Welcome Box
Ask the Friendship Doctor

Just been friend dumped

This topic contains 50 replies, has 10 voices, and was last updated by  Linda 4 months, 1 week ago.

  • Author
    Posts
  • #2436 Reply

    Clara sue
    Participant

    I feel so hurt and sad and don’t know who to talk to. No one understands why I feel so hurt. My friend of ten years deleted me off Facebook and I thought it was by accident. I texted her and laughed and said oy you deleted me and she never replied back. I didn’t hear from her for a week and felt sad and rang her. It went to voicemail. I asked if something was wrong and she never ever replied back. I tried everything to contact her and she didn’t respond. I drove past her house and rang her doorbell to see if she would talk to me in case something was wrong and she was sick. No answer. Then a mutual friend told me that my friend told her to tell me to stop contacting her as she didn’t want to be friends with me anymore. I feel so upset. I don’t know what I did wrong and she won’t talk to me. I can talk to anyone about it because they all think I should let it go but how can I? She was my friend. I really cared about her. We were supposed to go out for my birthday soon and I can’t stop thinking about what I’ve done to her to make her hate me so much. What can I do now? I think about it all day and now don’t want to see anyone and talk to anyone because I’m worried that everyone hates me or something. Or they will all just dump me without a reason. What should I do? am I a horrible person and haven’t realised? But I don’t think I am. We just had a movie night at Christmas at her house and she was so nice. We’d been friends for so long and had never ever argued. I tried to think in case other people started saying stories about me or something and she thought it was true or something but no one knows why. No one has said anything bad about me or lied about me that I know of. It’s like she decided she doesn’t like me anymore and shoved me out of her life. I know on this blog there are similar stories but right now nothing helps. I’m feeling angry and hurt and can’t believe she can be so cruel. How can one friend to that to another friend?
    She never ever said I was mean or horrible or anything. We had a good time the last time I saw her- she even gave me a doggy bag of cookies that we baked!!!! She isn’t sick- her parents are fine-she is still with her boyfriend so she hasn’t been dumped or anything. She is fine so why would she just cut me off like that? I thought we were going to go on holiday this year and now I don’t know what to do. Why would someone just stop talking to someone like that? We were friends. And she is fine. She is acting like she hasn’t even noticed that she dumped me. She is on twitter all the time! Why is she so happy that she dumped me? We were good friends. I can’t put it all down how horrible I feel right now and scared that someone I liked so much could hurt me so much. There is a big difference between a boyfriend dumping you and a friend. This hurt much much more. Am I really weird????

  • #12928 Reply

    Kloe
    Participant

    Been there so badly that I truly wince for you. Sorry honey bunch but the hurt you’re just gonna have to deal with. You can’t do anything but feel and live it and hopefully let time heal you. This is too common isn’t it? I also can’t understand it? I feel like a true wally for caring and loving my ex so much . The reason they are getting on with their perfect lives is because she had already dumped you in her heart so by the time you stopped hearing from her- she had already emotionally detached herself. Let her go. Cry about it- talk to other people about it but don’t contact her anymore. Let her go. Use the anger to get through it and try and try to meet a new frind. Do other things. Being happy without her is the only ‘revenge’ that’s worthwhile. Bad mouthing her to mutual friends is pointless. They will NEVER get it because they have not been hurt by her. I have lost two mutual friends and one I have distanced myself from a lot. I don’t know if they notice but it’s irrelevant. If you can’t handle the mutual grapevine- give yourself space. Really sorry you’re going though this

  • #12951 Reply

    Anonymous

    Have you ever thought that, perhaps, your friend is a sociopath? Or maybe, not so seriously, a narcissist? Please read up on them and see that behavior of sociopaths follows this – one minute they are your best friend and always are happy and pleasing you, then the next minute they could drop you with nary an explanation. People believe that sociopaths are crazy, violent people. This isn’t the case (necessarily) and most never commit a violent crime. They are individuals born without the ability to feel empathy and maintain friendships only when they benefit from them. So unless you did something heinous to this person or treated them badly throughout your friendship, their absolute complete dump of you without a word could be the sign of a greater personality disorder. Trust me, I know this sounds like a huge leap, but I’ve come in contact with suspected sociopaths and its incredible how they can be so hot and cold. All in all, unless you did something terrible, its better to walk away from this person and feel better for doing so. Someone who can walk away from you without even saying a word is someone with deeper physiological problems at hand. Best of luck – I know its tough.

  • #12955 Reply

    Anonymous

    well my friend also dumped me without a single word. I said it was better i saw her true colours as having someone so cold and capable of something so mean was better steer cleared of. But my continued upset with her is having all the mutual friends think she is sweetness and light and she has so many people around her who adore her and think she’s bees knees. I feel like I’m her first victim or something but isn’t labelling her a sociopath too easy? Maybe some people are just that cruel and heartless and well we’ve read enough on these forums of friends dumping people because their friend was the crazy one and refused to listen to them complaining about them so they had no choice but to dump them.

    Or like when you’ve genuinely done nothing wrong and you get dumped…. The dumper had sociopathic tendencies??? But who would believe that? Only people who got burned by them. Everyone else sees them as these great people so doesn’t that mean that they were just cruel to you for their own personal reasons?

