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Dread seeing the ex-BFF again

This topic contains 9 replies, has 7 voices, and was last updated by  Suzanna 11 months ago.

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  • #2126 Reply

    iizvor
    Participant

    My friendship with my ex-BFF ended a little over a year ago. She did things that caused me a lot of hurt and disappointment. I’m doing better than I was a year ago, but I’m still trying to work through some of it. The worst part is that I still have to see her occasionally. I try to keep my distance as much as possible, but one thing we have in common is our bunco group. Last year it was very uncomfortable for me to be around her at these outings. It was so bad that I was ready to quit the group, even though I get along well with everyone else there. Then, lo and behold, she left the group due to some family issues. It may sound mean, but I was much happier once she left the group. Well, now she has decided to come back and rejoin. Our next outing is coming up, and I have to say I am really dreading it. I thought I’d be over this feeling by now, but I find myself wanting nothing to do with her. Seeing her still brings back some painful memories. Now I’m back to thinking about quitting the bunco group. My husband keeps telling me not to let one person ruin it for me when I get along with everyone else. I should be looking forward to these nights out and having fun, but instead I’m dreading them and feeling tense. Is it crazy of me to quit the group? Will I ever get over this?

  • #9063 Reply

    Anonymous

    Nah, don’t quit. That just makes her ‘win’ in the cosmic universe. If she was mean to you and its over- pretend youre acting in a film or something! Lol pretend she is a stranger- act as if you have never met her. Ignore her unless she is in your face- then say hello- and look away and walk away. it will make you feel better.

    i probably should be telling myself all this, easier said than done huh. But i guess you have to take away the power from them.

    Ex- friends have done enough damage- its a pity they continue to ruin so much.

    Don’t quit- give your husband an extra cuddle before you leave for support and smile and talk to other people and she sucks anyway.

    I havent quite gotten into a situation where i see my ex-friend- not looking forward to it. have images of wanting to tread on her foot really hard or shaking her till she has some kindess and common sense knocked into her. that wont happen of course!! urgh.

    im trying to get over the looking at their blogs and twitter accounts. Sorry- that is shaming isnt it. And i had been so good this week- but a sick part of me cant help look at their feeds and see what they are up to. Has the idiot realised how awful she is. I mean she wont- logically she thinks she is queen of the world- which she isnt- BUT a sick part of me is still grappling with why arent you miserable like me over losing our friendship. She isnt. Until i get that into my resisting head- i will continue to torture myself till the hallowed time heals all.

    I do feel a little better though. weirdly- i am more upbeat than i was…..my posts are more perkier right?

  • #9065 Reply

    Liz
    Participant

    Iizvor if it is making you upset, instead of quitting (I’m with Kloe here- don’t quit) could you plan to not go to just this one? I’d avoid any that are held at her home, but otherwise, take it one outing at a time. Maybe it won’t be so bad. You will eventually get over this –
    Liz

  • #9066 Reply

    lacole
    Participant

    iizvor…Dont quit!! This will only show her the power she still has over you…my ex-bff and I had a final falling out months ago..I live in a small town and am actually surprised I have not run into her by now…but when things were rocky in the past between us, I always stayed upbeat and positive when I knew I would run into her…I gave myself a pep talk as the prior poster stated, and held my head high..smiled and chatted with others and made it appear I wasnt bothered by her at all…in fact, recently she called to wish my son a happy b-day and when I called her back, I was very upbeat, positive and said everything was great! I will NEVER allow her to get the best of me again and even it it mean “acting” alittle as stated before, then do it. Breathe a sigh of relief after in the car on your way home and pat yourself on the back for being strong. Why should this ex friend affect your life anymore negatively then she already has…

  • #9130 Reply

    iizvor
    Participant

    Thanks everyone for your advice and words of encouragement. I did end up going to bunco. I have to say that I almost backed out at the last minute, but I came back and re-read your posts for encouragement. I am glad I went and I had a good time. Of course I was lucky this time that I never ended up at the same table as my former BFF, so I never really had to speak to her. I know I won’t always be so lucky… but like you said, one outing at a time!

  • #9541 Reply

    INTMO11
    Participant

    This story sounds all too familiar. I’ve been in a similar situation. I have an ex-friend that I have to see more often I would like. (never again would be ideal) It’s true at first it was very awkward and very uncomfortable, especially since she would do things to try to annoy me, but I refuse to let one evil spirited person affect how I interact in my life. Why give her that power? Every time I see her now, I dress up & make sure I look good which gives me inner confidence to be the happy person I am. My personal happiness comes out being around everyone else and I’ve learned to block her out of my sight. Don’t give this person the personal gratitude that her existence impacts who you are. Be strong and happy for the other friendships you have. Make her feel unsignificant to you. Plus imagine if you are uncomfortable, she is likely feeling the same although she may not show it. Show her you don’t care. These feeling will go away one day, it just takes time. Best of luck.

  • #9543 Reply

    lacole
    Participant

    I hold my head high…appear to be happy and great no matter how I might be really feeling inside at the moment…I recently saw my ex-bff at a local town event…I appeared chatty, friendly and happy…talked with others that were there and other then a quick hello to her, I said nothing else. I wont EVER let her know that some days I still feel down and upset about what happened with us…not sure what she thought…whether she believed it or assumed it was all an act…I guess that doesn’t matter…

  • #9854 Reply

    LearningCurve
    Participant

    Hello, I completely understand your predicament. These ex bf situations are worse than a romantic breakup – when you have to continue to see them because you share the same friendship circle or know people she also knows. I think that’s what makes it so much harder. It’s like you’re getting over her and then bang you have to see her again and it brings up all those hurtful feelings. But I agree with everyone here, don’t quit your group, having those friends are really important. I like Kloe’s idea of pretending she’s a stranger, be polite, but be an actress and act like you don’t know her very well (and don’t plan to). It’s possible that if she sees how close you are with everyone (especially since she’s been away for a while) she might decide she’s not that comfortable and it’s not for her.

  • #81279 Reply

    gina

    I know I am a little late, as your post has been a long time ago. But my only advise is to Forgive her in full. Don’t get caught up in the ex friend power struggle games, you won’t win, and what prize do you really get? Nothing. The best thing is to release her and give yourself peace that you did what you could and she just wasn’t a good person, which is NO reflection on you. I had this same thing happen to me and lost 5 friends at once. After looking at it, I realized they weren’t really friends, friends love you and even when you are struggling, they stand with you to help you through not leave you or cast you away. So this one was the one who let you hurting, think about why she was your friend? What was it the drew you to her? In the future ask yourself, is this a person who has the character that I want in my life or is this just another friend like my old one. You deserve good people in your life. So step out of the ashes and find them.

  • #81293 Reply

    Suzanna

    I am right there with ya, ladies! But I think this is one place we can take a cue from guys (I doubt I have ever or will ever say that agin!), and I mean young men, think college guys…
    Try to imagine how a guy acts- when he has not called, never asked you out again or did something awkward- and you bump into to him, just acts like it never happens..not rude or distanct just Oblivious!
    When I see my Ex..I more acts happy for her, ask questions about her family BUT ask as many questions about the other ladies….and I say the same thing, “Girl, I have not seen you in forever, how the kids?”…if somebody asks if we still talk..I say, ” No You know I would love to hear how she is, I really ought to get ahold of her!”
    I always want to be certain, I don’t fuel the gossip fires!

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