to your doctor, who happened to be your internist. “I am not worried about it anymore” because you were able to talk to your doctor about it and your concerns were laid to rest. That is and was exactly my point.

                  • Gina says:

                    Jacqueline, First of all my quality of life was not suffering it was changing. I went in for my routine check up with an internist and asked my doc what he thought was going on.
                    2nd of all you seem to be pushing everyone you talked to on this site into therapy and meds . Unless your an MD and know their history, I would highly suggest that you talk to them kindly first, make some suggestions for resolution, and pushing them into therapy or meds they may not need is not your job unless you are their MD.
                    Just FYI
                    Listen to what they are saying just because someone is lonely does not mean they are depressed. NOT EVERYONE needs a therapist or meds and that is no up to you to determine. Your not an MD. LISTEN to what they are saying , be supportive, not attacking like you came at me, and suggest certain things and then kindly say if you feel the need to talk to a therapist go ahead, unless someone is talking about suicide ( and yes I am trained in this) then it is a responsibility to contact Dr. Irene so she can contact appropriate assistance for that person immeidiately. We do not want anyone to die Period. The key word is LISTEN don’t push.

            • Lynne says:

              Colin, It is hard, I know where you are coming from . Jacqueline will no doubt diagnose depression and medication . I say of course we are b****y depressed but a good talk and a night out with a mate would solve most of our problems and we have no doubt all arrived here on this site when we are at our most desperate and feeling at our most lonely. Today I feel O’k . I tell myself to learn to enjoy the solitary life. I know I cannot indefinitely. I have had a nice walk in the countryside here in beautiful , glorious England. Tomorrow may be a different story. I don’t want to wallow in a mutual pit of misery. I have found some good support and understanding here. Unfortunately we cannot all meet up, if we could would we all like each other? Everyone seems really nice , why are we all in this position. Lots of love to you. I will send positive ,magical thoughts to you all. Somethings Got to work!
              Lynne

            • Genya says:

              Hey Colin: Just a thought, maybe check in with a life coach, I just had the pleasure of being offered soem ‘wind assist’ from a retired life coach who still wants to work a bit, she lives in a seniors complex I work at. What a lift that has been, doesn;t solve everything, but lends focus for energy in positive directions. I wanted to share that. Cheers.

        • Genya says:

          Phyllis: Thanks, that’s the spirit and kind of sisterly advice that just lights a fire to stay the course, don’t give up so easily. I have heard that from a few other women, when you get past the meno phase, you break free to a whole new energy level, some women say they never felt better! 60 is the new 40!! I’m not oevr the meno hump, but plan to make it good, ride the waves of change…land on a new shore with ever more wisdom and good cheer. Having said that, it can still be a challenge to make new, meaningful friendships. Lots of casual friends are good too though, just can’t share as much, must keep firm boundaries, share when it is safe to do so. To be honest, we get picky and rightfully so. Lots of messed up people in the world, projecting their crap on nice people all the time. It is what it is. You can get a lot of joy from a beloved pet as well. Going for a dog walk is always great , the exercise alone is awesome, and you meet people every time, the outgoing energy of (friendly) dogs helps people socialize more too. Cheers all.

          • Gina says:

            Hi Everyone I don’t know if or who believes in God but I do and I got this today via email and thought it might just fit some of us.So just to share here it is….

            “Everyone has opportunities to get upset and be frustrated every single day. Sometimes it’s the little things — we can’t find the car keys, traffic is backed up, somebody was rude, or what should have taken an hour ends up taking four hours. Something happened and now you are frustrated and all bent out of shape. There will always be something that can sour your day, but if you are going to live in victory, you have to maintain the right approach. You can’t let the little foxes spoil the vine. In other words, don’t let the little things in life spoil the harvest God has for your future.

            I’ve heard it said, “Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you respond.” Make sure you respond to life with an attitude of faith and expectancy. Sure, things may irritate you, but don’t let that irritation last into the next moment. Let it go. Don’t try to control everything around you. Instead, release it to God knowing that His plans are for your good, and He is leading and guiding you in the path of blessing.”
            Joel Osteen Ministries

        • Maria says:

          I love your positive attitude, Phyllis, way to go.

        • Unique1 says:

          Hi Phyllis…..
          I’m in the Philadelphia area and have been looking to meet female friends also. Been retired/disabled since 2006 and boy I never thought that I’d be this lonely at this age. I have tried meeting new female friends,I didn’t realize how HARD it is to do over 40. I’m just tired of a one way friendship, always being the one reaching out all the time, you can get at me here, yicra nine two five, numerical numbers at America on line dot com. It would be nice to have friends which I can talk to or just hangout with. Hell, it would be nice to even receive an email every now and then.

      • Gina says:

        Lynne,

        Yes I have finally made some new friends, In fact we had an apt complex Halloween party for the condo apts I live in. I pushed myself to go and found I have actually made many friends. I went out for lunch with a friend I reconnected with and we laughed so hard, I cried. She is very busy so I know our frienship is here and there with her working 60 hr weeks and then two grown children, grandchildren and her husband who is also my friend.
        I also met a HS best friend in Lake Geneva for lunch and we had a blast and are planning on meeting again. This will be a distant relationship but more by email and the occasional lunch as they are retiring in TN soon.
        For those with kids they are looking forward to mid life, as they have been taking care of someone else all their lives. For me it was totally different. I am alone since 1982 and only did what I wanted to do and lived a full life, now I am ready to settle down.
        The secret was and is, knowing I was in mid life and that it had a name and will go away in time. I now have more energy and get out more than before. I actually met a man at Sam’s club and we talked and laughed, and exchanged numbers. He said he was divorced but on the way home, he called and said ” I should have told you but I am married” I just said sorry I am not interested in married me, so please remove me from your cell. I never heard from him again but if I am now putting out good vibes, there is someone just around the corner for me. I make sure I look good when I go out, hair done, makeup, and generally cleanly dressed.

        • Gina says:

          PS to Jacqueline….this is a site for people to make their thoughts and feelings known to complete strangers which is sometimes easier than friends.
          If you do not like what is posted on here, take what you need and leave the rest. I noticed the girl you tried to push into therapy and meds has not ever gotten back to you…to me it was her way to just let you go. You pushed and pushed and then pushed even more to have her put on here that she made her appt …that is no one’s business especially yours. You must walk gentley here….as I said take what you need and leave the rest and hold no grudges…we are all different.

          • Hi Gina,

            People see things through different lenses and make a variety of recommendations. No one here, including me, knows exactly what is the “right” thing for a given individual.

            All we can do is listen, support and make suggestions based on our own knowledge, experience, and perceptions of what we read. The person receiving the suggestions has to decide what to listen to and what to dismiss.

            Just like you, Jacqueline was offering support and advice. In fact, her suggestion seemed to resonate with Anne. Obviously, your perspective, opinions, and style may be different. But that’s what makes these threads so valuable.

            Best, Irene

            • Anne says:

              Hello again… & thanks Irene for articulating how someone like me might resonate with a suggestion. It’s so interesting that while I review & see different styles of input from everyone that I was & am appreciating the “coming together” on your forum. Yet I am a gal whose career was based in high profile techie-media beginnings (innovation role with the Bill Gates colleague circles) that involved the original development of bringing the internet into the mainstream. So my sense of looking at communications coming through media channels will include understanding that dialogue shared is still allowing my independent choices. It can’t affect me in any pushy way. I read between the lines & just appreciate each persons effort to share views. I also am grateful that others may be concerned for those that do feel influenced when reading a more direct communicator. In my case though, no worries, I’ve been busy making various decisions to make life better lately; so didn’t feel pushed. I took Jacqueline’s sharing as more of a “be careful” suggestion that includes her “matter of fact” style. And knew she is with good intentions & appreciated that. But I also know each processes interaction from their own place of perception. So it is wise, I suppose, for myself & others to slow down & be discerning while in dialogue during vulnerable times. Glad everyone here does reveal lots to contemplate & thanks again Dr. Irene for the reminder that naturally we each perceive & express in our own ways. …Long ago, that was one the goals & hopes of developing modern “communication tools”: to enter into “connection” with all sorts of opinions & people at lightening speed. So bottom line for me is I am glad during my current feeling “empty-nested” that I am lucky I can find such good, caring people to “be there” for each other. This site is therefore something positive no matter what’s different about each other. You are all kind to come here & be supportive in each ones individual way. It’s definitely appreciated! :) …Oh last thing, I never take meds since being an ultra-allergy type; so no health professional gets that going my way (unless I land in the icu unit after some emergency). But I really appreciate that health concern, too. (I realize some do seem to line prescriptions up for folk too often.) …’Hope everyone can keep moving forward & find balance during these lonely situations. ‘Have a decent weekend all & ttys. Sincerely, Anne

              • Irene says:

                You probably stated my sentiments more eloquently than me, Anne. Have a great weekend.