  • #12958 Reply

    Anonymous

    I do know the feeling of being dumped by a friend and not really knowing the reason. Me and my friend were so good friends when we will get angry we would try to make each other calm. Everyone used to go and talk behind her back and I was the only one who was truly her friend and she even admitted that in front of all the other classmates and it felt so nice that someone actually thought only I was their friend but then after sometime I started to notice that she totally ignores doesn’t talks to me that and then without a word our friendship was over and I don’t even know why and now she is friends with those people who just pretend to be her friends. It hurt so much to see her everyday and knowing that we are not friends anymore.. I am trying to move on and forget that she was my friend but I had gotten so used to talking and hanging out with her that I feel so lonely …
    And its only been a month and I can’t take it anymore, can anyone tell me what to do?

  • #12962 Reply

    Anonymous

    Sounds like you’re at school so in your case – you’re better off without her and y and focus on other friends. Chances are when she gets bored of the other lt shell come back to you for a pat on the head and a there there. You can decide at that point if you want her back. I guess the opway to look at it is: if someone hurt you like that, do you really want them in your life? Do you actually deserve to be treated that way? I’m betting nope- so distract yourself with other people who you’ve never thought of paying attention to.

  • #12965 Reply

    Anonymous

    you are going through this. But listen, if this isn’t a clue as to the fact that this person doesn’t have any kind of feelings, compassion in the sense that you on your end were trying to find out if and where you went wrong. Granted, we really haven’t been given specific details about how your friendship was aside from the fact that you are in deep pain. Nevertheless, I remember many years ago I had a great friend who I hung out with a lot, we went out together to parties, hung out with lots of fun people. But at some point I started to work, she did also and made a new friend on the job. Suddenly this friend started to kind of blow me off, or just not show that much interest in hanging out as before. I at first, felt kind of hurt.
    But at some point, I thought, “Oh no!” I’m not going to get all emotionally fussed up about someone who I ended up considering fickle with friendship. These you just have to let go. Yeah, go through your heartache as much as you want, but honestly try to learn that some people are like this and try to move on. This is why sometimes I’m not so inclined to believe some of the so called bff-forever mentality. This is why also, I’ve had good friends after that experience. But even w/other friendships, I always consider the idea that someone might just get a whim, and not want a friendship anymore, oh well, their loss, not mine. O.K., best wishes, and try not dwelling on someone like this, they’re not worth the time & energy you’re devoting them. Find new friends.

  • #13786 Reply

    Anonymous

    You are probably right in saying “she probably dumped you in her heart” … This has recently happened to me and I suspect my friend had sort of done this as well.
    And yes, do cry and discuss it with someone if you can because then it’s not so fresh and raw and you can start to move on.
    Set new goals and get going!

  • #13808 Reply

    ginger
    Participant

    I am not exactly in your shoes but I can kind of feel your pain. I went through a similar situation. I understand the pain of being dumped by a friend (yes, it is worse than being dumped by a boyfriend), the pain of not knowing why, and the pain of feeling rejected. I’ve been there. I have to say that it does get easier (it’s been a year for me) but you may still not know why even as time passes. I wish you all the best. You sound like a great person, who didn’t deserve to get dumped. It’s unfortunate that these things happen to good people. I’m sending you a virtual hug!

  • #14252 Reply

    Anonymous

    Sweet lord- I am experiencing the SAME thing!!! After the hurt comes the hate. Seriously, I hate my former friend so much right now. At how gutless and lousy her behaviour was and not one single person is saying anything to her. Everyone wants to stay out of it- oh its just between you two- hello!! if it WERE netween US TWO then i would get a say. But no- its just her on her own deciding that our friendship is dead. Its been a few months for me now. I too cried and felt so lonely and isolated but i am better now. i just think of how unfair and cruel some people are and yes i agree, scary to think someone you trust so much and can hurt you so much. Tossed aside without any reason like you were nothing.

    It is torture hearing how perfect their lives are and how they carry on meeting other people and treating them so wonderfully when they ditched you like junk email.

    I just dont get people sometimes.

  • #14265 Reply

    Anonymous

    Not only have I been dumped by a former BFF, for reasons unknown, other than not letting her control me anymore (i.e. mental instability), but as I was lunching with my out-of-town BFF (we live in neighboring towns), she started telling me how she was so hurt by her now ex-BFF (not me). Me and my friend have been close friends for almost 20 years and her and her now ex-BFF were only super tight for the last 3 years or so but we all graduated high school together.

    My close girlfriend was telling me how “K” had started saying she was going on vacation to Mexico for Spring Break with a couple of other friends and her husband, which is cool, however, the people K said she was going with are unable to obtain passports, so that threw up a red flag to my girlfriend, so she just started asking more questions because none of it added up. And according to my friend, K had started in with little digs here and there. Like telling my friend to “gain weight” (she’s been naturally thin her whole life) and to “take another Xanax”, meanwhile K is blowing up like a balloon and is herself a patient on Xanax. Well, it ended in a blowup and K deleted my friend from her facebook and shut off all contact. I think K was just trying to find an excuse to not have to hang out with my friend on Spring Break so she came up with that lame lie and when she got sniffed out, just completely came unglued and dumped my friend, her BFF.

    Funny thing happened at the lunch too, K showed up at the same restaurant but we didn’t notice her til later; and she was only about 3 feet from us. When my friend and her did notice each other, K mouthed the C-word at her. Something I haven’t seen since drunken college parties over a decade ago!!! And FYI these 2 ladies are prominent women in the community. It’s not like they’re white trash even though that is how K acted by doing that.

