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Straight girls, how do you take it when a lesbian friend/BFF romantically likes/loves you?

This topic contains 165 replies, has 8 voices, and was last updated by  The lesbian friend 3 days, 7 hours ago.

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  • #2384 Reply

    Ann
    Participant

    I recently talked to a lesbian friend of mine who was in love with her straight close friend and she confessed her feelings to the latter. My friend’s intention was only to confess her attraction but not to court the girl. The straight girl took it well, or so my friend thought. But my friend was surprised to know that the girl was feeling too awkward to hang out with her again although my friend didn’t court or made advances or harassed this girl, or chase after her like other male suitors would. Although, awkwardness is natural when one confesses feelings but like it was too hard for the straight girl to face my lesbian friend again. Was it because my friend is a lesbian,a girl as opposed to her usual admirers who were men?

    I haven’t been courted by a lesbian before so I don’t think I can help my friend on this matter. I can only give theories. But I would like to ask those straight girls out there who experienced being the receiver of their lesbian/bisexual friend’s affection. What was your initial reaction when your lesbian/bisexual friend confessed her attraction to you? How do you feel? Did you feel betrayed or flattered? Is it normal to want to stay away from this lesbian/bisexual friend? Can’t you trust this lesbian/bisexual friend with your friendship again? Are you still friends with your lesbian/bisexual friends? In other words, I’d like to get the straight girl’s perspective who were the receiver of her lesbian/bisexual friend’s affection on how do you see this friend afterwards and how it affected your friendship.

  • #61253 Reply

    Anonymous

    It’s normal to stay away because it’s AWKWARD! I would feel uncomfortable with a man I was platonic friends with approaching me with romantic feelings. We’ll…it’s just plain…awkward. And if the friend is lesbian, even.more.awkward. If your lesbian friend wasn’t interested in a relationship or anything of that nature, why mention her attraction? Not a good move. If I were on the receiving end I would wonder if the lesbian friend has had or continues to have hidden romantic thoughts.

    awkward. Uncomfortable. Uneasy

  • #61256 Reply

    Ann
    Participant

    thanks for your perspective.

    My friend said she wasn’t really interested in a relationship with the straight friend for some other reason but thought she should be honest or owe her friend the truth because my friend wants an honest friendship. It would feel like a lie long term if she keeps it to herself. She was in the process of letting go of the feeling, never really pursued the straight girl or anything.

    I do agree about the awkwardness though. I would feel really awkward myself. But do you think the friendship will survive after this? I mean, in your opinion, how can one restore friendship with all this awkwardness? What can my friend do?

  • #61257 Reply

    Anonymous

    and I think I would be concerned that by continuing to be friends with that person, whether they were same or opposite sex, I would feel like I might be leading them on and giving them false hope.

  • #61267 Reply

    Anonymous

    I completely agree w/the previous posters with respect to the awkwardness about the situation after your lesbian friend divulged her romantic feelings to this friend. There are probably a ton of things that people feel they should be completely transparent about. But one also must consider the consequences if they elect to do this also. Usually in any kind of relationship, whether they be gay or straight I think when one party is going to the point of confessing feelings as such, is not just because we can then go around saying, “well, at least I was honest w/so and so.” It’s done I believe to probe the waters, and to see what kind of a reaction one will get from the person on the receiving end of it. In this case, the other person isn’t lesbian, so of course a continued friendship probably would be uncomfortable for someone in her shoes. This is why I’m of the belief that one thing is to be honest.
    But if honesty then is somehow attached to exacting a reaction out of the other party, as in this case, well your lesbian friend yes, was very honest, but also w/possibly some expectations also. So it could be why the other friend could feel a friendship would be difficult to maintain, and people decide to distance themselves. Hope this makes sense and helps.

  • #61269 Reply

    Anonymous

    I think it will be hard, but if BOTH are willing to try it can work. It may even be an even better friendship. I believe in honesty, but also believe in an internal filtering system that helps determine what say out loud and keep to ourselves.

    And if your friend was “letting go of the feeling” I don’t why she felt it was dishonest to stay quiet.

    I also wonder how your lesbian friend developed feelings for a straight woman? Was the straight friend (as the other poster questioned might happen or be misinterpreted) leading your lesbian friend on? Or was your friend somewhere deep down there may be a slight chance w/the straight friend?

    Just thinking…thanks for posting this thought provoking aspect of friendship woes that appears new here.

  • #61270 Reply

    Anonymous

    I posted below before reading your comment. I share your feelings and totally agree. Thanks for saying what I was trying to say so much better (& without errors & typos :)

  • #61280 Reply

    Ann
    Participant

    Thank you for your response.

    No, my friend said she did it for herself and for their friendship. There was not any expectation at her end that her feelings will be reciprocated. She knows her friend is so straight but the feelings just came as a surprise to her as her straight friend was initially not really her type. She also respect her friend’s sexuality, you know being straight.

    She said it was hard for her to carry on having those feelings as she felt she was being dishonest to her friend. They were so close. She felt if she carry on not telling her friend, eventually her friend is going to know it as it will become too hard to keep within herself, and her friend will feel more betrayed with the pretense. It’s better to know now than later, if you will.

    My friend expects boundaries and changes in terms of closeness as a consequence from both of them, but it hurt her to know that her friend’s awkwardness towards her confession became too big for her to actually distance herself. She knows her friend as someone being open minded and gay friendly. She already know my friend was gay and accepted her.

  • #61281 Reply

    Anonymous

    As a lesbian/bi I have decided not to confess to a friend and feel it was the right decision. She was a close friend and I could tell she wouldnt be able to handle it. A couple of other times I did tell. I guess I thought the person was mature enough to handle it. I think when you like someone, even with a different orientation, you can perceive a mutuality that might not be there. By confessing and finding out that the attraction is not there makes it easier to get over it and be able to be friends again. Otherwise you wonder. I believe we should be thoughtful and considerate before confessing, think about the person and if they are mature enough to handle it, or that they dont have hang ups that would make it akward for them. We also have to try to determine what we ourselves can handle in terms of reaction from our friend, etc. I have always appreciated being told when people are attracted to me. I value honesty that much. AT times, friendships were able to continue, others a break was needed but we could come back as friends, other times ways had to parted permanently. Your not yourself when you are holding something big inside in your relationship with another person. That can be hard for theperson with the feelings.

  • #61282 Reply

    Anonymous

    Anonymous have you ever had a crush on someone who wasn’t availabe to you or didn’t return the feelings? We can’t help who we have feelings for, whether they are available or not.

  • #61283 Reply

    Anonymous

    I am finding the comments from the straight women on this board a bit insensitive. Gay women in general tend to be very accepting and sensitive of others. To just dump a friend, at least a close one, because they are attracted to you, well of course the gay friend should be sensitive to your akwardness, but it’s not a huge thing that can’t be worked through. It’s not a betrayal or a breach of trust in friendship. It seems we can’t win sometimes. I have had straight women who I have not been attracted to who have felt weird around me when they know of my sexual orientation, and others who feel betrayed because I never told them. It’s a huge decision for us about what to tell or not tell, and having to hide our true selves most of the time, it is nice to not have to do taht with our close friends.

  • #61285 Reply

    Anonymous

    As someone who is attracted to women I can totally relate to your friend and think what she did was appropriate and human. Many straight women can handle and work through this conflict in a friendship.

  • #61286 Reply

    Anonymous

    I personally dont see this situation as a frienndship deal breaker. If anything, when someone has told me they are attracted to me I appreciate their honesty and I value friends who have character. If the gay friend wasnt able to get over it after some time, ok , maybe best to part ways, but your friend seems like she has good perspective that this person isnt her type anyway. That’s my humble opinion, I really don’t think it’s a big deal.

  • #61289 Reply

    Ann
    Participant

    It’s sad to reflect on the possibility that the friendship will be hard to restore after the confession. I can imagine that, too. But I also agree that if both of them are willing to work it out, it can.

    I guess what my friend mean by being dishonest if she stayed quiet was the scenario where if you’re the straight girl and your were too confident with your closeness with your lesbian friend thinking there was no romantic interest from the latter. Then as the years gone by you learn that your lesbian friend had feelings for you after all, you will feel more betrayed than, say, knowing it earlier on, because if you will learn about it later , you look back on your closeness and it becomes tainted memories. She could imagine her straight friend will become more offended or will feel betrayed. That’s the kind of scenario my lesbian friend doesn’t want to happen.

    I don’t think that her straight friend led her on but they were just so close. My friend tried not to put malice on their every interactions especially the physical aspects like a hug or a friendly kiss. She confessed without intentions of or hoping a chance with her straight friend. She respect the fact that the girl was straight but the feelings just becomes overwhelming for her to keep inside, she said. The dilemma was just too great , I guess.

    My friend really cares for this friendship but recognizes that there will be changes. It saddens her but it hurt her that her friend became too awkward to even be friendly with her.

    I mean, if it happens to you, would you rather want to know about it earlier on or just drag it on for many years thinking everything was platonic on your lesbian friend’s side?

  • #61291 Reply

    Ann
    Participant

    Thanks for your response. It’s nice to hear also from the perspective of someone who is gay as how it feels like to be the receiving end of the cold treatment from a straight friend after confessing attraction.

    Although, personally, I would initially feel awkward should a lesbian or bisexual friend confesses attraction to me, I can’t imagine myself dumping my lesbian friend just because she confess to me. Like the previous reply said, I’d like it more if my friend is honest with me because I see it as her way of helping me how to deal with the situation (or vice versa) like maybe agreeing on some boundaries. Although, if a lesbian/bisexual friend is disrespectful of my own sexuality and would force or break the boundaries then perhaps I would rethink about the friendship.

    I feel for my friend because it caused her great dilemma before she confessed it and now it’s causing her even greater pain dealing with the outcome. Although, I assured her to give the straight girl space perhaps to think about the situation and maybe she will come around. But I guess the gap has widened.

  • #61292 Reply

    Anonymous

    After reading the original post, I understood from the facts given, that the straight girl in the picture knew that her friend was lesbian. My post was written with this perspective in mind. So, with all due respects, I’ve been on the receiving end of this, and can tell you, that after my friend shared those feelings with me, we thought we could still be friends. There was awkwardness at first, then I thought this issue had gone away. But about a few mos. later re-surfaced. So, no in my case I decided it was best to part ways. You’ve stated it’s a huge decision about what to tell/not tell, but again according to what the facts are about sounds like it really about divulging of feelings by the gay woman towards the straight woman.

  • #61294 Reply

    Ann
    Participant

    Thank you.

    I guess what came as a surprise to my friend was the reaction of her straight friend, you know the cold treatment as this friend of hers was supposed to be gay friendly, knows my friend was lesbian and was even supportive of my friend. My friend thought that although there will be initial awkwardness but she didn’t expect it would reach to a point of cold treatment from her straight friend.

    I think you’re right that one cannot be easily oneself if she’s holding something big inside. It’s exactly what drove my friend to confess because it was just too much for her to handle. She just have to let it out thinking that her straight friend was mature enough to handle it.

  • #61295 Reply

    Anonymous

    I would treat it the same way as a man confessing he liked me. If i had a female friend who already knew she was a lesbian when she met me then i would be friends with her knowing she is a lesbian. Thats fine. if over time she told me she liked me- I would treat it the same way a male friend confessing he liked me. You talk about it and if its not awkward you carry on being friends. If it does become difficult for both parties then its best to part ways. It wouldnt be a case of my friend being female or not.

  • #61296 Reply

    Anonymous

    That’s too bad for your friend. She is fortunate to have a friend like you who cares how she feels. It hurts to be distanced from people because of who you love when you are respectful to the other person.
    I agree with you that friendship is about helping one another through hardships. Again, it’s good for her to have a friend like you.

  • #61297 Reply

    Anonymous

    It was good for you to give the friendship a chance -something the straight friend being talked about cannot seem to be big enough to do. Sometimes it works out sometimes it doesn’t. Mostly gay women don’t fall for straight women so hopefully this board wont cause straight women to fear that from their gay friends.

  • #61298 Reply

    Anonymous

    I agree with your perspective that the friendship could be considered something of a lie had the gay friend not fessed up about her feelings. I would have felt betrayed findingout years later. The one friend I didn’t tell truly wouldn’t have been a blessed to handle it.

  • #61299 Reply

    Ann
    Participant

    I originally intend to write this board to collect perspectives from straight girls who were the receiving end of their lesbian/bisexual friend’s affection and how they handled it and how it affected their friendship afterwards. But I also welcome lesbians/bisexual themselves with their own counter-perspective, if you will, to understand this situation better.

    My friend was at lost actually on her straight friend’s reaction and was worried that she permanently lost their friendship as the result of her confession.

    No, I hope this won’t cause fear on straight women towards their gay friends at all, because this board is actually asking for perspectives only. If anything, I think this would help gay and straight women alike how to handle situations like this by being able to understand different perspectives coming from both gay and straight people.

  • #61300 Reply

    Ann
    Participant

    It’s the only way I can help her, to have outside or independent opinion or perspective about her situation. I can only guess or give theories about the situation, but I think it’s better if it comes from someone else’s perspective also.

    • #140976 Reply

      Anonymous

      I had a friend in high school confess she liked me for six years. I knew about her sexual orientation and accepted it though she didn’t tell me. She didn’t have to. It was a shock to find out she liked me that way and for as long as we were friends. I never felt we were particularly close and because of some other factors I ended our association. Now after years I have helped her out by giving her a place to stay. We have mended our friendship, but we’re almost right back where we started. I’m at a loss.

  • #61301 Reply

    Anonymous

    I didn’t post anything to your original comment or question, but am glad to see you got a lot of feedback. That will help you help your friend. I will offer my own experience, though it isn’t specifically about lesbians. I am a straight female who became friends with a man at work. He and I talked a lot because we are both talkers. But he had no interest in me romantically at all. That was just very clear to me. Unfortunately I developed a real crush on him. Which made it kind of hard to be around him. He and I were such platonic friends that he eagerly showed me the engagement ring he bought her. So you see, there was no flirting at all. And I’m not a flirty type, so I assure you I didn’t let on how I felt. But … I came to a point where I thought I would proclaim my feelings, just in case he might reciprocate. I thought, “You’ll never know till you try.” Well, I decided ultimately I would rather have him in my life as a friend than risk losing his friendship. And I just knew if I told him how I felt, he’d have to dissolve the friendship. So .,.. I never told him, he never knew. And you know what? I got over it. I could be around him. So I am grateful I never opened my mouth.

