Comfies Part 5
- January 3, 2017 at 11:33 pm #180689
- January 4, 2017 at 1:42 am #180692
- January 4, 2017 at 9:01 am #180694
- January 4, 2017 at 9:08 am #180695
While posting on “Comfies,” my eye was drawn to a recent response Irene made to a young woman who wrote in asking how to keep friends when you have a mental disorder. I was impressed by Irene’s reply, and noted she began by saying that it was good the young woman had insight into the fact that her issues might impact her friendships. Yet again, I was struck by the fact that the M.D. refuses to acknowledge that she has any problems! Irene also mentioned that the young woman could address her concerns with her therapist. Well, of course my M.D. is seeing the church counselor, but is trying to prove to her that she doesn’t have a problem, so that the counselor will give her a “clean bill of health” for the medical record.
As I read the young woman’s question and Irene’s reply, I realized, yet again, what a bad situation I’m in with the M.D. And it’s also just such a weird situation, because she IS seeing a therapist!
- January 4, 2017 at 11:50 am #180699
Kate, yes, it depends on the therapist i think. At the spa we could get free counseling if we wanted it since things would come up when you begin to be able to think clearly from eating only raw vegetables and juices for a week. The friend got the free counseling but she told me all she talked about with him was how to help her bi polar companion. And they tried to suggest the electronic device that cost $5000.00. She seemed to fall for everything that comes along. She used to sell essential oils. She was involved (she said) and lived for years at three different cults, one in India, she says. One she had to pray 16 hours a day. Two more texts thanking me for telling her about the health center. I did not respond. Im glad it helped her. Perhaps that was the purpose of the short friendship, just to bring her there. At least it is not a cult. It is 25 degrees here and im putting out thawed hummingbird feeders every few hours. The little birds need food!
- January 4, 2017 at 1:13 pm #180700
How nice of you to feed the birds! That’s why we always do at my father’s place.
It does sound as if your spa friend is searching for some way to find peace, to make her life better. Sad that she had to resort to cults a couple of times. It is generous of you to feel that maybe this brief relationship was meant to happen so that she could find some peace with what she learned at the health spa. My bet would be that she will continue to search, though, because I think she doesn’t grasp that she needs to change from within. But, yes, the health spa experience seems to have enriched her life for the moment, and that’s for the good.
The situation with my friend’s therapist is such a weird one. Her church has a counseling center, and she sees someone there who has a master’s in divinity, not in psychology. There is a psychiatrist who meets with my friend once every six months, to check her medication, but she is largely going on what the counselor says. And as I know you must be sick of hearing, my friend is only seeing the counselor in the hope of getting her to write a letter for her medical record. She hopes this letter will balance out what is already in her medical record from the hospital doctors: Bipolar 1, involuntarily commitment, potentially dangerous, etc.
At any rate, I was just struck by the difference between my friend and the girl who wrote Irene. I wish that my friend, like this girl, were someone who had self-insight, and who was concerned about how her behavior might impact her friendships.
My hubby is at home sick today. As usual, he refused to see the doctor, and then went into a bad sinus infection by the time I finally got him to go. Now he’s on antibiotics, but has only been on time a day. These infections are scary to me. I knew someone at a stable who had to be hospitalized for a respiratory infection; he seemed to be kicking it, but then his heart gave out. I think the infection had gone to his heart. And he was only in his forties, and physically fit.
- January 4, 2017 at 1:42 pm #180702
Hi Bubbly Kate and Jacqueline,
To let you know I am here now,but left my last message on 5 moments ago.
Bubbly the friend seems quite dangerous with money and up for anything.If it’s not diamonds,or interior design projects it seems always costs money then no doubt returns it. The good thing Bubbly you are taking no truck with her,she will eventually I hope drift away.
Kate I hope your hubby is taking it easy and you are smothering him with love.Take it easy Kate its pampering time. It is damp and cold here and work tomorrow. Hope all is well Jacqueline you baby and kitties. Lottie
- January 4, 2017 at 2:20 pm #180704
I read your post here and the one on Comfies 4.
LOL about your D thinking the church has nothing left to teach her, that’s she’s on a higher plane of existence. And also about her reaching for the biscuits, etc. And being so loudwhen she talks and with her cell phone. And, yes, she didn’t like your attending the service, because people responded favorably to you.
