I stopped making the effort, havent heard from anyone

This topic contains 40 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by  charlemagnejames 5 months, 1 week ago.

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  • #145267


    i’m always the initiator in friendships, whether its just a simple text or arranging plans. i think ive come to the end of my tether, i cant be bothered doing it all anymore. i feel like people are taking me for granted. i stopped making the effort to talk to anyone or ask anyone to hang out, and i havent heard from anyone for months, ive had no plans and spent every weekend in the house. plus the thing is, despite me not asking everyone to hang out, its not like that means they themselves have no plans, they still do, but they just dont ask me or invite me along to anything. i feel lonely and unappreciated. im an introvert and yet im the one who always does all the work in friendships. it would be nice if just once, just once, someone messaged me first for a change or asked me to hang out. im not needy or constantly messaging people either, but i think its a shame that if i dont start a conversation, i’ll never hear from my friends again, at all.

    anyone any ideas what to do?

  • #145268


    I hear you. That’s happened to me and frankly, I am tired of it. Unfortunately, nothing you can do about itabout it with those type of friends. Especially ones married with kids. The ones who I refer to as “lip service” friends are ones who say let’s get together soon and never hear from them. Actions speak louder than words. I wish I had good advice, but you are not alone. Friendship is a two way street. Make time for the friends who reciprocate.

    • #145269


      This hit the nail on the head for me. I could’ve written it.

      I guess you could try to make new friends to replace the old ones…?

      I also quit initiating for the most part. Occasionally I reach out but TA getting less and less.

      I put myself in a conundrum in that I asked my oldest and best friend if she’d like to do a girlfriend getaway next summer. A resounding yes! A month later I find out she still hasn’t mentioned it to her husband. It’s been 6 weeks and no word from her. She is terrible about keeping in touch. Why did I think she would be different this time. My plan is to book the room (we own a timeshare so the room is practically free) and as the months go by and I don’t hear from her I’ll ask someone else to go.

      My husband is ok with me doing girlfriend getaways; I’ve only done one and it was fun. I long to do more of them but finding someone with finances who is not going to flake on me has been a challenge.

      It would be an interesting social experiment to “sell” a friendship on eBay. For sale to highest bidder: one washed up friendship with Name X. Delicate cycle. Delicate stomach. Bid with caution. I wonder if people would bid.

  • #145270


    i only have one friend who has a family and is ‘settled’ down now and you’re right, youll get the odd text (or youve gotten in touch with them several times over a couple of months cos you dont want it to seem like youve stopped making the effort now they have a family) and theyll say “we should hang soon” you say “sure, whens good for you?” and never hear from them again. ive had that conversation a few times and now im just used to knowing no plans will be made at all. i know people have busy lives, but sometimes you feel forgotten about and like everyones moved on and youre stuck with no new friends to move on with yourself.

  • #145840


    I have found with increasing age that you have to keep making new friends, because old friends can and many times WILL let you down. Life circumstances change, people get married, or move, or sometimes people get sick of you and vice versa. Sometime it is very painful and you feel alone. Also, I think you have to be willing to be flexible and “go with the flow” with people, especially old friends. Live and let live. If someone disappears for a while or doesn’t initiate, let it go. Try not to take it personally (difficult but necessary). Keep moving forward and keep yourself open to new friends and social opportunities If you have a long history with a friend, you will always have this bond and years will go by. You may have bumps in the friendship road but you may be able to pick up where you left off.

    In my experience, if you confront or initiate a “talk” about your friendship status with a female or perhaps even a male, depending on the person, you might as well kiss it goodbye. I have had women friends confront me, I have confronted women friends and it has *never* gone well. Those women are no longer my friends. I am cordial if/when I see them and in the beginning it was awkward, but it’s just life. Some friendships are irretrievably gone. I know now unless a friend has been egregious in her behavior with me, I won’t confront over a lapse in communication or initiation. It is what it is. Actually the woman I did confront was egregious in her behavior so I don’t really miss that one much.

