My friend,once a princess now a pauper.relationship turning toxic-shld i leave?
This topic contains 12 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by MaryJo 7 months, 3 weeks ago.
January 23, 2013 at 9:57 am #80963
First of all, I thought this kind of story only happens in movies or in novels, but it happened to one of my closest friends.
Story starts like this… I had been close to this friend of mine since elementary days, specifically 1st grade! She was the richest girl in class, but she was an adopted one by an old but very rich man. She had everything a little girl would ever want. I was invited in her birthday parties and slumber parties, and we spent some time enjoying things together. Obviously when you are in elementary, you don’t think of the real problems in the world like an adult does. I considered her my very first best friend. However, she transferred school because her grades weren’t good. She was a slow learner and being enrolled in a Catholic all girls school didn’t help improve her academics. I later on found out that some of the nuns running the school demanded money from her rich grandfather so that she can pass. Her grandfather was obviously disappointed by this and let her leave that school.
We kept in touch for a few years even if we weren’t together. By high school though, I lost touch of her — for almost 15 years. Eventually, I forgot about her. But recently, around 2009, I saw her on Facebook and our old communication was brought back.
We arranged to do some get together to catch up with life. I was shocked when I found out that things went downhill at present. The old man who adopted her passed away, and her older half brothers were the ones in charge of everything. Now I do not know the real scenario here, if she got her share or whatsoever. But she told me that she only got support money from her half brothers for the first year her grandfather died. But case in point, since her grandfather died, she dropped school (it was her choice), left the house she was staying and started working as a customer service representative.
It would have ended that way but it didn’t. As of present, she let a man living in the slums impregnate her with two children. The man doesn’t have a job and is a drunkard who treats her like dirt. Knowing her situation I felt so sorry for her. At the same time, I thought is she even thinking where she came from? From a princess to a pauper, she could have prevented this if she finished her education and found the right man… but she did not. I do not understand her way of thinking. If someone was brought up in a rich family then goes to that level, what is that stupidity or low self-esteem?
Now where do I come in the picture? Well, since I feel so sorry for her, whenever we meet, I’m the one ending up paying for the bills (like eating out). I treated her all the time making her feel good. Well she never asked for any of the bills, and always EXPECT that I treat her. Now for the first few times, it’s ok, but ALL THE TIME is too much! I realized I wasn’t helping her, I was spoiler her. Whenever she is with me, she eyes all that I have and tells me she wants to buy the things I have as well — I mean exactly, the same color from wallet to laptop. I found that quite weird and didn’t know what to make of it.
I end up listening to her sob story every time — patiently. If the man verbally abuses her, I give her advice, to leave that man and go back to her half siblings, but she wouldn’t hear it…. Some days she would say “yeah I should go back”.. Next day, she would change her mind. Every time we meet, all she talks about is her boyfriend, how mad she is at him, and at the same time how in love she is with him!! I get so tired hearing this story all the time (breaking point). I call this stupidity. I feel like her sponge/pillow that she can just throw everything at. I know what she had been through, but her being so self centered is kind of suffocating me… I FELT LIKE IT WAS A ONE-WAY FRIENDSHIP AND SHE JUST NEEDED SOMEONE AND THAT WAS IT. She was stubborn in any of the advice I ever gave her and at one point, her BF got even mad at me coz I was with her. I treated her out, and all he could say through text message was to ‘hurry up coz I was not able to go to where I am supposed to go’. This infuriated me and I thought that I couldn’t live up to this any longer.
A few days ago, I told her that I would distance myself from her for the reason that I don’t want to see her getting hurt coz I couldn’t do anything for her. I also told her my grievances, how I feel about her, and how self-centered she can be at times. The first reply she told me was “you are the only best friend I have so don’t leave me like this”. For my own sanity, how long can I be a sponge?
This made me feel guilty, but at the same time, I cannot stand it any longer. There were time she would rush to see me even if I have work, just for her to pour her sad emotions. This drives me nuts because I do have work and I cannot tend to her sad tales all the time, most especially if she is one person who never helped herself. Btw, she worked so hard to support her two kids when she still had work while the BF didn’t give a shit!
