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My friend cut me out of her life abruptly – please advice

This topic contains 78 replies, has 12 voices, and was last updated by  Amy 5 months, 2 weeks ago.

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  • #2108 Reply

    Kloe
    Participant

    I had someone I thought was a wonderful friend. We spoke all the time and hung out. About ten months ago she stopped contacting me. I had asked to see her and she said she was busy and then after that she wouldn’t return my calls- texts- emails. I thought I would give her some time- genuinely not understanding why she cut me off.

    I then saw a mutual friend who told me that this friend had told her ages ago that she didn’t want to be friends with me anymore. I feel really upset and confused and there’s not much left I can do. It will nearly be a year. I have gone over everything and can’t think of what I could done that was so awful to warrant such harsh behaviour from her.

    To make it worse- we have mutual friends who still see her- obviously as she is still wonderful to them. Though they sympathise with me, they also want to stay out of it. I totally understand their pov but can’t help feel really hurt that they are all continuing to hang out without me as I’ve died or something. Or like I never existed.

    I’m having a hard year anyway and this just adds to the misery.

    I would have said sorry if she had told me what I did- but she never gave me the chance. She has ignored everything all the way.

    I saw a present she gave a mutual friend and it really upset me. I feel like I can’t hang out with any of them as a part of me feels betrayed which logically isn’t fair.

    She was just so mean about it yet she gets to feel happy and carry on and I’m the one who is left hurting.

    Her husband used to be a friend of mine too and both of them have blocked me on fb twitter etc etc.

    No one seems to understand how bad I feel. Everyone keeps saying ignore it, let it go- find new friends.

    But how do you get over the hurt?

    I know time is a healer so need to just get through it.

    Has this happened to anyone else? How did you deal with it?

    Any warm advice would be lovely. I feel really low.

    Thanks

  • #8799 Reply

    Anonymous

    Kloe…I completely understand how you feel. In fact, I still feel the hurt today and my friendship with my BFF ended earlier this year as well…I dont understand what happened either…we had had a fallling out back in March…slowly she started to text me like nothing ever happened…I attempted to call her and extend an invite out, only to get text messages back….finally after 2 months of sporadic texting, I told her to give me a call if she ever wanted to chat or catch up…that was 3 months ago…nothing!…I ask myself many times, why would she be ok with texting, at times joking like nothing ever happened, only to cut me off after I ask her to call instead of text…??? I wish someone can shed some light on this too…anyway..it does hurt, I try and tell myself Im better off, I didnt deserve all the baloney she dished out…but then I hear she is going out with other friends, having a grand time like I never existed…I guess we should be doing the same…and I am trying, but it doesnt remove the feeling like you have been tossed aside….

  • #8800 Reply

    Kloe
    Participant

    How and why do they do that??? It’s so mean lol I can’t imagine it. I always make such an effort- I really cared for her. I don’t know. My mum said maybe she felt jealous but I dont have anything she would be jealous of! Someone said maybe she was jealous that I got on with her husband…. But I would never dream of doing anything to hurt her or her marriage!!

    I wish she had talked to me. We could have had an honest chat about whatever it was and sorted it out but she didn’t give me the chance.

    Easier said than done- forget about her make new friends. But it’s scary. I just feel like all my friendships are about to fall apart and no one actually cares about me as a friend at all. They’re all happy and fine and I’m like hello- hurt here! I just found out from the mutual friend so I suppose like an idiot- I thought he would come around and contact me.

    It’s so hurtful that she told other people she didn’t want to know me and didn’t have the guts to tell me!!

    So I’m just left hanging about….

  • #8801 Reply

    Kloe
    Participant

    Ps we didn’t even have a falling out. It just ended. Full stop.

  • #8802 Reply

    WonderWhy
    Participant

    Hi Kloe, if you really want to get closure from your friend then you could call her up and ask her directly. She may not give you a direct answer, but at least you tried. I know exactly how you feel as I’ve been in your position, but I’ve also been in your friend’s position so I understand both sides. When a friend dumped me without any explanation I was angry and went to our mutual friends for answers, but like your friends, they refused to take sides and so I was forced to confront my friend to get my answer. When I confronted her it made things awkward for our mutual friends who cooled off with me for a few weeks, I assume to let the dust settle, but after that, my mutual friends spoke to me again. I was SO RELIEVED to have confronted my friend just to tell her that it was horrible the way she just cut me off. Now, when I chose to end a friendship, I did it differently. How it happened is that I was part of a group of three friends. One friend and I were closer than the other until I discovered she was a compulsive hoarder (disgusting), would show up 30 to 45 minutes late for every social outing we planned, would fall asleep during movies or plays, and never apologized when I confronted her hoarding problems, lateness problems or lack of follow through on meeting me on time. Eventually she stopped calling me. Then one day out of the blue, she had the gall to call me asking me to help her and our mutual friend out of a bind. That’s when I got angry and told her exactly what I thought of her. I asked her why she was so disrespectful of me during our friendship (i.e. always being late, not getting help for her hoarding, making excuses, never apologizing or following through on things). Do you know what her response was: complete silence on the other end of the phone line, refusing to acknowledge my feelings or anything I’d just said. THEN she insulted me by asking me again if I was able to help her and our mutual friend out with their situation (they were out and my friend had forgot to print off their tickets to a concert and since i lived close to the concert venue, she asked if I would print off the tickets and meet them — they didn’t even invite me to the concert!! Of course I refused to help them and said “I guess you’ll have to find a copy center and print off the tickets yourself. Sorry!” I told her why she was a horrible friend to me over the phone and that our friendship was over for the reasons I wrote about. The fact that she didn’t bother to apologize for any wrongs she’d done, and her refusal to validate my feelings “I can see your upset, I’m sorry” showed me her true colors. I am still friends with our mutual friend who didn’t get involved, and it doesn’t even bother me when our mutual friend posts things about their activities on Facebook because she used me and at least I called her out on her bad behavior. So my advice to you is that if it’s really bothering you, call up your friend and demand to know why she ended her friendship with you without telling you. You may not get the closure you want, but at least you made an effort to find out why.

  • #8803 Reply

    Kloe
    Participant

    I did call her- she never called me back. She has absolutely ignored every piece of contact….

  • #8804 Reply

    WonderWhy
    Participant

    That’s unfortunate. Her actions show you proof that she never valued your friendship…at all. Otherwise she would have spoken to you when you called. Comfort yourself knowing that at least you showed integrity by reaching out to her, while your friend clearly lacked the maturity to reciprocate. I’m sorry you were treated so poorly by your former friend because you deserved an explanation.

  • #8806 Reply

    Anonymous

    People who hoard have a type of mental illlness and often have to receive therapy for it.

    I understand some of the more severe ones live in very unsanitary conditions, and if you choose to halt being friends with a hoarder, or to stay friends but stop visiting them at their homes, that is fine, but I believe they deserve a little more understanding.

    A lot of them may realize they have a problem and are even ashamed of how messy their homes have become, but they have no idea how to fix it.

    (Because they are emotionally attached to their “stuff,” it’s not just an easy matter of them tossing the “stuff” into a trash bin and being done with it.)

    Some of them may have depression, which means they lack the energy, interest, or motivation to clean up their stuff or trash.

    I think it’s fine to confront a friend on something, but with something like that, it’s the friend’s decision on how to handle their problem or even if they will admit to having one.

    Like with alcoholics, drug addicts, people with over eating problems, no amount of nagging, begging, or complaining can get them to change. They have to choose to do it for themselves.

    It’s like people who have weight problems. Husbands who shame or condemn their overweight wives for every piece of cake they eat make their wives feel worse, so the wife goes and eats another piece of cake.

