Just been friend dumped
February 12, 2012 at 6:57 pm #2436
I feel so hurt and sad and don’t know who to talk to. No one understands why I feel so hurt. My friend of ten years deleted me off Facebook and I thought it was by accident. I texted her and laughed and said oy you deleted me and she never replied back. I didn’t hear from her for a week and felt sad and rang her. It went to voicemail. I asked if something was wrong and she never ever replied back. I tried everything to contact her and she didn’t respond. I drove past her house and rang her doorbell to see if she would talk to me in case something was wrong and she was sick. No answer. Then a mutual friend told me that my friend told her to tell me to stop contacting her as she didn’t want to be friends with me anymore. I feel so upset. I don’t know what I did wrong and she won’t talk to me. I can talk to anyone about it because they all think I should let it go but how can I? She was my friend. I really cared about her. We were supposed to go out for my birthday soon and I can’t stop thinking about what I’ve done to her to make her hate me so much. What can I do now? I think about it all day and now don’t want to see anyone and talk to anyone because I’m worried that everyone hates me or something. Or they will all just dump me without a reason. What should I do? am I a horrible person and haven’t realised? But I don’t think I am. We just had a movie night at Christmas at her house and she was so nice. We’d been friends for so long and had never ever argued. I tried to think in case other people started saying stories about me or something and she thought it was true or something but no one knows why. No one has said anything bad about me or lied about me that I know of. It’s like she decided she doesn’t like me anymore and shoved me out of her life. I know on this blog there are similar stories but right now nothing helps. I’m feeling angry and hurt and can’t believe she can be so cruel. How can one friend to that to another friend?
She never ever said I was mean or horrible or anything. We had a good time the last time I saw her- she even gave me a doggy bag of cookies that we baked!!!! She isn’t sick- her parents are fine-she is still with her boyfriend so she hasn’t been dumped or anything. She is fine so why would she just cut me off like that? I thought we were going to go on holiday this year and now I don’t know what to do. Why would someone just stop talking to someone like that? We were friends. And she is fine. She is acting like she hasn’t even noticed that she dumped me. She is on twitter all the time! Why is she so happy that she dumped me? We were good friends. I can’t put it all down how horrible I feel right now and scared that someone I liked so much could hurt me so much. There is a big difference between a boyfriend dumping you and a friend. This hurt much much more. Am I really weird????
February 13, 2012 at 12:40 am #12928
Been there so badly that I truly wince for you. Sorry honey bunch but the hurt you’re just gonna have to deal with. You can’t do anything but feel and live it and hopefully let time heal you. This is too common isn’t it? I also can’t understand it? I feel like a true wally for caring and loving my ex so much . The reason they are getting on with their perfect lives is because she had already dumped you in her heart so by the time you stopped hearing from her- she had already emotionally detached herself. Let her go. Cry about it- talk to other people about it but don’t contact her anymore. Let her go. Use the anger to get through it and try and try to meet a new frind. Do other things. Being happy without her is the only ‘revenge’ that’s worthwhile. Bad mouthing her to mutual friends is pointless. They will NEVER get it because they have not been hurt by her. I have lost two mutual friends and one I have distanced myself from a lot. I don’t know if they notice but it’s irrelevant. If you can’t handle the mutual grapevine- give yourself space. Really sorry you’re going though this
May 17, 2016 at 4:46 pm #170566
I support you woman I’ve had a couple of friends who dump me because I was a user and they started acting one way about everything especially like on my 23rd birthday I thought they were close friends still and we can go hangout and have fun but they didn’t do that with me they do that with someone else and the last time I had hung with this guy I offer him some gas money to pay for the driving like I do to all of my friends but instead he gave me another choice to choose and pay for his yugioh entry cost which is what I did and I know the difference between what user is like compared to whose not a user basically a user is someone who wants to hangout with you when they need something from you like if I kept asking for public transportation all the time or I did pay a friend some money for gas then yes I would of truly be a user but I know I’m not and those people are fake and they are not real friends and you can see the difference right now what a real friend is and what isn’t a real friend and if I was your friend right now I would give you a big hug and compliment you and tell you, you don’t need those people they aren’t worth it.
[Last name removed by moderator. Please do not use any last names on this blog. Thanks.]
February 13, 2012 at 9:30 pm #12951
Have you ever thought that, perhaps, your friend is a sociopath? Or maybe, not so seriously, a narcissist? Please read up on them and see that behavior of sociopaths follows this – one minute they are your best friend and always are happy and pleasing you, then the next minute they could drop you with nary an explanation. People believe that sociopaths are crazy, violent people. This isn’t the case (necessarily) and most never commit a violent crime. They are individuals born without the ability to feel empathy and maintain friendships only when they benefit from them. So unless you did something heinous to this person or treated them badly throughout your friendship, their absolute complete dump of you without a word could be the sign of a greater personality disorder. Trust me, I know this sounds like a huge leap, but I’ve come in contact with suspected sociopaths and its incredible how they can be so hot and cold. All in all, unless you did something terrible, its better to walk away from this person and feel better for doing so. Someone who can walk away from you without even saying a word is someone with deeper physiological problems at hand. Best of luck – I know its tough.
February 13, 2012 at 11:12 pm #12955
well my friend also dumped me without a single word. I said it was better i saw her true colours as having someone so cold and capable of something so mean was better steer cleared of. But my continued upset with her is having all the mutual friends think she is sweetness and light and she has so many people around her who adore her and think she’s bees knees. I feel like I’m her first victim or something but isn’t labelling her a sociopath too easy? Maybe some people are just that cruel and heartless and well we’ve read enough on these forums of friends dumping people because their friend was the crazy one and refused to listen to them complaining about them so they had no choice but to dump them.
Or like when you’ve genuinely done nothing wrong and you get dumped…. The dumper had sociopathic tendencies??? But who would believe that? Only people who got burned by them. Everyone else sees them as these great people so doesn’t that mean that they were just cruel to you for their own personal reasons?
February 14, 2012 at 12:02 am #12958
I do know the feeling of being dumped by a friend and not really knowing the reason. Me and my friend were so good friends when we will get angry we would try to make each other calm. Everyone used to go and talk behind her back and I was the only one who was truly her friend and she even admitted that in front of all the other classmates and it felt so nice that someone actually thought only I was their friend but then after sometime I started to notice that she totally ignores doesn’t talks to me that and then without a word our friendship was over and I don’t even know why and now she is friends with those people who just pretend to be her friends. It hurt so much to see her everyday and knowing that we are not friends anymore.. I am trying to move on and forget that she was my friend but I had gotten so used to talking and hanging out with her that I feel so lonely …
And its only been a month and I can’t take it anymore, can anyone tell me what to do?
February 14, 2012 at 12:50 am #12962
Sounds like you’re at school so in your case – you’re better off without her and y and focus on other friends. Chances are when she gets bored of the other lt shell come back to you for a pat on the head and a there there. You can decide at that point if you want her back. I guess the opway to look at it is: if someone hurt you like that, do you really want them in your life? Do you actually deserve to be treated that way? I’m betting nope- so distract yourself with other people who you’ve never thought of paying attention to.
February 14, 2012 at 3:34 am #12965
you are going through this. But listen, if this isn’t a clue as to the fact that this person doesn’t have any kind of feelings, compassion in the sense that you on your end were trying to find out if and where you went wrong. Granted, we really haven’t been given specific details about how your friendship was aside from the fact that you are in deep pain. Nevertheless, I remember many years ago I had a great friend who I hung out with a lot, we went out together to parties, hung out with lots of fun people. But at some point I started to work, she did also and made a new friend on the job. Suddenly this friend started to kind of blow me off, or just not show that much interest in hanging out as before. I at first, felt kind of hurt.
But at some point, I thought, “Oh no!” I’m not going to get all emotionally fussed up about someone who I ended up considering fickle with friendship. These you just have to let go. Yeah, go through your heartache as much as you want, but honestly try to learn that some people are like this and try to move on. This is why sometimes I’m not so inclined to believe some of the so called bff-forever mentality. This is why also, I’ve had good friends after that experience. But even w/other friendships, I always consider the idea that someone might just get a whim, and not want a friendship anymore, oh well, their loss, not mine. O.K., best wishes, and try not dwelling on someone like this, they’re not worth the time & energy you’re devoting them. Find new friends.
March 9, 2012 at 11:05 am #13786
You are probably right in saying “she probably dumped you in her heart” … This has recently happened to me and I suspect my friend had sort of done this as well.
And yes, do cry and discuss it with someone if you can because then it’s not so fresh and raw and you can start to move on.
Set new goals and get going!
March 10, 2012 at 5:02 am #13808
I am not exactly in your shoes but I can kind of feel your pain. I went through a similar situation. I understand the pain of being dumped by a friend (yes, it is worse than being dumped by a boyfriend), the pain of not knowing why, and the pain of feeling rejected. I’ve been there. I have to say that it does get easier (it’s been a year for me) but you may still not know why even as time passes. I wish you all the best. You sound like a great person, who didn’t deserve to get dumped. It’s unfortunate that these things happen to good people. I’m sending you a virtual hug!
March 27, 2012 at 12:28 pm #14252
Sweet lord- I am experiencing the SAME thing!!! After the hurt comes the hate. Seriously, I hate my former friend so much right now. At how gutless and lousy her behaviour was and not one single person is saying anything to her. Everyone wants to stay out of it- oh its just between you two- hello!! if it WERE netween US TWO then i would get a say. But no- its just her on her own deciding that our friendship is dead. Its been a few months for me now. I too cried and felt so lonely and isolated but i am better now. i just think of how unfair and cruel some people are and yes i agree, scary to think someone you trust so much and can hurt you so much. Tossed aside without any reason like you were nothing.
It is torture hearing how perfect their lives are and how they carry on meeting other people and treating them so wonderfully when they ditched you like junk email.
I just dont get people sometimes.
March 27, 2012 at 9:46 pm #14265
Not only have I been dumped by a former BFF, for reasons unknown, other than not letting her control me anymore (i.e. mental instability), but as I was lunching with my out-of-town BFF (we live in neighboring towns), she started telling me how she was so hurt by her now ex-BFF (not me). Me and my friend have been close friends for almost 20 years and her and her now ex-BFF were only super tight for the last 3 years or so but we all graduated high school together.
My close girlfriend was telling me how “K” had started saying she was going on vacation to Mexico for Spring Break with a couple of other friends and her husband, which is cool, however, the people K said she was going with are unable to obtain passports, so that threw up a red flag to my girlfriend, so she just started asking more questions because none of it added up. And according to my friend, K had started in with little digs here and there. Like telling my friend to “gain weight” (she’s been naturally thin her whole life) and to “take another Xanax”, meanwhile K is blowing up like a balloon and is herself a patient on Xanax. Well, it ended in a blowup and K deleted my friend from her facebook and shut off all contact. I think K was just trying to find an excuse to not have to hang out with my friend on Spring Break so she came up with that lame lie and when she got sniffed out, just completely came unglued and dumped my friend, her BFF.
Funny thing happened at the lunch too, K showed up at the same restaurant but we didn’t notice her til later; and she was only about 3 feet from us. When my friend and her did notice each other, K mouthed the C-word at her. Something I haven’t seen since drunken college parties over a decade ago!!! And FYI these 2 ladies are prominent women in the community. It’s not like they’re white trash even though that is how K acted by doing that.
But, alas, you don’t know who your friend truly is until you break up with them.
March 28, 2012 at 2:19 pm #14286
i also had the same experience. mine is like she has other plans in life and apparently im not included so she dont want to see me as often as before. she didnt say that she wants to end the friendship but action speaks louder than words. whenever i ask her to go out shopping or just chill, she gives all kinds of excuses. i felt hurt. but what can i do. you can’t force somebody to be your friend if the other party is not interested anymore. now i am still in the process of moving on. sometimes if i remember the things that we do together, it makes me sad. but then again, i look at the bright side that i have other friends who love me more than she does and appreciate my friendship. i know in time i will be able to move on and let go ….
