The Truth – Why Friends Dump Each Other
This topic contains 98 replies, has 14 voices, and was last updated by James 1 month, 3 weeks ago.
September 5, 2011 at 4:16 pm #2129
People move toward what feels good and away from what doesn’t. It’s not rational – it’s emotional. Sometimes the reason Friend A doesn’t like Friend B anymore is superficial – “I’m tired of that experience, I want another one.” Sometimes the reason is profound – “Knowing this person is causing me a lot of stress. I don’t want to deal with her anymore.”
The most important thing to realize is this: When a friend dumps another friend it’s never any indication of anyone’s worth. It’s just an indication of the emotional state of the dumper.
When a person is left hanging because a friend has dumped her in the cowardly avoidant way, it can leave unanswered questions. It’s confusing and hurtful. But the truth is that most people are selfish and don’t make having good manners a priority. And once an ex-friend shows her immaturity, it’s time to let go and forget – and begin to seek out friends among those who are capable of behaving like decent, mature adults.
September 5, 2011 at 5:13 pm #9034
When a person is left hanging because a friend has dumped her in the cowardly avoidant way, it can leave unanswered questions. It’s confusing and hurtful. But the truth is that most people are selfish and don’t make having good manners a priority.
I’d like to add that it’s not always a matter of having “bad manners.” I had excellent manners and was a very nice, sweet person growing up, as my mother raised me to be.
I was also taught to put others before myself, and that it was wrong to be selfish.
However, I was also taught that nice, sweet ladies should not hurt other people’s feelings by being direct or blunt (or that being direct was itself a form of rudeness that could hurt others), which meant if I wanted to stop being friends with someone, I could not tell them why.
I did not dump friends often, but when I did do so, I felt that if I told them why, that telling them why would hurt them and that it would be mean spirited and rude, and it was polite to keep my reasons to myself.
Not everyone who breaks up with a friend without giving them reasons or prior notice has malicious intent or has overall poor manners.
(I can see how it appears that way to the person being dumped – and I have been dumped many times myself by friends – but not all those doing the dumping are hateful or ill mannered types.)
September 5, 2011 at 5:24 pm #9038
I get what youre saying I do— but everyones experience is different. Okay, i will accept that you did the silent treatment because you felt didn’t want to say anything mean or horrible BUT I think you said that you were also on the receiving end of silent treatment?? Well, do you remember how that felt? How devastating it is? You’ve read me moan enough on how much it hurt me.
Can you see or partially see how the ‘power’ is the with the ‘dumper’?? because THEY KNOW! I mean , if i slept with your husband then obviously i would know why you dont want to know me anymore but most cases arent that extreme. If its at all obvious to the ‘dumpee’ why friend A dumped them then maybe they can go ‘oh yeah’ but most people don’t know. Soooo I would seriously say, please just a final email to something/brief even/ but just tell them so they stop tearing their hair out about a lost friend- stop going mad about why they have been dumped. It’s the kind thing to do. Honest, i cant say it enough. I know no one HAS to- but i think its the kindest way to let go of a long friendship. Maybe thats just me?
Im not asking to list their faults down- just a decent email to say- im really sorry but im finding this friendship too hard and dont want to hurt you but its best we let go’. At least they know its finished. They can email you after/whatever and go why why BUT you dont need to reply back to that. Youve done your bit- they just need to accept it.
No matter how hard it would have been for me- I wish my friend had told me directly rather than indirectly through the grapevine months later. The hurt from that is profound and colossal and im still reeling as you know.
September 5, 2011 at 5:43 pm #9040
But thats about your self esteem…. i certainly didnt feel that way and its not that i think im the greatest thing living on earth- i just thought we were soooo close that i cant believe how she doesnt feel the gaping hole where i sat… all the talks and discussions.
I do see your point of view- and can agree that for some it might be true. Trust me though- she isnt sufferring from self esteem issues and thinks im better off without her- ha she got my texts/emails – she KNOWS how hurt and confused i am and still is choosing NOT to contact me. Urgh- Lol it gets me sooo mad.
Yeah, see, i wouldnt have minded the slow fade. At least i would have some control and think ‘mmph she sucks fro keep cancelling on’ and i can feel annoyyed and think ‘mmph i dont have time for you EITHER’ but a quick sudden death is like ouch. I might never recover.
Wish people could be kind is all. And its like they justify it to others without teh full infromation so her and her partner all ”hating on me”- i feel like a right dolt!
I think I’m so darn nice you know and always treat people how I want to be treated. Why cant people realise how mean they are and try and make amends or learn from it? You cant go through life hurting people like that and not think it affects you.
September 5, 2011 at 5:58 pm #9039
Kloe, believe me, I was dumped far more often than I did the dumping, and honestly, I did not enjoy it either way.
I got dumped without being given reasons, which hurt, but actually, I think I preferred it a little more to the friends who blurted out in anger or frustration the cold, hard, blunt, honest reasons, like,
“You’re so boring, and I hate your hair, I never liked your laugh, you’re an idiot, that home made gift you gave me for Christmas was so tacky…” (etc)
Those words never leave your head – well eventually they do, but they linger for weeks or months.
At least with the silent treatment, I could think,
“Maybe it was not about me, but something else happened in their life they did not want to share with me.”
Most of the time when I did dump someone (it was rare), I let the friendship fade, it wasn’t usually a quick cut of death.
It was usually a gradual thing, I just stopped phoning as often. Some of them didn’t seem to notice or care, because I don’t remember getting any “why don’t you call as often?” inquiries.
Something else too, as I had no self esteem at all growing up, I always felt I was doing the friend getting dumped a favor of sorts.
I was picked on so much as a kid, I figured they’d be better off without me, and anyone would be a better friend for them than me, (even though I had good qualities). I always had a hard time making friends… even though I was very nice and considerate, I did not seem exciting and interesting enough for most females to want to befriend.
So I figured getting dumped by me would not be as traumatic as getting dumped by the super cool, interesting, rich, sexy, fabulous type of friend.
Edit. I wanted to comment on this part by Kloe:
“Maybe thats just me? Im not asking to list their faults down- just a decent email to say- im really sorry but im finding this friendship too hard and dont want to hurt you but its best we let go’.”
I don’t know. I’d think most women would probably press for details, they’d want to specifically know exactly what they said or did to make you feel that way.
I had an ex boyfriend do that with me when I broke up with him over the phone -(it was a long distance relationship at times), he wanted the nitty gritty “but why, why are you calling it quits,” and I resisted, he pressed, so I spilled out the reasons, and it felt very, very uncomfortable.
I think some ladies are like that too, they want the details, maybe so they can try to argue you into staying and not calling it off. It’s a very awkward, uncomfortable place to be in if you’ve decided for whatever reason the friendship is not working out for you or either one of you.
September 5, 2011 at 5:58 pm #9042
Kloe, I totally agree it would be nice if the dumper would tell you what you did wrong but unfortunately they are so self absorbed they don’t care how you feel. I do believe there are times when and explaination isn’t needed, as in an abusive friendship, betrayal, someone who steals from you, it’s obvious what they did and to be honest, the why really doesn’t matter. The long time friendships where one day out of the blue their behavior changes and they start talking to you like your “Nobody” and an argument starts and the friendship ends…Those are the type of friendships that are hard to understand “Why” but one thing remains in all situations…The friend has decided you are no longer important to them and they are no longer interested in being your friend. And they really don’t care if they have hurt you or not. These friends most of the time have ended the friendship because of something they are going through and unfortunately it effects everyone around them. You might of been important at one time in there life and they are moving on to the next stage and you are no longer needed….dismissed or thrown out like yesterdays garbage….Yeah it hurts but to be honest I would rather be thrown out than to spend one more day with someone who acts like this….good riddens to bad rubbish. I truly believe that we make more out of friends than they really are…..I had a friendship that lasted over 20 plus years and I had her on a pedistal and she had no problem dismissing me and years later when I emailed her she said she truly valued the friendship at one time but her life has moved on….So she told me how she felt but to be honest she didn’t answer WHY, she said she wanted to help me with closer…after years of her giving me the silent treatment…she had an oversized ego….only you can find closure for yourself. She never did explain why she acted the way she did. I just feel you have to take care of yourself and if the friendship isn’t working anymore mourn the loss and it might take a long time. It took me 16 years because I was given the silent treatment…I was a good friend and I didn’t mind owning up to anything I have done and apologizing for it …..So unfortunately bad things happen to good people….You learn from it and move on but always remembering the lesson you have learned…
September 6, 2011 at 1:26 am #9047
September 6, 2011 at 3:29 am #9055
I don’t remember laughing at the time, I remember thinking some of the reasons I heard for being dumped were shallow or weird, so aside from feeling a little hurt about it, I at times felt bewildered, or like the person was kind of weird.
I’ve had a few people over my life break up with me, and because I was never attached to them too much, or maybe I found them annoying too, that when they dumped me as a friend, I either did not mind being dumped, or I felt relieved (in those cases I sometimes smiled or laughed).
