Your daughter apologized after the breakup and there isn’t much more she can do if her friend won’t forgive her.
My 13-year-old daughter had a best friend. The girls were “going out” with two boys that were also best friends. My daughter’s boyfriend recently broke up with her. Shortly after that her friend broke up with her boyfriend.
My daughter had been friends with her friend’s boyfriend all through grade school. My daughter still talked to her friend’s ex-boyfriend, walked in the hall with him, and talked to him. Her friend was hurt by this and has since decided not to be my daughter’s friend.
My daughter is extremely sad about the loss of this friendship. She has apologized several times, tried to talk to her, tried to make amends. Her friend told her if she really wanted to be her friend she wouldn’t talk to her ex-boyfriend anymore. My daughter had a hard time with this but eventually did this.
Her friend still won’t talk to her and now their other friends are shutting my daughter out. She is devastated. I have been sick to my stomach worried about her for a week now. She’s cried to me and is very sad. I don’t know what to tell her or how to help her handle this. While I think my daughter made a mistake in the beginning, she has tried to do what’s right and it just keeps getting worse. I don’t know what the right thing to do is anymore. Please help.
Dear Worried Mom,
Both you and your daughter have had a double-whammy. It’s hard for a young teen to get over a boyfriend breakup but it can be even more painful to lose a best friend. Together, the two losses can be overwhelming for someone of any age.
Coincidentally, I answered a post earlier this week from an adult (Is it wrong to talk to your friend’s enemy) who also had difficulty knowing how to interact with a friend’s ex or with a friends’ enemy. As I mentioned in the other post, the rules aren’t crystal clear but my sense is that your daughter didn’t do anything fundamentally wrong. The ex was her friend, too. However, both girls are young and I can understand, too, that her friend may have gotten upset.
It was very mature of your daughter to apologize and it’s unfortunate that the other girl wasn’t forgiving. Even though this matter wasn’t resolved amicably, your daughter should feel good that she did the right thing by apologizing.
Although you may feel powerless, there are ways you can help your daughter:
1) Let her cry, complain and express her feelings to you. It’s good that she is able to trust and confide in you.
2) Reassure her that friends often have misunderstandings, talk about them, and make up. Tell her that she didn’t do anything fundamentally wrong and that you wish her friend had been able to be more forgiving.
3) Help your daughter identify other friends, either at school or outside of school, or family members with whom she can spend time and socialize until this becomes a dim memory.
As upsetting as this is right now, she will get over this hurt. It’s part of growing up and learning from disappointments. Teenage friendships are often fickle so the two girls may, in fact, some day get over this disappointment.
Hope this helps a little. My heart goes out to you and your daughter.