Friend who doesn't accept responsibility
October 23, 2016 at 9:02 am #178862
I just read Lauren’s recommendation of the book “Dumped,” about friend dumping, and it made me think about how, as women–particularly as those of us who are older–we are trained to think that we are responsible for whatever happens in a relationship, whether in romances, friendships or familial relationships. And even when we don’t think we are responsible, we will sometimes accept the responsibility, even if we’ve done nothing wrong, in order to smooth things over. (Learning not to do this has been a real struggle for me.)
Lauren notes that some women whose stories are profiled in this book have thought that they were responsible for being dumped, when sometimes it turned out that there were things going on in the other person’s life about which they knew nothing, that the dumping had little or nothing to do with them personally.
Well, this caused me to think about the friend I call my “Main Drain.” I’ve written here about her rages at me as I’ve withdrawn from the friendship. One thing which has always struck me about her is how she never accepts responsibility for anything that happens in her relationships. She has lost friend after friend, but I’ve never heard her speculate for one minute that she might be responsible. This has, of course, also been true as I’ve withdrawn from her. I have even told her the reason I’ve withdrawn is that I can’t endure, emotionally or physically, her horrible explosive rages. (There are other reasons, too, but that is the most dramatic one.) Unlike most women I’ve encountered, she seems to think that whatever she does is right, and that her friends should just accept her sometimes truly vicious verbal assaults and proceed as though they never happened.
I am just commenting here, because there is nothing which will change this woman. She is truly toxic, and all I can do is withdraw. Lauren’s recommended book just made me think about how unusual this friend is in her inability to accept one iota of responsibility for losing friendships.
October 23, 2016 at 6:28 pm #178878
I don’t understand the purpose of this post.Are yous still upset with her ?
May I suggest something here ?
Why don’t you examine the way you participated in this demise instead of making about that friend ?Try to identify your lesson and how you will preserve yourself .
I don’t know about the history but I did learn that letting go helps .Letting go and focusing on our own responses to how people behave in our lives .Maybe that one person who ticks you off showed up in your life so that you can learn or unlearn something that you needed .It has a purpose.Try not taking it personally and not focusing on her losing friendships and taking responsibility or not because you cannot control how that person behaves but all you can control is your reaction to her behavior .
November 30, 2016 at 9:44 am #179849
That is a great reply. I needed to hear that myself. All I can say is, I agree that you can take a lesson from this (yes its painful, but less so if you see it as a lesson in self growth). Try to move on, I have been feeling the same as you and driving myself crazy. Time for us, leave the selfish/ignorant/etc to learn in their own time and dont let it burden you any more. 🙂
October 24, 2016 at 3:55 am #178886
The lesson we can learn from those kinds of “big babies”, as responsible adults, is that in order for those babies to grow up – we need to stop nurturing them.
A draining person can only remain one as long as someone keeps enabling them. Sure, they’ll throw a catastrophic tantrum as soon as you pull the milk-bottle away from them, but that’s the moment we get to test out our own spine.
When we feel like we are the victim to her emotional manipulation via tantrums and draining, aka too fragile to take away the milk bottle, then maybe consider it’s time to take responsibility, once again, and admit that we are a part of the problem too – time to figure out what it really is within us that stops us from saying “no” to that person or those aspects of her that keep draining us.
Most possibly this person will not randomly dump the milk-bottle and put on their bigboy pants on their own just because the universe knows it would be the right thing to do.
Like all people – the big baby can ADAPT to the environment around her – us, as a part of that environment can either fill it with warm honey milk-bottles or something bitter and cold for change. If there is no other outlet, she’ll adapt, no problemo.
This doesn’t mean you need to become a mean and a cold person – this means you decline to her things and doings 100% that completely exhaust you. You just let her stuff bounce off you like a ball you do not intend to catch.
November 26, 2016 at 7:36 pm #179756
“The lesson we can learn from those kinds of “big babies”, as responsible adults, is that in order for those babies to grow up – we need to stop nurturing them.”
I like that. That is soooooooooo true when it comes to me. I kept encouraging the my ex friends’ behaviour and that is why I ended more miserable around them.
October 24, 2016 at 3:59 am #178887
There are many people like that, Kate. They have a sense of entitlement. They can do no wrong. They can treat you any which way they want. And, when you call them on it, they cannot take it. They lie and deny deny deny. (Sound familiar?) You cannot talk to them, because they know better than you and they are always right.
As time goes on, we see that we did our best to preserve the relationship, but no matter what we did, nothing seemed to work. That it is not our fault. It is best to just walk away sometimes. It is not worth the stress and anxiety.
