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Unsure about an invitation to afternoon tea.

This topic contains 13 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by  Jacqueline 2 months, 2 weeks ago.

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  • #180740

    lottie
    Participant

    This is tricky for me and really don’t know what to do if anything.Apologises if this reads too long.

    Some years ago I was in business. A friend worked for me along with others.Big mistake on my part ,she thought she was privy to all my business,she wasn’t.Although she was 100% squeaky clean regarding money…being my business.If she thought I was doing too well (her own thinking,she didn’t know)she would slack off.It was tiresome I felt I had to jolly her up which was a distraction for me. One employee once said she had to over compensate for her lack of interest even though both were highly paid,exfriend would sulk. It was difficult because other staff were led to believe she was 2nd in charge even when I explained she wasn’t.Before I retired she started to not turn in for work causing no end of inconvenience.She was the first person I told that January I would be retiring at the end of the year.VERY BIG MISTAKE.

    As retirement got nearer she was worse, I realised my mistake. Many times we discussed her problem. Believe me it caused lots of ill feeling with other perfect staff. Near to the end she texted regularly saying she couldn’t come to work.Words were spoken forcing her out of a job.She had many opportunities to get her act together.She thought she was more important than the business,sad but it happens.To this day I haven’t seen her to speak to.WE were always very happy for their young children showing interest in their hobbies and lives,having no children of our own.

    Which brings me to my problem:

    Her and her husband are very big friends OR WERE with someone who has moved near to our village.These new nearish neighbours have always been extremely friendly towards us and have this week made an effort to get our phone number needing advice.They could have asked the exfriends,but didnt,so we think.If I saw them out we would stop to speak.The ex friend has never been spoken of.The husband was a client of mine. Always very polite and friendly.The ex friend was always mean about them calling them names and not wishing them well,yet sooo friendly with them.Two faced.

    Being cautious,today my hubby tells me I have been invited to go to the new neighbours home for afternoon tea, I presume on my own.The wife who I have known for years is lovely as is her family,who are now adults.Me being me I am wondering if they are being nosey about what I now do,by quizzing my husband who I threatened to keep stum telling nothing. My work is private. As predicted they did quizz him today after he went to give some advice,he didnt disclose anything.The wife has asked for my mobile number.The thought is leaving me “iffy”.

    My fear is if the exfriend is at her house or she just wants to “find things out”. I fear new neighbours loyalties would be with my exfriend who incidentally was great fun out of work hours. We shared the same sense of humour and that I miss more than with anybody else.We did have belly aching laughs just catching one anothers eye was enough for each to know what the other was thinking,and howling till we cried.

    I may be acting stupid but it has taken me by surprise but then I predicted something more will come,it did and has.

    Thank you for reading. Lottie

    Ps. Their friendship for all I know might have drifted.


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  • #180745

    CrystalBallGazer
    Participant

    You could just go and feel the water. You will soon know whats going on. If the questions start coming about work and business stuff,just shrug it off and say oh lets not talk about work Im on holiday,and divert it when it goes that way.Be very vague about it.Its only a cup of tea, surely these people wouldnt put you on the spot with the other two there as well?,if they do just take the wife aside and say sorry its really a bit awkward and you didnt part on good terms with the others so sorry you have to go,but you are happy to be friendly with them…..either that or get your husband to phone you at a certain time about half an hour later on your mobile and you could pretend its an emergency to get you out of there if need be….it also might not be so bad as you are expecting, you might have a nice time talking about old times and time you have spent together?…..if the other couple isnt there,and the subject of them comes up just dont add anything and change the subject straight away.


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  • #180763

    lottie
    Participant

    Thank you CrystalBallGazer,

    Such good straight forward advice.Anothers thoughts are always handy. It didn’t really come as a surprise to be invited to afternoon tea.There will I am sure be cakes/wine and the likes. The two exfriends I doubt will be there together but I was getting anxious if the wife might be,being the exemployee.
    All said and done you have helped to reassure me it will not be as bad as I expect.My mind went into overload,I was thinking the worst scenerio.It is good to be able to share thoughts here getting others points of view. My hubby likes to wind me up thinking it is funny,it isn’t.It even could have been a throw away comment like when we say goodbyes to aquaintences….oh call round sometime or we must get together. It is a way to end the conversation and move on.Thank you again. Take care. Lottie

    In other words CrystalBallGazer it is calm down Lottie take it my stride.


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    • #180792

      CrystalBallGazer
      Participant

      You are welcome.We are not immune to over imagining stuff, I do it myself sometimes.I think sometimes we just have to step back from our thoughts and say,actually I can just go and have a look and if its not good or doesnt feel right I can make an excuse to leave. I dont have to stay if I really dont want to.Another good trick is if you want to exit somewhere and you havent arranged for someone to call you, just suddenly look at your phone and play with the screen for a second and then say oh I have a text I have to call someone back,and look worried.Go out of the room to the bathroom or next room and pretend to be talking to someone behind the door and then go back and say,oh theres a crisis at home,sorry I have to go. Dont elaborate just move out the door and say you will have to catch up another time, sorry gotta run.No one will ever know its not true and it gets you out of there without getting upset or being rude.


