Friendship Trio woes

This topic contains 5 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Suzanna 4 years, 4 months ago.

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  • #80989

    Jen C

    Hi – I’ve been involved with a mom trio over the last 3.5 years. The first two years were always very casual – moms coffee dates, play dates, kids b-days, a few family picnics.

    In the third year, my husband landed a position out of state. Mom A seemed personally offended by our move, never wanting to discuss it and often pretended as if it was not happening when the subject came up. Mom B on the other hand, took it in stride and embraced the change and naturally, we bonded during that time and even more so, after moving.

    It’s been 6 months since my physical move. Mom B and I have continued to grow closer, even with the distance. Mom A and I have not necessarily grown apart but I feel like I am tolerating the friendship now, esp. because it seems that our friendship was based on proximity and not ‘friendship’. I try to express myself, tell her about the move, people I’ve met and she refuses to listen. She only wants to know about the weather and how the kids are doing – surface stuff.

    I sometimes feel that I want to ‘end’ the friendship with Mom A but also feel like I would put Mom B in a really awkward situation.

    Any suggestions, comments?

  • #81032


    Boy, one thing I don’t miss about toddlers were the ‘play groups’ – oh the drama sometimes! This may sound crass but if you don’t think that you will be moving back and the friendship is too draining, you may just want to consider a ‘brown out’ on your friendship with Mom B. What I mean by that is you start taking longer in your return correspondence with her and consider which phone calls / emails are necessary to respond to. In this manner you can allow Mom B to respond in kind and the friendship should take the natural course thus slowly fading out. If Mom A asks about it, you can talk about the how busy you are getting adjusted to your new surroundings, certainly not an incorrect statement I would imagine. Mom A should understand your need to prioritize your time and can mirror your discussion when it comes up during play dates with Mom B. Also this allows you to be able to pick up the friendship or stay cordial with her if your paths cross again.
    If you feel like you are just not at the point where you feel like backing off the friendship with Mom B then perhaps it may be helpful for you to direct your conversations with Mom B toward topics that interest you as well. I know as a busy Mom myself there are friendships that I could live without but if I want to be a good neighbor or just be able to look at myself in the mirror, I know that I may have to spend some time with these kind of individuals. Even in today’s world, it seems like we still socialize in packs doesn’t it? (If am friends with Mom A, B and C, it’s difficult to ignore Mom D and E that are friends with the rest of the group even if they don’t fit my personality / needs.) You’re advantage is that you really don’t have to interact with her if you don’t want to – it’s not like you don’t know who is calling or who the email is from. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been in the mall or grocery store and I see ‘chatty Mom D’ – I grab my kids and say “oh dear, I meant to go look at something over here” and the dash out of sight for fear of being cornered by one her exhausting stories that lasts fifteen minutes longer than it needs to. I’ll bet you have already done this, but have you asked Mom A for advise on how to steer your friendship with Mom B in a direction that works better for you? Since she knows both of you I’ll bet she may have some sage advice.
    Any way you decide to go, I never like completely shutting a door on a friendship; you never know what fate has in store after all. While I’ve never had the misfortune of dealing with an absolutely caustic friendship, I imagine that would be my only exception on ending a relationship for good. I wish you the best of luck – let me know how it goes 

  • #81034


    By the way – I believe I may have switched Mom A and Mom B – hopfully you can figure out what I meant either way. Sorry for the confusion!

  • #81086


    Hi Jen,
    Consider yourself lucky to have moved! Now you have the perfect excuse to fade out the friend or friends that make you uncomfortable. I agree with the reply above, just take your sweet time in responding to the friend you don’t care to be involved with. It will fade out on it’s own.
    We are thinking about moving and I told my husband one of the benefits of the upheaval will be to drop some “friends” and busy-body neighbors who I can hardly tolerate.
    Good Luck!

  • #81170

    Jen C

    Dear B & L:
    Thank you both for your replies. I really appreciate your advices. Yes – I have taken much longer to reply back to Mom A and so far, it seems that she is calling MORE with passive aggressive voice mail message (often times my husband laughs and says, he feels sorry for her husband). Only for me to return them to let her know I’m busy. The last time, she told me that she can’t imagine what I can be busy with, considering that I don’t know anyone up here. I just bit my lip, shook my head and raised my hands up in disbelief, and then excused myself from the conversation. I then found myself at this blog because I googled “friendship trio”. hahaha. Who knew?

    I like B’s idea about mentioning it to Mom B in a casual way. I will have to think about that avenue.

    L: I also think that moving, from my experience, has allowed me to create a whole new network of healthy friends. Drop some and keep some.

    THANK YOU so much.

  • #81300


    How fare did you move? that makes a big difference..would you still be at events together?
    I think you should -I know this is alittle different from the previous advice- why not try to improve the relationship with Mom A…just maybe you moving has been a loss for her, that she doesn’t know how to express…I think if you called or whatever, and told her I miss seeing you, hate that that chapter is over, but hope ya’ll can commit to keeping in touch…
    I think others will agree- a lot of times when someone moves away old friends never call, very out of sight out of mind situation…at least she has tried to maintain the connection..
    I don’t mean to preach, years back I burned some bridges I regret, now I am trying to ask myself how I can be a better friend verus asking how they aren’t being a good friend to me..


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