April 10, 2012 at 6:06 am #14608
This just happened to me last month, but when I called my ex-friend on it, she sent me a screaming, crazy email listing my faults (so small that if that’s the worst she can say about me, I’m the best friend anyone has ever had) and then telling me she never wanted to talk to me again. This is after 13 years of friendship with not a single argument and asking me to be her child’s guardian. Then she sent me a THREE-PAGE, HAND-WRITTEN letter detailing these faults (I’m sometimes late; I haven’t called often lately since I had a baby) and told me that she didn’t want to talk with me again.
If I were you, I would be glad not to hear the stupid reasons this person has for dropping your friendship. She obviously is unstable, unforgiving, and uncaring, and she probably isn’t telling you what’s wrong because she doesn’t have a good reason to behave so badly. In my case, the woman’s guilt over a past, unacknowledged mistreatment of me had probably caused her to take things very personally, and when she thought of me, she most likely saw herself through my eyes as imperfect. Whatever your ex-friend’s reasons, they probably have little to do with your own behavior or personality. Also, in my case, this woman had treated her husband, family, co-workers, and friends similarly in the past but spoke of herself as the victim each time. Now I see that she was fighting with and mistreating all these people…and then complaining about it to me. Was your friend like this? If so, count yourself lucky to have gotten away from her. She is unhealthy for you to have in your life. I hope that you feel better soon.
April 11, 2012 at 1:28 am #14630
Last year when I was year 6, I had one girl going around and telling lies to other people. I used to get into trouble and they’d find out it was this person. I used to go home crying to my mum each day and tell her. I’m doing well in year 7 now ’cause she’s gone to intermediate. So I’m really happy.
May 30, 2012 at 11:05 pm #16134
I am a 35 year old male and I am going through this right now. My female friend has not spoken to me for 2 whole weeks now. We were having a really fun time the other day and just before I went home she told me that she didn’t want to ever see me again. I thought she was joking and laughed and went home. Turns out she wasn’t joking. I am going through the pain now. I’m hurt, lonely and confused. I am also a bit embarrassed at how much effort I put into this friendship only to get burned so badly. I feel so used and sad that I actually broke down in tears yesterday, this made my wife suspect that my friendship was not as innocent as I said. That makes things worse, now I am upset at losing my friend, and my always trusting wife is starting to doubt me. This pain is getting unbearable.
May 31, 2012 at 1:26 am #16141
Male Anon, it sounds like you really need to talk to someone, even if for only a short time (like four visits over a month) about what happened, and to ‘gain control’ over your emotions around your wife. You didn’t say how long you were friends with this woman. Do you not have any other friends to kind of “slide over” to so that the void can be taken up–or spend more time with your wife instead? Have you explained to your wife what happened? Maybe she can tell you how some women behave. It could be that your female friend was developing feelings for you, and decided to cut it off before disaster struck. To me, that’s the most logical explanation for her suddenly dropping you like a hot potato. But IMHO, I really do suggest you concentrate on your wife for a while. I understand about feeling betrayed and upset, but yeah, as a woman and a married one, I’d look askance at my husband if he seemed to feel more than was seemly for a married man for another woman.
June 8, 2012 at 4:56 am #16405
Removed for violation of Terms of Service
June 8, 2012 at 5:06 am #16406
Removed for violation of Terms of Service
July 19, 2012 at 6:29 pm #17353
I can never understand how a person acts wonderfully to a set of people and they think that person is wonderful whilst behaving in a cruel manner to someone else and getting away with their behaviour.
I overheard a mutual friend that she thought my ex friend was wonderful and really sweet and i could have been spitting nails because i literally choked and then steeled myself against a biting comment.
Its like mutual friends who havent been hurt by someone, dont sympathise with anyone else who has.
generally it seems that the person getting dumped deserved it as they must have had issues/nasty/blind to their faults. getting sympathy for being friend dumped is practically unheard of as everyone seems to have the pov that you must have done something wrong and they want to stay out of it because they are safe and not in the firing line.
people are quite heartless and mean
the person who does the dumping gets away with it every time and the one being dumped is left with a heap of hurt and told to get over it/life is hard/move on etc etc.
yes move on of course, what choice do you have but being told oh, you cant still be upset or angry?! (shock horror that u have feelings) you must need therapy- should just forgive everyone who hurts you. sorry- but what a load of…
July 19, 2012 at 7:17 pm #17354
To get past this you have to allow your feelings of hurt to pass, like a storm and know there is sunshine on the other side – otherwise, if you hold it in you remain stuck in it, and it becomes a festering boil in your soul. This site is so helpful because it allows those who have been dumped to talk out their feelings without being told they are not allowed to have those feelings, and show caring towards one another.
July 20, 2012 at 1:05 am #17358
Actually on this very site the dumped person is often told to get therapy / move on. Read the threads. It’s true the one dumping always comes up trumps and victorious. It’s the fool who got dumped who looks like stupid and vulnerable for having feelings of hurt and rejection.
This site is majority on the side of the dumper
July 20, 2012 at 1:50 am #17359
I think some people employ selective memory about how they’ve been treated poorly. This is not exactly what you are getting at, but it is a cousin to it. (Note to anyone who is going to jump on my post and proclaim I am not responding precisely to what she said.) In my small book club group there is an abrasive woman who one minute can laugh and joke with you and the next be rude and the next be rude or freeze you out. When she thaws and is nice to you again, I never forget how she froze me earlier. Yet one of my pals in the club seems to have amnesia. When she is not being iced out, she is bubbling with enthusiasm over how the cold one is so nice to her. She shows no sympathy to me for having been frozen out. Then … when my pal is getitng the frozen treatment, she sits by me to complain about being frozen. How is this possible that she can’t remember being mistreated only weeks earlier? Is this a sad, pathetic attempt to “move on” and “be positive” about not dwell on how shittily she was treated earlier? I don’t get it. But I do think if you tell someone that the person they think is wonderful has treated YOU personally like crap, they should believe you. And they should feel lucky that they weren’t treated like crap. But if they are your friend, they should believe what you’re telling them and they should sympathize. At the very least.
July 20, 2012 at 7:16 am #17364
I was always there for this person. We were even roommates. I took care of her when she was sick, held her hand when she was upset, listened to her for hours. We had many fun times too. Then, she claimed that the friendship had become unhealthy, and she completely detached from me. The truth is, she made newer friends, and she doesn’t need me anymore. She seems to not care an ounce that I am in pain over this. In fact, I suspect that she enjoys it and wants me to be in pain. I am so hurt, and the worst part is that I will have to see her every day in school and in an internship. This feels like a very dark time for me.
July 20, 2012 at 8:09 am #17365
July 22, 2012 at 4:00 pm #17414
I’ve been both: the dumper and the dumpee. And I have to say you”re absolutely right, it’s not always “deserved” or the fault of the dumpee in friendships. Sometimes the other person have real issues in their own lives or inner demons they need to work out. It’s true that some who are dumped have issues, were just selfish or mean, or blind to their own lack of empathy or faults. I know these are the exact reasons why I’ve dumped “friends”. But, it’s not always the case at all. Sometimes, it’s the dumper who have these kind of problems and decides to abandon you when it really should have been the other way around, if you weren’t being so loyal instead. Of course you’re suppose to feel hurt about it, by all means! Anyone who says, “get over it”, really doesn’t understand how it feels to be rejected. Of course you will “get over it” and move on, in time, but to shout that now in the midst of your pain is really rude, I think. If it was easy for you to just “get over it”, then I would think that you were a person who did deserve to be dumped and had issues with lack of empathy and etc. You feel the pain, because this friendship meant something to you and it’s a loss. It’s okay to weather this storm, to cry or to be angry about it. Just don’t stay in this pain forever, be open to healing from this, and know that there may be a better friend for you right around the corner someday. 🙂
July 23, 2012 at 6:01 am #17424
I know what you are going through. The part that stinks is that you can’t make her change – if she has truly chosen to shut you off then its so sad but you will one day not feel so much pain towards it.
I will say one thing. If you really didn’t do anything (i absolutely believe you because I, too, was dumped and can say that aside from bickering once in a great while with her, I never did anything mean towards her. We were best friends for 14 years and I always supported her and was happy/positive with her) then the GOOD news is that she is not as good of a person as you thought. She is damaged. Because not 1 normal, sane, caring person on this planet would dump a friend of 10 years without explanation and without cause unless they had some type of issue. And it doesn’t take away the fact that she may have been a good friend in other ways. But I sincerely have such little respect for someone who would turn their back on a friend without explanation. That lacks character and a backbone.
Its going to take time. Try and focus on the friends you have now or building new ones. I wish you the best of luck.
July 23, 2012 at 1:19 pm #17429
But if what her friend has done is so crazy and you agree her behaviour is not sane or caring then i agree with poster below- why do other people NOT notice OR CARE??
Thats what i dont get either.
Why mutual friends cant understand the pain of being dumped and choose to stay quiet without comment to the one who is doing all the hurting.
People ALWAYS get away with horrible behaviour. Because other people dont like getting involved and having to deal with ‘drama’.
July 23, 2012 at 3:01 pm #17432
I’m so sorry to hear what you’re going through. I’ve experienced it too, thoough not after so long a friendship, but can imagine it’s only worse. I can only guess that she changed or you changed and that for her things don’t “click” anymore. It’s rotten though that there’s not a clear break-up protocol for friendships like for romantic relationships…so you don’t really know what’s going on. I would have expected things to taper. Maybe you’ll hear from a mutual friend what the issue was – I hope so, though I don’t think you would want to try to repair the old friendship. – Kate
July 23, 2012 at 3:16 pm #17433
But we are only seeing one side of the story. Odds are the dumpee here was rude and uncaring, but it is also possible there were hints for a long time that just weren’t picked up and this was the last option she felt she had. I don’t have a Facebook account and so don’t know the ettiquette on these things, but usually in relationships and friendships people give a long period of subtle hints and signals. They probably still act with normal civility and courtesy in this time, but exhibit a “cooling off” that most pick up on. In this case, either 1) the dumpee here didn’t know how to give signals or care enough to try or 2) the author didn’t pick up on the signs and signals and this was a last staw. As anonymous readers we will never know which. I feel for the author either way – I’ve been there and it sucks.
July 23, 2012 at 3:17 pm #17434
I meant to say “Odds are the DUMPER was rude and uncaring”. I would put bets on this being the fault of the Dumper, not dumpee.
July 23, 2012 at 3:19 pm #17435
“you can’t force somebody to be your friend if the other party is not interested anymore”
I wholeheartedly agree. The way I’ve always looked at this in the self-esteem preserving mode is that if someone doesn’t like who I am, that’s their “fatal flaw” and I wouldn’t want to be friends with them. Just semantics perhaps, but for me the healthiest way to look at it.
July 23, 2012 at 3:51 pm #17439
I was “dumped” a few months back..in hindsight, things were not going well for awhile. I held on, longer then I should have. Up until about 3 months ago, I was apologizing for my part, telling her I still wanted a friendship with her, etc. I got nothing in return. I knew it was over when there were chances for her to reach out and she never did. I feel stupid for trying as long as I did, that hurts on top of being dumped by her. Funny thing, we never had a “major” falling out, alot of bickering…she manipulated me, gave me the silent treatment, etc. I should have ended this friendship long long ago, but I cared for her and thought it could be good again. Why does the “dumpee” look like the one at fault…? The flawed one? Isnt it logical to think that any friendship/relationship took two to thrive and two to end??
July 23, 2012 at 3:58 pm #17440
I remember years ago in college not catching the hints fast enough. My friend still honored an old invite for me to go home with her for Thanksgiving, and I should have picked up the hints before that and not gone. Not that it was bad, but not comfortable. I wonder should we all be trained in school how to give and pick up on these hints?!?!