What should I do? Should I totally ignore her and let her learn her lessons by herself? I have a feeling that she is slowly destroying her life and doesn’t care at all about it. P.s. She also recently lost her job, so she is acutally broke. She was considering getting a job from where I live, but instead of me being happy that we might be close, I felt dread!
P.s. They live with the guy’s parents. She tries to borrow money from me at times, I did lent her 2 times but after that I no longer did coz I never get repayed.
Please give advice. I relayed her background here so readers can understand why she is acting like this.
January 23, 2013 at 2:51 pm #80969
Does she really ever disrespect you. I’m sure it’s draining to have such a dramatic, exhausting friend; some friends can’t even handle it. But does this lady always put herself before you?
January 23, 2013 at 4:10 pm #80971
I hate to say this but I’ll bet you probably know deep down that she has been ‘assisted’ for the majority of her life – so your gestures are probably not going to get any type of reasonsble appreciation from her. It doesn’t sound like she is very grounded and until she comes to terms with the reality of her situation it seems clear that your friendship is more of a cruch than a catalyst for change. If you were to allow her personal problems to continue affecting important aspects of your life you will probably be rewarded with more grief than you realize. It is really difficult to see someone you have known for years drown in their own poor decisions.
The sad part about all of this is that it appears she may have alternatives for her and her children (the real victims in all of this)- a blessing so many others in her shoes do not have. I know it’s easier said than done but phasing out this friendship, for now, may be the best for both of you. She needs to make a decision about her priorities and act on them – not just burden you with her vacilating paradiams on which she seems to simiply fantisize about with no intention of acting on.
It is true that is good friend is there in good and bad but sometimes you need to lay down parameters and know when it is time to explain to an overly extended friend that you need a break. You sound like a good friend – one who should be spending more time with others in your emotionally grounded peer group. I wish you all the best on this difficult situation.
January 23, 2013 at 10:31 pm #80987
Thanks for replying. I am not sure if it’s called disrespect, but I think it’s more on being ‘self-centered’. If the topic of conversation is only she and her all the time it gets pretty annoying. It’s not like I don’t want to listen to her, but her sorrowful life gets to me since I’m her shock absorber. Well I’m willing to help her, but if the person you’re helping doesn’t want help from you but just an outlet to relay her problems, it gets more frustrating.
At one point, she wants me to cook for her whenever she visits me, and even brings home my food. Well that’s ok at least I know I’m a good cook (lol), but all the time??? Lol… I felt like being taken advantaged.
When it came to a point that I wasn’t 100% enjoying her company any longer, I had to ask myself why coz I knew something was wrong.
January 23, 2013 at 10:43 pm #80988
Thanks for taking time to read my long post and for giving a really nice advice. =)
My only question is how to end the friendship but not in a rude way? I tried my very best to tell her that I will distance myself for the reasons mentioned, but she wouldn’t hear any of it and still continues to message me. I am thinking that she might just pop on my door one day if I totally ignore her – Van
January 24, 2013 at 9:35 am #80998
Perhaps if you put it in terms she can relate to. You have already told her why you need space, which is not easy to do with such a longtime friend. I wonder if explaining to her the damage that this friendship is doing to your life would open her eyes. You can point out (in a nice manner) the toll that building a career (that is key to your long term success and stability) can put on a person. If you turn your back on your career, it doesn’t help either of you. Explain that it just may be that the friendship she needs takes more time and energy than you are able to provide. You can also point out that you both lived suitable lives for many years apart and survived to tell the tale, so it stands to reason that it can be done again.
It may also help if you told her that if she cares about you and your friendship, she must let you go, for now, in order to save any hope of rekindling the relationship in the future. If she can’t accept that then you know you are in for a really difficult situation. From my perspective, if she cannot accept this reasonable approach and respect your wishes then you need to run for the hills! This scenario reminds me of an average swimmer trying to save a drowning person – unfortunately they both get go under.