    But, alas, you don’t know who your friend truly is until you break up with them.

  • #14286 Reply

    smilla
    Participant

    i also had the same experience. mine is like she has other plans in life and apparently im not included so she dont want to see me as often as before. she didnt say that she wants to end the friendship but action speaks louder than words. whenever i ask her to go out shopping or just chill, she gives all kinds of excuses. i felt hurt. but what can i do. you can’t force somebody to be your friend if the other party is not interested anymore. now i am still in the process of moving on. sometimes if i remember the things that we do together, it makes me sad. but then again, i look at the bright side that i have other friends who love me more than she does and appreciate my friendship. i know in time i will be able to move on and let go ….

  • #14608 Reply

    Anonymous

    This just happened to me last month, but when I called my ex-friend on it, she sent me a screaming, crazy email listing my faults (so small that if that’s the worst she can say about me, I’m the best friend anyone has ever had) and then telling me she never wanted to talk to me again. This is after 13 years of friendship with not a single argument and asking me to be her child’s guardian. Then she sent me a THREE-PAGE, HAND-WRITTEN letter detailing these faults (I’m sometimes late; I haven’t called often lately since I had a baby) and told me that she didn’t want to talk with me again.
    If I were you, I would be glad not to hear the stupid reasons this person has for dropping your friendship. She obviously is unstable, unforgiving, and uncaring, and she probably isn’t telling you what’s wrong because she doesn’t have a good reason to behave so badly. In my case, the woman’s guilt over a past, unacknowledged mistreatment of me had probably caused her to take things very personally, and when she thought of me, she most likely saw herself through my eyes as imperfect. Whatever your ex-friend’s reasons, they probably have little to do with your own behavior or personality. Also, in my case, this woman had treated her husband, family, co-workers, and friends similarly in the past but spoke of herself as the victim each time. Now I see that she was fighting with and mistreating all these people…and then complaining about it to me. Was your friend like this? If so, count yourself lucky to have gotten away from her. She is unhealthy for you to have in your life. I hope that you feel better soon.

  • #14630 Reply

    Anonymous

    Last year when I was year 6, I had one girl going around and telling lies to other people. I used to get into trouble and they’d find out it was this person. I used to go home crying to my mum each day and tell her. I’m doing well in year 7 now ’cause she’s gone to intermediate. So I’m really happy.

  • #16134 Reply

    Anonymous

    I am a 35 year old male and I am going through this right now. My female friend has not spoken to me for 2 whole weeks now. We were having a really fun time the other day and just before I went home she told me that she didn’t want to ever see me again. I thought she was joking and laughed and went home. Turns out she wasn’t joking. I am going through the pain now. I’m hurt, lonely and confused. I am also a bit embarrassed at how much effort I put into this friendship only to get burned so badly. I feel so used and sad that I actually broke down in tears yesterday, this made my wife suspect that my friendship was not as innocent as I said. That makes things worse, now I am upset at losing my friend, and my always trusting wife is starting to doubt me. This pain is getting unbearable.

  • #16141 Reply

    sepulveda
    Participant

    Male Anon, it sounds like you really need to talk to someone, even if for only a short time (like four visits over a month) about what happened, and to ‘gain control’ over your emotions around your wife. You didn’t say how long you were friends with this woman. Do you not have any other friends to kind of “slide over” to so that the void can be taken up–or spend more time with your wife instead? Have you explained to your wife what happened? Maybe she can tell you how some women behave. It could be that your female friend was developing feelings for you, and decided to cut it off before disaster struck. To me, that’s the most logical explanation for her suddenly dropping you like a hot potato. But IMHO, I really do suggest you concentrate on your wife for a while. I understand about feeling betrayed and upset, but yeah, as a woman and a married one, I’d look askance at my husband if he seemed to feel more than was seemly for a married man for another woman.

  • #16405 Reply

    Anonymous

    Removed for violation of Terms of Service

  • #16406 Reply

    Anonymous

    Removed for violation of Terms of Service

  • #17353 Reply

    Anonymous

    I can never understand how a person acts wonderfully to a set of people and they think that person is wonderful whilst behaving in a cruel manner to someone else and getting away with their behaviour.

    I overheard a mutual friend that she thought my ex friend was wonderful and really sweet and i could have been spitting nails because i literally choked and then steeled myself against a biting comment.

    Its like mutual friends who havent been hurt by someone, dont sympathise with anyone else who has.

    generally it seems that the person getting dumped deserved it as they must have had issues/nasty/blind to their faults. getting sympathy for being friend dumped is practically unheard of as everyone seems to have the pov that you must have done something wrong and they want to stay out of it because they are safe and not in the firing line.

    weird.

    people are quite heartless and mean

    the person who does the dumping gets away with it every time and the one being dumped is left with a heap of hurt and told to get over it/life is hard/move on etc etc.

    weird

    yes move on of course, what choice do you have but being told oh, you cant still be upset or angry?! (shock horror that u have feelings) you must need therapy- should just forgive everyone who hurts you. sorry- but what a load of…

  • #17354 Reply

    Anonymous

    To get past this you have to allow your feelings of hurt to pass, like a storm and know there is sunshine on the other side – otherwise, if you hold it in you remain stuck in it, and it becomes a festering boil in your soul. This site is so helpful because it allows those who have been dumped to talk out their feelings without being told they are not allowed to have those feelings, and show caring towards one another.