                Best, Irene

                • Anne says:

                  Thanks for the validation, dear Irene. However, I scanned my post once more (after submission); & so I ought to add a quick apology for some of the rambling plus any choppy parts. …This week I’ve been rushing around doing several errands; then manage to squeeze in a tiny bit of online time. Well, that approach always results in sloppy writing! So thanks y’all for times of translation. …And at least my main points appear to make some sense. lol ~That’s it for now. Salute, Anne

              • Gina says:

                Irene and Anne,
                Thanks to you both for clarifying for all of us, that yes we are all different. I do think though that alot of us at this age of being around 60 are going through life changes…Mid Life for different reasons. We will all handle it our own way. Life throws things at all of us and we handle them differently.
                Anne thank you for clarifying you know that meds are not the answer for you and you did not feel pushed by Jacqueline. It is all about communication like this…It is a wonderful site.

                • Anne says:

                  Hi Gina – And your welcome…plus THANK YOU for what you said. I definitely am in a late mid-life crisis & hope to sort out which way to recover. In fact, all of your posts I’ve noticed help me do such “figuring out”. So thanks for being here! ‘Hope your are doing well overall. :) ~Ttfn, Anne

                  • Gina says:

                    Anne, You are truly welcome. I think you are smart enough to sort things out and figure out what you need to do. We all have that little intuitive voice inside and if we listen we can follow what we need to do. ( now I am not talking about hearing voices) to clarify that for some. Sometimes I think we are afraid to move ahead because change can be scary. Yet think about it, we change daily….is it scary then, no we never even notice it. We go with the flow but when people question us, we can sometimes think they know more than we do and shut ourselves down to the very solution we need to find our own answers. Not everyone has the same ones. :)

                    • Anne (still tired, so again please translate jiffy jotting...THNX! :)) says:

                      Hi Gina,
                      I love your nice wisdom here. It builds back my sense of getting in touch with natursl intuition. So thank you for stating this truth that we can tunr in & go with the flow & figure out what works. Also, I didn’t want to play the “pity-me” card or feel weird disclosing why I have a sense of recent lack of roots & purpose & direction. Yet, since everyone is so kind here, guess I will add my real, whole picture that explains why it seems tricky to be in tune with my intuition at this stage of my life. SOoo fact is, besides normal age phase + normal “empty nest” phase – well, I happened to recently wrap up my major professional channel not to retire but because money-launderers wiped out company …THEN where I recently rebuilt & resituated myself, wildfires hit at high speed & I’ve lost everything. Then FEMA gets in touch & updates me on my case while I am staying now at guest room at relatives & a FEMA-rep apologizes & says somehow their “red tape” has gotten tangled up & my i.d. & case-file has fallen through the cracks & nothing was corrected or deciphered until after all funds for this particular fire were slready allocated & sent out. Oh my gosh – I don’t know how to tune in & trust any flowing forward while first still needing a raft to float on! Plus I am not resting well after such ehacko stuff has ruined my practical world. Then, like many here, others had been close yo have either moved on or out of the area. Sooo sorry to burden you – everyone with such extra unfortunate “stuff”, but thought I ought to go ahead & be spelling out why it is nice to hear some “cheerleading” about the future. …And prior to seeing the warm friendship offered in “pen-pal style” here, I had even looked at the mentioned co-op community in Canada since family roots csme from there (especially lots that were even founders of Quebec area…hmm, maybe that’s why I translate Jacqurline’s style just fine – we’re probably related. lol). ANYWAY, point is it felt so cloudy lately as I’ve twice been drastically cut-off from my regular lifestyle & am tired as I hang out at clueless, robot relatives that ignore me & my new alone situation. To touch base here is helping me get grounded again & yes, I will tune in & go with the flow as we all can. I suppose it will just take me a bit to do so since I first have to trust others again & build a sense of an anchor after what feels like tsunsmi waves hit me personally. But as I do try to figure out how to pull out of this feeling & actually being strande; it is wonderful to hear this circle be reminding me of what is normal & natural & intuitive. You are right, Gina, inside we can tell which way to flow. Just have to get more help to get my feet on the ground & not wear out while I bend forward & try big efforts to pull out of my current quicksand-sense after some bad waves came out of nowhere & wiped me off my normal path. -An old colleague is moving into those community-shared places. So maybe I will have to learn more here about that option. We shall see… One step at a time. -Okay, done with this embarrassing dob story! And c’est la vie, heh? – But as I regroup AGAIN, it is a mini-miracle to have positive prople share here. So thanks again, Gina… & everyone. :)
                      Warm regards~Anne
                      (“getting on track” in Calif.)

                    • Anne says:

                      Oh my – I was able to now take time to review & see a bunch of typos. Like “dob story” that is supposed to say “sob story”. So sorry. Please try to figure out basics in that long post. …I am on the tiny cell phone keyboard & it is “doing it’s own thing” half the time. I’m even triple-checking this note due to cell phone scrambling letters right now. ….Thanks for your patience! (I hope to get to my solid pc-tablet soon & type easily soon. :) ) ~Anne

      • Gale says:

        Add me to the list. My husband died almost two years ago, and I was laid off from work a few weeks later. My friends have disappeared. It’s lonely and hard. I’m surprised that others are also having this problem. I thought it was peculiar to the area in which I live.

        I’ve recently decided to change my goal from making friends to enjoying the company of like-minded people. Not expecting friendship will lessen the disappointment of not finding it I think. I’m planning on attending a new church, one that has activities for 60+ members, and I plan also to join a large gym frequented by other retirees. Volunteering is another option.

        Wishing everyone good friends.

        • Ann says:

          Stir me into this pot too!! Just started a new job/career line 4 months ago. left my old line of work out of boredom and frustration. I’m still a little nervous about starting a new line of work at my age – especially since it involves hi-tech. I live in a dismally small town on the Great Plains where single women are looked on with mistrust and probably even envy. Educated ones such as myself are never looked at by men here – who generally are not educated. My 6 friends dearest to me are my 3 dogs and cats. I play the piano a lot and that helps. I would love to make connections with great people like all the ones I’ve read about here. Even better if we could connect more locally. I’ve been married enough for this life-time and I’m not interested in that anymore – just looking for like-minded people. Please take care all!

          • Gale says:

            Ann, congratulations on your new career! You’ll do just fine. Along with age comes valuable, diverse experience. I can certainly relate to living in a dismally small town. To escape, I travel at least 30 minutes one way. I tried to avoid traveling, but I was too much of an alien.

            I’m thankful for my animals too.

          • Gina says:

            Anne and Gale, Congratulations to you both on finding some new things to get involved with.
            Gale, even though you have your animals they give unconditional love and I imagine you do as well.
            You both seem to be finding things to do I admire you both.

            • Anne says:

              Thanks Gina! There does seem to be plenty in life to jump into… Just wish I didn’t have my Calif. pals leave the area awhile back. If any west coasters here, feel free to touch base. It’d be nice to sense more are out this way. :) -Ttfn, Anne

        • Jimmie says:

          Gale, I love your comment. You are positive about your analysis and acceptance of the “making friends issue.” I hope I can be motivated like you. Most of the time I am a mess or I make myself a mess. Hope to improve!

          • Gale says:

            Jimmie, I do have to have stern talks with myself about my new goal. I attended a meeting last week, and two ladies whom I know from a church we all attended were there. They talked to me about our common goal of finding a new church, but they didn’t invite me to join them in their search. Like you, I am often a mess and in disbelief about my predicament. I once told someone I was sad that my son had to go everywhere by himself. She said, “No, he went with himself.” This is what you and I will do. When you go out with yourself, pretend I am with you. I’ll be there in spirit cheering you on.

      • Margie says:

        Hi Lynne,
        I too am over 60 and feeling so lonely as well. Feel free to email me. Funny how life has changed when we reach this age. I have two children who have their own lives. Where do you live?
        Hope things turn around for you and all who are experiencing this loneliness.
        Margie

      • Paula says:

        Sounds like a video on How thoughts create reality really helped you. I could use a reminder to Never give up on life, despite the how lonely it can sometimes feel. I’d be interested in watching it. What video was it? Congrats to you on your book.

        Paula

    • Jimmie says:

      Great advice, Brian. Your words of inspiration have made my day. I have been a little depressed today. Thank you–and I am going to print your statements and focus on them to help me have a great day today and every day. Thanks, again.

