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Making friends at 60: “I don’t want to die alone…”

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

How does one get over being so alone? I do have a few very good friends, but too few! I am dying of loneliness! I don’t know what’s  wrong with me that I can’t seem to “connect” and make new friends. I don’t want to die alone too! I’m turning 60 this year. Any suggestions?? Many thanks!

Signed, Laura

ANSWER

Hi Laura,

Your question obviously follows my last post mentioning two tragic news stories recently published about older women who died alone without anyone noticing for some time. The imagery was chilling and most people would hate to think of dying that way.

Admittedly, there are times when it is tougher than others to make new friends. For example, college students are continually thrown into contact with other people in similar circumstances. Young moms can take advantage of abundant opportunities to make friends with parents of their kids or with other women involved in school committees. If someone’s working, she might become friends with colleagues. You haven’t told me much about you but it sounds like you’re at a place in life where you need to actively seek out friendships because it isn’t occurring naturally.

Making friends is more a matter of circumstances than age, per se. Unless there is something about you that pushes others away, if you follow your interests and remain actively involved with people, you will be able to replenish your stock of friends. The choice is yours: Get involved with cultural, political, or social groups. Join a gym, book club, cooking club, or take a class. Volunteer in your community at the library or hospital. If you have a dog, start up a conversation with another dog walker on your route. Dogs and new babies are always great conversation-starters.

One caveat: Don’t expect too much too soon. Friendships take time but if you are welcoming to potential friends and pursue your own passions, you’ll be able to turn new acquaintances into deep friendships over time. If you come across as desperate or clingy, it might be a turnoff to a future friend-to-be.

Being aware of your loneliness and that you want close friendships is an important first step. I hope this is helpful.

Warm regards, Irene

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Category: Making friends at 60

Comments (1,178)

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  1. LARA says:

    What a great site..I too am over 60 and meeting and find new friends is difficult..I have married friends but being as I am single I have way too much time on my hands. Most people already have their friends. Having someone to go to a movie or shopping or a trip with is what I miss..I have a lot of activities I do alone like jog (5Ks and half marathons) but everybody seems to come in groups to the race and there really are not too many in my age bracket out there..Help….I have joined church groups, volunteered, and no luck…Don’t care if I date(if it happens it happens) looking for friends who like to do be active..

  2. Rain says:

    Wouldn’t it be wonderful if there were people on here who lived in close proximity who could get together in the physical as well as virtual world? I don’t know where everyone is but I think I might be the only one from Australia. Even when you have the fullest life, and I do, and I am pretty happy, I think having someone to share your life with someone no amount of activity can replace. That, for me, would be the icing on the cake.

  3. Lize says:

    Wow..And here I thought I am the only one feeling fustrated and alone. I will be 60 t

  4. NEN says:

    Not everyone wants to live alone but EVERYONE dies alone.

  5. Tim says:

    Hi! I got on this site just looking for someone to talk to and started to read all of your posts. Great to know that I’m not alone but of all the posts I’ve read not one of you said anything about Love. I’ve been alone for the last 14 years and admit it’s not easy but I got use to it. The hardest thing I have trouble with is I want so badly to be Loved by another woman and to Love them back just as much if not more. But I’m starting to lose hope with every passing year. And they are really flying by any more. Don’t want to go on writing and boring you but words of hope would be very welcome.

    • Fran says:

      And I think all of us would like to love and be loved by — the right person.

      Certainly it’s not over until it’s over.

      It might be good if you focused on all the good things you have rather than the things you don’t have.

      A big plus: men are FAR more likely to hook up again, as the years go by, than women are. The odds of you dying a married man is FAR greater than any of us women dying as a married woman. :-)

      I gotta tell ya — my first ex was pretty bad. He wasn’t good looking (to say the least), he didn’t have any money (I gave him the house — I just gave it to him), he wasn’t very bright, and, more than anything, he wasn’t a very nice person. Within two years of our divorce, he met a woman at his Arthur Murray dance classes. They’ve been together 23 years. She’s not a looker either, and she’s not very bright, but she is extremely nice. I just have never understood at all. So, all I’m sayin’ is: since few men are as bad as my ex — I’m sure you will do just fine. Just don’t try too hard.