September 6, 2011 at 11:31 pm #9072
And sometimes it really shouldn’t be “out of the blue.” Sometimes people are so nice they let abusive friendships go on way too long, and then at some point they can’t take it any longer. The abusive friend might think it is “out of the blue,” but many times it is anything but. The abused friend has been suffering in silence for years and just can’t take it any longer. To have to explain would make the abused friend’s pain worse ,when the abusive friend should just know. How dumb can they be sometimes? So clueless? And then they think they are the ones who are hurt? They don’t realize the hurt they have caused all of these years.
It all comes down to perspective, I guess.
September 6, 2011 at 11:45 pm #9073
I’ve had friendships that have gotten so bad that to continue I would actually have had to ask stuff like this: 1) Can we please sometimes talk about what is going on in my life? And if I have a problem can you take it seriously and offer genuine support, not cut me off? 2) Please don’t insult or criticize me anymore 3) Maybe we could do other things sometimes instead of my helping you/doing favours for you all the time? 4) Please don’t scream at me while I am driving us through a heavy rainstorm. And so on.
In each case I finally thought: Sheesh, if I have to ASK for basic respect and attention, this is not a friendship. And it became very easy to walk away from non-friendships.
September 7, 2011 at 12:24 am #9074
Margarets–truer words were never spoken! It’s really not that unusual that some people have zero self-awareness and do not have the slightest clue how they come across to others. The odds of being able to reform an adult who exhibits the behaviors that you described in your post are slim to nil and really, who wants that responsibility? A one-off unpleasant interaction could be attributed to extreme stress–repetitive destructive behavior probably points to dysfunctional habits learned in the person’s family of origin and/or major personality/character defects. In the case of the latter, trying to talk to someone out of ingrained negative styles of relating is best left to a therapist. People typically don’t bother to change unless they’ve been dumped by everybody and their brother and even then they still may play the victim card.
September 7, 2011 at 12:32 am #9075
I was the abused friend who suffered emotional and verbal abuse for about 7 years, not totally suffering in silence (the times I brought her abuse to her attention she deflected back to me instead of taking responsibility for her actions). This summer I just couldn’t take it anymore when she and I were talking on the phone about grad school and finances. She complained to me that her husband criticized her for believing she could raise three children and go to school full-time on her own with no support from the state or family or friends. When I agreed with her husband’s point of view (she has never been without a boyfriend her entire life…she has mooched off every man she’s met for money and food, lying to them, misleading them to believe she has true feelings for them which she freely admitted to me at one point in our friendship)she flew into a rage, because I told her that although I don’t have 3 children to support, it’s EXTREMELY difficult to go to grad school full-time in your late 30s early 40s when you are SINGLE and have to work 3 part-time jobs around your 12 hours of classes a week. She said I was being unfair and dramatic to which I defended myself saying, “I’m being dramatic? You are being unrealistic! You take trips to Europe TWICE A YEAR on your husband’s salary. He pays for your living expenses, your food and your bills AND your children’s schooling while you attend graduate school classes worry-free.” She hung up on me (as usual), then proceeded to try to antagonize me further via instant messaging, thus ending her friendship with me online instead of over the phone or in person. She wouldn’t even let me explain my viewpoints EVER because the toxic dynamics of our dysfunctional friendship were: her way or the highway. She was always right, I was always wrong (in her view). I was too much of a doormat the way I allowed her emotional and verbal abuse to continue for nearly 7 years. Never again will I put myself through that with a friend. I’m short on friends in my life right now, but I have outlets like volunteering and meetup groups that could provide me with the opportunity to meet new people. Sometimes when your circle of friends becomes toxic, you have to leave them behind and find new ones. I like what you said about how abusive friends lack perspective in that they don’t realize how their behavior affects other people. They just don’t care about how others feel. My ex-friend is the perfect example of someone like that.
September 7, 2011 at 4:45 am #9078
Your post resonated with me. It’s true, when one dumps another, it’s not reflective of the dumpee’s worth…it’s reflective of the dumper’s state of mind. My ex-friend couldn’t deal with my emotional being…it caused her stress. She preferred to avoid issues rather than discuss them. I raised the issue of her distancing and she in turn, after lots of reflecting on my part, helped me to understand that it was her issue. I still feel rejected but it helps that I was able, on some level, to understand her point of view. Alas, there is no closure as such because we work together and we have mutual friends. It’s going to linger or at least take a long time before things get back to “normal”. I need to remember that I had a good life before my friendship with her and that it will continue to be a good life even after my friendship with her. Life changes. Time heals.
September 7, 2011 at 5:43 pm #9089
That is what my therapist said to me many years ago. That when you let a toxic friendship go on and on and on, and you are the only friend or one of the only friends that person has, you may actually be enabling that bad behavior. I think sometimes an abusive friend uses manipulative behavior to keep you in the friendship, because it would be too hard to confront the person and tell her what is wrong or to get out. I think I have finally developed the strength and tools to deal with such situations (or not get into them to begin with) but I have had many hard years with toxic friends and hope I am done with them.
September 7, 2011 at 10:32 pm #9098
I’ve done the dumping, not by choice initially, but when my then good friend deliberately downgraded me by distancing me and then let me know that I would now be a second tiered friend. I said thanks but no thanks. Even though the whole incident started with a small disagreement for which I apologized for. I realized that my self esteem would not allow me to remain friends. Friendship needs to be reciprocal, I don’t need any power struggle.
Another friend A start hanging out with my friend B and by the time I realized I was being squeezed out, it had gone on for so long that I didn’t even know how to approach it. How would A explain it? That B is more fun than me? That she just wanted a new friend? Or admit that she wanted to be the queen bee in control? I don’t think knowing the reason is going to help. The damage is done.
The only solution for me is to move on, not that it’s easy, but I think it’s the right thing to do.
September 11, 2011 at 4:39 am #9134
This is a very helpful statement. I think that is exactly where I am with a friend that I have been having issues with for years. I think because I had kept accepting her behavior and validating her faulty thinking, believing I was trying to be supportive, I actually made things worse for her. It has finally become clear to me that I am in a codependent relationship. Our relationship is unhealthy and it is important that I do not try to resolve our “problems”, because they were not about me. It was her emotional health that I was trying to support and that is not healthy for me. So, I am now taking a break from the friendship. Unfortunately, it was not possible to take this break slowly (even though I tried). It blew up, and I am not certain we can fix it now.
September 11, 2011 at 6:41 am #9135
I am just tired of not having my emotional needs met by my friends. I feel that I am supportive and try to say the ‘right things’ to them when they are upset or stressed or whatever… However, I feel that I am left out in left field when I have a need. Usually, I can’t even finish what I am saying about a child, or a problem or whatever, before my ‘so-called’ friend turns the conversation around and makes it about HER kids, her job, her life, her loss, or whatever is involved. She is a pitbull with the conversation and will monopolize it …not allowing any input or give and take. There are so many things that I am tired of and I just want to walk away. However, my husband wants the couples friendship to continue. I am truly weary of it all. All the b.s., bragging, inappropriate flirting, self-centeredness, control issues, I could go on and on! I shouldn’t be dealing with this crap at 59 years of age!
September 11, 2011 at 6:45 am #9136
September 12, 2011 at 4:35 pm #9171
I was a “dumper” to an extent. What had happened was too hurtful to me to outline the reasons. It may not be a case of etiquette, but sometimes not rehashing what has happened is the most less hurtful way out.
There are always three sides to every story, yours, hers and the truth, and it’s perception that gets in the way, no matter how long you have been friends.
September 12, 2011 at 7:49 pm #9181
Why do you need an email to tell you that? You should know it is that way by the behavior. Even if you got such an email, would that make you satisfied? I dont’ see how it would. You keep saying that people should be kind and that all of the power is with the dumper. Maybe sometimes the power is with the dumpee, and the dumper can’t stand it one more minute–is feeling suffocated by the dumpee–and can’t stand to face her and tell her. In many cases, the power is with the dumpee, and the dumpee’s behavior is causing the result. It would be healthier just to move on.
September 12, 2011 at 7:53 pm #9182
Totally, totally agree with this post, Eaglewings.
September 13, 2011 at 8:42 pm #9198
Right now I am in a tough situation. I am the abused friend too and I don’t speak up I know it’s bad I should I’ve always been so shy and I let her walk all over me but shes very intimidating too. She always is asking me if I’m mad, what’s wrong, why am I so quiet, what’s bothering me. I find it insulting when she keeps saying that I look angry in front of people she seems to like to do that and I’m really not angry at all I try to tell her that. She also asks me if she sees me take out my phone to answer a text who am I texting and always wants to know if it’s my best friend. Then she’ll get mad at me if I can’t get together and wants to know who I’m getting together with and where am I going. There is this guy I like too and she wouldn’t leave me alone about asking him out and said I was aggravating her. I see him when I go walking and she kept bugging to come walking and said she would talk to him for me! I tried to avoid the conversation everytime she would bring him up lol. I feel really bad but I actually have been distancing myself from her I did try to tell her last week how I felt but it was weird she got like offended and texted me the next day saying we need to get together soon and how she hopes to see me soon. I know its not right but I just need some space from her I do get stressed out and I don’t want to have to get like this over someone.