    • Ellie says:

      Brian, I stumbled across this blog as a result of feeling alone and lonely. Intellectually what you state in your blog is the truth. Emotionally, I feel people just have those moments when they feel like the ground they’re standing on is moving out from under them. We shouldn’t judge our insides by someone’s outside. However, many of us do let our minds trick us into thinking we are more alone or lonely until we stumble upon the next blog. I’m ambivalent about sending my story out into cyber space, but if it helps someone or if I receive good things back in return it’s a win win for those of us who need the lift. Sit back, grab a coffee,tea, beer, wine or water- this will take a bit to read. Let’s get past the horrible childhood, dysfunctional family, born poor, homeless and all the stuff I did actually recognize and face to move forward in life. I waited to marry and at the age of 23 I said I do. He was a good man, funny, non judgmental, a bit rigid in his Italian upbringing. We had little money and managed never to argue if you didn’t count our differences on raising children without hitting. Those words would fly. Our eldest, a young 29 year old and now married lives with his wife. I don’t see much of him but when I do I try to soak up what time he has to give. Since 1981 and the “I do” rang out I became the sum of my marriage and my family. Our second child was born in 1988 a beautiful little girl. She is the light in my day. No, it wasn’t like that in the beginning. The relationship grew stronger because while I gave birth my husband was diagnosed with Chronic Progressive Multiple Sclerosis. He hid it for seven years so he could be accepted and work. Now nearly 26 years later I look back and feel like I have been through several wars and there are four casualties. I don’t make light of that statement. I realize the effects of war for those in it and the families who deal with it as well. I thought I had the big picture when he became totally disabled in 1994. I went to work, weaving a bit of college in, back to work…. our accountant was amazed by our meager sums. I was working 4-5 jobs. I managed my time around my children. My daughter is presently working on an English PHD through a Fellowship program. Yes, her GPA has never gone lower than a 3.9, she has worked and helped her mom and dad when her brother didn’t think twice of not helping. She did all of her accomplishments thus far on Scholarships SHE applied her self to. Yes, I’m proud, and I share that with a tear soaked pillow alone each night. When my husband was first diagnosed our friends parted company from us slowly. We couldn’t keep up with them financially or on my husband’s part physically. I put all of what I had in making a life for my family. I told my daughter we run for those that can’t….she understood by watching her Dad. We push on because there are those that don’t think they can. Yes, I’ve been positive and coming from my childhood one would be amazed I survived as long as I have. Here is where the story takes a few steps backwards…..I was diagnosed with a rare cancer causing genetic disease in 2004 at the age of 46. My husband didn’t understand life with him was like raising 3 children, I just ignored that part. I was busy trying to keep all three clothed and fed with a roof over our heads. The world just stopped, my daughter then 16 and my son 20, I went on as if it was just another bump in the road. Well needless to say things that could go wrong did. All the while my husband couldn’t comprehend what was going on. So I had major life saving surgeries in 2004, followed by my sons in 2005, and my little girl in 2006. We were sideswiped with an illness nobody in my family had ever experienced or even heard of. You see I don’t know who my father is and it’s not a recessive gene, only one parent has this disease so since mom is 75 and healthy I suppose it was the biological father/donor I never had the chance to know. A hard road to hoe as they say went before us. There is so much I could say but for now you get the “Readers Digest” version. MY children and I stay healthy, maintenance visits to a major Cancer facility. My husband after our surgeries and finding a tumor which is inoperable but benign in 2007 I received Chemotherapy for, just hoping it would keep the tumor from exceeding a certain size. It causes pain now and again but we deal.I went for a promotion and kept working while receiving Chemotherapy. My husband do to his own insistence fell down a flight of stairs. Left unconscious, for me to find when I came home to feed him. We didn’t qualify for custodial care for him and I needed to make more money and not at the job I had because it took too much physically out of me. We nursed my husband out of a coma, only to realize two years later in 2009 he would be safer in a Nursing Home. Cognitively, he has dementia, and physically the M.S. robbed him of his physical side decades earlier. My daughter was now overwhelmed with her parents and to be a better parent my children and I had to make a decision I see now as the only one good for my husband. He is thriving socially in the nursing home and we, his family are distant memories. Yes, we visit when we can and talk often, somehow it is the most heartbreaking conversations one could have just from “hello” the big picture is like the movie, “The Money Pit.” The exception is we’re people. We look great, we maintain our health, our jobs, work and school. The two kids are now 25 and 29 one is married and the other planning her wedding. As for Chemotherapy and me I’ve been through it twice while working. I received that promotion in 2005 just before Chemotherapy. I’ve been at my job since 9/4/1996, I’m employed independent, at fifty five and 4’11 I still remain grateful for all my days. I recognize I’m blessed. I also recognize as my children have told me living alone. I never had a chance to form a partnership with my husband,due to his health. After my health scare I long for relationships, friends, a companion to hold a hands and share memories and dreams with. I will stay married for now as the man I did marry I recognize as doing nothing wrong, he got ill when we were too young to think this through. Like an welcomed guest M.S. over stayed it’s welcome. Now, my adult children feel like I deserve happiness, friends and love. At fifty five it isn’t so easy…..remember our lives were very insulated for so long to protect my husbands feelings of self consciousness and his personal thoughts …. to pretend it was all alright. Yes, I know what it is like to be married and lonely, and the unique ability to be alone and still lonely. I long for people in my life and that can make one very vulnerable. Having said that I also know what it’s like after more than three decades of loneliness to know I don’t want to be it anymore and I want it to change. Living in a small town everyone is aware and yet here I am. Now that my children are settled with their “loves” they want and I want the same for me. There is a lot in this and I have a lot to say but from both sides I do believe it is sad to feel the way we do. It doesn’t mean we lack perspective or our appreciation for life it just means in a big world we feel small and alone. No one person can make you happy, we bring the same person with us no matter the relationship or the locale. However, some of us are looking, hoping to make a connection to keep our spark going. Be it a platonic friend(s) or something more. In a world full of families hurting one another, strangers hurting others for no reason at all it’s scarey to trust. The social media makes an easy target of someone, which is the reason I never put anything out there. But for those folks who feel 60 is the end. Take it from someone who has looked at the end and fought to make it to 55. I feel like I’m young and always have. Sure, we all have “those” days. In reality take a deep breathe of cold air, let rain fall on your face when you look at those stars, run for those who can’t, hug for those that have no arms to hug or who have no arms to run to for that assurance it will be alright, laugh at yourself and be thankful you have that smile, the freedom to be. Yes, it sucks being lonely and being alone BIG TIME. Yet we must remain appreciative because we’re doing a disevice to those that don’t have the time to ponder such things. Well I must dash for those that have some pearls of wisdom, a joke, or want to be friends feel inspired to write to me, I will listen.

    • Nadine says:

      A wise man once said: if you live in the past you are depressed, if the live in the future you are anxious, if you live in the present you are at peace. I tried and it works. I used to regret the life I used to have and worry about the future but if I focus on now, much easier :-) Just saying :-)

    • Deesha says:

      Hi Brian,

      So true. Its only ourselves that know what we are. What we r worthy of. We should not give others the occasion of demeanning us. Whatever we r whoever we r in which situation we r its our life.Its always bright at the end of the tunnel. We just have to be patient.

  29. Margie says:

    It is so nice to have found this sight and realize that my feelings of being alone is shared. Not that I want other people to feel alone.
    I am retired ,two grown children who live away and have their own lives, however I speak to them. No other family that I speak to. All moved away and didn’t keep in touch and then my elderly Mom who lived three houses away from me for 25 years went to visit my sister and my sister wanted her teachers pension and they didn’t let me talk to her and told her I didn’t want her back( she had been living with me for a year after my father passed.
    My good friends live in New York, but I moved to Florida where I only have “acquantinces” No passion for anything anymore. I wish you all well and prayers to all. May this be a temporary feeling for us all.

    Margie

    • Gina says:

      Margie,

      Pehaps you as I , are simply going through mid-life crisis at this age. Changes that we did not expect, now we have to look at and make new decisions, find new interests, etc.
      Once I had a name to it, it seems to be falling into place but I am worried about our country and being alone my finances as well…
      God Bless you and I hope you find some new friends,and hobbies that you enjoy.

    • Margie says:

      Dear Gina,
      Thank you so much for your heartfelt reply. I too am worried about our country and the economic future for the younger generation.

      God Bless you!!!

    • Helen says:

      Hi Margie
      I am also alone at 60 and can attest that it isn’t easy. Despite all my knowledge, I find myself lacking motivation now I don’t need to work and a lot of the time I ‘can’t be bothered’ – having been someone who has always looked after other people. all four of my boys are adult and I usually only hear from them when they need something (although they are very good).. I find loneliness horrid. I also live in Florida. I seriously hate being told to join things – its a given that if I wanted to or could, I would… I have never been a joiner..some of us are just naturally introvert – there must be some middle road – I am a member of a gym but haven’t been so much as I got ill a few months back.. listening to trite platitudes and very obvious suggestions are belittling as, to me anyway, its a given that one has tried virtually everything (within ones scope) to have reached the point of asking for help from this kind of arena. If this sounds arrogant, I dont mean it that way, I sincerely want to know how to motivate myself and get involved.. but as yet, I haven’t been successful at this “empty nest” stage of my life and I have to say at times, I become quite desperate that things won’t ever change.

