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Comfies Part 5

This topic contains 159 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  Bubbles 2 weeks, 5 days ago.

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  • #180689

    Bubbles
    Participant

    Hows about we start another chapter for the New Year!!!


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  • #180692

    Jacqueline
    Participant

    I’m in!!!! lol


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  • #180694

    justbella
    Participant

    Good idea to start the new chapter for the New Year!

    I hope that your first day back at work after vacation went well, Jacqueline.

    Yes, your spa friend did try to use religion to get you back, Julie.


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  • #180695

    justbella
    Participant

    While posting on “Comfies,” my eye was drawn to a recent response Irene made to a young woman who wrote in asking how to keep friends when you have a mental disorder. I was impressed by Irene’s reply, and noted she began by saying that it was good the young woman had insight into the fact that her issues might impact her friendships. Yet again, I was struck by the fact that the M.D. refuses to acknowledge that she has any problems! Irene also mentioned that the young woman could address her concerns with her therapist. Well, of course my M.D. is seeing the church counselor, but is trying to prove to her that she doesn’t have a problem, so that the counselor will give her a “clean bill of health” for the medical record.

    As I read the young woman’s question and Irene’s reply, I realized, yet again, what a bad situation I’m in with the M.D. And it’s also just such a weird situation, because she IS seeing a therapist!


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  • #180699

    Bubbles
    Participant

    Kate, yes, it depends on the therapist i think. At the spa we could get free counseling if we wanted it since things would come up when you begin to be able to think clearly from eating only raw vegetables and juices for a week. The friend got the free counseling but she told me all she talked about with him was how to help her bi polar companion. And they tried to suggest the electronic device that cost $5000.00. She seemed to fall for everything that comes along. She used to sell essential oils. She was involved (she said) and lived for years at three different cults, one in India, she says. One she had to pray 16 hours a day. Two more texts thanking me for telling her about the health center. I did not respond. Im glad it helped her. Perhaps that was the purpose of the short friendship, just to bring her there. At least it is not a cult. It is 25 degrees here and im putting out thawed hummingbird feeders every few hours. The little birds need food!


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  • #180700

    justbella
    Participant

    Hi Julie,

    How nice of you to feed the birds! That’s why we always do at my father’s place.

    It does sound as if your spa friend is searching for some way to find peace, to make her life better. Sad that she had to resort to cults a couple of times. It is generous of you to feel that maybe this brief relationship was meant to happen so that she could find some peace with what she learned at the health spa. My bet would be that she will continue to search, though, because I think she doesn’t grasp that she needs to change from within. But, yes, the health spa experience seems to have enriched her life for the moment, and that’s for the good.

    The situation with my friend’s therapist is such a weird one. Her church has a counseling center, and she sees someone there who has a master’s in divinity, not in psychology. There is a psychiatrist who meets with my friend once every six months, to check her medication, but she is largely going on what the counselor says. And as I know you must be sick of hearing, my friend is only seeing the counselor in the hope of getting her to write a letter for her medical record. She hopes this letter will balance out what is already in her medical record from the hospital doctors: Bipolar 1, involuntarily commitment, potentially dangerous, etc.

    At any rate, I was just struck by the difference between my friend and the girl who wrote Irene. I wish that my friend, like this girl, were someone who had self-insight, and who was concerned about how her behavior might impact her friendships.

    My hubby is at home sick today. As usual, he refused to see the doctor, and then went into a bad sinus infection by the time I finally got him to go. Now he’s on antibiotics, but has only been on time a day. These infections are scary to me. I knew someone at a stable who had to be hospitalized for a respiratory infection; he seemed to be kicking it, but then his heart gave out. I think the infection had gone to his heart. And he was only in his forties, and physically fit.


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  • #180702

    lottie
    Participant

    Hi Bubbly Kate and Jacqueline,

    To let you know I am here now,but left my last message on 5 moments ago.

    Bubbly the friend seems quite dangerous with money and up for anything.If it’s not diamonds,or interior design projects it seems always costs money then no doubt returns it. The good thing Bubbly you are taking no truck with her,she will eventually I hope drift away.

    Kate I hope your hubby is taking it easy and you are smothering him with love.Take it easy Kate its pampering time. It is damp and cold here and work tomorrow. Hope all is well Jacqueline you baby and kitties. Lottie


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  • #180704

    justbella
    Participant

    Hi Lottie,

    I read your post here and the one on Comfies 4.

    LOL about your D thinking the church has nothing left to teach her, that’s she’s on a higher plane of existence. And also about her reaching for the biscuits, etc. And being so loudwhen she talks and with her cell phone. And, yes, she didn’t like your attending the service, because people responded favorably to you.

    Once again, I have to say that our D’s are “twins separated at birth.” My D would have behaved exactly the same, exactly. Regarding cell phones, have I told you that she always has her on speaker? In the past, she would call me from a restaurant where she loved to go to stuff her face (I see her and your D constantly eating, constantly trying to fill their emptiness in some way, constantly draining). Well, it turned out that she was talking to me with the phone on speaker, so the people sitting next to her could hear the entire conversation. I hated learning that, and they hated hearing someone else’s conversation, of course. Not to mention that she always shouts when she talks. On a number of occasions, she would get into arguments with nearby diners who asked her to be quiet, please. Sometimes, a manager would be involved. Now, a normal person would have been embarrassed, but she just thought that the people who were asking her to be quiet were being unreasonable. And, just like your D., Lottie, she actually loved having all of the attention focused on her: That of the outraged diners, that of nearby tables, that of the manager, of me, etc.

    Harking back to religion for a moment, I respect other people’s religious beliefs, but I don’t like it when someone claims to be “holier than thou,” while treating those around them horribly. Also, my D. makes bargains with God. When she goes on her crash diets, she says that her arrangement with God is that if she loses weight, she will have blessings throughout the year. This is her typical entitled view of things. Other people lose weight and are happy with the weight loss itself, but for her, weight loss has to involve a bargain with the Creator, who then will be so pleased by HER weight loss that she will receive other blessings. The weight loss isn’t enough for her.


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  • #180725

    lottie
    Participant

    Sorry Kate wasn’t able to log back in last night yet ok into any others,puzzling.The screen says ERROR with server.

    Hello to Jacqueline,Bubbly and all.Hoping the New Year is going well for you.

    Just doing some D talk with Kate. The saga continues,lets laugh.

    The Ds are so alike it’s unbelievable. One thing I must add is that my D is rake thin.Her siblings call her “bones”. Smoking and drinking keep her going.On saying that any food up for grabs she is there first, putting it into mouth and bag.She eats when visiting people then starves when not.

    Sit down before you read this Kate….I was once out with her and my sister in a tearoom(years ago) she picked up a bottle of HP sauce and passed it to me telling me to put into my bag. My sister was shocked(nothing she does shocks me anymore). Obviously I refused.She put it into her own bag. Totally unnecessary and ridiculous.She spoils herself with her cheapness and lies,and thieving.As we left the strap on her bag snapped. So embarrassing.Its those cheap tricks she pulls which also let her down.Why the heck she does it I will never know.Sorry to say I would never ever include her to a party at home,my hubby would go mad.Plus she is so loud and boastful,she can’t help herself.Often she says she isn’t a snob. It is like reversed snobbery with her,if you get my meaning.She has no regard for others feelings.Her trumpet is forever blowing. All avenues lead back to her!!

    Plus she hates me to think she drinks,saying rarely touches it.Yet I am 100% positive without any proof she was plastered Christmas Day.Says she doesn’t smoke yet does it smells on her clothes It is almost as if she wants me to approve of her.We have a drink most nights and have never smoked yet she knocks our life style,disapproving of what we eat. Just like Bubblys friend dictating how she eats.

    On BD she started ending her words and speaking in a phoney voice ,it sounded like a foreign language,I even thought is she drunk from the day before.Infact I near asked why she was speaking in a funny voice.

    As for being “holier than thou” she if possible would have us believe she is in private contact with God. She says she remembers having lived before,so I asked WHAT it was like actually dying.The jargon started, probably that was when I nodded off.

    Between us Kate we could write a book of experiences with Ds.Lauren was correct in saying we should stop calling Ds… My D. If we say just D it would refer to either. My hubby is laughing saying she is like a Cherry Picker on a building site but reaching for food and drink!!

    Oh and yes I got mixed up with C4 and C5 yesterday.

    Hoping your hubby is feeling much better. Take it easy Kate hope you have had a laugh. Lottie


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  • #180730

    Jacqueline
    Participant

    Great to hear from you, Lottie, and sounding as feisty as ever!
    Reading about all these Drain behaviours, made me think that you and Kate should collaborate on a book “How to Unclog Your Life From Drains”, and have a section with “Julie’s Lists To Live A Better Life”!!!

    How is hubby today, Kate? It makes you wonder what is wrong with these men, who let themselves get so sick, before finally agreeing to see the doctor??

    Baby Lou is doing well. My son continues to send me pics, although I would much prefer seeing the real thing. He has not invited me over (and I will not ask, since he keeps mentioning how “tired” they all are, and when I had mentioned coming over while I was still on vacation, he started spouting all these “rules” they have. Oh, and the best was he said, “This is not about YOU, Mom, it is about (girlfriend’s name) and Lou!), yet in the photos, I see all the visitors who have been over. So, my walls have gone up higher, and I am distancing myself once again.

    I am glad I have my own new little baby, right here.

    • This reply was modified 1 month, 2 weeks ago by  Jacqueline.

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    • This reply was modified 1 month, 2 weeks ago by  Jacqueline.
    • #180769

      lottie
      Participant

      Hi there Jacqueline Bubbly and Kate,

      Sorry to not be able to log in.Here now. At the end of the last post there appears a large box,this doesn’t happen on the odd times I try to comment,there is no box and says… log in which I do,yet am able to post on all the others.Today I pressed the circular arrow at the top of the page that has helped.

      Jacqueline,I am so sorry to hear of yet more stress relating to your son and his strict rules. To see photos on Facebook is so hurtful. You have so much love to give.A mother like you is something to treasure.Take a back seat like that party at the witches this time a year ago where you were not invited,but your son was.You have your kitties. Bide your time Jacqueline it might also be his partner poking her nose in and pulling his strings.Has she got her mother on the scene,just a thought??

      I can imagine the hurt you feel,it will not set you back you are a force to be reckoned with. Out of curiosity do they live far away,could you not call in,or has girlfriend made it “by invitation only”???? Take care Lottie.

      Ps I am reading and answering as I go along to catch up!!


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  • #180732

    justbella
    Participant

    Hello Lottie and Jacqueline,

    First, thanks for asking about my hubby. He is getting better, since he started the antibiotics. Any time he’s ever needed them, I have to mount a campaign to get him to see a doctor. It’s exhausting.

    Lottie, that is too much about the D lifting a bottle of HP sauce!

    My D (easiest way to distinguish) went through a period of being fixated on free pens; but then this extended to her thinking that whenever she bought something she should get a free pen–and of course most places do NOT give out free pens. She would ask people if she could have their pen when she would fill out credit card receipts. It was so bizarre.

    I think they are both like cherry pickers!

    Jacqueline, I was just floored when I read about your being discouraged from coming over to see Lou, especially when you see photos of others visiting. Do you think the girlfriend is into trying to establish some sort of weird turf thing? I am so sorry about this. I hope that she snaps out of it. Her hormones may be causing her to behave oddly. I am very glad that you have Star right now. This harks back to what I was saying the other day about our pets often being of more comfort, being more responsive.

    Speaking of walls going up, last night I was talking to the Minor D, and even though she has behaved well since her scene right after my birthday, I can’t warm up to her. Although this is sad, I think it’s a good development. I can tell that she notices.

    Even if it’s sad to withdraw, it’s healthy. Even with the MD, we used to have some fun, warm times, but only because I kept forgiving her and forgiving her. Forgiving her was okay, but the error was continuing to let her back into my life. Even if the case of your granddaughter, Jacqueline, I think you are right to put up some walls in order to protect yourself. I do hope an invitation is issued soon, however.


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    • #180771

      lottie
      Participant

      Hi there Kate,

      Have explained to Jacqueline about not getting logged in then I have to catch up.

      Yes M also begged pens when we were out with my sister,infact anything that is free she grabs.It is nauseating to say the least. Glad your hubby is on the way back to the land of the living. Do you know my hubby is what I call a wimp. Remember the film ET when he says OUCH,that is the word my hubby says if he even knocks himself.I tell him to pull his self together.If he has a cold he seems to snivel for my attention.So annoying,especially if I am here writing to Comfies.Always manages to want to know what we are at here.Maybe he thinks I have a gentleman friend ha ha.

      I feel for Jacqueline it reminds me of that party last year when she was couped up in her room and people using her bathroom at the witches. This is very hurtful and I like you feel for her.Wish we were all closer.We would use some good choice words I bet.

      For sure Jacqueline will get an invitation.

      Take care Kate,I am answering as I go through the posts so forgive me if it looks like I am being ignorant. Lottie


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  • #180736

    Bubbles
    Participant

    Jacqueline! A new kittie!! How great! And they are friends your two. I have 2 and its better than one. Kate and Lottie , yes, drains really have their quirks dont they. My spa drain always returns stuff after using it,mgets into plays, etc free, goes to the timeshare meetings just to get the free trip, copied all her things at a store sinnce she would not buy a copy machine/ printer. Yet brags about all her money. She told me my hair would look better shorter and curly. I did get it a little shorter butbit can go curly or straight. Once i wore it straight and she got upset asking what happened to the curls!!!! I had to twll her i sometimes flat iron it to get a different look or curl it too for variety. But why should I have to explain!!!??? Its crazy. My husbands colonoscopy went well, clean bill of health. I had to take a nap after that because of all the support i gave him eating jello and drinking clear liquids, bringing him there, etc. it has been quiet here since i blocked two of the drains, the spa one and the money borrowing one. They can text if they want to. Have a good day all!!!


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    • #180772

      lottie
      Participant

      Hi Bubbly,

      Just having a glass of your namesake, hubby is snoring away. Sorry to hear about your hubby and so glad he is absolutely well. It is worrying when they are not supposed to be well and releiving when they are.

      Your return friend has a cheek taking things back.Going on a timeshare holiday are very hard sell. Years ago we were in the Gambia and got talked into visiting a new TS site whilst there. They near locked us up and even bombarded us with phone calls when we came home.No thanks.

      Your D tells you about your hair just like mine saying with a smirk it looks like a horses mane.Hers looks like Norman Helmet,lets laugh!!! Take care just catching up. Lottie


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  • #180737

    justbella
    Participant

    Hi Julie,

    Glad the colonoscopy went well! And now you can recover. Ha! I feel as if I’m recovering from my hubby’s sinus infection, after all but carrying him to the doctor.

    I think it’s great that you can vary how you wear your hair, and that you enjoy a change of look. I think that’s much more interesting than wearing it the same way all the time. BUT, the point is that it’s YOUR hair.

    Yes, Drains are really users, Really something that the spa Drain brags about her money, but takes whatever she can. And I think they also love to tell others what to do. Over the years, mine has told me how I should decorate my place (her own is a disaster), what I should wear and even told me I was wearing the wrong color of blush. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind constructive suggestions from a girlfriend, but this is more of an attempt at a military coup, where I HAVE to listen to what she says.

    Once she told me what piece of furniture I needed to put in my study, saying SHE had never seen me use an old tack truck I had there. Well, 1. I had some projects I was working on stored on top of the trunk, but I didn’t want her to see me working on them. 2. That trunk had been handmade for me by my father when I was a kid. 3. I did not want the ugly piece of furniture SHE wanted me to replace the trunk with.

    Also, I had a wall-mounted microwave which gave up the ghost, and when I wanted to replace it, discovered they no longer made models like that one which attached to the wall. So she told me I HAD to get these big ugly metal brackets to hold up a new microwave like the old one. I said I didn’t like how that would look. She said, “It doesn’t matter how it looks.” Why didn’t how it looked matter?! It mattered to me. She said, really angrily, “Well, you HAVE to do it!” I said I didn’t have to do anything, but that if I did replace the microwave, I would just get one for the counter. (She was really invested in my having a microwave, since she used to spend weekend here at that point, and was worried she wouldn’t be able to heat up things quickly when she wanted to.)

    Oh, yuck! How did I tolerate her for so long? I kept making excuses for her, and kept thinking I could endure her bad behavior.


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  • #180753

    Jacqueline
    Participant

    Good Morning, Dear Friends!

    Glad to hear all is well with the hubbies, Kate and Julie. When it comes to their health, they are like big babies! No wonder they wear us out!

    Reading your MDs weird obsessions and behaviours is really something. At the time, we did not recognize it the way we do now. You were both trying to be a good friend to someone who was wacko! Also, in order to be able to accept how they treated us, we just kept raising the bar on our level of tolerance, so that we would feel “comfortable” and more accepting of what they were doing to us.

    Kate, I met my best friend for lunch yesterday. She had a gift bag for Lou. We talked about alot of stuff, and then I said to her that she must be wondering why I have not mentioned my granddaughter. Oh, she noticed that! I explained that everything I had discussed with my son before she was born, about him not leaving me out, and me wanting to be a part of her life, was now becoming reality. I asked her, “Where is that feeling of becoming a grandmother? I don’t have it. I feel nothing, thanks to .all the “rules” my son and his g/f have put into effect. I feel more for my new kitty! At least my animals love me unconditionally! And do not tell me what to do, etc.”

    As I was saying all this, my best friend broke down and started crying. I was emotional too, but no tears. She felt so bad, and like you said, Kate, my best friend says she believes the girlfriend is the one behind all this. I find it hard to believe, as there are so many times she has been so kind to me. “She was only pretending!” proclaimed my friend.


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  • #180754

    justbella
    Participant

    Hello Jacqueline,

    I can understand why your best friend was crying, because you are such a warm and generous person, full of love to give and share with your granddaughter. You were so eagerly anticipating her birth and so thrilled when you met her. You do not deserve this treatment, and your son should speak to his girlfriend, if he hasn’t already, and explain that it is important for you, him and your granddaughter that you be included.

    Your son and his girlfriend don’t realize how lucky they and your granddaughter are to have you. Also, you have been kind enough and open enough to forge a friendship with your ex and his wife, which makes the whole situation much easier for all involved; there would be no awkwardness at family gatherings with your granddaughter because of the ease with which you can meet with your ex and his wife.

    I bet the girlfriend is jealous of your position, so to speak, and wants to establish her turf with your son and the baby. You son should tell her that she can’t allow other people to visit and then not allow his own mother to visit. You are not an overbearing person; there is no reason for this exclusion. I really wish I could speak to your son! I know he wants to please his girlfriend, but he shouldn’t allow you to be hurt like this. It’s not as if you want to move in with them; you just want to visit! I am hoping that he will come to his senses, that he will think about all that you said to him about fearing this would happen, and that he will do the right thing. Lou isn’t just his girlfriend’s baby; she is his, too, and he has some rights.

    Again, I am so glad that you have Star. It’s as if she was meant to come into your life at this time.


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    • #180755

      Jacqueline
      Participant

      I thank you for your support, as always, Kate. I agree with everything you said! BUT, (there is always a “but”) there are reasons people do not do what is obvious to outsiders. Maybe he just “can’t”….(I have been totally honest and open about my feelings, as you know…) I look back at myself…”How could you have stayed so long with your ex? I never…..etc…” Easier said than done, isn’t it? There are reasons, whatever they are.

      It is just too bad, so sad.

      I have come too far to let this bring me down. It is upsetting and hurtful, but life goes on. There is so much good in my life and I appreciate it all, so I will focus on that! Love you Kate xox

      • This reply was modified 1 month, 2 weeks ago by  Jacqueline.

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      • This reply was modified 1 month, 2 weeks ago by  Jacqueline.
  • #180757

    justbella
    Participant

    As always, your attitude is commendable, Jacqueline. And I hope I wasn’t too hard on your son. My apologies! Yes, I am sure that he has his reasons.

    The important thing is that you are focusing on the many positives in your life.

    I also believe that you will be invited to visit soon. I don’t think you will be excluded from Lou’s life.

    I’m going to stay inside today and read. Have a whole pile of good books! Also, just ordered a book on folk art. I met someone who bought a piece of my father’s furniture for her small museum. I tried to buy it back, and she wouldn’t sell it, even though I was going to pay her more than the purchase price. Although I didn’t appreciate that, I did enjoy talking with her, and we plan to meet on my next visit home. Just wrote her for recommendations of books about folk art. The one I ordered was one I found online. It’s possible to learn so much online, of course, but I enjoy holding an actual book, and I enjoy looking at photos more in print than I do online.

    Have a good weekend. Give Diablo and Star my regards!

    Love you, too!


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  • #180780

    lottie
    Participant

    Jacqueline honey we love you,we do.Only moments ago I posted you a reply saying I bet it is the girlfriend who has laid down the B….y law as to who comes when . The thing is Jacqueline, baby Lou wont yet have a clue who you are and probably not even them who have been the CHOOSEN ONES to visit.Your time will come with a vengeance(not quite) so watch out mean people the LOVED ONE WILL BE THERE SOON showering love on baby LOU.

    Comfort is in our pets who love us regardless of what we do. Only today I met a friend who never ever cries. Her little dog has been run over by a bus when out with her adult son and grandchild. Totally quashed,whilst walking down a narrow lane on his lead. He jumped out at the bus.The little grandson is having nightmares and now a family rift has begun,the blame put on the son. She cried more throughout our lunch. Lottie


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  • #180781

    lottie
    Participant

    Comfies, Lottie here,

    I have wanted so much to catch up so have done some personal annoying replies instead of keeping in order.Forgive me I am who I am lol.