  • #61303 Reply

    Ann
    Participant

    I guess it must be hard keeping all those feeling inside. I can imagine it must took you some long, agonizing time to get over it.

  • #61305 Reply

    Anonymous

    It sounds like you weighed your decision carefully -as did the original poster. Given the gay woman’s particulars maybe she would have been better off not telling or maybe it’s better she did. I would be upset not being told in her scenario but not your situation -he obviously got a lot from your support.

  • #61309 Reply

    Anonymous

    I didnt mean to make it sound like it’s not good that we had discussion here. YOu are a catalyst for deep thought around an important issue and it’s good you brought it up!

  • #61320 Reply

    Anonymous

    You may not be bothered but others would. I for one would find it awkward from a man or a woman whom I wasn’t interested it. I think it has little to do with maturity.

  • #61321 Reply

    Anonymous

    You couldn’t handle if a close friend disclosed they had feelings for you?

  • #61322 Reply

    Anonymous

    So you would dumpthe friend?

  • #61332 Reply

    Anonymous

    … tend to be very accepting and sensitive of others”

    Let’s kill that myth right now. I’ve known plenty of gay women and they aren’t any more accepting or sensitive than anyone else. Some are nice, some are very nasty and judgemental. I’ve known two lesbian couples where one partner was abusive.

    Sexual orientation doesn’t exempt a person from the usual human flaws.

  • #61342 Reply

    Anonymous

    That’s true, we are all of different size, shape, color and character. Thanks for correcting me and pointing that out.

  • #61451 Reply

    Anonymous

    Yes possibly…why would I, a grown MATURE woman put myself in an uncomfortable situation? Just as the gay friend had the need to express herself and be true to her feelings, I would equally have right to honestly express my feelings.

    perhaps the lesbian friend was being immature, and insensitive with her uncontrollable need to say what was on her mind. Grown mature people use a filtering system and know better than to express every thought or feeling that pops into their minds. Grow ups understand there are consequences to their behavior. Mature people would know that this type of “honest” expression would make a friend feel uncomfortable. But none of that mattered because one person didn’t consider her straight friend’s feelings. No, it was more important for her to say what she needed?…no WANTED to say.

    Who was really the insensitive and immature one?

    And that’s HONEST because I, like the poster’s friend, couldn’t control my tongue.

  • #61452 Reply

    Anonymous

    My comment above reflects my opinion to calling the heterosexual immature and to the poster who called my response insensitive.

    honestly IDK if i would want to handle it. And that’s a choice I would make based on numerous other factors.

  • #61453 Reply

    Anonymous

    We make choices about who choose to love and with whom we choose to express love.

  • #61455 Reply

    Anonymous

    This conversation is s about who we have feelings for, and what to do with them. The former we don’t choose.

  • #61456 Reply

    Anonymous

    It seemed to me that this poster spoke about the great lengths her friend went to to consider the friendship and that she didn’t uncontrollably blurt whatever she felt out. Still look at the most healthy relationships and you will find occasional 5 year old behavior. Isn’t it immature to just walk away from someone you claim to care about rather than recognize that as adults we will have to face and work through uncomfortable situations? I wonder why with the plethora of posts that point to the maturity and concern for honesty in the friendship you jumped to blurting. Isn’t jumping to co inclusions in that context and walking away because u feel uncomfortable as ill co sidered response as blurting anyway? Excuse the poor grammar, etc here as I am on my phone!

  • #61457 Reply

    Anonymous

    Yes but this conversation is about feelings that we don’t choose and what we decide to do with them. The subject of this board did not choose and would have preferred her feelings for her friend to remain platonic.

  • #61458 Reply

    Anonymous

    On what planet?

  • #61459 Reply

    Ann
    Participant

    I thank you for sharing your perspective and I respect your point of view. However, in defense of my friend, when she divulged her feelings it was an not an impulsive act of someone who is immature, like how you try to insinuate her actions were. She’s one of the most matured, sensitive, and level minded woman I know.

    She spent a great amount of time making that decision and it wasn’t easy for her. She felt their friendship is a lie should it had been dragged for on for years instead of now. (I personally agree with this). My friend have expected there will changes in their closeness and/or of their friendship, the awkwardness, but definitely not the cold treatment which she doesn’t deserve. As the other people have said, you don’t dump someone just because they divulged feelings for you. That’s just too extreme. In my opinion, this becomes the issue and a reflection of the dumper’s character than of my friend’s.

    Honesty doesn’t guarantee anyone comfortableness. In fact, it’s a virtue that can make anyone uncomfortable because it tests the receiver’s character on how she or he handles the truth. In my opinion, honesty is a virtue that can test one’s maturity.

    The straight friend as my friend knows her as someone who can handle stuff like this and was gay friendly as she knows my friend was lesbian. I guess my friend was wrong after all, and this hurts her a lot.

  • #61463 Reply

    Anonymous

    I know, on what planet, or is she talking about robots? Couldn’t be talking about human beings.

  • #61464 Reply

    Anonymous

    Wow, so “mature” people use a filtering system, know better than to act on their feelings, etc., etc. I guess that leaves out many of our politicians. And … let’s see, famous coaches at famous Pennyslvania universities … and priests and the hierarchy in the Catholic Church … and Ted Haggard and the like … who am Ieaving out? I’m sorry, but I can’t stop laughing.

  • #61466 Reply

    Anonymous

    my apologies regarding the way i came across. i can see your friend considering the big picture. my comment was less about your original post than it was about the poster who suggested that a straight person who chooses to end a friendship based on what you described is immature and insensitive. i disagree the straight friend’s reaction was necessarily either.

    I still firmly that adults should filter and weigh situations and the reactions that their behavior may cause. Maybe your friend weighed things heavily and made the decision to divulge her feelings; just as her friend may have weighed your friends words and made a decision about continuing/discontinuing the friendship. Neither of their responses need to be labelled immature nor insensitive.

    Again my apologies the way my response read. But I found that poster’s response insulting & one-sided. By using that same poster’s weak, belittling label your friend could have also been defined using the same terms.

  • #61467 Reply

    Anonymous

    I find it laughable that these are the role models you use to govern, label or define sensitive or mature behavior. HeeHee….i use a completely different moral compass :)

  • #61468 Reply

    Anonymous

    You are right that honesty is a virtue that tests one’s character.

    I think the presumption that many here seem to be making is the “dumper’s” honesty to herself makes her immature & insensitive. It seems the underlying thought is she wasn’t strong enough to handle it.

    It’s sad your friend is receiving the cold treatment. But should her friend be dishonest about how she is feeling? She, too, may have given things lots of thought. It takes strength of character on her part as well to honor what she is feeling.

    Maybe it’s the way she is going about that is problematic. But I don’t think your friend’s honesty/feeling are more/less valuable than her friends. I don’t think she’s any less “gay friendly.” (another assumption)

    IDK…but based on what I’ve understood your post to say is that she’s uncomfortable with a friend who ishe isn’t interested romantically being around a friend who in fact has/had romantic feelings toward her. As I and other posters have stated…the feeling would be the same with a heterosexual, male friend.

  • #61469 Reply

    Anonymous

    U totally totally missed the point, didn’t get it at all.

  • #61470 Reply

    Anonymous

    did i? please explain…

    I read it as a sarcastic remark that suggested the supposed “moral” figures you listed didn’t use the filtering system of “mature” adults? hence my comment was flawed.

    did i misunderstand?

  • #61474 Reply

    Anonymous

    First of all, the friend was not labelled immature or insensitive
    For lack of being able to quote but having written the post it stated that some people might not be mature enough to handle a confession and that the confessor should weigh that factor before disclosure. As for the insensitive comment that was a response to several posts that said they would end the friendship. So then even though the poster said, not in exact words, but in using words like her friend received cold treatment, is in essence saying she believed confessee was insensitive, several times but that’s somehow not offensive. Yet you very liberally belittle and label people who blurt and express disapproval for confession when you did the same by calling people who blurt immature. How do you know that such a person is not maybe understanding to a fault, things built up and they didn’t have a minute of immature conversation -which if someone told me I was being such would be honest.

  • #61481 Reply

    Anonymous

    A Bit Insensitive re: Gay friend
    On January 16th, 2012 Anonymous said:
    “I am finding the comments from the straight women on this board a bit insensitive. Gay women in general tend to be very accepting and sensitive of others. To just dump a friend, at least a close one, because they are attracted to you, well of course the gay friend should be sensitive to your akwardness, but it’s not a huge thing that can’t be worked through. “

    I have said & continue to say it’s not NECESSARILY insensitive for the straight friend to end the friendship. Again maybe her “cold treatment” is at the root of the problem. Maybe she could have expressed he concerns/feelings better.

    But it seems SOME comments are assuming that the straight friend was insensitive in her decision. I think it is unfair to assume. She could have been sensitive in many ways—not wanting to lead the friend on; not wanting to lie about where they were in the friendship b/c of the revelation by the gay friend…the scenarios as to why she distanced herself could be many….most of us commenting don’t really know

    The original poster said:

    “my friend said she did it for herself and for their friendship…”

    “…It’s exactly what drove my friend to confess because it was just too much for her to handle. She just have to let it out thinking that her straight friend was mature enough to handle it.”

    There is a possibility that the friend who divulged her feelings was most concerned about herself and bottling up those hidden feelings. I’m not judging that to be right or wrong. But it is a possibility. The other friend in her decision to give the friendship distance may be acting on the same premise. Only her expression may not be verbal.

    When the straight friend responded the way she did, I think the implication here is that she wasn’t “mature enough to handle it.”
    I don’t think this is NECESSARILY an issue of maturity.

    My whole point is there are many factors that contributed to the straight’s person’s decision. . And none have to be about her being less “gay friendly.” It IS a human issue for her as well. And she has the same right to self-expression in the friendship. Let’s not assume or label her when don’t know all the dynamics. I felt that the straight friend was being unfairly judged. It was never about minimizing the pain of the original poster’s friend’s loss.

  • #61482 Reply

    Anonymous

    i don’t think so

  • #61483 Reply

    Anonymous

    MY OPINION: i don’t believe humans (in most cases) just randomly fall in love. love requires nurture, time and affort. we choose to do these things.

    if you are referring to a stranger for whom we simply feel a physical attraction, i agree its pretty uncontrollable.

    but in situations where we knowingly choose to hang out and spend time with an unavailable person, we make the choice to be vulnerable and get attached.

    only my opinion

  • #61484 Reply

    Anonymous

    fer sure, you did

  • #61485 Reply

    Anonymous

    MY OPINION: i don’t believe humans (in most cases) just randomly fall in love. love requires nurture, time and affort. we choose to do these things.
    if you are referring to a stranger for whom we simply feel a physical attraction, i agree its pretty uncontrollable.
    but in situations where we knowingly choose to hang out and spend time with an unavailable person, we make the choice to be vulnerable and get attached.
    only my opinion

  • #61486 Reply

    Anonymous

    ok

  • #61796 Reply

    EagleWings
    Participant

    I’m not sure it matters per se about gender in this scenario.

    I’ve had straight males (and I’m a straight female) express romantic interest in me before, I did not feel that way about them, and it was still awkward in a heterosexual situation.

    I also had a lesbian at one job I worked at who seemed to have a crush on me, I didn’t feel that way about her, and I let her know. When I told her I did not have feelings for her, she took it well.

  • #61826 Reply

    Anonymous

    I think straight person’s honesty must be the fact that she wasn’t interested in the gay person’s revelation about her feelings, regardless of the fact that the gay woman says she wasn’t going to court her. I at least find this honest on the straight person’s part. I really feel also, that by the gay woman saying this to her, she was actually probing the straight woman to see whether she’d bite the bait.

  • #61833 Reply

    Anonymous

    So you don’t believe the poster’s friend who gave the real reasons why the friend confessed? Even if she was unconsciously baiting isn’t that what people do when they like someone and healthy behavior? Are you saying that the friend who disclosed deserves cold treatment and that is honesty? It seems discloser friend would even understand a need to distance. Perhaps the cold treatment is being honest that the friend can’t respect continue the friendship, but I think the fact that a friendship existed deserves acknowledgment in the form of confessor being told the why about the distance and the opportuniy to discuss. I think it’s sad when people treat others this way.

  • #61873 Reply

    Anonymous

    No one owes an explanation as to why they make the choices they do. If the friend really wants to know the reason for the distance, ASK. If she receives the cold shoulder, it is clear the friend no longer wants the friendship. Sometimes Americans (and I am American) are overly consumed w/directness. Indirectness has value. And in this case the straight friend’s behavior is indirect yet completely clear: She no longer wants to be close friends.

  • #61877 Reply

    Anonymous

    I stronglly disagree. Absolutely sometimes people owe an explanation for the choices they make, especially when they affect the other person who is being hurt by the action.There are no duties in friendship? If I lend a friend money, isn’t it their duty to pay me back what they owe me? To me, there are certain values inherent in friendship, and even more superficial connections, in which parties should be able to expect a certain level of consideration, and sometimes that involves explanation for the choices they make. Maybe that is why many people say “I owe you an apology”, they know they have done something wrong that takes away from the dignity and respect another person deserves, and an apology or explanation returns that dignity to them. It is an act of justice.Twelve step programs even encourage seeking people out to make such apologies.The whole restorative justice approach, which when applied has been shown to be the best method to create healthy communities, encourages dialogue, because when you get to know another person, you can forgive and move on.Sure, as we have determined, and I have people in my life who have exhausted the right to explanation from me for the choices I make concerning them, as have many people on this board who have been deeply hurt by others, in the context of which we are speaking, a close friend of a gay woman gave her friend the cold shoulder with no explanation when the friend was doing the best she could to maintain the friendship and bring authenticity and honesty to it. The bond, and the friend’s good will, which the poster is convinced she had knowing her friend who is receiving the treatment, certainly should cause us to raise eyebrows if the straight friend ends up saying she owes no explanation for the choices she makes, because they are actions that affect her friend. If I am late for a get together with my friend, naturally I would explain why because I know my friend invested in me to see me and get there at agreed time. A choice I made might have something to do with it, and my friend deserves to know that, due to the values inherent in friendship. I think Americans are much more guilty of this selfishness that makes them think that they have no responsibility to others for the choices they make than being too direct.
    The friend’s behavior IS completely clear, and she is making it clear that she has no regard for the other friend due to the fact that she is not explaining her choice. The poster and the dumped friend are trying to give the cold woman the benefit of the doubt by imagining good reasons why, but the straight woman is giving no consideration of the need to not be dishonestly assessed and to just be given the cold shoulder when she wasn’t treated badly.