    Sometimes in friendships, “less is more”. 😉

    I am 53 and single. Never married, no kids. I spend a fair amount of time alone and I feel I have to get used to it (I am used to it) because I envision this is my future unless I find a partner/boyfriend who has children of his own. I do make efforts to be social and luckily I live in a city where there are lot of opportunities to meet people but for the over 50 crowd, it can be tough.

    Just some of my thoughts. 😉

  • #145841


    Hi Sue,
    I know someone who is/was also an Initiator. She eventually got mad at her long-time boyfriend for never starting or planning anything in her relationship (and some of her friends, too). BUT it took her years to realize she was doing it to herself. How/Why? She would take over from people, often when others were willing to plan or initiate; she wanted to “help” them, and often ended up taking over.

    It was only in the past few years she realized she was infantilizing her friends, step-children and significant others. (she has a blog called “Insanely Serene”; go to her earlier entries) She had to be the Competent One. But she didn’t realize she was also giving everyone she knew the message that they weren’t able to do anything right around her.

    I am NOT saying this is you. But if you’re the one who is always initiating, look more closely at your own actions and figure out if you’re attracting people who need to be sheparded, or if you are training the people around you to let you do everything. At Insanely Serene, she’s very open about her road of self-discovery.

    For me, I had to back away from her because behaviors between us were too deeply set, and I carry my own resentments.

  • #145861


    I thought some more about the “initiator” thing.

    I think there are people who are natural initiators, and those who wait for someone else to initiate. Most people are a mix, and then there are those who lean strongly in one way or the other.

    Initiators face more rejection than those who do not initiate. So initiators are at risk for feeling down, like no one cares, like “why bother”. I think this is why many people (including myself), after years of being let down by friendships or romantic breakups, just get burnt out and end up being alone or doing things alone. I think the key to overcoming burnout is then learning to enjoy your own company. lowering your expectations of people/friends, AND learning to not worry what other people think. In my life, I have spent much too much time worrying about what other people think. You cannot please all of the people all of the time!

    When you feel comfortable in your own skin and doing things by yourself, you then radiate an appealing independence. People are often drawn to that person who doesn’t “need” them. The Law of Scarcity can apply to both friendships and romantic relationships. Of course, you can’t overdo it because we all need people and people need us.

    We live in a very individualistic culture. It’s not conducive to maintaining friendships and relationships. People are very competitive and everyone feels like they are jockeying for position, for their slice of the pic. I also believe the focus on consumerism really divides people. The internet and social media have dramatically changed how people interact (and I don’t believe it is for the better). It is difficult for people who are more social and collectively minded to navigate through friendships and relationships in this culture. More people are living alone than at any other time in the history of America. More people are single that any any other time. It is indeed a very challenging time to be a human.

    That said, please don’t lose faith. There are good people out there. Life is always going to throw us curve balls and challenges, we will all have good times and bad times. Friends can help but friends can also ultimately disappoint and unfortunately, we do often end up sometimes having to “go it alone”.

    Still, be open to new friendships and try not to take it personally when older or more established friends do not initiate with you. If you feel you are always initiating and not getting anything in return with people, let them go, and see if they come to you. And if you feel like reaching out again after time goes by, do it. The worst thing that can happen is you get rejected. And if you accept that what people do is about THEM and not about YOU, rejection becomes a lot easier to deal with.

    A great book to read is “The Four Agreements”. Hang in there! 🙂

  • #145911


    Not sure if it’s bad netiquette to hijack Sue’s post or not.
    I wonder, how much can you actually initiate without wearing the “initiator” label?

    What I mean is. Sometimes my friends are extremely busy and don’t care for activities in the weekend like swimming or restaurants, so I don’t bother inviting them anymore. Too much flakiness and hassel to bother. Then what happens is that I find myself going with their schedule (since they are so busy as they claim).

    I find it very easy with how things run (school, jobs and relationships) to fall into either the “intitiator” or “non-initiator” role.

    Like Lua, the first poster said. I don’t really know any advice on this. I do believe expanding your friends are great. Do you have any old friends who you can reconnect with?

    You can virtually find any reason to talk to them, like if you wanted to wish them a happy holiday or if a day reminded you of a memory.