    You said, “Do you know what her response was: complete silence on the other end of the phone line, refusing to acknowledge my feelings or anything I’d just said”

    That was after this:

    “she was a compulsive hoarder (disgusting),….when I got angry and told her exactly what I thought of her. I asked her why she was so disrespectful of me during our friendship (i.e. always being late, not getting help for her hoarding, making excuses, never apologizing or following through on things)”

    She probably felt judged, condemned, and hurt. If your friend phone you up and ran down a list of your shortcomings in that way, you’d probably be hurt or shocked into silence as well.

  • #8807 Reply

    WonderWhy
    Participant

    This conversation would be best for another forum to do with hoarders. My former friend owns a house with a large front/backyard but refuses to seek help for her mental illness. No one ever visits her home – not even her fiance or family or friends – because it’s in uninhabitable condition that even the city she lives in has served her notice to clean up her home or the city will condemn it. For months along with her other friends and family I begged her to seek help, I asked her to show up on time for movies, plays, dinners we made plans for but she refused. Her disrespect of my time, her refusal to get help for her problem is why I can’t be friends with her. Why would I be friends with a heroine addict who refuses to seek help? I wouldn’t. They are choosing to destroy their own lives and being selfish about it – not my problem. How she felt when I told her the truth is not my problem. I’m not responsible for her feelings or her life. And I will have to disagree with you that I shocked her into silence. She already is a very passive-aggressive person who is silent but then who also explodes without warning and does inappropriate behavior. She is an unhealthy person and someone i can’t be friends with. That doesn’t make me a bad person because I have standards for the kinds of friends I want in my life.

  • #8808 Reply

    Liz
    Participant

    I’ve been in the same spot as you are & what hurts is the lack of loyalty by the mutual friends. What are they saying about it to her? If I am in a position where two friends have had a falling out, I always try to bring them back together.
    Yes, time will help, and staying busy, but maybe you should avoid any and all aspects of this former friendship for a bit – including these mutual friends & facebook. In my opinion it is just making it harder on you to see what they are all doing whilst excluding you.
    Liz

  • #8809 Reply

    Anonymous

    I never said you were a bad person. That is something you read in to my post.

    I also noted in my first post you are most welcome to make your own choices in life, including not remaining her friend anymore.

    Of course her feelings are not your responsibility, I did not suggest that they were.

    At the same time, though, I find it distasteful when people feel they have a right to totally disregard the impact their tough words or tough attitudes have on other people, or who feel they have a right to bull doze over other people’s feelings.

    You seem to lack compassion and sympathy for this friend who appears to have mental health problems and were quick to judge her, and that was what I found troubling.

    You expressed disgust and annoyance at her lifestyle, which is your right, but don’t be surprised when you behave that way or give off those vibes, that other people may not want to be friends with you.

    I know I would not appreciate getting a call from someone telling me they’re a friend, but they proceed to run off a litany of complaints about me and how I live my life.

    It’s okay to be direct with people, but you’d get better results if you tone down the disgust, judgment, and hostility when being direct. You can catch more flies with honey than you can with vinegar.

  • #8810 Reply

    Anonymous

    I never said you were a bad person. That is something you read in to my post.

    I also noted in my first post you are most welcome to make your own choices in life, including not remaining her friend anymore.

    Of course her feelings are not your responsibility, I did not suggest that they were.

    At the same time, though, I find it distasteful when people feel they have a right to totally disregard the impact their tough words or tough attitudes have on other people, or who feel they have a right to bull doze over other people’s feelings.

    You seem to lack compassion and sympathy for this friend who appears to have mental health problems and were quick to judge her, and that was what I found troubling.

    You expressed disgust and annoyance at her lifestyle, which is your right, but don’t be surprised when you behave that way or give off those vibes, that other people may not want to be friends with you.

    I know I would not appreciate getting a call from someone telling me they’re a friend, but they proceed to run off a litany of complaints about me and how I live my life.

    It’s okay to be direct with people, but you’d get better results if you tone down the disgust, judgment, and hostility when being direct. You can catch more flies with honey than you can with vinegar.

  • #8811 Reply

    Anonymous

    wonderwhy…I too, wish I had seen the end coming to have dealt with my friendship as you had…good for you! I wish I had told her exactly how I felt and how hurt and confused she made me when I had the chance…instead, I remained cordial and polite and when she started texting me again, I responded to her thinking that at some point she would start to call me and we would be able to talk about what happened..but now I feel like I missed the last chance I had.. It has been 3 months since we have had contact and at this point, I would feel foolish to call her and ask why she would think its ok to text me every few days for 2 months to chat and check in, but when it came to me telling her to actually pick up a phone, she stopped ALL communication…what happened???..Also, I would never want her to think she has that much power over me 3 months later…

  • #8812 Reply

    Anonymous

    I never said you were a bad person. That is something you read in to my post.

    I also noted in my first post you are most welcome to make your own choices in life, including not remaining her friend anymore.

    Of course her feelings are not your responsibility, I did not suggest that they were.

    At the same time, though, I find it distasteful when people feel they have a right to totally disregard the impact their tough words or tough attitudes have on other people, or who feel they have a right to bull doze over other people’s feelings.

    You seem to lack compassion and sympathy for this friend who appears to have mental health problems and were quick to judge her, and that was what I found troubling.

    You expressed disgust and annoyance at her lifestyle, which is your right, but don’t be surprised when you behave that way or give off those vibes, that other people may not want to be friends with you.

    I know I would not appreciate getting a call from someone telling me they’re a friend, but they proceed to run off a litany of complaints about me and how I live my life.

    It’s okay to be direct with people, but you’d get better results if you tone down the disgust, judgment, and hostility when being direct. You can catch more flies with honey than you can with vinegar. :)

  • #8813 Reply

    Anonymous

    sorry about the double post. I didn’t do that on purpose.

  • #8814 Reply

    WonderWhy
    Participant

    I totally agree with you Liz. I think that’s great advice too!

  • #8815 Reply

    WonderWhy
    Participant

    I agree with you that I disregarded her feelings with my tough words. But hoarders are very passive-aggressive, self-centered people in my own experience. Her lack of respect towards me in our friendship, her refusal to seek help for an obvious problem that involves the city (!) doesn’t deserve my compassion or sympathy. Someone who has a problem but refuses to seek help for it deserves pity more than sympathy and compassion. I agree that expressing negative vibes keeps people at bay but in her case, I had no interest in maintaining my friendship with her. Regarding your honey/vinegar analogy; only vinegar works with people like my former friend. Honey (empathy, compassion) had no impact on how she disregarded my feelings during our friendship; chronically being late 30 to 45 minutes is not acceptable, nor is it acceptable to shirk off responsibility in life which she does.

