Is my friend a narcissist?
December 18, 2016 at 8:26 pm #180280
I’ve been really close to this friend (who is also my boss) for 3 years but she is also my boss. When we first started to hang out she was lovely and caring. We had so much in common and she loved everything I did so I thought I was so lucky to have found her. She didn’t have many friends and I have a few so I actually felt quite sorry for her.
After about 8 months i noticed a change in her behavior. She started saying she felt sad when I went out without her and so I started inviting her out everywhere I went. One night we were heading out for dinner with a group and I was going to be late, I asked her to save me a seat. When I got there she was perched up in the middle of my friends and there was no spare seat. She looked very smug and I remember thinking it was weird and I was also a little annoyed. This sort of behavior continued over the next few months and I told my husband I felt like she was trying to steal my life and friends.
Anyway since then I’ve felt like she wears masks, she can be a lovely and caring as anyone I know and then 10 mins later treat you like I’m a piece of crap on the bottom of her shoe. She also rings and messages me constantly (usually about herself) but if I ring her she says with a rude tone “were you suppose to ring me?” as though I don’t have the right to ring her but she’s rung me 4 times that week.
Getting to what’s happened now – she has confided in me about a lot of stuff, a lot about work. I told her about a bloke at work who really disliked his superior (a guy that she also dislikes) it was what I considered a private conversation as it was out of work hrs. She went back and told our HR manager and I got called into the office as all of a sudden they are claiming it’s a bullying case against the superior. I get very upset with her and didn’t answer her calls. Eventually after a couple days I’d said I’d had enough and want to move on. She wanted to come to my house and explain and I said No. I since got a long message from her saying she’d thought I cared more about my co workers and she’s disappointed in me coz she thought our friendship was stronger than that. She said she’d miss me terribly but thinks my life would be easier without her in it as she knows she creates uncertainty. We haven’t spoken in 3 days but I miss her so much. I feel like I’ve hurt her and let her down and maybe I was a bit hasty with my cutting her out of my life. Any advice would be great. 😊
December 18, 2016 at 8:39 pm #180281
I must also add that she invites me places and then sometimes ignores me depending on her mood and she just in general makes me feel as though my friendship is never good enough for her. I’ve done so much to help her out these last few years and she hasn’t done a thing for me. She seems to have no empathy whatsoever and has even told me that her parents in law think she is a psycho. I’ve read the narcissistic traits and she identifies with so many of them but I don’t want to bring myself to believe it.
December 19, 2016 at 2:53 am #180283
This seems to be a classic case of the push-pull syndrome where she acts cavalierly towards you at times. Then when she notices she’s upset you, she pulls you back. Personally, I think expecting close friendship at work is a bad thing – you’ll seldom get it & when you do, it will be more vulnerable to office politics – as you’ve discovered. My best friends were all made at work but the key is that they only blossomed after one if us had left the workplace, allowing the friendship to flourish and breathe (or wither).
The biggest warning sign here is when she took pride of place among your friends, marginalising you. She sounds like a narcissist, but if we’re honest, all of us have a bit of narcissism in us, its just the degree that varies.
There is no easy answer – my advice would be to distance yourself, find another job, then see if the friendship survives. It may have more of a power balance then.
December 19, 2016 at 2:05 pm #180300
December 19, 2016 at 9:22 pm #180315
Thank you for your advice, at this stage we have gone our separate ways and I’m on holidays so I haven’t come across her. We’ve never had an issue at work before until now.
I guess what I want to know is if you can ever have a friendship with a narc if you have some idea of what to expect from them? If you are prepared for the manipulation and are aware of it will it make things easier?.
She is capable of some terrible mind games. There was a new restaurant opening in our town and I was invited to a bday party there but I couldn’t go to, she messaged me and said she was glad I couldn’t go because she wanted to be the first person I go there with. A week later she started Bragging to me that she went there. I was a little hurt and expressed that I was a little disappointed and she basically laughed in my face and said I was being sensitive. I feel like I’m losing my mind and there’s something wrong with me.
December 19, 2016 at 11:36 pm #180330
I think this person just likes to dominate you and see you squirm,why do you want to bother with them at all?.They are nasty.I would take measures to move away from her, just remain polite but you are now very busy and cant do anything with her for whatever reason you can make up.
December 29, 2016 at 5:29 pm #180522
The push and pull, the terrible mind games, as you say, don’t seem like a balanced healthy relationship. Who’s to say if she is a narc; it’s a spectrum disorder after all, meaning that someone can be shades of or a full blown NPD.
I’ve met a few of these types myself and it can really mess with your head and your own sanity and self esteem. I’d advise not to accept the behaviour and try and ride it out. Likely best to put some distance between you and see how things are in the new year.
I agree with what was said: she likes seeing you squirm and feel awkward or hurt by her behaviour. Some people get a real kick of out of this as screwed up as that sounds.
If it quacks like a duck it usually is…so protect yourself.
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