September 17, 2011 at 11:11 pm #9270
I think that dumping someone and leaving them out in the cold is COWARDLY. Sometimes a person is harmful, in which case I understand avoiding the person. And if you start avoiding them, they know what they did. But if someone isn’t harmful, why not be decent? You could say something like, “We’re not getting along as well as we used to. I’d like to take a break.” It doesn’t have to be sudden and cold. A person can be nice about it. If you just ditch a nice person for no reason (s)he will wonder again and again what they did wrong. How you were raised is no excuse. Being dumped like that is worst than being blatantly rejected.
September 17, 2011 at 11:55 pm #9277
Why are people so awful? Just be honest – but above all, be kind. Don’t make up stupid excuses or say terrible things. Just inch away with respect. BE NICE. People drift away from each other all the time.
September 28, 2011 at 2:56 am #9457
Anonymous said (and wow, I am sensing a lot of anger in your post at me specifically, and for some reason I don’t understand),
“I think that dumping someone and leaving them out in the cold is COWARDLY.” …How you were raised is no excuse.
It’s not an “excuse”, it’s an explanation.
I did not know any better up until my mid 30s (and after having read books by therapists for pete’s sake), because I was taught that one does not discuss one’s true (negative) feelings with other people.
I don’t know if handling something that way is “cowardly” or not, but again, I was taught from childhood that nice, sweet people are not blunt and direct with others, because doing so is rude and mean.
When you are raised a certain way, you know of no other way of living life.
When you’re raised like that, you do not know any better. I had no other role models to teach me how to deal with relationships and people.
Why fault me for something that was not my fault?
I had no idea what I was doing. My mother was a poor role model in that one area of life (my dad did not play a hands on role, he gave me no insight on how to deal with people, basically).
But if someone isn’t harmful, why not be decent? You could say something like, “We’re not getting along as well as we used to. I’d like to take a break.”
What if you want that “break” to be permanent, and not temporary?
Most of the dumping I did was in my teen years. Most of the people I dumped because they had annoying traits or grating personalities I could not take for another five minutes, or we just grew apart (our interests changed, and they even seemed bored by my company).
Somehow, I don’t think they would have enjoyed me telling them straight up, ‘I’m dumping you as a friend because you are totally annoying.’ (I think that would’ve added insult to injury.)
Is there really a “nice” way to tell someone you find them annoying and grating?
What do you do if you give a vague, “I’m so sorry, but I don’t feel this is working for me,” type of response, and they reply with, “Details, though, details, I must have details, I need to know exactly what it was I said or did to turn you away, so I can fix it and we can stay friends?!?!?”
(And you have absolutely no interest in giving them any details, you just want the friendship to be completely over.)
Being dumped like that is worst than being blatantly rejected.
If you just ditch a nice person for no reason (s)he will wonder again and again what they did wrong.
I’ve had it happen to me many times (as I’ve stated several times in this thread and others), and I survived just fine.
You’re also assuming everyone I dumped was “nice” (some of them were not).
People and their emotions are not as fragile as you seem to think they are. They hurt for a few weeks or months over a friendship break up but heal and get on with life and make new friends.
Though I was dumped without explanation many times as a kid, (and a few times as a young adult), I’ve gotten past it.
I’m over 35 years old now – if I was still simmering in rage today over the time I was 23 and two of my friends dumped me with no warning (which did happen), that would say more about me than about their dumping.
September 28, 2011 at 8:12 am #9458
Every time I’ve dumped a friend, I had a reason. To this day I can tell you the EXACT reason and it’s always a good one. And in each case the friend had already repeatedly shown a total lack of interest in my feelings. There was literally no point in attempting to raise my concerns with them. They would have just gone on the attack. (And I don’t stay friends with people who attack me.) Quite frankly, I’d gotten past the point of caring if they were hurt. I just wanted out.
September 29, 2011 at 9:30 am #9489
Unless there was something absolutely heinous, I’m not quite sure why people would just break off a friendship with no feelings. I think if anything, they don’t have to break it off, but just play a lessor role in their life. You never know when you could use that friend farther down the line.
September 29, 2011 at 2:33 pm #9490
I’m with you. The very word hurts and offends me: dumping a friend. I don’t even feel good about saying downsize a friend.
October 1, 2011 at 3:36 am #9500
Sometimes “friends” can be quite horrible. There are many examples on the blog and the forum. The “friend” might think they were dumped for no reason, but usually the dumper knows EXACTLY what the reason is. They are just too hurt/angry/fed up to bother. They’re done.
Think of it more like a romantic breakup. Sometimes there really isn’t anything to discuss anymore.
October 1, 2011 at 5:22 am #9505
Some things shouldn’t have to be discussed because the reasons are as plain as the nose on a face. If someone is or has become so oblivious to the impact of their own behavior on others and is so lacking in empathy that they can’t put themselves in another person’s position then no amount of discussion will help. In my experience, the kind of people who assume that others will consistently put up with their self-centered behavior aren’t really good candidates for personality transformation. Why should someone who is already at the end of the their rope submit to more abuse by trying to explain why abusive behavior is well, abusive? Believe me, in the case where I dumped someone, they got plenty of rope to hang themselves and they used it all up and then some. At that point I wasn’t exactly concerned as to whether or not they achieved peace of mind or closure as I was still reeling from their crappy treatment. If this person goes to her grave wondering what happened she’s more than earned that burden. If she ever has an epiphany and actually APOLOGIZES then there might be room for discussion, but I won’t hold my breath and I wouldn’t expect better behavior from her afterwards in any case.
October 1, 2011 at 12:37 pm #9509
Sometimes, when relationships end, there is intense communication. We’re provided with more information than we bargained for. Maybe there’s one last face-to-face conversation, a few texts or a phone call. Whether we agree with the reasons or not, clearly the friendship has ended — and we know it.
However, when someone we’ve come to know and trust, disappears from our life without word or warning — it’s not so much about the who, what, when, where and whys — as it is with closure.
One of the most painful exit strategies is Silent Mode.
As people, we’re hard-wired for resolution, the need to understand when something begins and when it ends. And so it is with our relationships, most begin with with one word — hello — and at the very least they should end with one word — goodbye.
October 2, 2011 at 4:34 am #9512
Thank you for this well-written comment. I agree with every word. Just as an example, I dumped a work “friend” because he had taken to criticizing and insulting me on a near-daily basis. I would literally go into work each day wondering what it would be – my appearance, my eating habits, my spending habits, my vacation plans. At one point he actually pointed at my breasts and laughed, making some comment about how my breasts would sag as I got older. No way was I going to ASK him to please not insult me any more. He was, at the time, over 45 years old. It’s not my job to teach adults basic courtesy and social skills.
Of course, it wasn’t like this in the beginning, otherwise I wouldn’t have become friends with him the first place. It was one of those common cases of a person thinking “anything goes” once they are sure of you.
October 2, 2011 at 7:32 am #9514
how some people assume that being “friends” gives them carte blanche to be rude, disrespectful and completely out of line? It’s as if they live in a world where the closeness and intimacy in a relationship or friendship means license to abuse. I guess that’s what they’ve learned as victims of someone who extended them the same poor treatment. I’m sorry your work mate was so rude to you. He probably had a crush on you and like an awkward adolescent boy he didn’t know how to show you in some positive manner. Or, even worse, as you stated, he is the type of person who invites friendship only to ambush you with treatment you wouldn’t expect from an enemy. Perhaps he’s one of the, “I don’t like anyone who actually likes me types” in which case if you were as nasty to him as he is to you he’d be serenading you with violins and casting rose petals at your feet. I find people like the man that you described utterly exhausting and can honestly say that his type only serve to make the company of furry friends that much more appealing.
As a side note, he’s quite lucky that you didn’t report him for his idiotic comments about your body as that bit of stupidity on his part would most likely be considered sexual harassment and/or contributing to a hostile work environment. Honestly, what are people like?
October 2, 2011 at 11:01 pm #9517
October 5, 2011 at 9:30 pm #9552
Unless there was something absolutely heinous, I’m not quite sure why people would just break off a friendship with no feelings.
Sometimes people lose interest in the other person; people drift apart as they grow older or one goes through one big change while the other does not (example: one woman gets pregnant, has a baby while her friend remains single with no kids).
I’ve known people with annoying habits I didn’t want to confront them about, so I just stopped hanging out with them.
The person being dumped isn’t always an evil, horrible person, but there are other reasons a person may not want anything to do with them.
I think if anything, they don’t have to break it off, but just play a lessor role in their life.
I think it depends on the particular friend and the situation. I’ve met people I wanted to cut completely out of my life, not just cut back on a tad.