It stands to reason that a well-adjusted person would not want to inflict pain on a friend needlessly – it appears you have certainly tried to do that. If after another attempt you fail to see any changes in her ability to comply with your wishes I would strongly recommend cutting her out of your life in every way possible. Consider what her inability to accommodate your reasonable request really means. In my mind it suggests an unstable individual whose lack of maturity or insight will only bring increasing misfortune to you without any regard to the damage it will cause to your life whatsoever. In this event, I recommend that you take her out of your life completely; take her off of your facebook account, consider finding other routines or activities that she would not be familiar with in order to avoid running into her or making yourself readily available to her uninvited visits, block her number from your cell phone so you aren’t bothered with her messages. It would also be wise to have other friends over to your house so in the event she does stop by she can see that it isn’t convenient and makes for an easy and delicate way for you to reinforce your wishes for her to give you space. This is certainly not the desirable approach but if you have tried all other roads, she has left you no choice. I hope one more attempted discussion outlining the negative effects this friendship is having on your life right now does the trick but if not, I’m afraid it may be time to take off the gloves. Let me know how it goes…
January 25, 2013 at 2:24 am #81215
Thank you for the really practical advice. I agree with you. I was thinking of running towards the hills though (lol). Just last night, I received a text message from her. I blocked her calls, but I’m still figuring out how to block SMS as well. I wasn’t about to reply anymore but her msg made me do so. First thing she said was that she had talked to her brother etc etc and that she is deciding to leave her bf for good coz he was about to kick him off of his house. I heard this before and I didn’t really believe in it anymore, same scenario.
The thing that made me reply to her was when she said “hey i’ll come over to your place 10-11am coz I will talk to you about everything”… “UH -OHHH big problem” I just really got so rattled. The fact that she didn’t even ask me “are you busy? can i come over?” and just inviting herself was really getting a nuisance. So I had to reply, I made up an excuse of me not being here. The problem is, I have a home based job, so she knows I am always home all the time!!! That makes me think of excuses frequently! There was a time when she was at my place, I was working in my laptop and she was babbling for the last 30 mins or so about herself. I didn’t want that to happen anymore. She said that even if I worked, it doesn’t matter and that she will just watch me while I am working (or more so babble)! GHeeeezzzzz!!!!
Now she was saying “uh so ur not available, i’ll go next week.. Just wait for my message!” Is she freaking insensitive or something. She said she wanted to have a “heart to heart” talk with me. I don’t know if I will give her a chance to even really stress out the point of this friendship. Coz this “heart to heart” may be her opportunity in trying to win me over (since she now knows I am avoiding her).
I’ll do what I can to block the SMS messages, and if she still shows up on my doorstep, I will have no choice but to confront her and say everything direct in her face, well in a respectable way. If that still does not work, I would probably say I took a job outside and I’m no longer doing any home based, that would lay her off her visits.
Thanks again, L… Will update you what happens next..
January 25, 2013 at 4:02 am #81225
Just correcting my grammar mistake above:
she is deciding to leave her bf for good coz he was about to kick “her” off of his house (in fact it’s not even his house but his parents’).
January 25, 2013 at 2:55 pm #81298
Van- the way you describe this woman seems obvious that you do not consider her a friend or respect her..she seems completely unaware of this, so if you just keep dodging her calls and visits the situations stays the same..so I would write her an email, the friendship is draining for you, and you do not wish to continue..But don’t make it a punishment= if you don’t leave your Bf the I will pull away from you..why do that?? so that she is more invested you, and you feel obligated for her life choices??? No it is her life, her choices, you are just setting it up where she says what you want to hear..which is what she is doing now, never following thru but it keeps you listening…
Really why do you feel such a commitment to this friend, your history ended for 15 years, I hate to ask this, but it helps us all grow, what are you getting out of this..this situation you desribe has red flags written all over it, why are you ignoring them?
January 28, 2013 at 7:41 pm #81906
I’ve been ignoring her SMS since last week. I couldn’t find a way to block the messages, only calls. However, she seems persistent that she still wants to come over my place, so the best thing I am doing right is to ignore her completely. If the direct verbal approach does not work on her, I guess ignoring her is my only way out… I hope it stops, as I am really getting tired of this trying to avoid and hide. Either she is too insensitive or I should have been more vocal(apparently my being vocal before wasn’t enough).