      Helen

      • Gina says:

        Helen,

        You like me, also sound like you are in mid life crisis. It normally happens around the empty nest syndrome according to my internist but for me, without children happened at 60. I too have had a hard time motivating myself but began taking 2000mcg of vit b12 with my multivitamin and that has really helped me get going in the morning. As we age, he told me our metabolism starts to slow down so we normally are not as motivated as we once were. Exercise , like walking, helps as well.
        I think we each have to find what motivates us, and then just do it when we can…once we begin to change we find more excitement to do things. Sometimes we also need our alone time to figure out where we want to go next in this stage of life now that the kids are gone.
        I hope this helps

      • Margie says:

        Hope things change for all of us. I often think of the song “those were the days my friends”. Where do you live in Florida?

      • Margie says:

        Hi Helen, I thought I answered your reply but I do not see it. I feel your pain. Feel free to email me when you are down as we can be email friends.

        • Gina says:

          Margie and Helen, Nice to see you have people in your area to chat with. I am in the midwest…also congrats to all of you in Canada who have found each other here.
          God Bless and good luck to you all. It is not like that here in the midwest. :(

      • ara says:

        Hi Helen
        I,M 62 man from Iran.But i,m going to live in Canada and USA
        LATER .I have been about 4 mounths in Torento . My hoby is work out , montain , sea side , study English .i,m intrested to make a friend with you , so i will be happy if i have oportunity .
        sincerly ara

      • Margie says:

        where do you live in Florida? Feel free to email me perhaps we can figure this out and alleviate loneliness.
        EMAIL ADDRESS REMOVED BY MODERATOR

  30. Tom says:

    Hi Randy, Like the Commercial on TV where the man says thank you Orville and Wilbur, Amelia, Neil and Buzz. Then goes on to say we cannot get to the future if we keep looking at the past. I am as guilty as anyone about looking to the past. I find myself 77 now and alone. I never gave it a thought that I would some day come to this point. Like the old Hank Williams song. I’m so Lonesome I could cry”. I come from a large family 10 children. None of us seem to be close any more. We only see each other at Thanksgiving & Christmas. Hardly know my Nieces and Nephews. I guess I am still trying to figure out how I come to this point in my life. I cut the grass go to Church on Sunday everyone in the Church now is as old or older I. I pray a lot asking God why am I here for. I am sure He has a reason just wish I could find out what it is.

    • Genya says:

      Hi Tom & Randy & Everyone:
      I am just wanting to reach out from my own corner fo the world and also say thanks for sharing what life is like for you. I think connecting on here is a good thing in many ways. Thanks Friendship blog.
      It seems like an epidemic of loneliness. I ask why? I’m 53 now, and though enjoy my own company and my dogs’ companionship it is just not enough. I get out and help seniors in my community and I teach dance & exercise. Doing good for others can bring some comfort. The rest of the time is pretty painful, I know this experience now, for the first time but it seems permanent now it seems to have ‘set in’. It is just that we naturally need each other we are not meant to be alone. I’m looking into the whole area of seniors or multi-generational housing projects. It is big in Scandinavia, and catching on in North America. Some of it is called co-housing or intentional community. You could do a search on that & see what comes up in your area. It makes sense that others with the similar mind set should live together in community…elders still have much to give, we’re not done yet, as long as we live & breath, our work here is not over…I wish us all the best and that we all make some of our best dreams come true, dreams have no expiry date.

    • Genya says:

      Oh yeah forgot to mention, it is also a fact that as we age, there is more time behind and less in front so it is really quite natural to look to the past more. I think people shodl get the chnace to tell their stories, like it would be in a proper tribal culture, not cut off but integral part of everyone’s lives, the old the young sharing life..the elders rpsected for their wisdom of experience and cared for as well. It is good to try & be in the moment as much as possible too. There are gifts in each. I am telling myself this as much as sharing it with all of you here on the Friendship blog. Glad I found you. Thanks for being here.
      I am making myself a promise to try and make more friends and just keep reaching out, the more the merrier, so if one is not available, another will be to chat or go out together. Got to try in spite of being bitten by ‘dysfunctional or toxic’ people a few times lately. I doesn’t get any easier that’s for sure. I can see why people hesitiate a lot and even though lonely a lot of us resist reaching out for friends when there are a lot of messed up people int he world. Sad but true. Still, I’d like to think there are people capable of healthy friendship out there, we must develope and have good boundaries and walk away if it doesn’t fit. Writing things down and sharing my feelings and thoughts with even one like minded person really really helps, so thanks again. :)

    • Gina says:

      Hi Tom, Well I just found out I am in Late MID LIFE CRISIS….because I am not married anymore and no children,no grandchildren as many of us have spoken about the hobbies, activities we used to like we no longer have an interest. I talked to my doctor and he said “laughingly ” you are in Mid Life, and I laughed back and said at 60 LOL…he said yes. I wonder how many of us are in that stage.
      Most people our age go through it earlier or have children and grandchildren around to spend time with or are married. Those people go through mid life he explained when their kids leave home and they wonder what comes next with life and where they are going especially if their kids move away.
      My best friend and I met for lunch and she is really looking forward to this time in her life when she has to take care of no on but her and her husband can go off to their cabin, take the trips they wanted to take and couldn’t and she is enjoying every second of it….funny how it switches…isn’t it?
      When my doc told me that i was so relieved…I could not figure out what was wrong, I just felt different. Nothing interested me but I kept doing things and going out but nothing really gave me a passion. Now that I know what it is, I am fine and he said give it time and it won’t last forever. I really needed to hear that. Since he told me , I have had one date, met several old friends for lunch, going to local city festivals like Cranberry fest, Octoberfest, and enjoying life again.
      My date was really nice, although since my first date with my cat of 2 yrs he got really jealous of sharing my attention so he got special treatment and even my date shared him with me LOL…it was cute :)

      Gina

    • Gina says:

      Tom,

      I watched my parents go through this stage you are in….many of their friends were passing or moving away to retire , they are a split marriage with both the loves of their lives passing at age 45…then marrying way too soon and not grieving so they live together as a companion.
      I turned 60 and am in MID LIFE for me…but I am coming out of it by pampering myself, massage, nails, pedicure, dating and just having fun….I am now even planning a trip withe the new site that has been on TV for people where they plan everything for you…so there are others around as well so you are no isolated. I do not know what your situation is financially or physically
      I saw your comment about the past/future but another person just told me you cannot look forward unless you look at the past. Interesting, in other words heal the past and you have the future ahead?? I am not sure what she meant but assumed that. What do you like to do besides cutting the grass and going to church? Is there someone at church who might like to go our for dinner with you? Or lunch…?
      It sounds like you are grieving the loss of your life past…but you have a purpose and a life ahead just not the one you used to have. I have a friend you age 77 who goes to the gym daily and plays tennis 3 times a week and looks like he is 57 except for his hearing LOL….We laugh at that but he also has a companion who is 60 female and while neither wants to get married they enjoy life together at times…he is very independant so is she but they make it work.
      I will keep you in my prayers that God puts people in your life for you to enjoy life with…being alone I have found is not the answer…are you healthy enough to enjoy a massage?
      Going for a massage is alot of help for me, since I am alone I do not get any touch not from kids, spouse, except friends but it is not enough so every two weeks now I go for a regular massage…and trust me just the normal touch is so healing…it makes you feel alive ( and I am not talking about Se….)but we all need touch or we die inside. I think we all forget about that. Touch is a basic need we all have.

      I hope this helps it sure has helped me….I am going through Mid life now that I know what it is like a charm :)

      Gina

    • Gina says:

      Tom,

      I have two parents who went through what you did. At 60 I am in Mid Life Crisis for me. However, I watched them go through what you are going through only they have each other only as companions. Their love of their live spouses passed when they were 45 so they married and have for 43 yrs now, while they like each other they are not in love but have companionship.
      Their friends passed and moved away to retire and I watched them slowly not know what to do anymore. They found new friends , neighbors, one daugthers in laws and they get out to dinner etc…lunch whatever they want at 87 and 90. Yes they still drive.
      I believe at every age we begin to wonder what life holds for us as we age now…you said you focus on the past. One person told me you focus on the past so you have a future, in other words you learned from the past to focus on a newer life…unless there may be something else. Are you grieving the loss of your life past…if so then you have to grieve and move on…you said you spend time at church, are there people you can ask out for lunch, dinners, movies…??
      I do not know what your financial or physical situation is but I also know for myself when my doc said I was in Mid Life Crisis, I knew I knew what to do…so I am pampering myself , nails, pedicures, and mostly massage. I found that without the NEED of human touch we slowly slip away….touch is a human need and without it we age quicker.
      I do not know if you can afford it or if you are healthy enough for one but I would suggest having an hour or 1/2 hour, whatever you can afford , massage every 2 weeks or so…ask your doctor if any concerns since I do not know your health situation. All I know is now that I “know” what I am going through I know how to get through it.
      I even have a trip planned with a site they advertise on TV where they make all the arrangements for you and you go as a grouup…so likely spot for me to possible meet someone else alone. Don’t give up…if you are grieving say it…feel it and move on…do whatever you can do now. I have a friend who is 77 and he goes to the gym daily to ride the bike, and plays tennis 3 times a week. He also has a g/f companion, neither wants to get married but they get along well. He meets his male friends once a week for breakfast and coffee…

      If everyone in church is your age or older….I am sure alot are in your situation, ask around, ask the pastor , maybe you can start up a get together group, cards, bingo…golf, whatever you like to do… Just some thoughts.