You never know when you could use that friend farther down the line.
That is not a good reason to hold on to a friendship, and it’s actually not the definition of friendship; it’s merely keeping someone in your life so you can use them to get your own needs met.
Just as “Second Banana” friends can almost always just tell that they’re “Second Banana,” even if the friend does not spell it out for them, people who are being used for favors eventually figure out they’re being used and cut off ties with the user.
October 5, 2011 at 10:04 pm #9555
Wonderwhy…I know you and I have shared our stories before and reading this post (Im trying to catch up on old posts) only reminds me again of how horrible it was, Im sure for you and I know for me…Do you think these types of people ever see or understand how their words and actions can be hurtful..even after months of no contact?..Do they feel regret and wish they had done things differently to save the friendship?I still feel sadness today at times, but dont regret having to walk away…and really I never did intend to walk away, but like your friend, mine too refused to hear what I had to say, deflected and blamed…nothing was ever her fault and she was always very creative at spinning things in whatever direction suited her at the moment…I know in past posts I noted that I didnt acknowldge her b-day a few weeks back and barely audited a “hello” when I saw her at a town function…(which Im sure she has turned around and made me out to be awful for these things) she has had plenty of opportunity to let me know if she wanted a friendship and she hasnt done anything…I wont chase her, which is what she is expecting, as that is what I had always done in the past, I was a doormat like yourself…even today, I would be willing to hear her out and talk about what happened…but she will need to come to me, but the friendship would never work as it was..I am not the same person and certainly wouldnt put up with all the baloney again…Like yourself, Im short on friends right now…lonely at times…but the stress, anxiety, mind games, etc…etc…just werent worth it. I hope to have a great connection with someone one day…I hope you do as well…
October 6, 2011 at 1:14 am #9559
I hear ya! I have stepped away from a friend who is rude and insults me almost every time we get together. Or I should say, when there is at least another person. She has to have an audience. And of course, she doesn’t t get it. She went to visit a mutual friend, who later told me that she has no clue why I won’t do things with her anymore. Am I going to explain to her what is wrong? I hope not, and I hope she has the grace not to put me on the spot by asking me. If she doesn’t know what she has done, nothing I can say can help her.
October 6, 2011 at 1:20 am #9561
I had to stop talking to a friend too I feel bad its been a month now. But it was just too much insulting I had to deal with and she just wasn’t nice to me at all. Saying hurtful things and she was somewhat possessive too. It was too much to deal with. I didn’t really tell her how I feel I just hate confrontation so I just thought it would be easier to stop talking to her. We have such different personalities; we just weren’t alike and it just wasn’t a normal friendship like all my others.
October 27, 2011 at 6:43 am #10003
I completely agree the only time I will lose contact with someone is if I feel I have been the one making most of the effort to stay friends..what I think is sad is female friends wont confront you if you do something they didn’t like they just will cut you off..and then we wonder why many guys can keep in touch with their buds for so long because they dont play the mind games with each other..I have a brother and father I know..guys tend to just say what ever to their friends..I also find it annoying when I hear some women say they just dont have much in common with other ladies..if I only hung out with people I had everything in common with whether single married or have children..I would not have many friends at all..just like in a dating relationship how many guys have we dated that we really had everything in common with..we just have to look at peoples good qualities..everyone has something about them that could make them a good pal unless they are just a plain mean spirit person that is hard to be around.
October 27, 2011 at 7:02 am #10004
I understand your point but many times friendships break over petty little things because someone accidently said something that came out wrong to the other person..that they didn’t like..we are all humans and make mistakes and let people down some times..I am not talking about people that attack us, I would not stay friends with people that do that either..I had a friend that just recently stopped talking to me and I cant figure out what I said or did to her its been about a month and a half now.. I watch everything I say to people I am not a rude or out spoken negative sarcastic person..all I can think of is maybe she has some personal things going on in her life right now..and just been to busy to reach out..hopefully that is it.
October 29, 2011 at 3:07 am #10027
When growing up, I became best friends with the new girl in town. She seemed so kind and was also fun to be with. We pledged our devotion as best friends to each other and were inseparable at the beginning. But I was on the shy side, and she was outgoing, and she soon made many new friends and began to ignore me, which made me feel very sad and lonely. Sometimes she included me in group activities with her other friends, and sometimes she shocked me by telling me horrible names they called me behind my back and how they didn’t want to hang around with me. For example, on the last day of school before summer vacation, when I was looking forward to a fun summer and finally getting back to spending some time together, she said she was forced to chose between me or them and she chose them. This was so devastating to me that I became physically ill for the next couple of weeks. Over the remaining years of school, the friendship continued as an on-again, off-again, hot-and-cold thing. She would avoid me in the school cafeteria for entire semesters and I’d either hide, eating my sandwich alone in a bathroom stall, ashamed to eat at a table alone, or I’d hang out with a girl who my parents didn’t approve of, but at least she accepted me. I shed many tears over missing my friend and over this whole situation because I had an idealized notion of what friendship was supposed to be. When we’d first met and connected and got along so well, I’d imagined a wonderful companion to help each other along through the teen years and together experience all the joys and challenges that go with it.
As young adults, she telephoned me again after a couple of years of no contact. She said she was sorry we’d been out of contact and would like to see me again. I was thrilled. (I never learn, right?) Well, as usual, it didn’t last. Eventually, she took issue with something I did. I listened to her complaint and I saw her point and sincerely apologized. I assured her I would never do it again, and I kept my word. If I hadn’t kept my word, I would certainly understand why she’d stop calling. But I did exactly as she asked, so I really couldn’t understand what the problem was. But now I’ve figured it out. It’s dawned on me after reading this blog. The problem was that she probably had other issues with me that she did not voice to me, so I was unaware of them and I was therefore unable to address them. This was unreasonable on her part. But I guess it was difficult for her to be completely honest (which I think in retrospect it always was) so she just blamed it on one thing, when what was really bothering her was something else as well. She basically just didn’t like me. I had become a different person than the young, shy child that she once knew. She wasn’t comfortable with who I’d become, even though much of the person I’d become I actually feel was a reaction to how I was ostracized by her and her group as a teen. Ironically, she contributed to who I became (and I’m sure she has no insight about that) and she doesn’t like the result!
This is all ancient history. We have had no contact in many years. I don’t wish her harm, I suppose somewhere inside I wish her well, but I have no interest in ever trying to re-create what was only good about 25% of the time, and what was not so good about 75% of the time.
I have to say that I do not have a lot of faith in female friendships. Maybe I just haven’t found quality people, but I hesitate to trust anyone. I have been betrayed by other women as well, but this story stands out in my mind because it started at such a young, vulnerable time in my life. At this point in time, I pretty much keep to myself. I have the people who are important to me right in my own family and that’s all I really care about or need.
November 6, 2011 at 11:12 pm #10103
Which is why they act the way they do, and often forget about other people’s feelings or (in the case of my last BFF gone bad) go out of their way to push you out of their lives. My problem is that I do see the signals, but I have always given the BFF-turned=backstabber the benefit of the doubt. In this case, my so called sister started getting unbearable about seven months after the death of her stepson, and then completely intolerable when her husband began to cheat on her and she had the nerve to get me to spy on him. I said no. She was so arrogant about thinking she could turn my friends against me that she never assumed that my friends would stay my friends and report to me every lie and exaggeration she was telling behind my back. While other BFF’s gone bad have at least apologized, this “Friend” went so far that she bonded with my insane former business partner and is possibly encouraging her to sue me.
Never again will I be so hard up for friends that l let somebody steal, pray, throw my stuff away, take my posessions from me, berate me in front of others, throw my disability in my face etc.
Human are the only animals on the planet who hurt others because they can.
January 10, 2012 at 12:33 am #11673
January 10, 2012 at 1:19 am #11674
My husband used to know a man who was extremely needy and also a terrible user. He admitted that he had problems stemming from his very unhappy home life growing up but the problem was he never tried to change and he would wear his dysfunction as sort of an oh, pity me badge of honor. He used to call my husband EVERY day and complain to him about everything under the sun. My husband has the patience of a saint and most things just roll off of his back. That said, I eventually had to ask him what he was getting from this guy other than a sore ear from listening to him. At about the same time, Mr. Whine-o-matic betrayed my husband in their shared professional realm and that was the end of that. All the signs were there that this guy was not a stand-up person and unfortunately my big-hearted husband let his behavior slide until it cost him professionally. Sometimes when people show us and tell us what they are all about it’s a good idea to pay attention.
April 4, 2012 at 10:46 pm #14450
My family has been through alot. I tell my daughters, when a friend disappoints or disappears, that some people just don’t have the life experience it takes to (want to) share these difficulties. It’s not necessarily about you, but perhaps about some emotional short-coming of theirs.
June 18, 2012 at 8:39 am #16614
Speaking from experience as a reformed dumper…my reasons were often selfish and I usually regretted the decision later on, only by then it was too late.