    Have to yet again Jaqcueline mention your son.He is overridden by his girlfriend,she no doubt is wearing the trousers or he is, but she tells him whats what. He probably is more easier going for a PEACEFUL life with her.You know the strenght of his character Jacqueline she gives the ammunition and he has to fire the bullets or else.Lets feel sorry for her that she feels so insecure using baby Lou as a way of being in charge a dispicable trick. Time will be on your side. Do not worry take that back seat. WE LOVE YOU.Step this way for hugs ~~~~~~~~.Can you tell I am feeling better myself??lol.

    Kate talking of furniture D also thinks she is an antique dealer. She hasn’t a clue,but talks like she does. She reakons she has a portrait that is worth £millions.It isn’t, just a cheap print she bought from a shop on any high street. She has forgotten I was there when she bought it. If it was genuine she wouldnt have it. Elton John or Charles Saatchi would have it in their private gallery under look and key .Lets all have another laugh.

    All have a good weekend. Best wishes to Bubbly Jacqueline and Kate.

    Inccidentally did I say my upset friend has also got a new puppy to replace the one who got run over the other day.Plus my boss is having a puppy and has asked if I will have it here with us. Of course it goes without saying.They are always on holiday leaving me to hold the fort,so to say.

    Take care.Lottie


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  • #180791

    Jacqueline
    Participant

    My Dear Comfies:

    You have all made me smile, with your support and kind words!

    My son sent me an email today, saying he will let me know when I can come by to drop off the gift.

    I guess the majority wins…it is the girlfriend who wears the pants. I have no idea about her parents going over, but they live out of town. I am sure they have gone over. I live much closer – about a half hour away.

    There is nothing more I can do. So, I will sit tight and carry on.


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  • #180797

    justbella
    Participant

    Hello,

    Jacqueline, maybe the girlfriend will come to her senses. But I think you’re correct that, in the meantime, you have done all that you can do. The girlfriend is lucky to have you, but is too young and foolish to realize how fortunate she is. It is too often the case that good people are wasted on those who are too foolish to appreciate them. I do think things will change as time passes, but I hate it that you are in the position of having to wait and see. We are with you!

    Lottie, of course your D thinks she has a portrait worth millions. Anything a Narcissist has is top drawer, simply because the Narcissist has it. When you think about it, it’s a very tedious personality, very predictable. We do get some laughs, though!

    I’m glad your friend whose dog was killed got a puppy. And it sounds as if you will be doing some puppy-sitting for your boss!

    Speaking of pets, have to report this. I am friends with the mother of my close friend who died last year. Her mother, who is a horsewoman herself, has my friend’s two horses. A few days ago, she tried to talk me into moving to my father’s place. It would be possible for me to operate my business from there, but my husband could not. Well, this woman said that I should move there on my own (despite my physical limitations…), and that my husband could live here in a hotel and then fly to spend the weekends with me. She said that SHE wanted me to do this so that she could send her horses to me! (Note that she just assumes that we could easily sell our place here, and then stick my husband in a hotel!) I assure you that she was quite serious; she was not joking.

    As is, she boards her horses very cheaply, because the stable owner was friends with her daughter. Even If I could take her horses–leaving my husband to do so–I couldn’t possibly afford to keep them for less. There’s hay, shavings, grain, etc., plus I would have to pay someone to do some of the work, because I can’t. I wonder if this woman thinks I would keep them for free?! I can’t afford that! And why should I? I have my own creatures to support.

    Forgot to say that before suggesting any of this, she tried to scare me about living in a city (given the current world situation), predicting that we would be attacked, and only afterwards talking about how I should take her horses.

    We have been writing about users here. I was really chilled by what she was saying to me: I was supposed to uproot my whole life, and it was only because she hoped to save a little bit of money. (She can afford to keep the horses, but would prefer to spend less money…)

    I have been felt sorry for her, but now I feel really on guard. I replied to someone else’s thread yesterday who asked if everyone was a user. I don’t think that everyone is, but there are certainly plant of them out there. I have been so supportive of my friend’s mother during this whole time, but that is clearly not enough for her.


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  • #180799

    Jacqueline
    Participant

    I love how certain people think it is okay to tell us how to live our lives!!! They definitely know what is best for us, as long as it is better for THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Kate, it doesn’t matter where you live or where you are in this world. Stuff happens. I remember hearing in the news (last year) that people on vacation at an all inclusive hotel (I forget where) were shot and killed by a terrorist. And, they were on the beach!

    I could not believe that your friend’s mother actually told you to sell your house, let your husband commute, and move to your father’s town!!!! What chutzpah!!!!

    I am also wondering if she is trying to kind of replace the grief she feels for losing her daughter, with you. In other words, could she consider you as a daughter figure??? And that is why she is doing everything in her power to get you out there. There is no excuse, of course, as she definitely has ulterior motives, and none of them good.

    • This reply was modified 1 month, 2 weeks ago by  Jacqueline.

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    • This reply was modified 1 month, 2 weeks ago by  Jacqueline.
  • #180801

    lottie
    Participant

    Thank you Kate for your reply.Lovely to hear from you.

    Jacqueline your son wears the pants she just tells him which pair to put on.Pleased you have had a message. Just a thought,being as you live so close could you not drop in on the way to do some shopping asking if she needs any essentials from the shops.Then say…. oh let me have a quick peep at baby and thank her for the message. Be happ /jolly give girlfriend a hug then be off on your way.She cannot say a thing about you that isn’t good.

    Kate what a CHEEKY ARTICLE wanting to unload the horses onto you. Then suggesting your hubby uses a hotel.WHAT, Not one word of thoughts about your illness. These Ds are like buses when one passes another rolls up. She thinks you are dim as if you wouldn’t notice her plot.She is older than you she could pop her clogs and you will have the horses to see to forever. Horses can out live us.Plus how would you get your money. Go round asking, not your style Kate. You have got a medal from past experinence getting money back.Of course she would use the old chestnut about not being able to get to the bank+++then your name would be mud. For me ,I would get the greatest pleasure knocking on the door for outstanding debts,and wouldn’t need an army behind me. Another D round your neck,no way.Wish I closer.
    All that scaremongering about being attacked what is she like.I would think there is more chance of being involved in a car accident than terrorists blowing up cities. For gods sake she is so stupid to think you would fall for such an idea. What a plonker,how old is she??? The self centred fool trying to unload onto you.As we who have horses,dogs, kitties parrots+++ they do not
    come cheap. Once more being kind towards her gets taken for weakness including Bubbly and me. Take care enjoy your day Comfies. Lottie

    Ps Near forgot to say my father has this morning called for assistance again paramedics. We were informed early this morning an ambulance has taken him into hospital… he saying he couldn’t breath,but he is. Lottie


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  • #180802

    lottie
    Participant

    Sorry meant to say cities in your country. Plus I don’t take it lightly about terrorist attacks.


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  • #180803

    Jacqueline
    Participant

    Here we go again with your father, Lottie…I dread the day (for you) when he calls wolf and there really IS something wrong.

    Lottie, thanks for your suggestions, but I really could not just be spontaneous and drop in and ask if my son and g/f needed anything. They have too many “rules and regulations.” When I first started calling Lou (before she was born) “My Baby Lou”, my son let me know, once she was born, that he did not like me calling her that as “She is not YOUR baby, Mom, she is mine and (g/f’s name). She is your grand-daughter.” Oh my, what a terrible thing I did. I will never ever make that mistake again.

    When my ex-husband, his wife, and I were invited to meet Lou at the hospital, my son made it a point to tell me I had to be calm and quiet. WHAT? I told my ex, “Calm and quiet are two words that have nothing to do with me!!!” We had a good laugh, and behaved like ME, not like someone I am not.

    So, no, Lottie, I will not become an “univited guest”. I am only the grandmother, and I know my “place”. Trust me, I want to say something, but I have to mind my own business. It is THEIR child, and THEY decide whatever (nonsense) they agree on. I do not want to become the meddling grandparent, as it will just create more distance.

    However, I will only be able to keep my mouth shut for so long, if they keep treating me disrespectfully. If they want to “punish” me by denying me to be a part of Lou’s life, then so be it. Better that, then for them to keep acting as if I don’t matter. Their loss.


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  • #180810

    Bubbles
    Participant

    I have so much to say!!! Kate, these selfish and ignorant people!!! Trying to push us into changing our whole lives around for them!!! If it is not telling us how to cut and wear our hair, it is changing the dates of our trip to be more convieient for them ( my friend asked me to move my trip to the spa two weeks later which i did so she could go to a show) then being so stupid as to think we would gladly move and change our lives around for them???? The nerve of them!!! When i told my spa friend i had gotten a special deal from the center for free lodging anytime in Feb, i chose to go back there the week of Feb 26 th. She first assumed that she was going back there with me ( wrong assumption) and asked me to change the dates because she likes to be home at rent time which runs from the first to the 4 th. So, im just going to go on Feb 26 th as planned, i have my reservations. She does not need to even know and ut will be a relaxing trip without her there.

    Jacqueline, im hurt for you, and am hoping your daughter in laws hard, cold rules do not affect how they raise the sweet baby for life. Sadly, she has declared ownership of the child but i do not understand why they would nit accept a gift!!! What is the real reason she is blocking you access? And when you say ” My baby Lou” it us a clear TERM OF ENDEARMENT!!!! I call my friends sweet dog, “my Baby” and the owner loves it when i say this. Perhaps you could explain that you say that just as a loving term of endearment, one which a closed minded, younger generation does not understand. Why is this girlfriend so defensive? Sounds like she has you in a ” bad” box accidentely. Remember there were problems about that shower? It probably came from her. Somehow she does not like you much. I hope that feeling from her will warm up in the future. I bet the daughter influences your son to keep his distance. Maybe get the son alone and gently try and figure out if the girl has a problem or something. She Owns the child because she bore him. But proper socialization is to let all friends and relatives visit, hold her, etc. hey Jacqueline, if it were me I might try and change something as an actress would do with wigs, clothing, an accent, a new element of personality,metc. …temporarily….just to shake up her viewpoint of you ( which is wrong). Once you break through with her, her fear may dissapear and you will then be IN for goid!!! That could be it, she may be fearful of you, show her what a soft lamb you can be, show her your warm fluffy side for awhile until she falls in love with you. Maybe enlist your son to giver her good info about you, etc. People have fears if they have never gotten to know you..she may have these. Then, if she is fearful, she may not allow herself to truly get to know you. She may shut you off in her mind due to fear. Somehing may have to happen to break the ice. Ask your son what her true feelings are and also what she likes, loves, her passions in life and then you have a chance to try to find common ground with her. Just some random thoughts!!!

    Lottie, i love you!!! You are so kind that you too….have these users and selfish people with …very high opinions of themselves …..sucking all they can out of you! Dont give them anything to suck!!!! Observe them if they visit as if you are watching a cartoon show!!! Their ignorance drips out of them like a weeping pus filled infected sore!!! But they do not see how they appear! What a sad joke.


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  • #180811

    Bubbles
    Participant

    Sorry about spelling. This tiny mini I pad is hard to see. My other 3 devices cannt enter tihis site so im stuck with this old mini with tiny letters. Time to get magnifying glasses!!!!


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  • #180813

    justbella
    Participant

    Hi Comfies,

    It is so great that we rally around each other! People can just be so difficult and/or crazy: Lou’s mother, Lottie’s father, Julie’s spa friend, my mother’s friend. Of course we have so many more in our cast of characters; these are just the ones we are discussing today. And one frightening consideration is that they are all convinced they are in the right. If we tried to explain our feelings to them, if we tried to reason with them, we would get nowhere. So it’s good we can respond to each other.

    Jacqueline, I do think your son and his girlfriend will come to their senses. They are so fortunate that their daughter has a grandmother who thinks of her as “My Baby Lou.” As Julie says, it is definitely a term of endearment.

    Lottie, I am sorry that your father is off on another of his attention-getting trips to hospital. I know that the problem with the lodestars, though, is that you do have to visit, etc., because you never know when it’s like the boy who cried wolf until one day there really was a wolf. You get so tired and worn out that by the time the wolf does appear, you don’t care as much as you once would have. Not that you don’t care, but you’re exhausted.

    Julie, so good that you’ll be going to the spa without your new Drain friend.

    Thank you, Lottie and Julie, for your responses to my friend’s mother wanting me to sell my house, send my husband to a hotel and board her horses at my father’s place. By the way, just to clarify, she lives here! So I am supposed to move away and take the horses with me!

    To answer your question, Lottie, she is in her early seventies, and is in good health. And the horses have a great board situation with very nice turnout, and at the greatly reduced price because of her daughter’s friendship with the stable owner. In fact, I think this stable owner can afford to do this so much easier than I could because I would pay workers reasonably; whereas he hires people who will work for nothing. So I couldn’t offer her board for as little as he does. I have a feeling she would expect not to pay at all, though.

    I had to laugh when you called her a “cheeky article.” And, yes, Julie she has plenty of chutzpah!

    I think you’re right, Lottie, that she, like so many we know, probably sees kindness as weakness, and maybe even as stupidity! To tell you the truth, I think if I continue to be kind to her, it will be stupid…

    And speaking of horses living a long time, I was just looking at “Sunday Morning,” and they did a piece on one which lived to be 40! (I had a mare who lived to 37!)


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  • #180819

    Jacqueline
    Participant

    Hi Comfies:

    I will respond later…but my first thought, Julie, is that if I have to try to hard to get the g/f to like me, it ain’t worth it. And, she has never given me any indication that she has bad feelings towards me.

    Kate, did you not see my early response to your late friend’s crazy mother?


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  • #180820

    lottie
    Participant

    Hi Jacqueline,

    Sorry to hear about her rules and so on. You were put in your place saying it is their child not YOURS well as if you don’t know, it was your affectinate way of speaking.They have alot to learn.

    It reminds me of my late Aunte. My brother died young,very suddenly. My parents never let our Aunte know who lived in walking distance.She heard two days later from her own neighbours. Can you imagine how distraught she was.When Aunte said OUR G….. has died she cried inconsolably,my mother said for all to hear he is NOT YOUR SON HE IS MINE.Even then at my young age I felt the knife go through Auntes heart.She was good enough to look after us when my parents worked.

    I am really sorry Jacqueline this has happened,she is one sad g/f.Her manners are shocking.

    Yes my father up to his tricks again. He was awkward about if or not he was coming to us Christmas Day.Also told me not to call there so much and to keep away.Rang him yesterday to say hello which started him off. Now this. Well I hope you will be thrilled to know I have not telephoned the hospital today to check on him.Our national papers are full of hospitals being short of beds and patients left in corridors. Take care and enjoy the comfort of your own home with your loving kitties. Lottie


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  • #180821

    justbella
    Participant

    Hi Jacqueline,

    I am so sorry! I must have had a brain fade when I responded, because I distinctly remember what you said about people at an all-inclusive hotel. And when I said she did have a lot of chutzpah, I meant to say that in a note to you, because you’re the one who said that about her. My apologies for my senior moment!

    As you know, I always so appreciate your responses! I could kick myself!


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  • #180822

    lottie
    Participant

    Kate now you are talking sense being kind would be stupid. It is as clear as houses what she wants but thinks you can’t see through her ruthless plot.Send her to The Tower of London for a stretch on the rack.Actually my hubby could probably build one it would be well used.What annoys me the most is the fact that they don’t think we can see what they are at. It is insulting they think we are daft,but on saying that it is incredibily funny when they know we are not.
    It wouldn’t surprise me in the least if the livery friend who has the horses might have a tale or two to tell if the opportunity arose….like how she is out of pocket looking after them.For all we know she might have spoken to the old lady saying she is finding it expensive. She is not I suspect making any money from her good gesture,it could go on years.What a conniving old crow she is.What dear Kate would happen if god forbid a horse caused an accident or was involved in one.Or worse an illness. Who would pay,you with all your new wealth,not her an old lady,she would disappear. BUT Kate you know that, we have come along way with the help of each Comfy here.

    Jacqueline the g/f doesnt have to do anything to show you she doesn’t like you…..it is something we feel,and the look in their unfriendly eyes. So i agree it ain’t worth it. I would take a back seat now after suggesting you call round . Leave them to get on with it. She might be suffering from PND. It will all come out sooner rather than later.Enjoy the rest of your days Comfies.Lottie


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  • #180825

    Jacqueline
    Participant

    Hi Comfies:

    Kate, there have been so many postings from all of us, it is easy to get confused…no worries.

    Lottie, I actually said out loud “Good for you!” when you wrote you have not called the hospital to find out how your father is. He may be old, but he is still mean. Telling you not to phone him so much! Now see how he likes it when you don’t!!!

    I then said, “And good for YOU, Julie, too!!!” when I read you are going to the spa again and by yourself!!! What a pain in the heiny this woman is!
    And Kate, are you planning to distance yourself from this Mother-person? It boggles the mind how others mistake our being nice for also being dumb!

    Of course “My Baby Lou” was meant as a term of endearment. I meant no harm. But, my son (and the g/f – although SHE has never said a bad word to me – I guess my son has the honours..lol) seems to find something wrong with almost everything I say or do. It brings me back to another time and place when someone else was not allowing me to be me.

    So, I will stay quiet and take that back seat on the bus, Lottie. I will play that waiting game and see how long it takes.

    When I went out for coffee with the ex-husband and his wife (after our only visit with Lou in the hospital), I confided how our son has hurt and upset me over the years. The ex was shocked, as he lived for several years in the U.S.A., so when he came into town once/year, our son made sure to be available to see him. He believed we were still very very close, but I said that that was a long time ago. However, he said that now that he is back in town, he also finds it difficult to pinpoint our son for a get together. It felt so good to be able to talk about my son with his father!

    I am hoping that should the EH be invited to see Lou, he will ask if I am too. Especially now that he knows the truth.

    We also talked about toxic, abusive people, and I told him what I had lived through for five years, and all about the witch landlady (he knew her too).

    The EH said that after being married to someone for 28 years, you do not just lose your feelings for them, and that he still feels very protective of me. I was glad to hear I have someone in my corner! It is not easy to always have to fight these family battles alone.


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  • #180827

    Bubbles
    Participant

    Jacqueline, glad you got to talk to the EX about things. Why should any of us turn ourselves into pretzels for others to gain acceptance! People plasing does not work very well, i know!!! Lottie could be right she could have PPD who knows. Hang in there. I just dislike some of the the hurtful ways people treat each other.


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  • #180856

    justbella
    Participant

    Hello,

    Jacqueline, I must apologize again for yesterday’s brain fade. Frankly, I think I was almost in a daze from several days of being housebound because of bad weather. Because you are very dear to me and have always been a constant support, I apologize for not being more focused!

    I was so glad to read about your discussion with your ex, regarding your son and regarding what you have endured from others. I think he will definitely be in your corner.

    There can be a lot of jealousy and jockeying for power in this sort of situation. I always thought I would be close to my mother-in-law, because we had a lot in common. I knew the amount of closeness would be limited because my husband’s family lives very far away, but she really made virtually no effort at all with me, and at one point she apologized for this. I think she saw me as the person who had stolen her son. By the same token, your son’s girlfriend may be jealous of you, and now is using the baby as a way to establish her position as queen bee.

    Regarding the Mother-person, I do think you’re onto something about her, and others like her, mistaking kindness for being dumb. And I know for a fact that she thinks being kind can mean weakness to people; she has told me that, a number of times. I think the main reason she knows this is that SHE may see kindness as weakness.

    I am with Julie: I just dislike some of the hurtful ways people treat each other. It is far too common, isn’t it? As all of us here know far too well.

    Lottie, is your father still in the hospital, or have they released him? He made it through the holidays without pulling this stunt, but only just through the holidays.


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  • #180875

    lottie
    Participant

    Hi Kate,

    Thank you for asking.As far as I know he is still in hospital I have not phoned the hospital nor him on his mobile.

    He is a B of a man. Excuse me please.Had he been reported years ago then no he would not yet be released he would be in prison!So I haven’t phoned the hospital to get an uppdate. He told me to keep away and not ring that was before Christmas…so I didn’t.BUT I did phone on Saturday playing down his can’t breathe performance. He plans and plots he has nothing better to do.So now he is taking control again to get me running round. Well I am not.If he is in hospital he couldn’t be in safer hands….I am not rushing to see him.He never thanked us for anything over Christmas just takes us as a joke mocking us.It was the first time he has ever seen me with a drink.We opened champagne, several, and he had 3 glasses.
    Kate he wouldn’t even call me if he were to be discharged.It suits him to give me the run around.

    Have you heard anymore from that old lady about the horses,and how is your foal and hubby?? Thanks Kate take care. Lottie


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  • #180880

    justbella
    Participant

    Hi Lottie,

    I don’t blame you for not calling, If there were a problem, the hospital would let you know.

    I wonder what most people would do if they’d had parents like ours? I think some people would have divorced them. One of my neighbors stopped speaking to her parents, and that was it, she never saw them again. Another friend did the same with her father. I would not have felt comfortable doing that, and I don’t think you would have either. It’s an individual decision.

