My friend,once a princess now a pauper.relationship turning toxic-shld i leave?
This topic contains 11 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by L 1 day, 5 hours ago.
January 25, 2013 at 2:55 pm #81298
Van- the way you describe this woman seems obvious that you do not consider her a friend or respect her..she seems completely unaware of this, so if you just keep dodging her calls and visits the situations stays the same..so I would write her an email, the friendship is draining for you, and you do not wish to continue..But don’t make it a punishment= if you don’t leave your Bf the I will pull away from you..why do that?? so that she is more invested you, and you feel obligated for her life choices??? No it is her life, her choices, you are just setting it up where she says what you want to hear..which is what she is doing now, never following thru but it keeps you listening…
Really why do you feel such a commitment to this friend, your history ended for 15 years, I hate to ask this, but it helps us all grow, what are you getting out of this..this situation you desribe has red flags written all over it, why are you ignoring them?
January 28, 2013 at 7:49 pm #81907
I already told her and had been verbal about it that I am trying to distance myself away from her. Respect has nothing to do with it — I think it’s better we both grow separately because that’s what’s best. I do respect her, I treat her properly when she was here, I was the one going all out on her – food, treats, listening to her nonstop about her problems even if she ignored mine. But too much is enough and I told her that– but she denied everything and didn’t want to accept it, as simple as that.
She knows I am distancing myself, she asked me why — I explained to her… She is aware of it but apparently does not care if our relationship drains me.
You are right, the relationship had red flags, so I am doing as much as I can to do what’s right… Apparently, she doesn’t care even if I said I am distancing myself for these reasons. That was my biggest problem now. I just didn’t think it would end up like this– i though that she would be mature enough to understand the scenario but apparently that’s not the case.
January 28, 2013 at 7:41 pm #81906
I’ve been ignoring her SMS since last week. I couldn’t find a way to block the messages, only calls. However, she seems persistent that she still wants to come over my place, so the best thing I am doing right is to ignore her completely. If the direct verbal approach does not work on her, I guess ignoring her is my only way out… I hope it stops, as I am really getting tired of this trying to avoid and hide. Either she is too insensitive or I should have been more vocal(apparently my being vocal before wasn’t enough).
January 29, 2013 at 2:49 pm #82115
I feel horrible for you! I imagine you probably feel like a prisoner in your own home at times. There is a way to block SMS from a sender but it depends on who your carriers is, I would call your provider and inquire.
I think what makes me most upset about your situation is that you have been very clear about your desires; it’s not like you have only resorted to some passive aggressive approach to avoid the uncomfortable conversation of sending a direct message. I suppose if your direct approach isn’t working, you could opt to not answer the door and go into another room when she shows up, refuse to acknowledge her at all. If she knows that you are there but are purposely not answering the door to avoid seeing her – I’d be willing to bet that after a couple of wasted trips it may do the trick…of course if she is persistent, it would be a difficult thing to do for an extended period of time (and your neighbors may not appreciate it either).
I had a situation somewhat similar to your ‘stalker friend’ when I was in college; I asked my Mother for advice – she told me to get married (not joking – she was really getting impatient for grandkids). Seriously though, it would be nice to have another person there if for nothing other than your protection (clearly doesn’t need to be a husband). If your friend comes over when she is really upset and you rebuff her, you have to consider the possibility that she may be capable of becoming aggressive. I think people are less likely to fly off the handle when there are others around. I also believe that she would be less likely to stick around if she sees you with another friend (especially if she sees that same friend there on more than one occasion…it sends the message that you’ve moved on). If she continues to be such a nuisance in your life you may want to consider warning her that she leaves you no choice but to go to the police. I remember feeling a bit exposed when I lived by myself, having odd characters in your life can be tricky when you live alone (I think your unpredictable friend probably qualifies as a bit odd).
I know going to the police is really harsh but if you’ve communicated in every possible fashion, firing such a threat across the bow is about your only option. Let’s examine this for a moment– you’ve been as direct as you possibly can by explaining your wishes and the reasoning behind your request, you have reinforced this message by removing yourself both physically and digitally from your interactions with her (i.e. – avoiding her when she attempts to visit, removed her from your cell and facebook) and to what end has that resulted in? It doesn’t seem to have fazed her at all! Someone commented that you have ‘red flags’ in the friendship – yeah I would say that is pretty obvious at this point. I feel so bad that you have to endure such an invasive situation due to your decent intentions. I can’t imagine how difficult this is for you to handle in the midst of the other responsibilities that I’m sure you have in your life. Keep sending the right message to your friend, she will realize that her efforts aren’t getting her what she wants – your attention. Don’t be afraid to look out for yourself at this point, she clearly crossed the line a while ago and doesn’t deserve your consideration for her feelings or needs any longer. I hope I haven’t come across too harsh – it is what I believe your friendship with her has come to however. Let me know how it goes.