Once again, I have to say that our D’s are “twins separated at birth.” My D would have behaved exactly the same, exactly. Regarding cell phones, have I told you that she always has her on speaker? In the past, she would call me from a restaurant where she loved to go to stuff her face (I see her and your D constantly eating, constantly trying to fill their emptiness in some way, constantly draining). Well, it turned out that she was talking to me with the phone on speaker, so the people sitting next to her could hear the entire conversation. I hated learning that, and they hated hearing someone else’s conversation, of course. Not to mention that she always shouts when she talks. On a number of occasions, she would get into arguments with nearby diners who asked her to be quiet, please. Sometimes, a manager would be involved. Now, a normal person would have been embarrassed, but she just thought that the people who were asking her to be quiet were being unreasonable. And, just like your D., Lottie, she actually loved having all of the attention focused on her: That of the outraged diners, that of nearby tables, that of the manager, of me, etc.
Harking back to religion for a moment, I respect other people’s religious beliefs, but I don’t like it when someone claims to be “holier than thou,” while treating those around them horribly. Also, my D. makes bargains with God. When she goes on her crash diets, she says that her arrangement with God is that if she loses weight, she will have blessings throughout the year. This is her typical entitled view of things. Other people lose weight and are happy with the weight loss itself, but for her, weight loss has to involve a bargain with the Creator, who then will be so pleased by HER weight loss that she will receive other blessings. The weight loss isn’t enough for her.
- January 5, 2017 at 4:16 pm #180725
Sorry Kate wasn’t able to log back in last night yet ok into any others,puzzling.The screen says ERROR with server.
Hello to Jacqueline,Bubbly and all.Hoping the New Year is going well for you.
Just doing some D talk with Kate. The saga continues,lets laugh.
The Ds are so alike it’s unbelievable. One thing I must add is that my D is rake thin.Her siblings call her “bones”. Smoking and drinking keep her going.On saying that any food up for grabs she is there first, putting it into mouth and bag.She eats when visiting people then starves when not.
Sit down before you read this Kate….I was once out with her and my sister in a tearoom(years ago) she picked up a bottle of HP sauce and passed it to me telling me to put into my bag. My sister was shocked(nothing she does shocks me anymore). Obviously I refused.She put it into her own bag. Totally unnecessary and ridiculous.She spoils herself with her cheapness and lies,and thieving.As we left the strap on her bag snapped. So embarrassing.Its those cheap tricks she pulls which also let her down.Why the heck she does it I will never know.Sorry to say I would never ever include her to a party at home,my hubby would go mad.Plus she is so loud and boastful,she can’t help herself.Often she says she isn’t a snob. It is like reversed snobbery with her,if you get my meaning.She has no regard for others feelings.Her trumpet is forever blowing. All avenues lead back to her!!
Plus she hates me to think she drinks,saying rarely touches it.Yet I am 100% positive without any proof she was plastered Christmas Day.Says she doesn’t smoke yet does it smells on her clothes It is almost as if she wants me to approve of her.We have a drink most nights and have never smoked yet she knocks our life style,disapproving of what we eat. Just like Bubblys friend dictating how she eats.
On BD she started ending her words and speaking in a phoney voice ,it sounded like a foreign language,I even thought is she drunk from the day before.Infact I near asked why she was speaking in a funny voice.
As for being “holier than thou” she if possible would have us believe she is in private contact with God. She says she remembers having lived before,so I asked WHAT it was like actually dying.The jargon started, probably that was when I nodded off.
Between us Kate we could write a book of experiences with Ds.Lauren was correct in saying we should stop calling Ds… My D. If we say just D it would refer to either. My hubby is laughing saying she is like a Cherry Picker on a building site but reaching for food and drink!!
Oh and yes I got mixed up with C4 and C5 yesterday.
Hoping your hubby is feeling much better. Take it easy Kate hope you have had a laugh. Lottie
- January 6, 2017 at 4:07 am #180730
Great to hear from you, Lottie, and sounding as feisty as ever!
Reading about all these Drain behaviours, made me think that you and Kate should collaborate on a book “How to Unclog Your Life From Drains”, and have a section with “Julie’s Lists To Live A Better Life”!!!
How is hubby today, Kate? It makes you wonder what is wrong with these men, who let themselves get so sick, before finally agreeing to see the doctor??
Baby Lou is doing well. My son continues to send me pics, although I would much prefer seeing the real thing. He has not invited me over (and I will not ask, since he keeps mentioning how “tired” they all are, and when I had mentioned coming over while I was still on vacation, he started spouting all these “rules” they have. Oh, and the best was he said, “This is not about YOU, Mom, it is about (girlfriend’s name) and Lou!), yet in the photos, I see all the visitors who have been over. So, my walls have gone up higher, and I am distancing myself once again.
I am glad I have my own new little baby, right here.
- This reply was modified 2 weeks ago by Jacqueline.
- This reply was modified 2 weeks ago by Jacqueline.
- January 7, 2017 at 12:11 pm #180769
Hi there Jacqueline Bubbly and Kate,
Sorry to not be able to log in.Here now. At the end of the last post there appears a large box,this doesn’t happen on the odd times I try to comment,there is no box and says… log in which I do,yet am able to post on all the others.Today I pressed the circular arrow at the top of the page that has helped.