    I haven’t talked to my friend’s mother again. Am still reeling from that conversation. Just unbelievable. I didn’t tell you this, but she’s had several people offer to take the horses, but she thinks no one will take care of them but her–except for me, I guess! She doesn’t want to have them, but no one else should have them either–except me…

    You know, some years ago, while I was still in good shape, I used to train a horse for someone, and I gave her lessons on the horse. Then I could no longer ride, but continued to teach her. Then the poor horse developed tumors and some other problems. One day my student informed me that she’d told her husband that if the horse reached the point where he couldn’t be ridden, she would give him to me! I was boarding my own horses, so what was I supposed to do with this one? I wondered whether he could just stretch out beside me on the couch?! And, Lottie, these people had plenty of money and had their own farm! But she didn’t want to pay to keep a horse which couldn’t be ridden, although he’d been a really good horse to her!
    (There is a happy ending: They decided to move far away, where they could purchase even more for their money, so ended up with a very large place and help and took the horse with them. He’s retired there now.)

    Thanks for asking about my foal and hubby. Both are doing well. My husband is still recovering, so I hope he will be cautious. Last year he had pneumonia twice. How is your hubby doing? And aren’t you going into the hospital this month? Is it the 13th? Please forgive me if I have the date wrong; my memory isn’t so great these days!


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  • #180883

    Jacqueline
    Participant

    Good Morning Fellow Comfies!

    Don’t worry about brain fog, Kate, as I resemble that remark..lol…just because your friend’s mother has money, does not make her smart, she is still a moron, only with more money!

    I am glad your husband is on the mend. And, I too, was wondering about you Lottie, your dental surgery and hubby’s. I remember you mentioning it would be this month.

    I received a text message from my son yesterday, telling me Lou has a cold (already!!!) so that is why he has been quiet and not contacted me. But, as soon as she is better, he will invite me to come over. I responded that I was wondering what was wrong, and I let him know with my new schedule, every 2nd week, I will be off for 5 days at a time!!

    I am not doing a happy dance just yet. Let’s see what happens. 😉


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  • #180885

    justbella
    Participant

    Hi Jacqueline,

    Although I’m sorry that Lou has a cold, I’m glad to learn that there was a valid reason for not inviting you over. I wish your son had told you that to begin with, but maybe they were freaked out about what was going on with her, and decided not to say anything until they were sure it was a cold.

    It’s great that your new schedule allows for so much time off, so you will have plenty of time to visit.

    Regarding the “Mother Friend,” she is on a fixed income, but she does have enough to keep these horses, since the stable owner gave her daughter a great deal. But she assumes I would give her a better deal! I couldn’t do so even if I wanted to. I couldn’t afford to. I have my own pets to care for. Just because I inherited a little land (in a much less expensive area), people have been coming out of the woodwork, trying to see what they can get. And this was true as my father was aging, too. It’s really been disgusting. And all of these people are doing fine on their own; but they would like to get more!

    Did I tell you that one of the horsewomen I know has told me that she could keep her horses with me, and that her husband and she could live there too?! In fact, at one point she proposed that they live there during the week, and that my husband and I could stay there with them on the weekends! Also, she even said that I could build a smaller house on the property for us, and they could take the house that’s already there! Can you believe that?

    And of course the M.D. wanted to retire there with us! And the Minor D. wanted her family to visit there!

    Meanwhile, we haven’t even decided what we are going to, nor do we know yet what we will be able to do. It has all made me feel that I have to constantly be on my guard.


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  • #180887

    Jacqueline
    Participant

    So true, Kate. When people smell money, they come running out of the woodwork, wanting to unburden us of it! Remember that story I told about getting out of a Jaguar, and a woman who did not even bother with me or like me (we worked together), came running over to me, threw her arms around me, air kissed me, and told me how wonderful it was to see me and that we “must” get together…Yuck.

    It boogles the mind how they all tell us what we should be doing for them, with our own $$$$!

    And, I agree with you that my son should have let me know why I was not hearing from him. But then again, that is what you or I would have done. He is not us. Life would be so much simpler…if only….;)


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  • #180889

    justbella
    Participant

    Hi Jacqueline,

    Yes, that story about the Jaguar was really something. By the way, my hubby, who isn’t into brands, etc., really likes Jaquars! He might have suddenly been your new bff!


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  • #180890

    Bubbles
    Participant

    My new motto is that once a person sees what you have, they will try and take it from you. It has happened to me many times. We have to constantly be on guard. My husband does not protect me from predatory realtors who want to sell my homes, car dealers, other salespeople. He loves to buy new TV s , cars, etc when our old ones are perfecally fine!!! He is fine with telling me to liquidate my real estate. This is where i dislike my husbands ignorance. He urged me to sell some homes because of the work needed to keep them. They are worth double now then when i sold them.


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  • #180891

    justbella
    Participant

    Hi Julie,

    Yes, I think you are right about people trying to get whatever you have. As i know I’ve mentioned before, people started coming out of the woodwork as my father started to age. One person tried to buy the family home, first asking my father’s caretaker about it. She told him that my father was leaving that house to me, that he wasn’t selling it. The next thing she knew, he’d gone behind her back and tried to work on my father, who told him the same thing. This guy had been a good friend of mine when we were young! But that didn’t keep him from trying to cheat me out of my childhood home!

    It is too bad that your husband’s judgment is off regarding real estate. You are a savvy businesswoman, and you should always listen to yourself. I wouldn’t hesitate to come to you for advice about real estate.


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  • #180894

    lottie
    Participant

    Hi there Kate Jacqueline and Bubbly,

    Be on your guard Kate with that old woman. Yes when people think there is more of what you have it is surprising how they latch on trying to leech from us.The good thing Kate you are a dot on.

    Isn’t funny how them with NOWT tell us what to do? With them in mind!!

    Jacqueline please do not judge your son too harshly,I feel (maybe wrong) that his conscience may be pricking and the GF is in charge as we have already said.She sounds a stronger person and I bet they have battles together.Pardon me if I am out of order saying.If a different GF, then more respect.He knows it is wrong and might be finding it difficult to stand up to her.

    Bubbly I agree with you on all you have said.

    My sister rang earlier to ask if I know our father was in hospital,I said NO which is a fib.She rang him on his mobile in hospital. He still persists on having a “dicky heart” ..his words. Told her he has to have pacemaker fitted.

    I rang the hospital to ask after him.They said no mention of pacemaker being fitted just assessing him. They asked him if he wanted me to visit, he said yes.Might call by tomorrow. He is tiresome.

    My appointment for hospital is this Friday,my father knows ,so wants all attention on directed to him.Nothing new, if my mother was still here she would be the same. Thank you for reading and take care. Lottie


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  • #180895

    justbella
    Participant

    Hi Lottie,

    Good you checked out your father’s fib with the hospital. I also think you were wise not to reveal to your sister that you already knew about the hospitalization.

    Unfortunately, I think you’re spot on about him trying to steal attention from you, since you’re having your procedure this Friday. Best of luck with that, and be sure to keep us posted on how you’re doing.

    I do see what’s going on with these people, and the view is not a pleasant one. I think Julie’s right about having to be constantly on guard. But that’s okay. One of the reasons I have so much to post about is that I’ve tolerated far too much for far too long, so good if I now am even overly cautious!


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  • #180897

    lottie
    Participant

    Kate honey you are not posting too much. Post away we all do it, that is why our exclusive thread is called Comfies.

    Nothing I would like more is for more Comfies to join us. As for being overly cautious why not it is good.Post away.

    Glad you agreed with me on telling that small fib to my sister. Why Kate does he feel the need to take the attention on someone who might be ill it doesn’t make sense.What a warped mind he has. Lottie


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  • #180900

    justbella
    Participant

    Hi Lottie,

    Your father is a Narcissist, and they can’t stand to have any attention focus on anyone but themselves.

    Years ago, I had a dressage trainer who was such a Narcissist! He hobbled around with a bad ankle which he said was from a jumping accident. Years later, I learned from someone who’d known him at the time of the accident that it had actually been a car accident he had when driving drunk. At any rate, he constantly talked about his pain, and some of the foolish women he taught were falling all over themselves to be ministering angels. Well, one day I was riding a horse for a woman in the stable, when the horse slipped and fell. We were both basically fine, but I wrenched my neck, so wore a neck collar when I came to the stable the next day. When the trainer saw me, he sarcastically said, “I guess you think that makes you special.” I said, no, but it was enabling me to ride without pain. Well, clearly he couldn’t stand it that someone else had an injury, because then he wouldn’t be able to claim every last ounce of “specialness” and attention. Just disgusting.

    The M.D. is just the same.


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  • #180908

    lottie
    Participant

    Thank you Kate,

    You were lucky to have avoided what could have been a serious accident. People don’t realise how easy it is to fall off,and the pain. If I were to fall off these days for sure my fall would be heavy,so I take no chances.

    What a good discription “specialness” which is him and D.So he was mocking you just like my father mocks me and my hubby.Yes he and D are just disgusting.We are never asked how we are it is all about him. With D she asks but before I can answer it really is an opening for her to speak.I really feel like telling him what a selfish so and so he is,but don’t.

    He has never thanked us for Christmas Day nor for the food he took home for BD,just taken for granted.No sign of appreciation. He has no manners
    whatsoever.If he can cause inconvenience for us he will. Like you said earlier we knew he would have a stint in hospital,sadly I thought we had got out of it. They must by now know him in hospital,and what a twerp he is.

    To be honest I don’t feel like going to visit. It is at very awkward times and extremely busy with traffic and the carparks charge huge fees and then no parking spaces. The funny annoying thing is you take a ticket to enter then join a queue forever. When you have lost the will to live/wait any longer they charge you to get out.They must be laughing their heads off watching us by camera. How fair is that.You couldn’t make it up.If it was in a comedy sketch it would be hilarious. Lets laugh at the daftness of it all Kate,before I go mad.ha ha.Thank you Kate take care. Lottie


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  • #180909

    justbella
    Participant

    Hi Lottie,

    “…when you have lost the will to live…” in the parking lot. Ha! I know just what you mean!

    You know that your father doesn’t give a thought to how hard it would be to visit him. My father was the same way. He didn’t care what I had to go through.

    My husband and I were never thanked by my father either. Whatever we did was seen as his due.

    In the case of that riding accident I described, the horse actually fell down. Later, I learned that he used to fall down all the time with the person who exercised him before me, but the owner hadn’t told me that. I would never ride him again after I heard about his history.

    Oh, talking about riding reminds me of another incident regarding my father. At the time of this story I was working full time at the stable. (The dressage instructor I mentioned before had moved on, because no one could stand him anymore.) Well, my father always insisted my husband and I travel to see him; he never once visited us. He would always use the excuse of his work, but it really was an excuse; and even after he retired, he didn’t visit. At any rate, once I just couldn’t face the trip to see him, so used his excuse about work, although it really wasn’t an excuse, it was the truth. I had taken on the training of a little vixen wamblood mare; her owner wasn’t able to do anything with her. I was afraid that if I left for a trip to my father, that someone else would be given the ride. So I told my father I couldn’t leave my training business. Well, he got really mad, and replied: “There trying to teach some kids to ride” How about that “trying to teach?” I was actually a good instructor! And, in point of fact, I wasn’t teaching any kids at the time. All of my pupils were adults, and I was also training their horses. (I had taught kids in the past, but not at that time.) But my point, of course is that he was mocking me and putting me down.

    So, yes, I can really understand now wanting to make the effort of that trip to see your father…


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  • #180916

    Jacqueline
    Participant

    Kate, I am stunned at what that “poor man” said to you because you hurt your neck! These people love to play victim, love all the attention. How sick!

    Despite all the health issues YOU have, you never complain. You never think you deserve special treatment. You just do your best, and it is admirable!

    Lottie, your father certainly is a piece of work. I am glad you told that little white lie to your sister. What a waste of time all this is, with people who pretend to be so ill. They flourish because the focus is totally on them. What will happen when the day comes that they really ARE sick?

    I can certainly understand that you do not wish to go to the hospital and be part of this drama, your father playing the “lead” role. Not to mention you have your own appointment on Friday. I hope it all goes well.

    Julie, it is a good thing you are so business savy and do not listen to your husband’s advice. You realize that he is ignorant, although that certainly does not make you feel better.It would be nice if you could count on him to take some of the weight of all these vultures that surround you in your business decisions.

    As I mentioned before, Lottie, I certainly do NOT judge my son, although I do not understand or like his behaviour. I totally get it that he may not be able to do much about what is going on. I even, at one point gave myself as an example. When I confided to a select few in my circle about the terrible life of hell I had been living secretly for 5 years, the usual response was, “How could you…I never….” blah blah. But no one knows what someone else is living, or suffering through. These people are not in MY shoes, nor am I in theirs. My son and g/f have been together for 11 years. She seems to make him happy, so I accept it. I will not do or say anything to cause any trouble, as they will just stay away from me. I will not be the interfering or domineering grandmother. I want to be a part of my grand daughter’s life. I want to get to know her. And, I just want to love her. She is innocent in all this. And, when she is older, she will make her own decisions.


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  • #180920

    justbella
    Participant

    Jacqueline,

    You always have the best attitude toward things. And of course you are correct: We really have to walk a mile in someone’s shoes before we can understand them.

    I am sorry that some people responded to your telling them about the hellish period in your life by saying THEY would never have tolerated, etc., etc. They don’t know what they would have done, and if they were open and honest about their lives, I am sure they wouldn’t seem like such paragons, or perhaps they were people who were too afraid of really living anyway. I have known people who didn’t have much upsetting happen (emotionally, I mean) because they kept their hearts under such lock and key that their hearts could barely beat.


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  • #180921

    Jacqueline
    Participant

    The same has happened to YOU, my Dear Kate. Everyone seems to know what is best for us! Yet, when something happens to THEM, they react the same way as us!

    That is why I have learned to understand that we are all different. That alot of things we do and say are not reciprocated, as these people are not US. We all interpret situations differently, react differently. We do not have to understand, we just should respect them!


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  • #180931

    lottie
    Participant

    Totally agree with you Jacqueline.They have been together 11yrs,some people aren’t married that long.Best to take that back seat. Best wishes. Lottie


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  • #180938

    justbella
    Participant

    Hi Lottie,

    How are you today? Have you decided whether to visit your father? Have you heard anything from him?

    I agree with your response to Jacqueline, especially since Jacqueline has her eye on the prize: A relationship with Lou! (Not that she doesn’t care about her son, but at this point alienating her son and his girlfriend could have bad repercussions for grandmother-granddaughter time together.) Originally, I was up in arms at J.’s son, but she pointed out that she was sure he had his reasons.

    To address Jacqueline’s other point (when she was talking about how people responding to her telling them about life with her ex), it really bugs me when people are so ready to say, “How you could ever have tolerated that? I certainly never would have!,” in this better-adjusted-than-thou tone. And as J. rightly points out, those same people then react exactly the same as we have in a similar situation.

    I guess I don’t like judgmental people–which is judgmental of me!!


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  • #180961

    lottie
    Participant

    Hello Kate,

    Thank you for asking.Had you not asked I don’t think I would have come back here.
    The sad thing is Kate I gave in last night and went to visit expecting unpleasantness.When I got back I replied to Jacqueline and that was going to be the end.I really feel so silly crying. After all I have said,like we all do,I feel as if I have let myself down by going and feel totally embarrassed to admit it here. At least you cant see my face. Something made me cave in thinking that he will be there in a hospital bed with no visitors.

    The sister said he had been so difficult and awkward. They put him in a private room bringing him to the open ward just before I arrived.Last night and today I have been very weepy thank goodness I was on my own at work.Kate he looked so happy to see me. He even asked how I was ,that is not him.Then he looked away and said SORRY for everything he has done.Never does our father say sorry,that is what is upsetting me.It is stiff upper lip at all times. He admitted he can’t manage on his own. Some extra help is being arranged for when he goes home.He will not leave is home to go into care.He thanked me for visiting.

    Yes I quite agree with you Kate over Jacqueline.She will get the prize she deserves. Whats a few weeks in a life time…

    LEAST SAID SOONEST MENDED

    People are quick to judge with their…. what you should do and I wouldnt do that and it is usually them that never take risks.

    D has just phoned to wish me the best fot tomorrow.

    Take care Kate. Thank you again. Lottie


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  • #180963

    justbella
    Participant

    Hi Lottie,

    I’m very glad that you did come back! It always brightens my day to see a post from you!

    It is good that your father said he was sorry, and that he has agreed to have some care at home. In both the case of your mother and your father, you have gone the extra mile. You did have a reconciliation with your mother, which was life-affirming for both of you. You may not have so much with your father (given who he is), but you did hear him apologize.

    It is the hardest thing in the world to decide how much to do for our elderly, difficult parents. I think whatever we decide to do at the moment is fine. We can’t predict ahead of time how we will feel.

    I agree with what you say about those who aren’t willing to take risks being the first to judge others.

    Even the D called to wish you well! I think the Ds do care for us, in their limited way.

    I hope your procedure goes smoothly tomorrow. Please keep us posted.


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  • #180964

    Jacqueline
    Participant

    I do not understand what Lottie is talking about? Not coming back here? I did not see any posts about this, Lottie.

    Lottie, you should not be upset that you went to see your father. You did what your heart told you. And, I am happy your father apologized to you. At least you feel validated.

    Perhaps you feel emotional because you are crying for the wonderful daughter whose parent abused her. Having him admit it is something you never thought would happen. But, this should help you, don’t you think? It’s like a kind of closure. He owned up to it.

    I wish you all the best tomorrow. I hope it all goes smoothly and you are back home before you know it.

    My son called last night to say he has been quiet as Lou has been very sick. And him too. I told him I knew something wasn’t right that he did not call me or invite me over. Now I know none of this has anything to do with me. He said he did not want to worry me. He feels guilty that he may have gotten her sick, but I told him no way, she probably caught something at the hospital, as the flu and gastro are going around and hospitals are filled to capacity with people in the emergency.

    Perhaps this will make him realize how precious and fragile life is. That none of us are here forever, we do not have an expiry date. So, show and tell your loved ones how much you love them. Appreciate them. Before it is too late.

    • This reply was modified 1 month, 1 week ago by  Jacqueline.

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    • This reply was modified 1 month, 1 week ago by  Jacqueline.
  • #180967

    justbella
    Participant

    Hi Jacqueline,

    How is Lou doing? Your son said she’s been very sick, but is she on the mend, or still battling the illness? (I bet it was a virus caught in the hospital.)


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  • #180969

    Jacqueline
    Participant

    Hi Kate…Thank-you for asking. Yes, Lou is doing better tonight. We are all so happy and relieved to hear this. Soon, I will be able to hold her and get to know her better.


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  • #180971

    justbella
    Participant

    Hello Jacqueline,

    So glad to hear that Lou is doing better!

    Your son not telling you because he didn’t want to worry you, reminds me of the way my husband can be. I have told him and told him that it’s better just to be open, explaining that–often–you just cause the other person to worry anyway when you do this. (Although maybe to worry for the wrong reason.)

    At any rate, the great news is that you will be able to see Lou soon.

    I am starting to feel nervous about the MD’s imminent return.


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  • #180972

    Jacqueline
    Participant

    Hopefully, your MD will be too drained herself to bother with you right away! You do not have to talk to her, Kate. Just do not pick up the phone!

    Everyone has their own way of dealing with stuff. While I do not agree with the way my son handles alot of issues I could have been supportive of, I respect his decisions. Although they can cause so much unnecessary worry and pain.

    C’est la vie, n’est-ce pas?


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  • #180974

    justbella
    Participant

    Hi Jacqueline,

    I think it’s an individual thing. If you know the person and know that they are acting out of good intuitions, you can respect their decisions.

    Unfortunately, I don’t think the MD will be wiped out. In the past, I used to hope that she would be too tired to visit, etc. after a trip, but she never was!

    I keep telling a friend here that maybe the MD has finally given up on me, but the friend says that is definitely not the case.


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  • #180976

    Jacqueline
    Participant

    I was hoping Lottie would have posted an update. Hopefully, it all went went at the maxofacial dentist. At least you are home where you belong. xox


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  • #180978

    justbella
    Participant

    Yes, hope to hear from Lottie soon. She might have had the procedure later in the day, though, and may not feel like posting yet. All the best, Lottie!

    I have also been wondering how Julie is doing.

    Well, I have to complain about the Minor. We were supposed to get together next Sat., but she just announced that she was going to do something else. She didn’t invite me, nor did she even say this meant we wouldn’t be getting together. (She was going to do this activity on her own; it’s not as if was expecting to be invited to do something which she’d planned to do with someone else.) Yet she expected me to listen to her go on and on about her concerns. As is, I won’t be able to get together with her tomorrow (as we had at first planned), becauseI I cut my foot very badly today (which she knew about). Since she knows this, it makes excluding me next week doubly hurtful.

    After I got off the phone with her and was talking with another friend, I started telling the other person how bad I felt. Then I just decided to call the Minor and tell her that her behavior had hurt my feelings. She first said that she “didn’t deserve this.” And she tried to excuse not inviting me by saying, “I did bring it up.” That was just nonsensical! It would be as if I said, “I’m having a party,” and when you said you were hurt that I wasn’t inviting you, I then said,”I did bring up the party.”

    I am just not treated well by her. I don’t know what else to do or say. You can’t force someone to treat you well. But if you think of something else I might say to her about this, please don’t hesitate to tell me.


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  • #180979

    Jacqueline
    Participant

    Wow, Kate, what a gutsy thing you did, calling the Minor D back and telling her how she made you feel. I don’t think there is anything else you could do or say to her as she is the way she is. Nothing can change that.

