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I love my BFF but I can’t take her husband!

July 29, 2009 | By | 3 Replies Continue Reading

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

My BFF and I spend a lot of time together but her husband isn’t very social or friendly with me when I go to their place. She pressures me to arrange a night for the four of us to get together but I don’t really enjoy his company and my partner doesn’t either. How do I approach this without offending her? Our friendship is very important to me but when her husband is in the mix – things become very uncomfortable.

Thanks,
Amy

ANSWER


Dear Amy,

Since you’re so close, you probably need to be FAIRLY honest with your BFF. That said, you don’t want to: 1) hurt her feelings, or 2) jeopardize your relationship by telling her that her husband gives you the heebie-jeebies.

Without going into detail, tell her that you prefer spending time alone with her, without the guys. Plan your get-togethers when they aren’t around, perhaps during the week as opposed to weekends. Or if you want to get together when they are around, plan to meet on neutral territory, perhaps for lunch or coffee out, rather than at her place or yours.

Perhaps your BFF’s husband is shy and socially awkward but he is her husband. While you don’t need to become a foursome, you may want to get together as a group occasionally, perhaps once or twice a year—to see a movie (with you and your friend sitting in the center two seats ☺).

It does strike me odd, however, that your friend doesn’t sense how uncomfortable her hubby makes you feel.

Best,
Irene

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Comments (3)

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  1. Andi says:

    I am in a somewhat similar situation, but slightly different. My closest friend does mot want anything to do with my husband. She knows our history as far as his affair many years ago and broken promises over the years. Because I consider her my best friend, I shared perhaps too much in hindsight, but thought I could without her refusing to do any couple things. I’ve spent time with her and her husband but after many years of excuses about why they couldn’t do any couple stuff, she finally admitted that she has no interest in spending time or getting to know him better. But she claims i’m also one of her best friends and they do things sometimes with other couples. I just don’t get why she is so hardlined about it, especially since she and I spend a lot of time together. It would be great if she would give going out as couples a chance. I just don’t get it. Do I just let it go??

  2. Candace real says:

    I have had the same problem for years. I can seem to find nice friends but either their husbands are odd or my husband is just not interested in making friends with them. My husband just doesn’t seem to want to make (or even sustain) friends.

  3. Anonymous says:

    Eek. I have definitely experienced this scenario. Great advice, Irene!

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