  • #8816 Reply

    WonderWhy
    Participant

    And just to clarify, your post is incorrect. I didn’t call her. She called me asking me to help her and a mutual friend out, and this was after months of not hearing from her. It was quite rude for her to call me up out of the blue asking me for a favor. So I took that opportunity to tell her that I couldn’t be friends with her anymore, based on what I already posted repeatedly about. I think I was quite right to stick up for myself with someone who refuses to seek help for a serious problem, who disregards the fact that it’s really disrespectful to be chronically late, who is unreliable in every way because that infringes upon my time and is extremely emotionally draining. Also, she always called me up daily to ask me to make her decisions for her; about everything from relationship advice, friendship advice, etc. this on a DAILY basis. Even when I would tell her, “You have to make your own decisions” she would get mad at me and give me the silent treatment. Once I invited her to go to a play with me at the theater, she was so late she missed the first 30 minutes of the play. Why? Because she was at home feeding her cats and obsessing over her cluttered home. Then when she eventually showed up to the theater and got her seat next to mine, she proceeded to fall asleep for the remainder of the play and smelled like cat urine. I can’t be friends with someone who lives like that. You call me hostile in your post but I think you’re missing the whole picture which I have tried to paint via my responses to no avail. I’m not an aggressive, negative person. I have standards for healthy friendships like most people and this woman I’m formally friends with didn’t meet those standards. Friendship is a two-way street and takes equal amounts of investment from both people involved. Being friends with someone who hoards objects, animals is difficult. At one point she had 15 cats in her home and when I went over there once, I had to go to the ER afterward to get benedryl and prednisone because the overpowering smell of cat urine, cat feces and garbage everywhere gave me an allergic reaction. I had to dry clean my clothes after that as well. Until you’ve been in a friendship with someone who lets their lives just fall apart like that, you have no right to judge me. Hoarders have no regard for themselves or others. Yes it’s a mental illness and those people need help. I have no idea how my former friend has even kept her job that she’s been late to everyday for the past 5 years, whose cubicle is so riddled with piles of files and garbage no one in her office goes near her work area.

  • #8818 Reply

    Liz
    Participant

    Thanks WonderWhy, and I have a question/comment about the mutual friends for you & everyone else reading! It seems to me that I’m always the one that is on the receiving end of the “I don’t want to get involved” mutual friends. I don’t ask them to choose my side, but over the years & the various situations, it is always the other friend that seems to be picked to protect over me. It doesn’t matter what has happened, what they did, or didn’t do, once they decide to not be my friend – others quickly go to their defense. How come it is ok for me to not be invited, yet if I were to do the same – these “mutual” friends would feel badly & ask if the other person would be hurt? But it is ok that I hear about plans without me? Somewhere in their hearts they have really made the choice in the friendship & chose the other friend over me. When I’m in the position to choose/protect/not get involved I make sure that I’m not excluding either one. I don’t bring up plans that didn’t include both. I think that these mutual friends must understand what they are doing on some level.
    Liz

  • #8819 Reply

    Kloe
    Participant

    Well one mutual friend is very close to me and said she didn’t want to choose sides. She could appreciate my hurt and thought that the other friend should have behaved better and talked to me. She also said that it was hard for her but respected my not wanting to know details about former friend and vice versa. so essentially she meets us separately from now on and I guess not discussing either one with the other!

    I get her pov but I feel like it’s obvious that I’ve been wronged and wished she would have leaped to my defines rather than I’m not getting involved.

    Exactly- if that happened to two of my close friends I would speak my mind and try and help and reason with the ‘mean one’ of course you can’t make friends do anything they don’t want- but I would make my point. I probably not lose them as a friend but can’t imagine I would think they are wonderful if they could treat a friend like that.

    It does annoy me yes- I feel betrayed. To be fair she hadn’t told me shed seen the former friend. I just happened to see the gift so then she admitted yes shed seen her and no more was said.

    I feel bad all around- don’t know who to depend on . Who gets how I feel…

  • #8821 Reply

    Anonymous

    Hi Lacole this is Kathy….
    I don’t think 3 months is really all that long and I still think you can pick up the phone and tell her how you feel. I emailed my friend after 16 years and we did talk and find out the friendship is over but wished each other well. Our friendship I think could of been fixed had it not been for her own family life. If I had any thing I would of changed it would of been to talk to her sooner than waiting all this time. I did try and reach out she just didn’t want to for whatever reason. Even if it meant seeing her in person and not liking what she had to say. I think you have to figure out whether the friendship is all that important to you and if you can handle her flaws. If you can I say reach out so you can have peace of mind. If you really didn’t like her behavior and you never talked to her about it then she didn’t have a chance to change it. I feel from what you have said about what happened between the two of you. She wanted to only text and you wanted more human contact as in hearing her over the phone…I really see nothing wrong with that, but for some reason she didn’t care enough to try and meet you half way. People sometimes need a break from one another and maybe that is all that is going on. As for power there are people who love to have all the power but in reality she can’t have power if you aren’t allowing it. From what you have said on previous post you left things on good terms as in if she chooses to call sometime for her to do so. I am learning that people behavior usually have nothing to do with us and more to do with what is going on with them. I think you have been doing the right thing by taking a step back to allow her some time to grow up in my opinion. She could of told you the friendship is over or how she feels about what is going on. That’s the hard part you have no idea what is going on with her….but sometimes the silence tells it all and they are just not able to take responsibility for there actions……

  • #8822 Reply

    WonderWhy
    Participant

    Hi Lacole. Thanks! Why do you see it as being weak to seek closure 3 months later with your friend? You have a right to tell her how her behavior made you feel, 3 months or 3 years after-the-fact. Maybe that’s dysfunctional but it’s what I believe. Clearly you are still hurting from your friendship loss with this woman 3 months later. It may stir all the feelings up again if you were to call or email her, but wouldn’t you rather do that then continue to carry around the pain you feel about it? Her power over you is the fear you feel right now about moving forward because you haven’t got the closure you want.

  • #8922 Reply

    Anonymous

    Pity is kind of the same thing as compassion.

    From what I’m seeing, you don’t have pity for her, but contempt and scorn. If you were like that while you were friends with her, she probably noticed it.

    This woman may have done you wrong, but you sound like you are very judgmental towards her, not willing to give an inch. I do hand it to you that you did admit you can see that your tough words may have hurt her feelings.

    I don’t view chronic lateness as being a deal breaker in a friendship. I would not take it as an insult or personal affront if a friend kept showing up late. The only thing I would think is that the person has a time management problem.

    You can sometimes get around it by telling a chronically late person to show up at 2:00 for a 3:30 appointment.

    You said, “nor is it acceptable to shirk off responsibility in life which she does.”

    You’re entitled to your views, but I don’t think it’s totally your place to judge her for how she lives her life, or, at the time, to phone her and berate her for how she was living her life. You would probably not enjoy getting lectured like that by a friend.

    You said,”her refusal to seek help for an obvious problem that involves the city”

    Like I said before, constantly judging or berating someone with her kind of problems isn’t going to change her.

    It’s like the husband who tries to shame his overweight wife into losing weight, which only makes her feel angry, so she eats another piece of cake and gains even more weight.

    People like your friend with the hoarding and lateness problem is kind of like that. She has a sickness and needs help, and she won’t change unless she decides to do it.

    Nagging or shaming people like that won’t help things. Using vinegar on her did not work.

  • #9069 Reply

    Anonymous

    In a falling out with one of my high school friends, all my mutual friends worked around it and said nothing, and I felt like I had no support. Since by this time college had come and gone and we were living all over the country, I rarely heard from most of them and wondered if they were also ditching me.

    Finally, an event occurred which gave me the opportunity to clear the air with everyone, and I learned that the mutual friends who “didn’t have my back” really had just taken the stance that we are all adults and it’s really not up to them to get in the middle of bilateral friendships (or lack thereof) within the larger group.

    While it hurt at the time, I can see the value in that approach, and I realize if I had brought it up to people earlier, it would have been addressed earlier, but I didn’t seek the support I wanted because I didn’t want to force people to choose sides between what I saw as two people whose lives had diverged but who were not inherently bad/selfish/etc. Just another perspective on the non-involvement of mutual friends.