    • El says:

      I’ve was married to my husband for 10 years, we divorced, then back together for the last four years. I am a professional woman, make a nice living, am pretty, physically attractive, interesting and we’ll read, yet after our divorce ( he cheated 2 times, thank you Facebook and old school sweethearts) I took him back so I wouldn’t be alone. He is boring, grumpy, is uncomfortable having fun, doesn’t want to do anything except watch tv and play games on his computer, but and yet, I am still with him because the prospect of starting all over ( yikes, dating? New sex with a new person!) scares me to death. On the flip side of the coin, at 62 years old, I finally realized that I am mortal and at best have about 8 years left without being crotchety, to go out, have fun, laugh, dance, get goosebumps again.

      My point being, getting old is awful, tick tock, and it’s over. But what does someone like me, a scaredy cat , even begin to get in my life all the things I want before I die, which is to just be with a fun compassionate man, who is kind, and wants to live a little fuller before he can’t.

    • Rain says:

      I am 63 yrs, female from Australia. After being on my own and lonely for 25 yrs after my divorce I decided a year or two ago that I needed to live. I went and bought a motor bike, enrolled in learn to ride classes, and joined a local motorcycle enthusiastic group for over 50′s and my life began.I became a “biker” LOL. I am riding with a great bunch of people every weekend, camping out overnight or longer, with my group or with other friends. This has become a passion,and something I do constantly, often taking my dog with me. I joined a group that goes to clubs to see tribute bands every Friday and Saturday night, I love music and I have to say I am loving life. Just need someone to share that with now and with my social calendar now, I’m sure Mr Right will come along. In the meantime I am having a ball and seriously, you need to get out and life. Take a chance, take a risk, do something you’ve never done before. It can change your life. Honestly what do you have to loose?

    • Glenda says:

      Hi Tim,
      You are certainly not alone. There are many of us out here and some of us are even married. I love my husband but he seems to have
      no time for me. He is very introverted and lives in his own world most of the time. I just so miss having someone to talk to. I was married 27 yrs to my high school sweetheart but he left me for someone he met on the internet 15 yrs ago. I was single for 10 yrs and now have been married 7 yrs. My X-husband was recently killed in a vehicle wreck and I really need someone to talk to about my feelings. Thanks for listening and I wish you the best.

  6. Dee says:

    Hello

    I am from the uk and I have yet to find somewhere on the internet like this for people in the uk.
    I am 64 but not an aged 64 if you know what I mean, people think that I am a lot younger, and I feel a lot younger.
    I am also lonely, I lost my husband 7 years ago with an aneurism which was sudden we went everywhere together done everything together we were soul mates and partners we had been together from me being 17 and he 19 we had various friends who also were partners but when he passed away they dwindled and now I don’t see any of them.
    I finished work when I was 61 and find it very lonely.
    My daughter only lives next door but very rarely do I see her only when she wants something she doesn’t come to visit and sit and have a chat and a coffee she is too busy with her own life.
    I have tried going on trips etc with the aged but I feel like I don’t fit in as they are old old and not very active etc where I am the opposite, I also suffer with anxiety and panic attacks and find it difficult to socialise etc and when I do people tend to ignore me and carry on with there conversation,
    I don’t know if it is because I am quiet or what but I think have they heard me? And tend not to repeat myself because they are already carrying on the conversation.

    I have walked up the street with my daughter and feel invisible neighbours and even relations that we walk by in the street have walked by and said hello mandy to my daughter and not even acknowledged me which is very hurtful my daughter just laughs it off but doesn’t realise how hurtful this is.

    I have said a few times to people am I invisible and then they will say oh sorry “hello dee”
    and as the saying goes you can be in a room full of people and still feel alone which is so true.
    I would love someone that could share outings with not seeking a partner just a friend to share life with that would be concerned for you and understand how you feel etc
    I don’t know if that will ever happen I don’t go out really for it to.
    I have a sister but she is 76 and not fit now to be walking about etc
    but you don’t realise that there is people out there in the same situation.

    I tried this meet.com but felt out of place as most of the people were not in my age group they were too young so I have not found a happy medium yet.
    just thought I would write to say that its nice to have a website that can let people vent there emotions and I know what its like to feel lonely too :(

    • Fran says:

      I am so sorry you lost your husband — and so young too.

      Please know that there is nothing wrong with you. As you read these posts, I’m sure you’ll find that out. We all are good women (and men) here.