    How did you cut your foot?

    • This reply was modified 1 month, 1 week ago by  Jacqueline.

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    • This reply was modified 1 month, 1 week ago by  Jacqueline.
  • #180983

    justbella
    Participant

    Hi Jacqueline,

    Thank you for your reply. I needed it!

    Before writing more about the Minor, just wanted to say I hope Lottie is doing well today, after her procedure. I also hope all is well with Julie. Have missed hearing from her this week. Wonder if she heard from the spa friend again, or if she finally peeled off. But wanted to say that if Julie decided to resume contact with her, she should still feel free to post about her. I think however we choose to deal with people is an individual decision. As you know, it takes me a while to decide whether I want to keep trying with people–which this post below illustrates!

    Thanks for asking about the cut, Jacqueline! We have board floors, with old square nails. It turns out that one of the nails was sticking up, in a place where I couldn’t have seen it, but I managed to hit my heel against it with a lot of force and it just opened up my foot. And of course it’s on the side where my knee has been acting up for the past few months. And I have some other major problems with mobility, so I’m feeling like an old wreck!

    Although I don’t mean to sound like “poor little me,” because I manage okay for many years now, but I also think that I wasn’t invited because it is hard for me to get around, and the Minor didn’t want me to be a drag on her parade. I really do think that’s what it was, because she said, “I thought about inviting you, but I didn’t think you’d want to do it.” Well, shouldn’t I be given the right to make that decision? I told her that this attitude really underlined my physical issues, and it does! And I assure you, she wasn’t thinking about protecting my feelings–if that had been the case she wouldn’t have rattled on about what she was going to do; and, in fact, she wouldn’t have cancelled our plans–she just didn’t want to give any thought to any small accommodations which would have to be made for me. I confess that I do feel somewhat marginalized already because of my limitations, and it is painful to be treated as if my feelings don’t even have to be considered, because it’s not worth asking me to do things since it would then be a drag to deal with me.

    Also, I can’t get over the Minor saying, “I did bring it up.” As you know from your experience with the party, to know about something to which you haven’t been invited is not good, so if she wasn’t going to invite me, I would have preferred that she not bring it up.

    I pointed out that I always ask her to do things, and I do. I include her. For example, we had her here for Christmas dinner, and she went with me to my father’s place in the fall.

    I am writing a lot about this, but the bottom line is that I feel really hurt. And I can’t help but think that anyone who truly cared about me would not have done this. We arranged to talk this morning, and I don’t know what to say to her. She was defensive last night, and I’m not up to dealing with her anger again this morning. Yet not talking about it seems artificial. Well, as is always the way with Drains, I guess there is nothing to be done. You can’t change them. In fact, she may well be changing from a Minor to a Major.


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  • #180984

    Jacqueline
    Participant

    Kate, Lottie will post when she can, and I will contact Julie on Facebook, to see if she is ok.

    As for YOU, my dear Kate, I am concerned about that cut from the old nail. Are you up to date on your tetanus shot?

    I want to remind you, Sweet Kate, that your value comes from YOU. It hurts when we are not included in certain events, especially when we have been so good to these bloodsuckers. Reminder: Just because WE are kind, we cannot expect others to be like us. Everyone is different. Their emotional intelligence is not the same either.

    It doesn’t matter what the Minor D’s reasons are for her behaviour. She will always have an excuse for her mistreatment of you.

    Okay, so you have health issues, you have mobility problems, AND???? You are still YOU, so amazing and generous and thoughtful, etc. etc. Kate, at the young age of 21, I was involved in a serious car accident, and am lucky to be alive. I had an open fracture of the left femur, and my bones had to be fused together at the knee, so there is a shortening of the leg, and I need to have an elevation on the left shoe. I cannot begin to tell you how physical appearance was so important to OTHERS and how I suffered because of people’s stupid remarks. I lost friends because of this, people imitated the way I walked (at the beginning, the limp was very noticeable, as I was still healing), and I could go on and on and on. As hurtful as this was, I always said, “But I am NOT my leg!”

    Today, with all that I have learned about myself, if you cannot treat me right, then it is YOUR loss, you don’t deserve me in your life.

    It is none of my business what others think of me. My value comes from ME. Taking care of others starts with ME. Got it, Kate? It is all about YOU.

    Another suggestion; don’t answer the phone IF the Minor Idiot calls. Just because she said she would, does not mean she will. Take a Kate Day, Take a Kate Weekend. Take a hot bubble bath, stay in your pjs and watch movies, eating licorice….think of your baby horse…think of all of us here who love you. Now, go and have a great day! Don’t let anyone spoil it for you!


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  • #180985

    justbella
    Participant

    Hi Jacqueline,

    Please give Julie my regards when you contact her. And, yes, Lottie will post when she’s up to it. In the meantime, I just wanted to send her greetings.

    Thanks for asking about the tetanus shot. I think that because the nail was clean and because the wound bled so much, I am okay.

    And thank you for sharing about how you were treated because of your leg. I also broke my tibia, in a horseback riding accident. It is a difficult break, and yours sounds particularly bad. It is great that you knew you were not your leg! But people can be so cruel. It is just like the wounded chicken in the farmyard; the others attack it because it is wounded. If there is anything at all different about you, people want to put you down, in order to make themselves feel superior.

    You are so right about the Minor always having some excuse for her behavior. Except once, even she came up blank. This was when she had invited another friend and me to a concert. I’ve written about this before, so will try to be brief. She got us both interested, even loaning us CDs of the musician. Then, with no warning, one day she said, “I got my ticket. There may be some cheap seats left for you and X.” I couldn’t believe it! She ended up crying over it and saying, she didn’t know why she had done that. But I knew why: She can be selfish, and sometimes she gets off on excluding me, as if she belongs to a private club which won’t accept me. It is really horrible.

    You know, people still do things with friend and family members who are quite ill, quite incapacitated. In fact, they make an effort to include them, precisely because they don’t want them to feel marginalized and because they want to be with them. I know I am not defined by my mobility issues, but it hurts that the Minor has treated me this way.

    I am sitting here trying to decide whether I will talk with her. I know that she will call. I will do other things this weekend, but this is painful. I don’t understand how she can behave the way she does and yet want to be my friend. Of course, I know this is the sort of confusion we all feel when someone who’s close to us, whether partner, family member of friend, treats us this way. I think I have more work to do before I can quite feel as you do: That if someone can’t treat me well, they don’t deserve me. Actually, it’s confusing, because I do feel this way! But I am confused about what to think of the Minor. Sometimes it seems that she is my close friend; in fact, a lot of the time it feels that way. Then she pulls something like this, and I question whether she does care for me. I just don’t know what to make of her. What does it seem like to you?


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  • #180987

    Jacqueline
    Participant

    Could she be bi-polar, Kate? Perhaps SHE cannot deal with getting too close to anyone???

    I am so sorry she has hurt you. How about taking a little break from her…pulling back, putting up a little wall, and see what she will do? Decide you need, let’s say, a break of 7 days from her, so you just do nothing. Taking a “time’out” can be healthy, gives you a chance to distance yourself, let your emotions settle, and then you can see how you feel later. How about you stop trying to figure her out? How about you just accept her for the way she is? She does not think like you, is not like you, and just doesn’t understand alot of stuff, no matter how hurtful she is. That is why I suggested some distance from her.

    If you still feel you want to speak to her today, okay, fine. But you do not have to be “Nice Kate”, you can be “Cool and Distant Kate”? Try not to agonize so much about what you should do. If she does call, you will see how you feel at that time.

    Just because we have certain limitations, does not make us any less lovable.

    Julie has not read my email yet on Facebook. And, I did tell her YOU were the one who realized she has not posted in awhile, and we were worried. I will let you know what happens.

    So, Kate, please enjoy today. Do what is good for Kate. Feel free to say whatever Kate wants to say. Just be who you are, that amazing woman! And never let anyone make you feel anything less. xox


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  • #181001

    Bubbles
    Participant

    Hi all, i had a little bout of winter depression. I really wish i could have some local friends that are as great as you all and are not narcs, strange, negative, mentally ill, selfish, etc. I did not know how to meet these friends, luckily that spa friend is still traveling in Thailand. Im done with that one!

    Anyway I did three things today to meet some local friends. On Next Door ( neighborhood app) some women want to learn to crochet. I joined that group, we will meet every couple weeks. Then, i joined a MeetUp healthy eating plant based group that goes to eat out every month at a healthy place. I signed up for the dinner at a vegan rrestaurant i have been to. 20 people will be going. I asked my husband and he said he would go too. He complained and made jokes about the food and i told him I would go alone but he looked at the menu and found one thing he liked and said he would go. Then, someone had a question about peoples favorite Mexican Restaurant and they kept saying, ” I want to try this place, and that one” so I thought why not try them all as a group! I put it out there we should form a dinner group and go every couple weeks out to eat at one. 5 people responded including our next door neighbors. So, this might be fun!

    We have a foot of snow that wont melt so we are stuck at home. Grrrr!

    Kate, hang loose with this Minor drain. I am thinking if any relationship mainly leaves you confused, empty, hurt, lonely, misunderstood, left out, feeling bad, feeling worthless, feeling in competition with, feeling very strange, feeling you cannot trustt the friend, feeling manipulated, feeling drained….then it is worth looking closely at it. See if there is a healthy give and take, an understanding, something you have in common, a healthy balance, and the elements there that make up a good trusting friendship.

    We should put all our drains on a desert island …it would make a great TV show!!!


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  • #181003

    Jacqueline
    Participant

    Hey Julie:

    Glad you’re back! And wow! Look at how pro-active you have been, joining these clubs, making great suggestions, and, to boot, your husband is coming along! Sounds like you have alot to feel good about!

    No snow here, but it has been extremely cold.


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  • #181005

    justbella
    Participant

    Hello Comfies,

    I hope that Lottie has been recovering well this weekend.

    Jacqueline, thanks so much for contacting Julie on Facebook, and thank you for responding, Julie! I’m sorry you have been in a winter slump, Julie; I have been, too. But as Jacqueline said, you have really been proactive. I think you will meet good friends at some point. Sometimes, it just takes a while. (By the way, I would love to crochet. No rhyme intended! Have also been thinking about taking banjo lessons. I always loved to ride and continued to take lessons my whole life, because I wanted to continue to learn and improve. Haven’t found anything to replace that, but there are other things which I should pursue. I feel inspired by Julie!)

    Thank you both for your advice and support regarding the Minor. We ended up getting together yesterday, and things went well. She made a point of inviting me to do something today, too, but I wasn’t free (and she didn’t go either). But it’s very true that she’s not going to change; there are always going to be problems with her. So it’s a question of deciding when the bad outweighs the good.

    I find myself always trying to understand why people behave as they do. I’m not a stupid person (I don’t think…), but it’s as if I’m constantly surprised by bad behavior.


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  • #181020

    Jacqueline
    Participant

    Hi Kate,

    Trying to figure out and understand others is a life long process!!!!! We are all different and handle circumstances in our own unique way.

    I am glad everything went well with the Minor D. But, you know how erratic her behaviour can be. So, if you want her in your life, then you have to accept her the way she is. She ain’t a-changing! And then “pay as you go”. In other words, decide at the time if you want to see her or not.


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  • #181021

    justbella
    Participant

    Hi Jacqueline,

    I hope you have the day off, or maybe this is one of those weeks when you aren’t working? At any rate, I hope you have some down time with Diablo and Star! I would love to see photos of Star!

    Yes, the Minor is a prickly person. She is capable of warmth and sensitivity, and is an intelligent person, but then she can be quick to anger and other bad behavior. Many times during this friendship, I’ve had to decide whether the bad outweighs the good.

    Your advice about putting one’s self first is something which I really need to think about. I think I’ve held myself back a lot in life by giving too much time and energy to other people. I think it’s good to give of yourself to others, but not to give yourself away. Also, I know I have held myself back because I didn’t want to make others around me feel bad! For example, when I was younger, I was close to the Major, who was threatened by anything I did. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I know I held myself back from doing various things because of this. (I didn’t do so consciously, but sometimes I would realize that was what I was doing. The template for this behavior was created by my parents, who pushed me, but then put me down if I ever achieved anything, because then they were threatened and felt they might lose control of me.) I really desperately need to put myself first, while I still have a little time to do a few things. I regret wasting time, but can’t allow myself to be mired in regret, because that’s another waste of time. At any rate, I want to thank you so much for your counsel.


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  • #181025

    Jacqueline
    Participant

    Dear Kate:

    We ALL have regrets! At least you are able to recognize WHY you have certain behaviours. And, it is still not too late to do something about it! I am no different than you!! I behaved exactly the same way, never wanting to hurt or offend or do what I really wanted to do, in order not to offend, upset or hurt anyone else, at my own expense! But, finally, in the last year, I happened upon an amazing young woman counselor who was helping me heal from a toxic, abusive relationship. And by my totally opening myself up, she recognized WHY another person could totally disrespect and manipulate me like this: because what I wanted did not matter! I just wanted to please my partner in any and every way possible. The more I gave in to him, the more I hated HIM and MYSELF. And the less I cared about me, thinking I deserved to be treated so horribly. I based my value on what others thought of me! The more abusive they were, the more I tolerated it, and just tried harder and harder to please them. Which, of course, does not work.

    I learned that I have to love myself before anyone else. I learned that my value comes from what I think of me, not what others think. This was a long, hard, eye-opening journey for me. But once I made it through, my only regret was that I had not learned all this when I was younger. I sometimes feel that most of my life was wasted on others, instead of thinking about how I felt, or what I wanted. But, I am certainly making up for lost time now, Kate!

    You are correct, I am off work today! And have been since last Wednesday. Go back tomorrow for half a day.

    Thank-you for asking about my kitties. When I first decided to take Star home, I noticed that she was sneezing a bit, but after having checked her eyes, ears, nose, and there was no discharge, I figured it was just an allergy. Her behaviour was that of a perfectly normal kitten. Naturally, I took her two days later to my veterinarian, who happens to be a very close friend. He did not want to give her the next vaccination shots, to see if the sneezing actually was an allergy. But, he predicted it could be Feline Herpes, and that although Diablo is totally vaccinated, nothing is 100%, and he could catch it.

    I brush my babies’ coats every morning, brush their teeth, and always check their eyes and ears on a daily basis. Last night, I happened to notice that Diablo was squinting. I picked him up and saw his eyes were tearing..I kept cleaning them, until one of them started to have a white discharge. I now think he caught the virus! I feel so bad, so guilty. Today, he is very quiet, and the eye is still leaking. I bought Star from a naive, ignorant person, who did not know very much. I looked at it that whatever happens, I kind of rescued her and can give her a better life. I do not regret adopting her, as she is the perfect sister for Diablo. They get along so well, and she is so affectionate and is always purring. I just feel terrible for my Diablo. Luckily, my vet is coming over tonight for supper. He was supposed to bring me some meds for Star. Now he will have Diablo to look at as well.


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  • #181026

    justbella
    Participant

    Oh Jacqueline,

    I am so sorry about Star and Diablo. It is great the your vet is coming over tonight, though, and that you are treating so quickly. Please let us know what the vet says.

    I have to make a concentrated effort to stop wasting my time and energy. For example, I have a friend, a fellow horsewoman, who takes up so much of my time discussing her problems, but who makes short shrift (Is that the correct phrase?) of my problems. So often, after I tell her something, she very critically tells me not “to dwell” on it; but I notice that she doesn’t think SHE “dwells” on her problems. I have to start thinking about how precious my time is, and how I have every right to choose to devote it to my work rather than to other people. There’s also the “Mother person.”

    Speaking of time, I hope you enjoy your day. I’m sure Diablo is much happier being at home with the delightful Star than he was on his own. And you have given Star a much better life than she would have had with almost anyone else, I would wager.


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  • #181027

    Jacqueline
    Participant

    Hi Kate:

    Look at all these people who insist on kvetching and abusing your kindness. You have the right to cut them off, nicely, of course, and focus on Kate! If the relationship was reciprocated and respectful, where you each listened and talked to each other, well, that is different. But, only you can decide when the time comes that you have had enough of these selfish people.

    My vet friend says what the kitties have is viral, so he is bringing capsules (pills) to put in their food. I have prepared a ham with veggies and decided to add some fresh pineapple slices, which is presently simmering in the crock pot!

    Work tomorrow. And that is a horse of another colour! My boss told me last week that I cannot go home until his schedule is FULL! Thank goodness it is the other girl working the full day tomorrow. It is Wednesday that it will be my turn. Just because the appointment book is full, does not mean anything. It is a false sense of security because he gets so many cancellations and no shows. And, the patients can do it because he does not give them any consequences and does not listen to most of my suggestions. I have been in this business for over 30 years, managed many dental offices, so I think I am qualified. I have already made so many positive changes at the Front Desk. I told my boss that he is a great guy, an amazing dentist, but as a boss, he kind of sucks! (He had upset two of the girls and ME last week, for absolutely no valid reasons. When he is stressed, he is mean and abusive. We are sick of it.) So, I let him have it. The next day, my partner at the Front Desk told me he was totally different and appreciative of them. Ya, but he is who he is, and cannot change. This is a temporary fix.

    So, is it no wonder that my job search is reactivated? I have an interview on Friday!


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  • #181028

    justbella
    Participant

    Hi Jacqueline,

    The vet says it’s viral, but does he know which virus yet? Or had he said definitely that it’s Feline Herpes? At any rate, good that he’s bringing antibiotics. And sounds like he’s getting a really yummy dinner!

    And it’s good that you spoke up to your boss, and that your partner at the Front Desk benefited from your assertiveness the next day! I’m glad to hear that you already have an interview line up for Friday!

    Speaking of dentists, my dentist really goes through staff, and two friends who are also his patients (the Minor being one!) and I have speculated about this. He seems mild-mannered with patients, but he can get an edge in his voice with his staff. I wish he could keep people, because I think staff makes such a difference. Last year, he hired a wonderful woman. She is great at the work, and so efficient and friendly. I really enjoy talking with her. But when the Minor went in last week, this woman wasn’t there. I hope he just had a substitute that day, but given this dentist’s track record, I wonder. Like your boss, he is a good dentist, but… I actually looked forward to seeing her each time, and had invited her to come see the foal.

    In his office, there is a twenty-four hour cancellation policy, or you pay. Most of my doctors have this, too. Sounds as if your dentist doesn’t have this policy?

    Regarding scheduling, his office is not good. I suspect this is because he doesn’t allow his so-called scheduler to actually move anyone around, and sometimes it’s hard for her to talk to him, so making appointments, including emergency appointments can be dicy. Also, once you have schedule an appointment, the office usually calls and asks you to change it, often on the day of the appointment. The last time the Minor was asked to do this, she refused. I understand that it’s natural to be asked to switch your times occasionally, and I’m fine with doing that, but all three of us are asked all the time, so you know everyone is. It’s just too chaotic, and a bad combination of the scheduler having difficulty getting you in, coupled with being asked to change your time once you DO get an appointment! We suspect this guy is a control freak, and that’s why he loses staff. Does it sound like that to you? Based upon how he, in effect, won’t allow his scheduler to schedule?

    Also, I have had problems getting him to listen to what I tell him about my teeth. Once he had it in his head that a molar needed root canal, even though he’d sent me to an endodontist (sp) who said it did NOT need it, and reported this to the dentist. So, one day, when I needed to leave town to see my father, I cracked a filling in the tooth beside that molar. I couldn’t talk to the dentist himself, but I emailed him about needing to get in to see him, and one of his staff replied and said I had to see the endodontist. I said, no, the crack was NOT in that molar, it was in the tooth beside it! I explained I needed to get in and have the work done, because I was leaving to visit my father. No, I had to see the endodontist! So then I called the office, and begged the receptionist to tell him that it was NOT the molar he thought it was. She went to talk to him, and he still said I had to see the endodontist. I asked her to speak to him again, and this time she came back and said he’d called the endodontist, who would see me during his lunch hour; if the endontist said I didn’t need a root canal, then the dentist would see me. So I had to go all the way to the endontist (not an easy trip, either, and I’m on a cane). When I saw the endontist, he literally threw his hands up in the air, and said, “Why are you here?! This tooth needs a filling!” I explained that my dentist had insisted. Then I went to the dentist, who had to work me in. When I walked in, I said, “I keep trying to get root canal, but the doctor just refuses!” The dentist gave a tight little wry smile and said, “I thought it was that molar.” No kidding!

    I hope you don’t mind reading this novella, Jacqueline, but since you’re in the industry, I thought you would be amused–although I’m sure you’ve heard much worse.

    So, although I like this guy’s work, there are these downsides to dealing with him! Including that he won’t listen. The Minor says she wonders if he has Aspberger’s (sp?). I guess that’s possible, but I think he is an arrogant control freak, and it probably really bothered him that I did not need root canal (his judgment was wrong, which is no big deal; it happens, but I guess he can’t accept it), so he was determined that the tooth had given way, and that I did need it, that he was proven right. BUT it wasn’t even that tooth, as I said and said and said!


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  • #181030

    Jacqueline
    Participant

    Oy vey…Your dentist does not listen to his patients, Kate…at least my boss does. I would have changed dentists after what he did. I guess the staff calls to reschedule because there are holes and he moves up everyone. Then, maybe he has a big treatment and decides that cleanings and whatever else can be moved. He does not respect his patients’ time, and he has no respect. Sounds like he is all about the money.