Jacqueline,I am so sorry to hear of yet more stress relating to your son and his strict rules. To see photos on Facebook is so hurtful. You have so much love to give.A mother like you is something to treasure.Take a back seat like that party at the witches this time a year ago where you were not invited,but your son was.You have your kitties. Bide your time Jacqueline it might also be his partner poking her nose in and pulling his strings.Has she got her mother on the scene,just a thought??
I can imagine the hurt you feel,it will not set you back you are a force to be reckoned with. Out of curiosity do they live far away,could you not call in,or has girlfriend made it “by invitation only”???? Take care Lottie.
Ps I am reading and answering as I go along to catch up!!
- January 6, 2017 at 7:26 am #180732
Hello Lottie and Jacqueline,
First, thanks for asking about my hubby. He is getting better, since he started the antibiotics. Any time he’s ever needed them, I have to mount a campaign to get him to see a doctor. It’s exhausting.
Lottie, that is too much about the D lifting a bottle of HP sauce!
My D (easiest way to distinguish) went through a period of being fixated on free pens; but then this extended to her thinking that whenever she bought something she should get a free pen–and of course most places do NOT give out free pens. She would ask people if she could have their pen when she would fill out credit card receipts. It was so bizarre.
I think they are both like cherry pickers!
Jacqueline, I was just floored when I read about your being discouraged from coming over to see Lou, especially when you see photos of others visiting. Do you think the girlfriend is into trying to establish some sort of weird turf thing? I am so sorry about this. I hope that she snaps out of it. Her hormones may be causing her to behave oddly. I am very glad that you have Star right now. This harks back to what I was saying the other day about our pets often being of more comfort, being more responsive.
Speaking of walls going up, last night I was talking to the Minor D, and even though she has behaved well since her scene right after my birthday, I can’t warm up to her. Although this is sad, I think it’s a good development. I can tell that she notices.
Even if it’s sad to withdraw, it’s healthy. Even with the MD, we used to have some fun, warm times, but only because I kept forgiving her and forgiving her. Forgiving her was okay, but the error was continuing to let her back into my life. Even if the case of your granddaughter, Jacqueline, I think you are right to put up some walls in order to protect yourself. I do hope an invitation is issued soon, however.
- January 7, 2017 at 12:29 pm #180771
Hi there Kate,
Have explained to Jacqueline about not getting logged in then I have to catch up.
Yes M also begged pens when we were out with my sister,infact anything that is free she grabs.It is nauseating to say the least. Glad your hubby is on the way back to the land of the living. Do you know my hubby is what I call a wimp. Remember the film ET when he says OUCH,that is the word my hubby says if he even knocks himself.I tell him to pull his self together.If he has a cold he seems to snivel for my attention.So annoying,especially if I am here writing to Comfies.Always manages to want to know what we are at here.Maybe he thinks I have a gentleman friend ha ha.
I feel for Jacqueline it reminds me of that party last year when she was couped up in her room and people using her bathroom at the witches. This is very hurtful and I like you feel for her.Wish we were all closer.We would use some good choice words I bet.
For sure Jacqueline will get an invitation.
Take care Kate,I am answering as I go through the posts so forgive me if it looks like I am being ignorant. Lottie
- January 6, 2017 at 12:38 pm #180736
Jacqueline! A new kittie!! How great! And they are friends your two. I have 2 and its better than one. Kate and Lottie , yes, drains really have their quirks dont they. My spa drain always returns stuff after using it,mgets into plays, etc free, goes to the timeshare meetings just to get the free trip, copied all her things at a store sinnce she would not buy a copy machine/ printer. Yet brags about all her money. She told me my hair would look better shorter and curly. I did get it a little shorter butbit can go curly or straight. Once i wore it straight and she got upset asking what happened to the curls!!!! I had to twll her i sometimes flat iron it to get a different look or curl it too for variety. But why should I have to explain!!!??? Its crazy. My husbands colonoscopy went well, clean bill of health. I had to take a nap after that because of all the support i gave him eating jello and drinking clear liquids, bringing him there, etc. it has been quiet here since i blocked two of the drains, the spa one and the money borrowing one. They can text if they want to. Have a good day all!!!
- January 7, 2017 at 12:41 pm #180772
Just having a glass of your namesake, hubby is snoring away. Sorry to hear about your hubby and so glad he is absolutely well. It is worrying when they are not supposed to be well and releiving when they are.
Your return friend has a cheek taking things back.Going on a timeshare holiday are very hard sell. Years ago we were in the Gambia and got talked into visiting a new TS site whilst there. They near locked us up and even bombarded us with phone calls when we came home.No thanks.