June 18, 2012 at 7:04 pm #16620
I am right there with Eaglewings!…You perfectly summed up the ‘friend dumping’ issue.You hit the nail on the head!..I feel you only have a confrontation conversation if you are willing to go forward with the friendship..otherwise nothing needs saying….Life just goes on.
June 18, 2012 at 7:21 pm #16623
I think if you ‘dumping or being dumped’ a lot..you need to take a hard look at yourself and how you deal with friendship…
June 22, 2012 at 12:15 am #16712
I’ve been direct with some of my ex-friends when I dumped them and some I just didn’t tell that I was dumping them. For the ones who didn’t get a heads up, I knew they weren’t going to listen; I mean they ignored me when I complained that they were treating their friends like crap. I was a brat in high school, but at least I can admit and learn from my mistakes. Even though I have matured a lot, I still don’t expect perfect friends. My ex-friends who made me look like a saint would never change even if they admitted their controlling, self-centered behavior. Another one, hates confrontation so I’m doing her a favor. Instead of talking about the problems, she preferred to buy me presents to erase my frustration. In fact, I think she wanted the last laugh, so she started a text conversation with me and when I had a question she flat out stopped talking to me.
I’m beginning to see why some people on here say:
” Just avoid them from now on it’s no use talking to them blah blah”. Being straightforward with some certain people can really stir things up and make things worse. Almost all of my ex-friends blow up when they receive criticism from a friend and vehemently deny everything. At the same time, I see why it can be seen as cowardly.
June 24, 2012 at 4:21 pm #16788
yes. i tried to have that conversation- granted i was feeling defensive – but nevertheless i ended up ending the ‘friendship’ by saying that i was tired of asking her to be my friend. her response was-“all the best to you”.
what the f? 25 years- gone in a poof. Just like that.
June 25, 2012 at 9:56 am #16813
Disagree. Ending a toxic friendship is a very healthy way to deal with a bad relationship that is getting you down. Those of you who are dumped, sometimes I agree that you have been treated unfairly. But sometimes you need to stop playing the victim and also take responsibility. Maybe your friend dumped you for a very good reason – were you being selfish, treating her/him badly, being too demanding, needy, negative, disrespectful, competitive, pushy?
People grow and change. There may be some lifelong friends but many enter and leave our lives and circumstances change and that is okay. Be more adaptable and flexible perhaps instead of clinging on to something that obviously is not working for the other party.
June 25, 2012 at 10:06 am #16814
In some instances it is nice to give an explanation. But not always, particularly if the person being dumped has behaved badly.
Sometimes if someone is being controlling, demanding, negative, draining, disrespectful, you cannot blame someone for wanting to end the relationship, in fact, it is best they do.
The lack of explanation may also be because the person being dumped has historically been very stubborn or not a good listener or not willing to admit their mistakes or likely to say something like ” you are being too sensitive’ so why bother? Best to just walk away.
June 25, 2012 at 10:08 am #16815
Totally agree, some ppl just aren’t going to listen or its no point trying to get them to see things from your perspective. They are just too pigheaded. Just walk away and you do not owe anything to such people.
June 26, 2012 at 9:42 am #16842
I totally agree with you! Well said
June 26, 2012 at 1:01 pm #16845
When you regretted the decision, did you ever try to contact the other person to say sorry?
June 28, 2012 at 6:43 am #16887
I tend to be the friend who does the dumping but I always reflect on my own behavior and ask myself, “Was I being unreasonable..selfish etc?”. Acknowledging that I was a brat in high school made me mature a lot; though I notice that I’m still maturing because occasionally I do things that I regret. Nobody actually told me I was a brat, probably because there were bigger ones in my circle of friends and my friends and I just tolerated a lot back then. Now, whenever I slip up, I apologize to my friends. My ex-friends however, mistreated me and other friends more frequently and showed less remorse.
I think we should evaluate not only the toxic friend’s behavior and that of our own as well. The person doing the dumping isn’t always the victim.
July 1, 2012 at 11:31 am #16964
I really agree with you too. I recently let go of a friendship with a bunch of people as I’d always feel bad about myself after catching up with these people. I’d feel belittled and harassed and manipulated. They did not recognise boundaries and were very intrusive in my life. I actually felt really harassed and it was impacting on my mental health. When I distanced myself, they were of course very nasty about it and totally made me out to be the ‘bad guy’ and were absolute guilt trippers. All I wanted was out of the relationship so I could breathe again.
July 1, 2012 at 11:40 am #16965
Yeh whatever it is, she/he has made their decision and whether or not you feel it may be petty, their decision needs to be respected.
July 2, 2012 at 5:57 am #16986
I have friends that use me to get at other “friends” of mine then I find out later that they are “doing ” things together and not calling me.
My sister actually is hurting me the most because she has talked about all my friends in a negative fashion and now is making plans with some of them for trips and dinners out and more. My “so called friends” never really know what was said about them. I feel so bad when I am with them because of all the negative things that were said in the past and find myself crying when I get home or even in the car on my way home. I’m way past this silly age of games and such as I am in my 50’s.
July 2, 2012 at 7:06 pm #16992
It is not worth it for your friends to know those things said about them as that would not benefit them and it is just someones opinion. Also there is better places for your energy than to engage with people who gossip and say negative things and then you feel guilty for knowing those things, when it is not your baggage to take on.
I learned this the hard way too and it took a lot of time that is now freed my not dealing with work “friends” who I once thought were friends but were just using me to get information and to vent to over work after work for hours. Hearing the negative things that one co-worker thought about me from another was not useful and was very hurtful so that is why it is good for you to not pass it on but don’t take it on either.
That that you didn’t repeat it is acting with class and professional, no matter what your relationship with these people is. It is your sisters spew that she said not nice things about these friends – that spew does not belong to you., and is a reflection of something going on in her own life.
I can tell you to fret and cry about this is not a good use of your time and life energy by rehashing it in your mind – rehashing just keeps the imprint in your mind too ready to recall – when you could be focusing on the good things in life and living in the present and letting that go to not have it consuming time and energy.
Unfortunately, it seems that people play games at any age – in one place I worked the most mature person was 19 and the older ones in their sixties the most immature.
It can be helpful to garden, even in a small place, cook, having a bird feeder and caring for the birds, spending time with nieces or nephews, relatives, your pet, or even write – making characters of situations and friends in your life – but make them different too and caricatures of people in writing, that only you see and it is a great way to get through emotions and people things, and work things out via your characters and help yourself, or learning a new skill.
Since being away from user friend drama I’ve spent the time I used to spend on the phone gossipping, listening to drama and being part of work dram in learning to sew and have made many things and learned a lot iand feel emotionally better by not being ensconsconsed negativity.
With your friends who you feel are using you to get to others, there is a good saying ” never make someone a priortity who treats you like an option” and be like Mr Lee from East of Eden, obtuse with games and not engaging with the drama or listening to that kind of conversation,
July 4, 2012 at 12:23 pm #17047
just got dumped by one of my friends. i guess in someways i did saw it coming.
is it hurtful, absolutely.
sigh… this is life, move on to new friends i suppose.
though one thing i learnt is dont look back and dont feel bitter.
July 5, 2012 at 7:12 am #17060
That’s a mature perspective. I don’t hold grudges against ex-friends who leave unless they owe me money or something and refuse to pay it back. When I leave bad friends, they’re usually furious. I mean, what did they expect when the refused to be more considerate after I had confronted them about their bad behavior? I am always civil with them, but that has no effect on anything. I hope you move on. No one hangs on to every single one of their friends for a life time.
July 18, 2015 at 11:32 am #156378
Someone wrote that a friend’s response to another friend dumping them without a conversation was “absolutely heinous” to have done. This made me laugh as I imagine the friend who was dumped the “lifelong friend” treated the dumper in an “absolutely heinous” manner to warrant such an abrupt end. Clearly, if a person is invested in the friendship long term they would probably try to resolve things if they thought it were possible via a conversation. I also think the dumpee knows EXACTLY what happened to incite such an end to a friendship. Most people don’t maintain long friendships without knowing the boundaries each have to regard to do so. Another thing, if all these dumpees valued the friendship so much, why don’t they APOLOGIZE and start the conversation? Me thinks they know they went too far.
July 6, 2012 at 8:01 pm #17096
I dumped a friend without a word, and honestly, my only regret is that I didn’t do it sooner. Her behavior had gotten so hateful and so bizarre that I was genuinely afraid of her, and I thought cutting her off without a word was kinder — and safer — than saying, “You’re a loon. I’m tired of being a target of your temper and your bizarre outbursts. I’m not the first person to run screaming from you, and odds are I won’t be the last.”
January 30, 2014 at 12:07 am #133312
I agree. She knew what she was doing to you, and she knew what boundaries she had crossed; therefore, she didn’t need you to explain it to her. On the other hand, if she truly didn’t know what she was actually doing to you, and she had a really bad, bad temper, then it would not change her if you tried to have a meaningful talk with her. It would just result in another temper tantrum, and nothing would change for the better.