    Yes, my boss is a control freak, but his dental systems are not up to date and that is why it is so time consuming and chaotic. He has the old appointment book where we have to write in it and then type up a daily daysheet. So, of course there are spelling mistakes and wrong #s written. He does not want to upgrade. And, when a patient calls and asks when his appointment is, we have to search manually, which is a waste of time. So much time wasted. He is good to his patients, but has no problem embarrassing his staff in front of anyone. Then, he thinks an apology makes it okay, while he has already ruined our day.

    No, the kitties are not getting antibiotics, Kate. Since this Feline Herpes is viral and highly contagious to other kitties, it goes away with the help of a medication called Lysine. Guess what? Diablo’s eyes have stopped tearing! And, he seems to be better this afternoon. He has been quiet today, and usually, when I have finished with one of my yogurts, he is always around to help clean the container! But today he did not do that. I hope that maybe it is just one of those days for him, and has nothing to to with Star, but I doubt it. I will find out tonight when the vet looks at him.


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  • #181033

    Jacqueline
    Participant

    Lottie, We hope you are well on the road to recovery. It is awfully quiet on here without you!!!! xox


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  • #181037

    justbella
    Participant

    I wrote earlier, and thought the post had appeared, but I guess not.

    At any rate, I too would like to know how Lottie is doing!

    And, Jacqueline, when I woke up this morning, I wondered what the vet had said about your kitties. Please let me know.

    On another note, can’t believe your boss doesn’t have you use the computer, but that you have to keep a book. And, it is awful that he embarrasses staff in front of patients.

    You know, even though my dentist is very polite and listens when you are in the chair, I think you’re right about him not having respect for his patients; and I bet that explains why he can’t keep staff–he probably has no respect for them either.


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  • #181038

    justbella
    Participant

    I don’t know why I said that about antibiotics. Just wasn’t thinking. I do know that viral infections don’t respond to antibiotics, and that I have to be on antibiotics for sinus infections, because they are bacterial.


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  • #181040

    lottie
    Participant

    Hello Jacqueline and Kate,

    Thank you both for asking after me.

    Sorry I have not been here,although I have looked and read.Just been slightly depressed and tearful,more of later.

    Really sorry Jacqueline to hear about your kitties,is there an update after the vet visit last night? That meal sounds delicious I could almost smell those pineapples.Also you had a call from your son and will be invited to see baby Lou, it doesn’t get better than that. I hope she is feeling better. What cheerful news.And whats that word you used….kvetching never heard of it before.And a job interview wow no flies on you!!

    Kate “short shrift” is the correct phrase to use. My interpretation is……she is not listening or interested in what you have to say, BECAUSE she is too busy thinking of what she will be saying next. It is very common,you are not supposed to have a life or problem. Next time you meet up tell her you charge by the hour for counselling!!

    Please tell me about that old lady who wanted you to have the daughters horse. Is there an update,oh please god let there be one in Kates favour!!

    Kate you are also having tooth trouble isn’t it a nuisance? I truely hope you get it all sorted.Any pain in the head seems more painful than anywhere else in the body. Well for me it is.Although I do know of a pain in the neck! No college education is required as to who I am referring to!!

    Last Friday I went to hospital for my mouth/teeth.

    Saw another specialist who says one/two teeth upper front next to front teeth need canal root treatment and they have caused a sinus bursa.The lump is clear to see. He tried to investigate further with tiny camera. He asked about my dentist who said there was nothing wrong.Wasn’t too pleased and is writing again telling him there is.Well before Christmas my face was swollen under the cheek bone and very painful. My hubby and I have an appoinment for check ups in about 4 weeks. The specialist said hopefully the letter will get there before our checkups,adding if not do not mention going to the hospital for a 2nd appointment.Hoping you have an opinion on this. Plus shingles has never been mentioned.

    As for my father he is the rudest most ill mannered person alive. Have been today taking various bits and bobs. He has never by the way asked after me.You know that feeling when you come away from a “friend” and feel worse for the meeting.This applies to him.Asked if he was feeling better ….NO.
    Or would he like an orange I would peel…NO ….. Would he like a drink….NO
    People kept looking and he uses that funny like reply,cant spell it but it sounds like pppffff.My mother used to do it at me. pppppfffff. Oh and it is not complimentary.Sunday was the pits I came home and cried yet again. My hubby says not to visit.As I was about to leave he said disgustingly if I didnt get out he would be breaking wind.Who needs someone like that.He is so angry but always has been. I tied to tell him something about my work that happened yesterday….His reply……NOT INTERESTED.

    So thats about all sorry its not cheerful.Should I try gassing myself in the electric oven or drowning in a egg cupful of water. There seems no hope. haha

    Hoping you all have cheery news. Hello to Bubbly hoping you are well.
    Take care Lottie


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  • #181041

    Bubbles
    Participant

    Hi! Lysine is vitaman, a supplament that helps humans with cold sores( herpes) and other kinds of herpes too. Its great stuff!

    I have some new plans to solve some problems I have been having. I was getting really tired of feeling helpless and unhappy so i realized i need to change things for ME!!!!!

    Marriage issues:

    We had not been talking enough about our future, the marriage, etc. So I asked us to talk every Monday evening about anything and everything to do with each of us and the direction of the marriage, etc. i marked a big T on the kitchen calendar so we remember and also, we need to write some notes to see progress and capture thoughts so we have a yellow notebook with pages and we write out any and all desires and concerns for the marriage. Mosetly i have been the note taker during the Monday meeting since I am lucky he will even talk this way. Goal is to have a more satisfying marriage and to know which direction we want our lives to go in in retirement. If we think of a question between Monday neetings, we can write it in the Yellow book fir the next talk.

    Making Friends Issues:

    I joined the crochet group of 40 women which will start in March when the community room at our library opens up! Yay!

    I am trying to start a Mexican food club where neighbors can join and eat out at various Mexican Restaurants in the area. Will see how that goes.

    Joined a vegan group that tries out vegan restaurants every month.

    Eating healthy issues:

    I moved my healthy foods to one Fridge/freezer in the garage, separating it from my husbands processed foods but still have plenty of vegetables here in the kitchen fridge too. . I cooked 3 tasty vegan dishes and froze 20 portions so i can grab one anytime. I keep cut up vegebles and homemade oil free hummus in fridge and eat these for snacks and my husband will eat these too. I am cooking a nice vegan oil free curry today! My husband loves the clean empty organized shelves there in the kitchen fridge/ freezer and the large garage freezer for “his” foods!!!!

    The Best Curry

    1 chopped red onion
    3 chopped garlic cloves

    Sauté these in bottom of a pot with 1/4 c water if needed and then add:

    2 tsp Better than boullion Veg Boullion
    3 tlbs tomato paste
    1 can diced tomatoes
    1 can coconut milk
    2 tlbs curry powder
    1 tsp chili flakes or a minced jalapeño pepper
    2 cups cabbage
    2 cups red lentils
    4 cups water

    Cook for 30 minutes on stove. Add frozen peas if desired the last 10 min. Then eat, serving over rice or whatever you want. Cilantro or avocado are nice as garnishes too.

    Will report back how it comes out.


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  • #181042

    Bubbles
    Participant

    I also want to thank you all!! Jacqueline has forged the way on the ” taking care of ourselves and making things happen in our lives” , thank you! I am lucky to be on FB with you too!

    Kate is supportive and wise and really helps me! Kate you cared enough to check on me in an unobtrusive way…which i really needed. Since i was very unhappy that week.

    Lottie, you are a joy to know!!! Such a warm heart and a willingness to care even though people can be rude difficult idiots! Keep in caring but try to use the concept if putting the same amount of positive energy into the relationship as they do. For example, your father. He puts zero positive energy into your relationship while you put 100percent positive energy, driving over there, talking to his higness, brining him stuff, offering to get him things, listening to his abuse, driving home, crying for an hour ( or a day) , recovering from his latest abuse, becoming depressed, working to get yourself out of that depression, then planning to see him again for more abuse.

    Lottie it is an unequal relationship. If he continues to treat you badly you should tell him to stop it and/ or leave if you still feel you must visit him! You are precious. If your family is abusive, disown them. You would dump an abusive friend and so do the same with family ir find things to say to stop the abuse.

    Some possible things to say:

    Dad im here fir you but you are destroying my love for you when you say ______and_____ to me.
    Dad, could you only say nice things to me today? Thank you.
    Dad, quit talking to me that way or i will have to leave.
    Dad, do you want me to be here or would you rather I Leave.
    Dad, call me if you want me to come visit you otherwise it appears you do not want me to be here now.
    Dad, im recording our talk here today since my husband wants to here the mean things you say to me.
    Dad, im bring a friend_______today to be with me when im coming( or dont tell him, just bring someone)

    Lottie it may be healthy to get this father relationship stuff out in the open and under controll maybe with the help if a good counselor. The reason is, you need to free YOURSELF of his hold iver you abd you allowing this abuse!!! Before he dies! You can do the healing after he dies too but why not attack these issues niw while this asshole us still alive!


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  • #181044

    Bubbles
    Participant

    Lottie, get those teeth taken care of asap and find a better dentist. I hope they put you on antibiotics!!!


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  • #181045

    justbella
    Participant

    Hello Comfies!

    Am anxious to hear what the vet said about Jacqueline’s kitties last night.

    Lottie, I agree that you need a better dentist. When will you get treatment for your condition? I am hoping Jacqueline will weigh in about the sinus bursa, etc. Clearly your dentist was wrong.

    Your father is a nightmare. I can really empathize with you. People would also advise me not to visit my parents. I just kept feeling that I had to. I don’t think I would have been at peace with myself if I hadn’t.

    Thanks for asking about the “Mother-person,” as Jacqueline calls my deceased friend’s mother. She hasn’t said anything else about me taking her daughter’s horses, and leaving my husband to do so! But of course I then had the issue with the Minor. Meanwhile, not a peep from the Major. Wonder whether she’s finally peeled off?

    I feel like taking my own dive into an eggcup of water! This time of year is so bad, and I am in a real slump! At least I’m feeling a bit better physically.

    Julie, you are taking so many positive steps. I like the concept of the marriage meetings and keeping notebooks. And your plans for meeting new people all involve doing fun things, so even if you don’t meet a soulmate, you will be doing something fun. I should take a page from your book, and find new things to do, to help me out of the winter doldrums!

    Thanks for posting the curry recipe. That was fun! And I enjoyed your lists of things for Lottie to say and do with her dad. I think they might help her feel more empowered, and less apt to be tossed around emotionally by his horrendous behavior. It is so awful to have to deal with an abusive parent while you have your own problems to deal with, as Lottie does with her dental problems.


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  • #181046

    Jacqueline
    Participant

    Look at this, I go to work for a few hours and look at all the activity my Comfies have been up to this morning!

    First of all, Lottie, I am glad you posted. We are here to get you through those doldrums. Kvetch all you want! (“Kvetch” is a very well known yiddish word which means complain, but it sounds better when you “kvetch” instead of complain

    There is nothing I can say, I am so stunned by your father’s behaviour, attitude and treatment of you. But although it hurts, you have to know that he is out of his mind. I too would suggest that you visit him less, although what Kate said about how she felt when HER Dad mistreated her, she still did what she felt was right. And the same goes for you, Lottie. No one is judging you. If you never went back, we would all understand. But, you have to follow your heart and your conscience, and do what is good for you. No one can say anything against you. You have been so kind and compassionate towards your father, and he certainly does not deserve it. He is just a mean, miserable old man.

    I am really not familiar with sinus bursa at all. Actually, this is the first I am hearing about it. All I could find when I googled it is this: “A bursa is a small, fluid-filled sac that acts as a cushion between a bone and other moving parts, such as muscles, tendons, or skin. Bursitis occurs when a bursa becomes inflamed. People get bursitis by overusing a joint. It can also be caused by an injury. It usually occurs at the knee or elbow.”

    Lottie, Kate took the words out of my mouth. I would definitely see another dentist! At least get another opinion. Or ask the specialist if he can refer you.

    Julie, what an amazing and terrific idea about scheduling meetings with your hubby. I also love how you have decided to live and eat well. You go, girl! You are joining groups, and stepping outside your comfort zone. At first it can be difficult, but gets easier as you go along. No wonder you are feeling so much better! You are being good to yourself, putting yourself first and learning how awesome you feel when you do so!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Thank-you for asking about my kitties, Kate. I laughed because my vet friend brought his stethoscope and listened to Star’s heart while I held her. She is so sweet, that she was purring while he did this. He said there is no heart murmur!!! Two weeks ago, he had heard it, but said she could have been stressed from the drive to the clinic. But, it is normal now. My Diablo definitely caught the herpes virus, as even though he is vaccinated against, my vet explained it is highly contagious to other cats, and the vaccine is not fool-proof. As the day went on, Diablo’s eyes stopped tearing, but he was very quiet and did not eat much. Plus, he had a fever. So, my vet friend said, “He was fine before Star. He never had any of these symptoms, but he does now. He has the herpes virus.” Yesterday, he did not want the Lysine chews, but today, he loved it! And, he seems almost back to normal. Star, on the other hand, hates it, and I have to break it up and put it down her throat.

    On a happy note, my son called this morning!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (I have been texting and sending him emails on a daily basis, asking how my grand daughter is doing.) So, he updated me that the doctor wants her to stay indoors for the next couple of days and away from people. I could hear the poor baby wheezing. She is still congested, but doing much much better.

    My boss was on best behaviour this morning. But, I really could care less. I was not at the Front Desk. I was went in to catch up on my phone calls to patients. He was also super nice to the other two girls in the office. But, I know this is only temporary. He knew I was not the same today. Too bad.


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  • #181052

    justbella
    Participant

    Hi Jacqueline,

    Thanks for the update about the kitties. Glad that Diablo is almost back to normal. How long do they have to stay on the Lysine chews? It is funny that Star was purring during her exam. My little dog licks the vet when she’s examined (or tires to).

    And great news about Lou. She’s really had a trying entrance to the world, but it sounds as if she’s nearly kicked the virus, and then you can see her again!

    Yes, it is too bad if your boss noticed a difference. What can he expect? You have spoken to him about his behavior a number of times; he can’t expect you to let things go. I wish you the best on Friday’s interview.

    Regarding the bursa, I wonder whether Lottie’s doctor was saying that her condition had caused a sort of bursitis in that sinus bursa? But I shouldn’t speculate. Just a thought.


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  • #181053

    justbella
    Participant

    Hi Comfies,

    I posted a reply to Jacqueline just before this post, but now I am back again. You may recall the “Mother-person,” my deceased friend’s mother who wanted me to move to my father’s place, leaving my husband here, so that I could board her two horses. Well, I have just encountered other moochers. I pay my father’s caretaker to look after the property for me, and this morning I heard that there had been complaints about trash, an unlocked door, etc., etc. So she hasn’t been doing her job, and is yet another moocher. So I had to deal with that.

    Well, now the Minor is saying that she could move there, and I could pay her to manage. The management fee I pay monthly is not that large, because there isn’t much to do. (Even so, the caretaker isn’t doing it!) But the Minor thinks she could live in the house for free, would retire from her job here and have that pension, plus her S.S. check, PLUS the management fees! Hey, a pretty good deal for HER! I do not want her living in my family’s home, using my family’s furniture, etc, while I pay property taxes, etc.

    I can not tell you how sick I am of all of these people trying to profit in some way from my modest inheritance! As I’ve told you, the Major wanted to retire there with me; then the Mother-person wanted me to board her horses; then another friend (I don’t think I’ve told you this, although it’s possible) wanted to retire there with her husband, live on the property and board her horses; now the Minor wants to live there and be paid! To tell you the truth, it’s her expecting to be paid which really gets me! It’s not enough that she would get a place to live?! Given her pension and S.S., if she had no rent or mortgage, she could live very well!

    Why do all of these people think I should subsidize them?! I didn’t think I could become more cynical, but it reminds me of that quotation I’ve told you before by Lily Tomlin: “No matter how cynical you get, it’s impossible to keep up.”


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  • #181054

    Bubbles
    Participant

    I can relate!!! That woman who wanted to ” borrow” 50k in living expenses from me texed me yesterday ( i had her blocked from calls and voicemails) asking for a phone number of my wall work contractor that I forgot to list from the sheet of my contacts i had given her. She had made me feel guilty for giving me three of her contacts ( none i could use) and inviting me to the wine and cheese parties so that i could meetnpeople who could use me and gain $$$ from me! I cant believe I gave her all my contractor contacts but I did. Its ok, it can benefit them if she uses them. Anyway, i quickly texed her the number. She tried to make conversation after that with another text but so far I did not respond.

    It is true, people have the balls to ask outrageous things!!!! I think we need some good responses like: Uhhh, I dont think so!!! Or: NO thanks!!

    I know that saying NO to some people makes them question why you are daring to say no to them. And tgey try to talk you into what they want from you. Instead, just kerp saying NO and cut the conversation short.

    With my spa friend, i had to contantly say no. Yet she would push me by asking why not ir forcing me to explain!!!

    Her: Here, i have this face cream for you ( it was years old, brown, and a tiny bit un bottom of the jar)
    Me: No thanks.
    Her: why not? Are you worried about germs?
    Me: i just dont take someine elses used stuff.
    Her: well, i used clean hands!
    Me: it is my rule, i never use opened cosmetics, only new. ( had to walk away since she had me cornered in the condo)

    So Kate, from her, i learned to set RULES for my dealings with people. You can too! Then you can simply recite your rules to these boundary breaking idiots!!

    Kates Rules:

    Sorry, i dont take care of others horses,
    Why? Because it us my rule.

    No one is going to live in the property at this time, its my rule. No you dont need to know why, its the rule.

    No!! Leave my husband??? Thats funny, your joking right???

    Kate we can learn to respond to these leeches!!!! And shut them right down!!! That idiot caretaker should be fired and banned from the property.

    .


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  • #181055

    justbella
    Participant

    Thanks for your support, Julie! I believe you’re right, of course, that we can deal with the leeches. You are already doing a superb job of doing so.

    i remember the offer of the used cream, but it was instructive to read the actual exchange you had with her. It reminds me of an incident I had with the M.D. We were walking on the sidewalk one day when it had rained so much that there was pooled water at all the curbs. The M.D. saw a penny, and picked it up to give to me. This may sound nice, but no one I know picks up pennies (picking up dirty stuff from the street that is worth so little), and I had had so many infections that year that I really didn’t want to touch something dirty. (The pooled water at the curbs is really filthy!) So I politely said no thank you. Well, she would NOT take no for an answer, and was really put out with me. I can’t take it when people won’t accept a simple no thank you. This is doubly bad when what you are refusing is something no one would want anyway. The idea of that used cream is just disgusting, and I am by no means a neat freak (just didn’t want that filthy penny!)

    It is like you have to hit these people over the head with things. They will not take a hint, and also seem to think that we don’t have the right to simply say no. There must always be an explanation, and if you give the explanation, they don’t accept it. But it is important to remain firm, nonetheless. I think saying “That’s my rule” is a great idea.

    I am really disgusted with the “property manager.” She is good if there’s an emergency, but if it’s something which SHE doesn’t deem an emergency and something which I can’t check up on, she just lets it go. I’m hoping this incident will be a wake up call for her. I even asked the town councilwoman if she knew of someone who could do the work, and she said she couldn’t think of someone off the top of her head, but would think about it. I have thought of some other people I could ask for recommendations, so if my father’s caretaker doesn’t “take care” today, I will start to look for someone else.


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  • #181056

    Bubbles
    Participant

    Is the attorney part mostly over now? Im hoping so….


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  • #181057

    Bubbles
    Participant

    PS my curry recipe came out good. Over rice was great. I froze 9 portions and have some in the fridge.


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  • #181058

    justbella
    Participant

    Hi Julie,

    We are big fans of curry here. I should try that recipe. Glad it worked well for you, and it’s great to have those extra portions that you can heat when you want.

    The lawyer wanted to settle the estate after six months, but the commissioner of affairs wouldn’t agree, so it will be settled in June. At that point, I’ll have lots of interaction with him. Did talk to him about getting my father’s taxes done for last year, and he is taking care of that, since he’s still executor of the estate.

    I know that the caretaker is on the property, because she went into the main house to turn down the heat. (I get texts alerts from the security system.) Now I assume she’s at the rental, picking up trash, etc. I pay her a monthly salary, and most months all she has to do is drive by the property and see that all is well.

    I really admire you for managing all of your properties. That is a lot of work! And having to deal with contractors, etc. I don’t know that I have the temperament for it. I also have to do a lot of managing with the care and training of my horses. I can do it, and have had to “move on” from people a number of times, but can’t say that I like it. Of course I guess you don’t like it; but it is a mean to achieve an ends. What makes this particular arrangement difficult is that the woman was my father’s caretaker, and I have a bond with her because of that. Probably never good to mix friendship with work, as I found out from my business partnership with the M.D.! The caretaker keeps telling me that I am her best friend. Of course I take THAT with a big grain of salt, but I foolishly believed that she would feel some sense of responsibility, since my father and I were always good to her. Also, she has told me that she can use the extra money, and I know that she can; she works a nothing job, is getting divorced, has a kid. I am so sick of feeling that every time I do anything for anyone they end up resenting me. I do think that’s what she feels: resentment.


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  • #181059

    Bubbles
    Participant

    Kate, i have had tenants and workman be that way with me too. The kinder i am the worse they treat me and the more they resent me. Just lowered a tenants rent by $300 a month. Now he is complaing i should have not charged so much to begin with!!! The more i t
    Raise rents, the more they respect me. The harder i am on workmen, the more theybrespect me and the more work they get done.