As for flawed, it seems it can be one, both, neither. Sometimes one person just has issues, sometimes both, sometimes it’s just drifting apart. I don’t remember how I saw it when I was younger, but I think I only feel there’s a "flawed" person when I’m somehow involved! I am more objective with other people’s relationships. Stuff happens.
July 23, 2012 at 4:06 pm #17441
No- not at all. two to build a relationship for sure but it takes just ONE to end it. And without one then the other is left alone- there is no relationship or friendship with a lone, last man standing.
and thats the problem- if ONE decides they want out the other doesnt have a choice. you cant HAVE a relationship alone. you NEED two. One goes off- simple.
of course we dont know the full story but reading this website, so OFTEN people have NO idea what they did wrong/WHY they were dumped. In cases like that, the power is always with the dumpee. Because they KNOW.
its the uncertainty/the waiting/the not knowing/thats the killer. Murder mystery book with the last few chapters ripped out. You have NO IDEA WHAT HAPPENED and tough- youre reading the book and it suddenly stops without the ending.
July 23, 2012 at 4:12 pm #17443
That’s just how it is – no last chapter unless you can piece it together. A few times, years later, I’ve said, “Wow, yeah, I can see why it wouldn’t have worked for her to be friends with me.” But usually you don’t know. Once in highschool though I did learn the reason. I was working on a project with a friend and we kept journals as part of the project to write it up later as a report. I didn’t realize her journal had personal stuff in it, and probably should have stopped reading when I did – but, hey, I was in high school. In her journal she outlined how my greater success and ease in one area (doesn’t matter what…she was better in others) made her feel bad about herself. There was nothing of course I could do about that, but it was a learning experience that I’ve carried with me for years in understanding how friendships can work and fail and how it may not be anyone’s “fault”.
July 23, 2012 at 7:38 pm #17459
I was in the same situation as you and even when I was having a great day the thought would pop up in my brain-“Am I really a horrible person and I just don’t know it” if someone could treat me that way who I had loved and respected.I couldn’t imagine what I had done wrong.We had been friends for over 14 years.
This went on for about 1 1/2 years until my ex-friend dumped another close mutual friend and I heard what my ex-friend had told her.My ex-friend was spreading lies about me to everyone and had been doing it while we were still friends.The gossiping increased after she dumped me.The reason she gave for dumping me was a total lie,so I think she just decided to be done with me one day and made up a reason.She obviously has deep issues.We were still Facebook friends and she was using my FB posts to gossip about me and also to brag to others about how she had so many more FB friends than I did.
She continues to gossip about me and is very invested in my life in a negative way,even though she cut off the friendship.I had known she gossiped a lot,but had no idea she was gossiping about me.I no longer mourn the loss of this friendship and I feel so lucky to know what was going on.
So,hold your head high,some day you may find out your friend was not really the friend you thought she was and you will find a friend who loves you for who you are and it will be a healthy friendship.
July 23, 2012 at 8:30 pm #17461
Yes…you are correct, but what I ment was, why is the “dumpee” the one who appears to be guilty of something? The bad guy.?? I was the “dumpee”, I was as much to blame for the downfall of my best friendship as my ex-bff was, but when I got dumped, I looked like i was the one was must have done something so horrible as to warrent my exbff not wanting to have anything to do with me? At least that is the way it seems to be seen by an outsider. Little do they know I put up with her baloney for years, manipulations, silent treatment, hurt feelings…the only difference Is, I put with it…I should have walked away. Now, I look like the bad guy???…;(
July 23, 2012 at 9:30 pm #17462
Or do you maybe just feel that’s what people are thinking? It may well be the case, but I know when I’m in the middle of something like that I lose perspective a bit. It’s been my experience that if I find someone difficult and problematic to be around, at least half the other people I know do too; they just aren’t saying it.
July 23, 2012 at 9:44 pm #17465
I do feel bad on some level that I could have done or said some things differently over the years, BUT I do know that I was a really good friend to her, up until the end when I was still willing to apologize and be friends. – I know that she doesnt let many others know the real her, the one that I knew, she makes sure she is always kind, caring and fun, so I can only imagine others must think it was me who was so awful…(my imagination I guess??)…she always blamed me for everything, was a master at spinning things her way and finding blame with me…I guess I still feeling the effects of that to a certain degree…All I can do it hold me head high, never say a bad word about her and move forward…time will tell…
July 23, 2012 at 9:55 pm #17468
But I think people are pretty perceptive. There’s a lot of research out there two on a phenomenon which occurs when people say nasty things about other people. Our brains aren’t that good at discerning the details, and when we hear someone say something nasty about someone part of that attribution becomes attached in our minds to the speaker. So if Jane says Margo is two-faced and mean, at some level we end up attaching that attribution to Jane. It’s probably one of the reasons we end up disliking people who say nasty things about others.
July 24, 2012 at 1:29 am #17477
Can you accept that in some cases the one dumped did nothing wrong?
In your case you had a valid reason to dump you say but the other side of the coin is that the dumped genuinely did nothing wrong. The dumper had simply decided they no longer needed x as a friend and dumped them. That is cruel beyond. Terrible thing to do and what I see as so obvious but others don’t is that they let the dumpers behaviour go unchecked. So in an ironic twist the dumper not only gets away with cruel behaviour, they also get to feel smug because they haven’t been affected negatively. They got everything they wanted.
There are a lot of cruel people out there- please lets not make excuses for them and make the dumped feel bad. They must feel about ye small already, why make them feel worse like its their fault.
April 6, 2013 at 6:28 pm #95176
Sorry. My case isnt as bad as yours but still stings. Became really close best friends with a girl. We are both in our early twenties. It wasnt a one way thing. She started calling me her best freind first. Talked about how she didn’t have many female friends and we both had a ton in common to the point both of us realized it ws bizarre. Everything from hobbies to certain outlooks on life. Well anyway, after having this intense bond of sisterhood for over a year. Our friendship ended so stupidly. My friend we will call her K. K was being flakey. She did not contact me about not being able to make it to concrete plans we had. The first time this happened I called her on it and politely asked to at least give me a heads up. After feeling she lied to me about a reason for not being able to hang out. I called her on it and she said she wasnt and tried to make it seem as if I was upset over the isolated insident and not the overall situation of dispecting my time and lying about it. So she casually blew me off. Not even apoligizeing for anything. Tried to contact a mutual friend and havent heard back. Think she might have turned out friend against me and to her side. Sounds like something she would do. I think she has a manipulative side to her personality. I used to think she was just persuasive like a great sales person but if I dont hear from our mutual friend I really think its because of her. The time we were friends we both went through some crap. Not only stuff you see going on the outside either.I thought we would be friends for a long time. That this girl would be the friend I called up when I meet that special guy I whose the one. Friendships should end over betrayal, distance, or growing part not something trival.
April 8, 2013 at 6:14 am #95520
I am on these forums because I am trying to figure out how to cut a “friend” loose.
This is a 7-year friendship that began in high school. When I had met and befriended her in HS, we were friends, but never very close. A couple of years ago she transferred to my college. She complained about her roommates and “dorm life” and asked me to pull her into my on-campus apartment for the following year. I said yes. Big mistake.
We started becoming “closer,” if by closer you mean she became increasingly clingy and demanding for attention, to the point where she would want to spend time with me EVERY SINGLE DAY. Several HOURS each day. It’s not a friendship. It’s a stressful weight on my shoulders.
We live in the same apartment. Our rooms share a wall. If I so much as leave my room to pee, she ambushes me. When I open the bathroom door to return to my room, she starts a conversation. When I tell her “I’m busy, I have something to take care of,” she makes this pouty “sad” face at me. Then knocks on my door loudly half an hour later, “Are you done yet?”
I have indulged her in conversation (i.e. her telling me about her problems), only to deeply regret it later when I realized I have wasted 4+ hours I could have spent productively.
She has expressed discomfort and dislike at the fact that my door is always closed and locked because it makes her feel unwelcome. It’s closed because I need my privacy and alone time, and locked because I don’t want anyone coming in unless I open the door for them.
I have started cutting down on my time with her, but on the few occasions we still go out (usually for on-campus dinner), she ends up waiting outside of my room while I’m trying to get my keys. She has attempted to follow me into my room, without invitation, to the point where I absolutely have to tell her, “I NEED time alone now,” every single time.
At one point, she kept on repeating “I’m so depressed,” usually of performing poorly in a course. I felt as though she was making petty a mental illness that I take seriously — because I have had extreme troubles with it in the past and required YEARS of therapy/counseling and medication. I sat her down, and spoke as gently as I could, telling her that I found her statements offensive because she was making light of depression. I told her that conversations with her were stressful to me because I have had anxiety issues have difficulty enough handling the problems in my own life, and hers are overwhelming. I told her I could not help her because I am ill-equipped as a therapist and am not a qualified professional, and told her I could refer her to an excellent and understanding counselor at the campus counseling center (free) and offered to go with her to the counseling center to set up an appointment. I urged her to speak to someone who could help her with her problems if she felt like she was clinically depressed. She started crying. I got texts and calls later that night. From her mother. Berating me.
(She never so much as attempted to make a counseling appointment. She later informed me she did not want me to try to “fix” anything or offer solutions, she just wanted to vent.)
I have been firmer in attempting to set boundaries. Before a (one-sided) conversation begins, I preemptively put an ending time, such as, “I’m really busy, so I have to start studying in half an hour.” Then the talking begins. Then I remind her I need to work, only to hear, “Oh, okay, I’ll hurry and finish,” “I’m almost done,” and/or “Five more minutes, it won’t make a difference.” What am I supposed to do then — physically shove her out of my room?
She is DESTROYING ME EMOTIONALLY, maybe without even realizing. I want to end this “friendship.” I DO NOT owe her anything, not even an explanation. Especially considering that she villainizes me whenever I try to have a serious conversation with her. I have only covered a fraction of her “transgressions.” Others include attempting to drive a wedge into my relationship, cheating/tricking me into paying for her (expensive) dinners, monopolizing my living space (ex. my bed), relying on ME to fix her insecurity & body image problems, butting into family time by attempting to invite herself over to my home… Good Lord, I could go on FOREVER.
tl;dr If you’ve been friend-dumped, it might be a good time to step back and take a look at yourself. The dumper may be desperate for a way out. A clean break may be best for the dumper, and the dumper owes the dumpee absolutely nothing.
April 8, 2013 at 7:00 am #95541
You could get her to read what you have just writen. She may get the hint.
I can see how draining and frustrating this relationship must be for you, and I can fully understand why you would want to get out of this relationship. However it doesn’t mean that all dumpee’s are the ones with the problem. Sometimes people are cruel, selfish and heartless.
I wish you luck in finding a way out of this toxic relationship.
March 16, 2016 at 1:18 am #167381
I’m sorry this happened to you. I’d like to offer some insight that may help you to understand. Years ago I had a very good friend who I just stopped talking to. She did nothing wrong. She was wonderful and we got along well. I was not seeing my life unfold as I thought it should, and I’m ashamed to say that as her life seemed to be moving along nicely, I grew jealous of her. I was immature, denied it to myself, and couldn’t handle it. So what I did was terrible and to this day I regret it. I learned a harsh lesson from this because I am the one who lost a beautiful friendship. I hope this can help you in some way. You never know what another person is thinking or feeling but I can also say that I now treasure my friends and give them a lot of breaks because life is short and you just never know. They may have alot of growing up to do like me and hopefully they will learn from this. In the meantime, it probably wasn’t anything you did so just try to forgive them and move on. It’s probably for the best.
- This reply was modified 11 months, 2 weeks ago by Irene.
- This reply was modified 11 months, 2 weeks ago by Irene.
April 8, 2013 at 8:59 pm #95662
… Sounds like you need to talk to housing and the counselor about this girl and how she is now destroying your hard won battle against your own depression etc. Get her moved out if you can.
I had a roommate my freshman year who tried killing herself, but she wasn’t clingy to me at all, not like this girl. I did know someone in high school who was so desperate for a friend (she was being horribly emotionally abused at home) that one weekend she called my house every half hour while I was with another friend. By that time, I’d about had enough; I was working thru my own depression & going to therapy. I heard later she had a breakdown.