  • #61881 Reply

    Anonymous

    In this case the indirectness is competely clear but hurtful and undeserved by the gay friend. Here, no explanation is not valuable at all, it is hurtful.

  • #61887 Reply

    Anonymous

    Ok, I’ll give you that we have SOME control over our feelings. But there are many instances where friendship closeness or other instances of knowing someone result in feelings that a person doesn’t ask for and present challenges to a relationship. A person cannot instantly change these feelings, even if they don’t want them. It depends on the situation how they handle it. Do you deny this is true?

  • #61945 Reply

    Anonymous

    I find it laughable to think referring to politicians has anything to do with our conversation.

  • #61950 Reply

    Anonymous

    politicos, preachers, coaches, etc., are presumed by most to be in general mature adults…

  • #61954 Reply

    Anonymous

    I see, you were trying to make the point that we all have our flaws in communication at times, even those who are leadership in society.

  • #61955 Reply

    Anonymous

    The point I am trying to make is that maturity has to do with what you do with the akwardness. Of course the akwardness, or any feeling a person has, would be natural. It’s what we do with that akwardness or those feelings that I used the word maturity for. Even telling a friend “I am feeling akward and can’t handle this right now” and offer a negotiation about how to relate moving forward is typically what mature adults do. Not giving someone the cold shoulder or stopping communication entirely, but having a conversation. At least in this case where there was a true friendship and the conflict arose from one friend doing something that made the other uncomfortable, but not to hurt the other person, or something from bad character such as lying,betraying or you know what I mean, but is generally a good person and friend.

  • #61958 Reply

    Anonymous

    My bad that I didn’t make my point clearly. Wuz responding to the premise stated earlier that “Grown mature people use a filtering system and know better than to express every thought or feeling that pops into their minds. Grow ups understand there are consequences to their behavior.” Wuz thinking that many in our society we presume are grown up and mature, like people we vote for, or whose churches we attend, or whose teams we cheer for, have turned out to be hugely flawed. While we all know that politicos, preachers, and coaches have flaws, we presume they aren’t going to behave as bad as the train wrecks have, the ones we hear about in the news. Point trying to make was that being grown up and mature doesn’t often mean people behave grown up and maturely.

  • #61984 Reply

    Anonymous

    I agree that this would be ideal, and I now see your point. I think many “mature” people are not yet this evolved or acting as their “higher self.”

    It’s difficult to behave in this ideal way but in my opinion, too, it would be the best approach. However, as humans, we are flawed. We have a multitude of issues and insecurities that prevent us from behaving the way would like to ideally.

    Thanks for elaborating.

  • #61985 Reply

    Anonymous

    My response was to the poster who cited them as examples.

  • #61986 Reply

    Anonymous

    Yes it’s hurtful, but it’s life. Things happen and how we deal with pain is our choice. We can let us strengthen us or we can do otherwise. It’s not that I don’t sympathize but in life, we experience pain. It’s the risk we take when we make ourselves vulnerable in relationships.

  • #61987 Reply

    Anonymous

    See my “my bad” comment in this thread. Tried to explain what I meant. Didn’t mean that I personally admire politcos, preachers, and coaches and think they are models for maturity. I think I’ll just give up on what I was trying to say. I just can’t get my words right. But rest assured, I was not holding up those kinds of people as mature. I was trying to say society presumes they are somewhat mature. Anyway, my bad for trying to say something and not doing it too clearly.

  • #61990 Reply

    Anonymous

    I didn’t read your post in its entirety but I think there is a huge difference between owing money, owing an apology and what the conversation here is about. Owing money often involves a promise to repay. “Owing an apology” is often the result of recognizing and admitting your wrong. Here we are talking about one friend’s choice to distance herself from another friend whose revelation made her uncomfortable. She is not necessarily a villain or horrible person because of that choice. Who knows where she is in her spiritual walk or evolving into her “ideal self” but maybe she is doing the best she can right now regarding this matter. In my opinion, she owes nothing (nor do any of us unless we are convicted & feel so). Who knows? She may come back later and apologize…

  • #61991 Reply

    Anonymous

    I don’t deny this is true. We agree here :)

  • #61994 Reply

    Anonymous

    Thank you so much, what is it that some people don’t get about this! I too believe many people have become consumed by directness. I remember a day when it was called “taking a hint.” Indirectness has value!

  • #61997 Reply

    Anonymous

    That’s true -it is difficult to act in higher self, even for those of us who are conscious, reflective and self critical. Maybe she’ll come around-sometimes a person needs a little time to process …..

  • #61998 Reply

    Anonymous

    Well at least you admit it was hurtful. Yeah the hurt person will have to accept it but it would be nice if we could have more confidence in people who we think we know as having some care for us.

  • #62000 Reply

    Anonymous

    That happens to me too sometimes!

  • #62002 Reply

    Anonymous

    It happens to me sometimes too :)

  • #62071 Reply

    Anonymous

    It probably would be a good idea to read posts in their entirety, as when we don’t we read things out of context, and really don’t know what the other person is trying to say. It points to not wanting to listen to what the other person has to say, I think. It certainly leaves a person attempting communication feeling that the listener doesn’t really care what they have to say. Why comment to something where you haven’t completely considered the points the person speaking is making?

    Not paying a friend money back would hardly be characterized a crime by most people (even though a person could be taken to court over this, most balanced people wouldnt take a friend to court say over a few hundred dollars even if it’s a “hit” for them, painful to not get that money back), more a neglect of a friendship where there should be an assumption that, except under mitigating circumstances, the duties of consideration would apply.

    We do too, absolutely sometimes owe our friends explanations for the choices we make. We don’t live in a box but as a community. If our actions affect another person or are clearly a wrong or inconsiderate thing to do we do owe something. The majority of hurt women on this board are so due to being dumped without explanation. Saying, with the excpetion of those who treated them very badly, that they don’t deserve or are owed an explanation is I think, an inaccurate statement.

    Yes, sometimes we are not our higher self because we can’t be. But sometimes we can use that as an excuse to not take action in areas where we really can and should. There are also degrees of not being one’s higher self, from being very evolved, to base. It’s understandable if this woman feels akward, but hopefully she’ll come around after a month or two. If not, the dumped friend, though she will have to accept it, would be right to question what kind of friend and person she really was.

  • #62072 Reply

    Anonymous

    Maybe the poster doesn’t believe she owes someone speaking to her the consideration of reading a post in entirety the way she feels she doesn’t owe an explanation to friends for choices she makes that affect them. So, maybe she isn’t a very good friend.

  • #62073 Reply

    Anonymous

    I don’t think the person who was expressing a responsiblity to owe an explanation to her friend was saying that the akward friend is a villain. The friend who said her feelings just assumed that due to the level of the bond she had with her friend that she expressed feelings for, that she wouldn’t have been treated so coldly. That’s all.

  • #62075 Reply

    Anonymous

    You weren’t talked to me, but may I offer a comment about this. I think it’s very hard to read each post in its entirety. It’s because of the layout of the blog, which isn’t Irene’s fault. There aren’t always paragraph “breaks,” which makes it very tedious to read long postings. Also, the order in which people comment to one another seems a little off and it’s very hard to see the sequence of comments. Then some comments are boxed and others are not. Some comments show up in a very long skinny column with only two or three words. It just gets overwhelming. Plus hard to keep all the details straight. I don’t think we all need to become typesetters to post here. I think it’s just the faulty layout of this particular blog designer. Again, not Irene’s fault.

  • #62076 Reply

    Anonymous

    The woman who decided to discuss particular points of someone’s post was the one being encouraged to read in entirety. Why comment on something someone says if you haven’t taken the time to fully understand ? This woman only a little did this bot others do it to a point of putting inaccurate words in people’s mouths and ammaking assumptions that are unfair to a poster being read. That’s all.

  • #62098 Reply

    Anonymous

    I skimmed the entire post but I didn’t read it in it’s entirety (as I normally do) for a couple of reasons:

    1. Like another poster mentioned, the formatting without any breaks was hard on the eye.
    2. The initial premise/analogy was off. So I skimmed what I assume were supporting details.

    I prefaced my post by acknowledging I didn’t read it all in case I missed something by skimming to the end. But my comments addressed a specific portion of that posters comment and that I thought was clear.

  • #62099 Reply

    Anonymous

    She’s an honest friend as well! So unlike the straight friend who is unfortunately being made out to be uncaring and unfeeling, she (I mean “I”) continue to offer honest communication even when the recipient doesn’t always like it. I am in fact a very sensitive and caring friend and person who is often much too concerned about how my behavior (or anything I do) affects others.

    When it comes down to it, I know no one “owes” me anything in this life. It just so happens, I am immeasurably blessed and often surprised at the generosity of others (and not just friends). My friends freely give to me and I give back; and I always try to pay it forward. When a friend disappoints me or can’t meet a need, I understand no one will be there ALL the time and they don’t have to be. As much as it hurts, that’s life. And I want feel it all (including hurt and disappointment) and grow through it!

    So think what you like. I’ll be busy offering honest advice from a loving heart instead of name calling.

  • #62268 Reply

    Anonymous

    I have difficulty being friend’s with guys who are attracted to me, and its the same when another woman is attracted to me. I don’t know why – it just feels weird. I don’t like being around someone when I know that they’re thinking of me so much differently than I am of them. Actually, when I was in high school, my best friend, who I knew was gay, told me she was attracted to me, and I made an effort to stay friends with her because she was my best friend, but things were still weird. Maybe her friend has the same sort of issue I have.

  • #62271 Reply

    Anonymous

    I feel just the same way. i thought everyone else did, too. It’s not comfortable, makes it so hard to relax.

  • #62315 Reply

    Anonymous

    This is a really interesting piece and something that I can relate to because of something similar I did recently.

    I’ve had a friend for nearly 10 years. We were very close and I loved her very much – not in a selfish way but more in a way where I wanted to be a source of support and a good friend. This happened when I was very young, so maybe this was just my way of channeling my stronger feelings. I really genuinely liked her and these feelings grew stronger over time.

    We remained close and spoke frequently, but as the years passed by I began to come to terms with the feelings I was developing and didn’t know what to do. I tried to tell her once, but I knew she wasnt ready to hear it (though I think she suspected) so I decided to just be a good friend and keep them to myself.

    As the years went by, my feelings were in tact because we remained good friends. Finally as I grew older I realized I needed to let go but I didn’t know how to distance myself without giving some sort of explanation.

    i decided to stay friends and geographically distance myself so I could meet other people to get over it. This was easy. I met several people but did not feel emotionally close to any of them, not as much as i did to my friend.

    I decided to start going to therapy after several years and during my sessions I realized that the only option left was to just tell her. I had considered the consequences a thousand times and had always decided that i really wanted to avoid this (which is why i never said anything earlier). It made it hard to get over her though because in all this time she was single too.

    She was also the first person i had ever genuinely loved – i never expected the first person i would fall in love with to be a woman… so in some ways it was a bit unsettling.

    Anyhow, ten years later, I decided I needed to do something. I finally worked up the courage to tell her that i needed some space. She seemed confused so i told her why. She said she still wanted to be friends.

    Several months have gone by and I constantly find myself confused as to whether or not i did the right thing. Just considering how long it’s taken me to get to this point, i don’t think i would have ever let go of her completely without telling her unless she found someone else which she hasn’t.

    I feel sad that she might think the time we spent together was tainted, i didn’t consciously ever think this but did always value and enjoyed my time with her. I felt like we were family almost.

    In any case, now that i’ve told her i feel very awkward. She didnt seem too surprised, but I am sure she feels awkward too, who wouldn’t be.

    She has been very nice about everything, but there is definitely a distance. On my end, I want to be friends, but I want to (1) be sure to not make her feel uncomfortable at all, and (2) also be fair to myself and free up my emotions for someone who can reciprocate them and (3) just be real and comfortable. It’s hard to feel like yourself when you realize your feelings about a relationshp are not mutual.

    I do know I’d really like to get rid of my feelings, but I’m not sure how to do this before meeting someone else or letting go of our friendship. I definitely think telling her has really helped though.

    I feel like telling her, especially now, was not very fair to her and for this I genuinely feel very sorry. But I do know I needed to say something at some point for me – selfish, but I think necessary.

    I hope things will work out and we will and can remain good friends. If any of you have any advice on how to do this genuinely from my end I’d love to hear it. I will also keep you posted.

  • #62321 Reply

    Ann
    Participant

    It’s nice to hear from someone who have gone through the same way my friend did. The feelings, dilemma, the confusion, the second guessing, it’s similar to what my friend was feeling at the time she made the decision and she still does especially that her friend was giving her the cold treatment.

    Personally, it may seem selfish to others on how my friend needed to divulge her feelings to her straight friend, but I guess if one should put her shoes on the other, one would understand it’s really hard to hide or keep your feelings especially if it’s towards someone you’re so close with. To divulge is really like the solution of it all. Even in your therapy, as you said, that to tell her was THE solution. For this, I can’t really blame my friend. It wasn’t easy for her as I’m sure it wasn’t easy for you as well.

    I hope that you’re still good friends with your best friend. I know there will be a lot of changes especially when people involved can’t handle the awkwardness very well. It could be a deal breaker in your friendship, but I hope she’ll be understanding enough and continue on with the friendship. But I guess things wouldn’t be the same. Good luck.