    Have you thought of asking her to text you a date stamped picture every time she mows?


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  • #181060

    Bubbles
    Participant

    Also pay her by the job, not monthly.


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  • #181061

    justbella
    Participant

    Julie,

    That is outrageous: You lower the rent, and the response is that you shouldn’t have charged so much to begin with! I have never heard of such a response, but I most certainly believe it!

    As I read what you said about tenants and workmen respecting you more the harder you were on them, I had a sinking suspicion that “such is the way of the world.” I have been too nice to the caretaker, and my father was too nice to her and too nice to his tenants. The one person he wasn’t nice to was, guess who?!

    I haven’t heard from the caretaker, even though I asked her to call to report. I wonder whether she will call at all. Probably not.

    I would like to pay her by the job, but I agreed to give her a monthly fee for checking on the places (and then for doing anything that needed to be done, within reason). I do pay her and her ex to mow. When I visited in the fall, the grass had been cut, but I wonder whether it was cut just because they knew I would be there.


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  • #181062

    lottie
    Participant

    Hi there Comfies,

    Thank you all for your kind help and support.

    You are all correct about my father.I suppose he is a D. He has always been the same. No matter how hard I try to please him and genuinely want to,he resents my existence. The honest truth is he and my late mother who passed last February have never known me and never wanted to.They both rubbished me for who I am and for what I do and did. It would have suited them better if I had been a dreadful daughter.They couldnt cope with me being caring. YET they always expected from me,always.No matter what I do or did was wrong.Neighbours and the like in my younger days believed what was said.But my parents couldn’t cope it must have been their guilt. Isn’t it sick that parents like them are not pleased for their children,almost jealous.

    But hey ho folks every dog as they say ,has its day.

    Yes Jacqueline the posting here is crazy we cant catch up!!Sorry about your kitties and purring Star it made me smile.Their purrs sound like little motors.Thats what we call them. Very pleased to her hear baby Lou is getting better.And thank you for taking the time to look up sinus bursa.The specialist says the teeth/tooth has caused the sinus problem,but I dont know. Yesterday I contacted another dentist and will get their opinion,hopefully before my dentist phones to call me in.Glad things are perking up for you,hope it is contagious!

    Thank you Bubbly for your lists as amazing as ever. I will take heed and the “back seat”of Jacqueline’s is being taken over by me regarding my father and visiting.The curry sounds good,something my hubby likes so no doubt I will give it go.

    I remember HER and that half used jar of cream,so she is still lurking around. Why would anyone offer a half jar of face cream. Where have her fingers been before she poked around the jar, yuk. You have come on in leaps and bounds sorting yourself and hubby out.

    Kate sorry you have been down but only slightly! You are taking control of things so much better.Sounds like MD has fallen down a main drain and disappeared in the sewerage,probably hers.
    These so called friends and workers have a dam cheek wanting your fathers property. The leeches all appear out of the woodwork when they think something is up for grabs.How can anyone in their right mind think you would allow them to move into your late fathers property rent free.It beggars belief,they think you live or came from planet Zonk.I would like to slap them it is so insulting to your intelligence.
    It might be a modest inheritance for you but a major one for them,especially if you wanted to sell the property and couldn’t get them out.
    I know the laws are different in your country but let me tell you something.
    When this property we are in was up for sale the retired farmers staff were living here.Before he could sell he had to find them a house replacement paid for by him.They had been here years and nothing could get shut of them.He did eventually. I feel a funny tale coming ……

    When we were renovating the house some people appeared one day walking around the grounds and made themselves comfortable beside the fishing pond with rods.I said to the builders “who are all those people in garden”? Leave it up to me he said I will investigate.He came back saying they were the ex workers a whole family of them.They had asked if they could come in the house saying they had lived here for many (free, not mentioned) years and wanted to look round,and reminisce.He said well it is no use coming in this part as you wont recognise it but it is ok to look at the rooms not yet done which you will remember.Not what they wanted.They asked if it was ok to sit in the garden for a picnic because they liked the place.We refused we had been warned by the farmer.They had everything + expences free for many years. When push came to shove they were a force to be reckoned with.It was a sad thank you for all the farmer had done for them.

    Thanking you all Comfies,take care. Lottie


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  • #181063

    justbella
    Participant

    Hi Lottie!

    Great that you’re getting another opinion. You’ve had this problem far too long. I really feel for you, as a fellow dental sufferer.

    I think your parents were (and your father still is) jealous of you. You have the sort of temperament to which people naturally gravitate and you are very witty. And those are just two of your attributes.

    It is sad, yes, when parents can’t really appreciate their own children. I wish I could have been closer with my parents, but that was impossible with my mother, and my father never forgave me for becoming my own person. For growing up, in other words.

    That is some story about the workers! Yet another example of people taking advantage when someone was nice to them. I’m sure you saw Julie’s examples, too. I still think it is good to be generous with people, but I guess you have to be very careful with whom you’re generous.

    Yes, it seems that the M.D. has fallen down the drain, her own sewerage, as you said. Ha! That reminds me, she always had horrible problems with the septic system at her house. It was always getting clogged. Seems appropriate somehow, doesn’t it?


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  • #181078

    Jacqueline
    Participant

    Hi Girls!

    Kate, I think when people “smell” money, they become your long lost “best friends”! And want to “help” you spend it!! Maybe it is time to pull the plug and let them all go down the drain.

    Thank-you for asking about my furry babies. I do not know how long they have to take the Lysine chewies, but I am in constant touch with my vet friend, so he will let me know.

    Julie, I am glad your curry recipe turned out so well, but I have never been a big fan of curry!

    Lottie, I spoke to my boss tonight about you and the diagnosis of sinus bursa. He said that it really means a joint or ligament in your jaw that is affected, and that it has nothing to do with a tooth!

    It was a very long and hard 11 hour day today. I am off for the next two. I felt stressed from the minute I walked in the office, because of my boss’s attitude in the past week. I was very cold to him and at the end of the day, I let him have it and told him off! He deserved it!


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  • #181084

    justbella
    Participant

    Good morning Jacqueline and any other Comfies,

    I’m sorry your day was difficult yesterday, Jacqueline. It’s good that you told your boss off, but I’m glad you have that interview tomorrow.

    And it’s good that you are in constant contact with your friend, the vet. I would find that very reassuring.

    Your boss’s analysis of the sinus bursa sounds helpful. I’m glad Lottie is seeing another dentist.

    Yesterday, my “Mother-person” friend said she’s probably going to need a carotid stent procedure. She’s had a bad time of it recently, losing her daughter, then her husband and now this. I would bet that all the stress of the past few years hasn’t helped her arteries. She is worried about what will happen to her horses and her cats if something happens to her. I think she will survive the procedure fine, but I understand her concern about her pets.

    But I did start thinking even more about aging (it’s not as if I wasn’t already thinking about it!), and about how precious time is. I simply don’t want to waste more time and energy on negative people.


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  • #181085

    Jacqueline
    Participant

    Good Morning, Kate.

    I hope your health is better this week and that you are taking some “Kate Time”.

    I hope your Mother Friend has made arrangements for all her babies to be taken care of, “in case” something happens to her. Yes, life is very precious, and we do not know our expiry date. I have made sure all my affairs are in order, so that should anything go wrong, I will not be a burden to my son. Everything has been pre-planned.

    Just finished polishing up my cv and cover letter. Printed it out and am ready for tomorrow! Getting a fresh manicure as those first impressions are so important when going for an interview, or a date for that matter..lol


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  • #181086

    justbella
    Participant

    Have fun at the manicure, Jacqueline! I seem to remember that you once had a flower applied, is n’t that correct? First impressions are important, and sprucing up makes us feel good, besides! I am sprucing up my wardrobe a bit, by ordering some new clothes through an end-of-season sale. Thought it would give me a pick-me-up.

    You are such a considerate mom to have your affairs in order. I am still dealing with the incredible mess my father left, and he had more time to get things in order than almost anyone we’ll ever meet, since his mind was sharp until the very last could of years of his life. As you know, his negligence toward me has left me with very mixed feelings toward him. So I applaud you for considering your son!


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  • #181089

    Jacqueline
    Participant

    Kate, could it be that your father could not face his own mortality and thought he would live forever? But, he did you a great disservice, leaving everything in such a mess. His way of making your life miserable, even after he’s gone?

    I am glad you are buying yourself clothes,and whatever makes you happy. It does not have to be extravagant in order to make us feel special, pampered.

    What a good memory you have! Yes, I had a different flower put on for a few months, then vertical lines, and now I have had sparkles just on one finger of each hand. Will think of something else this time!

    I do not want to burden anyone with anything. So, I do my best to put myself in another’s place, and ask myself, “How would I feel if this were done to ME???”


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  • #181090

    justbella
    Participant

    Hi Jacqueline,

    Your nails sound so cheerful!

    You attitude of putting yourself in another’s shoes reminds me of the Golden Rule: Do until others, as you would have done unto you.

    I think you are right about my father not wanting to face his mortality, definitely you are correct. However, it’s not as if he thought about me anyway, so I think it was a combination of those two things.


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  • #181094

    lottie
    Participant

    Hello Comfies,

    Jacqueline so pleased to hear kitties are doing ok.I love kitties. Be a sport Jacqueline whats with the vet hhhmmmmm “friend “oh yes how many times have we heard that one.Come on I promise not to tell the others,you know I am to be trusted !!!Supper,calling round,then I read manicure for interview or DATE. hhhmmmm. Never been mentioned before ha ha.

    Also thank you for doing some investigations regarding my teeth.I am hoping for an appointment with another dentist it is worth a 2nd opinion.Funnily enough only today a friend said she was wondering if it is stress related as I went hospital visiting and then today it flared up again upper mouth.My father upsets me up so much.Enough of him. Good luck with the interview tomorrow.Just a thought I dont suppose it is a position at the vets??

    Regarding money yes there is always someone on the make. MD told me she is thinking of selling her house and pay someone to lodge with.I am not even going there …thanks but no thanks.

    Kate I can understand the lady worrying about the animals,I would be the same
    but I have been dumped on in the past and it can be expensive.We have had so many cats and now none,they might out live us,and that is my greatest worry if we get another.We have no neighbours and people are mean and cruel these days.

    Talking about death,my father has made arrangements and paid for his funeral,and thats all. There is so much “Stuff” in his house we will need a skip to get rid.He is so mean he wouldn’t allow my mother to have her clothes when she went into a care home.So my sister and I had to buy her new. Now she has gone the clothes still hang in her wardrobe at his home. The same with my late brothers clothes.He is in hospital and I can’t get in his house for his spectacles,because he locked the door from the inside and left through another which needs a code and special key. If he had brains he would be dangerous.Don’t even have a copy of his Will probably because I am excluded.”

    Good luck tomorrow Jacqueline and glad you sound more perky.


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  • #181106

    Jacqueline
    Participant

    Hi Comfies:

    Kate, I know it hurts about your Dad. It’s not like you deserved what he did. I hope you realize that.

    And Lottie, first of all, I am glad you are going for a second opinion. And, I laughed at your suggestion of me and the veterinarian!! We have been friends for over 35 years. I forgot to mention that he is MARRIED, and whevenever he comes over, it is with his WIFEY, who is also a good friend of mine..lol…And, HE set up this interview with me and this other veterinarian. He used to own his own clinic, which he sold about 10 years ago, and works part time elsewhere. He suggested to his boss that I would be perfect for them! I will keep you posted…So, as sexy as it sounds that I got my nails done, my hair last week, it is really only for MOI!!!!


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  • #181121

    justbella
    Participant

    Hello Comfies,

    After reading Lottie’s e-mail, I was starting to wonder whether there was something brewing between the vet and our Jaqueline!

    Jacqueline, it would be great if you got that job working for the vet to whom your vet friend recommended you. I hope you form a favorable impression when you interview today. And best of luck on the interview!

    Thank you for saying I didn’t deserve how my father treated me. Just yesterday, I found out about something else he did! I feel bad about the whole thing. Every time I start feeling warm toward him and start to miss having him in my life, I am reminded of how he treated me. It makes the warm feelings seem like a self-delusion. It is very sad.

    Lottie, I really empathize with you in dealing with your father. To have been abused by someone when you were young, and then to be their rock when you’re mature is so horrendous. And, yes, the stress you’re under is, at the very least, exacerbating your dental condition. I don’t know enough to say whether the needed root canal situation is separate from the bursa situation, but it’s possible that both are true. I have a problem with my right jaw, and have also had lots of dental issues and the two are not directly related, although when I have dental issues, it can set off the jaw condition.

    Lottie, I never saw my father’s will, either. And I had to pay for his funeral. He had no burial insurance, and he wanted a very expensive funeral.

    It does sound as if your Drain was hinting at living with you! I guess we both could have co-habited with our Drains! Can you imagine how much posting we would have done to “Comfies”?


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  • #181124

    Jacqueline
    Participant

    Hi there, Kate.

    I think you have mixed feelings towards your father. In other words, you love/hate him, and justifiably so. I believe you should not deny these feelings, just accept them. Understand that emotions are out of our control. Perhaps if you do this, it will help you to heal and let it go. What do you think?? (By the way, I am certainly not down-playing or excusing his inexcusable and unacceptable treatment. He was damaged and had his own demons, and unfortunately, he exorcised it all on you. You were always a good daughter to him, no matter WHAT he did to you. That says alot, Kate.)

    It makes me laugh to see how Lottie had me and the vet as a love match!!!! NOPE! And, then, after reading what you wrote, Kate, I can certainly understand how it seemed that way!

    I will let you know how it goes!


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  • #181128

    lottie
    Participant

    Hello Comfies,

    Yes Jacqueline,known him 35 yrs and married,got a wifey, and FRIEND oh yes. There are no flies on Kate and me. HHmmmm. Too much dialogue and explanations makes me wonder further,have we sussed you out.Remember it is what is not said that causes suspicion. haha. Good luck today at your interview. Watch this space Kate I feel sure the job is in the bag!! Did we know the job interview was at a veterinary practice, surely I haven’t missed something.Maybe a practice nurse,or assistant. hhmmm.Hairdos, fancy nails, facials we have not been told about,short low cut nurses dresses hhhmmm and rubber gloves sounds just up my street….or my hubbys ha ha.
    It is just the excitement we need Kate ,my mind is in overdrive already!!
    I wonder what time the interview is? Will catch up later Kate and Jacqueline.


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  • #181129

    justbella
    Participant

    Hi Comfies,

    I have to say that my vet’s assistants are not the stuff of fantasies. Ha, ha. Come work for this vet, Jacqueline! Actually, I wish you were all here, although I don’t know that I would wish this city on you. Maybe I could join you all someplace else?!

    Jacqueline, thank you for reminding me that my emotions are my emotions. That is very helpful! I do indeed feel both sad and angry about my father. Both of these things are indeed true, and one doesn’t need to cancel out the other. Maybe, in effect, I am trying to feel only one way in an effort to make it all less confusing.

    Yes, please do let us know how the interview goes!


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  • #181140

    Jacqueline
    Participant

    Well, that low cut, short black dress worked! Just kidding…lol…

    The owner of the clinic is a woman! As soon as we started talking, I liked her immediately. Her philosophies are just like mine! For example, after a patient has an extraction or other dental surgery, I would always phone the patients to see how they are, two days later. I feel that it shows caring, but my boss told me to stop doing it, that if the patient was not feeling well, THEY would call US! So many times it happened that a patient was in such pain, but they thought it was normal. So, I would have them come in, and they had an infection. The vet believes in following up on her clients. She believes in excellent customer service, and I could see we are on the same page.

    After the interview, she said it was important I meet her staff because it is important that THEY like me too, so she introduced me to everyone who was there today, and gave me a tour of the clinic. She is very considerate of her staff and they are a true team. She then asked me to stick around and observe, so I did for an hour and a half.

    She wants to try me for a month and see how it goes. Only thing is that mid February my colleague is going away on vacation for 10 days, so I will be doing ALL the hours. So, we decided I would try out in the beginning of March.

    They all seemed to like me…..And now, as you know, there is always a “but” (not “BUTT”, Lottie…lol) but…the pay is $3.00 less per hour than I am currently earning. I could manage, and I look at it that “less is more”. I would also not have the stress or the responibility that has been thrown at me now.

    I will keep my job in the meantime, until I see how it goes.


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  • #181142

    lottie
    Participant

    WOW Jacqueline,

    I am so pleased for you, congratulations. You must take that job you are already part of the furniture.Just reading about you ringing dental patients checking up on them,that is the extra mile people like.Also you already know it will right for you. As far as $ are concerned the hours maybe better and will it be as far to travel.Plus less stress. If you gave notice to your boss tomorrow that allows 4 weeks. He will get fixed up in a month,allowing you to start work in your new job.It wouldnt be unreasonable.

    You remind me of 2 yrs today we had to take our Strippy puss to the vets,it was goodbye time nothing else could be done. Hubby and me both cried as he fell asleep. The next day they rang us to see how we were.We have had so many kitties. Then later a lovely card from all the staff.2 years today 5pm we said our goodbyes.Once Strippy caught a moorhen chick from the pond and brought it in the house unharmed.He never was a hunter,just a very quiet peaceful puss even when he was tiny.Of course he played with the others….running up the curtains and dragging himself along upside down like they do.

    Hi there Kate,

    Believe me when I say I know how you feel.A guilty feeling comes over me thinking of him alone in the hospital bed. If only he wasnt so nasty towards me.My sister says to sit with another patient who would be glad of a chat.It seems the more we do the more we get rejected,your late father being the same.Very controlling and always was.A friend recently said how my father loved being in control of 3 women …my sister mother and me.

    As for the Will he had me take him to my solicitors to get it sorted.When he was going back to pay and sign he didnt want me with him. I think he wanted me to think I was in the Will and then has excluded me when he settled the invoice. He would do something like that for the last laugh,he plays dirty,that being what he is a dirty old miserable man.
    His Aunt was the same. She kept changing her Will having all and sundry running around after her.After her funeral at least 6 relatives arrived with copies of Wills.If she was vexed with anyone it got changed to someone else. He is the same.
    So like you Kate I am sad and angry,it’s not a good feeling.Some days are worse than others. It would help if my sister was more open with me.But then she has been mentally damaged.

    Take care all.Lottie


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  • #181147

    Jacqueline
    Participant

    I loved your Strippy story, Lottie, and I love his name!!!

    I will not give my notice just yet. I do not have the other job for sure just yet. I will be trying out in March for a month, so I still have my old job until I decide otherwise.

    At this time in my life, I just want the least amount of stress as possible. Last week, when I lashed out at my boss (it was well-deserved), I realized how fed-up and angry and stressed he has made me. I have worked there for 6 years, and he has never given me a raise! I asked him twice, and he refused.

    Reading about your fathers, Kate and Lottie, is so heart-wrenching.


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  • #181149

    lottie
    Participant

    Morning Comfies,

    Thank you Jacqueline. We used to say to him ,”you are the strippiest Strippy we have ever seem.

    Regarding the job put your positive hat this minute.Its a cert that it is yours, it cant possibly not be. Your vet friend and wifey know he will have spoken sooooo highly of you and rightly so.To not have a pay rise in 6 years well it speaks volumes,and you know it.Do not let your boss treat you so cheaply. (I must have missed something )because I thought this was a relatively new position you are in .On saying that you have years experience in job.

    It is not all about money as you know.To get pleasure from your job is an added bonus. Get the hell out of there,hand your notice in. Nobody can speak badly of you if you give a months notice which he doesnt deserve,but you will have peace of mind behaving generously. Your vet friend will I bet have spoken to his friend. The new lady wouldn’t have invited you to meet the team if you were not ideal. Go for it you will not regret.

    Some posts ago was it you who wrote to Kate saying no regrets about what you have down. Well the regrets in my book are not what I have done but the things I didn’t do. Of course it is easy to give advice as we said once before.

    Congratulations. Take a break. Lottie


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  • #181150

    Jacqueline
    Participant

    Everything you say is true, Lottie….BUT….I cannot resign NOW, giving my boss all this notice…he will make my life even more of a living hell,knowing I am leaving…This new job is a T R I A L in March, then, once I see that we are a perfect fit, and only THEN will I resign. Bills and rent still have to be paid. I still have to eat. I have lived too long off my savings, and can no longer continue to do so.

    I was only very part-time, working 5 – 10 hours per week with a real *ITCH. I was already going to try out for another job and had other offers, when she resigned, and all this was thrown in my lap. I was doing 50 hours per week, until we finally found someone else, who is the perfect partner for me. I do not want all this responsibility, as my boss always complains about something. He is not even fully computerized which makes for alot of wasted time and unnecessary stress.

    I believe in ME, and am thinking positive thoughts, but I have to be realistic too. Knowing that I will be leaving very soon, makes going into work today much easier.

    • This reply was modified 1 month ago by  Jacqueline.

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    • This reply was modified 1 month ago by  Jacqueline.
  • #181152

    justbella
    Participant

    Hello Comfies,

    Jacqueline, it sounds as if this job could indeed be a good fit. The trial period will give you a chance to see.

    I think your policy of calling the patients was great, not only for their emotional health but for their physical health. I can so relate to their not knowing what amount of pain was normal, and sometimes just soldiering on through infections because of that. My previous dentist’s office always called after procedures, and I really appreciate that. And although their are things I don’t like about my current small animal vet, they also call to find out how the pet is doing.