Anyway, you’ll have to be direct, short and curt with her. “No” is a complete sentence.
June 13, 2013 at 3:00 pm #104368
Clara, sorry to hear that! Can you think of anything that you said or did that might’ve caused your friend to suddenly ignore you? That’s really odd that someone would do that to you after ten years. Her being nice to you the last few times you were together makes things even more difficult to understand. I know the feeling as I’ve had a couple of so called best friends do similar things to me.
Perhaps you two were drifting apart for awhile and you didn’t realize it? Did calls and emails become less frequent over a period of time? Has she met new friends? Since she seemed to be fine when she did this, my best guess is that she didn’t want to confront you about ending the friendship. Most people would rather turn their back on you rather than confront you with the truth.
I wouldn’t try to involve mutual friends in this situation as a few good friends have told me that people get tired about hearing about the same old problems after awhile. If you keep on bringing certain issues up, you’ll just end up annoying other people. A lot of people have enough of their own problems to deal with, so most people would rather not deal with other people’s issue too often.
Perhaps you can give this friend some space for now and then contact her a few months from now and ask her why she choose to cut you out of her life. Keep it short and sweet though. Tell her that you miss her and that if there is anything that you did to offend her, that you’d like to know about it so that you can apologize to her for whatever you did wrong if that is the case. If she doesn’t respond back to you then, then forget about her and move on.
I’m going through a similar situation to where my former bff is ignoring me. Everyone has told me to move on, so that’s what I’ll do. Maybe I might call her one last time and if she doesn’t respond, that’s it, I’m done for good. I did all that I could and if she doesn’t want to forgive me for certain things, then there’s nothing that I can do about it. I know how badly this hurts all too well. Try making new friends. Join meetup.com. It’s free site to join. Anyone who is unwilling to give you closure, especially someone who cut you out of their life for no apparent reason is not someone worth being friends with IMHO. You deserve better.
June 13, 2013 at 5:24 pm #104375
Hi Clara Sue-
That’s a really sad story, and I’m sorry that happened to you. What’s beyond weird is that you still have so many mutual acquaintances, and no one is talking.
All I can say is, sometimes you really don’t know what’s going on with another person. Sometimes there are little warning signs that you didn’t see until afterward, sometimes there aren’t. When my first child was born, one of my BFFs (we’d been very close for 12 years) abruptly dropped out of my life. She is a single mom, and I’d known her since her daughter was five. They were always struggling for money and I used to help her out all the time, buying clothes for her daughter, with babysitting, being the shoulder for her to cry on when she and her boyfriends broke up, etc. We were in touch all through my pregnancy, and then, when my husband called her to tell her I had the baby, I got no response.
I thought at first that her phone was disconnected, so I emailed her a picture. Again, nothing. I sent her a birth announcement. Nothing. Then, six months later, I got a mass email to me and 50 of her other “friends” announcing that she was pregnant. The dad was her new boyfriend and I hadn’t even met him. As I read the email, I started to cry. It felt like I’d been punched in the stomach. That was when I realized, our friendship had always been about her…as soon as I needed her in my life, she was gone. When she thought I wouldn’t be available to give her attention and support, she was gone.
It sounds like something has happened with your friend like this, only the other shoe has not dropped yet. I would not contact her anymore. Eventually something will come to light. Either she will drop another friend with no warning or explanation…and then people will see that she is just cruel like that…I don’t know, sometimes only time will tell. In the meantime, I would do your best to pretend she doesn’t exist. Stop checking her Twitter, don’t ask people about her, take the stuff that reminds you of her and put it in a box and hide it somewhere. If you start thinking about her, force yourself to think of something else. Eventually it will stop hurting so much. You deserve friends who treat you better than this.
March 16, 2016 at 1:53 am #167382
Believe me when I say that even the most cruel things another seems to be doing doesn’t always make them a horrible person. Yes their actions suck and leave us feeling terrible but sometimes they are so messed up themselves that they are ill equipped to deal with an even wonderful friendship. This seems to be hard to understand but I’ve been on both ends. Try not to jump to a conclusion or blame yourself. I know it is emotional and hard. A few years back a woman I knew said some upsetting things to her friends on Facebook, then deleted many of them and 3 days later was found dead of an overdose in a hotel room. You see it wasn’t her friends. She was in so much pain she just didn’t know how to deal with it. I agree there are times when people ARE downright mean, disrespectful, and ugly. But let’s face it, we probably have a very good indication that these folks are not good friends. And that’s why it hurts but trust me good people who give up on you may very well be overwhelmed with life, not as good at friendship as you, may never had good interactions as children, may still be learning to navigate the whole life friend thing. Please do yourself a favor. Continue being a good friend to others and yourself. Be compassionate towards those who handle these things so poorly. Chances are they may be hurting more than you. In any case if it is no fault on your part, this person will have much regret and pain of their own to deal with. These are only possibilities but ones that should be considered. I for one grew up in disfunction and have struggled with relationships all of my life. One thing I know for sure is that I realized that I am usually much more emotionally immature in comparison to my friends and I have to take my time reading our interactions and not taking everything to seriously. If someone still chooses to dump me it still hurts but I am more understanding now. Maybe we will not be friends forever but I try to hold on to what we have while it lasts. Life and people evolve all the time and with that you grow too. You may look back someday and be grateful it happened this way. Life is funny that way you get surprised alot. When I look back at the friend I was I am certainly not the same now. I’m happy about that. I have become a more understanding person. Even with that people still move on and it can be extremely sad but it may also be necessary for us to move on to another part of our life. Friendship can be bittersweet. Hoping we all learn and help each other when we can.
- This reply was modified 11 months, 2 weeks ago by Irene.
- This reply was modified 11 months, 2 weeks ago by Irene.
February 8, 2014 at 5:45 am #136856
Being dumped is rarely a pleasant thing. Yes its really hurts when your friend or maybe a true friend dumped you but its natural feeling sometimes rejecting you after how many years being together but it hurts cause you considered her/him as a family member then after suddenly he/she change but its ok cause he/she dont deserved your friendship. Maybe someday he/she realize that he needs you.
March 5, 2014 at 8:12 pm #138832
I had a “friend” do this to me about 6 months ago and even though it’s not a big part of my life anymore, it still hurts. Her “reasoning” was that I had attacked her over FB messaging and that was something a friend didn’t do. I didn’t attack her, unless attacking is asking “hey, did I do something wrong? I feel like you are ignoring me.” and “I haven’t talked to you in a while, how’s everything going?”. Looking back, I see that she was cutting me out without saying anything, but telling me totally differently when I asked about it.
The thing that really hurt was that I was going through a horrible time with my depression at the time she dropped me, and she went from talking to me normally one day, to me waking up to say Happy Thanksgiving to her on FB and finding out I had been blocked. I heard nothing until about a month afterwards when I messaged her from my husband’s account to ask her why. She told me her “reason” and some nasty insults and that was it. I’ve heard nothing from her since.
So now, this is the second time she’s done this to someone, and she is one of the most popular people in town, but no one seems to care that I’m gone. She once called me the other half of her brain, told me before her husband when she got pregnant, ect. Now it seems that since she dumped me, no one wants to know me. I literally have TWO friends in town, and one of them is a mutual friend with this person, which is kind of awkward. ugh, she comes off looking like roses and I look like the fertilizer.. In a small town, it’s tough.
If there is one thing to take away from this, it’s that I am never going to drop someone like that, ever. I guess I just have to wait out the hurt and let time do it’s thing, but it’s not easy. Good luck to everyone going through this.
May 22, 2014 at 12:23 pm #141332
I relate to your story so well. I also live in a small town and I have been cut out of a friends life. She is better known than me and is involved in everything. She meets me on the road and blanks me completely. It is so upsetting. We have mutual friends. I have never mentioned this to them as they spend more time with her and I really don’t want to lose everyone I speak to over this. Our sons go to the same school so we would sometimes be in the same hall together at shows etc which I feel awkward in. It had made me become so introverted and unsociable. I used to be a jolly person. The thing is when I reflect back on our past she had made some drerogatory comments to be before about my clothes or why would my son be joining a club. It was like she only wanted her son to be in that club. Anyway my son thankfully dropped out of said club so at least I do not have to face her unfriendliness there. I feel so miserable over it all though.
March 16, 2016 at 2:58 am #167383
Small towns can be brutal. When I was a kid I learned that at a very young age. It was a lonely terrible time in my life. But I learned alot. My life has never been easy. One great thing you can take away from this is becoming a good friend to yourself. There are many times in my life I’ve been alone and lonely but that solitude brought on at a young age showed me how to become peaceful with that time and too even enjoy it. We are social and need interactions but we can learn much on our own too. You may even start to see this in a completely different and unexpected light. I really used to want to blame others for my pain probably because it was the easiest thing to do when I was hurt. Maybe that was my lesson. I had to learn to become completely responsible for how I felt and dealt with myself because when you’re alone, who are you going to blame? This can be very sobering but it can also be a good way to learn independence
You can let down the mask, cry if want, not have to answer to anyone else, and take a true look inside of yourself to see what You are all about. It can be a scary and strange place to find yourself. If you let yourself embrace it though it could be a fundamental change that turns out to be good. When I hurt a friend I really hurt myself worse and I learned that I never wanted to feel that way again. I also learned to forgive myself. I wasn’t cruel, I didn’t have any bad intentions toward them. I just went through an ugly phase of jealousy that I couldn’t express. I really thought they were better off without me. See what I mean? On my own I had to face that ugly part of myself and deal with it. I still struggle with being abandoned myself. I just handle it really different now. I hurt but I assume nothing. I let people come and go in my life. I know how I felt I remember that and I try my best to always take responsibility for my actions and my happiness. I try not to expect too much from people because I know that is a mistake. I still make mistakes but I always try to remember what’s important so I don’t hurt anyone including myself.
May 20, 2014 at 2:50 pm #141281
I myself have been both the dumper and the one who was dumped 2 years ago i was friends with 3 girls 2 of them being twins. when i fought with the other girl the started to ignore me in front of her only wanting to talk to me when she wasn’t there. At first i tried to see it as if they wanted to please her but it reached the point at which they would only talk to me because she wasn’t thee and they needed the company so i became cold, distant i left the group we once were. I was so hurt we were friends for 9 years and they just forgot about me like that, they would act all innocent in front of people making me seem like the bad person. It hurt me so much that people viewed them all as being so nice and sweet when they weren’t. In those 2 years i became really good friends with this girl but 2 months ago she drifted away suddenly she wouldn’t ask about me or talk to me i talked to her a couple of times but she was really cold and distant. I traveled for a week she didn’t ask about me not even hi or have a safe flight, since i got back i asked about her but also shes being cold and distant. What hurts is that she knows what they did to me, i am one of the most private people and yet i trusted her I don’t wan’t to keep talking to her but last time this happened i got so hurt that i don’t wanna feel this pain again im not gonna lie it still hurts till now. what can i do to keep this friendship ?
