Welcome Box
Ask the Friendship Doctor

Should I try to rekindle my friendship with her?

This topic contains 10 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  JulieBaxter 4 months, 1 week ago.

  • Author
    Posts
  • #69984 Reply

    CanCanKant

    My former best friend and I had a falling out after knowing each other 15 years. The friendship faded gradually at first, but then our relationship dropped off dramatically.  My friend had always been a drama queen type, and she had been going through a lot with her ex boyfriend (who was a cheat and used her for money and a place to deal drugs) right before this happened.  I felt that I was there for her, maybe even a little too much, since she became very needy, even calling several times one day when I was at work, until I answered the phone.

    When they broke up, she really lost it and couldn’t let go, to the point of her getting into some legal trouble over contacting him and threatening him and his new girlfriend. I could understand what she was going through, but she took it to an extreme.

    Well, I ended up getting into some trouble of my own and lost my driver’s license for nearly a year. It made it very difficult for me to get around, but I did not feel like she was there for me. She complained that we didn’t hang out anymore, but did she offer to come pick me up? NO. Add to this I was very embarrassed about what had happened (I got a DUI/OWI) and was depressed about it. She thought I was blaming her for what had happened (we were together the night I got arrested), but never did I blame her. It was not her fault. It was my fault for driving. I stopped drinking (and still do not), and that was also a strain, since she still drinks.

    My feelings on this have softened a lot, and she’s repeatedly said she wants to be back in my life. I’m not sure I can trust her, though. She has been manipulative and selfish in the past, and I’m not ready to deal with drama. She seems to be in a stable relationship with a decent guy now, though, so that is a good start. Do I rekindle this or should I just let it be? We have a lot of good times in the past, but also a lot of hurt and hard feelings, too.

  • #70417 Reply

    Anon

    It depends on what you mean by “rekindle.”  Your post doesn’t explain why, specifically, you had a falling out.  You mention that you got a DUI while out with her, but then claim that you didn’t blame her for it.   A piece of the puzzle is missing.  I don’t understand what happened.

    But to answer your specific question, it doesn’t sound seem as though you like this woman.  Regardless of the circumstances that caused your falling out, you don’t speak of this former friend with love.  It’s like you would only tolerate her if you rekindled your relationship.  Why bother?  Don’t you deserve friends you like?  Doesn’t she deserve a friend who likes her?

    That being said, if you run in the same circles, then yes, it might be a lot easier to be on better terms with her.  Only you know the situation and whether or not it’s worth it to try to make up.  But if you do, I doubt you’ll ever be close again.  Your question reeks of contempt towards her.

  • #70443 Reply

    cancankant

    I do like her at times, but at other times, she can be insensitive and self centered.  She can be an incredibly fun person.  We’ve shared a lot of good times over the years as well, and there are many times I really wish it could go back to the way it was, but that is not possible.  In order for that to happen, we’d need a time machine.  We’re both very different than when we first met.  Some ways for the better, and other ways for the  worse.  I got married and for the most part, settled down, and she’s still single, but generally in committed relationships.  The guy I mentioned in my original post was possibly the worst guy for her and just a bad guy in general.  Frankly, I got tired of her complaining about his bad behavior and asking me to bail her out of situations that got too tense.  Only after a lot of soul searching did I realize that I’ve been doing this for YEARS.  She tends to pick the “bad boys” over suitable, hard working men, and then complains when they don’t measure up.

    I only mention that I don’t blame her for my DUI because she asked me if I blamed her (she was not with me when I was arrested – I was alone).  I know she felt guilty for letting me drive, but she was drunk as well, so it was the blind leading the blind.  Of course I don’t.  She asked me to come out with her, and I drank too much.  I drove home (stupidly), and got pulled over.  It was probably the best possible outcome for me because it made me reevaluate what I was doing and what I needed to change.  To invite someone who can’t drive because she got a DUI out to a bar is insensitive in my opinion, and that’s part of the problem that eventually drove us completely apart.  It’s also insensitive to expect someone who can’t drive to be at your beck and call hanging out.  I had no way of getting around, yet she was complaining that we weren’t getting together.  To add insult to injury, when we first met, she had no license despite being 28 yrs old, and I spent the first two years driving her around wherever we went!  I was happy to do it because we were having fun.  It hurt that she didn’t return the favor, yet was calling me her “best friend”.

    I wouldn’t mind being friendly with her or even good friends once again after a level of trust has been built up.  It’s awkward to wonder if she’ll be at an event I’m planning to attend.  I don’t live in a small town, but we’re into a lot of the same things, so it’s understandable.  We’re still friends on Facebook as well, so she will post that she misses me every so often.  I’ve tried to see if she wants to go for a coffee or something casual, but then she doesn’t respond, so I’m not sure if she wants to be friends anymore, or if she similarly fells guilty about the end of our relationship.

    I’ve cried many tears over this, so while it may sound like I’m being mean or hateful about things in the past, I remember that this is someone I spent some of my happiest moments with, and it hurts that it’s no longer the same.

  • #70549 Reply

    jacqueline

    First of all, cancankant, congratulations on having stopped the drinking, and learning from your mistakes.

    You are remembering what WAS, wishing you had a time machine to go back; some of your happiest moments were shared with her.  But she is no longer that person.  Like all of us, we change, evolve, and grow, sometimes in different directions.