    Do you still communicate with your friends after you told her?

  • #62334 Reply

    Anonymous

    Yes, we’ve communicated a few times since. My friend was very understanding but it took a long time and I gave her a lot of space and even asked for some myself. I think this helped.

    Another thing that might help your friend is to mentally be okay with the distance and understand why her friend might be distant.

    I was prepared for the worst when I told my friend how I felt – to let our friendship go in case it was too awkward for her. I knew my feelings were genuine and had accepted them for what they were. But I also knew that she might have difficulty accepting how I felt about her. I was actually surprised that she said she still wanted to be friends. It made me feel valued but was unexpected.

    Even though my friend said she wanted to remain friends initially and event hough we’ve communicated since, I feel like I need to understand that her feelings might change with the increased distance between us. What helps me be at peace with all this is trying to understand what it must be like to be in her shoes too – having someone care so much for you when you don’t feel the same is awkward, and is also a lot of pressure. One might feel guilty for not caring as much about the other person or like they have to constantly be conscious of what they’re doing and saying so as not to imply that they like the other person in a deeper way. This is a lot of work and particularly difficult in female friendships I think. If my friend felt pressured or awkward, it would be completely normal regardless of my gender and it is understandable that she would need space or not be as comfortable around me.

    On my end, if she never wants to resume or continue our friendship, even after she said she wanted to, it would hurt initially but ultimately I think I would be okay with this because I really have no desire to make her feel uncomfortable and work at a friendship that might have run its course. It’s sort of like that saying about how if you love someone, you should let them go and if they don’t come back they were never yours in the first place.Plus I want her to be happy and I want to also be happy.

    After or while coming to terms with her distance, I think it might also help your friend and her friendship to focus on herself.

    In my case, because I felt so deeply about my friend, telling her and verbalizing my feelings really allowed me to confront own my feelings and own them. Before this my thoughts about my feelings were centered around how she might feel about me. Now that I know she doesnt feel the same way for sure (since I told her), I can focus on getting over my feelings on my own. How I feel is now exclusively MY issue (not hers) and for our friendship to work, I’ve got to make active efforts to meet other people who can reciprocate my feelings. I’ve got to invest my time in myself and other people.

    Like you said, our friendship will be different now that she knows and that I know how she feels. I already feel myself wanting to be less conscious about always communicating or being there for her, but I think this distance is healthy and necessary to preserve our friendship. We may not communicate as frequently but I think or at least hope she knows that if she ever needs anything, I will always be there for her even though I am not making as much of an effort to keep in touch as consistently. I am also always open to when she communicates and make an active effort not to interpret it as anything more than her being a good friend.

    Over time, hopefully my feelings will dissipate and we can continue a normal friendship once again. I hope the same for your friend as well!

  • #62372 Reply

    Ann
    Participant

    I hope so too that my friend would be able to learn to let go of her friendship with her friend when the time comes it’s becomes clear to being the best option. My friend is still holding on the possibility that her friend will come around. She’s definitely mourning the loss of their closeness or their friendship.

    You’re lucky to have a great friend. Love is supposed to give happiness. As it turns out, ironically, it can also give too much sadness.

    Thank you once again.

  • #62399 Reply

    Anonymous

    You have contributed much insight. Thank you for sharing.

  • #62521 Reply

    Anonymous

    As a gay woman, I have had to have this type of conversation with a straight friend. Said friend led me on and used me like a toy for attention. It is called “sport fishing”. Catch and release. My friend never answered yes or no to me and that was really painful. A better person would have clearly and honestly diffused the situation; not mined it for attention. I digress.

    I believe it is impossible to control whom you develop feelings toward, you can only control your actions. I have been on both sides of an unrequited crush. Neither is very good. If this friend of yours carried this for 10 years and was in therapy regarding it, that is more like limerence. Disclosure is the best way to kill it so you can move forward. It thrives on uncertainty. I understand both the distancing and the disclosure. The straight friend is doing the gay one a favor. It hurts now, but it will help her move forward. Perhaps they can resume the friendship in a year or so. Probably after the lesbian has a new love interest.

  • #62522 Reply

    Anonymous

    I noticed I have a similar situation. I think my friend was bi or possibly experimenting. This is where I come in as the friend. I too distanced myself and became cold. It really hurt me being friends with her after this confession of being in love with me. First of all it caught me off guard because she knew I was straight and I thought she was too. I felt betrayed after the confession because I felt like our friendship wasn’t real. Who was I friends with all this time?
    I thought that she was thinking more about herself and not what I might feel. She goes on to date a new guy yet she continues to flirt with me and test me to see how I react. That’s disrespectful to the guy pretending in that way. I’ve never told her up front to stop it, but I tried giving the hints to her. It’s worked somewhat, but I notice the feelings are still there. I would have dealt with it better if she said she’s been having confusing feelings–and not mention she has any for me specifically.
    I still love her for the wonderful person she is, but I’m not interested in that way. Inevitably when confessions like that are made, it affects the friendship. Boundaries have to be made in a respectful way. Time softens feelings and we can go onto other crushes etc., and forget about it. It’s better to inquire where a person stands instead of confessing deep feelings. I personally would never be so open to confess that to a guy friend. Not everyone will be flattered to hear such things if it’s not mutual. Distancing most times has to be the option.

  • #62543 Reply

    Anonymous

    Thanks for posting this perspective, I for one really appreciate it.

    It sounds like your friend is confused. As someone who is bi, I think sometimes dealing with potentially being gay is more elusive than figuring out whether the object of your affection feels the same way about you. For some, attraction/love is not so much about sexual identity as it is about the person/ a person you develop feelings for.

    In your case, even though you may have dropped hints, I bet your friend had trouble getting past her feelings for you because the door was never closed. Maybe the only way for her to get her feelings in check was to be straightforward and hear what you had to say, even if she knew for the most part you didnt feel the same for her.

    I’m sure the experience sucked for both of you and it’s understandable that you feel betrayed, but I’m willing to bet that you did her a favor by allowing her to express herself.

    As for being distant and cold, that is completely understandable too. I think I would be a bit unnerved if someone confessed their feelings for me and I in no way felt the same. Just also consider the possibility that her feelings for you don’t necessarily mean that your friendship wasn’t real because I’m guessing she probably really likes you as a person. Instead, maybe it just means she had trouble getting her feelings in check and needed to know with certainty how you felt about her – specifically how you felt after knowing how she felt about you.

    I bet divulging her feelings wasn’t her first option (though I acknowledge I could be wrong) because confessing deeper feelings that are completely unreciprocated can be really embarrassing.

    In the long run, as her former (or maybe current) friend, just be happy knowing it will probably cause her much more relief to have been straightforward with you than it would have been to keep strong feelings like that inside. You are a good friend for letting her be real.

  • #62545 Reply

    Ann
    Participant

    Your perspective is really helpful especially regarding how it must be hard for my friend, or to anyone in the same situation, to divulge her feelings and the risks that she took.

  • #62546 Reply

    Ann
    Participant

    I understand where you’re coming from and the options that you considered. Thanks for sharing your experience and perspective.

  • #62664 Reply

    Anonymous

    Thank you for your reply. Your response helped to clarify what questions I still had about the experience. Glad it helped others too. It’s hard to go back to what I was used to know in the friendship. I realize that every person and reaction will vary. It was tricky being distant because she also became defensive and treated me as homophobic or having underlying issues. I had been open about my own personal matters in the past before I knew anything about her feelings–telling her my brother who had died was gay and it was a difficult time for him and my family. If she knew I was straight and this was my experience, why even go there in my case? Part of my family history was painful–my reaction could have gone in a number of directions. I don’t know if it made it easier for her to reveal her feelings, but in my case I would have liked it if she was sensitive to what I might feel. I was beginning to feel like my refusing her feelings would be like I’m rejecting who my brother was. I agree that it probably gave her a relief but why do I feel like I’m still carrying a burden? It’s just like on that show Seinfeld–I think Jerry said–“If you don’t get that ‘I love you’ in return, that’s a big matzo ball hanging out there.” It’s a big deal and a burden depending on the person, the closeness of the friendship, and how you choose to deal with it. Be forgiving, be a good friend, be compassionate, yet be protective of yourself too.

  • #62835 Reply

    Anonymous

    Your post is actually really insightful. I really like that Seinfeld quote too, it makes me think about something I did recently but a bit differently from your friend.

    I had a close friend for nearly a decade, and I never told her how I felt because I knew it’d just make things weird and that she most likely didn’t feel the same. I also knew she needed a good friend in her life and I needed one too. Recently though, I sort of woke up because it was clear she was becoming annoyed with me. She actually got really upset because I was being too nice. It made me realize that I needed to find a way to get my feelings in check because they were clearly still there and clearly unreciprocated. I had known this for years, but just couldn’t seem to meet anyone I liked more than her.

    I decided to tell her that I needed some space (b/c we used to keep in touch frequently). When she asked why, I finally just told her the truth, knowing she didn’t feel the same. The whole experience traumatized me. I still feel so weird about it because other than her I had never been attracted to someone of the same gender. I also feel incredibly guilty for some reason. I guess because I feel as though I’ve ruined a good friendship.

    In retrospect, even though I feel a huge sense of loss in potentially losing a close friendship, realistically, I don’t think I would have ever gotten over her if I didn’t say something. Ten years is too long. I could have easily seen myself living my life and staying good friends with her never really knowing how deeply I felt, and my being completely okay with being alone.

    What if instead of me though, this happened to your friend. Let’s say she was in love with someone else. What would you advise her to do? [Obviously the first being to probably break up with her boyfriend].

    I do understand though that after having told you, she should have been ready for you to be a bit weirded out. No matter her gender, it can feel strange to have someone care for you more than you do for them. So you are completely justified in your feelings. Out of curiosity though, why do you feel burdened?

    In my case, I’m also curious as to what you think I should’ve done. I keep going in circles myself because I’m not sure how my friend really feels Even though she’s been nice since I told her, we’re definitely more distant. From your point of view, do you think it would it have been better to end the friendship or tell her I needed space without telling her why? I definitely get that your friend and I needed to move on way before. But if we had both been feeling this way for a while and nothing had changed, what would you suggest she and I do?

    As for things on my end, just as I’m sure my friend knew how I felt about her, I’ve pretty much known how my friend felt (or didnt feel about me), so that big matzo ball had always been hanging there, it’s just that we were both OK with it for a long time.

    At some point though, it hurts when someone is your best friend but also squarely at the center of your life and you are always on the periphery of theirs. A skewed relationship like that doesn’t make for a good relationship of any kind, not even a good friendship. In such a situation, someone needs to get their feelings in check, and sometimes unfortunately for both people, it’s through disclosure.

    Would love to hear your thoughts!

  • #62864 Reply

    Anonymous

    It’s not a bad thing to be lesbian/bisexual. It’s what that person feels in side & what sex their attracted to. For ppl thar aren’t lesbian/bisexual it’s hard for them to understand what it feels like for your friend liking you. I am lesbian & I am proud to be it’s Me I’m attracted to girls & there’s absoulty nothing wrong with that. It’s a good feeling & that’s all i have to say!!! U shouldn’t judge others that are lesbian or bi confessing their feelings & coming out as who they really are we don’t want things to be awkward but we want everyone to know & to take us as who we are & be cool with it not judge us. Being lesbian/bi is way of life!!!….. One of my friends is lesbian & me & others took it just fine & you should too!

  • #62909 Reply

    Anonymous

    Thanks for your comment. Maybe your decision was best in your case. Even though it was difficult after that. My reaction has to do with her approach. I had seen her yesterday and she still continues to flirt with me in front of the boyfriend. I never spoke with her directly and told her what bothered me about it, and that might be why she continues this way. It’s been a little less than a year since she admitted it to me.

    I think cases differ with the kind of attraction. Is it love, attraction, limerance? In your case, a long friendship, the bond is probably deeper. It might be more difficult for me to comment because my friendships have been shorter-about 2 years.

    I think when I say “burdened” it’s feeling I’m being the hurtful one. She is just expressing her feelings, but in a secretive way. She gets to continue to be in the closet about it while she acts this way. To others it looks that I’m excluding her, and no one else really sees what’s happening. I would be interesting to know how females react differently from men.

  • #64740 Reply

    Anonymous

    Wow, my best friend .., or my old BFF, is a
    Lesbian. I’m strate bt I wanted to b there for
    Her as a BFF…. Well she asked me out and
    Now for the first time, I really, surprisingly
    Have no feeling on our friendship, it’s like
    Idc anymore- it wierd bc we were soooo
    Close. And I luv her like a sis bt not like luv
    Luv her, u no wat I mean. Idk wat to do , still
    B her BFF or just say good bye, she didnt
    only ask me out bt she slapped my ass and
    Sang songs around me….luv songs, it waz
    Ocward

  • #64778 Reply

    Anonymous

    So, basically, you’re all saying that lesbians and straight girls can’t be friends if the lesbian is romantically attracted to the straight girl, even if she doesn’t court her in any way? And it’s selfish to confess at all even if it’s more painful holding it in?

  • #64780 Reply

    Anonymous

    I’ve never heard anything so narrow-minded. It’s automatically selfish, insensitive, and immature for the lesbian to share her feelings?

  • #65206 Reply

    Anonymous

    yeah…

  • #65209 Reply

    Anonymous

    it isnt “automatically.” it was based on aseries of comments and replies

  • #65259 Reply

    Anonymous

    So my discomfort is less important than your discomfort if I tell you I think you’re wonderful. I’m supposed to just hold it in and pretend it isn’t there….You’re dreaming.i

  • #65260 Reply

    Anonymous

    I’m sorry but you’re trying to control other people’s feelings and thoughts by that statement. People grow fond of you by spending time with you. Physical attraction and those feelings happen involuntarily and they grow. Sometimes just getting them out there, as someone else said at least puts it out there one way or the other. A mature person who cares about someone’s feelings and not humiliating another person just because they think you’re great, would show some grace and some sensitivity. If you were in love with a guy and he laughed at you and turned against you, you would be devastated. Show some consideration for another person’s feelings. So she told you she loved you and she thinks you’re great. Who the hell are you to treat her badly for it. Say your peace and move on, without being homophobic. You’ve heard the saying “the lady doth protest too much” maybe it’s too close to home. Some people when you say hey I think you’re cute, brings out dormant homosexual feelings they don’t like. This has been my experience….and I’m very experienced at this sort of thing.