  • #9087 Reply

    Anonymous

    Thanks for responding..I have had problems with my laptop and Im just trying to catch up with all the new posts and blogs…I miss this sight when I cant check it daily!!….anyway…funny thing, my ex-bff did reach out to me last week, as it was my sons b-day and she was calling to see when he would be around to wish him a good day and hoped I was doing good, but the way she did it was strange…she left me a message on my cell phone, but did so the “back door” way…where you can leave a message without actually calling the persons phone number…you call into your own voice mail and it gives you an option to leave a message on another phone…so she leaves me a message, but never actually called me…not sure if she was afraid I would answer or she just didnt want to try…then she sent me a text wishing my son a happy b-day…Now, she could have just called him herself without either leaving me a message or texting me …in the end, she did call him at my house and talked to him. BUT…she called him from her work…the one place she told me months ago that she was unable to ever call me from…it was her excuse as to why she would always text me instead of calling…it all just makes me question whether what she told me months ago were just excuses and lies to avoid talking to me??…I did call her later in the day and left a message…I made a point to sound upbeat, positive and happy…told her everything was great and hoped she was doing great too…I didnt want her to think for even one second that the whole situation still gets to me at times…she is a total control person and would love the thought of me still being upset over the loss…Wonderwhy…if she was the kind of person who was open to talk and hear things out, I would have called at some point and expressed my feelings…but she just cant digest what Im saying…she has ALWAYS turned things around, deflects things back on me and tells my Im starting problems or looking for drama and never really cares what I have to say. It isnt worth putting myself through that again….I just dont get it all anymore…why call me at all?? why leave me a message?? and why in such a passive/aggressive manner?? ..

  • #9088 Reply

    lacole
    Participant

    Kathy and Wonderwhy..below message was from me. I hadnt logged in correctly to show my name…

  • #9091 Reply

    Anonymous

    Hi Lacole~

    I have know idea how your friend ticks but I would say she has issues. I think she left you a message to see if you would respond in any way. She might have noticed that you have changed and you aren’t going out of your way to get the friendship back on track. I can understand you not calling her or going to see her if she is an expert as twisting your words and is just flat difficult to deal with when there is a conflict. As I’ve said before your not the same person and your know longer her doormat and she probably can feel that. Your friendship isn’t the same anymore because you are not going to let her have the upper hand….I would just sit back and watch how she is going to handle thing from here on out. She did care enough to call and she didn’t ask for any favor, so I do think she does care in her own way. I would have the attitude ” It is what it is” who knows why she acts the way she does. You just aren’t going to let her run your show anymore!!

  • #9092 Reply

    lacole
    Participant

    Hi anonymous….thanks for your words and your past posts….the advice and reassurance are truly helpful…I laughed when I read your first comment about her having issues….so true!!…I wasnt sure about responding or not, but she was kind enough to think of my son and didnt want her to think that that didnt matter, whether her gesture was sincere or not..who knows…the passive aggressive feel to how she operates is so crazy! You are correct about her possibly interpreting how I feel about the friendship…historically, I have always been the one to reach out in some way first, apologize, etc…but, I also wanted her to know I was doing great and moving on, with or without her, and me replying back to her was the opportunity to do just that…Im sure she would have taken great pleasure in knowing I was sitting at home stewing about the whole situation…feeling sad that she was gone…me leaving her a message at least gave her the interpretation that that is not what was happening at all…

  • #9100 Reply

    Anonymous

    Lacole this is Kathy I was anonymous on the last post….I will be glad when they get this posting thing fixed. Sounds like things are going good for you!!:)

  • #9113 Reply

    lacole
    Participant

    Hi Kathy….thanks..Im trying. Good days and bad. I never thought I would have a friendship that impacted my life to this degree….I still have many questions that Im sure will remain unanswered, at least for now. I wish I had more good friends and a husband that was more supportive, but it is what it is!! I need to stay strong and do my best everyday…for me!

  • #9342 Reply

    Anonymous

    I am 63, and don’t really have a job. I am doing care giving in people’s homes and can’t make enough to pay my health care of 850 a month. I was a teacher and then became an RN in 1995. I was an old student. Six years ago I had a DUI and never expected that to take my license away. Here in PA they want you without a drink, go to three AA meetings a week, and meet with other nurses at least once a month and submit to urine screens, whenever. I can’t pay for this anymore. I am not a drunk and do not take drugs. I am wondering because I am so miserable that I lost friends? I don’t know! I have always been the supportive one when a person needs help. I used to laugh, but no more.
    I’d like to find a guy to hang with, I am alone, except for my daughter, newly married and has her own life. I don’t get why people dropped me when I haven’t even told them of my problem. God, I hate to be alone!! I’d rather be hit by a truck, but donate all of my organs first, if that could be arranged.
    Susan

  • #9343 Reply

    Anonymous

    This really hurts!!! It’s not only her, others have dropped me too and I just don’t know why!!
    Susan

  • #9346 Reply

    Irene Levine
    Keymaster

    HI Susan,

    I’m concerned about your post. If you feel so desperate that you would rather be hit by a truck, it’s really important that you speak to a mental health professional. You may be depressed—and some support may help you resolve some of your practical problems as well as see them from a different perspective. When people are feeling depressed, it’s especially hard to bond with other people, or to make or keep friendships. I think it’s important enough for you to speak to your daughter and see if she can help you get on the right track.

    My best, Irene

     

  • #9466 Reply

    Kloe
    Participant

    I just re-read some points because I was having a down day…. i feel all upset today and really down and keep reminding myself that im a wonderful person! lol

    I hate hate that they are all continuing with their lives like i didnt exsist. its erally hard isnt it. Like you dont matter to people. Poo- how depressing. I guess at times like these you need to focus on these horrible friends bad points. im trying that today. trying to remind myself that im better off without her.

    do you live in the states lacole? shame- i wish someone lived near me in uk??

  • #9471 Reply

    lacole
    Participant

    Hi Kloe…I understand EXACTLY how youare feeling…as my ex-bff has completely cut me off and Im only assuming living her life wonderfully with out me. But I have done this to her as well…no more contact…I would certainly say hello to her or talk if she ever called, but I wont initiate it. I had tried in the past and there was very little “true’ effort from her part, so for my own well being and to save myself any more heart-ache, I needed to just stop. She may be thinking the same for me too…that I have moved on and living just fine without her…I am trying, only what other choice do we all have??

  • #9472 Reply

    Kloe
    Participant

    My ex is maddeningly glorious in her life which is hard learning through the grapevine. Its even more annoying that her husband who i thought was a friend is all gung ho about me being out of their lives. i really really dont understand what i could have possibly have done. people are sooo mean- weep weep. i can sort of laugh about it but it really hurts. down days are bad. mutual friends are hard too- i kinda want to be a hermit and hide but obviously im a grown up and at work and have a family. i really thought i would be past all this nonsense but it makes me feel so vulnerable and alone and silly.

    sooo do you live in USA?? does anyone live in uk??? id love someone near me i can whinge at….. :o) theres no way we can do private email on this huh??

  • #9473 Reply

    lacole
    Participant

    I do line in the US…and yes, I have those bad days too…want to be a hermit and just go away for awhile…but in the end, living and staying busy have been the best for me…why let this ex friend take away one more bad day for me!

  • #9574 Reply

    Anonymous

    My BFF ended our friendship so abruptly, too – I never saw it coming. It’s been two years, and you think that at some point it would stop hurting so much, but it doesn’t. It’s a constant nagging pain triggered by too many happy memories.

    Like someone else posted here, I too feel like a hermit – afraid to make new friends, afraid to get close to people in fear of them leaving me like that again. It really sucks. Mostly I have good days, but every now then I can get really down and sad about what happened. I’m trying to see the positive in this experience and believe that everything happens for a reason. “Getting over it” is so much easier said than done, but I’m working on it!