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  • #180798

    lottie
    Participant

    Thank you again CrystalBallGazer,

    I am hasty giving out advice but not so good at using on myself,well sometimes. When push comes to shove I can blow a fuse(not so much these days) but in this instance my mind went immediately into overdrive thinking suspicious thoughts. The two females used to be close and used to go holidaying together with their husbands. The ex was always here with her family being entertained. It all stopped when I had words about her work commitments,the year of my retirement.

    For all we know they may not see each other like they used to. The couple who are nearish to us were always friendly,but I, not like my hubby have not seen them face to face.They might well have seen me passing by in the car,but we didn’t know they were in this area until the husband contacted my hubby about a work situation.Now I have calmed down I will take in our stride. She might not even contact me,aahhh but nosiness will get the better of them.

    What ever happens I will remember your ideas and imagine you sitting on my shoulder with a stick poking me if I make a wrong move!!

    Thanking you once more,enjoy your day. Lottie


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  • #180812

    justbella
    Participant

    Hi Lottie,

    I would also be imaging what might happen, so I think it’s great that CrystalBallGazer gave you such great tips.

    I also think that in social situations it’s best and easiest to always act politely. You can’t go wrong with good manners, and they also act as a sort of cloak: You are just doing what you know you should be doing, while you are having your own private thoughts. And if you act politely, the other person is more likely to act politely; but when they don’t, it is apparent to all just who is behaving badly.


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  • #180816

    lottie
    Participant

    Thank you Kate,

    The new nearish neighbour would always be polite that is for sure and the ex would be,on saying that so would I. What I don’t need is to get tangled up into a friendship again with the ex. Yet somehow I can’t see her turning up it would be too uncomfortable for the three of us.She doesn’t do confrontation,and she is not brave.All the same I haven’t had a phone call,so mithering unnecesserily for now. Just wanted to seek some thoughts. Thank you again Kate. Lottie


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  • #180817

    justbella
    Participant

    Hi Lottie,

    Good that the ex doesn’t do confrontation and isn’t brave.

    I hope you won’t mind my saying something about the M.D. here on your thread, but as I thought about the ex not doing confrontation, I thought, “If only the M.D. didn’t do confrontation!”


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  • #180823

    lottie
    Participant

    No Probs Kate,

    It doesn’t matter I didnt want to change the subject on C5. I have near choked laughing at you saying if only MD didn’t do confrontation.ha ha ha


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  • #180852

    Liz
    Participant

    Lottie, while I think that you should go to the tea, there would be some part of me that would be a bit more cautious than usual at the tea. You have an open heart – I’ve seen that on these boards, but in this post you have given so many (in my opinion) “orange” caution flags. The ex-friend still being a potential issue, the level of nosiness of this new neighbor, them asking for advice, asking about you – I’d proceed with caution. See what this new neighbor does and says and most importantly wants to know before you let yourself get involved. I do hope that it all goes well for you, but I’d be leaving myself many outs until she proves herself to be good friendship material and not someone looking for gain from you.
    Best of luck to you Lottie and I hope that you update us on how it goes!


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  • #180872

    lottie
    Participant

    Thank you Liz your comments are valued.

    I will be very cautious and feel quite iffy about going,although as of yet I have not received a call with an invitation, so I am not overly bothered with having good sound advice from you and the others.I will be prepared. Its the exfriend who concerns me AND if she is still big pals with new neighbour.
    The exfriend as I said earlier is not brave and never will be.She always enjoyed mischief making. She wore the cloak of Lottie to hide from trouble,leaving me to sort it out,which I always did. But my oh my we did have fun,years ago in our young days.

    Thank you again Liz and most certainly will give an update if I even get a phone call.Lottie


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  • #180884

    Jacqueline
    Participant

    Lottie, I disagree with everyone here about your going to that tea! You are still feeling “iffy” and “overly-cautious”, so who says you “have” to go? Especially since you do not feel comfortable.

    And, how many times do people say, “Oh, we must get together for a coffee!” and never follow through? They mean it at the time they said it, though.

    So, my advice is that IF you do get an invitation to tea, and you really do not want to be in this uncomfortable scenario, you can always tell the neighbour that it is not a good time for you right now, and perhaps you can get together at a later date. And be non-committal, and just be polite and the lady that you are, Lottie.

    Just my two cents…..


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  • #180892

    lottie
    Participant

    Thank you Jacqueline,

    Your two cents are well received.

    I did earlier mention people use non dated invitations, get togethers and you must call just to end a conversation. It is a way of saying goodbye. My hubby tends to think it is meant…..

    He has just told me he has to go back to discuss more work with them. He will NOT give my mobile number to her so will have to pass a message through him first.

    One final word…they know ,that I know ,they are being nosey.

    Thank you again all who have taken time to post their thoughts.If I hear anything I will post here. Lottie


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  • #180917

    Jacqueline
    Participant

    Hopefully, it was just “talk” and nothing will come of it. You certainly have enough on your plate right now!


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