  • #65274 Reply

    As a MARRIED woman, and straight, if a man who was not my husband declared his attraction and love for me. I would have an obligation to dump him as a friend to remove the temptation for him, and for me. If I was not in a relationship, but knew I was never going to be attracted to him I would dial that friendship way back in an attempt to spare his feelings that I knew were never going to be reciprocal. Seems the same social dynamic to me gay or straight.

  • #65880 Reply

    Anonymous

    I am a lesbian with an attraction to my female, married coworker/boss.
    now, not to stick to the side of the lesbians because i am bias, but some straight women, including the woman i am speaking of, tend to lead us on, and in the end, when we start to take a look at what is going on with our own feelings, and GOD FORBID say anything… thats when the straight women lower the “youre making me uncomfortable” comments. Now, i understand both point of views. i hate when men do this to me, and when they cross obvious lines. With some people, there really is an attraction, a connection, that can not be denied. Sometimes i believe people are afraid to just let themselves be open and be loved.

  • #66172 Reply

    Anonymous

    I don’t want to be rude but I think that some lesbians can be delusional. They that anything and turn it into a sign or flirting. Some straight women can just be too friendly. To me it goes both ways. I am straight myself.

  • #66175 Reply

    Anonymous

    Sound a little bit bitter. I think that it goes both way. Meaning that some straight women are too friendly that it can be mistaking for flirting and some lesbians can be delusional and take even the smaillest things as flirting. The lesbian friend took a chance and now she has to deal with the fact that she might have lost a good friend. I am strong believer that friends just remain friends and not ruin the relationship with sex. I had this problem with one of my closest male friend and I regret that. I am straight by the way.

  • #66183 Reply

    anonymous
    Participant

    i’d feel awkward too, just as i would with a male friend who has expressed his attraction and i didn’t feel the same.
    m.

  • #66504 Reply

    Anonymous

    please help me, i’m so frustrated. I’m a lesbian and i’m in love with a straight woman. the thing is, we were worlds apart before however as time passed by, we got to know each other, became friends, became so close that people would think we’re in a relationship. then i asked her if she feels something towards me, she said she likes me and she’s happy with me but we’re just friends. she was never involved in a same sex relationship because it’s against her principle. but she often say, “if only” and the reason why we can’t be in a relationship is because i’m a woman. but other than that, the feelings is there. when i tried to walk away and move on she would not want me to. she doesn’t want me out of her life but if ill ask her if where will i stand, she just say we’re friends. she would often ask if there’s a need to have a label in how we treat each other. i’m on the losing end because she likes me, want me to stay but we will be just friends coz us is impossible for her.

  • #66527 Reply

    Anonymous

    I understand how frustrating this must be for you. I’m a bisexual woman myself and I know sometimes our close friendship with straight-identified friends always lead to some tricky situations. First, let me address that there are just some same-sex friendships that are so close that looks beyond either one’s sexuality, as with your case. Your friend clearly wants you in her life and wants your friendship most of all that she’s willing to accept your romantic feelings and brush off any malice that may jeopardizes your closeness and thus, chose to keep your friendship, as opposed to that of the OP’s scenario.

    But I also understand where you’re coming from. Some straight-identified women are so confusing with their actions. They say one thing but act another. And that’s why I called it “straight-identified” because there are those situations where the “straight girl” actually likes girls themselves but are just not ready to accept such realization. I know it may come across as convenient to quickly jump on that assumption, but I can’t quite blame you since her remarks were quite confusing itself.

    “But she often say, “If only” and the reason why we can’t be in a relationship is because I’m a woman. But other than that, the feelings are there.” what feeling was she referring to? Did she make it clear it was a romantic feeling? “She would often ask if there’s a need to have a label in how we treat each other.” This could easily me misconstrued that her treatment of you was more that of a friend but she’s just so afraid to call it anything else as it might suggest that she might be, indeed, not straight. She may be hindered by her religion, or as she said her principle that’s why she just can’t act on it.

    There’s no doubt you’re special to her; in what way may be the question. Correct me if I’m wrong, but it sounds to me that what you really want is to be involved with her romantically. I get that. It’s hard to stay friends with someone you truly like, especially among women since we’re all emotional kind and when we feel something for someone it’s usually totally intense, and this I say regardless of sexuality. I know it’s almost like a masochistic punishment to stay in a friendship while holding on an unreciprocated love, added with very confusing actions toward you from your friend. I understand why you just want to stay away.

    On the other hand, it could be that she just needs you as a friend. She wants you as a friend. She loves you but not in a way you want her to. But her love for you may be more than her love toward her other friends, like almost sisterly love…but that is all. Your friendship may be more important to her that she’d be willing to let you love her in the way you do but also keep it platonic. It may sound selfish on her part to have her cake and eat it too, but maybe that’s all she could offer.

    I was in love with a straight friend too but it was unreciprocated. I also suspect she loved me. As women, I know we have enough intuition to know when someone likes us and it’s not just wishful thinking. I know how frustrating it was and how hurtful. I guess some people just can’t imagine how intense feelings are between women, so I understand you totally. You know your friend and you know firsthand how she interacts with you. You’re a better judge if there’s more to it.

    I suggest you talk it over to her and try to understand each other. Whether she loves you romantically or not, I suggest that you give her space, meaning, don’t push the subject too hard as she may get too pressured that she’ll decide something, or anything, just to deal with the issue. You might run the risk of losing her altogether if you’ll push her to something she’s not comfortable with. However, let her know of what you really wanted out of the situation. Let her know how you truly feel for her, how hard it is for you, but mostly, be her friend. It’s hard for you, I know, but it’s doubly hard for her too as her confusion surely touches the issues of her own sexuality. All she knows right now is that she wanted you to be her friend. Both of you may need to compromise on how to deal with your situation.

    I would suggest, and I hope Irene wouldn’t mind me saying this, you join the forums on AfterEllen.com. It’s the site for lesbians and bisexuals community. There are discussions in the forums stories such as yours and the members there may be able to give you some perspectives especially the ones who have been in a situation like yours. I hope this helps somehow.

  • #66530 Reply

    Anonymous

    My Two Cents’ comment was for Needs Advise, actually!

  • #66654 Reply

    Anonymous

    My story is same like this she is stright but she wants me in her life.she never said that she love me but she reply wid text same 2 you….what is that last night i ask her for hug she said “i am special for you so pls hug me fast” i am confuse what is dis???

  • #66662 Reply

    Anonymous

    so I’m writing here because I’ve read a few of your posts and I think you might be able to help me. I’m bisexual but only for this one girl – we’ve been friends for a year now and extremely close we put ly on the end of our texts and we’ve shared a bed a few times (not sexually) I’m crazy for her but she’s the kind of girl who keeps all her friends close so I can’t tell if she likes me – she just text me saying ‘have I ever mentioned I love you?’ but in reply to some info I sent her for an art project. I think I’m reading too much into it.

    We also both fancy this guy – we’re not even competing for him but meet up with him together – we’ve shared a bed with him (again not sexually) and we all say we love each other

    Another guy – lets call him L to save confusion – is hung up on me – he’s sweet and kind and everything a girl could want in a guy but L just isn’t who i want

    maybe its just because we’re young – me her and the guy we meet up with are only in upper sixth form (L is at college) maybe its because I’m bi and thats why I can’t decide

    should i settle for L – he’s the perfect guy after all or persue her – with the possibility of rejection and the end of a friendship and what about that guy? I love him too but her so much more

    – God I just read this back – you’d be lucky to make any sense of it at all – please help me – I need to act but I don’t want to lose any of them in the process

  • #66668 Reply

    Anonymous

    I haven’t read onto page two but I thought this might be a useful contribution… I’m bi, I think. I haven’t been kissed a girl or been in bed with a girl but I know for a fact that I’m not lesbian. I find boys extremely hot but I have a very soft spot for my best friend. I’m in love with her and she knows. In our group of friends there’s five of them. One is the girl I love and that’s just awkward now. Another has sent me horrible messages saying ‘LESBO!!!’ and others like that. Another is going through a really rough time and I don’t want to annoy her but I know she’s under pressure with this situation. The last friend openly said to me that I should be a lesbian, not bi ’cause bi people are weird. I’m really hurt by the way my friends are reacting, it’s not fair. I can’t choose who I am but I see their point. It’s hard on them but I try to look from their perspective. My best friend who I’m deeply in love with hurts me every. single. day. I’m sick of it but life goes on. She tries to tell me that I create drama and that I’m constantly telling them about my problems. I’m not. It’s my life. In a way I wish she never found out I loved her. Love is a strong word but I really truely do. I can’t imagine my life without her but she doesn’t know that part. I’ve tried to tell her that I only let her find out because I didn’t want to be a perv and take advantage of our friendship; she won’t listen. Some people on this blog don’t realise how hard it is to be slighty gay. I’ve cut myself over it. I’ve contemplated suicide. My friends know I’ve cut myself and it’s just another reason for them to reject me. I can understand if my friends don’t want to be bothered with me, I can understand my best friend who I love to feel awkward; that’s why I respect her and give her space. I’ve officially given up.
    I now know that truth about my sexuality will get out if they turn on me. They’ve promised they won’t tell anyone no matter what but you never know what could happen. As for all the numpty’s that say the ‘lesbian friend’ is ‘immature for telling her feelings’ go get a life. It’s not immature telling someone the truth, risking your friendship just so that they can move on and be happy.

  • #66692 Reply

    Anonymous

    thanks for your advice. the thing is, i talked to her last week. i tried to clarify everything if where would she want me in her life. she said a few lines that strucked me the most. one thing that’s holding her back is her family. at the same time she told me she’s not yet totally over with her ex boyfriend and if only i was her ex boyfriend, coz i love her more than what the guy showed her before. honestly, i tried to move on. i told her,fine we’re friends but there are times when she would act as if she’s my girlfriend coz she keeps on checking what i am doing and if i do stupid things, would get pissed off. and if i tell her, “why are you so affected we’re just friends?” then she’ll be annoyed. but sometimes as much as i want to believe that there’s this little possibility, her insensitivity would always hurt me. i’m not on the edge of giving me. shall i?

  • #66693 Reply

    Anonymous

    what i mean on the last sentence is, “im on the edge of giving up.” shall i? i’m just too tired, too hurt and not being appreciated

  • #66760 Reply

    Anonymous

    I had a school friend among the jerks who think I’m weird at school. I’m a girl and I’m not lesbian or bi, I’m just normal. I found out recently my friend was a lesbian and she liked me. I had no objections but I was petty shockd to know. I mean, since summer I skyped her because I felt Facebook had too many jerks online, but I don’t know how to react on this, because I never thought being only 12/13 years old somebody would already be les. I mean, I’m a month older than her but I’m a grade higher, we’re not in the same coloured team in school, and we rarely meet, and at first I thought she was joking, but now I think it’s real. I don’t want to break her heart and I don’t want to end our friendship, please help :(((

  • #66980 Reply

    Anonymous

    I think it’s weird how delusional some lesbians can be. A coworker recently started asking me out even though I’ve made it very clear that though I’m single I only date men. She knew this but kept insisting that I give her a try, It’s just ridiculous to me. I respect and believe in gay rights and all that, but it angers me that she thinks political correctness requires me to date a gay person even though I don’t want to. What’s even worse is that she has started turning my other coworkers against me by saying that I am a workaholic and didn’t know how to experiment with life. Another friend told me that she’s recently told her that I was avoiding her because we had a thing going on and that I was secretly gay. I never flirted with this girl in anyway, was only nice to her because I thought she was gay and didn’t want her feel like an outcast. But this whole experience has really changed my perception of lesbians. Some of you are really psychotic and have reasonable expectations.

  • #66981 Reply

    Anonymous

    I meant unreasonable expectations. I already told you I don’t swing that way, so stop hoping that I ever will. You’re only going to hurt yourself if you keep hitting on me and annoying me. I would tell the same thing to male friends who do this. But here in San Francisco I get worse reactions from lesbians, because they think it’s somehow morally or politically correct that I “give them a chance.” Seriously, you do not have a right to demand that straight people “give you a chance” just because you’re gay and thinks political correctness requires it. That’s self-absorbed and egostical.

  • #66982 Reply

    Anonymous

    It depends. I have good friendships with lesbians who I’ve rejected romantically and who seemed to have discarded their sexual intentions immediately afterwards. The only people I give the cold approach are those who keep harboring those feelings for me. That’s when I need to distance myself because it just grosses me out when we’re talking and they keep staring at my lips. It’s exactly the same way with guys. Just imagine yourself being desired by a creepy dude who could be your grandfather even after you turned him down. Then you’ll understand.

  • #66986 Reply

    Anonymous

    LOL not at you but at anyone, male or female, straight or gay, telling someone to “give me a chance” sexually. That reminds me of age-old tactics by men toward women who (a) are virgins and not ready or (b) are just not into the man in particular. When the woman declines the overture, she used to be branded “frigid” or “lesbian” or “uncool.” Nothing has changed. Just the gender.

  • #67140 Reply

    Anonymous

    what’s hat supposed to mean. There is nothing abnormal about being homosexual versus heterosexual. How do you think someone who is gay would feel reading that, seeing that just because they like or have liked people of their same gender, suddenly means they’re NOT normal? And just because the only people you’ve liked have been of the opposite sex doesn’t mean you won’t ever fall for someone of your gender. I know what its like for a girlfriend to confess their feelings for me, and honesty and letting them down easy is the way to go, just as you would do if a boy, friend or stranger, whom you didn’t have feelings for at the time, told you they liked you. I can guarantee you aren’t normal, just because you’re straight doesn’t give you the right to put other people on a lower scale than you, I’m sure you have traits that most people don’t, but hat doesn’t make you not normal, it makes you unique.