    Also, I just wanted to say thanks to everyone who has posted here – knowing that I’m not alone in experience this is so helpful. Thanks for sharing your own experiences to help others!

  • #9754 Reply

    Peppercat
    Participant

    While I have established a successful run as a food and travel writer, it seems like every few years, the person I allow myself to get closest to not only stabs me in the back, but also goes out on a hate campaign to turn our mutual friends against me. I have survived periods of months alone, and I have used it to develop new hobbies, catch up on reading and do yoga. Sometimes it is the healthiest thing in the world to distance yourself from alpha-friends and groups who never valued you to begin with. When you learn to enjoy your own company, you clean the slate and open yourself up to new people.

    I am old enough to know when the end of the friendship is near, even if it is over several months and I always want to believe it is a passing phase and things will return to normal. When my BFF “Leyla” of ten years wanted to get rid of me, I started deliberately spending less time with her, and when her behavior got really inexcusable (lots of NASTY personal stuff in her life, and she increasingly felt she could treat me like a retard and get away with it because I have a disability that has affected my ability to find the perfect Job and Mr. Right).

    I took matters into my own hands and ended it–now she’s gotten nasty and vindictive because I made the first move–this is a no win situation so all you can do is cut your loses, and not blame yourself for other people’s insanity. Those who stay with you are the ones who are your friends unconditionally. Nobody else is worth knowing about, and you may find hindsight is 20/20 and this so called friend and her husband were more toxic than you realized.

    Elyse

    Peppercat
    Los Angeles, CA

  • #9756 Reply

    WonderWhy
    Participant

    Well said Peppercat! What you wrote is very empowering and so very true.

  • #12898 Reply

    Anonymous

    I had a female friend for around two years who would cut herself off on and off from me and leave me feeling hurt and upset and feeling like I could not trust her. Its hard for me anyways as I dont really get on with other woman that well so when she finely cut me out completely, I said sod it ill make new friends. I made a new friend this time male and we got very close, he became like a brother to me and I like a sister to him, so 8 months later after he would call me or text me with his troubles he suddenly stated to act odd with me, I had text saying I was acting like a gf… I was shocked… he said he needed space this was not what he was used to, yet my other male friends all like it that I care about them or am concerned for them if they have problems! He told me his family think that he is a having an relationship with me (Im happily married and my husband knows most of my friends are guys and has no issues mostly). I am left once again upset and confused. Mainly cos my friend has behaved like a woman lol but also how he has mis judged or misunderstood my friendship, I dont no why? He will text me if its work related only now, as we work together , but thats it! Very sad Iv lost a best buddy!

  • #12904 Reply

    Anonymous

    Being a friend one day and non existent the next is indeed a bitter pill to swallow. We can have many reasons of why we end friendships but those who have never tried to talk it through- and YES there are many cowards out there- that at the first sight if an uncomfortable discussion would rather run than confront. It’s unbelievably disgusting and appalling to end years of friendship with complete silence. It does make you wonder why they were your friend in the first place. If they think so little of you. That rather than say hey you upset me they would just cut you out if their life. It’s horrible. You have my sympathies.

    I cut one friend from my life but we both had had several issues that we discussed so it want a surprise when a year went by and neither of us had talked.

    But when it’s out if the blue- that is very very hurtful

  • #12911 Reply

    Clara sue
    Participant

    Snap- why do people want to hurt others so bad??? I really really don’t understand it. What causes them to act like that? We’re they faking being nice all that time before?????? What did you do?

  • #12926 Reply

    Kloe
    Participant

    Lol nothing I could do. I carried the hurt and anger about. I tried to talk it out and move on. Now I don’t think about her everyday if at all for some days. I confess, I get a burst of anger now and then about her preening about in her perfect life but hey that’s natural. I guess that will pass too. The only way is time- and occupy yourself with others. It’s very very difficult to not let it cloud your other friendships but you have to try and move past it. It isn’t fair to let her horrible behaviour dictate your life

  • #12968 Reply

    Anonymous

    Having been friend dumped with not a single word was very difficult. Granted we had grown apart, but it was still shocking. Having recently dumped a toxic friend, I see another side. The friend I dumped… well…was extremely possesive and jealous whenever I went out with other friends, but she could go out with people all the time. She was so very insecure and I think that played into it a lot. After dealing with very frequent arguments over text for the past few years and walking on eggshells to not upset her when I would do something without her, I finally ended it. It wasn’t silent though. I chose not to say “you’re a psycho and insecure and a bully for telling me who I can and can’t be friends with, and btw, your kids aren’t good for mine either”. She would never in a hundred million years see it that way. Others, many others, have called her out on this behavior before, and EVERY time she would come to me as the victim being “attacked”. Never once considered that maybe she truly did need to change her behaviors. So what would the point have been? So I told her I needed space and that we’d grown apart (both true). It wasn’t silent and wasn’t harsh. However, she keeps pushing. Won’t leave me alone. Doesn’t understand. (again, why would she, because she refuses to do any soul searching as to what she may have done to lead to this)… I acknowledge my part. I didn’t set appropriate boundaries. Lesson learned. But it makes me look back on the friend that dumped me. I can see in retrospect how that friendship had fizzled. I get it. I still would have liked at least a goodbye, but I get it now. But it took me many years and my own experience in letting someone go to get to that place.

  • #12978 Reply

    Anonymous

    I hope you are feeling better and hope you meet someone nice as you sound like an honest up front caring person. It is very hard when you have been the supportive one then when you need the support it is not there from those you have spent time supporting. All the best and please let us know how you are doing there is always something good around the corner just when you least expect it.

  • #13026 Reply

    Anonymous

    5 months ago I cut a long term friend out of my life and I have no regrets. She had her good qualities but the hoarding, insane self centeredness, the huge ego that bordered on narcisism and thatshe was extremely passive aggressive. There were too many times that she wasn’t there for me but got very offended over mundane things. The last yime I tried to talk with her about what had been bothering me it turned in to her screaming at me irrationally and crying and blaming me. That was the last straw. Good riddance. I have been working on establishing healthy boundaries in my relationships and have never felt better. I am living MY journey and I don’t owe anyone anything. I have no apologies and the friends and family I have in my life are there because thy appreciate who I am as much as I appreciate who they are. Live life for your happiness and do your best by people but nobody is required to carry on in a friendship with a toxic person.

  • #13027 Reply

    Anonymous

    Also, some people have serious issues with being honest with themselves. It is highly unlikely that people are shut out of a former friends life for no reason at all. If this has happened to you perhaps you need to take some time to do some self evaluation and soul searching- but do it to better your life, not to get your friend back. Odds are that will not happen. Peace and love to you on your journey :)

  • #13028 Reply

    Anonymous

    Nicely put WonderWhy!!!!!!!!

  • #13033 Reply

    Anonymous

    I agree there must have been a reason, for her and her husband to cut you out so completely, one that you have
    not understood. To put it to rest why not ask your friends if they could inform you of the reason, then let it go and move on if you have lots of other friends, you can not be everyones
    darling, learn to love yourself.

  • #13034 Reply

    pastel01
    Participant

    Kloe has said that she has no idea why her friend cut her off and the friend and her husband must know this from reading her letter. Sometimes things are said/done unintentionally and I believe she had the right to know – especially if the mutual friends know and she hasn’t a clue.

  • #13035 Reply

    Anonymous

    I could never use the excuse that my friends house was a mess to
    break the friendship. A friend in need is a friend indeed, thats when true friends stick together,warts and all.

