Welcome Box-Book Recommendations
Ask the Friendship Doctor

Time to make new friends?

This topic contains 7 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  talia 5 months ago.

  • Author
    Posts
  • #178808

    Kaori
    Participant

    Before anything sorry if I wrote so long, but I felt that if I didn’t so.. you wouldn’t understand my situation lol. So, here I am.. I have a strong friendship with 5 people I would dare to say that this what people call “true friendship” I have known this people for 10 years althought we have many years we aren’t that close. I know this people since we were in middle school and obviously we were young and as long as we grow our relationship was “changing” few of the group got boyfriends or were busy living their life’s.. anyhow every 2-3 months we hang out.. Yet… the problem is at the beginning of the year let’s say that I faced a “emotional crisis” and made me feel a bit anxious about my relationships and lonely in someway.. So, I felt in the hurry to meet with this friends more frequently and thats what I did.. BUT… the problem is that I start to believe that this friends are not that type of friends I believed that had..in other words.. my opinion about them changed.. I think that i’m starting to feeling that my friends are a little bit “toxic” For example I have this friend from the group.. I felt that this person is so critic.. I mean I feel that I can’t talk about my everyday life.. because every little thing that I do she critices and even so.. she made that critic in a tone a bit “harsh” in other words hurtful.. then there is this friend that is somewhat.. I don’t know how to defined it but sometimes she irrites me.. I wonder if I should stay in touch with them.. of course it gives me a bit nostalgic because I know them for so long.. and we lived many things since we were teenagers.. still.. Sometimes I feel more appreciate from people of my College rather that my own friends..

    On the other hand, I have tried hard to make new friends but sometimes is hard you know to start again lol… and tend to comeback to this relationships..


      Quote
  • #178810

    dakineukulele
    Participant

    Hi Kaori!

    Thanks for sharing! I think it’s realistic to say that the more you spend time with people, you begin to see subtle characteristics that begin to reveal themselves in a bigger way. This is pretty normal. I’ve seen this with close friends who went to college from high school with me. We lived together for a year, and I began to see tiny little things that would annoy me. At the end, we all grew apart. They would say I’m too clean and quiet. I would think they were messy or loud.

    Recently, after spending 1 year in Korea teaching, I realized my friends were not the nice people I was led to believe. It became more noticeable that when I asked to do things or hang out with them, the answer was no, or there would be no reply.

    So, be comforted at the fact that you are not at fault. People change all the time, and we can’t really help them if they don’t see what’s wrong. I wish I had known my friends were toxic for me. Basically, if you have a gut feeling that there are negative feelings in your friendships, stop, take a deep breath, and move on.

    I am having a hard time readjusting and finding new friends, but I’ve found good relationships with coworkers that help fill that void. You can do it! 🙂


      Quote
    • #178811

      Kaori
      Participant

      Hi Dakineukulele!
      Thank you for taking the time answering. I see what you mean and thank you for your words I appreciate.. You know is hard for me to say good bye.. because they are like my first friends so is kinda of nostalgic and I have certain attachment to them but in the long term i know that in some way they aren’t that good to me. I know that I have to look for people that would understand me the way I am. On the other hand, if you need someone to talk you can contact me, and support each other.
      Thank you!


        Quote
      • #178880

        dakineukulele
        Participant

        You’re so welcome Kaori 🙂 glad that I was able to give some useful advice ! I’ll be sure to take you up on your offer haha!


          Quote
  • #178813

    Socialite
    Participant

    Hi, Kaori!

    From what you write, I believe you are in your college years? You see, in many ways friendships in school/ high-school differ from what adult friendships look like and if we fail to recognize the difference, we are left with many false expectations. School provides the perfect environment to form deep, long-term bonds with friends and many times we are left with the expectation that these bonds will remain like this “forever” (hence the idea of BFF). The truth about real life is that nothing really stays the same forever and this is especially true with people and their relationships.

    You see, people change all the time under the influence of new experiences, new ideas and the new people they meet. Their circumstances change – people move, change jobs, get into romantic relationships, get married, have children etc. and any of these circumstances could make them less available for friendship. Also the relationships between people change all the time – any relationship is a *dynamic* between two people. It never stays the same – relationships evolve, change, become closer, become distant, then closer again, then the whole nature of the relationship could change and so on.