  • #67224 Reply

    Anonymous

    Don’t listen to what that one friend said! Bisexuals are so awesome because it means they like people for who they are, not for their gender! I have a bisexual friend and she’s really cool. And you don’t have to worry about being straight or lesbian, because you’re right in the middle! And that’s pretty damn awesome if you ask me!

  • #67302 Reply

    Anonymous

    I understand. It hurt me and confused me when I got women coming onto me who were my so called friends. I was accepting of my openly gay friends, but I didn’t appreciate the ones who were disrespectful. It happens with guys so I should say it’s just people who aren’t respectful of your feelings. And yes people can be psychotic. Because this experience was new to me, I had to reflect so that I didn’t brand all lesbians that way. But I feel somewhat paranoid, like I can’t trust females as friends because some aren’t out of the closet. And that includes the gay men, who dated me who were in the closet. It tested my friendship and how much I share my personal life. It wasn’t fair to be experimented on. I will be open and accepting, but I don’t tolerate people who don’t respect my feelings and feel they can change me.

  • #67369 Reply

    ednic20
    Participant

    What I’m going to say is very un-pc. I don’t intend to be offensive, but you asked a question and I’ll give you my honest answer: It’s freaking weird when another girl likes me!!!

    I find it impossible to be friends with guys who find me attractive. If the feeling is mutual, great. We’ll move out of the friend category and we’ll date. When it’s a guy friend that I’m not attracted to, I’ll feel awkward and I’ll avoid him.

    But it’s even more awkward if the feelings are coming from another woman. FOR ME it is very unnatural and bizarre for another woman to want me in a sexual manner.

    I don’t look down on gay people. I believe they deserve all the same rights and privileges as everyone else. I don’t think they are sinful or perverted, but my innate reaction is to be physically grossed out by a lesbian hitting on me. It’s worse than being hit on by the grossest guy ever. At least the guy has the right equipment.

    I’m not proud of my feelings, but that’s how I feel. So no, I wouldn’t be able to stay friends with a lesbian who expressed her interest on me. But I would be flattered nonetheless.

  • #67423 Reply

    quissme
    Participant

    okay…and if she was friends with you and DIDN’T express feelings toward you?…because she doesnt have any towards you. could you be friends then? or would you feel bad that she didn’t find you hot!?

  • #67431 Reply

    ednic20
    Participant

    I would have absolutely no problem being friends with a lesbian or bisexual girl who DID NOT find me attractive. I would be relieved that she wasn’t attracted to me. To reiterate the only way I could be friends with a lesbian/bisexual is if and only if she wasn’t attracted to me.

  • #67468 Reply

    Anonymous

    Post removed by moderator for violation of terms and conditions of this blog.

  • #67469 Reply

    quissme
    Participant

    wow..! YOU seem to have a lot of issues! LMFAO! xD I love it how you show the whole forum your own insecurities by bashing gays ;) It definetly makes you the better person…and I am totally sure YOU will get to heaven one day! good for you…! but reading your heartfelt words of intolerance and arrogance makes me feel bad for you none the less… :(

    I also love how you said “I know shes in love with me…but shes never said so.” hahahaaa! just wondering why you just dont tell her to leave you alone and that ur not interested in her like that? that would be the grown-up-in-my-fourtys-thing to do.. dont you think!? instead you even send her signals by remembering her birthday and even sending a card! ;) lol! actions speak louder than words! I hope you find another great job soon! you do deserve it..!

  • #67471 Reply

    Anonymous

    I agree with you that this woman is wrong and small minded about us queers,, but her friend from work does sound bizarre, and gay or straight clearly has issues.

  • #67478 Reply

    Anonymous

    I deeply and humbly apologize to all those my previous words have offended. Again, I’m sorry- I was angry and venting because I don’t know what to do. This one woman is driving me crazy–I beg you please post this response!!!

    HERE is the complete story:

    I am a single mom, and I have one (older) brother whom is gay, HIV pos and lives with us, I had another brother that was bi-sexual/cross-dresser (now deceased may GOD rest his soul) and I have a nephew that is bi-sexual. My nephew has given me two wonderful great-nephews (3 and 8). All whom I love/loved dearly. My deceased brother walked me down the aisle for my wedding. My brother-n-law’s uncle is gay and was his best man at his wedding. We are accepting and kind people. I work as a volunteer at a HIV/AIDS activist and supporter–NOT because I believe in the lifestyle–it’s acceptance. In other words, we all must live here on EARTH together–so let’s try to live in peace, help each and not invade each other’s privacy or personal SPACE. I became a supporter when my brother was diagnosed in 2002, and since then I have open my HOME to all alternate lifestyle people when their families put them out or disown them once diagnosed as HIV POS–believe me this still happens. I pick-up meds, and food for my people, and I spend my own money helping with their bills, transportation and clothes.California have many homosexuals, but most never volunteer or come help our group, and the majority in our group of helpers are hetersosexual. I wake up in the morning and pray daily for a cure. I have prayed for and did many bedside visits of those who are now dead. Cried with and wiped a many of tears away. I have washed bloody sheets, wiped butts, changed bandages and bathed bodies–most their own mothers recoiled at touching them. Many of the people I served–I knew only a short time through my volunteer work. Not self- glory–It is called COMPASSION and KINDNESS, which ALL mankind DESERVE!! So please don’t judge me!
    I started my current job in Oct, this LADY started the job in Dec. She walked around sad all the time with her head hung down. I befriended her at work only–One day she said she lived alone, no cat, bird, dog and no family in the contiguous USA. Her b-day was in Jan, so I gave her a basic card–not mixed signals. In May at work there was a conversation about the PREZ openly speaking up for homosexuals–I said I applaud him and that I voted for gay marriage here in California, that I’m not a lesbian, I love men and want a solid relationship with a man again in life. However, I don’t believe anyone should be force to live by others beliefs and not be able to marry the person they love. Now for those of you who think I’m lying–I did vote YES b/c I know that both of my brother’s really loved their partners and wanted to get married. My religious beliefs have nothing to do with equal rights for all. That night, I checked my emails, this LADY had sent me a link to a lesbian website–angry black woman. Now you’re thinking -How did she get my email? I gave it to her earlier to send me the link to the musical play “RESPECT” that we attended together. After the play, while having lunch, she stated she was a loser! out of nowhere-I said No, you’re not and why did you say that? she stated b/c you talk about your son alot and I have no children. That was strange to me and I took it as a sign of depression and made it a point of saying Hi to her each day with positive inspiring words like today is going to be the best day ever! or Karma is going to be on our side today–just simple inspiring words– I thought to cheer her up. Since May thiis LADY have been acting and doing strange things to me, like getting mad at me and accusing me of still loving my ex-husbabd if I say I talked with him, not wanting me to call my son by his name that he shares with his father, not wanting me to touch or talk with the male doctor that likes me, constantly asking me out to platonic events (lunch or concerts). I have to fake that I have a man in my life and she still wants details of my life with this pseudo man. She states she would be honored if I let her meet my son and family and tries to invite herself to family events (graduations, BDAY events and special dinners), then gets mad when I say its just for family and close friends. She says my son and I are too close and that I should send him away from home for college–that he is too protctivr of me and that I do too much for him. she has never even met him. She acts as if she knows my body–by saying thoings like I know you didn’t get enough sleep b/c your eyes look tired, or you have a headache b/c you’re not talkin much. When I say anything remotely considered a platonic conversation to this woman, she is grinning and smiling so hard she LITERALLY drools on herself, so much that other people or I have to hand her a kleenex to wipe her mouth/chin. If I go to the bathroom, and she sees me, she runs in the next stall, I CAN’T PEE without her listening–then she waits until I come out the stall and say I was wondering if that was you. One time she made a comment that she knew it was me because she know the sound of the elastic on my panties!–(just telling the truth). I now go to the bathroom on the lower floor. If other women and I have a conversation she stares at me from across the room. I have stopped wearing pretty form fitting dresses/skirts, makeup, and contacts to work b/c she would grin at me like a cheshire cat the whole day. I now wear grandma style blue jeans/tunics/my thick birth-control glasses and no make-up, and consequently the male doctor that use show interest in me, stop asking me out–I look like crap at work. She said THE THOUGHT OF THE DOCTOR AND I TOGETHER MAKES HER STOMACH HURT. In meetings she sits directly across from me and stares at me throughout the meeting. Some days I can feel that I’m being watched and I look around she is in another room/office peeping through the door hinges/crevices at me. I ADMIT–I’m AFRAID to speak to her and say all those things which you have suggested, What if the rejection makes her retaliate? She is a SENIOR MANAGER, I’m not. I have my family to support. What if she denys these things are happening and say I’m crazy, to cover-up her embarrassment? Or accuse me of slandering her as a stalker to HR? I cannot go to HR –because I don’t think I can call this stalking or harassment—she is smart enough to have NOT said I LOVE you or HATE you or DESIRE you!
    For those of you wondering—No, she doesn’t know what I do as a volunteer or my brother/family. No I don’t ask about her life?–NO MIX SIGNALS–I have refused all outings and even those when everyone in the office go out to lunch together to celebrate a staff Bday, I always say no thanks and stay at work.

    What would you do if these things were happening to you?

  • #67486 Reply

    Anonymous

    That is harsh what you are going through – this person sounds maniupulative and downright scary. If it was a man doing this he would not get away with it so easily. You are living in fear and work is becoming hell on wheels and that kind of fear can consume you and affect your health if to goes on for too long. It is like your body is always in fight or flight mode which stresses your adrenal glands and thyroid.

    Following you to the washroom, making inappropriate comments, asking so many non-work related questions is harassment. An energy vampire, she is infecting your professional and personal life with her needy attention seeking behaviour. It is like she is addicted to your energy and wants more and more – is irrelevant of her age, gender, race or sexual orientation for the reasons for doing so. She is a plain ole nasty piece of work who likely does not have a lot of friends because of being such an energy sucker. She is trying to hook you into her web by making you feel sorry for her – the sympathy play is classic energy vampire behaviour.

    Document everything that is happening – times and dates. From my experiences with HR, in a bad situation with a female supervisor, they sided with her all the way. These types are usually good at playing the victim and turning on the (crocodile) tears when they need to. Suss out your Hr person –

    Find out (very discreetly) the names of the managers who are more senior than this one – even the head of the company. Sometimes you have to go right to the top. That’s what I did – union and hr did nothing told me my abusive manager was good. I wrote a carefully constructed non emotional business letter to the president of the company (a large corporation) letting him know exactly what was going on. I had to leave because the impact on my family and health was too great – the dread and fear was all consuming. But found out that she did get canned a couple of years later and new management brought in. Chances are your vampire has done this before.

    What you need to do is stop sharing any personal (even fake) personal informaton – with this manager. Speak of work related things only. When around her adopt calm neutral energy so she can’t energetically feed off of you. These types like to create stress and feed off of it – energy good and bad they want it. So don’t engage in any idle chit chat – keep it strictly work related – be civil and professional but don’t offer any extra curricular pleasantries.

    Google 4mingthoughts emotional vampire series for a good education on how to handle this as well – very awesomely presented situation from someone who has experienced this type of person in their life.

    A good article on emotional manipulaton – which is what seems to be happening to you.

    http://www.cassiopaea.com/cassiopaea/emotional_manipulation.htm

    Also some other good reads – The gift of fear by Gavin DeBecker,(his examples are male but just put she where he says he in the examples) The Bully at work, by Gary Namie, Who’s pulling your strings, Harriet B. Braiker

    Also you may want to scout out other jobs – it is not easy to leave your job in this economy but even searching for another position is mentally soothing and helps neutralize the power this person is trying to have over you.

    So what I would do in this situation is document the behaviours, suss out to see if HR is any good or just an apologist for poor management, discreetly find out the contact information of the head of the company, don’t gossip to other co-workers about this lady – that feeds the dance which you don’t want to be a part of, be civil and neutral when in her presence, keep it all work related.

    food for thought from the diary of an angry black man –

    ) Avoid losing battles
    2) Put your energy where power is (your OWN behavior)
    3) Accept no excuses for Covert-Aggressive behavior
    4) Judge actions, and not intentions
    5) Be honest with yourself
    6) Set personal limits
    7) Make direct-requests and request direct-responses.

    Another link to help you understand better what you are going through

    http://www.cassiopaea.com/cassiopaea/psychopaths_in_sheeps_clothing.htm

    One last piece of advise to help you keep your energy and power for yourself – when in this persons presence and are feeling drained and stressed , imagine a fast moving river – you are on one side and she is on the other – only your loved ones know your river enough to cross it – so she cannot cross this river to get to you, the rivers fast moving waters will prevent her crossing it. Do this also if you find yourself ruminating about her when you’re off work.

    So this is what I’ve learned from dealing with a borderline psychotic manager – and I had to leave my career over it but am happier and heathier (though poorer get paid half as much but treated a million times better) so you have to decide if you want to fight – which takes up a lot of your personal time and energy – or slowly make your way away from this company and toxic manager – just looking for another job (don’t do it at work though) can relieve stress. Thank you for re-posting and I can understand how you needed to jut vent it out because it is so frustrating whatyou are going through and please keep us updated :)

  • #67488 Reply

    Anonymous

    Wow, good info you have given here. I am not the lady who wrote the original posting, but I have my burdens right now at work with a boss from hell. Well, sometimes hellish and other times not. Your imagery about the rushing river dividing yourself from the person who is giving you grief is fascinating, and something I will try to employ. I think you are right as well that the search for another job has its mental health benefits, as it makes you feel as if you are at least trying to do SOMETHING. I also think your advice to the poster to not gossip to others at work about her particular troublesome worker is spot on. My experience is that even though you think you are telling someone something very clearly, they often completely misunderstand you. That’s partly because people are not always good listeners. At work, there is a temptation to gossip about people mistreating you, since we like to have comrades. But in the end, it makes people uncomfortable to hear gossip about others. It’s best to keep this stuff to yourself.