  • #15054 Reply

    Anonymous

    agree- not knowing why youre dumped is horrible

  • #15057 Reply

    Anonymous

    Your friend reminds me of the mother I watched Dr Phil (on you tube) called Me Me Me – selfish people – about how a mother is in denial about how she treated her daughters as they grew up. This mother did harsh things yet her denial was what was scary and how she did not own up to what she did and acted like she was being attacked when the daughters just wanted her to acknowlege her behaviour – you might find this episode interesting as well. For me it gave me chills because it reminded me of my bff for twenty years and also my father – both could do hurtful things and yet would not acknowlege what they did, and deflect it like the incident didn’t happen, just like the mother in the video.

  • #15212 Reply

    Anonymous

    I had a “friend” like that. She always thought i was the sensitive one and excluded me. She has now stolen all my other friends and left me hanging. I am confused and I really dont need this rite now. Im gunna show her that she’s not hurting me. I think its because of my physical appearance. She cuts me off. Its sad. Im moving on. Maby ill even start bullying her. No i wont, im just really angry and upset >:/

  • #15876 Reply

    Anonymous

    Dear anonymous…thank you so much for writing what you wrote about ‘being a friend one day and non existent the next…’ I was beginning to think that how I have been recently treated was acceptable behaviour in other people’s eyes.

    I have been brutally cut out of a friend’s life after 17 years of friendship. We had a disagreement during a tough time in her life when her dog died. However, she treated me very unfairly and really hurt my feelings, and used being upset about her dead dog as a reason for her behaviour. She used her husband to deliver messages and when I tried to email her she was bitter and horrible to me. I have never been given an opportunity to talk it out with her. She just avoids it. One of those cowards you mentioned. The fact is that when it was happening, I was never angry with her. I just wanted to share with her why I felt so hurt. When I tried to express my feelings I was called selfish and told my behaviour was absolutely disgusting. Her dead dog seemed to exonerate her from all wrong doing. She would not acknowledge her own hurtful behaviour. She then blocked me on Facebook. I wrote to her and said that we may need to agree to disagree, but I wanted her to know that her friendship meant more to me than the argument and I wouldn’t give up on her friendship so easily. I even sent a photo of us together. She totally ignored the email and has washed me from her life. I can’t believe I have given her so much of my time over these years (and I was always the one who was nursing her problems as well), and now she dismisses me like I never existed. I feel so hurt, angry and frustrated. Every day since it’s happened I try not to cry or get angry, there are days when the anger swells up inside me. I’m trying to let go, but when you’ve been treated so unfairly, it leaves a knot in your stomach that makes you feel sick. How can I make this go away?

  • #15916 Reply

    Scorpionwoman
    Participant

    Thank you! I am currently dealing with the end of a 17 year friendship in which we never got the chance to end or repair it. Any effort I made was either ignored or given a half-assed response. Even now I want to reach out again but there is no use, as he will likely ignore it like he has everything else.

  • #16034 Reply

    assortedcolors
    Participant

    With these kinds of situations I think the best wayy for u to speak ur mind and also let ur friendd speak her mind without anyone walking away and twisting words around is to suggest aan open meeting. Its always really messy when mutual friends are involve. What I mean by open meeting is u and her discuss ur feelings and clarify events that may have been misunderstood therefor causing hurt to one or both of yous, while some of ur mutual friends are there listening. That way ur mutual friends can hear both ur sides at the same time and at the end of the discussion u nor ur friend can’t talk to other people saying different things cuz ur mutual friends would act as witnessess to the actual events.

    I was in a situation where I didn’t trust my childhood friend anymore. She caused me so much pain and so much drama that I started not trusting her. She was one of those people who caused the drama and everyone who she’s been in contact with knows this. I don’t understand why she has friends sometimes cuz she talks about everyone behind their back. Many people have been hurt by her but they still decide to keep her in their lives. As for me after trying so hard to fix our friendhsip, I decided to give up. When I would approach her or reach out she just caused so much drama saying I’m a shady bitch cuz I didn’t hang out with her for a month (cuz I was in the process of moving) I found out i was the topic at her bday party and some mutual friends told me the things she said wasn’t nice. Our mutual friends know how she is and how she lies so say they don’t take what she says seriously. But I hate knowing someone is bashing me. And one other thing, the things she says are made up and exaggerated. Like the shady bitch for not hanging out with her while I was trying to move. Another example is when a whole bunch of us went camping, everyone was piss drunk and she went on with this rumour of how annoying and a bitch I was for 6 months cuz I was trying to get the attention of my bf who was also piss drunk. It was ridiculous cuz for a year after that camping trip she was still talking about me even the fact that I haven’t said a thing to her for a year. Her best friend (allie) talked to my bf crying cuz of how this ex friend of mine acts towards her. My ex friend purposely humiliates allie in front of large groups of friends and my ex friend targets her. Allie confronted my ex friend but my ex friend said she has done nothing wrong. As for me after hearing her little rumours about me my bf posted a general comment about backstabbers on fb. She was the first to react to it. My bf didn’t even name any names just a get general friendship quote. That quote made her realize that her rumours got to back to me and she confronted our mutual friends telling them they’ve made a big mess and asking what they’ve said to me. She was guilty but didn’t admit to it. She txted me saying if I wanted to talk to her I could email her. I told her If she wanted to talk I was willing to talk but only in person with some of our mutual friends so when we walk away she can’t lie about what was said. She never contacted me since. At that point I couldn’t care less about her. And hearing people now and then talk about the drama she’s causing for other people Makes me relieved knowing I no longer associate with such a mnipulative friend. But it makes me sad that mutual friends of ours still hang out with her once in a while knowing she’s the way she is. But for me, I’m not a perfect person but I deserve to have good friends who define friendship the same as me and if misunderstandings happen, they are willing to talk about it for the sake of the friendship. That’s what everyone needs to find, friendship that are positive cuz what’s the point of having friends if they’re just going to make u miserable and belittle you. Its hard to move on and to get over it but ask urself, is this the kind of friendship u want?

    Sorry long rant :)

  • #16492 Reply

    Anonymous

    Thank you SO much for your comment here – your comment that it is “disgusting and appalling to end years of friendship with complete silence” gives me great comfort in its own way as it happened to me. It’s an unbelievably cruel thing to do to someone. I had a “friend” of 20 years do this to me in late 2004 when I stood up for myself. She never gave a reason, she just never contacted me again. I still grieve for what I thought was my closest and dearest female friend. The hardest part to accept is that no true friend would have ever done this (ooh, that’s a bit spooky, just as I was typing that last sentence, a cup full of pens moved on my desk ! – maybe that’s my late Mum telling me to not be so harsh on my ex friend – my friend and I WERE soul mates, best mates for many many years and I still miss her to bits . We had a lot of drama in both our lives ten years ago and maybe it was just all too much for her and she wanted to walk away and start fresh…) anyway, if any of you reading this want or need to end a friendship, PLEASE tell your soon to be ex friend the reason why… even if it’s terribly painful, it’s not as painful as the person never speaking to again – that’s like a knife through the heart ;-(

  • #17648 Reply

    Anonymous

    well. the only reason i found your post is because, i did the same thing your friend did to you, i deleted 2 of my friends from my life, and i havent responded to their emails. and i was looking on the net to see how you guys feel about it, since you dont get any response. from the friends that block you, i deleted my friends because im personally not happy right now, with my life, i like to be alone, and not have to go out with people, i easily get tired of friends, and if i dont like something about them i delete them, so my point is, i dont feel bad for deleting them and i will miss them for a while lol but then ill get over it, i do feel bad for them, but i dont want to respond to their messages, and its all on me, its not them, im the one with the issues lol. so if i were u i wouldny feel like i did something wrong.