Your D tells you about your hair just like mine saying with a smirk it looks like a horses mane.Hers looks like Norman Helmet,lets laugh!!! Take care just catching up. Lottie
- January 6, 2017 at 1:08 pm #180737
Glad the colonoscopy went well! And now you can recover. Ha! I feel as if I’m recovering from my hubby’s sinus infection, after all but carrying him to the doctor.
I think it’s great that you can vary how you wear your hair, and that you enjoy a change of look. I think that’s much more interesting than wearing it the same way all the time. BUT, the point is that it’s YOUR hair.
Yes, Drains are really users, Really something that the spa Drain brags about her money, but takes whatever she can. And I think they also love to tell others what to do. Over the years, mine has told me how I should decorate my place (her own is a disaster), what I should wear and even told me I was wearing the wrong color of blush. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind constructive suggestions from a girlfriend, but this is more of an attempt at a military coup, where I HAVE to listen to what she says.
Once she told me what piece of furniture I needed to put in my study, saying SHE had never seen me use an old tack truck I had there. Well, 1. I had some projects I was working on stored on top of the trunk, but I didn’t want her to see me working on them. 2. That trunk had been handmade for me by my father when I was a kid. 3. I did not want the ugly piece of furniture SHE wanted me to replace the trunk with.
Also, I had a wall-mounted microwave which gave up the ghost, and when I wanted to replace it, discovered they no longer made models like that one which attached to the wall. So she told me I HAD to get these big ugly metal brackets to hold up a new microwave like the old one. I said I didn’t like how that would look. She said, “It doesn’t matter how it looks.” Why didn’t how it looked matter?! It mattered to me. She said, really angrily, “Well, you HAVE to do it!” I said I didn’t have to do anything, but that if I did replace the microwave, I would just get one for the counter. (She was really invested in my having a microwave, since she used to spend weekend here at that point, and was worried she wouldn’t be able to heat up things quickly when she wanted to.)
Oh, yuck! How did I tolerate her for so long? I kept making excuses for her, and kept thinking I could endure her bad behavior.
- January 7, 2017 at 4:28 am #180753
Good Morning, Dear Friends!
Glad to hear all is well with the hubbies, Kate and Julie. When it comes to their health, they are like big babies! No wonder they wear us out!
Reading your MDs weird obsessions and behaviours is really something. At the time, we did not recognize it the way we do now. You were both trying to be a good friend to someone who was wacko! Also, in order to be able to accept how they treated us, we just kept raising the bar on our level of tolerance, so that we would feel “comfortable” and more accepting of what they were doing to us.
Kate, I met my best friend for lunch yesterday. She had a gift bag for Lou. We talked about alot of stuff, and then I said to her that she must be wondering why I have not mentioned my granddaughter. Oh, she noticed that! I explained that everything I had discussed with my son before she was born, about him not leaving me out, and me wanting to be a part of her life, was now becoming reality. I asked her, “Where is that feeling of becoming a grandmother? I don’t have it. I feel nothing, thanks to .all the “rules” my son and his g/f have put into effect. I feel more for my new kitty! At least my animals love me unconditionally! And do not tell me what to do, etc.”
As I was saying all this, my best friend broke down and started crying. I was emotional too, but no tears. She felt so bad, and like you said, Kate, my best friend says she believes the girlfriend is the one behind all this. I find it hard to believe, as there are so many times she has been so kind to me. “She was only pretending!” proclaimed my friend.
- January 7, 2017 at 5:26 am #180754
I can understand why your best friend was crying, because you are such a warm and generous person, full of love to give and share with your granddaughter. You were so eagerly anticipating her birth and so thrilled when you met her. You do not deserve this treatment, and your son should speak to his girlfriend, if he hasn’t already, and explain that it is important for you, him and your granddaughter that you be included.
Your son and his girlfriend don’t realize how lucky they and your granddaughter are to have you. Also, you have been kind enough and open enough to forge a friendship with your ex and his wife, which makes the whole situation much easier for all involved; there would be no awkwardness at family gatherings with your granddaughter because of the ease with which you can meet with your ex and his wife.
I bet the girlfriend is jealous of your position, so to speak, and wants to establish her turf with your son and the baby. You son should tell her that she can’t allow other people to visit and then not allow his own mother to visit. You are not an overbearing person; there is no reason for this exclusion. I really wish I could speak to your son! I know he wants to please his girlfriend, but he shouldn’t allow you to be hurt like this. It’s not as if you want to move in with them; you just want to visit! I am hoping that he will come to his senses, that he will think about all that you said to him about fearing this would happen, and that he will do the right thing. Lou isn’t just his girlfriend’s baby; she is his, too, and he has some rights.