    Yes, you have probably been under more stress in your current job than even you realize. And stress is bad for you physically, too, as we all know. So if you can make it with the salary cut, I think it would be a good change to get out of a stressful environment.

    Lottie, it was so sad to read about Strippy. He sounds like one of the special souls who sometimes come into our lives. I don’t think it will be Heaven unless they are there with us, and it is my personal belief that they will be. It is good when the vet practice expresses condolences, and now some of them also make donations toward animal rescue operations, for example, in the name of the deceased pet.

    I think it is disgraceful and narcissistic and controlling and all bad things when people use their Wills for vengeance and/or to get others to “bend to their will (in both senses of the word! HA!). I hope that your father did not write you out. As I told you, I knew my father would shaft me, because that is who he was, and he did.

    It is indeed sad that your sister can’t be more of a support, and it is very generous of you to realize that she was so badly damaged by her experience of your parents that she can’t be.

    When you have dysfunctional parents, it’s really the gift that keeps on giving. All we can do is look for happiness in other parts of our lives, because we sure aren’t getting it (and didn’t get it earlier) from our family’s of origin.


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  • #181153

    justbella
    Participant

    Just reread my post, and see all sorts of spelling and grammatical mistakes! I should reread BEFORE I post! But I have been really scattered. The past few days have been trying. One of those periods of cluster you-know-whats. Each day, I would think, “Well, maybe today will be okay,” and then something else bad happened! You know how that is. Had hoped to go see my mare and foal today, but I couldn’t get it together to organize the trip, and frankly just didn’t have the energy for the expedition. Am feeling really exhausted after the week of problems, some of which continue. Life is just so hard, as we all know, and that is one reason that I don’t understand why people seem compelled to hurt each other. (Unfortunately, maybe that is one reason that they do: They want to make others share in their misery. What they do get is that others already have their own misery, or maybe they do get it, but want to heap more misery on them.)

    I did really stand up for myself this week, and did so even this morning, when I wrote very strongly worded e-mails to two people who are involved in one of the issues. (Business related, not personal.) Although I have little hope of effecting a change, all I could do was protest, and I think it was important for me to have expressed my thoughts and feelings.

    I also wanted to say that Jacqueline was so kind in her reply to that troubled person in that other thread. I don’t even want to name the thread. There were things in there that reminded me so much of the MD that I was spooked. The difference is that the MD wouldn’t admit to most of those feelings, even though it is quite apparent that she has them. Of course, if she were writing “under cover,” she might well, too.

    The only answer for such people is intensive therapy and possibly medication but, ironically, those that need help the most often don’t seek it; I guess they are too disturbed to see how much they need it. At any rate, reading your response, Jacqueline, and reading so many of your posts, makes me think that you would be a great therapist. However, I always think that there is something so rewarding about being in the health professions which treat physical problems, because you can see immediate results. Either way, you are a “helper,” Jacqueline. As are the other Comfies, Julie and Lottie. And I try to be, too. But then we have to learn when we have to protect ourselves, and not let ourselves be drained.


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  • #181155

    lottie
    Participant

    It is me again Jacqueline….about the job.

    Dare I ask if you do the trial when will you start if all is ok.Could you start sooner.Like in two weeks time.Giving your boss plenty of notice will knock him for six.I doubt very much if he would make your time there any more awful.He might even offer more money and want you to stay.It will put a rip rap behind him even so.
    Act with grace being the lady you are Jacqueline,you might be pleasantly surprised with both employers wanting you even more.Take care Lottie


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  • #181156

    lottie
    Participant

    Hi Kate,

    Do not worry about grammatical mistakes you should be used to them ,reading my posts.

    Thank you for mentioning Strippy he was a love.

    Our fathers are indeed very much alike.The Wills are their way of keeping control.Making sure we obey their commands.Today was the pits.

    I went to visit him in hospital.Said hello he just grunted.Asked how he was another pppfffff.Kate I do know he is play acting for control of the staff.
    The lovely man opposite called across along with his family members asking how I was.I thanked them for remembering me and for asking. pppppfffff from behind me ..my father. He is so ignorant, ill mannered ,rude obnoxious and any words you might like to add.Asked if he would like some fruit. NO. Asked if he would like some cordial,NO in a brash loud voice. No thank yous or pleases.The senior male nurse came and said quite openly not be bluffed by my father he is very capable.Yes,I know was my answer.

    He really was horrible.There are visitors and they hear him speak to me like rubbish.He said he will have a pacemaker when and if he decides,and is not being told by them the staff.He has had me ringing the social services telling them he has locked his door from the inside the house so wont be able to get in when discharged. I asked about a front door key,he has it in his jacket pocket He sniggered and actually said he didn’t want any Tom Dick or B….. Harry snooping in his house. In other words ME.THEN I snapped and all heard. I said I was his next of kin not any T D H. and was trying to help.I said very loudly that I didnt need to be spoken to in such an abusive manner. He said loudly that SHE (me) thinks she is it because of where she lives. All he does is complain ,no “how are you”.Nothing.

    On the way out I was near to tears but luckily bumped into the Male Nurse who is in charge. He said how much a pacemaker is and that my father has been pretty obnoxious for some days. He said father is wearing a nappy (I saw)and is quite able to walk to the washrooms by himself. Just being very difficult. He has told all staff to stop putting a nappy on him and not to be bullied by him.Then I told him what my father did in my youger days from age 5yrs and my sister and brother and late mother. He didnt look too pleased when I said father will probably get some sordid sexual thrill from the nurses having to wash his private parts.I know he will,without evidence,he is that way. He knew his private parts were near on view. I was going to put a blanket over him but his temper stopped me.There were other female youngsters who would have seen.

    Outside I rang my sister,I had to tell her,she was just so disgusted.

    Kate I hope you have a good rest this weekend and feel better soon.

    Ps. The book I recommended “Dying to Wake Up” is a must read. It really is brilliant about the authors NDE,so interesting. Lottie


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  • #181170

    justbella
    Participant

    Hi Lottie,

    I completely get what it is like to deal with your father. You can’t even have a civil visit without all of his issues being on display (so to speak…). I am glad that the male nurse has his number, and that you were able to vent some to him.

    Again I was reminded of my father. Once he treated me so horribly, speaking to me so hatefully that a friend of his who was visiting him stared at him in shock, and immediately made an effort to be nice to me, out of sympathy. (This man treated his own daughter as if she were a princess.) The man was shocked because he got a glimpse behind my father’s genial facade, and viewed reality.

    And, the story about “every Tom, Dick and Harry” not being allowed to have the door key also evokes a memory. As you know, we lived quite a ways from my father, but always had to visit him; he never visited us. Well, once before we left, I organized everything in my father’s kitchen and also brought in some leftovers for him (he lived in a different house from the one where we stayed, so I brought in all the leftovers from there). Then, when we were already an hour down the road, my father called us and said we had his door key. I asked if it were his only key, and he said yes. He had been sitting outside after we left, and so had no way to get back into his place. He expected us to turn around and take the key back to him! I asked if he could stay in the other house, and I would get the key to him. So we pulled off the interstate, went to the next town and had the key mailed to him, overnight express.

    Well, when I called him that night, I said I was sorry he hadn’t been able to have the leftover swordfish I’d left for him, since it was in the kitchen in the locked house. “Oh, I had it,” he said. “You got in the house?” I asked. “Yes,” he said, “I used the other key.” “But you told me you only had one key,” I said, shocked. “I don’t want just anyone to have a key,” he flatly replied. (In other words, he lied to me to ensure I’d get the key back to him.) You know WHO was “just anyone.” So, Lottie, I guess you are “Tom, Dick and Harry,” and I am “Just Anyone.” Maybe my board name should be “just anyone,” instead of “justbella.”

    Imagine what it would be like to be a daughter who was treasured and appreciated. Of course, everyone in my father’s town assumes this is how he treated me, because he had such a good personal persona. (His friend saw a bit of the other side of him, but that friend has passed, too.)

    I am glad your sister shared in your disgust, and that you had the male nurse to talk with, and we are here for you, as is your hubby, of course. It’s as if we need troops on our side against our own parents.

    Thank you for reminding me about the book!


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  • #181171

    Jacqueline
    Participant

    My Dear Kate and Lottie:

    I am sick reading about how badly your fathers treat/treated you. You both have to know that you did nothing to deserve this. They are (were) damaged and no matter what, there is no way you could have done anything to change their behaviours towards either of you.

    You are both such kind, compassionate, wonderful women. It is unfortunate how living a childhood with such abuse molds our futures.

    I was the first born and the only girl in a family with three children. You would think I would be “The Princess”…NOT. I only received unconditional love from my grandfather (my mother’s father). That is how I knew it did exist. It is unfortunate he passed away when I was 19, but I have never forgotten him. My mother was so jealous of how much he loved me, that she only let him come over once a month.

    Because of the abuse I received from both parents, but especially my mother, I learned to always be on best behaviour and to try never to upset her. I learned to tolerate more and more and to try harder to get her to love me. This taught me that my value was based on how good I was to others, in order to be lovable.

    So much time and effort was wasted because I just wanted to be cared for. I made many bad decisions because of it. I am sure you will agree with me.

    But, I can honestly say everything was a learning experience and made me the person I am today.

    Big hugs to both of you, Kate and Lottie. xox


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  • #181172

    lottie
    Participant

    Morning Comfies,

    Kate,unbelievable your father had key issues.JustAnyone and TDH, yes, our new names.Do you think your father was also jealous of the fact you have a lovely hubby,mine is. I told mine last night about the spectacles along with everything else. He told me not to go again.

    Who the heck does her think he is saying he will have a pacemaker fitted when he SAYS. As if hospitals aren’t busy enough. He has lost control of us so it is the hospital staff he now tries to control.It was really good that the senior nurse sais to me at his bedside not to be bluffed by him,and me saying he has always been the same.

    What is narking him more is they may send him home.He is fit to go to the toilet and fit enough to go into town for his pub visits. The man is a baboon and will not change.This is the man who told me he is a well respected man about town. He thought or thinks they will keep him in hospital until the op which is a minor procedure these days. He would like them to resurrect Christiaan Barnard to perform some 20 hour intricate detailed triple heart transplant on him so he can say…I told you all I was ill!!!! He has done nothing in life to be proud of,it probably grates on his mind.

    At my mothers funeral the reading by the priest said that my father was in charge of a section of soldiers. He must have given the priest that information. He couldn’t have been he didnt do any fighting he was in the utility group or canteen.He did have a medal or two along with thousands of others. The important medals he bought from an antique shop and wore them to visit my mother in the care home.Who in their right mind would wear their medals daily for shopping and visiting.If he carries on much longer being difficult they could I think have him mentally assessed. Wish they would,for all the disgusting things he has done. My word Kate and Comfies that would destroy him. Surely he will trip himself up soon. Funnily his breathing has corrected itself.
    Take care TDH ha ha


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  • #181173

    lottie
    Participant

    Thank you Jacqueline for those kind words.

    I understand when you tried so hard to be loved.In my earlier years I always thought others were always more important than me,that was drilled into us.Not to believe in ourselves but let others rule over our thoughts. We never ever were allowed to speak.If we disagreed with what they said he were given a good hiding and sent to our rooms and missed a meal. That didnt bother me I never ate anyway. Take care.Lottie


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  • #181174

    justbella
    Participant

    Hi Jacqueline and Lottie,

    Thank you for your empathy and support, as always.

    Jacqueline, I have written more here about my father, but my mother was much more difficult than he was, at least when I was young. I learned to behave just as you did. The template was set for us to be “good,” to be people pleasers. No wonder all of us have had to learn to put ourselves first, as you always advise.

    I am so glad that you had your grandfather, although it was awful of your mother to limit time with him. I got along well with my father when I was young (and under his control, I later understood), and my mother was very jealous of our relationship. She never did anything with me, and when my father would take me someplace, she was consumed with jealousy. She would be angry that we were going, and then would berate both of us when we returned home. My father seemed frightened of her. Then, when she died, he took over the role of aggressive abuser toward me.

    Yes, Lottie, my father couldn’t stand it that I had such a nice husband. Both of my parents were jealous, and were always hateful to me about him, saying horrible things, opposing my marrying him, being sarcastic, and once, at dinner, they both started saying such horrid things of a sexual nature, in a mocking and degrading manner, referring to our “marital relations,” that my husband and I were stunned into complete silence. Then we just sat there and finished dinner in silence, and didn’t even mention it to each other afterwards. I was just mortified, and cringe thinking about it now. Meanwhile, the town thought both my parents were so kind, sweet and gracious, and everyone saw my mother as “such a lady.”

    And, of course, in the will, there are about three pages of instruction about how my father had set things up so that no money in what he deemed a trust for me could ever go to my husband. The funny part of that was that he didn’t have the money he thought he did, so there wasn’t enough to amount to “a hill of beans” in the trust to keep from my husband. But, again, it was mortifying to have my husband hear that. Just so foul!

    Lottie, I know by now you won’t be surprised to hear this, since our fathers sound like “twins separated at birth,” but my father also paraded around as if he had won the war, when he never saw combat. In face, he literally parade! He was always riding in parades on military floats or in a jeep as if he were a war hero. When I told one of my cousins about the military honors at his funeral, etc., she asked about his service, and was shocked to find out that he hadn’t been in combat. Her own father HAD been a real war hero.

    I had to laugh when you said your father wanted Christiaan Barnard. You are, of course, right about pacemaker installation being routine and simple. Can’t milk it for much attention.

    Also want to mention this… I wrote about having to deal with some small issues at my rental (which is no longer a rental), because the town council had supposedly received a complaint about the house. Meanwhile, it had been well known in the town that my father rented to druggies. In fact, after I took over the rentals for him, I discovered that the wife of one of the renters had been jailed for drug manufacture! When discussing the tenants with the town councilwoman, I talked about the horrendous tenants my father had, and mentioned the woman who was jailed. Well, the councilwoman nervously said, “That was a long time ago.” I didn’t say anything, but this was VERY recently! Everyone in town knew about the tenants (not just that one woman) and the drugs, because a number of people told me about them when I took over.

    SO, I was given a warning because of basically nothing, but my father was allowed to have known drug dealers in the houses, without a word being said! It was because he was such an “icon” in the community, but now I, an out of towner and a woman, and “Just Anyone,” will receive complaints if a sandwich wrapper blows into the yard. I am seriously considering selling the property. For one thing, I don’t want to constantly hear how wonderful my father was. In fact, on that day, the councilwoman said, in regard to my father’s tenants: “He had such a big heart.”

    Oh, forgot to say this, this councilwoman is the very one who presented me with a large framed print of the town and a proclamation in recognition of my father’s civic contributions. The proclamation went on and on about what a role model he’d been.

    I hope your father will receive a mental assessment, Lottie, because that would make dealing with him easier for you. In my father’s case, some members of the town knew how far he’d slipped, and constantly called to tell me. But, as I’ve told you, even more people insisted that he was “sharp as a tack.” Really, the town denied reality: Saying he was a role model, saying he was still completely with it, etc., etc. (All because he donated a lot of money, leaving me practically nothing). I don’t think I do want to retire to that town.

    Your father doesn’t deserve you, Lottie. And your parents didn’t deserve you, Jacqueline.


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  • #181247

    lottie
    Participant

    Hello there Kate and Comfies,

    Sorry Kate not to have replied sooner. I agree with you entirely about our parents…rubbish…the way were treated.My mother was always nasty when ever I visited my Aunt.Why my parents had children God only knows.

    At the moment Kate I am not coping too well in regards to what happened at the hospital last weekend. I am very down and have tried to seek help,sadly when I rang the person I froze completely and could hardly speak.Apologised and hung up.So I am so sorry if this sounds like a feeble excuse.It just seems to get no better. My mind is all cluttered up with the past. Today I passed the hospital where my father is not intending to visit,just passing by.

    I need to calm my mind. The book I recommended Dying to Walk Up is really good and has helped me to think,or try to,in a different way. Meditation seems a way forward for me so I shall try to practise to clear my mind of “parent rubbish”.Kate I highly recommend you read the book,it might help you. The demons are constantly there for me,it is like the devil has rooted itself in my brain (my father). He has a lot to answer for. AS for needing mental assessment I think it might be me who needs it.I work like a freak to take my mind off things,but have been home for 3 days,3 days too long. Sorry to burden Comfies with this,but this is how I feel.

    So really sorry Kate to burden you with this but feel I need to reply to you.

    Take care all,I will be back in a day or two. Hoping you all are ok,including baby Lou and baby foal. Lottie or TDH.


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  • #181253

    justbella
    Participant

    Hi Lottie and Comfies,

    Good to hear from you, Lottie! And I hope that Jacqueline and Julie are doing well, too. I have been wondering about Lou and also about Diablo and Star, and wondering if Julie has gone to any of the groups she organized, the Mexican restaurant group or the healthy eating group.

    Lottie, I am sorry you have been feeling down. As my father reached the end of his life and then when he passed, I have been flooded with so many memories. I have been embarrassed about positing so many, but then I figure that readers can skip those which bore them.

    I think it’s very healthy of you to have wanted to speak to a counselor, Lottie. And also very natural to freeze as you did. I remember seeing a counselor once, and having to leave his office, because I could not open up to him. When you are really ready to talk, you will. Please don’t put any more pressure on yourself, that is, don’t feel bad about not being able to talk at that particular time.

    Also, your father is definitely the disturbed one! But you are suffering from having to deal with him. Believe me, therapists hear things like this all the time from adult children. They are generally good about giving counsel in these situations. And, of course, we are always here for you, too. I really get what you’re going through, and I am very sorry that you are having to endure this. Being abused in childhood is really the gift that just keeps on giving. But even I see light at the end of the tunnel. I’m still working on it, but it’s getting better. You are still in the midst of it with your father. It’s rough as the end approaches. If talking to someone eases your burden a bit, that would be great. And I think any therapist would be delighted to have such an intelligent patient.

    Believe me, speaking personally, it is no burden to hear whatever you have to say, Lottie. We are here for each other, and we are people who do want to be of what help we can. I am honored to hear from you, in fact.

    I read the description of Dying to Wake, and saw how his NDE experience had changed his life.

    Another friend is meditating now, and recommends it. And today I was finishing a good new novel, Commonwealth, by Ann Patchett, in which one of the characters has a breakthrough while meditating.

    On a lighter note, guess who called here today? She’s back…. I didn’t pick up the phone, but she left this happy-go-lucky message, as if everything were just “peachy keen” between us. This is exactly what a friend of mine predicted would happen: That as soon as she needed a place to park her behind, I would hear from her. And I know if I were to call her back, she would ask to visit. I actually thought she’d finally gotten the message and had vanished. But as long as there is a chance to park her heinie on my couch, I guess she won’t stop trying.

    Take care, Lottie. You are in my thoughts. May I suggest you buy the documentary film, “Snowman”? I don’t know if you’ve heard about Snowman across the pond, but he was a plow horse a riding instructor bought for eighty dollars from a killer’s truck, and he went on to make show jumping history. It is an incredible story about the bond between a special horse and a special person. I bout it from Amazon. It is really uplifting, and will give you a break for two hours.


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  • #181274

    Jacqueline
    Participant

    Hi Comfies!

    So sorry you are feeling down, Lottie. I think getting help is a great idea. But you will do it when you are ready. There is no shame in feeling this way. If reading helps, then go for it. I know Kate is a big believer in this. If it is too difficult to open up and talk about your feelings, why not write them down? This is therapeutic as well. I read as many books as I could, “back then”. It helped me so much. I am now reading one that my son actually bought me called, “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck” by Mark Manson. I kid you not, that is the title!

    It was nice while it lasted, eh Kate? The Old Bag is back!

    I have been quiet as well…reflecting….working hard….My son still has not invited me to see Lou. She was born December 28. I saw/held her for exactly half an hour. She is certainly not sick now. My son seems to have become too protective and overbearing when it comes to his daughter. How can I possibly FEEL like a grandmother? I don’t. It is hard to have feelings for someone you never see. People have stopped asking me about her. I never talk about her, because there is nothing to say. I have been open with my son about wanting to be in Lou’s life (I said this months before she was born. I specifically said I did not want to be left out. But, everything I worried about, happened.) So be it.

    And work….well, the last few weeks, my boss has been on everyone’s case, and as I mentioned recently, I really told him off recently. He has been annoying me so much lately, that I stopped coming in extra hours (while the other girl is there) to book appointments. And, when he asked WHY, I told him..”I need a break from you!” I have been very cold to him.

    I worked Saturday, and everything was fine. I suddenly felt very warm, but attributed that to it being warm outside, and the office overheated. I was trying to book a patient, and everytime I tried to say, “Wednesday, January 25”, it turned out gibberish, but I could speak properly otherwise. (This lasted maybe 5 minutes.) I excused myself and got my boss. I told him something was wrong with me, that I thought I had had a stroke. He checked my vitals and said I did not. He made me rest, and I felt lightheaded. I ate and felt better. Over the weekend, I did some research, and discovered I am RIGHT…I most probably DID have a stroke, but a mini one…called TIA …transient….I talked to my boss about it and said it is just a a question of time, it will come back. He agreed that that was what happened, and suggested I take a baby aspirin until I see my doctor. I felt better…that baby aspirin makes me feel like I have some control over my health. I feel more proactive. I see the doctor tomorrow.