      I do understand loneliness. I’m certainly not immune to it. But an introvert, and I think that makes it easier for me to be basically alone.

      However, loneliness is just the other side of solitude. And solitude can be a great gift, if we choose to see it as a gift and to utilize it. A lot of people would give anything to have more ‘alone time’. We just have a little too much of it! :-)

      Anyway, there is a great saying attributed to The Buddha: Pain is what comes simply because we are alive. Suffering is optional.” I know that when I don’t indulge in my feelings of loneliness and do something productive, even if it’s just listen to music while I clean house, I feel very good.

      Loneliness is painful. But we suffer from loneliness when we don’t accept it. I’m not suggesting we all lie down and die without friends. But I do know that when we’re engaged in doing things that we love to do, we tend to forget that we’re lonely.

      I’ve mentioned this book before — I don’t know the author and I certainly don’t get any money for plugging his book — but there is a book entitled “Celebrating Time Alone” by Lionel Fisher. It’s very good. It’s not a serendipity book. It shows both sides — those who like being alone and those who don’t. When I start to feel there is something wrong with me because I don’t have a lot of friends (actually, no real friends), I pick up the book and start to read it again. It has helped me a great deal.

      I wish you well.

      Fran

      • Prabir Neogi says:

        I am 62yrs old husband and I have wife 58yrs old and I have two children staying outside my home. We have married for 32yrs but still we have difference of opinion in every aspect of our life. I am felling lonely in my house. I like someone share our experiences our life who must be honest and trustworthy.
        If you interested pl reply.
        thanks
        prabir

      • Jul says:

        Thank you for your comments…I think you read my mind. I’m tired of feeling like there is something wrong with me because I like my own company. If I could be around other people my age and not have them try to convince me to go to a singles or religious function, it wouldn’t feel so threatening being out and about. Those are wonderful ways for some people to meet but it is not for everyone.

    • Denise says:

      Hello
      I’m from the U.K too and totally agree with everything Dee says. It is so hard to find and make new friends when you are older. Most websites etc seem geared towards dating rather than friendship. My partner and I split up 5 years ago after 25 years. I have three children who are grown up and living their own lives-which is as it should be- though they do try to have time for me. My friends all have partners or families and being quite lacking in self confidence I find it hard to join groups-I tried Meetup too but it wasn’t what I had hoped. I think Fran is right about writing things down that you enjoy and then try to get out and do them. I do yoga zumba and an art class, all of which I go to alone. It took a lot to walk in but was glad I did. I still have a long way to go but am trying so hard to come to terms with being on my own. Hopefully I will make new friends and have a fun life again. After all its hope that keeps us all going and we should never give up.

      • Fran says:

        Hi, Denise — After all these years of being basically alone, it no longer bothers me to walk into a meeting, class, etc., alone. But what still bothers me — and I find it rather humorous — I still find it difficult to walk into a restaurant alone and to eat alone at a table. I take a book or a thick magazine, and I read while I eat, and I avoid looking around. :-) It doesn’t bother me enough to keep me from eating in a restaurant (I don’t do it very much anyway), but — I still feel funny — until I’m at my table and have my eyes in my reading material. I also find Christmas difficult. Even though I know that about 30% of people in The US (and The UK) spend Christmas holidays alone and even though I know that a lot of the other 70% probably WISH they were spending the holidays alone — LOL — Christmas is THE WORST for me. Starts right before Thanksgiving and ends January 2. I do remember when I spent the holidays with my parents and/or my ex’s parents and our siblings, and all I wanted was for it TO BE OVER so that I could go home with my kids — Christmas still gets to me. So while I’m pretty much fine being alone (most of the time — not all), restaurants and Christmas alone are two things I haven’t ever gotten used to. //// I’m sorry you and your partner split up after all those years. Yes, at 5 years, you’re still getting used to being alone. And it may take yet another 3-5 years. I married 4 years after my first divorce, mainly because I was so lonely. That marriage lasted 3 years — and it was a BIG mistake. Then it took me 5 more years to get used to being on my own, but it wasn’t nearly as bad as the first go-round at being single and alone. It’s 15 years now since my last divorce. I am fairly content. //// I just moved recently — I tend to get a bit depressed every time I move. I’m glad I found this place. You all remind me that — we’re not alone. :-)

    • Jas says:

      Hi Dee,
      Where about in the UK do you live? I am over 60, look and feel younger and can identify with what you say. However, I have lived on my own for years – never married, so very unlike you in that way. I have several friends who live alone but we all agree to check in on each other as this is increasingly important with age, no matter how fit we are or how well we feel. Perhaps this would be an idea for you to try with existing friends. I’m happy with my own company so I don’t need to physically see them regularly but we keep in touch by phone, email, texting and Skype for the personal one to one. Once a month or so I meet up individually or sometimes with more than one of these friends. It’s so important that women support each other at this time of life. Let us know how you’re doing.
      Jas.