  • #70788 Reply

    cancankant

    I realized after we stopped doing nothing but clubbing and the like that she and I really didn’t have that much in common.  All we had was going out.  She can be an incredibly fun person until she hits a point where she becomes obnoxious.  This happens whether alcohol is involved or not (more when it is, though), so I can’t blame the booze.

    I found it extremely difficult to be around ANYONE for a long time after I got arrested.  Of course, since she knew about my arrest, and I was embarrassed.  She didn’t judge me, but there was a slight bit of “I told you so” in her voice when she found out.  I guess that’s fair enough, but it was a little like the pot calling the kettle black.

    I’d been making excuses for her loud, obnoxious behavior for years, and after I helped her through her terrible breakup with her boyfriend, I’d really had enough.  I was going through problems of my own, and I had little patience to sit through hours of “Why did he leave me for that @#!%*(~@?”.  I was over and done with the drama.

    Anon said my post reeks of contempt.  It’s not contempt.  It’s a sadness that the friend I used to have such a good time with turned into a bitter mid-forties woman who did a whole bunch of not so nice things to her really not nice boyfriend (should have NEVER been with this guy in the first place — he was a manipulative person the whole time, but she would not listen).  I didn’t feel sorry for him, but I did feel sorry for her.  She had lost so much self respect that she couldn’t even see how crazy she’d become.

    She says she misses me, and it’s like a siren’s call.  I guess that’s why I think that maybe we could have some sort of relationship, but I know in my heart that there’s really no point.  I am not the first friend she’s lost in recent years.  She seems to be in a better place, but since she doesn’t air her dirty laundry on Facebook, I don’t know that for sure.  I do hope she’s well and has found some happiness.  She definitely DIDN’T deserve the bad relationship with her ex boyfriend (and many others that preceded him).  She deserves to be happy.

  • #70830 Reply

    jacqueline

    Again, you are remembering what WAS, and that is why it affects you when your ex-friend claims she misses you.  This could be a way to manipulate you back to her.

    Your instincts are telling you there is no point to re-start this.  You have tried before and nothing has changed.

    YOU deserve to be happy too.

  • #73315 Reply

    Miles

    I’m not sure :/

  • #149799 Reply

    Mann

    More than 20 years ago, I was going thru a divorce. I confided in one girlfriend all the details as she went thru a divorce so I thought she would understand. Found out that she and her daughter had told my story to a lot of people within the company I worked for. No one in my company ever knew that I was going thru a divorce.

    I had applied for a management promotion (I had just got my BS in Bus. Management) and was told I was not management material. My mentor at work told me that I was not going to get the job as everyone knew I was going thru a divorce & I was too emotional. He told me where he heard my story (it was her). I called her and really yelled at her to stop spreading my life to everyone and that I lost a job promotion due to this. I then hung up the phone pissed.

    I recently thought that I would contact her as she was a good friend and I liked her. When I did contact her, I did sincerely apologize that I hurt her. I really did listen to her without any interruptions. I then tried to have her remember what she contributed to the situation and all she talked about was how hurt she was and how I yelled at her. I was taken back and tried to tell her my story but all she talked about was her journey of how badly I hurt her and the difficult time she had to get over this.

    At the time of our fight, I could’ve ruined her husband’s career by telling everyone in the company that he was an alcoholic, loved watching porn & his sexual weirdness. I wanted to hurt her but I didn’t do that. I was so angry and why was that? I had to move to a different part of the company that I didn’t want to work in but I needed a job – it was not my career path.

    I am trying to make amends for the bad thing I did but I don’t feel that I am being heard. I am a pillar to the community, do a lot of community work, dog rescue, have a wonderful job, great husband and friends. I am a pretty happy and content person but I feel ashamed of how acted in that moment. I can honestly say that on my deathbed, I would be content to die as I have no what if’s. I have been an honest and good person.

    Can this friendship be saved?

  • #149803 Reply

    lottie

    Hi Cancankant,

    She will call you her best friend that is because you were,unfortunately she is NOT your best friend. She disappeared when you needed help. Sounds like she uses people and keeps her options open so that she fall back on a number of easy pick up friends. Think of the good times that were and forget any future friendship with her. Of course stay pleasant and friendly if necessary but in a distant sort of way. In others words do not rekindle. Good luck Lottie

  • #149804 Reply

    lottie

    Hi Mann,
    NO to your question it can’t be.

    What are you talking about,she gossiped all your private business to all and sundry and you think she was a friend. NO NO NO. No friend of yours. You missed out on promotion because of what she repeated but also your employers also knew that you couldn’t hold your tongue about your own private affairs ,that is also why you missed the job. Then you went yelling down the phone to her. That also will have been repeated to everybody. Keep your own counsel and stop giving info out about your life.
    You are now happy with good husband and good friends surely there is no room in your busy (I imagine schedule)and you have a job you happy with. Enjoy your life with those you love. Best wishes Lottie

  • #149805 Reply

    JulieBaxter

    Mann, drop this woman as a friend. She’s not a friend. She’s guilting you into apologizing for something really rotten SHE did. She did damage to your reputation and career.

    And if there’s ever a next time, don’t share personal information at work. You never know when it’ll bite you in the butt.

Reply To: Should I try to rekindle my friendship with her?
Your information:





<a href="" title="" rel="" target=""> <blockquote cite=""> <code> <pre> <em> <strong> <del datetime=""> <ul> <ol start=""> <li> <img src="" border="" alt="" height="" width="">

Visit GirlfriendSocial.com

css.php