    In the meantime, my boss is being so nice! He told me he wants to be a better person, and that he needs my help! He does not want to pressure me or stress me. Sure, he is afraid he will be the cause of me having a major stroke! Today, he told me he has been very hard on me. He sure has!


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  • #181283

    justbella
    Participant

    Hello Jacqueline,

    I am so glad that you’re seeing the doctor tomorrow, and that you are on the baby Aspirin. I wish I could have been there over the past few days, to have given you some TLC.

    I’m glad your boss made a point of saying he will behave. You do not need the stress.

    And you have reached an acceptance over your son’s and girlfriend’s withholding behavior about Lou. It is not right, but railing against it will not improve the situation. I hope he comes to his senses. Neither of them realizes how blessed they are to have such a loving grandmother nearby for their daughter.

    I hope that Diablo and Star have continued to improve with the med, and I know they are comforting presences.

    Please feel my affection and support for you, across cyberspace. All of the Comfies love and admire you.


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  • #181286

    Jacqueline
    Participant

    Kate, dear sweet Kate, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. You know exactly what to say! And you understand exactly how I feel. My kitties are my comforts….the med is working, but I will probably increase Star’s because she is still sneezing.

    And yes, although it hurts, although I cannot understand, I have reached a level of acceptance with the Lou situation. Tomorrow is my son’s birthday, so I will call him. But it is an obligation, not what I really want. And, the girlfriend’s birthday is the next day! Every year, I have to keep asking when I can take them out for supper. Last year, I asked 8 weeks before their birthdays, and we only celebrated in August! THIS year will be different. I will not mention anything. I will give them their gifts whenever, as well as the present from my friend for the baby. I have only been driving around with it in my trunk for 3 weeks!

    My appointment was this morning. My doc is not so sure it was a mini stroke. It is weird because I was able to speak coherently, except for three words. For five minutes, I could not articulate only those words. So, Monday I will be fitted with a Holter Machine to monitor my heartbeat. I also am on a list for an MRI and a heart doppler test, and to see a neurologist. I have opted to go private. I do not want to wait months for the hospital to call me. This is too important and I am worth it. He said to continue with the baby aspirin.


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  • #181287

    lottie
    Participant

    Hello Kate ,Jacqueline and Bubbly.

    Thank you Kate and Jacqueline for your kind words.

    Feel my affection and support,what a lovely words to Jacqueline.

    Kate your wording is so beautiful I wish I could write like you.

    You also feel embarrassed about opening up here.It is difficult, I tend to think people will know it is me.I hope unlikely.As for intelligent I never think I am, so I will for once accept the compliment and thank you once more.The Dying to Wake I shall read again,I always expect to remember every dam word I read and cant.As for the tunnel with light I thought yesterday I would have been through it with people from my past waiting to take me with them,hand in hand. Like my mother last February kept looking up to the ceiling saying to whoever it was or whatever she saw ,”they wont let me come” and kept laughing. At the end of Dying To Wake the author says he wrote a letter of forgiveness to his demon father,saying he did forgive him but wouldn’t forget.In the NDE he met his father and they smiled together.Much much more to read so very interesting.It has changed his life.

    Today I feel better although look a wreck. D actually invited me to lunch and PAID spending time talking about my father and also suggested meditating.She was very kind.Can you believe seeing my weakness today and was very supportive.Yesterday I really thought the end for me was near,that is how sad and bad it was. Dwelling on family problems is my enemy.

    I know I will get through this and will keep away from my father.The whirl in my mind is so tiring.From tomorrow I will be at work for 3 days with plenty to occupy my mind, on my own. A close friend of only two years has also asked me to meet in my lunch break. She has a very contagious laugh although she says it is me who makes her laugh.

    Kate you are “Wonder Woman”, have you got one of those outfits she used to wear?? I blab on about me and you have just as many upsets maybe more yet have time to reply with positives.

    We will get there in the end.Feel my affection.The warmth in those words.

    I most certainly will get the film Snowman and Commonwealth. Thank you. Two more books have arrived from Amazon”The Nuns Story” by Sister Agatha,and “The Gifts of Imperfection”by Brene Brown. This last book I saw on this site I think it was Amy who recommended.

    Feel my affection Kate,you are one in a million.

    Jacqueline how sorry I am to hear you may have had a mini stroke.That is so terrible.The stress you have had at work.At least your boss has realised he has given you a hard time,and is being kind.I pray all is well at the doctors tomorrow,please keep us posted.

    As for your son and girlfriend.Words near fail me.To me it is down right cruel. They only live up the road,for gods sake.What a way to celebrate a new birth,withholding your rights as grandmother.You have been looking forward to this birth for so long.It is the girlfriend who rules the roost,he may well wear the trousers,but she tells him which pair to put one.What a Madam . Sorry for being outspoken yet again.How mean spirited people can be. So sorry Jacqueline.Wish I lived nearer to you.

    On a brighter note have you heard about the interview from your vet friend. Has he relayed any inside information about the interview.Of course we know you go for a trial Mid March.BUT it is always exciting getting the juicy bits as an extra!!Let us know ppplllleeeaassseee.Promise not to spread it.As if I would.

    Also thank you for your kindness regarding my upset this week.It has been the pits this week,and now I feel loads better. Back at work in the morning.

    Very big hugs for tomorrow. Take care and very best wishes to all. Lottie


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  • #181288

    Jacqueline
    Participant

    Hi Lottie…so glad you posted. I am happy that your D at least took you out and PAID!

    Whatever you want to share with us, is always welcome. We all have our moments of weakness, feeling down, etc. It is called BEING HUMAN!!! And, I am sure you do NOT look terrible. We always see ourselves in the worse light.

    Thank-you for your support. I cannot do anymore than I already have, so I will let this go. Time will tell.

    By now you have seen that our posts crossed and I mention my dr’s. appointement that was this morning.


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  • #181290

    justbella
    Participant

    Hi Jacqueline and Lottie,

    Jacqueline, thanks for posting about the doctor’s visit. I am so happy that you didn’t have a TIA, and it’s good that your doctor is doing monitoring and testing, and sending you to a neurologist. I think you are absolutely correct to go private, so that you don’t have to wait.

    I also think you’re correct not to mention taking your son and his girlfriend to dinner. I am still hopeful that they will do the right thing and have you over soon, but they haven’t behaved well so far and besides, it took them too long to arrange the dinner last year.

    I’m sorry that Star is still sneezing, and hope the med will soon do the trick there.

    Thank you so much for letting us know what the doctor said. I have checked back today at regular intervals.

    Lottie, I am so glad that you are feeling better today. Amazing that even the D. came through for you! And it’s great that you will get together with the other friend for lunch. And being back at work will help to take your mind off of the family issues.

    I think all three of you, Jacquline, Julie and you are fine writers, as was Darlene. Your kind words about my writing are much appreciated, because I have been so mired in dealing with both Drains, plus all of the stuff with my father, the lawyer, etc., that I sometimes find it hard to write a coherent sentence!

    My cousin called today, and I was telling her about some of the stuff in my father’s town. She said she didn’t think I should contemplate living there, because I wouldn’t be able to go to the grocery store without people running up to tell me how wonderful my father was. Of course, I know these people would think they were being kind to me, so I would have to respond politely, while thinking, “If only you knew.” Not a pleasant scenario when all one wants to do is pick up some scallions!

    Well, I hope both of you have a good evening. I am relieved that today has been a better day than yesterday, for all of us I think.


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  • #181292

    Jacqueline
    Participant

    I cannot believe you were actually checking to see if I updated what happened at the doctor’s today, Kate. I am touched beyond words.

    Life isn’t always fair. Oftentimes, it is hard, cruel, and painful. But we never give up. We keep trying our best to make it better. Knowing we have each other, makes it all worthwhile. Kate, Lottie, and Julie, you are amazing!


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  • #181294

    justbella
    Participant

    Hi Jacqueline,

    Yes, as a horrible poem my mother once sent me put it, we have to just “keep ‘a goin.'” At least the poems sentiment was a good one! The times in my life when I’ve allowed myself to become mired have definitely been the most miserable. Having Comfie companions along the way makes the going infinitely easier!

    Well, I haven’t mentioned this: we have had some unexpected expenses here, some repairs which can not be put off. We have looked at the prospect from every different angle over the past week or so, and although we can cut costs some (or so we hope), we’re going off budget. That part we can cope with, that is just life, but the part that really gives me the willies is that this means I will have to have contact with the M.D. During the past little while, I had resolved to shoulder the remaining bills from our partnership. (Will have to write about that one day, and explain why we will still have bills. Am just a bit reluctant to get into it on a public forum, as long as it is on-going.) But now that my husband and I will be spending all of this extra money, I can’t foot all of the bills myself.

    Having to return the M.D.’s phone call seems almost unreal to me. I am going to tell her, truthfully, that I don’t feel well and can’t talk long. I really don’t want to hear about her last trip. All she does is go someplace, bask in the sun and stuff her face. It’s what she does here, except she can’t be on the beach here in the winter. She has no understanding about my life, no empathy for me or my husband. We have been here, working to get by, and all she wants to do is use us as an outing. (I am fine with people doing what they want; what I object to is how hatefully she teats others, especially given what an easy life SHE has.)

    Well, all I can do is do my best. I must look at is as business.


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  • #181298

    justbella
    Participant

    P.S.

    I girded my loins and called the M.D. later this morning. I got her voicemail and left a message saying that I hadn’t been well this week (true), and so it would be better to talk next week. Not half an hour later she called: “I think you called my cell; I think you did. So I’m returning your call, if you called. I will call you on Sunday, that is if you haven’t called me by then.” Well, of course she knows I called, that is why she was calling me! Also, is she incapable of listening to voicemail? No, she has listened to it before.

    Someone suggested I write her instead of calling, and that’s a good suggestion, except for the fact that she NEVER picks up her mail. Nor does she e-mail. No, nothing can be that easy with her.

    Groan! I will NOT pick up the phone when she calls this weekend, having already told her that it would be better to talk next week.


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  • #181303

    Jacqueline
    Participant

    Hi Kate and Fellow Comfies:

    I am so upset to hear about those extra expenses, Kate, and the fact you have had to contact the MD. But, at least you did so on your terms.

    It was my son’s birthday today, and I really did not want to call him. I had so hoped to get his answering machine, but he picked up! We talked and he mentioned the baby, and I told him I do not know what it feels like to be a grandmother. I was able to remind him of my “baggage” and how I have been open and honest about my feelings. He explained how he and the girlfriend have been so overwhelmed by Lou’s health issues, and that it has nothing to do with me! That he knows I will be an amazing grandmother and they both want me to come over as soon as possible. I confided my own health issues and how I would not have mentioned anything if not for this conversation.

    I certainly hopes this makes the future brighter as far as the family goes. I told my son that all I want to do is love Little Lou.


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  • #181304

    justbella
    Participant

    Hello Jacqueline,

    If it weren’t sad, it would be funny that both of us were hoping to reach answering machines yesterday. Well, we might as well get a chuckle, even so!

    In your case, I’m glad you reached your son, because I think it was courageous and important for you to express your feelings and to tell him about your own health concerns. I think being open with him could indeed make the future brighter.

    Well, on top of everything else, we have no heat this morning! I hope it’s not a major problem. Such is life, of course, but I’m concerned because of the other expenses.


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  • #181305

    Jacqueline
    Participant

    Good Morning Kate and Everyone:

    I hope it is not too cold out there, Kate. Can you call a repairman to find out what the problem is? (Hope you won’t get an answering machine…lol) It always seems that everything happens at once, and it is never a good time to add to our expenses.

    But, as long as we still have our sense of humour, all is not lost.

    Today is the girlfriend’s birthday; yep, my son and her are one day apart. But, I will take the easy way out. I can get away with texting her, as she does to me!

    Kate, I hope the heat situation will be rectified asap. I do not want to think of you in a cold house. Keep us posted, okay?


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  • #181313

    justbella
    Participant

    Hi Jacqueline,

    Oh, that’s right: You had mentioned that the girlfriend’s birthday is the day after your son’s. Great that you can text her.

    Thanks for asking about the heat! Fortunately, the heating co. came relatively quickly and the boiler is now back on. The Minor D. had invited me over today, and I was looking forward to going–especially when I woke up to no heat!–but she sounded horrible today, really congested. Bad colds and the flu have been going around here.

    I guess I will go out on a constitutional, although it’s tempting to stay inside, in the heat!

    Hope you are having a good afternoon with the kitties. My dog is asleep here on the couch. Her great doggy friend has had some seizures, and is seeing a canine neurologist on Mon. His regular vet thinks he might have epilepsy, and says meds work well for it. This pooch is madly in love with my dog. When she goes past his house, if he sees her, he will stand up, gaze out the window and bark at his human to be let out.


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  • #181314

    Jacqueline
    Participant

    Whew! Glad the heat problem is fixed. You did not need to get sick again, either.

    Too bad about your doggie’s buddy. It is so heartbreaking when there is something wrong. I hope he will be okay.

    I am not sure I understand if you will see the Minor D today. Since she is under the weather, you have to watch out for your own health.

    It is nice here. I went out very early for a walk to get my newspaper. It is a ritual I love to do on Saturdays, when I can. It felt good to be out walking!

    It is starting to snow very lightly now and it is so pretty to watch.


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  • #181326

    justbella
    Participant

    Hi Jacqueline,

    Hope you had a good Saturday. I know you got in a walk and watched the snow! We haven’t had much snow this winter. I always enjoy watching it, too.

    Well, the boiler went down again, and they can’t get a necessary part until Monday. They did a temporary fix, but it only worked for a few hours, so no heat last night. I woke up in the very early morning, couldn’t sleep, so have been up for a while now, and it’s not quite five a.m. I guess we’ll try to get them back out today.

    Sorry I wasn’t clear about the Minor D, not that it’s very interesting. I meant that I wasn’t going to visit, because of her illness. Too bad, though, at least there would have been heat!

    When the Major D. didn’t listen to my voice mail the other day– just left that message for me, asking if I’d called–she said she’d call here on Sun. Of course, her saying that means nothing; she may well have forgotten. I won’t be talking to her if she does call: She should have listened to the message.

    It isn’t “very Christian of me,” as a friend of mine used to say, but the fact that she is so wealthy and so insensitive to the strain that worrying about money puts on normal people also makes me want to avoid her. I know that you can’t help being born into wealth any more than you can help being born into poverty, but there are plenty of wealthy people who have compassion for those less fortunate.

    Will a cardiologist give you the heart monitor tomorrow? I know you’ll be seeing a neurologist, but who will fit the monitor? I am so glad you are going private, and having everything checked out as soon as possible.


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  • #181327

    Jacqueline
    Participant

    Not again, Kate! I guess you do not have portable heaters or a fireplace, or an electric blanket…

    I am glad you decided not to see the Minor D. “Not very Christian of you”???? Just because you are a good Christian, a good Catholic, a good Jew, does not make you a good PERSON. And, there is nobody better than YOU, Kate!!! How about when YOU don’t feel well, when YOU don’t feel like talking, and these drains aren’t very “christian” and invade your privacy, and do not respect your wishes??

    I stayed in yesterday after the walk, and did alot around the house, cooked, read, and snuggled with my kitties. Could not find a good movie, so watched re-runs of Deal or No Deal (which I always loved) and ate my licorice!

    Tomorrow, it is a technician who will install the Holter Monitor at 7:30 a.m. Then, 24 hours later, it will be removed. I cannot take a shower or bath until the test is over. I go for a cardiogram and doppler test mid February, and am awaiting a call from the neurologist and for an MRI. Will keep you posted. In the meantime, I feel great. But am glad to check this out, as I do not want to have to go through a repeat performance.

    Stay warm, Kate. Snuggle with your puppy and your hubby 😉


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  • #181331

    justbella
    Participant

    HI Jacqueline,

    A day with kitties, “Deal or No Deal” and licorice sounds perfect.

    I’m thinking of renting “Place in the Sun” again, because I saw it mentioned on something, and one of my friends (not a drain!) said he’d never seen it.

    It’s good you’ll only have to wear the monitor for a day, not only because of the inconvenience, but because it means you can get results quickly. Thanks for saying you’ll keep us posted regarding the tests. Not too long until the others, too.

    Oh, I agree that the way the Drains behave is abusive, no matter their religion! But the Major is in church every time the doors open, so that saying of my other friend (daughter of a German Jewish psychiatrist mother and a Japanese businessman father) leapt to mind. In fact, I have never been able to stomach people who think going to church excuses how they treat others, or who don’t at the very least make an effort to treat others well,

    Here, we are still waiting for the boiler co., to see if they can get the boiler up and running until tomorrow, when they will supposedly get the needed part. My bet is that they won’t come out today, or if they do, they won’t be able to do anything else.

    I do have a space heater, but even with my humidifiers going “full steam”–so to speak!–it dries out my sinuses so quickly that I can’t use it for long. Also, it’s a real pain not being able to shower, but will take a sponge bath. At least we have electricity. During Hurricane Sandy, we had none. Know you won’t be able to bathe either on Monday!


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  • #181332

    Jacqueline
    Participant

    I hope they get the boiler running until it is fixed, Kate, and that it is not too cold in your house.

    I will be taking a shower before the monitor is installed! 😉


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  • #181339

    justbella
    Participant

    Hi Jacqueline,

    That’s right: Of course you can shower before the monitor is installed!

    I realize this is a really petty problem, but just to “chat,” will say that the makeshift fix on the boiler did not work at all, so I hope the repairman does get here today! The guy didn’t come yesterday, because he said there was nothing else he can do until the repair. At least we have electricity, so could use the space heater some. During Sandy, we had no electricity.

    I hope the monitor is comfortable to wear today. Will be thinking about you!


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  • #181347

    Jacqueline
    Participant

    And I have been thinking of YOU, Dear Kate…wishing you had the boiler fixed already!

    The monitor is discreet, looks like a little cell phone in a case, attached to my belt. The giveaway is my chest…full of electrodes and patches. However, I do not intend to reveal too much cleavage for the next 24 hours…lol…

    What has changed is that now one has to keep a diary of what activity we did at what time. So, once the tech hooked me up, she wrote the time…then I continued adding I went grocery shopping, did the laundry, and all the other exciting stuff I plan to do today! If I have a coffee, or a glass of wine, or walk on the treadmill, they need to know, as it will raise my heartbeat.

    I really hope your heat problem is solved by now. Can you call the repair guy again?


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  • #181349

    justbella
    Participant

    Hi Jacqueline,

    Thanks for describing the monitor to me. Too funny about now showing cleavage for the next twenty-four!

    I have some interest in medicine and health, and of course have more interest in you, so I appreciate learning about the monitor.

    It would be tempting to describe doing all of these wild things you were doing, and having the doctors marvel at how low your heartbeat remained during all of it: Saving a little old lady from a burning house. Doing a gig with your band. Etc.

    Well, the repairman came and replaced the part and the heat was working, but now I am questioning whether it is. I’m hoping against hope that the boiler is just cycling, but if there’s not heat within the next forty-five minutes, we’ll have to call him again. As is, I’m sitting her with a heating pad.


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  • #181365

    Jacqueline
    Participant

    Uh oh….Hope the heat is back on, Kate.

    Thanks for my laugh of the day about your describing all I could be doing!!!!


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  • #181381

    justbella
    Participant

    Hi Jacqueline,

    Hope your monitor numbers turn out to be normal today. Will be thinking of you!

    The heat is back on, but then later in the day, we discovered a major mistake workmen had made on some other repairs we’re having done! Such is life. I was just happy not to have to sleep in my clothes last night! The night before, I went to bed in everything I’d worn during the day.


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  • #181387

    Jacqueline
    Participant

    Hi Kate!

    Hope the heat is back! I am sorry, but the visual of you being glad not to sleep in your all your clothes for a change, had me giggling and thinking naughty thoughts…sorry….(not..lol) (I can now go back to wearing low cut outfits…;) I am being silly.) The results will be sent to my GP, and since it is all in-house, it will not take long. So, once I am done with all the tests, I will make an appointment.


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  • #181388

    justbella
    Participant

    HI Jacqueline,

    Oh, I see: It makes sense to get all of the results at once.

    Ha! Believe me, I look best with all of my clothes on, including the orange-with-black-cats Halloween socks I was wearing the night before! A green and tan flannel shirt with thin red stripes completed by boudoir ensemble.


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  • #181403

    Jacqueline
    Participant

    I am sure your husband finds it very sexy..lol…

    By the way…where oh where is our Lottie??????


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  • #181408

    justbella
    Participant

    Hi Jacqueline,

    Right before I read your note, I was wondering where Lottie was.

    You must be relieved to be free of your monitor!


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  • #181409

    Jacqueline
    Participant

    Hi Kate!

    Yes, I am glad to be wireless now..lol.

    I hope your boiler has been fixed once and for all.

    Not only has Lottie been missing in action these days, so has our Julie.


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  • #181413

    Bubbles
    Participant

    Hi all! Working on things lately and I got my husband to take a technology break. We needed to get some projects done and actually relate to each other again. So i sneak and use my i pad once in a while and he does too…but his is not doing it 12 hours a day like before! Turning off all the TV’s really helps! Now when i gonout to work on the homes, he does about 7 hours a day organizing our home room by room. Only 3 or 4 days of this but so far so good. Today he is finishing the attic. He watches 3 hrs of TV still a night but that is better than all day and all night.

    How bout we start a new thread for Feb? Go to Comfies Part 6 !!! Lottie, come back!! And Lauren and Darlene and others welcome too!


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