  • #17358 Reply

    Anonymous

    Actually on this very site the dumped person is often told to get therapy / move on. Read the threads. It’s true the one dumping always comes up trumps and victorious. It’s the fool who got dumped who looks like stupid and vulnerable for having feelings of hurt and rejection.

    This site is majority on the side of the dumper

  • #17359 Reply

    Anonymous

    I think some people employ selective memory about how they’ve been treated poorly. This is not exactly what you are getting at, but it is a cousin to it. (Note to anyone who is going to jump on my post and proclaim I am not responding precisely to what she said.) In my small book club group there is an abrasive woman who one minute can laugh and joke with you and the next be rude and the next be rude or freeze you out. When she thaws and is nice to you again, I never forget how she froze me earlier. Yet one of my pals in the club seems to have amnesia. When she is not being iced out, she is bubbling with enthusiasm over how the cold one is so nice to her. She shows no sympathy to me for having been frozen out. Then … when my pal is getitng the frozen treatment, she sits by me to complain about being frozen. How is this possible that she can’t remember being mistreated only weeks earlier? Is this a sad, pathetic attempt to “move on” and “be positive” about not dwell on how shittily she was treated earlier? I don’t get it. But I do think if you tell someone that the person they think is wonderful has treated YOU personally like crap, they should believe you. And they should feel lucky that they weren’t treated like crap. But if they are your friend, they should believe what you’re telling them and they should sympathize. At the very least.

  • #17364 Reply

    Anonymous

    I was always there for this person. We were even roommates. I took care of her when she was sick, held her hand when she was upset, listened to her for hours. We had many fun times too. Then, she claimed that the friendship had become unhealthy, and she completely detached from me. The truth is, she made newer friends, and she doesn’t need me anymore. She seems to not care an ounce that I am in pain over this. In fact, I suspect that she enjoys it and wants me to be in pain. I am so hurt, and the worst part is that I will have to see her every day in school and in an internship. This feels like a very dark time for me.

  • #17365 Reply

    loright
    Participant

    Its all a part of life there is something you cannot take control on it..you can take it as a learning path for you.

  • #17414 Reply

    Danigrl30
    Participant

    I’ve been both: the dumper and the dumpee. And I have to say you”re absolutely right, it’s not always “deserved” or the fault of the dumpee in friendships. Sometimes the other person have real issues in their own lives or inner demons they need to work out. It’s true that some who are dumped have issues, were just selfish or mean, or blind to their own lack of empathy or faults. I know these are the exact reasons why I’ve dumped “friends”. But, it’s not always the case at all. Sometimes, it’s the dumper who have these kind of problems and decides to abandon you when it really should have been the other way around, if you weren’t being so loyal instead. Of course you’re suppose to feel hurt about it, by all means! Anyone who says, “get over it”, really doesn’t understand how it feels to be rejected. Of course you will “get over it” and move on, in time, but to shout that now in the midst of your pain is really rude, I think. If it was easy for you to just “get over it”, then I would think that you were a person who did deserve to be dumped and had issues with lack of empathy and etc. You feel the pain, because this friendship meant something to you and it’s a loss. It’s okay to weather this storm, to cry or to be angry about it. Just don’t stay in this pain forever, be open to healing from this, and know that there may be a better friend for you right around the corner someday. :-)

  • #17424 Reply

    Anonymous

    I know what you are going through. The part that stinks is that you can’t make her change – if she has truly chosen to shut you off then its so sad but you will one day not feel so much pain towards it.
    I will say one thing. If you really didn’t do anything (i absolutely believe you because I, too, was dumped and can say that aside from bickering once in a great while with her, I never did anything mean towards her. We were best friends for 14 years and I always supported her and was happy/positive with her) then the GOOD news is that she is not as good of a person as you thought. She is damaged. Because not 1 normal, sane, caring person on this planet would dump a friend of 10 years without explanation and without cause unless they had some type of issue. And it doesn’t take away the fact that she may have been a good friend in other ways. But I sincerely have such little respect for someone who would turn their back on a friend without explanation. That lacks character and a backbone.
    Its going to take time. Try and focus on the friends you have now or building new ones. I wish you the best of luck.

  • #17429 Reply

    Anonymous

    But if what her friend has done is so crazy and you agree her behaviour is not sane or caring then i agree with poster below- why do other people NOT notice OR CARE??

    Thats what i dont get either.

    Why mutual friends cant understand the pain of being dumped and choose to stay quiet without comment to the one who is doing all the hurting.

    People ALWAYS get away with horrible behaviour. Because other people dont like getting involved and having to deal with ‘drama’.

