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No Kids 30's Making Friends Dilemma

This topic contains 10 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by  CrystalBallGazer 2 months ago.

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  • #181375

    tealyfille
    Participant

    So most people would take a look at me and usually assume that I have lots of friends based on my looks, family life, the career driven successful boyfriend who’s in the medical field that I seem to have it all. Just because it looks good on the outside does not mean you know what is going on in the inside. I use to be a big social butterfly and one of my favorite things use to be happy hour with the girlfriends but then I got sick and my illness nearly killed me. On top of that I became deathly allergic to alcohol and that’s when I learned that most of my female close friendships surrounded alcohol and I was tragically disappointed. I am cured now but it was such a hard thing to go through from 25-29 years of age. I am being transparent about that because it has really affected me and I’m wondering if anyone has gone through that as well?

    I never wanted to get married or have kids and since I got my heath back on track and have decided to go back to school, I have found nearly all of my girlfriends all married with babies. I am genuinely and whole kindheartedly happy for them but I just don’t share the same desires. It feels like I have nothing in common with them and we are worlds apart and I really don’t want to be but I feel it has just turned into that way whether or not, I like it or not. If I speak up about how I do not want to be around babies because it makes me extremely uncomfortable, I get judged. A lot of those girlfriends have stopped effort with me, all because I stood up for myself. If I speak up about how my boyfriend and I do not want kids in the future, these girlfriends will tell me that I have plenty of time to change his mind. And it honestly just offends me. Maybe I honestly don’t want children, what is wrong with that? It doesn’t at all mean I’m selfish in any way. I only have one girlfriend who doesn’t judge me. I just don’t understand why if you don’t choose “that” life that mothers think they have it better because they have a baby and label you, “Oh she’s one of those kinds, the unbaby kind!” It’s like really? I have feelings, I think for myself and only for myself and my future Mr. and I just do not want children. I wonder if it’s a generation thing because my mom can clearly have girlfriends with no children and she’s had those friendships for years. I really want the same thing and when I ask for advice she tells me I just need to be more picky about women from my generation.

    I just wish I had a few girlfriends who were not married THAT didn’t have children. It honestly would be nice to have some friends to relate to and understand how it feels to be judged and labeled because you want a different life.

    I am just wondering if there are any others that have experienced this?


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  • #181376

    Rabbit
    Participant

    The thing about parents is they are incredibly proud to be parents and love their kids more than anything in the world. Some forget that their kids don’t hold the same significance to their friends or strangers. It’s not a bad thing. Their kids pretty much are the center of their world.

    Your mom is a wise women. She gave you great advice. I think If you are not willing to step out of your comfort zone and be a little bit more friendly with your friends kids, than it is probably best that you find people you feel more comfortable with. It’s not wrong for your friends to be turned off by your view towards babies, and it is not wrong for you to feel that way towards them. You are who you are.

    As a women who also does not want children I feel your pain. Some insensitive comments people make can be incredibly frustrating, but there are people out their that will understand you and respect your boundaries.

    Take care.


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  • #181377

    Socialite
    Participant

    I was all with you until this:

    “If I speak up about how I do not want to be around babies because it makes me extremely uncomfortable, I get judged. A lot of those girlfriends have stopped effort with me, all because I stood up for myself.”

    It’s one thing to not want kids of your own, and it’s something completely different to have a hostile attitude to your friends’ children. I can see how any mother who senses that will distance herself from said friend.


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    • #181394

      CrystalBallGazer
      Participant

      I was just going to say the same thing!!….its fine to not want children,but in a way the OP IS judging HER friends for having kids and really making them feel bad for having any.You can visit people with kids you know if you really care about the friendship,you don’t have to hold someones baby etc. I’m pretty sure they know the OP is not child friendly,so she wouldn’t have to broadcast it.The better thing to do is just politely move on from the friendships instead of making a statement about not wanting to be around their children,which is quite a put down in itself,it would be quite offensive to the parent,making the feel they were being judged for having a family they love. Of course a friend will get offended if you say you like them but not their child,who has done nothing to you in the first place. Better OP moves on quietly and politely otherwise she can and will be judged back.