    The point is that most friendships are not “forever” or at least their nature doesn’t remain the same. For example it is very natural that 10 years from graduation you will see your high-school friends like 2 or 3 times a year if they live in a different city. But just because your relationship is not as close anymore, doesn’t mean that you are not “real” friends anymore.

    And here comes the other common falacy – for some reason many people believe that friendship is all or nothing. You are either bffs who adore each-other, or you better not speak to those people again. This couldn’t be further from the truth. Friendship is not all or nothing – it comes in a wide range: from acquaintances, through casual friends, then good friends, close friends, bffs and many other forms in between. And as I said any friendship (or relationship in general) is a *dynamic*, so it can move in different directions of the spectrum all the time. People expect that the only direction a friendship can go is to a closer bond, but it can just as well get a little more distant and this doesn’t mean it has or should be ended.

    You could start off with someone as acquaintances; then you hit it off and become close friends; but then your circumstances change and you don’t get to see each-other that often, so you go back ot casual friends. Then your circumstances change again and you are both more available for friendship, start hanging out again and form an even stronger bond than before. But then someone moves to a different state and 10 years from now you only hear from each-other like once a year… And this is all normal. It doesn’t mean that the friendship has ended or wasn’t real. Just that its nature has changed.

    A friendship is like a delicious piece of cake. Just because you ate it and there is no more left now, doesn’t mean that the cake wasn’t real or wasn’t good.

    So there is no need to cut people out of your life, just because your bond is not that strong anymore. You can just accept that at this point your friendship has moved down the ladder and is more casual than close; then enjoy what you get from this type of friendship. You don’t need to be super close with your friends to enjoy them. Casual friends can also bring much positivity in your life if you don’t let high expectations ruin it. You can still hang out with those people occasionally, enjoy each-other, chill and have fun. As I said, friendship is not all or nothing. You can meet someone like 4 times a year and still be friends and enjoy each-other’s company.

    Also at this point you need to start putting a higher priority on creating new friendships. There is this general idea that old friends are soooo important and nobody speaks about the importance of new friendships. And have you heard about the research that found out we lose half of our friends every 7 years? You can google that. So if you don’t put an effort in making new friends all the time, you are bound to remain lonely and bitter at your old friends for not sticking around. While this is just how life works.

    One more thing – if you take a look at other people’s relationships – most people don’t spend most of their time with their lifelong friends. They spend it with the people who are currently in their proximity – colleagues from work, other moms from the mom group, people they met in their clubs or classes. This once again underscores the importance of creating new friendships with people who are currently available in your surroundings.

    Also when you make new friends, you won’t feel bitter at your old friends for having gone in different directions, because you won’t be feeling lonely. You will be able to enjoy your old friends when you get to meet them without feelings of resentment and failed expectations.

    I hope this gave you a few new perspectives to think about. Good luck 🙂


      Quote
    • #178881

      dakineukulele
      Participant

      That’s great advice socialite! The point about having a casual friendship but having high expectations really hit home for me.


        Quote
      • #178884

        Socialite
        Participant

        Always glad to help, dakineukulele 🙂


          Quote
  • #178909

    talia
    Participant

    Often the friends we make during certain times in our lives are based on circumstances. When you are in school, when you start working, various clubs or sports teams you belong to. When you have this thing in common it brings you together.

    But as people, we are always (well hopefully must of us are) growing and changing. Those friends we made in high school or college may now be in a different place in their lives. The friend you thought was so funny from your baseball team now seems like an obnoxious jerk. Some people are marrying and having families while others remain single.

    Some people you will keep as friends with the understanding that you may see each other less. Others you will outgrow and choose to move on from.

    We all need people in our lives who are there for us, both when we are down as well as when we have great news we want to share. Sometimes the people we thought we could count on let us down. As others have noted, it might be because their own circumstances at that time just don’t allow them to give you the time you need. However, as happened to me personally, some people are just bad friends to begin with, happy to take but not prepared to give back.

    Whether I see someone, regularly or just once or twice a year, my rule is that when I walk away from the encounter I’m feeling good – about myself and about the state of the friendship. There is no room in my life for negative toxic people who make me feel less than I should.


      Quote

You must be logged in to reply to this topic.

Visit GirlfriendSocial.com

css.php