  7. Deborah says:

    I’m 60 and have Social Anxiety. I stopped working 17 years ago but it’s only been in the last few years I’ve become so lonely. My husband still works and he enjoys it so I don’t see him retiring any time soon, he’s 62. I lived in Maine for 5 years after leaving a horrible 20 year abusive marriage. I had a friend in Maine and met my present husband so I was having the time of my life. A friend and a new man, it was a good five year span. I married in 2006 and life was good until a couple of years ago. I don’t have communication with two of my sons except occasionally. My youngest son has recently moved in with a girl, so I don’t have him to chat with anymore. My depression has just increased ten fold since he left but my husband is happy he’s gone and not living with us anymore. My husband gets home from work and we eat dinner and then we both get on our computers and hardley speak while watching TV too. Then we go to bed. Wake up next day and the same thing over and over again. I have a hard time getting out and making friends, joining a group, volunteering or getting a part time job due to my depression and anxieties. I feel as if I’m dying now, no life, nothing to look forward to. I am on antidepressent and have begun to see a therapist but I don’t have much hope. I have not gone to church in quite a while due to the same social problems I have. I’m really at the end of my rope. Facebook makes me feel even lonlier. People click LIKE, but make no comments and it’s just a miserable existence. Please anybody HELP ME!

    • KarenB says:

      Deborah: Make certain that you are on the right medication; see your therapist, but most important – talk to yourself. Only you can truly bring yourself totally out of depression. I know, I fight it too and I am not married. Try talking to your husband and explain what you are feeling. Ask for his help, or better yet, take a walk with him around the block; reach out and hold his hand. Your therapist will most likely tell you much of the same thing. You have to make yourself happy. No one can do that for you. And don’t be shy with all of us. We don’t bite!

      KarenB

      • Amzlo says:

        It isn’t that easy Karen, although I am not depressed. I often wonder if I am. My partner sits there all day on his mobile, that’s all he cares about, he is completely silent throughout the day, if I say something he just says WHAT, i’m on the verge of booting him out,might as well cos there is no conversation whatsoever between us, so I am too fed up with it, and feel like i’m lonely.

        • Fran says:

          Your partner is speaking to you all right, Amzlo. He’s saying a lot. He’s just not using words.

          I’m not suggesting that you break up the relationship. But if he’s not willing to get help and to work on the relationship — you may not have a choice. Who wants to be in a relationship with a person who will not talk to us.

  8. joan says:

    hi everyone! –i too was reading thought the messages on this site and

    suddenly realized we are having what my mother would have called her
    afternoon coffee meeting–when i was a young child my mother would get
    me into whatever attire suited the weather and off we would go to a
    neighbors house for her to have a ‘fast coffee’ and a chat with some of
    the other neighbor ladies–i would sit in a corner of the kitchen with a
    toy mother had brought–sometimes i would be given a cookie or a glass of
    milk–to day we sit at this machine and chat on line–although there are
    still other women to chat with it does not have the same feeling as interacting with a person face to face–it is nice to discuss a movie i
    have seen with some else but it is not the same as going to the movies
    with someone–it is interesting how plugged in we all are–how connected
    to the world–but we do not know the lady down the street–i do not ever
    remember my mother or any of her coffee buddies saying they where lonely
    or had no one to go to the movies with–if mother was ill all the ladies
    brought over food so my father and i could eat and mother could rest–
    they helped take care of each others kids–planned birthday parties for
    us–they where just housewives and mothers–but their social life was
    full–they each new that if needed someone would be there for them–even
    when we moved away from my childhood street my mother and her coffee friends stayed in touch for the rest of my mothers life–if a husband passed on or grandchild was seriously ill one of the group would come and of course bring food–nothing tastes quite like a tuna surprise that
    has been carried on a bus for 6 hours–the soggy slightly smelly mess had so much love mixed into it it tasted fabulous–as a young wife i
    wanted to carry on this tradition of life long friendships that are bonded by all the little things that make up the business of everyday
    life–i wanted to but i did not–work and other demands on my time took
    away the luxury of a free hour every afternoon to spend with the women
    in my neighborhood–now as a 60ish woman i no longer work–so work friends have gone–i have moved and my new neighbors do not respond when
    i say ‘hello’–i shop alone and watch movies on demand on tv because i
    do not like to be out alone at night–i chat on line with all of you
    ladies and i am not so lonely–for all the good things modern life brings there is a loss of connection-community-a feeling of belonging
    –maybe this the reality–we now have only virtual relationships–face
    to face chats happen on skyp instead of over a cup of coffee–i can be
    in my pjs at home and have a lovely chat with someone in,well,any where
    in the world–i am not sure how i feel about it all–what about you?