      Seems odd to ditch a friend just because they now have a little family,it shouldn’t make a difference if you love and care about the friend.


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  • #181669

    Lua
    Participant

    As a child free woman, yes it’s harder when friends start having kids and if don’t want to be around their kids. Unfortunately, these friends will drift away. I have lost friends over the years since they disappeared after their kids were born. People nowadays are focused on pleasing their kids, even if it means sacrificing adult time. And most parents don’t want to leave their kids with babysitters. When your parents and my parents were raising kids, they had adult time, including time with their friends without children. It’s not like that anymore. It’s unfortunate, but people are more about convenience than loyalty, especially when it comes to parenting.

    Also I think working longer hours and long commutes, parents want to spend limited free time with their kids and other parents. People have to work way longer and harder than previous generations or risk layoffs. No job is secure these days. Not saying it’s the reason, but likely why more parents want to spend limited time doing family stuff. I have limited free time and the spare time I so have is not spending with other people’s kids. Would rather be around my cat! I would rather be alone than to be around screaming snot nosed kids! And nothing wrong with feeling that way. Try to spend time doing what you enjoy. Eventually you will learn to enjoy time by yourself. Have to be your own best friend. Eventually


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    • #181686

      CrystalBallGazer
      Participant

      Of course people who have families and kids want to spend time with them. That’s normal. They can most likely sense the fact that you don’t like their kids so they don’t bother to spend time with you as a result.Its not about just pleasing their kids, its about loyalty to their family first and that is also normal.Childless people fail to understand the loyalty thing when family is involved.Of course your family comes first before your friends,they are your blood. Same with your partner in a relationship,they also take first place in front of friends and rightly so.There is nothing wrong with someone being loyal to their family first. Some childless people show they are not interested in the their friend’s family,partner etc,so why would a friend bother with someone like that,who has become so rude in the first place?.Having children and family is pretty normal,being childless is less common than those who don’t,so of course you will be feeling left out and a bit miffed.Better you look for other childless people to be with.


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  • #181670

    Lua
    Participant

    Typing on my phone, so apologies. Eventually, you will find more like minded people. Or you may find parent friends whom want that adult time. A lot depends in the people. Good luck.


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  • #181690

    Lua
    Participant

    @crystalballgaze
    First of all, who are you to speak for childfree or childless people? Of course it’s “normal” for parents to want to spend time with their families. Completely get that. What I was saying is parents often drop their friends if they don’t have kids. It happens. And we do understand the loyalty of parents putting their kids first. And of course if the frienda dont want to spend time with children nor like being around the children, the friendship will not last. So before you start making judgment, lose me on that loyalty bs.


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    • #181707

      CrystalBallGazer
      Participant

      Its not loose judgement Lua,its just clear you don’t understand the term loyalty.You also are very anti kids.so obviously your past or current friends have picked up on that and that’s why they have dropped you. You are still going on as if your friends with kids are being disloyal to you?.You simply don’t get it.Of course you will get dumped if a friend senses you are negative,anti,demanding and rude towards their own family.So what are you moaning about if you know the friend must be loyal to their family first. You do seem very bitter and jealous to people with children and angry they are not giving you enough attention.Why don’t you just go and be friends with other childless people instead of running your own friends down,when you know how it goes.?.Simple really.


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  • #181711

    Lua
    Participant

    @CrystalBall For your information, I do have friends with kids. I was stating you will lose friends with kids, especially if you are childfree. Go ahead and judge and call me bitter and anti kid, lol. I did not let you go unchecked and thats why you are insulting me. I give zero fucks what you think of me. Not going to waste my time arguing with you. Its like arguing with a Trump supporter. You have yourself a good rest of thw weekend!


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    • #181716

      CrystalBallGazer
      Participant

      Lua you were the one who said the things you did in your initial posts. My judgements were made on those statements that were very anti kid people and your friends.Go ahead and show yourself to be more angry by swearing as you have. Its your problem you posted what you did.Silly person you are swearing and showing your hostility, no wonder your friends have ditched you in the past.


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