      Gina

  31. Genya says:

    Dear Laura: Don’t give up, try going to some classes and see how that goes. I am suffering in my city too, even with being a dance teacher and all. People assume Ihave all these friends, not true. The women in my classes tend to bond with each other. I’m an outcast there too. If I go with colleagues, most are competitive and catty, not for me. I volunteer helping others and in tha way I help myself, it lasts a few hours, a sense of contentment, then fades again. I used to babysit my neighbour’s litte girl, my little buddy, she adores me, now they are moving and emptiness is harsh in that area, kind of like empty nest I guess, I had no kids but raised 2 I never hear from. What else can we be doing to fill our lives? I think of spearheading my own group for women, not sure what I’d call it. I still seek more answers. I have 2 dogs, they are sweet.
    I wish we could go fora coffee or tea Laura and (and everyone here actually) and we could share stories about our lives, have a few belly laughs, be friends. Take care everyone.
    From a friend in Canada. :)

    • Genya says:

      Oh I forgot to mention, this may resonate with some of you, I just started actively researching intentional communities, maybe creating one. I have had this notion for years (I’m 53 now). I thought of a house of women, or co-ed but everyone has similar mind set and contributes. It is the communitarian concept and is missing in society big time. Not a commune, pls. don’t misunderstand. I think, what about pooling together with other single people with a vision and caring for a few elders on a sweet property we can all tend to and live well into our golden years as well….just a thought, I am always solution oriented, I’m usually positive, even though I’m pretty bummed out most of the time, it is just weird to feel like this, some of it may be hormonal lol. I was left in a yucky financial situaiton by my ex, so getting creative about how to proceed and still enjoy a good life. Even if you have money, the togetherness of an intentional community could be so fulfilling, provide a deeper sense of purpose. Think about it. I sure am.
      Take care, do something good for yourself today. :)
      (One place I looked on line was Fellowship of Intentional Communities. I would invent my own style of cohousing though, as an Aquarian, I have tons of creative ideas & love sharing them)

    • Serenity says:

      Hi Genya

      I am also from Canada. I was thinking I might be the only one on here. Would love to know more

      • jacqueline says:

        Another Canadian here too!!!! Quebec, Canada.

          • Genya says:

            Hi: viva Brasilia! :)

          • Brian says:

            Hi my name is Brian
            Having been married for 18 years with a beautiful son Stephen he past a way in 2006 he was 26 miss him so much , my x with left me to bring up Stephen after are divorced he had a great relationship
            After some time it meet lady after being on my own for quite so some years
            Soon I fell I love again I was happy for the first time
            My girl find at the time was living in Colchester and I was in Liverpool we did see a lot of easy oughter and soon we start to talk about moving in and see said to me come live with and make this your home at the time I was working very happy I might say has I had been from the age of 15 making pattern glass for double glazing I went to see my boss if I could live work he said to there are no VR at this time but you could go with pension so I did and moved in with my lady and
            We went on holiday had a great time has you do with a new relationship
            I spent a lot of money in her home a new car bath room new kiction
            After some time see said it was not working and ask me to go I said to her why see just said you one week to get out my house so did wax very happy at all where could I go
            So my sister said come and say here with me so I did now I am with out no home and very little money I am 62 now here in London is not easy at all

      • Genya says:

        I am on Vancouver Island, where are you Serenity? Hi to Jacqueline in Quebec. :)

      • Genya says:

        Hi Serenity & other Canadian or American friends: I wanted to touch base again, having done more research into the co-housing thing. It can work really well if people are quite co-operative by nature. It does cost to get “off the grid” as it were, co-housing is not too affordable for people on pensions and fixed incomes. Thus my thoughts take me into a new frontier to imagine and even create a hybird idea that takes in some workable concepts of co-housing and then goes into making it affordable. Everyone can live in community in a large home, each person with their own space and then shared space as well.
        An aside, I managed to assemble a small high quality group to jon me for Cdn. Thanksgiving this year, a new thing for me. 2 friends who are both fairly introverted joined me and said that small group was perfect, so I am lead to think that is a key, just work it one person at a time to gather a small but high quality circle of people…take care, keep in touch. Do something nice for yourself every day.

        • Deanna says:

          Hey Genya: I’m 53, Aquarian, and have a chronic disease but more importantly, have craved community all my life and had been looking into intentional communities, too! I like your idea of a hybrid; from my reading on the FoTC site, some big challenges with commitment can come up when you’re asking everyone to buy into a plot of land and build. But there are some tiny communities that have done it and I know with determination and vision, it’s possible! It’s my dream, anyway. I like the idea of a group of solar-powered tiny houses from the Tumbleweed Small House Co. or Cabin Fever of Miami. They don’t take up a lot of space, and if placed on land in a temperate climate, can be linked with wide decking for outdoor communal spaces with the luxury of private, easy to manage interior spaces. Would love to hear more about your ideas!

  32. Anonymous says:

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  33. Lynda says:

    Roberta, my heart breaks for you. You shouldn’t have to live the rest of your life like that – being treated badly and feeling that you aren’t worth anything. I totally understand why you would feel that way since you are being abused by the person who should be your support. Please take the advise Irene wrote to you – to contact the domestic abuse hotline to get support and ways to get out of that situation. THere are alternatives. I know it might not feel that way but that’s why you need to call somebody who can help you. Please do that…you sound like a wonderful person.

  34. Irene says:

    Hi Roberta,

    I am so sorry that you are in such pain. When someone is subject to abuse, whether verbal or physical, it’s easy to lose her self-esteem and feel like she is in a hopeless situation.

    This isn’t the case. You have many good qualities and the strength to dig out of your current problems.

    But you need to reach out for help. Please read some of the signs and symptoms of domestic abuse here
    http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm

    Then call the National Domestic Violence Hotline to speak to someone in confidence who can offer you support, advice and help you stay safe: 1−800−799−SAFE (7233) or TTY 1−800−787−3224.

    Please do this as soon as you can. There are people who care about you.

  35. Sparky says:

    Hi Laura, I am not sure but I hope you have read some of the things we all talked about on this post. Irene gave you some really great advice as always.
    It really is hard turning 60…it is a life transition very different than any other age below that. I talked to many of my HS classmates and they did the saame thing I have done. I turned 60 on the 1st and I went and called anyone and everyone, I thought I might have hurt, ignored, and apologized for my behavior. One was a girl who was in HS that had polio as a child and was disabled. I called to apologize for ignoring her in HS…because I was afraid I would not know how to talk to her.
    She was shocked…and so accepting of the apology and so glad that someone actually called to talk to her. She said HS years were hard for her and she had no fond memories of them.
    She was really shocked I called and I did the same to a girl in 8th grade who no one ever talked to either. She also had the same response…wow you remembered who I was? YEP and I carried that with me for years. It was hard to apologize to people who may not even remember me or care…but I found out that they did care. And were warmed that someone remembered them. I guess no matter what friends are there if we want them to be. Time to open our hearts to new things…new adventures because this is the last 1/3 of our life, ( if we live to 90 LOL :) )or more. WE actually have another chance because we now have the wisdom of what life really means…it is not about doing it is about being, who we really are and being ok with it.
    I will pray that we all find new friends to make in our transitions and find a purpose for our life…I think that is what I am missing…a new purpose! :)

    Sparky

  36. carolyn rose says:

    Anyone living in a long term relationship but not sure if it’s right.
    We are very comfortable but he is bored and flirts a lot. I’m 66 and he is 56. wondering if he is about to move on.

    • Nell says:

      Carolyn, I feel like you sometimes. My husband is 8 years younger than me. We are both retired and do not have a friendship base. He has male friends at the park where he walks every day, but I really have no one to communicate with other than my neighbor (texting) and one friend who calls me sometimes.