    Most of the people in my experience have responded, we aren’t like bffs or anything like we use to be, but it helps with lonely feelings. I like to think if a friend who I didn’t see talk to me, I would feel nice and gladly respond.

  • #145913


    Honest question : were you happier when you were doing g the initiating and spending time with friends, or now when you don’t initiate and your friendships have dried up?

  • #148819


    I’m neither less happier or any more happier since stopping making the effort. For me it wasn’t right that with one friend in particular who I’d known since high school, has never once sent me a text or message out the blue to say hey, not once! Like how crazy is that? This person has also never once in our whole friendship asked me to hang out. They just never do it. And coming to that realisation can be like a slap across the face. I think maybe the person is scared of rejection because I don’t think they really ask any of their other friends either.

    But for me personally, not being the one taking the lead is what I needed to stop doing, because it really was one sided and unfair. I spoke to the friend about it and they didn’t respond well, so I said I’d back off and leave them to ask me to see them when they want to. That was about 4 months ago and I haven’t heard a word. It’s kinda a relief in a way because despite this person being a really good friend, I gave and gave so much to them and they didn’t really give me anything back. I introduced them to loads of new people, they never introduced me to one single person. I invited them to parties and events, they never invited me to anything. It comes to a point where you start to think what am I actually getting from this?

    So yeah maybe now I’m not exactly happy I’ve kinda lost a friend, but it’s not necessarily bad that I’ve lost a not so good friend? It’s hard cos you feel lonely and upset, but at the same time you’re relieved..

    Another friend I also told that I wasn’t going to make all the plans anymore because they repeatedly cancelled on me so I thought it made more sense for them to arrange things that suit them better. Of course they never bothered to arrange anything. I politely reminded them I haven’t seen or heard from them in over a month and they made up an excuse that they are busy and ill (she’s used the being ill excuse every other time) whereas what’s awkward for me is all our other friends have spent time with her and when they’ve hung out with me they’ve asked me if I’ve seen her and of course I’ve said no. Then I’ve felt hurt and confused that others are spending time with her whilst she never asks me once and then says excuses. I confronted her and said she’d managed to spend time with everyone else. To which she gave more excuses (apparently she just happens to “bump” into people.. When I’ve seen her tagged all over facebook hanging out with people which are plans which don’t just happen to occur..). So I told her I’ll take the hint. This is a person who for a whole summer never once asked me to hang out with them.. The only thing in each year they ask me to do is attend their birthday. So now that I’ve stopped bothering I’m assuming we will only see each other once a year, if I even bother to attend her birthday. I think I should’ve taken the hint for that one a long time ago. The weird thing is I don’t even enjoy her company and always leave feeling frustrated and like she’s sucked the positivity from me. (She’s very negative and only seems to come to me when her life is in crisis whereas she’s all laughs and smiles with everyone else and if we hang out in threes or more she doesn’t act the same way she does when it’s just me and her..) so I think I’ve just been fighting to make this “friendship” better and different when it’s not going to happen. I need to let go.

  • #148821


    I think that confrontations and what can sound like lecturing about how much time friends spend with you can be a huge turn off to people and push them away. Especially coupled with “I see you have time for so and so”. Just a thought. For me I would want to spend much less time with a person doing that and let the friendship fade.

    I agree that making new friends is the answer and maybe being more relaxed. Good luck.

  • #148832


    Yes, as Maddie pointed out confrontation rarely works. You think it will help to open up with your feelings to others. You think it will bring you closer. You think it will bring clarity. Like you, I have tried it too, with no luck. There is a former friend I want to confront now about a similar issue but I have to stop myself.

    With some friends, you have to go by their actions. If you see them out with others all the time in planned or unplanned events, yet they do not call you, what does that tell you? It tells you they are not into you. And do not want to tell you that because they don’t want to hurt your feelings. Sadly. It is painful. It tells you you have not found your perfect group of friends yet. But you will! Just not with them…

    Maybe it is sort of like the dance of dating. You meet someone and go on a couple dates to see if a close relationship is possible that you will both enjoy and benefit from. If one of you feels that you are not clicking, yet the other one wants to continue, it creates a problem, what do you do? There is the direct approach and the slow fade approach….The direct approach is for one to say, I feel we are not compatible, but thanks for the dates, etc. The indirect approach is to say nothing, and move on to dating others with more of a chance of compatability with you, and letting these actions tell the story.