  9. CHYANNERAINE says:

    I was just going back trying to delete some of my old mail and came across this site….I am ” still” trying to find friendships, but it really is my own fault. When I retired a few years ago, I wasn’t use to being alone like this…and it became overwhelming, and depressing, not having people around me every day for 8 hours in a day…know what I mean? Now, I don’t klnow where to go, or what to do, but I can admit, I am ” dying” of lonliness……..was thinking about church, but I am a bit shy and don’t wan’t to go alone….sigh* how did I get here?? When I worked all those years, I was the one everyone wanted to be around..I am bright and funny! I make people feel good about themselves…etc…I just don’t get how I am in this position now…would love to meet all you ladies and gents and just have a giant get together for support……I live in Florida …

    Deb

    • Greta says:

      Hi Deb,
      I hear you about the lonliness. I stopped working about 3 years ago and I too once had many friends and still do but they are either still working or takijng care of a sick parent or ill themselves. I am engaged to a nice man who is a year younger than me but he is a workaholic and we don’t live together so we mostly see each other on saturdays and part of Sunday which leaves me alone most of the time. I love to read and do watch some tv as well as spend a little time on facebook but that makes me lonely too. I have anxiety too and do not participate much in community life. I have one son but he is 26 going on 16. always working or with friends, not much time for dear ole mama. I wish I knew the answer to finding friends at 60. I feel invisible often and wish I could just have someone come over for coffee and a chat. That would help so much. Gee,I wish it was easy like it is when you are young. I’ve enjoyed reading the posts here. That helps me to not feel quite so alone. Greta

  10. Sunny says:

    This is a good blog. All my life I wanted to have more time to read and do what I like (watch movies, eat candies in a row, travel and do some praying on my own). This happiness came to me when my children married and went away, I am sooooooooooooooooo happy (I was already divorced and raised my kids alone – their father lives in a beach nearby and is no bother) – we do not have to have lots of people around us, there is something wrong with that. You have friends that like movies, take them to movies, ones that like to eat, go with them to all types of restaurants, same with music, but nothing beats being by yourself doing what you love to do by yourself. It is such a wonderful freedom! Thank you my God! I am happy, happy, happy….

  11. Buster S says:

    There are many friends among us living beings and if for
    some reasons there exactly moving along with you in life
    as you are and NO signs going wrong then chances are
    these friends will be around FOREVER! But put in yourself
    first before your seek to find FRIENDSHIP some place else
    Remember be friendly to yourself and friendship will follow!

  12. leanne says:

    I am taking heart in the fact that others are experiencing the same thing I am. My son will be a senior in high school and spends more and more time with him friends, girlfriend, etc. I have tried to reach out to a number of women I interact with to take it from “friendlies” I know – to being and having a good close friend. I am married but my husband is a workaholic….seriously. I am losing my joy of living…have lots to do and occupy me but I would really like a girlfriend I can share a laugh with and do things with.

    I think it is the fact that everybody is plugged in all the time and don’t really have the time or inclination it takes to be a friend or have one for that matter.

    Lonely….but hopeful.