      • henry says:

        hi Nell, its really absurd to see that people who promised never to hurt u are the ones who hurt u the most. Remember that loneliness is very common. Almost everyone feels it at some time. It is not a defect. It is something that can be changed. It is a sign that important needs are not being met. Changing the situation may involve finding and developing a circle of friends, but it may also mean finding ways of learning to enjoy your times alone; to use them more constructively and pleasurably.
        Do not wait for other people to visit you or speak to you. Try to talk to people you sit next to in society or at meals or in breaks at work. Say hello, or even just smile, at people you pass on the staircase or elsewhere in the neighbourhood or in your workplace.
        Try to put yourself in new situations where you will meet people with interests in common. Choose activities that you are genuinely interested in and enjoy – societies or sports or voluntary work. Do not, however, over-extend yourself, filling your time with too many things just to avoid being alone.
        Do not deprive yourself of things you would like to do just because you have nobody to do them with e.g. going to a concert or for a walk, or seeing a film.
        Try not to be critical of your efforts. Remind yourself that intimate friendships take time to develop. Do not disparage friendships in the belief that only romantic relationships will relieve your loneliness or give you confidence and social status.
        Build relationships by being a good friend to others.
        Respond to others and their interests (but do not feign an interest you do not feel).
        Some people are more at ease in groups and others in ‘one to one’ situations. Consider your own preferences and ‘style’. Find others with similar outlooks and interests. Remember that, despite appearances, not everyone is interested in bars or sports.

        • henri says:

          Henry your right and what you wrote was well written,,,One is as young as one feels and there is no sense in feeling extremly old.intimacy was given us for wellness and intimacy can certainly keep us in wellness..men and women alike.hobbies are great with a gal and walking and talking the big one.You all were right ,we were not meant to be alone but so many push others away when they have reached a “set in our ways age”Time to chill out and tune in and mix and mingle. A senior man

  37. Randy says:

    Love to meet you ladys…and be a buddy for you too…Randy MAINER THOUSAND OAKS..805 493 2000

  38. Anonymous says:

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    • Lynda says:

      Sparky, I could have written that post except for the falling in love part. Unfortunately I haven’t even had that experience. I turned 60 in October and it has been the most difficult transition for me also. I feel very alone – I have never been married, have no children and the family I have left, sister and nieces live in another state, and don’t keep regular contact with me. The same as you, the things that I used to enjoy, just simple things, do not do it for me anymore. Everything feels like an effort. I go to work everyday because I need my job but after the work day is over I don’t have the energy to do anything else. Although lately I realize I have to push myself but like you, I don’t know what to do! The same here about volunteering – I can’t narrow it down and focus on one specific organization. I know this isn’t much help but perhaps it helps to know that you really aren’t alone! take care….

      • Anonymous says:

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        • Lynda says:

          Hi Sparky, I understand when you say you don’t want to go to the fair alone. I used to do so many things alone and would enjoy it but as I’m getting older I also want to share things with somebody. I don’t think I have ever felt so alone as I have this past 6 months. It sounds like you have been through a lot in your family and nobody is really around whom you are close to also. My parents have both passed on along with my brother who died at the age of 36 so I understand how it feels to lose a sibling. And then for to have your remaining sister not able to get past that tragic event. I would love to talk to you about ways for us to ease this lonely time. I do believe it is connecting with people and having interests. I’m struggling with both of those things so perhaps we can help each other. Oh, by the way, I live in Illinois so I understand also about the COLD winters although I think you have it worse in Wisconsin! Take care…

          • Anonymous says:

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          • Anonymous says:

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            • Lynda says:

              Hey Jeanne!

              I had to look back at your first message where you said your sister was 36 when she died! I had forgotten that…a strange coincidence for both of us. You are encouraging me to remember all the things I used to enjoy doing. I am interested in all the things you mentioned; theatre, dinners, how about a boat tour of Chicago? I love to walk and try to do that as much as I am able. You have/had a lot of interests which is great! It may be fun for you to go to the fair alone because you enjoy it so much. I understand how you feel though so please don’t think I am saying it’s easy! I just can tell it’s something you may miss if you don’t do it. I have to send you a link to another friendship on-line group I came across. You have to pay for it ($20.00) but they connect you with people in your area, in your AGE group who you can meet for coffee, etc. It sounds very interesting…
              Thanks for replying…this is the first on-line group I have responded to also so it’s new to me too! Take care Jeanne…

              • Anonymous says:

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                • Lynda says:

                  Hey Sparky! I loved hearing what you wrote about how your mood was so uplifted from your drive, listening to the music, the fresh air, etc. It just reminds me that it is those little moments if we pay attention that can change our mindset. Another good point you made and I have found this to be true also, is doing those little things in every day life to connect to somebody; smiling at somebody in the store or striking up a conversation, doing a little act of kindness for somebody that can make both of us feel better. I have ideas of doing things but don’t follow through. Although last week I did go to church. I’m going to try others to find one that feels “right” for me. Thanks for staying in touch…and coming up with ideas of things to do.

                  • Anonymous says:

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                    • Lynda says:

                      Hey Sparky! I’m sorry to hear that you area dealing with this medical condition. I don’t know very much about that but it sounds very difficult if you weren’t able to chew or talk. It is a miracle that it seems to be in remission! That is the best news. I hope it continues that way but at least you know you can get the Botox injections if it returns. I too have some medical issues I’m dealing with which just makes everything a little harder. I will tell you about that another time. That is funny what you wrote about your cat being your companion:) It’s great that you have an animal. I would love to get a cat (I love dogs but living in a condo that would be hard) but I even worry that might not work out, or I would get a psycho cat..haha. Wow, I agree with everything you said about churches and religious beliefs. I want to find a church that is open to all faiths and doesn’t discriminate or judge certain groups. I don’t think God or Jesus would do that! I am going to try a non-denominational church that is close by but I have to find out the times they meet. I don’t know why it’s hard for me to get myself there on Sunday morning – I am going to continue to push myself because it’s another way to get out and connect with people, once we find that place where we feel we belong. I was out this morning and did a few errands and now just cleaning up around here..may go out again. It would be nice to talk or write on our email ? It’s really nice to have made this on-line connection with you. Have a good rest of the day!

                    • Anonymous says:

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                    • Lynda says:

                      Good Morning Sparky, I couldn’t reply to your other post so I had to reply to this one? That would be great if we could exchange emails off-line through Irene…not sure either if she will do that. It’s really nice to have made this connection on-line with both of us having some common interests. Thanks for the advise about letting an animal choose you..that’s really good!
                      I am work this morning but I wanted to write back quickly….please stay in touch. Have a good day:)

                    • Anonymous says:

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              • Sparky says:

                Lynda,

                Let me know what you think of the email you got today :) I hope we can connect.

                Sparky, Jeanne

                • Sparky says:

                  Lynda,
                  Hi there, I hope you had a good dad shopping. I hope you are ok, you sounded a bit tired today. I really do hope we get to connect and meet on the 7th, that restaurant sounds like fun and I think we both could use a few laughs….
                  My day was tiring today. I did not sleep well last night, am waiting for the powdered magnesium to arrive to try.
                  I hope sharing your story with me, did not upset you. You sound like a really wonderful person.
                  I am looking forward to meeting with you.
                  I hope you can find a good way to let your co worker, know to stop being passive aggressive….I think you will come up with a good response next month :)
                  If she cannot get to you, and you can make it light and fun for you, that will help take all the fun out of it if she thinks she is getting to you.
                  Sounds like she is on a power trip and you will find a way to take yours back gently !! :)

                  sparky

          • henry says:

            hi lynda, some say virginity is not pride but lack of opportunity, am not all that old but trust me even when ur ageing u need some comfort. if u dont have it, then try to explore the world, try to move if u have some savings on u. take care

          • Judy Bolen says:

            wow I’m reading these posts and they r saying what I’m feeling too! Lost my hubby in May of 2010 and did well at first but I am becoming more and more isolated. No fun doing things alone. Parents, grandparents and sister r gone. Have 2 children but they have their own life now. Live in Pa., and am dreading the cold winter coming. Love to travel but no fun alone. Am seriously thinking of moving to Hawaii and starting over in the SUN.

            • David says:

              Judy, I love Hawaii, in fact, I have traveled many places in the Pacific & Asia and it is great to be away from the cold weather, but I have to caution you that Hawaii is VERY expensive and it has drawbacks as well. You may find it doesn’t have the same culture you are used to in the East….Just as Liberal, maybe even more so, but I found the locals a bit less friendly than many people stateside.

              Do some traveling in the West and the Southwest before you commit to such a drastic move…

              • Judy Bolen says:

                David, I’ve been to Hawaii several times and it is very expensive but they have some great senior programs and housing that is very reasonable. Been all over the US and cannot take the heat in the west and southwest. Would be great to be able to walk to the beach each day :) But thanks for your input :)

                • henry says:

                  hi Judy, u should stop bein illusive about some things that come ur way, get to know that most things happen for a reason. IF U HAVE TRIED OUT, THE US, EUROPE,ASIA THEN GO AHEAD TRY AFRICA. ONE THING I KNOW ABOUT AFRICA IS THAT SOME THINGS ARE CHEAP N U WILL ENJOY THE BEACH AND COUSINEE ALL THE TYM U WANT. GO GIVE IT A TRY U WILL WRITE TO ME N TELL ME.