    Once I was on the other end of it. I had a girlfriend from church who glommed onto me and we would walk together a few times a week, she lived close. She asked me to go to happy hour with her. I then realized that I did not enjoy her company to go out with her. The walking was OK but the more I got to know her the less we clicked, no one’s fault. I told her I was trying to lose weight so could not go to happy hour. She got a little miffed saying to me”But I know you go out to restaurants with your husband, why do you go out with him and not me? HOW COULD I ANSWER HER WHEN SHE WAS RIGHT!!!! To say the hard truth to her would hurt her. The truth was I did not like her that much to go out anywhere with her, she was OK in small doses on walks or in a group of friends but that was it. I had had her over to our home to have a snack once but was not interested enough to have her over again. She argued with me on the phone,confronting me, and then later with e mails.

    Did she think that the more she confronted me, the more I would give in and become that “closer friend” that she wanted me to be? Perhaps yes. But that is not the way friendships work. After her confronting me like that, I could NEVER bring myself to seeing or talking with her ever again!!!! It was just too unpleasant. It was like she was trying to guilt me into becoming a much closer friend than we were destined to ever be!!!!

    I have since made many more friends who I enjoy a lot of activities with and we click. But I learned that nothing you do, say, or point out, can make a marginal friendship into a good friendship. It is what it is. The best you can do is to keep looking for those groups of friends you really click with and stick with them. Also it always helps to get feedback from another person or counselor to hone up your social skills and rid you of any bad habits you may have that turn people off on you. Good luck, you can learn the delicate dance of friendship!!!! You will make better friends, I did. You can do this!!!!

  • #148836


    I really like what Julie said. There may be times when a person is not initiating for other reasons, though, like something going on in their lives. You could try saying that it’s been awhile, it would be great to catch up. Cheery and light sort of thing. If there is no uptake, then you have no choice but to respect that.

    Other than that, I would make sure your emotional house is in order, you are feeling good and positive, then get out there and find a group of friends that are a match for you. When you do, enjoy, but keep things roughly 50 50 overall after that, or you could create expectations in others, as another poster mentioned.

  • #148838


    I felt confrontation was necessary though in my opinion, because this friend was basically lying to me. they claimed they were not socialising at all with anyone, but from everything on facebook (I’m beginning to dislike using the site now..) said otherwise! yes its possibly true she doesnt want to be honest and hurt my feelings by saying she doesnt enjoy my company, but ive repeatedly said to her that im totally fine if thats the case, by saying things like ‘if you dont really want to hang out its cool, just say so’ etc. instead of saying yeah id like to give it a miss, she insists she does want to spend time with me. then makes no plans, doesnt contact me, hangs out with everyone else. i think im right to feel confused and hurt that shes making up excuses and lying about her social life. if she hadnt said she wasnt socialising then yeah i wouldn’t have confronted things because i would’ve gotten the hint, backed off and left it.

  • #148844


    Well done Maddie, nothing to add. Lottie

    • #148852


      I agree with Lottie regarding Maddie’s post. Well done, Maddie. I have nothing to add either.

  • #148849


    Sue, your friends do not have to explain their social life to you. Personally I would block you on Facebook and end the friendship.

    I have friends I see a few times a year and I initiate and we go to lunch and have a nice, light time. I would never dare to say to them you don’t call, you go out with others, etc.

    I had one friend with your behavior who was lecturing me and I chose to drop that friendship. If I see her I day a hello. That’s it.

    People gave busy lives and you have to realize you are not foremost. So what if you are the one that initiates as long as you enjoy the company

    When you are confrontational and demanding with people you will drive them away. They will lie just to make you stop.