  • #67489 Reply

    Anonymous

    I made an error in my post – it is diary of a tired black man not angry man :I had it on book mark because that piece of info that I found that piece of info that I copied was helpful but after re-reading your post about that inappropriate link that this awful boss sent you so I apologize for not seeing that detail to begin with when posting.

  • #67498 Reply

    Anonymous

    I am 17 years old and straight as far as I know, but I am completely in love with a girl who is 24. We work together and Are friends outside of work, and we’ve been friends for a few years and I’ve been in love with her the whole time. I’ve done a really good job of keeping it a secret because my biggest fear is that if I tell her she will not want to be friends with me anymore. I can’t imagine not having her in my life and that would be the worst thing ever. But I want to tell her so badly because it is eating away at me and every day is wonderful because I’m her friend but it is my feelings are so painful. I am so in love with her and she is the perfect person for me. I always come close to revealing my feelings to her but I never do. I think she’s straight but I don’t know because she doesn’t have a boyfriend. And she’s many years older than me so that could also make things awkward. Help me! I don’t know what to do!

  • #67507 Reply

    Anonymous

    You sound very immature.

  • #67515 Reply

    Anonymous

    would it be better if ill just hide it just to keep the friendship? but isn’t it also unfair and felt discriminated at the same time?
    what do you think is the best way to do to express how you feel without ruining the friendship?

  • #67518 Reply

    Anonymous

    what would you do if you are secretly in love with a straight friend and you can’t tell her because your’ afraid that it might ruin your friendship?

  • #67520 Reply

    quissme
    Participant

    if you think/know she feels the same…tell her. if not…keep it to yourself, distance yourself…and fall in love with someone else. or…ruin the relationship…then the distancing will inevitably happen! if you stay quiet whilst in love with her you’ll suffer..! and then you’ll be mad at her without her knowing why (secret jealousy)…and all is ruined. its tricky! as soon as feelings are there….evrything is f&@ked!

  • #67522 Reply

    Anonymous

    I am a 17 year old girl .. 3 years ago I begin to develop romantic feelings towards womens eventhough I studying in public school..
    When I was 14 years old, for this first time I fall in love with my just-married teacher & when I confess to her she took it as a joke because for her I nothing than the quiet girl in class.. But I did not give up eventhough I am not sure why I was so in love with her… That time I was not aware about lesbian or bisexual relationship because I was the “innocence” type girl.. Things got worst for me when my mom past away & I ended up seeking help from her.. She was not a good comfort for me, still I loved her a lot At times I will wait for almost 1 hours+ after school cause she must finish her school works, just to walk her home.. Somehow she found out my feelings & begin to avoid me as well treat me coldly.. It hurt me so much as first but I manage to get over it with the help of my friends & I did not get to see her so often because I went to morning session from after session.. Then I lived a normal teenager life but I begin to realize that I am attracted to girls..

    Last year, when I was 16 years old, I fall in love again with another 23 years old girl.. She was my practical teacher & only taught at my school for almost 3 months but I was so in love with her.. I begin to act weird when she was around & sooner I got her number from a guy friend.. Then I often send good night & good morning messages.. Whenever she goes to her university i will ask her to take care and all.. She told me she see me as a good friend, sister & student.. There was once I tell to her I love over the phone but she remain quiet & say she gotta go.. I took that as a positive approach & begin to be control over her like she was mine.. I gave her the nickname ‘My Angel’ because she said my mum send an angel like her to me.. She was the person I usually show my anger & happiness but It did not last long when she shouted at me once that she seek respect from me because we are student and teacher.. That word make me crazy to the extend I skip school not to see her & I slowly distant myself from her a little knowing I meant nothing in her life.. The feeling was still there but I hide it & sooner she left my school after practical.. I was not in a good state of mind & I begin to flirt with few boys & girls saying that I love them in romantic way.. My action just ruined my relationship with them. Somehow I enjoy doing that for I feel so hurt & I wanted to be hurt more. There this one of my girl friend, L who still accepts me as a friend no matter how harsh I treated her & she usually been there by my side as a nice friend..I also seen her as a friend & nothing more. Still I continue flirting to forget the sadness & pain I am feeling..

    Recently, this year L introduce me to a guy, N who she address as ‘bro’.. He was in love with another of my friend last year but he got rejected.. He accepted it like a gentlemen & did not bother the girl after that..I exchange numbers with him & I became his close friends.. During my birthday party he gave 11 gifts & spend all the expense.. I hold his hand in the theatre cause he freezing due to getting wet in the rain when bring my birthday cake..Unexpectedly he fall in love with me & proposed me few days after that.. He tell me he have been harboring such feeling for a long time..I told him I am attracted to girls but he still wanted me. I thought he was playing with me so I accepted it without knowing I jumping in a big hole. Things got worst now, when I realize he is a nice guy.. He usually buy gifts whenever he come to visit.. Almost everyday he will end the call by saying he love me but did not even say I love him back.. I told him I might leave him for a girl but he say that he will be okay with it as long I am happy but I will be the last girl in his life.. I know his very serious & I
    cannot take it knowing that I don’t love him the same way he love me.. He even kissed my cheek & hold my hand to show that he love me a lot.. Yet, I do not feel anything.. I requested break up because I cannot afford faking with him thats because I was liking another girl.. On the spot, he almost killed himself with his bike.. Luckily nothing happen to him.. I dont understand why he dont want let go of me? Slowly he was dropping out in his studies.. At times he wont eat.. I am so worried just thinking about it because we both have an important examination this year that will decide our future.. After a talk with L, I agree to lie to the guy that I was just joking.. Now I am covering up my feelings & pretending I love him but how long can I do that? I cannot be sincere to him cause I am sexually more attracted to girls.. It have been 4 months since I ended up in this relationship.. N seems so happy & excited every time to to see me.. I am stupid to rush into relationship & now I going to end up destroying a nice guy life If I were to walk away. What should I do? I am hurting myself by being someone I am not & pretending to him.. Not sure how long I can take this..

  • #67969 Reply

    Anonymous

    Well basically im really really close friends with a girl called harriet. One day i found out she was a lesbian. I didnt care/mind since it made no difference to me. That was until she told me she liked me….i was like aww :) and im still best friends with her and i dont think its changed much so yeah :)

  • #68441 Reply

    Anonymous

    I have that scenario, I being the straight friend. I couldn’t get past the awkwardness. Our friendship will never be the same I’m afraid. Her behavior didn’t change that much. It was time for me to stand up for myself. What makes me even more angry is that she found a boyfriend right after that while I was still single and dating. I feel uncomfortable accepting invitations from her. I think she knows it still bothers me. I have to move on.

  • #128295 Reply

    esmecristal

    I’m bisexual. I confessed to my friend that I like her almost a year ago. She took it well. She even gave me a chance to date her. Our relationship only lasted 2 weeks. When we broke up, I broke down and cried for weeks. I started having suicidal thoughts. But our friendship stayed the same. We’re close friends now. She knows I still love her. But the problem now is that those suicidal thoughts are still in my head. My depression got to me in June 2013. I confessed to her in February 2013. It’s getting worse and worse… self-harm has me trapped.

  • #128718 Reply

    Anonymous

    This happened to me with my best friend. She took it well and it was a little awkward for awhile, but I think she was flattered I felt so strongly for her, even though the feelings weren’t returned. She and I are still best friends, and we can joke a little about my crush on her now. She’s married to a man so it’s not like a relationship would have happened with us, anyway. She didn’t judge me for liking her that way, so I think I am lucky that she still wants to be friends. I am trying to focus my feelings on the future and not on something I know isn’t going to happen.

  • #130705 Reply

    Binks58

    Here’s what I Think about this situation, everyone has their own lifestyle choice but it’s not ok to force your choice on others who don’t share the same lifestyle. To me it’s just plain disrespectful and predatory behavior, one of my friends hit on me in a club the other night. We were sitting at a straight bar chatting and a woman leaned over and said this to us, ‘How long have you two been together’ my response was this, ‘We’re not together, I’m straight.” After I responded to this question my friend leaned over and said ‘why did you say that, I wanted to screw with her and pretend that we’re together’….she went on to say this, ‘but think about how good we would be together, wouldn’t it be great.’

    Why i say predator is this, she know that I’m straight and apparently she hit on another friend that is in our group. So basically she doesn’t care that we’re straight, she just wants to hit on everyone… she’s actually bi-sexual.

    Now I’m so pissed off at her lack of respect towards me that I don’t really want to be around her at all, we’re in a weekly rosary group so now because of her behavior it has me in a bad situation. Everyone knows about her lifestyle choices, and it’s a non issue for all of us. But she crossed the line and it’s just not ok for me, she is an alcoholic and she always uses this as an excuse for her less than desirable behavior of a 54 year old woman.

    What can I say to her, I’m deeply offended by her behavior. The club we all go to is a straight club/bar, so why doesn’t she go to a gay club and hit on gay people. Again, I feel that she’s a predator.

  • #139186 Reply

    Sera

    I am a lesbian and I was attracted to my straight friend from the moment I met her. In 3 months of knowing her we were spending majority of our time together and were inseparable. She grew on me and my attraction turned to something deeper that was out of my control.

    One of the first nights we hung out she made it clear to me she wasn’t into women so for me to not get the wrong idea. A few drinks later she was in my lap at the pub all over me kissing me and biting my neck, this continued back to my friends place and eventually when we got back to hers I passed out and went to sleep in her bed while she stayed on the sofa. The next morning she told me she didn’t trust herself sleeping in the same bed as me and said I confused her. I asked her if I were a guy would we be sleeping together she said yes straight out. She was somewhat embarrassed about her behaviour and she even filmed some of it and asked if she should delete it. In hindsight I wish I could go back to that night and be more aggressive and not have passed out because she might think differently about lesbian sex.

    Months pass we are still close. People assume we are a couple we spend so much time together. After that night nothing else romantic happens. We share the same bed and she snuggles me. I was the only person that stood by her as it was a tough time in her life with heavy drug use and other things spiralling out of control. I actually cared about this girl so much it got to the point I was trying to intervene between her and her drug use but that created a wedge between us. I told her I had feelings for her and she straight out said she wasn’t sexually attracted to me but if we could still be friends. I needed space so I left. She immediately found a guy to fill the void and that was that.

    6 months later she came looking for me and crept back into my life. She apologised and thanked me for how much I did for her. It didn’t take long for the same thing to happen again a few months later.

    Just recently after a year apart I found her. Nothing had changed, I missed her everyday and thought I was in by good place to handle anything. She said she had found god. We went back to spending full days together people would assume we were dating. She would often say to me that she could see why girls like me and that I remind her of this one guy she loved. She felt like she had known him and I forever. We mad plans to travel and see the world. She was off the drugs but still having serious spiritual issues which I understood and vowed to stand by her. Basically I got too involved with her life and it started to take away from who I was and drove me crazy. I had no choice but to tell her I never stopped having feelings for her. She knew she said but put it in the back of her mind hoping it wasn’t true. I said I have to walk away because I don’t want to end up hating each other or me being jealous etc. I felt so much guilt over this because at the same time I felt an unconditional love for her. She had no family or no one that cared but she was beautiful to me. I wrote her a letter explaining everything. The day I told her she said she didn’t hate me and as I left in tears she gave me a long tight hug. A few hours after our chat she sent a message saying she will hold me close to her heart forever and that I’m one of a kind and to take care. I have her on fb still but have just deactivated. I find it hurts more to see her pop up on chat every day and it just reminds me about what I forget.

    More than anything I miss her and sometimes I regret bringing it up again but at the same time I would just be holding on to something that would never happen as she said. She said all she wanted was a friendship. She would get so defensive about lesbian sex it did make me wonder if she was hiding anything. She said it disgusted her. However I slept in her bed and we basically lived like a couple for 2 months without the sex and I guess it added fuel to the fire. I only hope after time my feelings change and I can be the person she first met and there is no awkwardness. I just feel like it’s all my fault.

    Did I do the right thing?

  • #140386 Reply

    Geri Rose

    Perhaps its too late to join in a conversational thread that’s spanned two years already (LoL) but I will because I’ve developed a funny outlook on time itself. Here is what I mean: I fell in love with my bff 30+ years ago when neither of us had (literally) the maturity, self-knowledge, or wisdom gained from experience to handle what was happening at the time. We never talked openly about a pivotal experience – that moment of pure honesty/transparency, in the moment, didn’t occur. We both became wives and mothers and still are, but for the first ten years of our marriages, we struggled with this unspoken dynamic…like a subtitle in a foreign language underlying our normal conversations and time together.

    The lack of honesty on my part (driven by fear of losing her all-together), felt within me like denial, confusion, frustration and restlessness. I was shadow-boxing with myself. We began to drift apart (again, without acknowledging anything more on her part, than superficial explanations) yet my struggle intensified. I had no clue what she was feeling…we didn’t have the words to describe what we didn’t understand ourselves. I think that is one of the factors of time…we are often working through our feelings and trying to interpret them, get them in a proper context, and testing their veracity. Like someone posted before – her feelings changed over time.

    Fifteen years into my marriage I got involved emotionally and sexually with another woman. The whole situation was a mess! – I was a mess! In a moment of sheer panic, by bff was the one I turned to. I confessed and the response I got from her only proved to confuse me more. For the next 12 months the distance between us grew to a large gap. Then she stopped talking to me all-together. This lasted for years. Total silence and no contact.

    We did eventually reconcile (I initiated), and do on occasion tentatively share about the depths of our friendship, but only to a degree…we have learned the art of “filtering” well. We filter to avoid hurting one another, when we aren’t sure how to respond yet, to maintain respectful boundaries, and to protect our overall friendship. Husbands and wives often do much the same. Yet, for my part, we do so at the expense of our personal growth and integrity. Hiding key parts of yourself from someone you love (out of fear) can be detrimental in any intimate relationship. If the relationship was more superficial (with the transience of acquaintances), we don’t fully disclose. But we’re talking best friend status here…that has a deeper commitment and concern for what is best for the one we love. In my case, it was best for me to disclose, but for my bff, it was best for her to not speak.

