I’ve been struggling about
what to do about my friend Jennifer, whom I’ve known for 14 years. She really
took me aback with a letter she wrote me almost a year ago. It included everything
I had done that had upset her, all the way back to 2005, when she was my maid
In 2010, she and her husband were coming to my
city. Her husband has a best friend in a city two hours from me so we weren’t
the only reason they were coming to visit. But we ended up not seeing each
other because she said her husband got sick after they visited her husband’s
I was three months pregnant
with my second child (and really excited for her to see my belly) and I was
planning on driving to her with my four-year-old. On the day of the visit, she
left a message saying her husband was sick and it wouldn’t be a good idea to see
I was really upset because I
only see her once a year, and I made the mistake of jumping to the conclusion
that her husband wasn’t really sick—rather, that he didn’t like me because
this was the second time something like this had happened.
Something like this had
happened once before so it seemed like a pattern. I also had accused him of not
wanting me in their wedding party but I was wrong, and sent him an apology
letter. He forgave me but she hasn’t.
I was in tears when she refused to have me come
see me. That is when I realized it had to be something more. The next month I
got a hand written letter from her. It seemed like the purpose of her letter
was to deliberately get back at me for things that I did but didn’t know about.
More than once, it said how selfish I am.
I sent her an apology letter, I’ve posted on her
wall wishing her a Happy Birthday, Happy Veteran’s Day, mentioning how sorry to
hear that her cat had passed, etc. with no response. What hurt me the most was
to not receive a message from her or congratulations on the birth of my son in
2010. If she is that angry, I’m at a loss as to why she hasn’t blocked me on
I had no idea she was so angry all this time.
When I told her I was upset because I wasn’t in her wedding (the day after
the wedding in 2007) all she said was,
"I have to make this up to you." Now, in the letter, she wrote that I
"dashed her wedding experience to the floor".
A person can’t fix anything
if they don’t know about it. But to let me know now has just boggled my mind. I
guess I’ve been holding on to hope that we would be okay because I’ve known her
for over 14 years. Ever since my life turned around for the better our
friendship has not been the same.
I’m at the point I want to completely end it.
Block her from Facebook but it’s tricky. It’s really difficult to see posts from her
to her other friends and not response to any of my posts. I’ve reached out more
than once to try and mend our relationship. I’m still at a loss about this.
When we go to Florida (where I’m from) for vacation I
always make sure to have time to visit her. Our upcoming trip in April I won’t
be doing that. I want to send her one last letter to tell her how I feel and to
end our friendship. But I’m really not sure how to go about it. What I really
need to do is burn the letter. I’m just not ready to do that yet. Not sure why.
Would love to hear your ideas.
It’s hard to know exactly
what is going on with you and your friend—or with your friend and her
husband. It seems like most of the difficulties in your friendship cropped up
after you both got married. For a variety of reasons, sometimes the close friends
we have as singles aren’t the same ones that work for us as wives, partners,
By the time Jennifer sent the
letter, it sounds like she had been accumulating a litany of complaints against
you for years or else was reaching back more recently to re-write history. In
any relationship, it’s never fair fighting to bring up grudges from the past.
It’s always a mistake, too, to let little problems in a relationship continue
to fester. This can lead to a build up of anger and can be crushing to the
person to whom they are suddenly delivered all at once.
Fourteen years is a long
friendship and I suspect it was one that was very important to you and
Jennifer. At this point, I don’t think Facebook is a good mechanism for you to
use to stay connected with her. Just block her from your Facebook page if you
are irritated seeing her interact with other friends.
At this point, my suggestion is
to simply let go of the friendship. You have so little contact with your ex-friend
now that a letter isn’t necessary nor do I think it would achieve anything. It
seems like Jennifer isn’t very good at resolving conflicts—so I’m not too
hopeful you can repair things.
Hope this helps.
Can you take a minute to vote for my blog and my book, which are finalists for the
About.com Friendship Awards? You can vote once each day—for each of
them—through March 21, 2012.
here to vote for The Friendship Blog! (It’s the third one on the list).
here to vote for Best Friends Forever! (It’s the last one on the list).
There are no monetary rewards—only a feel-good feeling that we are all in this together.
Huge thanks for your support always! Irene