Again, I am so glad that you have Star. It’s as if she was meant to come into your life at this time.
- January 7, 2017 at 5:42 am #180755
I thank you for your support, as always, Kate. I agree with everything you said! BUT, (there is always a “but”) there are reasons people do not do what is obvious to outsiders. Maybe he just “can’t”….(I have been totally honest and open about my feelings, as you know…) I look back at myself…”How could you have stayed so long with your ex? I never…..etc…” Easier said than done, isn’t it? There are reasons, whatever they are.
It is just too bad, so sad.
I have come too far to let this bring me down. It is upsetting and hurtful, but life goes on. There is so much good in my life and I appreciate it all, so I will focus on that! Love you Kate xox
- This reply was modified 1 week, 6 days ago by Jacqueline.
- This reply was modified 1 week, 6 days ago by Jacqueline.
- January 7, 2017 at 7:34 am #180757
As always, your attitude is commendable, Jacqueline. And I hope I wasn’t too hard on your son. My apologies! Yes, I am sure that he has his reasons.
The important thing is that you are focusing on the many positives in your life.
I also believe that you will be invited to visit soon. I don’t think you will be excluded from Lou’s life.
I’m going to stay inside today and read. Have a whole pile of good books! Also, just ordered a book on folk art. I met someone who bought a piece of my father’s furniture for her small museum. I tried to buy it back, and she wouldn’t sell it, even though I was going to pay her more than the purchase price. Although I didn’t appreciate that, I did enjoy talking with her, and we plan to meet on my next visit home. Just wrote her for recommendations of books about folk art. The one I ordered was one I found online. It’s possible to learn so much online, of course, but I enjoy holding an actual book, and I enjoy looking at photos more in print than I do online.
Have a good weekend. Give Diablo and Star my regards!
Love you, too!
- January 7, 2017 at 1:01 pm #180780
Jacqueline honey we love you,we do.Only moments ago I posted you a reply saying I bet it is the girlfriend who has laid down the B….y law as to who comes when . The thing is Jacqueline, baby Lou wont yet have a clue who you are and probably not even them who have been the CHOOSEN ONES to visit.Your time will come with a vengeance(not quite) so watch out mean people the LOVED ONE WILL BE THERE SOON showering love on baby LOU.
Comfort is in our pets who love us regardless of what we do. Only today I met a friend who never ever cries. Her little dog has been run over by a bus when out with her adult son and grandchild. Totally quashed,whilst walking down a narrow lane on his lead. He jumped out at the bus.The little grandson is having nightmares and now a family rift has begun,the blame put on the son. She cried more throughout our lunch. Lottie
- January 7, 2017 at 1:32 pm #180781
Comfies, Lottie here,
I have wanted so much to catch up so have done some personal annoying replies instead of keeping in order.Forgive me I am who I am lol.
Have to yet again Jaqcueline mention your son.He is overridden by his girlfriend,she no doubt is wearing the trousers or he is, but she tells him whats what. He probably is more easier going for a PEACEFUL life with her.You know the strenght of his character Jacqueline she gives the ammunition and he has to fire the bullets or else.Lets feel sorry for her that she feels so insecure using baby Lou as a way of being in charge a dispicable trick. Time will be on your side. Do not worry take that back seat. WE LOVE YOU.Step this way for hugs ~~~~~~~~.Can you tell I am feeling better myself??lol.
Kate talking of furniture D also thinks she is an antique dealer. She hasn’t a clue,but talks like she does. She reakons she has a portrait that is worth £millions.It isn’t, just a cheap print she bought from a shop on any high street. She has forgotten I was there when she bought it. If it was genuine she wouldnt have it. Elton John or Charles Saatchi would have it in their private gallery under look and key .Lets all have another laugh.
All have a good weekend. Best wishes to Bubbly Jacqueline and Kate.
Inccidentally did I say my upset friend has also got a new puppy to replace the one who got run over the other day.Plus my boss is having a puppy and has asked if I will have it here with us. Of course it goes without saying.They are always on holiday leaving me to hold the fort,so to say.
- January 7, 2017 at 7:52 pm #180791
My Dear Comfies:
You have all made me smile, with your support and kind words!
My son sent me an email today, saying he will let me know when I can come by to drop off the gift.
I guess the majority wins…it is the girlfriend who wears the pants. I have no idea about her parents going over, but they live out of town. I am sure they have gone over. I live much closer – about a half hour away.
There is nothing more I can do. So, I will sit tight and carry on.
- January 8, 2017 at 6:29 am #180797
Jacqueline, maybe the girlfriend will come to her senses. But I think you’re correct that, in the meantime, you have done all that you can do. The girlfriend is lucky to have you, but is too young and foolish to realize how fortunate she is. It is too often the case that good people are wasted on those who are too foolish to appreciate them. I do think things will change as time passes, but I hate it that you are in the position of having to wait and see. We are with you!