January 28, 2013 at 7:49 pm #81907
I already told her and had been verbal about it that I am trying to distance myself away from her. Respect has nothing to do with it — I think it’s better we both grow separately because that’s what’s best. I do respect her, I treat her properly when she was here, I was the one going all out on her – food, treats, listening to her nonstop about her problems even if she ignored mine. But too much is enough and I told her that– but she denied everything and didn’t want to accept it, as simple as that.
She knows I am distancing myself, she asked me why — I explained to her… She is aware of it but apparently does not care if our relationship drains me.
You are right, the relationship had red flags, so I am doing as much as I can to do what’s right… Apparently, she doesn’t care even if I said I am distancing myself for these reasons. That was my biggest problem now. I just didn’t think it would end up like this– i though that she would be mature enough to understand the scenario but apparently that’s not the case.
January 29, 2013 at 2:49 pm #82115
I feel horrible for you! I imagine you probably feel like a prisoner in your own home at times. There is a way to block SMS from a sender but it depends on who your carriers is, I would call your provider and inquire.
I think what makes me most upset about your situation is that you have been very clear about your desires; it’s not like you have only resorted to some passive aggressive approach to avoid the uncomfortable conversation of sending a direct message. I suppose if your direct approach isn’t working, you could opt to not answer the door and go into another room when she shows up, refuse to acknowledge her at all. If she knows that you are there but are purposely not answering the door to avoid seeing her – I’d be willing to bet that after a couple of wasted trips it may do the trick…of course if she is persistent, it would be a difficult thing to do for an extended period of time (and your neighbors may not appreciate it either).
I had a situation somewhat similar to your ‘stalker friend’ when I was in college; I asked my Mother for advice – she told me to get married (not joking – she was really getting impatient for grandkids). Seriously though, it would be nice to have another person there if for nothing other than your protection (clearly doesn’t need to be a husband). If your friend comes over when she is really upset and you rebuff her, you have to consider the possibility that she may be capable of becoming aggressive. I think people are less likely to fly off the handle when there are others around. I also believe that she would be less likely to stick around if she sees you with another friend (especially if she sees that same friend there on more than one occasion…it sends the message that you’ve moved on). If she continues to be such a nuisance in your life you may want to consider warning her that she leaves you no choice but to go to the police. I remember feeling a bit exposed when I lived by myself, having odd characters in your life can be tricky when you live alone (I think your unpredictable friend probably qualifies as a bit odd).
I know going to the police is really harsh but if you’ve communicated in every possible fashion, firing such a threat across the bow is about your only option. Let’s examine this for a moment– you’ve been as direct as you possibly can by explaining your wishes and the reasoning behind your request, you have reinforced this message by removing yourself both physically and digitally from your interactions with her (i.e. – avoiding her when she attempts to visit, removed her from your cell and facebook) and to what end has that resulted in? It doesn’t seem to have fazed her at all! Someone commented that you have ‘red flags’ in the friendship – yeah I would say that is pretty obvious at this point. I feel so bad that you have to endure such an invasive situation due to your decent intentions. I can’t imagine how difficult this is for you to handle in the midst of the other responsibilities that I’m sure you have in your life. Keep sending the right message to your friend, she will realize that her efforts aren’t getting her what she wants – your attention. Don’t be afraid to look out for yourself at this point, she clearly crossed the line a while ago and doesn’t deserve your consideration for her feelings or needs any longer. I hope I haven’t come across too harsh – it is what I believe your friendship with her has come to however. Let me know how it goes.
March 14, 2014 at 1:25 am #139851
If your friend is unemployed and about to be booted out of her “home”, there are agencies that can help her into public housing or a housing voucher, especially if she has children. Larger cities have “St Vincent de Paul” groups that help with clothing, furniture, utilities assistance, sometimes even helping with rent.
If you’re feeling generous, call the local Food Bank, one of the larger churches in your area, the Women’s Shelter or a local helpline, if your city has one. Give her a list of agencies and phone numbers and tell her that you can’t help her any further, she’ll need to find other ways to help herself.
Ultimately, it’s HER job to put on her Big Girl panties and deal with it! For her children’s sake, I hope she does it soon. Sadly, they are the REAL victims, here.