    I wish you well. Look to your own behavior and be happy if you have a friend to call that is happy to meet up with you. Stop monitoring people on Facebook and calling them out on their own life choices. This situation is not about friends going out of their way to be mean to you.

    Good luck.

  • #148855


    I too dumped the friend who was trying to confront me and monitor my behavior. I blocked her on FB and never spoke with her again. Maddie is right. Do not critique others for their own life choices. Friendship is purely a choice, not an obligation.

  • #163362


    Yes, I would not drop a friend unless:

    They hung out with others but not me.
    They were toxic.
    We had nothing in common making it feel awkward.
    They dumped me as a friend.

    Otherwise, there are many times it is good to talk things out!

  • #163368


    I have been reading in this thread about people getting angry because their friends are not wanting to get together often enough and people moaning about people with kids etc that they dont see their friends enough?. Well if you are not matched well with a friend and dont have common interests,its time to re evaluate that friendship. Married people with kids do get busy,and their family comes first which is natural,of course single people dont understand this concept.Maybe single people need to look for other singles as they will share common interests and life choices?.The simple fact is life takes us in many new directions and our friendship circles change according to many factors such as having a family of our own,where we live,our interests etc. Personally I dont like intense friendships myself, I have a small group of friends whom I see every few months and that’s fine. I like it because there is something to talk about when we meet up. We are all from different situations, a couple of them are in their late 70s and widowed, 2 are in their late 50s single no kids, Im in my mid 40s.We are from different situations but it works because we are not too intense with each other,there is space, we can text any time if we want to though,but we dont really. We are all living our own busy lives doing whatever.We are mature adults who do have respect for each other as well. I think if you are on social media,and looking at what others are doing constantly and measuring your friendships this way,you will be disappointed anyway.This is quite immature. I like old school contact myself by text or ph. I got rid of my fb account and its better that way. People need to chill out and respect each other more and not be so intense it does drive people away. Dont expect life to stay the same because it cant and it wont thats just unrealistic too.

  • #163393



    Yes, this is a place for us to speak our minds. But it must be done in a respectful way. Name calling another poster and making it personal between the two of you, does not help Sue either. And, it makes it uncomfortable for the rest of us who are reading what you both are writing. We are not here to target or point fingers at anyone.

    It is unrealistic to agree with every post. You can respectfully agree to disagree, and not turn it into a war. Everyone is entitled to his or her opinion.

    I hope this clarifies things for you.

  • #163398


    What bothers me is when people stop making time to see you (however sympathetic the reason)and then gets upset when you become distant and move on from the friendship.

  • #163638


    Weird coming back to this thread after having time to think and grow. I don’t know about some of the replies that were made and deleted? But no matter.

    Yes I understand my behaviour was probably too needy and wouldve pushed people away by confronting them about their lack of effort.

    I think all these issues I had stem from the loss of close friends, meaning that these people I knew vaguely were the only people I had left, so I clung to them through fear of losing more friends and being alone. I was in a relationship where my partner repeatedly told me all my friends “secretly hated” me behind my back.. I think this made me very paranoid so I pushed everyone away.

    Losing a lot of friends makes you want close friendships with people in your life that you don’t click with at all.. And you end up being frustrated because you just want a best friend, someone you can laugh and be happy with. I didn’t have that with these people.. I kept trying and trying, when I should’ve realised there was no friendship chemistry and we weren’t gonna be close.

    So me initiating everything was me desperately trying to have a close friendship because I’d lost that, but these people didn’t really care about me or weren’t bothered, because we didn’t click, so of course gave 10% whereas I gave 90% because I was so desperate to regain a close friend…

    If any of that makes sense ha sorry. I tend to keep to myself now and am trying to change my behaviour and lower my expectations. Just meet people, see if we get along, if we do great that’s cool, if we don’t then no big deal, just stop trying to make it happen.