Lottie, of course your D thinks she has a portrait worth millions. Anything a Narcissist has is top drawer, simply because the Narcissist has it. When you think about it, it’s a very tedious personality, very predictable. We do get some laughs, though!
I’m glad your friend whose dog was killed got a puppy. And it sounds as if you will be doing some puppy-sitting for your boss!
Speaking of pets, have to report this. I am friends with the mother of my close friend who died last year. Her mother, who is a horsewoman herself, has my friend’s two horses. A few days ago, she tried to talk me into moving to my father’s place. It would be possible for me to operate my business from there, but my husband could not. Well, this woman said that I should move there on my own (despite my physical limitations…), and that my husband could live here in a hotel and then fly to spend the weekends with me. She said that SHE wanted me to do this so that she could send her horses to me! (Note that she just assumes that we could easily sell our place here, and then stick my husband in a hotel!) I assure you that she was quite serious; she was not joking.
As is, she boards her horses very cheaply, because the stable owner was friends with her daughter. Even If I could take her horses–leaving my husband to do so–I couldn’t possibly afford to keep them for less. There’s hay, shavings, grain, etc., plus I would have to pay someone to do some of the work, because I can’t. I wonder if this woman thinks I would keep them for free?! I can’t afford that! And why should I? I have my own creatures to support.
Forgot to say that before suggesting any of this, she tried to scare me about living in a city (given the current world situation), predicting that we would be attacked, and only afterwards talking about how I should take her horses.
We have been writing about users here. I was really chilled by what she was saying to me: I was supposed to uproot my whole life, and it was only because she hoped to save a little bit of money. (She can afford to keep the horses, but would prefer to spend less money…)
I have been felt sorry for her, but now I feel really on guard. I replied to someone else’s thread yesterday who asked if everyone was a user. I don’t think that everyone is, but there are certainly plant of them out there. I have been so supportive of my friend’s mother during this whole time, but that is clearly not enough for her.
- January 8, 2017 at 6:50 am #180799
I love how certain people think it is okay to tell us how to live our lives!!! They definitely know what is best for us, as long as it is better for THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Kate, it doesn’t matter where you live or where you are in this world. Stuff happens. I remember hearing in the news (last year) that people on vacation at an all inclusive hotel (I forget where) were shot and killed by a terrorist. And, they were on the beach!
I could not believe that your friend’s mother actually told you to sell your house, let your husband commute, and move to your father’s town!!!! What chutzpah!!!!
I am also wondering if she is trying to kind of replace the grief she feels for losing her daughter, with you. In other words, could she consider you as a daughter figure??? And that is why she is doing everything in her power to get you out there. There is no excuse, of course, as she definitely has ulterior motives, and none of them good.
- This reply was modified 1 week, 5 days ago by Jacqueline.
- This reply was modified 1 week, 5 days ago by Jacqueline.
- January 8, 2017 at 7:26 am #180801
Thank you Kate for your reply.Lovely to hear from you.
Jacqueline your son wears the pants she just tells him which pair to put on.Pleased you have had a message. Just a thought,being as you live so close could you not drop in on the way to do some shopping asking if she needs any essentials from the shops.Then say…. oh let me have a quick peep at baby and thank her for the message. Be happ /jolly give girlfriend a hug then be off on your way.She cannot say a thing about you that isn’t good.
Kate what a CHEEKY ARTICLE wanting to unload the horses onto you. Then suggesting your hubby uses a hotel.WHAT, Not one word of thoughts about your illness. These Ds are like buses when one passes another rolls up. She thinks you are dim as if you wouldn’t notice her plot.She is older than you she could pop her clogs and you will have the horses to see to forever. Horses can out live us.Plus how would you get your money. Go round asking, not your style Kate. You have got a medal from past experinence getting money back.Of course she would use the old chestnut about not being able to get to the bank+++then your name would be mud. For me ,I would get the greatest pleasure knocking on the door for outstanding debts,and wouldn’t need an army behind me. Another D round your neck,no way.Wish I closer.
All that scaremongering about being attacked what is she like.I would think there is more chance of being involved in a car accident than terrorists blowing up cities. For gods sake she is so stupid to think you would fall for such an idea. What a plonker,how old is she??? The self centred fool trying to unload onto you.As we who have horses,dogs, kitties parrots+++ they do not
come cheap. Once more being kind towards her gets taken for weakness including Bubbly and me. Take care enjoy your day Comfies. Lottie
Ps Near forgot to say my father has this morning called for assistance again paramedics. We were informed early this morning an ambulance has taken him into hospital… he saying he couldn’t breath,but he is. Lottie
- January 8, 2017 at 7:30 am #180802
- January 8, 2017 at 8:40 am #180803
Here we go again with your father, Lottie…I dread the day (for you) when he calls wolf and there really IS something wrong.