August 5, 2015 at 3:06 am #157287
Everyone always goes on about women and their relationships with friends and how hard it can be when things go bad. But i have to tell you that I am a 59 year old male. I had who I thought was a good lifelong friend. I have known this man since 1967. We were great pals at school and lived near each other. We were always together when we were boys. Then I moved away in 1972. We lost contact, but then in 1985 I moved back to the area. My wife who was doing a part time bar job in the local pub at the time, met him one evening when he came into the pub and came home to tell me. Well I contacted him and we instantly rekindled the friendship there and then. We became great pals once again and during the last thirty years, my wife and I together with him and his family became inseparable. We did everything and went everywhere together. We even went on holidays abroad together. We were all such good close friends. We were even Godparents to his son. In fact I felt that we were all far more than friends. We became almost family, even when my wife and I again moved away from the area. Then about six years ago when we moved back to the area, we had to allow a few weeks to let our tenants move out of our property that we had been renting for the last few years while we had been away. My friend and his wife let us stay with them for a while until this had been completed and we could move back into our own property once again. All went well with no apparent hitches. the time came and we eventually did move back home after about six weeks. My wife found a new job and I went self employed and started up my own small handyman/gardening business. After about a year, I noticed that my friend seemed to start to distance himself rather. I just put it down to other unimportant things at the time as it would never ever have occurred to me that we would not be friends. Things got worse and worse to the point where I started to ask his wife if we had done anything to upset him at all. She insisted that there was nothing as far as she knew. I then accidentally bumped into him one day when I was out. Instantly I could sense that he just didn’t want to know me really or be there. We had this very awkward conversation about this and that. He wasn’t remotely interested in how we were and didn’t even ask me about the condition of my terminally ill father which I thought was very strange. I asked him right out if I had done anything to upset him and he said (very unconvincingly) no. But I just knew that all was not well. The weeks went by and I once again accidentally bumped into his wife and son. They then told me that had several issues about things which were so pathetic to be non existent. Certainly not things that you would simply end a lifelong friendship over. But the main one that really hurt me was the fact that apparently when we had been staying with them, we somehow tampered with his central heating system, which was an absolute down and out fictitious lie. We would have even dreamt of doing such a down right low down thing and it shocked me to think that after all those years of knowing him, he didn’t think that he knew me better than that… I was so incensed about this, that I wrote him a very long letter and as politely as I could manage (as I didn’t wish to get abusive) told him the truth of the matter, but also to a degree, wanted to put him in his place… Since then, which was now about eight months ago, there has never been any contact at all between him or any of his family with me or my wife… I know that this is normally a story that a lady might tell. But as I have no family of my own, only my wife, and no other real friends, this has completely devastated me and I feel it gets no better as time goes on. I mean I did nothing wrong to him or his family and would have never done so. It’s absolutely bizarre… I just feel so low and depressed with it all now. I’m not all sure what to do. So I found this website and before I knew what I was doing, I simply found myself writing all this down. I’m not sure what good it may do, but this site looks to be a good place to touch base with other like minded souls out there who may have similar experiences and just maybe i won’t feel so alone… Many Thanks.
August 23, 2015 at 8:41 pm #158239
I just found out that my ex best friend of 14 years has deleted me, and many other mutual friends, off Facebook today. She has deleted all but 18 of her Facebook friends, including two of my friends who used to be very close to her. I kind of knew that this was coming, as she has not spoken to me or contacted me in any way for a few months now, so I guess it doesn’t hurt as much as it could have, but it does still confirm that she doesn’t want to have anything to do with me. And I must admit, that does sting.
As I only found out about this an hour ago, I haven’t had the chance to talk to my friends about it, as they aren’t online; but I think that they will agree with me when I say that the only reason that she has done this is because she can’t stand to see that other people who used to be in her life are now happy without her being in the picture.
I know that sounds harsh, but hear me out: when I was still friends with this girl, she would manipulate almost everything so that she would get what she wanted. It was quite obvious that around 6 or 7 years into the friendship, possibly even earlier, that she stopped seeing me as her best friend, and more of a close friend at best (maybe not even that). She soon became quite obsessed with a mutual friend of ours, a friend who I am now quite close to. When she realised that this friend didn’t want to be best friends with her, and that she had another friend who she felt she could tell everything to, my ex best friend freaked and went to extreme measures to win this friend back, so much that she began to hurt everyone around her, myself included.
This other friend’s best friend (who also happened to be, and still is, a friend of mine as well) had a boyfriend at the time, and my ex best friend basically left the group with my friend’s boyfriend on a leash, leaving all three of us stunned and unable to comprehend what had just happened.
We’re more over it now than we were a few months ago, but I know that when my two friends realise what has happened (and I get the feeling that they haven’t, as I only realised that my ex best friend is gone from my list today, and she was there yesterday; and neither of my friends have said anything) they will be very upset, even if they don’t let it show. Even though we all knew this was coming, this will probably affect all of us anyway. Even if it doesn’t act as confirmation of her hatred towards us, it will still remind us of everything that has happened over the past year; and believe me when I say that these past few months are not exactly what I would call a good memory.
This is also obviously an act of spite on her part, as she knows that we are all leaving for university next month. She could have unfriended us at any time during this summer holiday, but she decided to wait until just before we are about to leave for uni. I think she has done this as a punishment of sorts, because she probably thinks that if she unfriends us a few weeks before we all leave for uni, we will be reminded of what she thinks we did to her (even though we didn’t do anything), and therefore we will be unable to enjoy ourselves and forget everything that happened over this past year, and we will be unable to move on and have a fresh start and make new friends without being reminded of her and everything that happened because we were friends with her. I know that she has done this deliberately, because this is exactly like her style. Every move of hers is planned in advance, and is cold and calculated. Trust me, I could give many more examples that are much worse than this.
I highly doubt that I will ever forget this ex best friend of mine, especially considering that I was quite close to her for the majority of 14 years. I know that this is a child’s promise to a girl that she barely knew, but as we grew up together we did become quite close, and we did have many common interests and had many good conversations and friendly debates with each other. I didn’t think that we would be best friends forever, but I certainly didn’t think that I would never hear from her again. I definitely didn’t think that she would cast me as a villain in her story.
I think I will be able to move on and find new friends. I will stay friends with the two friends I have at the moment, of course, but I feel that we will drift apart as the years go by, more because they are closer to each other than they are to me, and we are all polar opposites of each other. But I think going to university might just be my best chance at trying to get a normal life again, and to at least try and forget the insanity of this past year.
As I said before, this is in no way unexpected, but I am still rather sad that my ex best friend felt that she had to do this in order to feel happy and normal again. I do not approve of what she has done to me or my friends in any way at all, but I can at least hope that she has a somewhat bright future, and that she can get her life back on track and regain a stable state of mind.
August 24, 2015 at 7:45 pm #158317
Hey there Clara,
Nothing like a real hug but hope a virtual one can be somewhat comforting, *hugs*.
Life is segmented (3D) so we will experience a lot as we age (wish you a long life) and so each experience will be good, bad, in-betweens or combination of either but what they all have in common is they all have expiry dates. So, ‘this too shall pass’ and there are more experiences to live through and I hope more good ones than bad for you.
That doesn’t mean you can’t or won’t feel anything, but as Kloe stated, just like experiences, these feelings shall pass too, you just have to push through it.
Barely any experiences amongst humans are unique so you’re never alone in experiencing it. As some have expressed there likewise experience(s), you can find comfort in knowing that you’re not alone.
Our psychological pain and shock can blind us from feeling anything but isolated. In acknowledging that others have gone through it you can find some comfort in knowing that you are not alone in this. I have too gone through it couple of times, I hear you loud and clear.
It’s natural to want to understand a drastic, sudden and unforeseen change in our lives (relationships, environment, situations, minds etc.) because it shakes our foundation if it’s deeply routed in our day-to-day routine. Things become imbalanced and confusing, it’s like being spun around real fast and then let loose to walk a crowded street. You’re stumbling across, bumping into and tripping over until your eyes find focus (understanding over the surroundings again) and your brain can start making decisions (process/analyse what has been acknowledged). Your friend has really spun you off your axis.
You’re trying to find clarity in all this to help you balance by trying to communicate with her and your mutual friends but to no avail. This means there’s no way to find out straight from the horse’s mouth. Dead end, hurts more because you’re left struggling for the truth, what to do?
Well, some over here have expressed their opinions over the state of your ex-friend’s mentality – socio-path to just being self-centred. But what good will that do? The point is that you still don’t know why because even if they are, there has to be a reason and you need to know for sure, this is all guessing, means more confusion, right? Then of course you feel like you have been kicked out from a exclusive club regarding your mutual friends, that’s very lonely feeling and brutal.
Clarity is found from enlightenment, not religiously speaking, psychologically speaking. You have to have an insight to find definition in life, gain coherence of situations hard to comprehend at first and then gain strength from wisdom to overcome them. Since you can’t have an insight as to ‘why’, you can try having an insight into your life, there’s two sides to everything. For example, I found that the couple of times I was dumped there was actually a huge change required in my life, whatever their reason was didn’t matter because I realised that because of them the necessary transition I most desired were not taking effect because I was too busy focused on the friendship (they were very needy and greedy). I realised that since they dropped out, I got time and space to focus on things I was neglecting because of them. When I worked to make those changes and that transition, I slowly began enjoying life again, somehow wheels turned and I made new friends (smarter, inspirational, encouraging and better company), my life just expanded, got better, stronger, brighter and I felt light, refreshed, confident and mostly inspired. When friends drop out, it can hurt, but always keep in mind that it is true, some people remove themselves at the right time when your life is about to take a turn for better things.
Your friendship seemed healthy, but that doesn’t mean that there’s nothing in your life that requires changing and it could be that you have been delaying it for whatever reason, not necessarily because of your friend. So, perhaps you can take whatever that you have delayed and start/resume it every time you feel the negative emotions come or those thoughts about this awful incident pops up. You may find it that despite losing what was to you a good friendship, once your quality of life has improved her presence has little importance to you now as she just doesn’t fit into your new life thank god she left before you had to make that move yourself.
I. Find inspiration in adversity by making it a challenge:
Make it a mission to complete any task by making this incident the enemy/obstacle that you have to get over and show it has no power over you living your life fully.
“And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.” — Haruki Murakami
II. Understand that you deserve better treatment:
Lots of people distant themselves, it’s harsh, at some point you may have to do it for whatever reason (hopefully not). Sometimes it’s easier to distance yourself than say ‘I don’t want to be your friend’ so you can think of it this way, you did her a favour by not having her face you. But, your ex-friend talked behind your back it seems and if she felt that she wanted to be left alone by you, then instead of instructing her friend to do it to avoid confrontation, she could have had the decency to text/e-mail you to leave her alone politely. Make a decision today that you will not accept such disrespect and that you are entitled to have a better friend. This alone will help you feel like ‘good riddance’.
III. It’s her, not you:
Since she made a decision to dump you that means that something in her mind/life changed and that doesn’t mean it was you who did something as friends tell each other or at least try finding a way to tell each other if they have a problem with the other’s behaviour or other. She didn’t tell you that you did something wrong so that means that it really wasn’t you, it was pretty much some internal matter or other external matter. Someone I once knew had dumped her best friend because she no longer felt connected to her as they had grew apart (became too different, nothing mutual was left). That way, no matter how mean she might be to you, it’s really much to do with her and the only thing you have done is not fit the preference of whatever path she’s chosen. Some friends change but don’t realise that their friendship with some have too, they keep the friendships and end up becoming selfish and that turns toxic. This way, at least things didn’t go sour like slow torture between you two. The bandage got ripped so you can move on quicker with less damage than it could have been if it was dragged on. Your friend simply gave up on the friendship.
All friendships change over time, you don’t have control over it and solely in that acknowledgement you can let go knowing it’s not all on you – ‘lord give me serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference’
Take butterflies, depending on size, some live a year, some a month and some a week, but it filters even more and this is life’s complexity (on that note why make it more complex aye) by other factor such as climate, migration, environment, predators etc. which determine whether they live the maximum or the minimum length of their life span. So life is unpredictable at most and confusing at least, but you do not have full control over it, other factors play a role.
IV. What you don’t know can’t hurt you:
Sometimes knowing can make it worse. If she has some negative opinions about you, do you really think you would like to know? You may think ‘yes’ because you that means having the chance to explain it and clear it up, but honestly, she won’t hear you out, that’s just a fantasy. She may call you every name under the sun and you may try getting her to take that back, but the reason behind her name-calling will actually be unresolved and she’ll lash out some other way because something with her has actually changed this has lead her to have change of heart about the relationship with you, and instead of owning up to it, it can be likely she can just blame you for it to avoid looking bad.