You did the right thing, under the circumstances.
August 9, 2012 at 8:32 pm #17920
my best friend dumped me after 20 yrs (well it was kind of mutual) for the reasons you listed……hatefulness, bizarre behaviors, etc. BUT, as things turned out, I ended up very ill and in the hospital w/severe neurological problems, it was actually life-threatening. When I informed her (e-mail)of the reason I hadn’t “been myself”, her response was to call me a liar, and laughed at me, calling me brain-damaged. I was shocked at the cruelty and the indiffernce to my situation. I now am soooo relieved to have her out of my life, as I quickly realized how stressful the friendship had become for ME. I am now happy, healthy, and found out just who my true friends really are. All this she says, b/c she felt I slighted her with a face book comment!! truth was, her man didn’t like us being friends and that comment i made was a lousy excuse to dump me! Funny thing is, she’s no longer with the man either!!
December 18, 2013 at 8:09 pm #126158
This won’t be long like the others. But I have been on both ends of the dumped and dumper in friendships. In middle school and highschool I had been dumped and told why and I remember balling crying and being so emotionally devastated I could barely talk I was crying so hard. It was in the summer of 8th grade.
Now I had dumped a person in highschool because things just felt different and everything in our group of friends were fighting, things were changing and I just didn’t feel the same. I hurt someone pretty badly but then tried to make up for it months later realizing this person was my best friend and how much I missed them..
December 19, 2013 at 8:37 pm #126292
I think it voiced down to how much you treasure your friend. I believe if both parties treasure each other’s friendship, they will accommodate each other and sort it out when there are problems. But when one party feels that it is okay to go without another person, he/she will not make the effort to communicate and resolve differences.
May 19, 2014 at 1:26 pm #141259
It’s interesting to see everyone’s thoughts on dumping a friend. Other than outgrowing friendships naturally, I would dump a friend if and only if he/she displays negative behavior repeatedly. Dumping is last resort for me. While I haven’t dumped many friends, I think both the silent treatment and communication work. It just depends on the friend.
Silent treatment should be used if you know that your friend isn’t willing to listen. Yes, it can be rude. However, it is much better than dealing with an overly defensive friend who can’t face the problem head-on. There are times when silent treatment doesn’t work. I dumped a toxic friend by not replying to her texts for nearly a year. She continued to text me as if nothing had happened. It was quite bizarre.
Communication should be used if you treasure the friend like the previous commenter said OR there is room for improvement. Communication will only work when the friend is willing to listen and cooperate. Everyone responds to confrontation differently. I had a friend whom I distanced myself away from. She didn’t seem to understand why I was pushing her away so I laid it out for her by pinpointing the problems I had with her. She sent me a letter justifying her negative behavior and turning the tables on me. It wasn’t surprising since she’s always been that way.
When a friend refuses to see the issue in itself, it only validates the dumper’s decision to dump the friend. I agree with one of the previous commenters about how most people don’t dump friends out of the blue. There is usually an underlying problem.
June 23, 2014 at 11:21 pm #141995
How interesting all these points of view… and hopefully cathartic for all the contributors. I am hoping to gain some insight into my own dilemma/s. First: I’d been very close with my friend Laura for about 8 years beginning in our early 30’s. After my marriage ended, I found myself having to move out of state. I HATED leaving the friendship, and we cried and cried over it together. I offered her to come stay with me as long as she needed/wanted to, if she ever wanted to move to my new location. The following year, my 21y.o. son (still living in Laura’s state) was married and I flew back for the wedding, stayed with Laura, all was fine. Sometime the following year, her phone changed & she did not reply to emails… her husband did not return my calls… she just disappeared. I honestly thought maybe she’s died. Turns out, 2yrs ago, I saw her on LinkedIn! I right away emailed her.Nothing. (more exchanges than this, but no need to express all details here). So i am left with truly no idea why this happened. Obviously, I did our didn’t do, SOMETHING… but what? I have grieved over this loss for nearly a decade… and will always wonder.
More recently, a male friend (100% platonic) from work dumped me. We’d become very close, sharing an office will do that, and even more so after leaving our jobs (separately) to go elsewhere. Our friendship was about 7yrs. He became serious with a woman who is SUPER possessive and jealous, and that was that. She did several sneaky, shirt things… and I cannot ( nor wish to) compete against his future wife for his time or companionship. She’s horrid and I suspect things will go South soon enough for them, and it sucks to see such a nice person get sucked in. And although I know the reason he and I don’t see each other anymore, it still hurts so much and I miss him. But at least I know. I know that he choose his partner over me… and it’s logical. Shitty, but logical.
I’ve gone on long enough… thank you to anyone who’s read my words; I’m glad for this forum to expires myself:-)
June 24, 2014 at 9:21 pm #142004
Sometimes ppl dump friends because the friend has been saying and doing mean things to the other friend, for quite some time. The friend has called her out on the mean things she said and did, and nothing changes for the better. So the “injured party” has had enough finally, and she then does the slow drift away from the toxic friend.
Other times, one of the friends changes and grows in different directions. One develops new interests, or moves far away, or changes jobs and meets new ppl and so on and so on. In this case, it’s no-ones’ fault.
People change, that’s life. Not all friendships last forever. I read that the average length of a friendship is seven years. This is life, and that’s the way of it sometimes.
The main thing is that even when we loose a “toxic ” friend , there is something that we can learn from each friendship, even, or especially the ones that hurt and end badly and sadly.
Remember that time heals all pain,and we can learn from these relationships, and move forward as better and stronger people.
June 26, 2014 at 10:11 am #142036
i started noticing my friend intruding more and more on my life. i got her a job ~ told her never back stab me at work.after a series of things she did i thought why is she competing with me at work? she wanted my job, my friends, etc. she was jealous. one day she went over my head and then started acting really smug. one day i told her that what she did bothered me. she threw it back in my face and made me feel guilty saying it was my fault….. wth ?!! at that moment i started making an exit plan. she sided against me and i haven’t heard from her since. i cut off all communication with her, work associates, mutual friends. she has never contacted me. i feel hurt and betrayed. i feel used. but i have learned that i will no longer be used by people.
June 26, 2014 at 7:17 pm #142043
Shocked and saddened
Anonymous – I feel as though even if what happened was “absolutely heinous,” that’s one person’s view of what happened and they may not have all the facts. If you’re truly friends with that person, you should have the courtesy to tell them what you think they did wrong, and allow them to defend themselves. If you can’t come to an agreement after that, so be it.
Shocked and saddenedQuote
January 27, 2015 at 5:18 pm #148362
“When a friend refuses to see the issue in itself, it only validates the dumper’s decision to dump the friend. I agree with one of the previous commenters about how most people don’t dump friends out of the blue. There is usually an underlying problem.” USUALLY the underlying problem is their mental disorder.
When I dumped my friend it was definitely not out of the blue; she had been negative for sometime and kept blowing it my way. She plays all kinds of head games and tells lies to stay on top, to control others, and to put others down. Completely toxic, very insecure, yet a master of manipulation. She doesn’t get along with anyone for long, eventually her methods got her fired from her job. I would tell her that the way you are treating so & so at work isn’t a good idea, but she just wouldn’t listen. Anyway, she started treating me like she had others. Chances are if you got dumped by a long term friend, you earned the dumping.
January 27, 2015 at 11:26 pm #148378
I agree with what you say, Olive. It’s never just out of the blue. There is usually a history of the dumpee being toxic, rude, gossipy, negative, unreliable, and even when called on it, they are still in complete denial. So then the other friend decides to do the slow drift.
Taking to them didn’t make any difference, in fact it usually only brings out their denial and bad temper even more. So the other friend is not being rude, but instead they are acting in a self-defensive way. Talking to the dumpee didn’t help, it only made things worse, so the hurt party has to defend herself and go her own way. Of course, the dumpee will say that it came completely out of the blue…and they had NO clue (Despite the fact that the friend talked to them about their bad behavior/treatment, called them on their rudeness etc), they still claim that it was COMPLETELY out of the blue. I guess it’s called denial.
February 1, 2015 at 9:04 pm #148557
There is absolutely nothing wrong with letting a friendship that has not been working, fade away. It is not cowardly. There is no point in rehashing everything if all one wants to do is move on.
February 2, 2015 at 10:39 pm #148602
I completely agree, Maddie.
February 4, 2015 at 1:15 pm #148722
To the Anonymous who wrote “I get what youre saying I do— but everyones experience is different. Okay, i will accept that you did the silent treatment because you felt didn’t want to say…”
Your friend dumped you for a reason. MOVE ON already.
April 26, 2015 at 9:48 am #152228
I think it also depends on how much your friend–the dumpee–values the relationship. If it is just an acquaintance whom you are sure won’t even mind losing the friendship, then it may not be necessary to. I mean, why bother? It will just add unnecessary drama to your life. That was the case with one of my classmates at university. We had known each other for only a semester, and throughout our whole friendship, I had to put up with her mean comments about my looks, academic ability, and how she was wasting her time by spending it with me. The last straw came when she said that she was degrading herself to be my friend because I am physically disabled. This was when I realized that she was only using me to give her free tuition, and cut off all contact with her. Looking down on somebody because of a disability is something that I would never accept, and since we were not even close, I didn’t even feel bad for cutting her off without an explanation.