Lottie, thanks for your suggestions, but I really could not just be spontaneous and drop in and ask if my son and g/f needed anything. They have too many “rules and regulations.” When I first started calling Lou (before she was born) “My Baby Lou”, my son let me know, once she was born, that he did not like me calling her that as “She is not YOUR baby, Mom, she is mine and (g/f’s name). She is your grand-daughter.” Oh my, what a terrible thing I did. I will never ever make that mistake again.
When my ex-husband, his wife, and I were invited to meet Lou at the hospital, my son made it a point to tell me I had to be calm and quiet. WHAT? I told my ex, “Calm and quiet are two words that have nothing to do with me!!!” We had a good laugh, and behaved like ME, not like someone I am not.
So, no, Lottie, I will not become an “univited guest”. I am only the grandmother, and I know my “place”. Trust me, I want to say something, but I have to mind my own business. It is THEIR child, and THEY decide whatever (nonsense) they agree on. I do not want to become the meddling grandparent, as it will just create more distance.
However, I will only be able to keep my mouth shut for so long, if they keep treating me disrespectfully. If they want to “punish” me by denying me to be a part of Lou’s life, then so be it. Better that, then for them to keep acting as if I don’t matter. Their loss.
- January 8, 2017 at 9:33 am #180810
I have so much to say!!! Kate, these selfish and ignorant people!!! Trying to push us into changing our whole lives around for them!!! If it is not telling us how to cut and wear our hair, it is changing the dates of our trip to be more convieient for them ( my friend asked me to move my trip to the spa two weeks later which i did so she could go to a show) then being so stupid as to think we would gladly move and change our lives around for them???? The nerve of them!!! When i told my spa friend i had gotten a special deal from the center for free lodging anytime in Feb, i chose to go back there the week of Feb 26 th. She first assumed that she was going back there with me ( wrong assumption) and asked me to change the dates because she likes to be home at rent time which runs from the first to the 4 th. So, im just going to go on Feb 26 th as planned, i have my reservations. She does not need to even know and ut will be a relaxing trip without her there.
Jacqueline, im hurt for you, and am hoping your daughter in laws hard, cold rules do not affect how they raise the sweet baby for life. Sadly, she has declared ownership of the child but i do not understand why they would nit accept a gift!!! What is the real reason she is blocking you access? And when you say ” My baby Lou” it us a clear TERM OF ENDEARMENT!!!! I call my friends sweet dog, “my Baby” and the owner loves it when i say this. Perhaps you could explain that you say that just as a loving term of endearment, one which a closed minded, younger generation does not understand. Why is this girlfriend so defensive? Sounds like she has you in a ” bad” box accidentely. Remember there were problems about that shower? It probably came from her. Somehow she does not like you much. I hope that feeling from her will warm up in the future. I bet the daughter influences your son to keep his distance. Maybe get the son alone and gently try and figure out if the girl has a problem or something. She Owns the child because she bore him. But proper socialization is to let all friends and relatives visit, hold her, etc. hey Jacqueline, if it were me I might try and change something as an actress would do with wigs, clothing, an accent, a new element of personality,metc. …temporarily….just to shake up her viewpoint of you ( which is wrong). Once you break through with her, her fear may dissapear and you will then be IN for goid!!! That could be it, she may be fearful of you, show her what a soft lamb you can be, show her your warm fluffy side for awhile until she falls in love with you. Maybe enlist your son to giver her good info about you, etc. People have fears if they have never gotten to know you..she may have these. Then, if she is fearful, she may not allow herself to truly get to know you. She may shut you off in her mind due to fear. Somehing may have to happen to break the ice. Ask your son what her true feelings are and also what she likes, loves, her passions in life and then you have a chance to try to find common ground with her. Just some random thoughts!!!
Lottie, i love you!!! You are so kind that you too….have these users and selfish people with …very high opinions of themselves …..sucking all they can out of you! Dont give them anything to suck!!!! Observe them if they visit as if you are watching a cartoon show!!! Their ignorance drips out of them like a weeping pus filled infected sore!!! But they do not see how they appear! What a sad joke.
- January 8, 2017 at 9:38 am #180811
- January 8, 2017 at 10:12 am #180813
It is so great that we rally around each other! People can just be so difficult and/or crazy: Lou’s mother, Lottie’s father, Julie’s spa friend, my mother’s friend. Of course we have so many more in our cast of characters; these are just the ones we are discussing today. And one frightening consideration is that they are all convinced they are in the right. If we tried to explain our feelings to them, if we tried to reason with them, we would get nowhere. So it’s good we can respond to each other.