Not knowing hurts, that I admit and have experienced but knowing can also hurt, that I admit and have experienced. The less you know, the less you have to deal with and the less time it will take if you don’t make the list of things to get off your mind and over is not long. Sooner than later, by not knowing, you will actually feel no need to want to know as the confusion and stress suddenly will be something you feel the person who mysteriously dropped out of your life has to deal with since they chose to keep it to themselves – thankfully.
V. Preferences, possibilities and probabilities:
Expanding on point ‘III’, for some over time preferences get smaller in change, for some it gets bigger. Whichever way it goes for you, nonetheless, preferences will change. Possibilities if things were the same, no guarantee that down the line you wouldn’t have had change of heart regarding your relationship with her. Maybe you both would have stayed in contact but become distant, or life naturally got bigger and you both lost sight of each other, the list goes on. Imagine that, life is delicate and it’s prone to changes, there’s always probability that many things won’t stay the same for long, some have short life-span, and eventually everything changes overall.
Here’s Irene’s response to someone who got dumped, I read it and helped me: http://www.thefriendshipblog.com/dumped-friend-co-worker/ under ‘What can you do to feel better?’ Also, read the comments under Irene’s, there are wisdoms and comforts in common experiences.
Letting go of best friend isn’t easy: http://www.thefriendshipblog.com/letting-go-of-a-best-friend-isnt-easy/
The book has seemed to help a lot of people, I am interested to read it, maybe you can consider it: http://goo.gl/42GYZA
Take care Clara Sue, keep us posted if you can and want!
August 24, 2015 at 10:12 pm #158328
Did I just post all this on a post that was made in 2012! Oh dear lord I should read and not follow on here…
August 24, 2015 at 11:53 pm #158331
- this was so long ago
August 27, 2015 at 11:01 pm #158477
This happened to me a few weeks ago. My best friend, whom I haven’t seen for over a year due to her moving to Alabama for a while and then moving back here to Ohio, texted me saying she doesn’t want me to contact her anymore because I am sorta clingy and she is one of those people that can’t deal with that (it’s one of her pet peeves, which she never told me). She also blocked me on Facebook and Twitter. Tbh, I wasn’t even being clingy. I had only texted her once that day. I just want my best friend back, and she is acting like I don’t exist. I have texted her, apologizing, and have not received a response from her. How can I get my friend to come back and be my friend again? I really miss her and don’t know what to do.
August 29, 2015 at 1:38 pm #158553
So sorry to hear that.
I think you have done what you can: reached out via text and social network, and apologised. If you keep chasing her, you will prove her right in my opinion, especially when she’s doing everything she can to shut you out. By stopping you can let her know that you have received the message, and her blocking you from social networks proves your she’s received yours at least.
It’s hurtful, I can understand that, rejection is tough to swallow and even more when it’s from someone close. All you can do now is try living your life step-by-step, it will be so, so hard at first, but keep trying to distract yourself and eventually you’ll come to terms with it if she doesn’t contact you again.
You’ll grieve and you’ll feel range of emotions, you just have to push through it all.
Best of luck Logan, sorry for what happened to you.
September 3, 2015 at 11:43 pm #158816
I totally feel the same way. She said “I Love you”!!!even hugged me when ever we parted ways. Im a guy and what she did makes ne cry to. So i did some soul searching and found that if she was truly my friend she would have at least gave a readon. But if a person is as rude as that then they were never truly your friend. At this point im mad. so what I did was go up to her unexpectedly at her locker and this is how it went down. I strait out said to her “i can’t possibly know what made you just dump me without giving it any thought. I would be open to talking about it as i listed when i was available. And then i said if you just don’t care then i wish you luck on all your future endeavours. And as an act of revenge i said “by the way, you look nice today” and walked away. Don’t get worked up about it. It happened two months ago. The fact that you trued to make it work means you were the true friend and anybody would be lucky to have you as a friend. And just remember “What goes around, Comes around.
September 23, 2015 at 5:40 am #159569
Finding this site has been a kind of therapy for me, and writing this now also, I am writing this in a house that I am due to leave in 1 1/2 weeks, (similar story to all of you)- very suddenly, my flatmate and best friend, turned around and said he can’t live with me anymore – he had been cold towards me for about 4 days before he announced this, ignoring me when we were in the kitchen together, or if I asked a question, he would give short answers without looking at me in a voice of boredom and disdain for me. It was shocking, because our friendship has been the closest that IO have ever had in my life. I asked him if I had done something, he just said no. When I said I was upset and asked him for some compassion because I was really hurt and in shock, he just said without emotion, it’s normal to live with other people. I also researched what was the best thing to do in regards to leaving our property (legally and to make sure we were doing right by the landlord, to get our bond money back too), it was a minimum of 3 weeks, so just 1 extra week, I tried to calmly compromise with him and showed him the legal requirements, which I had looked up, however he wouldn’t budge and started talking very loudly and patronising to me, and claimed that he couldn’t find a place in the second week of October and he didn’t want to pay an extra weeks rent (because our rent is due at the beginning of the month). He said he couldn’t stay living in the property longer then 2 weeks, it was impossible for him. He rang the landlord up and told him he was leaving 2 weeks and needed his bond money back, the landlord said it was okay and so he got his way. Then literally only 1 hour later he must have realised how hard it was going to be for him to find a place/pack up all his things etc, he wanted to talk and told me he had changed his mind, he wanted to stay longer, for the sake of the landlord (but it was very obviously a lie), it was written all over his face. We meet with the landlord to work something out, but he agreed again to the 2 weeks, and din’t want us to stay longer now. Anyway, I am kind of glad it is only 2 weeks now, as it feels so horrible here, I still don’t know why he suddenly started hating me so much, we both just stay in our rooms, I have stopped trying to communicate with him, because I feel his strong disdain for me and thinking I am someone really horrible and stupid. In the last conversation I had with him, I asked if he hated me – he just said no, but wouldn’t look at me (he just stayed staring at his computer screen) as I was crying – he didn’t care. It feels like everything we shared is just void now, cause how can it have been genuine, if he shows no emotion, compassion or empathy to me or even just to another human being who is very hurt? The only thing I can connect with his behaviour is my recent involvement with a guy, I have been seeing a guy for the last few months and he stayed over 2 days in a row, just as he was treating me very coldly, (he is also friends with the guy and to add a twist to the tale, the friend who is displaying the sociopathic traits, I think liked the guy I was seeing, maybe more then just in a sexual way). The guy I have been seeing is very attentive and caring and openly like me alot, which has made my ex-friend jealous? I remember we were all out one night in a group of 5 or so and I was just hugging the guy sometimes through out the night (nothing overly affectionate, not kissing even, and ,y ex-friend told me he didn’t like it and it made him feel bad, and that I shouldn’t do it), I was surprised that he told me this, but at that point it wasn’t serious with the guy I was seeing and I didn’t think there would be much more interaction with him.
Seeing the guy and his jealousy towards the relationship and his feelings for the actual guy? – that is all I can think of, cause he won’t communicate with me.- I can’t wait to leave this house, I think I’m still in shock, and I already feel myself getting depressed each day, I’m hoping a change of house will help me not go into a downward spiral over this. – Thank you for letting me share/post this, it has helped me, just laying it all out there.
November 25, 2015 at 10:03 am #162305
My bestfriend and I had a really close bond all through highschool and sometime afterwards, we were also friends with the same group. After sometime I decided not to be apart of the other two people’s lives as they were always so dramatic and upsetting myself and my bestfriend. One night I texted my bestfriend explaining that I will be distancing myself from the others, she understood and could see it coming. I reassured her that it wouldn’t affect us. I believe that my bestfriend became jelouse that I was hanging out with other friends one of them being a close friend that I had been friends with since kinder garden. One day we were all supposed to be going on a holiday together I hadn’t heard from her for a while I texted her and said are you still coming she replied saying that she no longer is that she is working in a higher level position, I hadn’t heard from her before or after the holiday. I felt really distant. By this stage I had enough, on my behalf I texted her asking to return some things I left at her house. The next morning they were in the letter box. Then I saw she had blocked me off Facebook along with the others from the group. It’s been 2 years and she texted me wantong to catchup, inviting me over her house what should I do ??
December 2, 2015 at 7:28 pm #162606
It’s a blessing in disguise. She did you a favour. Except, she’s one of THOSE people, who are to whimpy to tell you to your face, so she did it the only way she knew how, by being a coward. Pathetic. That isn’t admirable. Friends who do that, we’re never really true friends. I wonder. Maybe you didn’t feed her ego enough. lol. As stupid as that sounds. Every friend I ever had, who had a huge ego, I quickly disappeared from, because they’re selfish ways are unbelievable and unbearable. They might aswell marry themselves, as one of them would check his hair in the living room mirror, whenever he went in. People like this, like to put on a show. They like to serenade, to pretend to you that they like you, they always want everyone’s attention, they like to know what you think of them, overly-dresses, over the top, etc. It doesn’t impress me. I’m never sure that I want a friend like that. As I have to only have positive role models around me. You need to do the same. Anyway, what did she ever have, that was so special? You deserve better. Hope she damn well regrets it one day. Hope her world comes crashing down, because you won’t be there when it does. Friendship is meant to be cherished. Don’t waste anymore tears on her, or thoughts. Only be there for the people who are there for you. What sort of friend does that? Hope she grows up old and lonely 😉 Take it from Me, if she ends up having a turbulent time, don’t be there for her. You have better quality people to be thinking about. Screw her, she forgot about you. A decent human would never leave you in limbo like that.
December 15, 2015 at 7:20 pm #163249
I have been best friends with this person for about 2years or so and one of my old friends has come back to America after being in China for a year. My best friend did not like this person before she left but now the girl that went to China is becoming her best friend. We were all gonna go on a trip with a few more of my friends and originally it was me my best friend and two mutual friends. But my best friend said that she might leave to go room with the girl from China. The only Redon this upsets me is because she has openly said to me that if I was not her best friend the girl from China would be. This bothers me because I am a very loyal person and am scared of loosing my amazing friend. I’m pretty sure she is gonna ditch me but we were such great friends and now she just is bossy and kinda mean. Am I just Jellouse or does she not want to be my friend any more? (I’d like if you didn’t publish this but it’s ok if you do [sorry and than you for letting me take your time])
January 24, 2016 at 10:31 am #164885
I recently stopped a friendship. I had to do it to take care of myself. She was the type that would call every few days just to talk. She always had some drama going on and would talk about it for as long as I would stay on the phone. I always had to be the one who said I had to go. I had become her “go to” person for all of her needs. She always needed my help with something, advise on something, or just needed to vent to someone. It got to the point that I would have a plan to stay on the phone for only 15 minutes and then say I had to go. But she didn’t respect my boundaries when I told her I didn’t like to stay on the phone for long and would continue talking. I felt like I had to almost hang up on her,. It got so that I would not take her calls, then she would berate me if I didn’t get back to her that day. Then I moved and it took a good six months to go through my stuff. She did help me one day for an hour, but never offered again. When she got into a car accident, I cleaned her house once a week to help her out. Then after I moved it was my birthday. I had given her a really nice gift of original art for her birthday, but she didn’t even remember mine. I realized that she wasn’t my friend. I answered a few more calls, but it just confirmed my conclusion that she was not a good friend and I needed to step away. If you are that friend that talks endlessly about your problems and expects your friend to always be there for you, it will get old and your friend will distance herself from you.
January 24, 2016 at 1:39 pm #164886
Hey,I know your pain, I lost 2 of my best friends last year, when I went through a breakdown, it was the most horrendous time in my life and it has taken a long time to try and turn it round.
Basically, I was put on Lupron which induced menopause and what happened after that as a result but not only that was awful. I was paranoid, scared of loosing my friends (had lost one that January due to a blood clot) tearful, panic attacks, depression, and basically I was a bit paranoid with them. I also told one of my friend something minor after a lot of vodka which I apologised for and was teary a lot of the time.