  • #163663


    I know the feeling about people not making the effort to keep in touch. I think maybe it’s because they would rather spend time with someone else. I have pretty much stopped trying and feel very alone. My husband has several sisters but they don’t include me in their activities. They have long time friends and I guess they don’t need any new people. They don’t really know me well but I still think they just don’t like me. I am a very shy person and it has always been hard to make friends in the first place. I really don’t have any family to speak of at least not where I live. So I wonder if it’s worth trying to make any friends at my age as it seems everyone already has their social groups and they don’t need any new people.

    • #175036


      Hi Sue,

      I am glad you started this thread because I get to know that I am not the only one who is in this situation!

      It gave me strength to find out so many people, regardless of their marital status (so it is not just the single ones!) that face this same problem.

      Initially when I encountered this, I was very angry and tried to control or demand for more time. It backfired. Just a moment ago I took on the thinking that I am no longer a priority in their lives (maybe never), so if I am not, then I should let them go!

      I just unfollowed these friends and also exited myself out of WhatsApp chat group. Although it is scary, I feel that it is also the best to just go with the flow in life and make new friends. It is hard, never easy, but the best way to move on. I don’t do confrontations – never ends well anyway and it is a waste of my energy (and might increase more wrinkles – not worth it).

      Most importantly we must learn to be comfortable by ourselves even if we have no close friends. I have just written a post on my blog http://www.thesecretwriter.com/daily-challenges/learning-to-discard

      Hope to hear from you and others who might be keen to drop by to read this post.

  • #168414


    I feel the same. All my old friends have drifted away. Too busy with kids etc…my kids are older. My friends are always busy when I ask them to do something but always out with their new friends. I deleted my social media account so I wouldn’t get upset at seeing them hang out having fun with others. I didn’t even have a 40th part because I couldn’t be bothered hearing everyone’s excuses of why they couldn’t come. I can’t give any more…..I will just hang out with my kids and dog.

  • #168428


    I read your words and they gave me comfort. Sadly I too reached the point where I don’t want to bother anymore because sick and tired of being rejected. It never used to be this bad. I am wondering when did it go wrong? I don’t have many friends and the few I have on FB aren’t real friends. I stopped posting because I don’t want to share my life with people who clearly don’t care about me the way I did about them. I know this may sound depressing. I’ve always been such a bubbly chatty person. I can’t hardly recognise myself and it’s so sad. What can I do ? If I say something to somebody I could sound too melodramatic so I keep everything inside hoping for better days.

    • #169347


      Hi Cindy, I hear you, exactly the same thing is happening to me and its not at all nice. I was the one always keeping in touch with friends, texting asking if they are OK etc…. Trying to arrange meet ups, BUT it just hit it that no one was really reaching out to me. Why is this? Back in the beginning of the new year, I decided to delete my fb as no one was really making an effort, they are too busy talking about themselves. Its sad when you live close to people who I thought was friends, but they never seem interested in going out, yet they do go out as its all on Fb! I don’t understand it, I want some lovely friends who understand me, like I take an interest in them. Things have definitely changed. It feels to me when your no longer any use to these friends, they drop you without a thought about you. I have one good friend who I meet up with once a week for coffee and that’s my social life. I do have a husband and boys, but sometimes I need female chat and company. I work and have things to do just like everyone else but where are these friends? they seem to be doing things without me now, which is hard to take. I’m fed up of always trying with them but don’t know where to go to find new friends, or I could just live my life like a hermit!

  • #169367


    I also feel I could’ve written the initial post. My ‘friends’ don’t deserve my friendship anymore and I simply won’t put myself through it. So, I stopped all contact (even shut down Facebook) and withdrew. It’s only been a few weeks now but if these were real friends they’d have noticed and might even care.. I’m lucky I have my best friend around all the time (my Wife) and one other best mate who shows he actually does care by like, making contact with me and visits *
    (Yes, like an actual friend!)

    Respect yourself people! Those fake friends don’t deserve to have anything you have to offer

  • #175043


    My two cents- I think deleting posts and asking both participants to move on is a lovely way to resolve it when a discussion turns into an argument. (Not that Irene has to run her forum how we think best from the sidelines anyway).

    Fwiw, I was on a forum that had no moderation before and it turned into the nastiest, most horrible place. Most of us left.