  • #17432 Reply

    Anonymous

    I’m so sorry to hear what you’re going through. I’ve experienced it too, thoough not after so long a friendship, but can imagine it’s only worse. I can only guess that she changed or you changed and that for her things don’t “click” anymore. It’s rotten though that there’s not a clear break-up protocol for friendships like for romantic relationships…so you don’t really know what’s going on. I would have expected things to taper. Maybe you’ll hear from a mutual friend what the issue was – I hope so, though I don’t think you would want to try to repair the old friendship. – Kate

  • #17433 Reply

    Anonymous

    But we are only seeing one side of the story. Odds are the dumpee here was rude and uncaring, but it is also possible there were hints for a long time that just weren’t picked up and this was the last option she felt she had. I don’t have a Facebook account and so don’t know the ettiquette on these things, but usually in relationships and friendships people give a long period of subtle hints and signals. They probably still act with normal civility and courtesy in this time, but exhibit a “cooling off” that most pick up on. In this case, either 1) the dumpee here didn’t know how to give signals or care enough to try or 2) the author didn’t pick up on the signs and signals and this was a last staw. As anonymous readers we will never know which. I feel for the author either way – I’ve been there and it sucks.

  • #17434 Reply

    Anonymous

    I meant to say “Odds are the DUMPER was rude and uncaring”. I would put bets on this being the fault of the Dumper, not dumpee.

  • #17435 Reply

    Anonymous

    “you can’t force somebody to be your friend if the other party is not interested anymore”

    I wholeheartedly agree. The way I’ve always looked at this in the self-esteem preserving mode is that if someone doesn’t like who I am, that’s their “fatal flaw” and I wouldn’t want to be friends with them. Just semantics perhaps, but for me the healthiest way to look at it.

  • #17439 Reply

    lacole
    Participant

    I was “dumped” a few months back..in hindsight, things were not going well for awhile. I held on, longer then I should have. Up until about 3 months ago, I was apologizing for my part, telling her I still wanted a friendship with her, etc. I got nothing in return. I knew it was over when there were chances for her to reach out and she never did. I feel stupid for trying as long as I did, that hurts on top of being dumped by her. Funny thing, we never had a “major” falling out, alot of bickering…she manipulated me, gave me the silent treatment, etc. I should have ended this friendship long long ago, but I cared for her and thought it could be good again. Why does the “dumpee” look like the one at fault…? The flawed one? Isnt it logical to think that any friendship/relationship took two to thrive and two to end??

  • #17440 Reply

    Anonymous

    I remember years ago in college not catching the hints fast enough. My friend still honored an old invite for me to go home with her for Thanksgiving, and I should have picked up the hints before that and not gone. Not that it was bad, but not comfortable. I wonder should we all be trained in school how to give and pick up on these hints?!?!
    As for flawed, it seems it can be one, both, neither. Sometimes one person just has issues, sometimes both, sometimes it’s just drifting apart. I don’t remember how I saw it when I was younger, but I think I only feel there’s a "flawed" person when I’m somehow involved! I am more objective with other people’s relationships. Stuff happens.

  • #17441 Reply

    Anonymous

    No- not at all. two to build a relationship for sure but it takes just ONE to end it. And without one then the other is left alone- there is no relationship or friendship with a lone, last man standing.

    and thats the problem- if ONE decides they want out the other doesnt have a choice. you cant HAVE a relationship alone. you NEED two. One goes off- simple.

    of course we dont know the full story but reading this website, so OFTEN people have NO idea what they did wrong/WHY they were dumped. In cases like that, the power is always with the dumpee. Because they KNOW.

    its the uncertainty/the waiting/the not knowing/thats the killer. Murder mystery book with the last few chapters ripped out. You have NO IDEA WHAT HAPPENED and tough- youre reading the book and it suddenly stops without the ending.

  • #17443 Reply

    Anonymous

    That’s just how it is – no last chapter unless you can piece it together. A few times, years later, I’ve said, “Wow, yeah, I can see why it wouldn’t have worked for her to be friends with me.” But usually you don’t know. Once in highschool though I did learn the reason. I was working on a project with a friend and we kept journals as part of the project to write it up later as a report. I didn’t realize her journal had personal stuff in it, and probably should have stopped reading when I did – but, hey, I was in high school. In her journal she outlined how my greater success and ease in one area (doesn’t matter what…she was better in others) made her feel bad about herself. There was nothing of course I could do about that, but it was a learning experience that I’ve carried with me for years in understanding how friendships can work and fail and how it may not be anyone’s “fault”.

  • #17459 Reply

    Anonymous

    I was in the same situation as you and even when I was having a great day the thought would pop up in my brain-“Am I really a horrible person and I just don’t know it” if someone could treat me that way who I had loved and respected.I couldn’t imagine what I had done wrong.We had been friends for over 14 years.
    This went on for about 1 1/2 years until my ex-friend dumped another close mutual friend and I heard what my ex-friend had told her.My ex-friend was spreading lies about me to everyone and had been doing it while we were still friends.The gossiping increased after she dumped me.The reason she gave for dumping me was a total lie,so I think she just decided to be done with me one day and made up a reason.She obviously has deep issues.We were still Facebook friends and she was using my FB posts to gossip about me and also to brag to others about how she had so many more FB friends than I did.
    She continues to gossip about me and is very invested in my life in a negative way,even though she cut off the friendship.I had known she gossiped a lot,but had no idea she was gossiping about me.I no longer mourn the loss of this friendship and I feel so lucky to know what was going on.
    So,hold your head high,some day you may find out your friend was not really the friend you thought she was and you will find a friend who loves you for who you are and it will be a healthy friendship.