One of the friend has simply never spoken to me since last April, the other sat me down in a coffee shop and went through everything I had done to annoy her, including my weepiness and paranoia seemed to be seen as trying to control. I was utterly devastated as I was really poorly, and unable to process this and know what to do. I was utterly devastated and broke down on my way home. I then apologised by email if I had upset them, Since though, the friend who met me in a coffee shop, decided not to come on events that were already arranged with mutual friends and told me she will just see me at the school gates in the future.I was utterly devastated
I am completely better now, not in the lupron,and took anti depressants and am back to myself not paranoid, not weepy and generally a happy person, still devastated I was rejected and dumped though at a time I thought I needed my friends. Maybe it was too much. I still struggle as in a couple of week she and mutual friends are off on a weekend away and of course I haven’t been invited, anything else with mutual friends she seems to avoid if I am there.
It is absolutely painful thing to get over, and I still wonder if the other friend will ever tell me exactly what her problem with me was, possibly not. Our kids are friends at school, but she declines party invites, or get together. I cant really do anymore. But my point is I completely understand your pain. I do have friends and you will that you can actually rely and you need to give them more time. I guess I was seen as a toxic friend at the time or something. In fact I just needed support Stay strong x
February 16, 2016 at 7:12 am #165996
I am sorry that you were rejected as a friend. I do feel terrible about your loss and can imagine the pain and hurt that you are going through right now. It is easy to assign negative traits to the friend that dumped you: narcissistic, sociopathic, mean, self-centered, etc. I acknowledge your side of the story, but please kindly consider your friend’s side of the story.
Your friend’s story might go something like this:
I am a nice person. I am also a caring and extremely patient person. I go out of my way to be extra nice to a friend, who is a little insecure and needy at times. I have a busy life with my husband/kids, full-time job and volunteer/PTA work. I always tell myself that I need to spend an extra 30 minutes when my insecure and emotionally needy friend calls me. Most emotionally healthy people just need a ‘yes or a no answer’ when having a conversation, but my insecure and emotionally needy friend needs reassurance and sweet talk on top of a ‘yes or a no answer’. All of our phone conversations turn into hour long mini-psychotherapy sessions and I am sincerely too nice of a person to tell my friend that she is eating away at my busy life and taking me away from my husband and children. Sometimes she cries when I am on the phone to get me to hang on the line for an extra several minutes – when my children and husband are waiting for me to join them for dinner. When I invite her over to have dinner with my family, she is not well behaved and spews her negative outlook on others. I am afraid to have her around my young children. I am afraid that if I hang up on my insecure and emotionally needy friend during a phone call, she might become hurt/angry and try to HURT MY FAMILY/FRIENDS by using underhanded and passive-aggressive techniques. I have been trying very hard to distance myself from my friend, who is emotionally unstable – but I am too nice to do so. I also feel extremely bad for her, but only a licensed professional can help her out of her dark place. I always tell myself that I should be EXTREMELY PATIENT AND COMPASSIONATE when dealing with my insecure and needy friend and sometimes I don’t tell her the whole truth about what I am thinking (my friend is an extreme drain to my emotionally well-being). I believe she is TOO EMOTIONALLY FRAGILE to digest the thoughts that I have as a regular, functioning, adult human being. I try NOT TO ARGUE with my insecure and emotionally needy friend, because she is not mentally strong enough to deal with the emotional daily hardships of life. I try not to put anything else on her plate (as it might cause her more anxiety), but THIS IS NOT A FRIENDSHIP BUT MORE OF AN UNHEALTHY CO-DEPENDENCE. After being in a friendship like this for a while, most healthy and functioning adults notice that they have absolutely nothing in common with the insecure and needy friend. Again, I am sincerely sorry about your friend dumping you. I think it was for the best. Please get yourself some counseling and let your friend move on with her life. It’s not fair to either you or her. Please let her go.
February 16, 2016 at 1:29 pm #166008
Basically there is blame that goes around on both sides. The hurt side whose been cut off without a reason and not much understanding but their own, of course they are going to label. Both sides seem to label each other and at times wrongly, because without communication, this side or the other side is going to perceive the other in a different light.
For example I can relate to Arias post, and her feelings. I also understand the responders side as well. What I don’t agree with is the labeling. If people just discussed things that were bothering them, a lot of fights between friends could be avoided.
I do also understand, sometimes it doesn’t work, but people should atleast try once to attempt to resolve something, before giving someone else a label and hating on them. It spares both sides the turmoil, especially the side that gets rejected, in chaos of the mind, in pain and confusion and depression.
Another example would be labeling someone a drain, toxic, needy and or clingy. This person having no idea because they were never told. Had they been told ” hey your messaging me daily, or too many times in a day is too much for me.” In a nice way, most people given that chance would understand things more clearly because it was discussed.
I think you should atleast try to discuss things with your friend, if she gets upset or mad at you, then you know you can’t discuss things and resolve things with understanding, but atleast you will have tried and won’t have regrets.
February 16, 2016 at 1:59 pm #166011
Edit: I’m sorry Aria, I misunderstood abit. Mainly the way the posts here changed further down and the way it looks showing the posters name. Took me awhile to realize that. What I meant was I agree with the responders hurt side, but I can also understand your side as well.
I’d gladly talk to your friend for you Aria, if it could help in some way. Otherwise you should try to put some boundaries down. Some people don’t mind talking or putting in extra time for others like your friend. You can’t put so much time in though and that’s understanding. Like phone calls at dinner time, that’s no good. I hope your friend can be understanding, so that she doesn’t loose you.
February 16, 2016 at 2:53 pm #166014
Damn. I know its hard having to deal with something like this happen to you. I know how it feels, like a bit of a punch in the chest because it really does make your heart hurt, i know. I have always had trouble keeping friends, not so much making them, but eventually you do find somebody who is meant to be your best friend. My mother told me you will never find a true friend when you make your first, you have to get through a few failed friendships and broken hearts before finding your friend meant for you. So just think that youre one broken heart closer to finding your true best friend. But before you can move on and make new friends youve gotta accept the fact that the world is a cruel place, and in a cruel place there are always cruel people. Having to tell somebody else to tell you not to contact them makes them either a coward or has personality issues. Never think that youre the problem sweetheart, because youre not at all. This person you are having issues with has got to have some sort of personality disorder, i think they might be a sociopath due to them being able to cut you off like that. Sociopaths are not necessarily violent, and sometimes people can mistake them for just a horrible person, but theres definately more to how they can just push you out like that. You need to learn to respect and love yourself before you can respect, love and trust others. Do not show others how upset you are at this time though, right now you cant trust anybody because if they can see that youre weak they will abuse that fact. Hold your head high and know that youre the better person.
February 17, 2016 at 10:44 am #166053
It was your role to try reaching out until she made it clear she doesn’t want that, so don’t investigate or dig where it’s not permitted because it will hurt more and I feel like telling you to protect yourself from all that painful experience of constantly having the door slammed on your face. If you push too much the louder the reject gets. Let it slip away gently, cry and scream, but there’s one thing I have learned from such experiences, if you are not let known ‘why’ it’s probably for the best. You know on your behalf that you did nothing wrong and you have nothing to prove otherwise, be comforted by that, that it just really could be her.
It could be that the friendship deteriorated on her end and she didn’t want to make a fuss about it. I say take the high road. Leave the responsibilities and the burden on her as she decided to take the step, let it be on her. Punishing yourself will only take it off her shoulders. If she wanted to be sincerely your friend she would have made an effort. I hardly doubt there was anything so huge that required her to shut you out, perhaps she’s just not bothered any more. Saves you the time.
Don’t torture yourself. Perhaps it’s exactly what she wants and so why even give her the pleasure.
Healing process is you letting it hurt but not focusing on operating on it. The way to let this fade ASAP is allowing yourself to feel whatever it feels like but also to try your best to move along. Don’t bring it to the table for discussion when with your friends and if you find yourself stressing over it find a distraction by keeping busy. Overtime you will be back on the lane driving and enjoying the ride.
Start by celebrating your birthday to the fullest and being in the moment with those that have bothered to be in your life. Don’t ruin your’s or their moment and even more importantly don’t miss creating moments with them because of one person.
I don’t let years matter if people turn out to be hurtful to me at some point. I only learned to do that after going to through painful moments, you will get the grip soon. You’ll be fine, take care.
Irene has posts that may help you, she explains it so much better:
February 17, 2016 at 7:46 pm #166078
Hi i’m 17 and i had a friend from norway i knowed her on a teen website and we became friends then i started to build trust with her but one day i asked about her bigest secret and she told me and i luaght but i thought she was joking at first then she forgived me and i wanted to do a good thing for her so i lied then she went mad at me and she didnt want to fogive me i just wanted to do good now she dont want to yalk to me ever again but i just cant leave her she was great person i wish she would give me anthor chance my sister tells
me forget her but i just cant what do i do
February 18, 2016 at 10:47 am #166093
On-line friendships are tricky and can get out of hand, most of them easily fade over time as it limits what you can do as friends.
1. If she is shutting you out so quickly after one mistake and toughening the road to forgiveness then imagine how it will be in the long run every time you make a mistake. Don’t kid yourself, you will make silly mistakes but should it be this tough? And if it will always be like this, virtual relationships can be soul sucking and also a way to lower the standards or quality of your life because you will be stuck to the screen trying to resolve it, waiting for responses which people have the luxury of doing when they feel like it (unlike face-to-face), and you will certainly waste your time when you could better things. I don’t know what was the lie you told but weigh it, was it really so terrible or just a wrong decision that can be discussed and resolved? If latter, think about the future.
2. If you can send a message to her keep it short and simple. Make a sincere apology to her and keep note that a sincere apology doesn’t come along with any excuses (make no excuses). Tell her that if she can find it in her heart to give you a chance then you will honour that chance by being a good friend in the future as she deserves better than lies. Wish her all the best and leave it at that.
3. Do not linger. As harsh as your sister may seem, she’s right in a way. Of course you should try to make amends but in the end you must learn to let go in life. If you grab on too tight to a virtual relationship, how will you behave in one that is in your personal space?
4. Make real life friends first. Don’t miss the chance to socially develop it holds greater value than you think when it comes to surviving in this world as an adult. Having friends in your life than on-line is far more important because you don’t get to get away with things that you can on-line. Bad habits of lying and personalising your behaviour than being natural around friends is a common practice for virtual friendships. You can never be truly honest. It’s tough to figure people out in person and far more on-line. She may not be so honest with you, have you thought of that? People play this nasty games all the time on-line, drama is the best one they like to play. You could be just another sucker she’s having tossed about in worry.
5. Disconnect from her. If you have accounts linked with her’s and you haven’t heard from her in a week, time to unlink yourself from her. It’s like a ritual of getting ex-friend’s stuff from your belongings. It releases you from that hold that keeps pulling you back. Don’t try to tag her usernames or anything, you need to forget so you can’t trace her back. Block her if you have to. Delete anything that connects you to her.
6. Start making friends and getting involved in your world, out there. Once you get busy, you will see how silly all that was and you won’t want to go back.
7. As you grow you will lose friends and gain friends until you settle with knowing who you want to be around and people you end up truly forming a great relationship with. By letting go during a tough time will build your strength over time to let go when or if it happens in real life.
On-line friendships usually don’t last very long, so think about how much it is worth to lose sleep over it. Is there anything in your life that is above this drama? If by any chance there are any rare friendships on-line that have lasted, trust me, it’s highly likely that it’s all based on fantasy.
February 20, 2016 at 9:49 pm #166156
I’m a male and my female friend did this to me several weeks ago. We went for coffee one day,she gave me a gift, then texted me a week later to see what’s up. Even for the first time, she sent me two pictures of her (appropriate ones). Then I called her a couple days later, she rejected the call and I left a message.It’s been three weeks and she hasn’t called back or texted as she would ALWAYS do in the past, which now is not normal for her.