If, however, you feel that your friend really values her relationship with you, and would be very hurt by your ending the friendship, you may want to give her the chance to talk things out so that she will at least have some closure about its end, even if you can’t fix things. This was what I wish my best friend of around two years had done. I had felt insecure about our friendship, and kept asking her if we were close for a few months, and apparently she had found this habit so annoying that she had to cut things off with me without even speaking to me about it. Why, I hadn’t even known that she had found it annoying, much less to the point that she was ready to walk away from the friendship! It was only after more than a year that I got confirmation from a mutual friend about why she ended the friendship, and by then I had already spent so much time mourning my loss and trying to revive the friendship, which obviously wasn’t salvageable.
I just wish she had trashed things out earlier, so that I could have let go of the friendship sooner instead of pinning a friendship which was only valuable on my end.
April 28, 2015 at 5:13 pm #152263
I don’t completely agreed with the original post. Sometimes a person is dumped because she/he deserves it.
April 28, 2015 at 6:57 pm #152270
It’s complicated, and friendships can end over many different things. If the average friendship lasts for seven years, then let’s face it , there are a lot of dumpers and dumpees out there.
Sometimes, one person is quite mean spirited and the other (hurt) friend calls her out on her bad behavior and /or mean comments/flaking out etc, AND subsequently the negative vibe STILL continues. Then as a last resort the *injured party* decides to phase that friend out. Reason: Told the *friend* a number of times about her hurtful, mean comments/behavior—she doesn’t listen doesn’t care–can’t take it anymore…time to phase her out.
Why phase out that person? A number of reasons: She has a bad temper; she is insensitive to other ppl’s feelings; she’s rude and opinionated; she pays NO attention when asked to stop the insults etc. Analysis: She just doesn’t listen/doesn’t care; you’ve talked to her several times to NO avail, etc, etc.
She may claim otherwise, but she KNOWS full well how mean she is and how awful her comments are to her friend. She knows.
This is one of the main reasons that people phase out a *friend*.
Other times it might just be that they have both grown apart, and grown in different directions, and then they both just drift apart. No “meaningful talk”, no explosive drama. Just drift apart.
The upside of that is that if you bump into her at a social event, you can just say a quick cheery Hi, and move on. Or in future, the friendship may be rekindled relatively easily, as there is no bad blood between the two of you.
In both of the above-noted cases, all parties know, maybe deep down, but they know why the friendship ended, if they are really honest with themselves. People know, but often don’t want to admit that they know. It can be painful.
But the thing is that life is a learning process, and we can all learn from every friendship (good or bad)and hopefully become better people and better friends as a result.
April 28, 2015 at 9:16 pm #152275
Hi there, I badly need some advice pls.
I had a very good friend, to the point of BFF, that has recently betrayed me. Not just me but my bf and also another mutual friend of ours.
I will try to write the incident as clearly as I can.
There are 3 of us (not including my BF).
I’ll name them as A1 and B1.
A1 – she runs a photog co, for weddings. We were very close. With her family, kids, husband. We all hang out almost every other weekend. When I got divorced she was there for me. When she was gg thru such bad financial times, I was there for her. Basically we helped each other out.
B1- single mother, with one adopted child, not working and depending on govt support. Another very close friend of mine. A lot closer than A1, as I’ve had to help her out so much, we got really close. She’s got lots of issues, really bad ones, with BFs, with family, etc. I’ve always helped her out, emotionally, financially, physically, you name it, I’d be there for her. And I’d rope my BF to help too.
Abt a year ago, A1 came to me, crying, her husband was having an affair. To cut the story short, I was shocked because I know her husband loves her and their kids to death. I had every faith in him that he wld never disrespect his wife.
AS I have been thru divorce myself with a kid, I cld understand what she was gg thru.
However as time went on, and I hear more and more from A1, abt her husband’s “bad treatment” of her, I became skeptical. I’ve always believed in Cause & Effect, there’s no smoke without fire. I will always try to see things laterally or think abt the other version of the story. I gave A1 all the help and support I cld. She threatened our friendship twice, saying if I ever tell him she’s in my home or she pops round, she will never call me again.
I was surprised, I thought, there’s no need to threaten. That planted a seed of doubt in me. Eventually listening to all her rants and complains etc, I realised she’s being vindictive and selfish towards her family, husband.
For eg: She used her daughter, aged 10 at the time, as a “spy” and a messenger to her husband. She cut off all communications with her husband (although they live under one roof, but separate rooms) he cldn’t call, msg, or get in touch with her. Any msgs etc goes thru her daughter.
I have advised her, warned her, not to use her kids, not to make this nasty, not to be vindictive, think of the kids. Divorce is bad enough without using yr kids. But she wldn’t accept my advise. She kept saying it’s not her, it’s him.
B1 knows abt it too, and agreed with me.
A1 have turned up at my home at midnight, with big luggages, and without her kids, running away from home. I told her then, how can u not bring ur kids with u, ur their mum and he can use this against u. She said, he can hv custody of the kids, as long as he gives her access.
I was SHOCKED. She wld ask to loan money to pay her photogs, or ask to use my credit card to book flights etc, to which I wasn’t comfy with, as it is for her own business. She wanted me or my bf to be a “shareholder” so she cld get a corporate loan as we are the only ones that hv stable jobs and salary. Knowing how manipulative she can be, I was wary of getting too close and hvg to help her in her business financially. I did not want any part of it.
Anyway, fast fwd, I realised thru her own rants to me, on FB, social media, (yes, she literally advertised her husband’s infidelity etc) she’s playing victim. I cldnt accept what she complained abt, and I tried to advise her, but any advise that doesn’t support her 100% = to bad friend. She wld ignore me and not call me for weeks and weeks.
I finally decided I have to slowly slip away, thus I called her less.
B1 was also involved in it, as she has had to help A1 out a couple of times in letting her stay over or dump her “staff” when she has events.
All this while, B1 knew of my discomfort in supporting A1 in her vindictive ways.
Then one day A1’s husband contacted us (me & my bf). This was like almost a year after and we agreed to meet for coffee. By then we were already wary of A1 and her quest to ruin her husband in whatever means necessary. We heard the husband’s side of the story, and it wasn’t anything new. We already deduced what may have happened and he was merely confirming our assumptions. Of course the short affair he had, was wrong and he knows it, but as the entire marriage has escalated to a vile point, it was futile to save.
Eventually A1 drifted further away from us and us her. She did not add us in her new FB, until we started chatting again in a grp chat that had me, B1, my bf and A1 in it. Then she told us to accept her request.
We hv another group chat together with B1, me, my bf and A1’s husband. A1 did ask before if we were still in the grp chat (she was part of it too before but left) and I lied and said no. We didn’t chat much to be honest, it was only to fwd jokes etc. There were only 2 convos that did involve talking abt A1. B1 said she wants to remain neutral and was not comfy to share info. Which we respect. We weren’t’ sharing any info that wasn’t already known by all parties.
Fast fwd: A1 blocked me, and my bf on social media, abruptly.
I checked with B1, and she hemmed and hawed and delayed response till after almost a wk and she said she was removed too. However not blocked on FB.
A few nights ago I had 3 similar dreams in 3 nites consecutively. I called B1 and told her I dreamt abt her and A1. She laughed it off and downplayed it.
I found out from A1’s husband, that B1 was out with A1 for an entire Sunday with kids in tow. I was shocked.
And that A1 knew most of our convos in the grp chat, which I wld assume came from B1.
I was so disappointed.
I have since left the grp chat with B1 in it, and so has my BF.
We felt that if she wanted to remain neutral why was she giving info to A1 and letting her know abt the grp chat we had plus more.
I don’t feel bad abt losing A1, she knows where I stand in her fight for divorce, but for B1, after all that I have done for her, she cldnt even tell me she’s been talking behind my back to A1.
What shd I do?
I have not contacted B1 since I discovered, and she didn’t call me either.
I have known B1 to be manipulative, making use of me sometimes, but I pity and symphatise with her and son, and I will help however I can.
But I thank God that I see their ways now, and as much as it hurts me, I know maybe it’s best I move on?
Shd I just move on, delete her from my social media and accept that she betrayed me?
April 28, 2015 at 10:19 pm #152280
All you can really do now is to cool it. It looks like those two have back off from you already. There isn’t much else that you can do at this point. You can only learn from all of this, and move on.
April 29, 2015 at 9:45 pm #152302
Thank you Lauren. I have deleted my entire social media accts, and not been in touch. It’s difficult as my heart hurts. There’s anger, resentment, sadness, etc.