  • #17461 Reply

    lacole
    Participant

    Yes…you are correct, but what I ment was, why is the “dumpee” the one who appears to be guilty of something? The bad guy.?? I was the “dumpee”, I was as much to blame for the downfall of my best friendship as my ex-bff was, but when I got dumped, I looked like i was the one was must have done something so horrible as to warrent my exbff not wanting to have anything to do with me? At least that is the way it seems to be seen by an outsider. Little do they know I put up with her baloney for years, manipulations, silent treatment, hurt feelings…the only difference Is, I put with it…I should have walked away. Now, I look like the bad guy???…;(

  • #17462 Reply

    Anonymous

    Or do you maybe just feel that’s what people are thinking? It may well be the case, but I know when I’m in the middle of something like that I lose perspective a bit. It’s been my experience that if I find someone difficult and problematic to be around, at least half the other people I know do too; they just aren’t saying it.

  • #17465 Reply

    lacole
    Participant

    I do feel bad on some level that I could have done or said some things differently over the years, BUT I do know that I was a really good friend to her, up until the end when I was still willing to apologize and be friends. – I know that she doesnt let many others know the real her, the one that I knew, she makes sure she is always kind, caring and fun, so I can only imagine others must think it was me who was so awful…(my imagination I guess??)…she always blamed me for everything, was a master at spinning things her way and finding blame with me…I guess I still feeling the effects of that to a certain degree…All I can do it hold me head high, never say a bad word about her and move forward…time will tell…

  • #17468 Reply

    Anonymous

    But I think people are pretty perceptive. There’s a lot of research out there two on a phenomenon which occurs when people say nasty things about other people. Our brains aren’t that good at discerning the details, and when we hear someone say something nasty about someone part of that attribution becomes attached in our minds to the speaker. So if Jane says Margo is two-faced and mean, at some level we end up attaching that attribution to Jane. It’s probably one of the reasons we end up disliking people who say nasty things about others.

  • #17477 Reply

    Anonymous

    Can you accept that in some cases the one dumped did nothing wrong?
    In your case you had a valid reason to dump you say but the other side of the coin is that the dumped genuinely did nothing wrong. The dumper had simply decided they no longer needed x as a friend and dumped them. That is cruel beyond. Terrible thing to do and what I see as so obvious but others don’t is that they let the dumpers behaviour go unchecked. So in an ironic twist the dumper not only gets away with cruel behaviour, they also get to feel smug because they haven’t been affected negatively. They got everything they wanted.

    There are a lot of cruel people out there- please lets not make excuses for them and make the dumped feel bad. They must feel about ye small already, why make them feel worse like its their fault.

  • #95176 Reply

    Dana

    Sorry. My case isnt as bad as yours but still stings. Became really close best friends with a girl. We are both in our early twenties. It wasnt a one way thing. She started calling me her best freind first. Talked about how she didn’t have many female friends and we both had a ton in common to the point both of us realized it ws bizarre. Everything from hobbies to certain outlooks on life. Well anyway, after having this intense bond of sisterhood for over a year. Our friendship ended so stupidly. My friend we will call her K. K was being flakey. She did not contact me about not being able to make it to concrete plans we had. The first time this happened I called her on it and politely asked to at least give me a heads up. After feeling she lied to me about a reason for not being able to hang out. I called her on it and she said she wasnt and tried to make it seem as if I was upset over the isolated insident and not the overall situation of dispecting my time and lying about it. So she casually blew me off. Not even apoligizeing for anything. Tried to contact a mutual friend and havent heard back. Think she might have turned out friend against me and to her side. Sounds like something she would do. I think she has a manipulative side to her personality. I used to think she was just persuasive like a great sales person but if I dont hear from our mutual friend I really think its because of her. The time we were friends we both went through some crap. Not only stuff you see going on the outside either.I thought we would be friends for a long time. That this girl would be the friend I called up when I meet that special guy I whose the one. Friendships should end over betrayal, distance, or growing part not something trival.

  • #95520 Reply

    I am on these forums because I am trying to figure out how to cut a “friend” loose.

    This is a 7-year friendship that began in high school. When I had met and befriended her in HS, we were friends, but never very close. A couple of years ago she transferred to my college. She complained about her roommates and “dorm life” and asked me to pull her into my on-campus apartment for the following year. I said yes. Big mistake.

    We started becoming “closer,” if by closer you mean she became increasingly clingy and demanding for attention, to the point where she would want to spend time with me EVERY SINGLE DAY. Several HOURS each day. It’s not a friendship. It’s a stressful weight on my shoulders.

    We live in the same apartment. Our rooms share a wall. If I so much as leave my room to pee, she ambushes me. When I open the bathroom door to return to my room, she starts a conversation. When I tell her “I’m busy, I have something to take care of,” she makes this pouty “sad” face at me. Then knocks on my door loudly half an hour later, “Are you done yet?”

    I have indulged her in conversation (i.e. her telling me about her problems), only to deeply regret it later when I realized I have wasted 4+ hours I could have spent productively.

    She has expressed discomfort and dislike at the fact that my door is always closed and locked because it makes her feel unwelcome. It’s closed because I need my privacy and alone time, and locked because I don’t want anyone coming in unless I open the door for them.

    I have started cutting down on my time with her, but on the few occasions we still go out (usually for on-campus dinner), she ends up waiting outside of my room while I’m trying to get my keys. She has attempted to follow me into my room, without invitation, to the point where I absolutely have to tell her, “I NEED time alone now,” every single time.