There’s this gut feeling she doesn’t want to ever speak with me. But unlike some of the others here, I know why, but where did the trust go that she couldn’t just talk to me about it and leave the friendship with some dignity. She shared so many other things with me, it makes me wonder why she would think I wouldn’t accept her decision. As so many have said they a difficult time to understand, how does someone just do decide to never speak to someone again and show courtesy to show humanity and give your story.
Maybe in retrospect, how many of you seem you had to invest a lot of time in the friendship, maybe more? could that have been a red flag? Even though it’s only been 3 weeks, there’s this imbalance of thought “how could I have spent so much time to understand, know and develop some feelings for such a person and now question my judgment”. I think before we move on, we must not question our judgment, accept it was a bad one and move on! yeah, easier said than done from someone who’s in the “questioning judgment” phrase.
March 3, 2016 at 10:05 pm #166739
i fell bad for ALL of you guys here is a tip so if a friend is like your problems maybe go up to them or something and say hey i am so sorry if i did something wrong but plz acssep my apoligy. But if they don’t answer then give them simespace for a couple days and say when they are ready to talk then to come talk to me
hope this works for all of u bye
March 3, 2016 at 10:30 pm #166740
Id say Isabel is over this one as it happened 5 yrs ago lol.
March 12, 2016 at 9:58 pm #167235
i know how u feel ive been good friends with a friend we have been best friends for 9 years and now we have no classes together she has made many friends while i havent because she always thought i was best friends with them and that i left her but she has many friends and ive never said anything about her friends and now she says that im a bad friend i just found out and i dont know why she was probably my best friend and only good friend now idk what i would do she has many better friends than me i guess but now i feel so sad to know that she feels like that about
March 13, 2016 at 9:09 am #167254
I’m so sorry this has happened. It’s confusing and frustrating. I’ve been on both sides and currently am on your former friend’s side. Though I don’t know the specifics of your situation, I can give you some insight on one possibility. If you are interested in learning something from this experience, maybe not now but in the future, it might be helpful to take a good hard look at your role in the friendship.
Sure, it’s possible your former friend is a psychopath or a narcissist, but isn’t it also possible that something about your behavior made her think she’d better get away? In my case, I had to distance myself from someone who had no boundaries (except when it came to her), thought she was always the expert, and blamed everyone else for her problems. I know that she blames me for ending things even though I had no other choice. It would not surprise me to learn that she thinks I’m that psychopath or that narcissist, but for me it was all about self preservation.
All of which is to say that it will hurt, it will be hard, and it will suck, but you will grow a lot from looking at your own behavior without judging it. You may find something, or you may not. If your former friend does turn out to be the psychopath/narcissist, you will still benefit with this by learning why you were taken in by such a person, why they were attracted to you.
March 19, 2016 at 2:32 pm #167554
Hey I’m just getting out of depression for the first time in years, my whole reason for it was that people really seem to like me at first but then get tired of me and I feel like my current friends often only hang out with me because they feel guilty or something. For example, I have a friend who is really popular and sweet and basically has everything, I don’t mean it in a bad way but she really does, she goes around the world often, everyone likes her(including me, I want to make that clear) she’s active has a really good family, really nice stuff, is very confident, doesn’t do drugs or anything, has a boyfriend, etc. and I’ve know. Her for almost three years, never been to her house, but when I was depressed and distant, she and my other close friend would test me, if they noticed I was hiding in the bathroom, they would ignore me, multiple times I would walk up to them say hi in a nice way, nothing, I would then say what’s up, nothing, I would say, ok I’m leaving now, nothing, didn’t even look at me, I confront them later and they either deny it or avoid the subject of it. The second friend I have was worse, and can still be bad, I would be walking she would see me and deliberately LOOK AWAY AND IGNORE ME, so at first when she would do this j would try to confront her, when that didn’t work, I ignored it, and now every time it happens I just feel like someone stabbed me because I have been trying so hard to be nice and happy and not show my depression that when they still act like that around me it really cuts to the core. Now both of them are really good students, really polite, fun everyone seems to love them, my depression caused my grades to plummet so recently I have been trying really hard to get my grades up, and around Christmas my friends talked to my awesome teacher about how they were worried about me and we had a talk and I felt a lot better, they seemed to be really nice to me and supportive, and I started getting better and I was often thinking that it must have been my depression telling me those thoughts. Wrong. The second I seemed happy again it was like a chemical reaction, they went right back to ignoring me. I have a lot of examples of my second friend really not wanting me around, I. 7th grade she switched lunches so I was alone every day till I made new friends, she switched because my first friend(the one he liked more) was in that lunch, and again we shared a lot of the same friends, she would seem to fight me for their attention, she actually got together in secret to throw a surprise party for one of my besties and totally did her best to keep me out of it until it was over, and then she would constantly talk about how much fun it was, and she would totally stretch the truth of a story to make it sound more interesting when I had actually been there, and when I had done the same thing to see what she would do she totally called me out on it, so I would put my foot down and tell her she’s done the same thing and bam she stopped talking to me for a week. I tried getting other friends, and every time she finds out she’ll win them over, which is awesome but they just seem to stop talking to me too, we have our moments of fun but a lot of the time she’s just ride, and I have talked to ht about it, had other people talk to her about it(adults and children) nothing helps! I try to get on her good side and it works but it really sucks not being able to be myself around her, and I know it might be good for me to switch schools but I really love where I’m at, the teachers are really good and I can go at my own pace, she can be really nice sometimes, and I’ve gone on trips with her and stuff but when she has those moments of just acting like I’m someone she hates, it really hurts my feelings, I’ve decided just to deal with and since nothing works when I talk to my friends about it, I figured I would come online and get help coping with it, because when it’s just you, it gets really hard, I don’t care if this is private or not, I just want people to talk to
April 5, 2016 at 3:13 am #168538
I am really late commenting on this post but I can’t not leave my story here, perhaps it will only serve as a cautionary tale but it will be nice for me to share it with a bunch of strangers who will hopefully not judge me too harshly. When I was 16 I met a guy through a mutual friend and we became good friends almost instantly. Over the years it became obvious he wanted more than friendship from me, however I was not interested in him that way, at the time. At one point he got into a relationship with a girl (a girl I accidentally introduced him to through another friend). This girl was a little bit crazy and made him stop talking to me for the few years they were together. Eventually we started texting each other and he admitted hours relationship was not going well and that he missed our friendship. Again we became best friends. Over the next 8 years we became such good friends we could finish each other’s sentences, laughed at all the same things, he would text me practically all day every day. I believe he accepted that we would only ever be friends, and that helped or friendship even more. He was there for me every time a guy broke my heart, he was almost like a brother to me. I was there for him when one of his closest friends committed suicide & we drove all night through multiple states so that he could attend the funeral. A few months after this sad road trip, ten years after we first met, I did something I never thought I would do. I slept with him. It was his 27th birthday, and he was drunk, and he had grown so much over the years into a man I was suddenly and unexpectedly attracted to. During the weeks that followed this unprecedented escapade, we would sleep with each other several more times. I sometimes felt awkward or uneasy about it, but some part of me thought I was in love with him. I had loved him for years and I believe he loved me, too. I could act like a total jerk to him and he always laughed it off and forgave easily. I felt like nothing I did could ever be bad enough to make him walk away from me forever. I was wrong. In the months that followed his birthday surprise, he grew more distant. I hung on each tighter as I felt him slipping away. I had always believed that if I ever gave in & gave him what he wanted, we would immediately fall in love and be together forever. Everyone thought that. My family, his family, they all wanted us to be together. We were perfect for each other. But…within a few weeks of that first time with him, he had cut me off almost entirely. Confused, hurt, and terrified of losing my best friend in the world, I finally asked him what was going on. Why wasn’t he talking to me anymore? His answer broke my heart, as it was followed by complete silence and a total social media ban. “I just don’t feel like it.”
Ten years of trusting this man and loving him like he was my own blood, ten years of friendship, of late night phone calls, breakups, buying houses, and just plain growing up together, was over in a heartbeat. Because he just didn’t feel like it.
It’s been 2 years since we last spoke. I’m married now and have a baby, and I’m very happy. But I will never forget what I learned from this man,and I will probably never trust another man (not even my husband) completely, ever again. No matter how much you love someone, they can always walk away whenever they choose to. That’s what I know.
June 29, 2016 at 12:18 am #173338
Please don’t mistrust your husband. Why punish him as if he were that guy?
Male female friendships are tricky because of sexual feelings and/or emotional attachment and he probably couldn’t handle the change. Since you didn’t become a couple then you couldn’t go back to the way things were, everything changed the minute you slept together. What was he supposed to do with his feelings for you?
Maybe he met someone and just could not deal with his feelings for her and you. You would remind him of the emotional and physical closeness he now wants to exclusively share with someone else. And if the woman met you she’d put two and two together and, very wisely, break it off with him. No woman in her right mind would agree to your friendship.
There’s no way that friendship was going to last, so try to forgive him and love your husband completely by giving him your whole heart.
Please consider going to therapy if this sinuses for you.
I recently was dumped by a male friend after 30 years of friendship, but Inunderstand that we shared an emotional closeness that interfered with his new marriage. I’m sad about it but respect it and wish he and his wife all the happiness in the world.
June 29, 2016 at 12:26 am #173339
Oops. Sorry, I realize missed thenpartnabout your going I the direction of being a couple. That would be devastating. Maybe the intensity of emotions added to intimacy we’re so intense they scared him. That was a heavy relationship!
Still, please don’t take it out on your husband and see a therapist if this is hard for you to do.
February 4, 2017 at 6:05 pm #181470
I no this post is way back in 2012, but it was nice to read, as I am still going through being friend dumped.
Back in college me and this girl from my old school were in the same college and class together, we already new each other and we grew so close, in fact everyone use to call us ‘joined at the hip’ we were always together. We always used to fall out though unfortunately, I never really fell out with her, she mainly fell out with me and made me feel bad and gave me the silent treatment and it took me 4 days or more to work out what I had done, in the mean time I spent lunch somewhere else instead of the usual friend group because i did not like the awkwardness and didn’t want her to be on her own. She didn’t speak to me all summer when I started going out with someone, I was apparently to involved and didn’t include her as much and neglected her and my other friend mentioned that I was being annoying. After my relationship ended, we grew even closer (though we were still close before and during my relationship to a certain extent). A friend that was her friend as well mentioned something to me about what she told her, and I got sad and a bit clueless as I though I was her best friend and i shared everything with her and always said I was there for her, but I guess I was a bit hurt she never told me this thing. Anyway I said something stupid a few months later after I found out and of course she was upset with me again (I would have been to, i realise that now). Later on before graduating from college she got kicked out but she met someone and it was her first bf, they hung out a lot and I didn’t see her as much but we still arranged meet ups. the last time I saw her was 2013 christmas time, after that it faded so much, I met someone new but I still kept trying to hang out with her to, her bf said that I was a ‘bad friend’ and that i should just go away or something (Can’t quite remember this was 2014), I was very upset and mentioned it to my friend and she just said thats between you and him, i would have told him of or mentioned something to him?! i also tried meeting with her a few times but once i had no credit and dint no if it was happening or not, then she told me she hadn’t got any friends like at all. She told me she didn’t want to be friends with me anymore after a year of not seeing her and me just messaging her through facebook every other month or so, i did try to arrange meetups but it didn’t happen so, then later she just said why do we do this? why are we friends, i said why and she said why would you want a toxic relationship? we had a few arguments and we both said mean things but since then (3/4years now) I havent been able to get over it because i was never sure why she didnt want to be friends with me anymore and it hurt like fuck, and to make it worse when she said she didnt have any friends anymore she did she had me and another friend we was both friends with but she hadnt spoken to her in over a year, now there best friend and hang out together a lot and i find it really hurtful and annoying because she is my friend to. So this friend is basically piggy in the middle now, and whenever she hangs out with her i cant join in/go or whatever because she doesnt like me and i have to hear about her through my friend and if they go to a gig i want to see i cant go. I have serious friend issues now, i honestly do not trust anyone who tries to be my friend, i dont want to be hurt like this again i cant get over it.
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