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Would bother telling a friend how you felt when they just dont bother?

This topic contains 4 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  CrystalBallGazer 4 months, 1 week ago.

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  • #180196

    CrystalBallGazer
    Participant

    Would you bother telling a friend how you felt who has let you down and not bothered to make contact when the said they would?. They just never bothered to get back to you.You know it’s over and you won’t be seeing each other again, so would you bother emailing or sending them a letter anyway?. Is it better they at least know how you felt as you go your separate ways?.


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  • #180206

    Pixie
    Participant

    This is a topic I am conflicted on! I have friends that seemingly drop off the planet and then reappear as if through a time warp as if nothing had happened. I kind of blame myself for this because I didn’t tell them upfront when they missed a lunch or whatever how much it upset me.

    On the other hand, my husband’s aunt alienated a lot of people in her lifetime, and she once received a letter from a niece that stated how selfish and snobbish the aunt was. The result was the aunt read the letter, put it in her purse and pulled it out for others to read at holidays etc. so that she could “confirm” that the niece was “crazy” and that she was the one who was right. The two never ironed anything out.


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    • #180207

      CrystalBallGazer
      Participant

      Thank you that was interesting. I know I will never see this person again but I think its important to me if she knows how I feel as we part. Shes done this sort of thing to other people too,so maybe it might be good if someone says something to her. I have sent her a letter, I feel like I have taken a load off actually. I told her Im not even interested in a reply of any sort, just that I wanted to tell her a few things.Its confronting,but Im glad I sent it.


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  • #180264

    charlemagnejames
    Participant

    No, I wouldn’t bother. If the friend has made a conscious decision to place yr friendship in the freezer, you may feel conflicted but try to ride it out. Let me tell you why. I have done this to friends in my life where, for whatever reason, I didn’t want to be friends anymore. When that friend showed any sign of unhappiness, rejection or desperation it changed my feelings about the situation but – crucially – not about the friend or the friendship. What it did do was leave with a sense that I’d exited the friendship as the one with his pride & ego intact. I wasn’t the one trying to hang onto a friendship, the needy one or the desperate one. Preserve your pride & let them come back to you.

    Yes, there’s an argument that closure brings satisfaction but what I’d do in such a situation is write an email to your friend, expressing all your grievances, but DON’T send it. It will be mildly therapeutic.

    One last thought: Years ago, my best friend was disloyal to me & I dropped him. Then, a year or two later when I realised what I’d lost, and torn about whether I’d been too hasty, I reached out by trying to friend him on FB. Not only did he reject the request, but he blocked me outright. I later discovered through a mutual acquaintance that he’d felt incredibly gratified by the friend request because it persuaded him to (falsely) believe that he’d reclaimed the moral high ground & that I was the one regretting my decision & hankering after the friendship.

    That taught me a lesson: if someone walks away from me, or if I walk away from them for a valid reason such as betrayal, I never look back. Really tough at first, but once enough time has elapsed you’ll be happy you kept your pride intact.


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    • #180299

      CrystalBallGazer
      Participant

      Thanks for your thoughts and your story.I agree with your view on things actually. In the end I did send my now ex friend a letter, not to beg for the friendship, but instead to tell her a few home truths. I told her Im quite happy for it to end actually given our circumstances. I just wanted to let her know that this friendship did not totally hinge on whether or not she wanted to be friends. Im glad I said a few things to her in a firm way too. Whatever she thinks about the letter,doesnt matter but at least she will get to read my words. Im not worried about possibly igniting the friendship in future as I pretty sure I wont want to see her again. She really isnt my kind of person now anyway.Shes mucked other people around in the past too, so a bit of a reality check written down might even do her some good.


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