October 24, 2016 at 10:24 am #178905
It is best to walk away all the time if someone has latched onto you for years and continually drains your energy and has less then nothing to ever offer you. We don’t always do this. But why put up with draining abuse from the mentally ill? Let them find another sucker to drain, abuse, and waste the time of! There are plenty of other folks who would welcome a sucking, unpleasant, irrational, mentally ill, selfish, user of a drain. Let the drains go to these people.
October 24, 2016 at 5:03 pm #178916
Good advice from all,it doesn’t get than better than what has been written.
Kate it is time to switch off from her. Everything revolves around her life.
She doesn’t give a fig about you. If she did she would see how mentally drawn you are. She has one drama after another and lays it at your door. You haven’t been too well with whats has happened in your life,but no, does she put you first like a true friend would….NO. Because you allow her your time. It is relentless, block her now Kate for your own good.
Take care. Lottie
October 25, 2016 at 9:25 pm #178945
Yes, it is now time to get away from your Main Drain. She has tried to hurt you for too long.I recall she tried to persuade you to ingest Tea Tree oil, saying that it would end your stomach troubles.How awful, and on and on.Shut the proverbial door on her. She is a manipulator, and she most probably enjoys manipulating and hurting you. It is shameful.Let her go out the door and let peace and tranquility in.
October 26, 2016 at 2:29 am #178957
Yes, your main drain does want to harm you even if it is deep in her mind. People who are going down hill or going in a negative direction in life will always, some way, some how, drag you down there with them. She was correct in that Tea Tree oil would end your stomach troubles, because drinking it would KILL YOU! And therefore you would not have any more troubles of any kind!!!!!
October 26, 2016 at 5:37 pm #178979
You may put up with her because you still care. You are a kind person. Know, you are not being mean by letting her go, especially when she has proven to be a bad friend time and time again.
I don’t think she will go away on her own. You are a huge source of energy to her, and like Jacqueline said, she can treat you however she wants with little to no consequence. I believe the tie will have to be cut on your own end, as this friendship has to much to offer her.
In order for us to become the best we can be, we have to separate ourselves from the things that weigh us down.
October 27, 2016 at 7:09 pm #178998
The way you describe this person sounds like classic narcissism. The rages, entitlement and zero responsibility for actions are standard traits for these kinds people.
Given the chance, they’ll put the boot in at any opportunity and then bizarrely act like nothing happened a week later.
Best stay away.
November 8, 2016 at 3:00 pm #179293
November 26, 2016 at 9:12 pm #179759
I hear ya!
I never had a friend that would rage but I did have friends who were narcissistic as hell and manipulative too. I think there comes a time in our lives were we no longer want to do anything to them, for them and about them. We just want to silently disappear from their lives because there’s a strong faith that you will have a brighter future without them. That feeling didn’t come to me when I was kicked while I was down for the umpteenth time by them, it came to me when I lost the willpower to deal with them because finally I understood that I needed to be responsible for where I place myself and who I put myself next to.
- This reply was modified 5 months ago by Florence.
- This reply was modified 5 months ago by Florence.
November 27, 2016 at 3:59 am #179769
I thought I had a close friend once. She was very selfish and lazy but I still enjoyed visiting her and it was nice to have someone finally to hang out with after always being alone. I couldnt seem to make any friends so I was glad of it.
She turned out to be a psychopath and narcissist. I had to end the friendship eventually as it was really destroying me. Then I saw an even uglier side to her, very vindictive and also paranoid. It broke my heart as I really cared for her.
She will never know how much of a good friend she had with me, or now much she hurt me. I’d have done anything for her. I know I did the right thing, and I deserve better; but now Im all alone and cant seem to make friends no matter how I try. I had no self esteem or confidence back then, but I do now. Ive pushed myself out there at the deep end and been very proactive at trying to meet people, it has taught me many skills and people seem to like me. However, nothing I do is getting me any friends, aquiantances or anything.
November 30, 2016 at 10:27 am #179850
Yes, you did the right thing. It is better to be alone than with someone who is destroying you. (And I know just what you mean by that.)
I am sorry to hear that you’re having trouble making new friends. It is often quite difficult, because even though people like you, they may have such busy lives that they simply don’t have time for a new friend, or even much time for a new acquaintance. It is good that you now have self-esteem and self-confidence (to say the least!), that’s the important thing, so that you will not make new friends who are dysfunctional, like the person you described. (I have to say that even as I continue to struggle with some long term difficult friends, I am very happy to report that none of the new friends I’ve made are narcissistic drains!)
You just have to keep trying, keep meeting new people, greyowl, and one day you will have new acquaintance and new friends. You are going through a barren stretch now, but know that this won’t always be the case. It’s just like looking for a new job: It can take time and be discouraging, but you keep trying. In the meantime, do feel free to vent about your experiences here, if you find it helpful.
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