    It took me over 25 years to fully disclose with her. She reciprocated, to the degree she was able, and we’ve carried on. We do love each other but not in the same way…but then, reciprocation need not be quantitatively or substantially “equal”. We love as we can. We share as we are able. Disclosure and closure has had many layers and moved through many seasons. That we are still deeply close friends says more than any of our words combined.

    Sera, it’s not “all your fault.” I too felt like that…I took the failings of our relationship and even the potential “cause” of our deep intimacy (a struggle with my own sexual identity whereas she was totally heterosexual)onto my back. It broke me. Two things freed me from that delusion: my bff years later took responsibility for so much that had driven my own “what-if???” questions. I have received the gift of closure about so much. What freed me was to live long enough to experience love in far greater depths that encompasses much more than what I had conceived it to be so long ago.
    A friend just sent me this text: “Don’t regret what is past. Cherish what you have. Look forward to all that is to come. And most important of all rely moment by moment on God’s grace.” It’s good to have loved and loving sometimes means letting go so love will expand and flourish instead of wither on the vine.

  • #140428 Reply

    Carmela

    What’s up, this weekend is pleasant for me, because this time i
    am reading this impressive educational post here at my home.

  • #142426 Reply

    Ekings

    I went into this awkward situation like your friend. I am a bisexual girl and I am only fifteen. I fell in love with a girl which is pretty famous and really beautiful. I was straight before this and I kinda always notice her because I often see her hanging around with my friends(They are all girls). I started talking to her and I just felt like I was liking her at first. Then I noticed the past days that I can’t sleep and I’ve been thinking about her much of the time, we texted all the time until I kinda told her I like her. She showed me that she liked me too so I went on and then I always give her some snacks when I buy or come over to their house or go to their classroom. Then one day I heard from our friends that she has a secret relationship with one of the girls in my basketball team which was not studying at my school and lives into another state. Then after that all things got blurry. I started avoiding her and our some of our friends. I didn’t talk to her even though she is just next to the person I was talking to. I would say “Hi” to our friends and I won’t look at her. I was completely rude to her because I felt like I was betrayed, stabbed in the back and was made a fool out of myself. I was completely depressed. I began being cold to everyone and started being alone all the time. I gave myself some time and also her to recover. After a while and after we gave a moment for some things to be the way they should be, our friends and I started hanging out again and we became friends again, Just CLOSER THAN BEFORE. So my advice as being the Bi one is to let time heal the wound(If there’s any) and give some time for the awkwardness to disappear. You’ll be back to where you were before. (:

  • #142562 Reply

    Jenna

    While I have never been in this situation with a lesbian friend, it has happened to me with a guy friend. He confessed that he wanted to be more than friends, and I didn’t. If the person respects you, they will accept your “no”, move on, and not push you. It will be awkward at first, but it is possible to move on and become better friends as a result. Me and my friend laugh about it now.

  • #142684 Reply

    Sarah

    I am a straigh woman and here is my response to the orgianl question. I think it all depends on the friendship and who does what with their feelings.
    1) I was good friends with a woman who came out of the closet, while we were friends. She admitted that she liked me, gave me compliments. As we were a year or so into the friendship it continues and I made it clear I was striaght. She however started to distance herself from me. I tried to keep the friendship but she ended it.
    2) A guy friend of mine for years suggested that we become a couple. I was complelty thrown off, caught off guard and it was plain akward. I let him down and we talked about. Due to the akward nature of what happened (and not wanting to hurt him/embarass him) I put a little space in between us for a while. We evenually got back to where we once were. We’ve been very close friends for over a decade. We are attedning eachother’s weddings :)

  • #142688 Reply

    Akari

    Wow I know how a lot of you bi/ gay people feel. I’m gay too I’ve come to find out. My friend seemed ok with it, liking my story with that sort and role playing with the characters and even liking some yuri anime. I feel I care for her greatly but not in that way, I care in a non blood family way. I had told her if she did like me I wouldn’t be mad. I would probably even try for her if she really wanted more then friends. I feel that isn’t the case as my caring friend wise seems too much for her suddenly, even though it’s online and I refer to her as my best friend but not in that way. Behind my back I found I was called a stalker, it really hurt, still does.
    I have no idea why suddenly I’m hated when she seemed alright with me being bi, but then I got a gf and she still seemed ok with it.
    Then I just don’t know what happened and why she hates me..

    And Anna that took a lot of guts for your lesbian friend to do with her friend, I really do hope they can overcome this.. You are a wonderful friend for your lesbian friend to try to help her in stick by her side.

  • #143199 Reply

    Jess

    I told my best friend from high school that I had feelings for her. The fact is she led me on but was too repressed and ashamed to even tell her boyfriend that she was bisexual and as the years went by I couldn’t stand being toyed with emotionally. I don’t resent her not being brave and just accepting that she was attracted to me, I could be cool with never having been with her sexually ever. I just mourn the fact that she wasn’t brave enough to stay friends with me regardless. Is it a product of living in a mainly conservative state like Texas? But she seems ok with other people being bi or gay. I guess it always bothered me.

  • #143958 Reply

    Iddy

    Geri, your story strikes a chord with me because I am currently in your position when you were younger.

    Years back, I met my friend and fell in love with her. I have never felt anything of that sort for someone else. Till date she is still the only person I love. I dropped hints here and there but nothing obvious because I didn’t know what would come out of a relationship with her, if she did recipocate or anything. There was once she held my hand but I gave no response because I wasn’t sure what I should do at that point in time. Over time, I did question if she had any feelings for me or not as there were signs she was straight as well.

    The most obvious sign that she could possibly be bi was when she confessed unwillingly, one night, over the phone that she probably likes our other female friend whom she was having problems with at that point in time. The next day she hushed me up and pretended that conversation never happened though I was pretty sure I heard what I did.

    During that period, all I did was to support her and made sure she was ok. That was that.

    One day, 2 years later, she told me she was going on an exchange program. I was sad and relieved at the same time. I thought with this time apart, I might be able to get rid of my feelings for her once and for all. Well, I was wrong and not only so, it made me realise how entrenched I was in it. This program would eventually inevitably force me to make my first most unwilling confession ever. To make it short, she had her heart broken by a jerk who confessed but had not ended cleanly with his ex. I was furious beyond words as I had expected a responsible guy to sweep her off. It obviously also did broke my heart finding out that she loves someone. I have always wanted the best for her because I really believed in this verse from the Bible.

    <i>Love is always patient and kind. It is never jealous. Love is never boastful or conceited. It is never rude or selfish. It does not take offense and is not resentful. Love takes no pleasure in other people’s sins, but delights in the truth. It is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope, and to endure whatever comes.</i>

    Fast forward, after she came back from the program and after my unwilling confession which she forced out of me, we tried to maintain as per normal. Obviously it wasn’t going to work. I cried buckets. She told me we would remain friends but the friendship we have could not possibly remain the same.

    I was devastated. I spent a year to get over her. After that I became a much happier person without the weight of it all on my shoulders. Though falling in love seems to be the most difficult thing on Earth for me. At that point in time, I resolved that I would never contact her since that was what she wanted, and I would never appear at places where she might possibly frequent.

    2 years after our last conversation, she contacted me via message. I was angry and had half the mind to tell her off after she told me that we should not contact each other. She had no idea the pain I went through and yet she could actually message me nonchalantly a week asking how I was?

    It would be another year and a half before we actually met up again because I was overseas.
    Some side notes:
    In the time that I was absent, our other female friend had contacted her and patched up with her (as friends).

    She used to completely forget about my existence and went for lunch with this other friend, leaving me behind in class.

    Neither of us have a boyfriend. Perhaps because we have high standards. She has rejected guys and so have I.

    I remind her of the things that I dislike, the words she said that had cut me when those similar situations present themselves.

    My feelings are not as strong as before and I can control myself much better now. But it’s there. I try my best not to contact her, reminding myself of the pain I went through but that missing just doesn’t go away. This time I feel like confessing to her and ending it properly. It’s clear to me that some of me still wants her.
    If any of you could share some insights on my situation or have similar experiences, do share with me how I can handle this situation.

  • #144446 Reply

    Helena

    I got together with a friend who I hadn’t seen in 15 years. Prior to that we were both involved with men and clearly heterosexual. When we met for lunch, after 15 years, she stated that she had had a relationship with another woman. I made it clear that I was still straight and she said, “I am too from here on. It was just a one time thing.” I wanted to make it clear that I was straight so that if she had expectations of getting together for any romance that it wasn’t for me. We agreed to meet to write or go to the movies a few times a month and to support one another in our career pursuits, to help motivate one another, etc. Kind of like a woman’s support group.

    Everything was great, like having a new best friend. She said something once along the lines of, “Oh won’t you marry me….” I thought she was joking since my straight friends and I joke about marrying one another ..”If only we each had the right parts, etc..” So we continued to get together and she said things that made me think that she wasn’t kidding – like, “We need to talk…..” I said, “About what?” She said, “You don’t think we need to talk? Isn’t there something you want to talk about?” I said, “No. I have no issues and nothing to talk about.”

    I tried to gently make it clear. We then just haven’t really made plans since. I didn’t want to hurt her feelings and feel that giving here a gentle message will maybe give her time away and if the friendship is meant to be, it will be. If we get together in a few months then I might say, “I just really need to make it clear again that I’m straight.”

    So, it did irritate me that I made it clear initially that I was straight and that she represented herself as so and then she made a pass. She said some things that were somewhat presumptuous, as if she could change my sexual preferences. This, I feel, is arrogant and made me lose respect for her. I enjoy the friendship, totally am for all gay rights, etc. I just think that if someone is straight and you are not, then why fish from the wrong pool? Being honest up front goes a long way to preserve friendships, avoid being hurt. Being dishonest can only lead to your own anger and hurt and wasting another’s time basing a friendship on false pretenses.

  • #144466 Reply

    Shelley

    As a lesbian, in my opinion, if I’m attracted to a straight friend, I probably wouldn’t say anything. However, if I was feeling like I was falling in love, or the attraction was getting worse, then I’d have to tell her. At that point, if she didn’t share your feelings, then I think any normal person would realize that it’s pretty much the end of the friendship – and we both would have to accept it. It would be too hard to be with someone you love (as they’re dating, etc.) – and on the other side it would be too awkward to be friends with someone who loves you. The best thing for both is to walk away. Sounds harsh, but I think it’s for the best.

  • #144473 Reply

    Isabella

    There have been two occasions where I have had a female lesbian friend confess their attraction and ask what I thought about being more. I just handled it the same way I would with a guy. I politely told them I wasn’t interested, felt slightly awkward for a little bit (remainder of the conversation maybe) and then moved forward with the friendship.
    It doesn’t matter if your admirer is gay or straight. Get over it and just keep on with life and friendships.

  • #144482 Reply

    Brenda

    I had a girl friend that liked me and I was flattered. I still hung out with her like normal, but slightly different. When she would hug me I would hug her a little tighter than before, and it would make her smile. It was just something I did to let her know she was still my dear friend.

  • #144617 Reply

    Anonymous

    This topic is very sad, especially for us Straight Guys looking to meet a Straight Normal Woman today.

  • #145019 Reply

    Anonymous

    I am a straight woman who was suddenly approached by a lesbian woman at a concert about a month ago. I was sitting with friends (my husband hadn’t arrived yet) and she came over and joined in the conversation and after what seemed like a very brief time said something like “You are the most beautiful woman in this room” something I’m not used to hearing as I am average looking at best. But she continued to talk about the way I laughed, danced, dressed and on and on. Yes it was embarrassing, even though when she said these things we were out of earshot of other people. I guess I assumed she was gay and said my husband would be here soon, figuring that would nip it in the bud but it didn’t. She didn’t seem bothered by the fact that I was married and keep flattering me. When hubby showed up, I introduced them, other people wandered back to the table and the rest of the evening was comfortable… we were all dancing together, talking together, etc. My problem is that this feeling she has is not going away but she tells me it is growing stronger. I appreciate her honesty and each time she said something provocative reminded her that nothing sexual could happen between us, though i would like to remain friends. She would say she understood but just couldn’t help the way she felt and also has told me “I guess I’ll never get married.” If it weren’t for the sexual tension, I think we would be good friends. I like her very much, just not “that way”. Does anyone have experience as a lesbian woman who had a strong “crush” on someone that went away when she met someone more appropriate or as a straight woman who’s loving lesbian friend got over the sexual part of their relationship and was able to be a good friend and nothing more?

  • #145252 Reply

    The lesbian friend

    I realize this was meant for the response of a straight girl to get their perspective but I think I should enlighten with a response of my own. I fell for a best friend of mine and did just what this woman’s friend did with the same exact intentions and thoughts in mind. My straight friend never once showed any awkward feelings around me since then. She was just like, “thanks but no thanks and I love you like a sister.” I accepted things as they are and we are still very close good friends today. I don’t see why someone can’t just be like, “uh, well that’s nice you feel that way but I don’t” and just move on. I think something like that is a bit hard to keep inside yourself and especially from a best friend. In all honesty they probably already know since it is a best friend (mine did). Besides, if you love each other enough then the lesbian isn’t going to let the feelings get in the way of the friendship and the straight friend shouldn’t either. A lot of the time when you confess something like that it’s because there needs to be something worked through or released. Saying it may help release what is there and help them to let those feelings go. Keeping it in sort of feels like having a wedge between you and your friend and confessing those feelings isn’t an act of seduction but rather an act to lift that wedge. Wedges can separate friends too and wedges get in the way of any true bond that can be formed. Perhaps not everyone should go out and confess their undying love to their bffs but I don’t blame those who choose to do so or the friends that decide to stick together regardless of the undying love confession. Some friendships will break under the pressure and others may become better because of it. Not all confessions end in disasters and a friendship doesn’t have to fall apart when one person gets feelings and the other doesn’t. I guess what I am trying to say is that feelings and even confessed feelings don’t have to be the end of a friendship. I am evidence to that. My friend is married with a child now and we continue to have an unbreakable bond. I have come to see her as my dearest friend. I wound never do anything to hurt that bond.

Reply To: Straight girls, how do you take it when a lesbian friend/BFF romantically likes/loves you?
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