    At one point, she kept on repeating “I’m so depressed,” usually of performing poorly in a course. I felt as though she was making petty a mental illness that I take seriously — because I have had extreme troubles with it in the past and required YEARS of therapy/counseling and medication. I sat her down, and spoke as gently as I could, telling her that I found her statements offensive because she was making light of depression. I told her that conversations with her were stressful to me because I have had anxiety issues have difficulty enough handling the problems in my own life, and hers are overwhelming. I told her I could not help her because I am ill-equipped as a therapist and am not a qualified professional, and told her I could refer her to an excellent and understanding counselor at the campus counseling center (free) and offered to go with her to the counseling center to set up an appointment. I urged her to speak to someone who could help her with her problems if she felt like she was clinically depressed. She started crying. I got texts and calls later that night. From her mother. Berating me.

    (She never so much as attempted to make a counseling appointment. She later informed me she did not want me to try to “fix” anything or offer solutions, she just wanted to vent.)

    I have been firmer in attempting to set boundaries. Before a (one-sided) conversation begins, I preemptively put an ending time, such as, “I’m really busy, so I have to start studying in half an hour.” Then the talking begins. Then I remind her I need to work, only to hear, “Oh, okay, I’ll hurry and finish,” “I’m almost done,” and/or “Five more minutes, it won’t make a difference.” What am I supposed to do then — physically shove her out of my room?

    She is DESTROYING ME EMOTIONALLY, maybe without even realizing. I want to end this “friendship.” I DO NOT owe her anything, not even an explanation. Especially considering that she villainizes me whenever I try to have a serious conversation with her. I have only covered a fraction of her “transgressions.” Others include attempting to drive a wedge into my relationship, cheating/tricking me into paying for her (expensive) dinners, monopolizing my living space (ex. my bed), relying on ME to fix her insecurity & body image problems, butting into family time by attempting to invite herself over to my home… Good Lord, I could go on FOREVER.

    tl;dr If you’ve been friend-dumped, it might be a good time to step back and take a look at yourself. The dumper may be desperate for a way out. A clean break may be best for the dumper, and the dumper owes the dumpee absolutely nothing.

  • #95541 Reply

    N.Logan

    You could get her to read what you have just writen. She may get the hint.
    I can see how draining and frustrating this relationship must be for you, and I can fully understand why you would want to get out of this relationship. However it doesn’t mean that all dumpee’s are the ones with the problem. Sometimes people are cruel, selfish and heartless.

    I wish you luck in finding a way out of this toxic relationship.

  • #95662 Reply

    Bethade

    … Sounds like you need to talk to housing and the counselor about this girl and how she is now destroying your hard won battle against your own depression etc. Get her moved out if you can.

    I had a roommate my freshman year who tried killing herself, but she wasn’t clingy to me at all, not like this girl. I did know someone in high school who was so desperate for a friend (she was being horribly emotionally abused at home) that one weekend she called my house every half hour while I was with another friend. By that time, I’d about had enough; I was working thru my own depression & going to therapy. I heard later she had a breakdown.

    Anyway, you’ll have to be direct, short and curt with her. “No” is a complete sentence.

  • #104368 Reply

    Nanci

    Clara, sorry to hear that! Can you think of anything that you said or did that might’ve caused your friend to suddenly ignore you? That’s really odd that someone would do that to you after ten years. Her being nice to you the last few times you were together makes things even more difficult to understand. I know the feeling as I’ve had a couple of so called best friends do similar things to me.

    Perhaps you two were drifting apart for awhile and you didn’t realize it? Did calls and emails become less frequent over a period of time? Has she met new friends? Since she seemed to be fine when she did this, my best guess is that she didn’t want to confront you about ending the friendship. Most people would rather turn their back on you rather than confront you with the truth.

    I wouldn’t try to involve mutual friends in this situation as a few good friends have told me that people get tired about hearing about the same old problems after awhile. If you keep on bringing certain issues up, you’ll just end up annoying other people. A lot of people have enough of their own problems to deal with, so most people would rather not deal with other people’s issue too often.

    Perhaps you can give this friend some space for now and then contact her a few months from now and ask her why she choose to cut you out of her life. Keep it short and sweet though. Tell her that you miss her and that if there is anything that you did to offend her, that you’d like to know about it so that you can apologize to her for whatever you did wrong if that is the case. If she doesn’t respond back to you then, then forget about her and move on.

    I’m going through a similar situation to where my former bff is ignoring me. Everyone has told me to move on, so that’s what I’ll do. Maybe I might call her one last time and if she doesn’t respond, that’s it, I’m done for good. I did all that I could and if she doesn’t want to forgive me for certain things, then there’s nothing that I can do about it. I know how badly this hurts all too well. Try making new friends. Join meetup.com. It’s free site to join. Anyone who is unwilling to give you closure, especially someone who cut you out of their life for no apparent reason is not someone worth being friends with IMHO. You deserve better.

  • #104375 Reply

    Olivia

    Hi Clara Sue-
    That’s a really sad story, and I’m sorry that happened to you. What’s beyond weird is that you still have so many mutual acquaintances, and no one is talking.

    All I can say is, sometimes you really don’t know what’s going on with another person. Sometimes there are little warning signs that you didn’t see until afterward, sometimes there aren’t. When my first child was born, one of my BFFs (we’d been very close for 12 years) abruptly dropped out of my life. She is a single mom, and I’d known her since her daughter was five. They were always struggling for money and I used to help her out all the time, buying clothes for her daughter, with babysitting, being the shoulder for her to cry on when she and her boyfriends broke up, etc. We were in touch all through my pregnancy, and then, when my husband called her to tell her I had the baby, I got no response.