  13. Joni says:

    Hi everyone, it is a bit of a comfort to know so many other people feel the same way as i do myself. I have a few friends but we seem to have less and less time together and socially I rarely have anyone to go out with. I raised my family alone since my husband disappeared 17 years ago and while they were growing up I had no social life as I couldn’t afford to go out or pay a sitter. Now the youngest is off to university and I will be alone in an empty house, and worse of all, all my original family have passed away so apart from the children who have all left home now, I have no other family on earth. As the past 20 years have been spent raising my boys and looking after aged relatives, now I’m not needed by anyone. At work I am friendly and have many acquaintances but they are not interested in seeing me outside of work as they are mostly younger than me and like getting drunk and dancing. At 53 I am not interested in that. Being a single parent was heartbreakingly lonely at times but as I’m getting older it’s beginning to feel even worse. I have no-one to go on holiday with this year, so either I go somewhere by myself or I don’t have a holiday. And when you go places on your own, people look at you funny and think there’s something wrong with you, ‘Johnny-no-mates’. I have no problem talking to a wide variety of people, but it never extends beyond the superficial. People say I’m funny and outgoing but I’m the loneliest person you ever met. I don’t know how to live in this world with out my family.

    • Fran says:

      This was written by “Kim” on 6/15. I printed it out and put in on my computer desk:

      This is the thing. When you get to this age you appreciate the value of your own time. If you have a lively intellect and plenty of interest in the world, you want like company. But it is rare! Mostly, people want you to supply them with something. There is an underlying theme: if you are interested in ‘outside’ things, you must have capacity to spare. This is a problem especially if you are a logical and polite person, and listen to people in the hope that they will reciprocate. Therefore, you have to: listen to their monologues, which are often repeated; sympathize; show interest in their children; be unfailingly approving; keep what original thing you might have to say as short and simple as possible, so that the conversation can return to the ‘real’ topics. It is a dumbing down, which has been brought about by the cult of the individual, the ‘me’ culture, and is exemplified in the media, which is a substitute for life.

      With that said: If you are an introvert, making friends may be a little harder but, on the other hand, being alone should be a little easier. If you’re an extrovert — well, life can be rougher when we are alone. I’m an introvert so I don’t find being alone very rough most of the time. But neither am I unsympathetic to al of us who are having a hard time making friends in our older age.

      Your post is not clear: are you alone now or will you be alone soon, when school starts up again?

      Do you have some volunteer organization you are interested in volunteering for? Of course, if you’re still working, volunteering is going to be hard. But you MUST do something — to get you out of the house — besides working.

      Give yourself some time to recover, once your last child has left the home. And while you are recovering, make a list of things you are interested in. (I divorced my husband as my last child was leaving home, and, within a few months, I was a Hospice volunteer and a volunteer for a homeless organization — and I did both for 17 more years. While I went back to college PT.) After my last child left home and I left my husband — there were SO many things I didn’t know about myself because for the previous 20+ years of my life had been all about my husband my children.

      If you’re not attending a church — go to church. A great way to make friends. If you are not a believer, Unity and Unitarian churches are good churches to attend. If you are a believer, attend the church of your choice. I’m not a believer and I will be moving out of state within the next 10 months, but when I hit my new home, I will be attending a church.

      You might get a cat? I’ve had my cat for 6 years now, and I don’t know what I did without her before she came into my life. She’s been a great companion.

      Make a list of all the things you like to do and want to do (and can afford to do), and then start doing them. For instance, I knew I liked to write and also photography, so I belong to a writing group and once I move to my new home, I’m taking up photography too. Oh, and I JUST started a new volunteer organization, which is one morning a week. I said I’d never volunteer again — but I am. :-)

      And in the meantime, in the first few months or first year of being home alone — please try to relax. There is nothing ‘wrong’ with being alone. We live in a society (here in The US) which praises independence and hardly fosters interdependence. Makes it difficult to make friends. It’s just the way things are here.

      Also, if you can afford it and/or have medical insurance, you might consider a year or more of therapy. The only problem is that finding a good therapist can be very difficult and could take a while (you need to ‘interview’ a few therapists before deciding on one).

      There is nothing worse (after the first few months of being alone for the first time) than just sitting in the house, ruminating about how all alone we are.

      DO find an exercise class you can attend after work or on weekends — or both. Exercise is a great antidote for depression.

      Sorry — I didn’t mean to write a book.