  • #175044


    I just posted this and it ended up somewhere in the middle of the thread. So now I’m wondering why it came to the top of the list anyway when the last post appears to be very old. Hmmm, nevermind then, I guess.

    My two cents- I think deleting posts and asking both participants to move on is a lovely way to resolve it when a discussion turns into an argument. (Not that Irene has to run her forum how we think best from the sidelines anyway).

    Fwiw, I was on a forum that had no moderation before and it turned into the nastiest, most horrible place. Most of us left.

  • #175941


    hi i just needed to vent a little, but i am having the same problem. I am always the one who asks my friends to hang out or do something and i feel like if i don’t they find other plans that don’t include me. Lately its like they don’t even have time for me at all and soon we are all moving away for school. I just feel so lonely and its really starting to get to me. Im to scared to stop initiating because i don’t want to lose touch with them because i really do love them but at the same time I’m getting tired of it.

    • #177198


      Hi Mary, I feel exactly the same, but friendship should be a 2 way thing. I’m getting fed up of it too. They don’t think to reach out to me. Its sad situation to be in but we shouldn’t be always reaching out to them all the time. At least you are moving away to new schools, so you be able to make new friends. I’m still here but they don’t reach out. I used to think I had lots of friends here, but I haven’t. They have all shown their true colours, I have one good friend here, and thank goodness for that! Its hard to make new friends here, as we live in a rural area and I have family comittments with children and work part-time. I do reach out to others though, but they don’t seem that bothered about me. If I don’t contact them for awhile, they don’t miss me enough for them to get in touch with me. Sad but true.

  • #177390


    I just found this wonderful website and forum, and looked for this topic because it’s exactly what I’ve been going through for several years now. I had invested so much of my time and love, and when I needed something simple no one could be bothered. I took the hint and went away. I was very happy when, several weeks later, 2 friends from that group reached out separately and made plans with me. Then, one of them stood me up. When I texted from the restaurant, she said her kids were sick and she’d forgotten and was SO SO SORRY. Then I heard nothing from her for months. The other cancelled our plans at the very last minute (I was almost out the door when she called), and also didn’t get back in touch to make it up for months. When they finally reached out, I said I was busy and couldn’t make plans that week. I was angry and hurt, yes, but also knew I was letting them off the hook since their actions were so clear. It took me a long time to get over it, but I was able to move on and even to forgive, accepting that they just weren’t as interested in my friendship as I was in theirs.

    Fast forward to the next time I saw the 2nd woman. It was at my son’s graduation this year. She did not have a graduating family member but was there as part of the service. When I saw her, I surprised myself by giving her a big, sincere smile and feeling only love for her. She gave me a tense, tight-lipped smile and turned away, never looking at me again.

    I did not contact her about it, but it really shocked me that she was holding a grudge since I did nothing and she was the one who wronged me. A few weeks later I heard her father (whom she was not close to and had a difficult relationship with) had died. I sent her a card, with sincere love. I’ve never heard from her since.

    I have not been able to move on from that. It stays with me. I can accept that someone isn’t as into the friendship as I am, but accepting that someone is unfairly holding a grudge and seemingly blaming me for the rift is harder to release. I do not want to contact her. What’s the point? I just want to have some peace. Being burned so badly by so many people has made me unwilling to keep trying. I have only one somewhat distant friend in town. Does anyone have any suggestions for how to get past this?

  • #179006


    I am the same,
    I have this one friend who will not make any effort to make any plans. She is always texting and giving me Instagram shoutouts saying how we should catch up but never does anything. Now I just feel sad, angry and wondering if I should even bother. She encourages the plans but never makes them and I want that to change. I want to confront her but I don’t want to lose our friendship because we have known each other for so long. Whenever she does come over she is rude and disrespectful. We don’t know what to do together or what to say. She’s keeping so many secrets from me. Ever since I moved school. 🙁 Should I give up? I am literally writing this before I invite her to the movies.

    • This reply was modified 6 months, 3 weeks ago by  M.J.D.