    • #139984 Reply

      Love

      This is a response to: I get tired of friends and cut them off.

      This is why you should never take it personally if someone cuts you off. People have emotional issues you know nothing about. I had a friend she had allot of emotional issues–I was grateful when the friendship ended.

      My three female friends had one major thing in common. They didn’t have other friends… they did everything with my friends. OK. I picked the wrong friends.

      When one door closes… rejoice for a better door to open. Same when dating men… you may have bit the bullet.

      Smiling, Love-

  • #17650 Reply

    Anonymous

    HI ME,
    It sounds like you just do what you want to do without considering the feelings of your friends. If they havent’ done anything so bad to deserve to be dumped it is wrong to just delete them without saying anything. You sound depressed, but nevertheless you could at leasst explain to these people why you’re doing what you do.

  • #17653 Reply

    Anonymous

    Wow! I think you did a brave thing. I have been through almost the same things as you have. except my ex- friend even got in trouble with the law because of the lying. That is when the dirth started coming to the surface. She hid it from me, saying she went away to spent time with her family for 2 months and a whole lot of lies. A couple of months later I found out and cut her out of my life, no explanation! She did try to contact me, but I never responded.

  • #17654 Reply

    Anonymous

    What an absolutely horrible post! Lol? You actually laughed at someone’s pain? Friends like you people obviously are better off without you in their lives. Anyone decent who actually had feelings will mourn a good friendship- the loss is very painful for those of us who care.

    If a person cares so little for others, why would you befriend them in the first place.

  • #17660 Reply

    Anonymous

    Khloe,

    The only thing I can suggest is ask your friend why she cut you off. Maybe you offended her in some way that you don’t know? If so, apologize and try to move forward. If she doesn’t respond, or she explains something to you that doesn’t sound reasonable, well at least you tried.

    But I would not dwell on your mutual friends still seeing her. The problem is between you and your friend, not your mutual friends. Don’t involve them in this, or they will come to resent you. It’s hard to do, but it is the best move.

  • #17671 Reply

    Anonymous

    Spend all of your energy making new friends and meeting new people. Not a single drop of your energy should go that way. Don’t worry about it, it will all turn out fine.

  • #17672 Reply

    Anonymous

    We have mutual friends as well and some knew about it and never told me although I was really concerned for her. I decided to let them go. I have no hard feelings against the other friends, but I cannot do this. Time for our ways to part. Within a few months after she got her hooks into the others, her behavior towards me changed. I found out that soem knew and I decided not ask for an explanation, if every one just wants to act as if nothing happened than fine. Afterwards it hid me that she wanted my life all this time. My bf and I have a good life (in her eyes) and she wanted to hook up with one of his friends to have everything I have. After a good conversation with my mom, I decided to leave it all for her. If that is what she wants, she may have all of it. My bf and i have moved on.

  • #125706 Reply

    Lauren

    Hi,Try to stay positive and hopeful. Not all friendships are meant to be. This is just one of those friendships. Maybe you will never know why. If you truly know that you never insulted her , let her down badly, were mean to her, then just let it go . You can’t force people to like you. This one was just one friendship that was not t meant to be. It’s time to wipe your tears and move on, with a hopeful heart. Good friends will come your way. Give it time.

  • #139118 Reply

    anonymous

    It has been a while since anyone posted here so this may go unanswered. But, I myself am in a very similar situation to many of these. My “best friend” of almost 20 years cut me out of her life after we had a falling out. I apologized for my part in it and tried to mend things, but it was too late. Now 4 years have passed and I still try to reach out to her the odd time (for example sent her a wedding congrats and valentine) but like someone else said, she either ignores it or gives a half assed response. I am interested in the person (anonymous) who said “my friend cut me off after I stood up for myself.” What exactly did you mean? This is similar to what happened to me also. My ex-bff often teased and put me down. Sometimes it was funny, but other times it felt more like bullying. When I finally confronted her it was the beginning of the end of our friendship. Now I fear the same thing is happening with another friend. I told her something she did that bothered me, and now she seems to be ignoring my texts and distancing herself as well. It doesn’t matter that both these girls had no trouble letting me know when I did something that bothered them. Yet I’m supposed to just accept any kind of treatment from them and not speak up. I have a tendency to be passive and just let things go to the point where I get mad (if the behavior keeps happening) and I am losing friends over it. Unfortunately I’m not sure how to change this and it leaves me wondering if these people were true friends to begin with. They are both super popular and have tons of other friends, and I am not. I wonder if they just liked me as long as they could be in control of things. It seems they have a double standard of thinking they can act however they want and it’s fine, and I should just go along with it, and if I say something against it I’m a jerk.

  • #139233 Reply

    Lauren

    Hi Anonymous March 8, 2014,
    Anyone who teases you meanly and puts you down is not your friend. She is acting in a hostile aggressive manner towards you. Yes, this is mean and controlling, but really , your don’t need this and you should not put up with it.

    This isn’t friendship…it is controlling , toxic behavior.

    Let go of the toxic people in your life. They are damaging to yourself-esteem. You have to look after your own emotional health.

    Be yourself, and you will be open to finding new friends who will value you as a good person. Don’t tolerate anyone who puts you down. In the meantime, appreciate being your own best friend.
    Good luck and good fortune to you.
    Lauren

  • #139568 Reply

    anonymous

    Thank you Lauren for your feedback. I appreciate the encouragement. I think one of the hardest parts with this friend is that although she could be mean sometimes, she was also a good friend in a lot of ways (ie. helped me do several things when I needed her) and we had a lot of fun together. I took the good with the bad for a long time, but it became too much when she really started bragging about how great her own life was. I felt like she was trying to put herself in a higher position and keep me down below her. Anyway, you are right that I must move on from that situation. As for my other friend, I think we are back on track now. I just have to make my wishes known and stand my ground with her, instead of letting her control things all the time. Thanks again!

  • #139638 Reply

    Lauren

    You are welcome! It sounds like you are right on track as to being strong, and insightful and as to being a good friend to others, and to yourself.
    Best,
    Lauren

  • #139981 Reply

    Love

    I surround everyone on this blog with infinite love. Here is a bit of wisdom from someone a bit older.

    1. You can never ever lose someone who truly loves you! The people who leave without a word, never really loved you. That’s the truth. Some people don’t know what real love and friendship is… don’t take it personally.

    2. Love is kind all the time. If someone loves you and is kind–they will respect you enough to talk to you. (Male or female.)

    3. Sometimes we befriend the wrong people. I have had two long term girlfriends cut me off.. both relationships about 10 years. When I looked at the relationship–I realized that we weren’t compatible as friends. We had different backgrounds, I had more education, different beliefs (I’m an atheist and they are Christians.) And I received more attention from men. I also realized I wasn’t able to be my authentic self. So, I learned from those relationships.

    I was choosing the wrong female friends. Now, I choose wisely. Also, no relationship is forever or guaranteed.

    Bottom line is… allow love to come in go. Enjoy the moments and surround them with love. A coward runs away… a truly respectful and healthy friend will tell you the truth. Be grateful for the experience and move on and live with an open heart.

    Love you all!

  • #141020 Reply

    Ruth

    Hi Khloe,
    I stumbled apon this post and your other one as I am going through an almost identical scenario at the moment (it started around 5 months ago). I do have some insight into why my friend felt like our friendship was no longer working, but in my opinion it was nothing that deserved the complete freezing out that followed, she has simply erased me from her life.

