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Too late to try again?

This topic contains 5 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  B 4 years, 3 months ago.

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  • #70409


    I have an opposite sex friend who until earlier this year, was very close to.  We are probably too old for the “best friends” moniker but we were in every sense of the words.  I helped him get over his last 2 breakups, a really difficult personal situation he encountered, and helped him launch a business.  People always asked us if we were a couple which we denied but somewhere along the way, I did develop feelings.  Being together so often, I didn’t think I could get over that without being honest and telling him.  When I did he didn’t admit feelings back, which I was ok with, but he seemed to be ok with this knowledge and I did my best to move on and maintain the friendship.  Long story short, we got into an argument one day and he used it as an excuse to dump all of this stuff on me about bad things he thinks I’ve either said or done (but never once talked to me about!)  He ended the friendship, our business interactions, everything.  I tried a few times to reach out and mend things but he has no interest.  Other people have been in his ear about all of this and he has chosen to believe whatever it is he’s heard (he was never specific about it so I’m not in a position to defend myself).  I’m having a hard time moving on from this because there are so many unanswered questions and we’ve been through a lot together.  We’ve known each other a long time and even have at least a dozen mutual friends still.  Do I try to reach out again and sit him down or is this one to chalk up as a life lesson and move on?  To say we were really close is a drastic understatement.  I’m so confused by it all.

  • #70412


    You said you tried a few times to reach out already and he has no interest. At this point I would let it go and maybe he’ll reach out to you at some point. There’s really not much you can do and any further moves by you could be construed as pursuit, since you confessed to him that you had “feelings” for him. It sounds like that event (you’re telling him you had “feelings”) changed the relationship and it’s unfortunate but something you should probably “chalk up”. If and when you see him through mutual friends, I would do my best to stay casual, friendly and don’t confront him – I think that could backfire.

  • #70518


    I know this is hard but try to start grieving the friendship instead of repairing it. He must have more reasons than just you confessing your feelings, so if he will not share those with you then your hands are tied. BUT try to recognize that he is not being a good friend to you, by not allowing you the oppurtunity to have a chance to defend yourself. So hard as it is, try remeber the friendship as a good time in your life, but start laying down the ground work (emotionally) to find your next best friend. The day where this man played a large part in your life is mostly over.

  • #70542


    Well, Fallon, since you are having a hard time moving on from this long-term friendship, I would try “one more time” to reach out to him.  If I were in your shoes, I would send him a handwritten note, written from your heart, expressing exactly what you wrote here.  I have done this myself, when my BFF ignored my emails and phone messages (they are easy to delete), but took notice of a little letter I wrote and sent the old fashioned way – in the mail!  I say that at this point, you have nothing to lose, and it will give you closure – that you tried everything you possibly could.

    Good luck, and I hope this all works out for you.

  • #70566


    Oh boy can I relate.  I went through a similar situation when I was young.  My best friend was a guy.  We were as close and as intimate as two people can be without a physical relationship.  I was in love with him despite myself.   Like you, I told him.  Years later, I found out that he had, in fact, been in love with me too.  But our wires were crossed and we never went to the next level.

    Instead, we had a cooling off period.  We resumed a friendship, but it was never right.  He couldn’t fulfill me or I him.  When I wanted something more, he backed off.  When he wanted something more, I backed off.  This went on and on over a period of eight years.  At one point we didn’t talk for several years, but I reached out to him again….

    And you know what?  I was wasting my time and more importantly, my emotions.

    This guy cares for you, no doubt.  But as with me and my friend something was off.  If you were just friends, I’d say reach out to him.  But be honest with yourself, what you feel is something more.  Every moment you spend thinking about him, you’re wasting precious time.

    You deserve to find a man who loves you, not a friend who will, at best, reappear on occasion, only to disappoint you again.

    If you really feel like it, there’s nothing stopping you from trying to resume your relationship to get your answers/closure.  But it’s a waste of time.  This relationship is a dead end.

    For my part, I stopped talking to my friend and I can honestly say that I couldn’t care less about him anymore.  At all.  I’ve moved on and now have a “friend” who also loves me and only me.  No hurt feelings, no cold disappearances.  No pain.  Don’t you deserve that?  I think you do.

  • #80966


    Hi Fallon,
    I find this type of male/female “friendships” really fascinating. I don’t totally trust them from my own experience, and for exactly what has happened to you. It’s very very rare for this type of friendship to stay just friends. Inevitably, one person develops romantic feelings for the other.
    I agree with the two replies above. But if you write a letter than make it kind and make it for closure, a goodbye letter. And then you have to let him go. You cannot be friends with someone you have romantic feelings for. It’s not fair to either of you.
    If you pursue this friendship, believe me, I know from experience, that it will only get worse.
    It’s best that it’s ended.


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