    • This reply was modified 6 months, 3 weeks ago by  M.J.D.
  • #180218


    I am so happy to have stumbled upon this forum-makes me feel so less alone in my struggle to understand friendships! I feel the same way as all of you. If I don’t make the effort in my friendships then no one else seems to. In my situation, I have a small group of friends who I have known for a while. We all started out at the same school with our kids and through the years people have moved on to different schools, but I am the common denominator. this group is my core group, but each of them have other groups. This can cause problems for me because when they are off with their other friends, I am stuck with no one. On an intellectual level I understand how this works, and it is my own fault for not being part of another group, but I tend to have a few close friends instead of a lot of acquaintances. Christmas time just makes me sad. I host a party every year and they all come and we always have lots of fun, but after that-nothing. No one reaches out to me in return. No one reciprocates probably because they are off doing things with their other friends. Maybe they think I am as busy as they are? I have been tempted MANY times to tell them how I feel, but as I read, it rarely goes well. People are attracted to others who don’t seem to need them-not the other way around. I am comfortable with being alone, but I am just frustrated at wishing for something different. Anyways, I am just happy to be here!

  • #180265


    Hi Sue, this is a very common problem in life, unfortunately. I’ve been on both sides of the argument. I’ve been desperate to hold onto friendships where the person intrigues me & I’m ‘platonically infatuated’ & I’ve had friends who’ve made effort with me but I’ve never sufficiently reciprocated

    Recently, an introvert friend of mine, who I’ve always felt very fond of but always kept relatively at arms length for reason there wasn’t any ‘passion’ in the friendship from my side, pointed out, in a very understated and humourous way, that he was always the one who organised get togethers. Crucially, this wasn’t done in a blaming, accusatory or guilt-inducing way, but all of us got the message. Because I like him, and he’s a good influence, I’ve made a concerted effort since then to initiate contact. I can see he really appreciates it, but never comes across as desperate for friendship, which is hugely important.

    On the other hand, I have a very needy friend (another introvert) for whom I feel deep affection, where he was originally very needy but because I reciprocated in kind, he’s backed off & almost keeps me at arms length. The balance of power has shifted noticeably, and not in my favour.
    Sadly, we shouldn’t have to think of friendships as ‘balances of power’ but that’s effectively what they come down to, particularly among men.

    My point is that less is often more. It might be good to point out your organiser status to your friends when you see them again, but in no way should you ever make them feel guilty or awkward, as his will push them in the opposite direction. Then sit back and let them come to you. Those who are worth anything, will. Those who don’t… well, all I can do is caution you to remember your sense of pride. It’s a sad fact of human psychology that the more available you make yourself, the less valued your company actually becomes, even among people who value friendship as much as you clearly do.

  • #163344


    Upset your thread was closed and trolling? Have fun!

  • #163361

    Crystel Gill

    There was nothing trolling about my post. It was the truth and the truth can only be told by unkind words sometimes. I guess this site does not like hearing the truth.

    Maddie you are not a good friend and your advice was not wisdom. To just ignore grievances and drop people because they expected to be treated like a human being and not a game piece is just awful. Have you ever heard people say if you are not born into a good family then create one? Most people do not have a loving family, so as you get older you get to pick and choose what kind of friends you want in your life. Aristotle created The Golden Rule, Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. I know when I am picking and choosing friends his logic is always deep in my thoughts. You think you are following The Golden Rule? I would never drop someone because this person had an issue with me. I would hear them out and listen to what this person had to say. What type of friend would I be to ignore them and act like they are made of stone? Just a thought.

  • #163365


    @Maddie and @Crystel,

    I closed the other thread because it had gotten accusatory and personal—which isn’t useful to most people who read these threads.

    Please stop responding to each other.


  • #163373

    Crystel Gill

    With all due respect Irene, but to have a discussion you need to be open minded about topics. Not everyone is going to agree with what everyone is saying and to just delete things because someone has a different point of view does not mean that point of view had no merit. This was about helping Sue to begin with right? I thought that Maddie was not helping at all, just putting her down.

    Is this a safe space where everyone has to agree with each other or a place where people can get their issues heard and not have to accept one sided opinions?


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