But I’m keeping them in check and trying to focus on more important aspects…
April 30, 2015 at 9:55 pm #152334
You’re welcome, Broken. I really hope that your pain diminishes soon. Don’t hold any grudges, but instead just think of all of that as a life lesson, and you will emerge as a stronger person. Time will heal your pain.
I wish you all the best,
May 2, 2015 at 6:14 am #152379
I dumped a friend quite recently and didn’t give an explanation. I know it’s harsh but I will explain why. I posted about her on this forum last year and the general consensus was that I needed to put down boundaries. So I did. I would say, “I don’t appreciate you speaking about my boyfriend the way you do. If you don’t have anything nice to say don’t say anything.”
A big problem was her wanting me to drink with so I told her never to contact me on a Thursday night asking to drink. I have to be up at 6 am every Friday morning for work. I told her time and time again not to do this. It would last for a week then she’d start asking me again.
Anytime I try to raise any issue with her she says she never did anything or she was only joking or that I’m lying! Where can you go from there?
May 2, 2015 at 4:18 pm #152388
I agree Anonymous but I just posted something last night (first post ever) about a friend who odd and makes me very uncomfortable most all of the time, but I still continue to give her rides to some events or make nice when with mutual friends, etc. and I still need validation on how I might proceed with interacting with her. Most everyone says not to bother telling her because it most likely will end badly. if I faded away and occasionally saw the person and they asked me in all ernest what was going on, I think Inwould then fess up and tell them, kindly. If the friend is only an aquaintence (I know its hard to tell if they view you as only an aquaintence) I think it is easier to deal with the shortcomings of an aquaintence. In my case, my friend pulls everyone into dramas and tells me the truth but tells groups of people other things to keep the drama going. That is sorta hard to take. I just sit and smile and feel really uncomfortable.
It makes me wonder how anyone can keep friends when we are all from differend ethnicities, different parts of the country or world and different upbringings. I have a friend that I have had for 25 years and we can really talk to each and even tell the other some hard things that we might rather not hear. Somehow we do it with love and good intention and we have never had a break in our friendship.
May 2, 2015 at 4:54 pm #152392
Not a caring or helpful comment. Compassion is a virtue.
July 18, 2015 at 5:23 pm #156394
While I have much empathy for your situation, it appears that your pain at being dumped has led to some beliefs which are not helpful. About 10 years ago, I was going through a very difficult time. Well meaning friends dumped me because they couldn’t handle my irrational behavior. I don’t blame them for that and I wish them well. I have had users dump me because the time came when I needed their help and they didn’t want to be there for me the way I was there for them.
As I moved into my late twenties and early thirties, I learned to walk away from friendships which were not positive. Any time I dumped someone, I did not always tell them the reason because I felt that having that discussion would be pointless.
My most recent friend break up was the result of calling her out on her awful behavior. She could dish out negativity but she couldn’t handle someone standing up to her. While I miss the person that friend was before she married into money, I had to accept that she had changed and she just wasn’t as nice.
July 21, 2015 at 2:30 am #156483
“My most recent friend break up was the result of calling her out on her awful behavior. She could dish out negativity but she couldn’t handle someone standing up to her. While I miss the person that friend was before she married into money, I had to accept that she had changed and she just wasn’t as nice.”
What was her awful behavior? How did you call her out? How was she negative? I am wondering if my friend is like your friend. Trying to figure out what to do.
July 22, 2015 at 9:39 pm #156626
My old friend’s behavior was putting me down for living in a city apartment, as well as not having as much money as she did because of whom she married. There was so much
bragging as well.
I wrote her an email saying that I didn’t appreciate her comments. Her response was to
“step back” and then a week later, she sent an email saying that she wanted to see me for ten minutes. I wasn’t interested in seeing her again, so I didn’t even bother to respond.
August 5, 2015 at 6:46 pm #157353
Several years ago I was in a car accident and was badly injured. Before this accident, I was quite popular and attended many social events. All of my “friends” stopped calling me after they found out about the accident. People would contact me via social media, but they didn’t actually see me. It’s been a painful thing to realize how superficial people can act. I’m lucky to have one real friend in my life at the moment. Friends ultimately cost time, energy and money. If you’re going to have them, make sure they’re good.
December 1, 2015 at 2:16 am #162525
As an introvert, I lack the skills and confidence to make and keep friends.
Despite that, by some fluke, I ended up becoming friends with a really extroverted lady and soon became part of her social circle.
For over ten years, she was always the one extending the invitations. I was always the one accepting them.
After she married and had a baby, she, understandably, needed to prune her very large circle of friends. I was one of the first to go. She didn’t say anything. She just slipped away. There was nothing I could do.
It still hurts so much–even now after twenty years. I recognize that I would have coped better if I had had other good friends. I still miss her and fantasise about bumping into each other again one day and renewing our friendship.
But it’s over. I still need her but she doesn’t need me.
It’s just the way it is.
December 1, 2015 at 2:58 am #162528
I am sorry to hear that the friendship ended. Would it be possible to contact her now?
You could ask about her family, and perhaps you could ask them over to your place to visit? Or is it too late now? It is certainly something to think about. I have heard of people getting together after some time has passed.
December 1, 2015 at 2:56 pm #162541
Some people dont need or want an explanantion as to why you are dumping them. I got rid of a friend a few months ago after deciding she was just a person on the take. It became clear to me when she had a falling out with her own sisters for accepting invitations to lunch but never paying ever. She told me she was really mad at them for now leaving her out of stuff and not being bothered with her for repeatedly doing this to them.So she knew exactly what the problem was,but refused to fix her behavier,saying they were in the wrong. She had money,she just spent it on herself. She would always cruise around to friends houses for lunch and coffee while contributing nothing. Her husband damaged her mothers car,blowing up the engine and they didnt even fix it or pay for it,her mother just let her off because her mother is a push over.They still had money for new packets of cigarettes though when they came over to eat lunch I noticed. She harped she had paid 3k for an operation on her dog and had managed to clear her credit card debt,so she wasnt poor at all.She even cried poor to me hinting for financial help with her mortgage at one stage,yet they had money to drink etc. I was suspicious of her and never lent her any luckily.She just ook what she could get from whoever was silly enough to give to her. I had enough after 6 years,so I told her I was busy with some family stuff and I would contact her in future,which I havent bothered. I got sick of her just visiting when she felt like it for lunch I paid for every time.She would only talk about herself,and cut me off when she had enough. She never even bought me a coffee once in 6 years. But she would use me for transport when she felt like it. People like this know exactly what they do to others, so its their own fault if they feel upset or embarrassed at being dumped. They also have no intention of changing their behavier so whats the point in telling them?. Its not always a given that you need to sit down and tell someone what is wrong,not if they wont appreciate it and will become hostile. Not worth the drama,better just to move on and away from them,they will get the silent message eventually.A slow fade is good in these instances.
December 3, 2015 at 2:38 am #162632
Sometimes you stop being compatible with friends. To be honest what I find more depressing is when people stick with childhood friends no matter how horrid their behaviour gets. It’s like watching someone in an abusive relationship.
December 18, 2015 at 8:53 pm #163376
i had a very good friend,used to pop round every week to see me,now he has joined a walking group,and i have been dropped,i also go on walks now and then with this group.he arranged a meal with members of the group,and we caught him out,by chance having booked a family meal at the same venue,i was so embarised and hurt that he had left me out, the odd times we are out with the walking group ,he will ask other members to go out on meals ,to the cinema ,etc ,but i am always left out,but in the past he would ask me to help him in his garden,but i bet he would not ask his new friends,i really feel used and sad ,that somebody i thought was a good friend could change so quickly,i still pop into see him when passing,but he is always out with his new friends,he has not popped in to see us for over 2 years,but finds time to see friends 200yards near us,i feel like having it out with him as i have nothing to lose,as i have lost him
December 18, 2015 at 11:00 pm #163378
It may be better to just leave him alone and let things be. We cannot force others to be our friends, and he has chosen to move on. So perhaps, let it be.
It hurt so much to feel the pain of a lost friendship, but the best thing is to move one and find new friends.
Perhaps even think of joining a different walking group, and also join a garden group.Maybe even join a “meet up at the movies” group. This way you will make new acquaintances and friends.
Sometimes, people just change and then they leave old friends behind. it happens, and many times it is no one’s fault.
think of the good memories, and then move on without bitterness, and seek out new friends and acquaintances and new friends.
December 19, 2015 at 12:11 am #163380
I once had a female friend -one who I’d known for a few years and really liked – confess in an email that she often felt obliged to see me. It was, I’ll admit, a tricky situation as I wanted more and she didn’t so there was that big ol elephant in the room so to speak. But gosh, it makes you wonder just how many of your so called friends often feel this way.
We recovered from the above and did stay in touch but at a real distance. It was the beginning of the end.
As I get older I’m realising that most people are pushed for time for various reasons or would rather spend time managing their social profile than actually engage in catchups with people. You really need common interests to hold it together. eg, surfing or cycling etc i.e a reason to see (like) each other.