    I thought at first that her phone was disconnected, so I emailed her a picture. Again, nothing. I sent her a birth announcement. Nothing. Then, six months later, I got a mass email to me and 50 of her other “friends” announcing that she was pregnant. The dad was her new boyfriend and I hadn’t even met him. As I read the email, I started to cry. It felt like I’d been punched in the stomach. That was when I realized, our friendship had always been about her…as soon as I needed her in my life, she was gone. When she thought I wouldn’t be available to give her attention and support, she was gone.

    It sounds like something has happened with your friend like this, only the other shoe has not dropped yet. I would not contact her anymore. Eventually something will come to light. Either she will drop another friend with no warning or explanation…and then people will see that she is just cruel like that…I don’t know, sometimes only time will tell. In the meantime, I would do your best to pretend she doesn’t exist. Stop checking her Twitter, don’t ask people about her, take the stuff that reminds you of her and put it in a box and hide it somewhere. If you start thinking about her, force yourself to think of something else. Eventually it will stop hurting so much. You deserve friends who treat you better than this.

  • #136856 Reply

    annhie

    Being dumped is rarely a pleasant thing. Yes its really hurts when your friend or maybe a true friend dumped you but its natural feeling sometimes rejecting you after how many years being together but it hurts cause you considered her/him as a family member then after suddenly he/she change but its ok cause he/she dont deserved your friendship. Maybe someday he/she realize that he needs you.

  • #138832 Reply

    maraly

    I had a “friend” do this to me about 6 months ago and even though it’s not a big part of my life anymore, it still hurts. Her “reasoning” was that I had attacked her over FB messaging and that was something a friend didn’t do. I didn’t attack her, unless attacking is asking “hey, did I do something wrong? I feel like you are ignoring me.” and “I haven’t talked to you in a while, how’s everything going?”. Looking back, I see that she was cutting me out without saying anything, but telling me totally differently when I asked about it.

    The thing that really hurt was that I was going through a horrible time with my depression at the time she dropped me, and she went from talking to me normally one day, to me waking up to say Happy Thanksgiving to her on FB and finding out I had been blocked. I heard nothing until about a month afterwards when I messaged her from my husband’s account to ask her why. She told me her “reason” and some nasty insults and that was it. I’ve heard nothing from her since.

    So now, this is the second time she’s done this to someone, and she is one of the most popular people in town, but no one seems to care that I’m gone. She once called me the other half of her brain, told me before her husband when she got pregnant, ect. Now it seems that since she dumped me, no one wants to know me. I literally have TWO friends in town, and one of them is a mutual friend with this person, which is kind of awkward. ugh, she comes off looking like roses and I look like the fertilizer.. In a small town, it’s tough.

    If there is one thing to take away from this, it’s that I am never going to drop someone like that, ever. I guess I just have to wait out the hurt and let time do it’s thing, but it’s not easy. Good luck to everyone going through this.

    • #141332 Reply

      Linda

      Maraly,
      I relate to your story so well. I also live in a small town and I have been cut out of a friends life. She is better known than me and is involved in everything. She meets me on the road and blanks me completely. It is so upsetting. We have mutual friends. I have never mentioned this to them as they spend more time with her and I really don’t want to lose everyone I speak to over this. Our sons go to the same school so we would sometimes be in the same hall together at shows etc which I feel awkward in. It had made me become so introverted and unsociable. I used to be a jolly person. The thing is when I reflect back on our past she had made some drerogatory comments to be before about my clothes or why would my son be joining a club. It was like she only wanted her son to be in that club. Anyway my son thankfully dropped out of said club so at least I do not have to face her unfriendliness there. I feel so miserable over it all though.

  • #141281 Reply

    LJ

    I myself have been both the dumper and the one who was dumped 2 years ago i was friends with 3 girls 2 of them being twins. when i fought with the other girl the started to ignore me in front of her only wanting to talk to me when she wasn’t there. At first i tried to see it as if they wanted to please her but it reached the point at which they would only talk to me because she wasn’t thee and they needed the company so i became cold, distant i left the group we once were. I was so hurt we were friends for 9 years and they just forgot about me like that, they would act all innocent in front of people making me seem like the bad person. It hurt me so much that people viewed them all as being so nice and sweet when they weren’t. In those 2 years i became really good friends with this girl but 2 months ago she drifted away suddenly she wouldn’t ask about me or talk to me i talked to her a couple of times but she was really cold and distant. I traveled for a week she didn’t ask about me not even hi or have a safe flight, since i got back i asked about her but also shes being cold and distant. What hurts is that she knows what they did to me, i am one of the most private people and yet i trusted her I don’t wan’t to keep talking to her but last time this happened i got so hurt that i don’t wanna feel this pain again im not gonna lie it still hurts till now. what can i do to keep this friendship ?

Reply To: Just been friend dumped
Your information:





<a href="" title="" rel="" target=""> <blockquote cite=""> <code> <pre> <em> <strong> <del datetime=""> <ul> <ol start=""> <li> <img src="" border="" alt="" height="" width="">

Visit GirlfriendSocial.com

css.php