friends who run hot and cold
May 16, 2011 at 12:32 am #7358
I had a friend like that. It’s jealousy, pure and simple. Put her behind you and move on with your life. I kept this friend for years and I was sorry I did because she hurt me deeply.
May 16, 2011 at 4:03 am #7359
I also had a close friend who I used to talk to, text or email daily who suddenly cut off communication many months ago. We are neighbors and have a fairly social group of friends in our neighborhood. She has alternated between giving me the cold shoulder when she sees me or being friendly and acting like nothing has ever happened. A few times she has suddenly started communicating with me and I thought we were on our way to reconciling, then she suddenly turned cold again. Now she is suddenly trying to be friendly again. I’m tired of the emotional roller coaster, so I’m not falling for it anymore. I am cordial but trying to distance myself from her as much as possible. It is difficult because I’m afraid this is going to impact my friendship with some of our mutual friends, and I’m afraid that ultimately I am going to be portrayed as the dumper instead of the dumpee.
May 16, 2011 at 7:46 pm #7373
Maybe the friend you are talking about wants to remain civil in a group but does not want the one on one close friendship anymore. That is so painful! I know–that has happened to me before. But it is very hard to spell out to someone else what is wrong. Maybe they don’t want a confrontation. My advice is to move on and find others you can have fun with. I doubt your mutual friends will blame you.
May 20, 2011 at 1:27 am #7394
I have a similar situation at work, and I am genuinely sorry for your loss. I know the situation is so painful and embarrassing. You deserve friends who really care for you, not ones who enjoy your friendship for a reason.
One of my colleagues at work has seemingly been a good friend to me for years, but suddenly I’m beginning to think she doesn’t necessarily value my friendship as much as she values what I do at work. I’m the workhorse of our group, and often do work that in other departments would be done by my friend. I realize after reading many of these posts that she has been distancing herself from me for a while, but pays enough attention to our friendship to make sure I continue working in my position and don’t “stray” to other departments. I’ve noticed that she never calls me, never stops by, only asks me to stop by and see her if she believes that I am drifting away. I think she doesn’t want me to drift to another job, not drift away as a friend. When I think closely of the things she has said to me, I believe she has been honest in saying how much she values working with me, not how much she values me as a friend. I believe I need to be a better listener and realize that is what she is saying. I’ve enjoyed our friendship enough that i think I wanted to hear “friend” instead of colleague.
Now I’m ready to listen. Frankly, I’m with all of you who say you’re tired of the emotional roller coaster. I’ve decided that if she is distancing herself from me, it will make it easier for me to create some distance also. I’m tired of feeling awkward when I get together with her and others, kind of like I’m imposing. It’s hurtful and embarrassing. We all usually ate lunch together but I’ve noticed that unless I include myself, she doesn’t call to include me. The group I’m involved with are my friends through her. However, every time I drift too far away, she tosses out the net and drags me back in. I don’t want to do this anymore.
In conclusion, I have many friends outside of work who are consistent and involved with me, so it is easy to see the difference. Any suggestions — I would love to hear. Kathy
May 23, 2011 at 5:03 pm #7415
I read this and it so resonates with my situation, that I actually winced as I was reading it. I have a toxic friend who only calls when she needs something or wants something. So, not really a friend — except that we are part of a larger group of friends. And every time she senses that I am pulling away from her and that larger group, she renews her efforts to reel me back in. I am rather perplexed as to what to do….I think most of her efforts are to ensure that she looks good to the larger group…not because of any actual concern about me or our friendship. Love to hear if others have had similar experiences. In this case, I can’t ever seem to successfully maneuver past the roller coaster.