    I like you have struggled as we have mutual friends. As a frequent organiser my ex-friend would exclude me from arrangements as she obviously didn’t want me there and my other friends would just go along with it, not wanting to ‘get involved’. As someone that was, and is still, hurting incredibly at times, it has been hard to not see these actions as these mutual friends ‘taking sides’, not ‘having my back’ and also that their passive behaviour simply says that it is fine that I have been ditched and am being excluded and that the emotional impact it has had on me is irrelevant. I think it has definitely impacted on these mutual friendships (if mainly in my mind and the way I perceive them and fear losing them as brutally as I lost my other friend), especially in the initial months when the situation was dawning on me bit by bit. I have tried my very hardest not to blame these people, as I value them individually in many ways, and I try now to view these friendships as singular entities, although it has not been easy.

    I have found the last 5 months an incredible struggle, I have been depressed at times, questioned myself as a person, questioned and feared for my other relationships, been terrified I am a bad person, unlovable, draining, needy, faulty and I have felt incredible shame (after all, people are bound to think there is something ‘wrong’ with me, or that I did something ‘awful’ to warrant such drastic treatment). Not one day has gone by when I have not thought about it, at times dwelling on it for hours, staying awake at night or distracted from my work. I am trying to learn to love myself and forgive myself for mistakes I may have made in that friendship (I am not perfect, no, but I still feel I am a good friend, and my ex-friend was not a perfect friend either, I still would never have walked away from her), it is so hard though, and sometimes I feel as if I may never feel totally happy again.

    It really has been the ultimate rejection, someone that knew me inside out, has decided they no longer want to speak or interact with me. I have made attempts to reach out, but they have been met with polite and stand offish responses and no further effort on her behalf. I would write her a letter as you did but knowing my ex-friend I feel this might just irritate her and highlight the differences between us that probably were the catalyst for her cutting me out in the first place.

    I wondered how you are doing now? Do you feel any better? Is there light at the end of the tunnel? Or will I feel this pain, self loathing and shame at being ‘dumped’ forever?

    I would love to hear your thoughts,

    Best wishes,

    Ruth x

    • #141193 Reply

      Chana

      Ruth,
      I feel like I am mirroring the EXACT same thing you are going through. It has caused me significant anxiety and depression to the point I needed therapy. I have never been so hurt and devastated. I would wake up at 2:00am and think about it for hours. I think some women or groups of women just cannot stand on their own and think independently. They bring each other down and if they want another friend to be down on the same person, they will think of everything to convince them to go along and then the peripherals of the group go along. I am shocked how like you said someone can know you inside and out and you spend a lot of time with, just flick the switch on you.
      I will never get close to or trust anyone again.
      My husband has been affected but this as he is friends with their husbands so this causes me major guilt as well.
      I have decided to try to move on but trying to figure out how. Summer is the the difficult because it is such a social time.
      Good luck to you….I feel for you :(

  • #141036 Reply

    Clara

    Ruth,

    I really feel for you as I am reading your post. I have been in a very similar situation for a couple of years now, and it really does hurt. The hurt does ease in time, but I have yet to get to the point where it has completely gone away. Please don’t be so hard on yourself. People can be incredibly mean or insensitive in how they treat others, sometimes without even realizing what they are doing. It doesn’t mean that you are a bad person. I would stop trying to reach out to this friend and focus for now on building relationships with other friends outside of your mutual friendship circle. Try reading Irene’s book and others on friendship loss, and you will find that this type of situation happens more often than you realize.

  • #141064 Reply

    Lauren

    Hi Kloe,

    Sorry that this happened to you. I hope that you are feeling better about the situation now. Time does heal the pain.

    Remember, why make someone a priority in your life , when you are only an option in her life?

    Friendships fade and die, as not all friendships are meant to last forever. It’s sad, but the upside is that it’s a learning process and now you can have more room in your life for new friends.

    All the best to you.

  • #141191 Reply

    yourmothersir

    The same exact thing happened to may after high school… I remember how gut wrenching it was. On top of that someone very close to me had just died. I just remember not seeing Sophie on instant messenger like usual. I called, no one answered. I finally made another aim account and discovered i had been blocked. When I think about it now, I was really really pathetic. I kept trying to talk to her, trying to be her friend. It crushed me… I also lost another very close friend, Angela, around the same time. I really had lost everyone I thought I could trust… and honestly I just sunk into low self esteem and depression…. I pursued a hallow, dead, friendship for years. Eventually Angela and I were friends again. I remember six years after Sophie ditched me Angela had a big party. She decided to invite Sophie too. I decided to be mature and not be hostile towards Sophie. I ignored her. Eventually she approached me.. We did talk, and she friended me on facebook… However all those years wanting her back. by this point I really didn’t care… Also, during those years where i lost Sophie I realized all of the problems I had and I had become a better person… Now that I had gotten stronger by my self she wanted to swoop in and enjoy the ‘spoils of war” in a sense. Also…. I had gotten over it…. Honestly Sophie is on my friends list still… However, I have never spoken to her about what happened… But I will. I feel like I can’t let one person call the shots in a friendship, or have a friend who is only their during the good times. We may never be friends again after the discussion.. However, things would never be the same after the day she cut me off… NEVER, become obsessed with one or two friends that leave you. There are faithful people out there. I know it feels like your world is ending when you lose a friend, but you will over come this and meet true, faithful friends.

  • #141225 Reply

    Amy

    Wow so glad to finally find a website to put my problem on. Been searching forever. Anyway….

    I had had a BFF for about 2 1/2 years until about 5 months ago. Here’s the story: we met in eighth grade and we had so much fun with each other and although we had troubles we loved each other to death. So I never noticed it until 5 months ago but she had started to gain a new BFF. We had a group of 5 girls who got along great. This included the we girl. So this new friend already had a best friend. But after my best friend and thai girl started to hang out more, they would do stuff without all our group recently. Just my old best friend and this girl. I talked to the other 2 girls in my group to see if they were feeling excluded and TEY agreed. Now , I’m not a mushy gushy person so I’m not one to say awwww poor me I feel left out, because I feel like that would make them dislike me even more. So by this time I’m trying to save my best friend and my relationship. One week her new est fried went away for a week and we got to work Ina project together and we had fun, so I thought oh we haven’t lost what we had. But only to be stabbed with a post on instagram with her friend posting a pic and my BFF saying ” don’t ever leave me alone again” when I clearly spent had time with her. So I have her the benefit of the doubt and decided to see if she kept her Instagram pics of me up because she hadnt poster a pic with me and her for over 6 months. So I looked through her old pics and finally realized she had deleted them. Now I finally felt the sting. And only to go out to dinner wih a group with them both in it and when it was just is three at one point her new BFF says right in front of me, ” we need to hang out like soon!” And since I was tere. My old BFF was like “oh the group” and the girl was like “we’ll yeah I guess but i meant just me and you “. So I talked to my mom about it and she said to give her the silent testament for a week to see if she responded. I also decided not to invite her to my birthday. ) oh and she still hasn’t asked me why I won’t get I to conversations with her . I thought she would care about our relationship enough to say hey why aren’t we talking anymore? But she hasn’t. And I think she knows it’s something she did because if it was me she would make a big deal out if it like she always does when Someone has wronged her. Idk. Looking at all the old pictures makes me want to cry. I’m a string person but this is hitting me hard and she HA no idea she just thinks I’m a bitch who won’t talk to her anymore(I’m assuming?) an my other friend told me the other day i should realllly try talking to her because.she isnt mad at me. Thing is I already knew she wasn’t mad at me, BECAUSE THERE IS NITHING TO BE MAD ABOUT! I should be the mad one. And I am.

Reply To: My friend cut me out of her life abruptly – please advice
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