      An I still alone? Yes. For the most part. But I’ve achieved a good balance of being out of the house (I’m retired) and doing worthwhile things AND having alone time (I am an introvert). My life is not bad. Yes, of course, I’d like to have a close friend or two — but, well, that just hasn’t happened yet — and, at my age of 65, may never happen. I still am enjoying my life and being alive. Truly.

      I wish you the best.

    • Fran says:

      PS: My first year of being alone was VERY difficult. I HATED coming home to an empty apartment. I was so very lonely. Every day I used to stop off, after work, at a coffee shop. It was great. I made friends — and we actually did things together on weekends (not every weekend, but every so often). THEN it HIT me, after about 9 months: these people — men and women — my age and older — had been doing this for over 5 years: they had been sitting at this coffee shop for over 5 years! And, basically, that’s all they did. I suddenly knew I didn’t want to throw my life away. I was still working, but I went back to college (took one class) AND I started volunteering. Best things I ever did for myself, as a single person.

      • Betty says:

        I went through a very similar situation recently. I belonged to a gym and went to an over 55 gym class three times a week. After each class we went for coffee. At first it was nice, but after a while I thought my world was starting to revolve around the coffee shop and this small group of women. I have since taken up power walking with a more diverse group of people and will enter my first race on July 27th. And I have pretty much stopped going to the coffee shop!

  14. Fran has a very valid point I think when she says that she would rather be alone than be friends with just anyone. I had a friend who was a single woman happy to be so she had a very fulfilling life and enjoyed herself. She did have a man-friend but they had separate homes which suited them both. Sadly he died in an accident at only 66 years old. The loss was a great blow to my friend Matilda and to find solace and companionship she joined a women’s group in her home town. She met another person called Helena who lived near her they started to go out to the theatre together and other activities. After awhile Helena began to act very nasty towards my friend Matilda and became very controlling and threw out nasty remarks when other people where present. It became so bad my friend Matilda became depressed and anxious. I told her you need to get rid of Helena it will only get worse and it did. Matilda said she was lonely and needed friends after her boy-friends death which I can understand. But I personally think Matilda was so desperate for companionship she took anyone as a friend which proved to be a wrong move. Matilda has now moved on from Helena and has made some nice friends which I am glad about.

  15. Isnabela says:

    I just came upon this website when doing a search
    for how to make friends at 58. It’s so sad that
    this seems to be a common problem for us.
    Why is it that we can’t (or won’t) connect?
    Is it fear of being disappointed? Or vice verse?
    Is it a trust issue? Why can’t we just allow
    ourselves to care about each other without
    making things so darned complicated?
    I live in southern ca. Anyone want to chat?

    • Fran says:

      Do not take it personally. I’m serious. I think it’s mostly our society. As I said in a previous post — if we’ve lived in the same small town all of our lives, we probably wouldn’t be facing this. And, regardless, maybe there is something ‘right’ with us, rather than something ‘wrong’ with us. Lots of people are ‘friends’ with others, because they don’t want to be alone. I’d rather be alone than just friends with anyone.

    • Aeriol says:

      Hi Isnabela!

      Yes I am struck by this too and it makes me feel a little better that it isn’t just me – I live in Toronto and am 60. I worry that people will judge me, and I think it takes time to make real friendships. The article is correct to do things out in the community – it makes me realize I need to go out and do things like help with political campaigns which I do enjoy doing, though in the moment may feel like not going – so this helps me to make more effort. I think it is easy to think that others are happier or have less problems or better lives – not that my life is horrible at all but there are certainly problems. I have a kind of a unique opportunity to help a young guy build a tiny home. I read about him in the newspaper. We will start building in August and the whole project should take 6 weeks. I think by giving to others we receive. I am looking forward to getting started with it.

  16. Karen says:

    Eva and Joan – It hasn’t stopped. Have you logged in?

  17. eva says:

    Hello All,
    I found this website yesterday, and red the whole discussion .
    I can relate with many women over here, my age, my situation and my
    fears, hopelessness .
    However at the moment of writing this reply, I am looking for the answer
    to the question “how it happened that this discussion stopped ?”
    almost a year ago ? how come ?
    thank you eva

    • joan says:

      hi eva–i was wondering the same thing–i too am over 60 and often
      find myself alone–as an only child i used to being by my
      self but every now and then it would be nice to have a girl
      friend to chat with–do you belong to this website? –how
      have you liked it–looking forward to your imput: joan

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