            • Gina says:

              Judy,
              I watch HGTV at night to see the availability of homes, over seas and in the US. I am finding that I have fallen in love with Hawaii.
              Maui or Kaui for that matter as well.
              I wonder if it is really a possiblity and what do we do for healthcare? Does our pension and SS follow us there as well?
              I love to travel and would love to find traveling companions as well since I have no significant other yet.
              Maybe we should start up a group of women who want to travel and meet and so we can feel safe and start up a travel group for women our age who do not have anyone.
              What do you think?

              Gina

    • Dave says:

      Where are you Sparky? What fair are you taking about? I love going to fairs, just can’t walk much so I have to use an electric cart….

      • David says:

        I just found out why walking has been so painful to me. I finally went to a doctor who told me I have PAD (Peripheral Arterial Disease)and I am going to have Angioplasty done on both my legs next week. The doctor said I may soon be able to enjoy walking once again and maybe won’t need an electric cart to get around fairs and such…..

        Please, my friends, don’t suffer needlessly. If your doctor doesn’t do an adequate job of explaining why something bothers you, don’t be afraid to get a second opinion……….at least soon while there are still enough doctors available…..

        • Genya says:

          Thanks David: I have a family history of those kind of problems, I’m starting to get a continual weird leg pain at the top of one leg, like a pulled muscle but not quite, it is around the inguinal area..never had that before. What were your symptoms? Thanks so much. Hope it all goes well and you enjoy good quality of life. :)

    • Judy says:

      Hi Sparky,
      I just wanted you to know that I understand just how you feel I think. I am totally alone at 61 for the first time in my life – kids moved away, divorced, and very few friends because most are married and in relationships. I also tried Internet dating. It was not good. The 2 men I thought I might like didn’t like me, and the ones who liked me were wrecks. I also have depression but I think I would not have it as badly, perhaps not at all if I were not so isolated. I also work at home so that makes it even harder. I also have no idea what I want to do anymore and my hobbies have changed. People tell me to volunteer but nothing feels right to me.

      • Anonymous says:

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      • Anonymous says:

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        • Judy says:

          Hi Sparky,

          Yes it did. Thank you. It helps to have a kindred spirit.
          I agree with all that you said. It is a new place in life to navigate. I don’t like it. While I know I could go out and ride my bike, or go to the gym, I just cannot motivate myself to do it. Yet I know other single women who seem to navigate fine. Perhaps it is because they have fulfilling jobs, or perhaps they had different early lives, or different temperaments. I just know that I must figure this out. It is comforting to connect with others who understand. And yes, human touch is so important. But so is emotional. I feel like I am the only one who feels like this. Last night I was at a party and there were other single women laughing and having fun but I just didn’t connect.

          I still have not stabilized from my family disappearing. My life was my family. They have gone “to” something (including my exhusband into the arms of a younger woman) and I, the heart of the family, got left holding the bag.

          I just don’t know how to do it. If I could, I would.

          • Anonymous says:

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            • Judy says:

              Hi Sparky,

              I AM a psychologist lol. And am seeing one. Physician, heal thyself…but we are human also. We have breaking points.

              I have a clear understanding of why I am where I am. It has to do with early attachment issues that have resulted in me not having a sense of self. Complicated. And the huge sudden loss of every external structure in my life.

              This is just something I have to get over. It feels hopeless right now but I need to stay strong for my children. I know intellectually that women find happiness after such things but my loss, for me, is huge and I do’t have the coping skills right now to get past it. I really depend a lot on my therapist. He believes I will get through this. It is what is keeping me going right now.

              Thank you so much for your words of support.

              Judy

              • Sparky says:

                Dear Judy,

                I could not find your last post that I got by email so I responded here. Virtual or not, know that you have friends and support here, even if we are not close in distance. One never knows how close we really are. You or I could be next door neighbors for all we know. :)

                You are so very welcome. My words are meant to ease the pain of loss. It was meant to comfort you. Even though virtual, sometimes that can mean more than real life because there are some who really understand and can give support because we simply understand. And not knowing who we are opens the door for you to be honest, open about your feelings without the fear of judgement from family. We do not judge here.

                Judy, please do not worry about giving back to this group yet…you will when the time is right. IN fact you already have by sharing your story with us. We all have a story and we can relate so you are already making some of us feel less alone because many of us are in similar spots.

                Right now take care of you, be gentle with yourself, be kind to yourself, treat yourself, trust and have faith you will get through this. YOU WILL and you will become stronger because of it. It may not feel that way at this time. I understand it feels helpless.In those darkest moments comes light if we chose to let it in :)

                I can’t say I know what you are feeling because I am not you, with your life experiences.
                All I can do is be here to support you, care, and help you to see how important you are. You do have a purpose but you just do not see it yet. BE proud of yourself for reaching out to others, to post here, to talk to us,for reaching out, sharing your darkest feelings.
                Do you know how much strength, courage that took for you? I am sure a ton!!

                You shared an intimate part of your feelings with strangers and that takes courage. You sought out counseling as a PHD and you found it. As you and I both know, I was told by my counselor that there are 1/3 who will help you, 1/3 that will do nothing at all, and 1/3 who can hurt you. I found that to be true in my travels. This site and Irene has been wonderful for me and others.
                I knew I found a good counselor when we connected just by hearing her voice. I interviewed over the phone and the one I picked happened to be my ex husbands inpatient counselor when he was in treatment for alcoholism, I had no idea until much later, but trusted my gut instinct was right because her voice was soft and kind. I knew that was what I needed, someone who was caring, kind, and nurturing yet professional, set her boundries and taught me how to set mine.
                She listened to me, she founded the Adult Children of Alcoholics and is now in CO.

                Trust in who you are, you may not feel strong right now but you are and you will get through this.
                You are already giving back to this site just by being honest and sharing your most intimate feelings with all of us.
                That takes guts.

                Sparky

              • Rosie says:

                Hi Judy.
                I just wanted to connect with you because your story resonates with mine. Me too, I am highly qualified in health and education and like you I experienced a childhood that left me without a sense of self. My parents were high critical low warmth, eventually they both abandoned me and my four brothers. My brother died last year and I made decisions then that have had huge repercussions in my personal and private life that have left me confused, bewildered and at times, deeply saddened.
                In your hopeless days, you might find strength in saying the following,
                “Today, something good will happen.”
                “Never, ever give up.”
                “I really truly love myself.”
                These are special words that comfort a grieving spirit. Try saying them, over and over and you will see transformation. I really hope that you find joy in your children; love them with all of your heart because they will be feeling your pain too.
                Warmest wishes
                Rosie

      • Margie says:

        Hi, I feel your pain and hope you are doing better. It is a hard stage of life after the kids move away and not being married. I too have no idea what to do with all this time. It seems we need to find a passion in life but that seems so difficult.
        Good luck , feel free to email.

  39. Serenity says:

    I hear your pain. I married at 18 an older man and he passed away two years ago this August. We never had children; although, we wanted them very much. We bought a home in the county a few years ago, a dream home to eventually retire here. I am now here alone. Loneliness is heavy upon me also; as within a few years I have also lost my two best friends. I have a large family but they are busy with their own lives and children.

    I am a happy person and love my job, but I need a new purpose and while I don’t need a new relationship to complete me (I am complete :)) I dearly miss loving and caring about someone.

    The sounds are loneliness seem very loud indeed.

    Bless you both and I hope the future has great wonders in store for you.

    • Randy says:

      Sounds of your caring heart are loud and clear …I do wish you well my dear …thanks for the human connection..made me feel understood…we all should have some one to say good mornin tooooo

    • Sparky says:

      Hi Serenity, Lonliness abounds all over. I am beginning to find it even in homes where people are married. I think for Lynda, you and I we need to find a new purpose for our lives at this age. I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your husband. That is something we all three have in common, loss.
      Let’s all pray for each other that we find someone in our lives that we love and will also love us back. True love is never too late to find. While I am a very eclectic Christian, and I believe all roads lead to the same God after much research and with God’s help….I will pray for us all to find someone and perhaps we can all become friends knowing each of us is going through something very similar to each other. We now know we are not alone.

