• Keeping Friends

I can’t stand my best friend’s husband

April 24, 2017 | By | 1 Reply Continue Reading
Her best friend’s husband is a cheat and she can’t stand him.

QUESTION

Hello,

A couple years ago I found out through numerous people that my best friend’s husband had been cheating with someone on their staff, an underage girl and also with one of her very good friends.

She didn’t believe it at first but she did find out that it was all true. She decided to work it out with him with conditions (that he did not fulfill) and despite that, they stayed together.

Exactly a year later, I found out through family and reliable sources that he is still cheating. She said that without solid proof she can’t do anything. I respect that it’s her choice to stay or leave, however, I can’t stand him. He has always been a scumbag and used to repeatedly flirt with me and make advances that she knew about.

How do I continue to have a relationship with her but make it known that I will not allow him at our home or parties? I will be cordial when in his presence at their gatherings but I don’t wish to do any couple dates. Please, help!

Signed, Stella

ANSWER

Hi Stella,

Yes, it is painful to see a BFF being hurt by a partner who isn’t loyal or honest. Often, women feel unable to leave their husbands for a variety of reasons (e.g., economic, impact on the kids, religious, or they lack the self-confidence and/or self-respect they would need to extricate themselves from a marriage).

You have done most of the heavy thinking about how you feel and what you should do. It’s outlined in your letter. You love your friend but don’t care for her husband: You want to maintain a relationship with her but not with him.

My suggestion would be to convey your sentiments to your friend with honesty and kindness, understanding how difficult her life must be. Let her know you respect her right to make her own decisions (even ones you disagree with) and that the marriage is hers not yours but you’re offended by her husband’s behavior and don’t feel comfortable socializing with him.

She will probably agree to limit your friendship to one-on-one get-togethers unless she gets some flack from him. Your friend needs your understanding, support and companionship to help her cope with a tough situation.

Hope this is helpful.

Best, Irene


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Category: KEEPING FRIENDS

Comments (1)

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  1. Denise says:

    What an awful situation. Your friend knows all she needs to know to separate from him, but not doing so shows her reason for staying is stronger than for leaving.

    For you, my first choice is to only see her alone to minimize stress and possibly for her to listen more to reason. Someday, something will tip the balance.

    A variation of this for me was when a former high school classmate and I spoke and got caught up for several months in 2016. Married with 2 grown boys, he dropped 2 bombshells on me. When his first son was 10, he cheated with a co-worker who empathized with him when his wife wouldn’t listen. Maybe 2 months later, he said he loved me and over time told me specifics about his feelings for me. He’s thought longingly about me for 30 years! Words like this from a married man are not complimentary and I silently lost significant respect for him. For a variety of reasons, I ended correspondence. What could’ve been a great friendship was ruined, although I’m happy he told me the truth.

    So, reading your story, I thought of my classmate. If I had been his wife, I would’ve divorced him because I could never be 100% sure he was where he said. It’s possible to change, but how can you be 100% sure?

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