• Other Friendship Advice
Welcome Box-Book Recommendations
Ask the Friendship Doctor

How can I fire a bridesmaid?

June 30, 2011 | By | 9 Replies Continue Reading
Weddings can be tense but this bridesmaid problem seems to have started long before the wedding.

QUESTION

Hi Irene,

I asked one of my girlfriends to be a bridesmaid at my wedding a couple months ago, but every time I ask her if she wants to get together, she doesn’t answer me. She literally hasn’t said a word to me since I asked her to be a bridesmaid.

She and I used to be the best of friends, but then we sort of just drifted apart, but like we were still like, cool. Usually she would only call me because she wanted something. And I’m the type of person who likes taking care of my friends, but only to a point, I guess you could say.

I’m not asking her to pay for anything, either. I think after everything I’ve done for her it wouldn’t be so hard for her to spend a little time with me? For example, last weekend I texted her to see if she wanted to grab lunch (which I was treating her to) and she never responded. Checked my Facebook and she had a status up that said something along the lines of ‘bored who wants to kick it?’

I feel horrible, because I don’t want to ruin our “friendship”, but I just don’t think she’s as close to me as I thought. How can I do this delicately?

Thank you for your time.
Heather

ANSWER

Dear Heather,

Weddings can create a great deal of tension among the members of the wedding party. But it sounds like this “friendship” was on a very weak footing to start and hasn’t gotten any better. You’re been too kind to someone who sounds rude and unappreciative.

You need to clear up this fiasco as soon as possible so it doesn’t detract from the joy of your big day. There’s no way you can be delicate; you need to be direct. Send your friend/bridesmaid an email or call her: Tell her you need to meet with her face-to-face talk ASAP to figure out what’s going on and why she won’t respond.

If she doesn’t agree to get together, it’s time for a breakup email that tells her that, regrettably, you’ve changed your mind about her participation in the wedding party because you’ve grown so distant.

Hope this helps!

My best,
Irene


Other posts on The Friendship Blog about bridesmaids from hell:

Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

Category: Bridezillas and other monsters

Comments (9)

Trackback URL | Comments RSS Feed

  1. Anonymous says:

    Well i fired her not sure how things are going to go

  2. Anonymous says:

    i have one of my closest friends as a bridesmaid i planned my bridalshower she didn’t show, i saked when she was going to be here? she said, sometime the friday before. no spacific time. i asked where she was staying she didn’t have her room booked yet. i have 7 days and i don’t know what shes going to do. I feel like she wants to be in it to say she was in it but doesn’t want to be a part of anything.how should i handle this?

  3. Irene says:

    Thanks for adding your comment. Brides are pretty vulnerable and stressed on the days leading up to a wedding. This makes disappointments and misunderstandings more hurtful at that time.

    Best,

    Irene

  4. Anonymousperson says:

    I have a friend, who lost a friendship over a wedding, too. My friend asked her friend (a mutual friend of ours) to be a bridesmaid. I was one, too. The mutual friend didn’t agree to be a bridesmaid because that meant her very traditional husband would have to sit alone at the dinner table, while she sat at the head table. My soon-to-be-married friend thought that was a bad excuse. She was very hurt by the mutual friend’s actions. The mutual friend thought her excuse was a reasonable one. Now, years later, they are no longer friends. They tried, somewhat, to re-establish contact a couple of years after the wedding, but it didn’t translate into a renewed friendship.

  5. perpetual bridesmaid says:

    Oh my gosh, so stressful. I’ve seen this happen to a couple of my friends, though. It’s too bad the bridesmaid thing is SO tricky to navigate and causes so much stress and hardship.

    I agree with Irene that you should settle this as soon as possible so it doesn’t detract from your joyful occasion! I hope it all turns out ok. Rootin’ for ya.

  6. Anonymous Bride says:

    I meant to say woman not “women” in my post. I only asked one person, not multiple people to stand up for me. The first one was challenging enough. 🙂

  7. Anonymous Bride says:

    Dear Heather,

    I was in your position five years ago when I was planning my wedding. I had asked the women whom I thought was my best friend to stand up for me. We had been friends for over a decade, were extremely close, spoke on the phone every day and shared many positive experiences. I had always been supportive of her, made a point of showing her how important she was to me by helping to create celebrations for major milestones in her life such as birthdays, engagement, and wedding as well as doing personal and professional favors whenever I could. When I asked her to stand up for me, she said that I was asking a lot of her and then proceeded to start criticizing my wedding plans (nothing over the top or bridezilla by any means). I was not asking her to buy a dress or do anything that would involve an outlay of cash. I didn’t want or expect a shower as I didn’t need anything and it’s not my style in any case. I was shocked and very hurt and decided to drop it for a while to see if she would come around or apologize. She e-mailed me once to ask me the name of the woman who made my dress because another friend of hers wanted to have a dress made. Other than that radio silence. About six months later she contacted me to see how the wedding plans were coming along–again with the snarky comments about my dress, criticism of the location but nothing about her wanting to be there for me. That was it for me. I’ve not spoken to her since. She not only didn’t stand up for me–she wasn’t invited to the wedding. She tried to contact me via phone and e-mail numerous times and I wrote her a letter and explained how hurt I was by her behavior and that I felt she had taken my kindness and friendship for granted for many years and that she had been disrespectful and that I felt our relationship was not reciprocal. She wrote back one line and said she was glad we were friends again. ??? I did not respond and never contacted her again. Last year she wrote me an e-mail asking to get together and signed it “your Maid of Honor”.
    Very strange indeed. I don’t know what was going on in my ex-friend’s head because she clearly had no intention of talking about why my wedding made her act so badly, but at the end of the day I decided that wedding or no wedding, she was no longer the kind of person I wanted to direct kindness towards as she was only interested in a one-sided friendship.

    As Irene said, don’t let her ruin your day. By ignoring you she’s creating drama that tries to make your wedding about her. Don’t participate. You deserve better. Congratulations on your engagement!

Leave a Reply

Visit GirlfriendSocial.com