      Sparky, Jeanne

      • Minh Tri says:

        Dear old new friend(s)
        I am also old lady more than 60, I have two sons living far away in Canada, some of my family in USA, so I am feeling lonely too. I love to have old lonely friends then we can exchange email, chat, visiting each others or travelling somewhere like tourists … when we have time.
        I visited Madison twice but in warm weather only.
        I hope can be one of your old friends soon.
        Good luck
        Minh Tri

        • ara says:

          HELLO DEAR MINK TRI
          I,M old man(62 YEARS OLD ) from Iran ,i have been about 4 month in Torento . I WILL COME THERE AGAIN NEXT YEAR .I have 2 duters FAR AWAY .
          I,M RETIER NOW ( I WAS AFFAIRS&FINANCIAL DEPUTY MEMBER OF THE BOARD IN PHARMACEUTICAL CO. THAT I WORK FOR THAT CO .)
          MY HOBBY IS TRAVEL , WORK OUT , STUDY ENGLISH ,.
          I WILL BE VERY HAPPY IF YOU GIVE ME A OPPORTHUNITY FOR MAKING FRIEND WITH YOU .
          GOOD LUCK
          ARA

          • ara says:

            HELLO DEAR MINK TRI
            I,M old man(62 YEARS OLD ) from Iran ,i have been about 4 month in Torento . I WILL COME THERE AGAIN NEXT YEAR .I have 2 duters FAR AWAY .
            I,M RETIER NOW ( I WAS AFFAIRS&FINANCIAL DEPUTY MEMBER OF THE BOARD IN PHARMACEUTICAL CO. THAT I WORK FOR THAT CO .)
            MY HOBBY IS TRAVEL , WORK OUT , STUDY ENGLISH ,.
            I WILL BE VERY HAPPY IF YOU GIVE ME A OPPORTHUNITY FOR MAKING FRIEND WITH YOU .
            GOOD LUCK
            ARA

          • ashraf says:

            Hello Ara n Gals.
            I just happen to stumble on this website address. Very interesting….its the same wherever in the wirld u are. As one gets older one looses a lot of old friends so its necessary to make new friends to avoid been lonely.
            I am a guy 62 from a South East Asian country…. financially independent….yet as i get older i keep wondering how is it going to be when i begin to get less mobile as age progresses.
            I am single parent, hv 3 wonderful children who r professionals….but i cannot expect them to accompany me when i am into my 70s.
            So we need nice friends in similar situations to cheer us up and keep us going. We are so very fortunate that technology these days has made it easy and often free of charge too, to keep in touch.
            Wld love to hear from some of you, why maybe u can even visit me sometime in the future. Best wishes to all of you.
            Ashraf

    • Sparky says:

      Dear Serenity,

      I think alot of us here, feel complete and do not need a man to complete us, I think that is why we are here.
      We really are looking for friends as you know life changes, and those changes can be lonely ones like we are experiencing especially at this age. How old are you if I might ask? I am very sorry about the loss of your husband and your two best friends. Being alone must make it harder.
      I think that is what we are all taking about here, our friends, families have their own lives and sometimes forget about those of us who do not have children and are alone, or we do not have things in common because of that. Have you called your family and tell them how you feel?
      Maybe they do not know you feel alone, and would be happy to invite you after all you are family!??
      Just a thought and I hope it helps to know you are not alone.
      You have all of us, give your families a head’s up as to where you are in your life, perhaps they will invite you out to spend some time with your neices and nephews and your family.

      Sparky

  40. Randy says:

    I have been singel now 18 years …alone have some good friends.but I feel like I have been morrning the loss of my divorced wife..and cant let go…seems as if women can just move on with little to no remorse…am stuck cant let go..feelin lost.and hopeless..and at 60 dont see any way out…would love a nice lady in my life ..but with the death grip my x has on me…i just feel like a failure ..she has moved on why cant I…

    • Morgan XYZ says:

      Ok, I can say the same thing about my ex husband. I have been divorced for 5 years. He has moved on and married someone 15 years younger than he. Just like you, probably, I think of him every day. I am jealous that he has this new life and I am left alone. I am moving forward. I don’t think it is about loving him. I think it is about fear of ending my life alone. I really don’t think I would have him back. He cheated on me the whole time we were married. I didn’t realize it until the end. I was a high powered executive and stayed on the road or in the office a lot. He told everyone how much he loved me. He loved my money and position because it also helped keep him in a very cushy job because other companies loved the idea he might influence me when it came to business decisions. So it goes both ways.

      You could just be fearful of getting out there. I can financially do just about anything I want; but, I fear being rejected. I haven’t dated since we split. I am getting counseling to try to help me understand my fears. I have tried on line dating; but, when someone writes to me I actually have a physical reaction and my gut tightens up. I can’t respond because I don’t want to be hurt again. My ex was the only man I have ever loved. He was my 2nd husband and I dated many people before I married and in between marriages; but, I never loved anyone like I loved him and doubt I ever shall again. Hang in there guy

      • Randy says:

        Thanks morgan…

      • Sparky says:

        Morgan, do you really believe that there is only one person we can love with all our heart? I believe that God is a loving God and he does not want us to be alone.
        Sometimes we push people away because we do not want to feel the pain of a loss, either death or divorce.
        I really believe , that you may find another love in your life, when you least expect it. You will know it when you find it, and it won’t be the same as it was with your husband but it can be just as loving, exciting and exactly what someone wanted for you to live out the rest of your life with. Faith, hope and & trust most of all Believe!!
        Anything is POSSIBLE!!

      • Judy says:

        Hi Morgan,

        I am in the same place. It has been 4 years, my husband is with a woman 17 years younger, and has rebuilt his life. I have had some false starts but I miss what I had. He never cheated but he was emotionally absent from our family. I became depressed at how removed he was and we fell apart. He is the only man I have ever loved and I just can’t feel anything for another man. I also know that a man will not solve my loneliness. I am trying to figure out how to learn to feel safe and content alone because I never had that before my marriage and during it, it was always underneath, a feeling of “aloneness” and loneliness, Children and family and my marriage covered it up. I was the second wife. My ex also left his first and never looked back. I think this always scared me.

        How do people do it?

        • Sparky says:

          Judy, If we had an answer to that we’d all be millionaires..some people just do not attach like others do. I was my ex’s 2nd, he was on his 4th when he passed on July 8th of this year in his sleep.
          How did he do it because he never looked back either. I think he was someone who just had no conscious.
          I never loved him but married him to escape home life at 19. I did fall in love once and it was the most wonderful thing in the world so on that level I can relate. He went back to his ex wife. I hurt for along time, not for him but for what I felt, I was in love, and I missed being in love for the very first time.
          It took me two years of grieving the loss to get over it. And I did….it hurt, but life goes on, and you have to have faith there is good that always comes from bad, and that there is a chance for love to come into your life again when you are ready to open your heart up . Letting go is never easy !
          Your in my prayers….

          Sparky

        • Sparky says:

          Judy, even if you are a PHD….we are not perfect. I give you a whole lot of credit for getting counseling despite the fact you are one. It is harder for those of us who think we know the answers or have the answers or help others find their way…because we are supposed to have the answers for ourselves too. People forget we are human and PHD or not…we all need help sometimes. I give you a ton of credit for seeing it and getting the help you need. I think you are amazing and well on your way to recovery.
          Sparky

          • Judy says:

            Sparky,
            You have no idea how comforting your email was. That is the kind of connection that, although virtual, is what friendship is about and what assuages loneliness. I hope I am able to give back to this group the same support.
            Judy

    • Sparky says:

      Dear Randy, I counsel people with grief and loss issues all over the community. I am trained, disaster trained, worked with law enforcement, PFA ( psychologically first aide trained) suicide trained, Lost person behavior trained etc…
      When one divorces it is harder than death because your ex is still alive and you may have to see her if you have children.
      Your ex does not have a death grip on you, you need to let her go…there is another out there for you to love but you must let go first. 18 yrs is beyond the normal grieving time, have you had any grief counseling if not, I would highly recommend it as you sound really down.It does help…I am divorced and it took me along time even though I never loved him, 2nd wife, and now was on his 4th when he passed on July 8th of this year. I felt like the world was taken off my shoulders when he passed. Even though I dealt with it he was not a good husband to me or his first wife, but to hear people talk about him and his 3rd wife ( who passed from cancer 13 yrs ago) he was a great dad and husband…yet gave up his first two kids from his 1st marriage for adoption no reason why he took that to his grave. It was still a struggle to hear how certain people viewed him…in his 3rd marriage. It was hard.
      If you are feeling hopeless, stuck, lost seek grief counseling as soon as possbile…I do not know why you are hanging on only you know why…but pls find a good grief counselor to help you move on. Like Lynda and I there are many wonderful women out here, but you need to work on yourself before you can find someone new…You must have faith in you….believe in yourself, be positive, that whatever happened was meant to be and there is someone out there for you who is even better for you than your ex was or she would not have left.
      Have faith my friend and pls seek counseling for grief work..asap. I dont know what area you are in but there are alot here and it does work. Trust me, being there, I know and teaching it I also know it works. God Bless Randy…
      Sparky

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