Jacqueline, I do think your son and his girlfriend will come to their senses. They are so fortunate that their daughter has a grandmother who thinks of her as “My Baby Lou.” As Julie says, it is definitely a term of endearment.
Lottie, I am sorry that your father is off on another of his attention-getting trips to hospital. I know that the problem with the lodestars, though, is that you do have to visit, etc., because you never know when it’s like the boy who cried wolf until one day there really was a wolf. You get so tired and worn out that by the time the wolf does appear, you don’t care as much as you once would have. Not that you don’t care, but you’re exhausted.
Julie, so good that you’ll be going to the spa without your new Drain friend.
Thank you, Lottie and Julie, for your responses to my friend’s mother wanting me to sell my house, send my husband to a hotel and board her horses at my father’s place. By the way, just to clarify, she lives here! So I am supposed to move away and take the horses with me!
To answer your question, Lottie, she is in her early seventies, and is in good health. And the horses have a great board situation with very nice turnout, and at the greatly reduced price because of her daughter’s friendship with the stable owner. In fact, I think this stable owner can afford to do this so much easier than I could because I would pay workers reasonably; whereas he hires people who will work for nothing. So I couldn’t offer her board for as little as he does. I have a feeling she would expect not to pay at all, though.
I had to laugh when you called her a “cheeky article.” And, yes, Julie she has plenty of chutzpah!
I think you’re right, Lottie, that she, like so many we know, probably sees kindness as weakness, and maybe even as stupidity! To tell you the truth, I think if I continue to be kind to her, it will be stupid…
And speaking of horses living a long time, I was just looking at “Sunday Morning,” and they did a piece on one which lived to be 40! (I had a mare who lived to 37!)
- January 8, 2017 at 1:12 pm #180819
I will respond later…but my first thought, Julie, is that if I have to try to hard to get the g/f to like me, it ain’t worth it. And, she has never given me any indication that she has bad feelings towards me.
Kate, did you not see my early response to your late friend’s crazy mother?
- January 8, 2017 at 1:14 pm #180820
Sorry to hear about her rules and so on. You were put in your place saying it is their child not YOURS well as if you don’t know, it was your affectinate way of speaking.They have alot to learn.
It reminds me of my late Aunte. My brother died young,very suddenly. My parents never let our Aunte know who lived in walking distance.She heard two days later from her own neighbours. Can you imagine how distraught she was.When Aunte said OUR G….. has died she cried inconsolably,my mother said for all to hear he is NOT YOUR SON HE IS MINE.Even then at my young age I felt the knife go through Auntes heart.She was good enough to look after us when my parents worked.
I am really sorry Jacqueline this has happened,she is one sad g/f.Her manners are shocking.
Yes my father up to his tricks again. He was awkward about if or not he was coming to us Christmas Day.Also told me not to call there so much and to keep away.Rang him yesterday to say hello which started him off. Now this. Well I hope you will be thrilled to know I have not telephoned the hospital today to check on him.Our national papers are full of hospitals being short of beds and patients left in corridors. Take care and enjoy the comfort of your own home with your loving kitties. Lottie
- January 8, 2017 at 1:26 pm #180821
I am so sorry! I must have had a brain fade when I responded, because I distinctly remember what you said about people at an all-inclusive hotel. And when I said she did have a lot of chutzpah, I meant to say that in a note to you, because you’re the one who said that about her. My apologies for my senior moment!
As you know, I always so appreciate your responses! I could kick myself!
- January 8, 2017 at 2:06 pm #180822
Kate now you are talking sense being kind would be stupid. It is as clear as houses what she wants but thinks you can’t see through her ruthless plot.Send her to The Tower of London for a stretch on the rack.Actually my hubby could probably build one it would be well used.What annoys me the most is the fact that they don’t think we can see what they are at. It is insulting they think we are daft,but on saying that it is incredibily funny when they know we are not.
It wouldn’t surprise me in the least if the livery friend who has the horses might have a tale or two to tell if the opportunity arose….like how she is out of pocket looking after them.For all we know she might have spoken to the old lady saying she is finding it expensive. She is not I suspect making any money from her good gesture,it could go on years.What a conniving old crow she is.What dear Kate would happen if god forbid a horse caused an accident or was involved in one.Or worse an illness. Who would pay,you with all your new wealth,not her an old lady,she would disappear. BUT Kate you know that, we have come along way with the help of each Comfy here.
Jacqueline the g/f doesnt have to do anything to show you she doesn’t like you…..it is something we feel,and the look in their unfriendly eyes. So i agree it ain’t worth it. I would take a back seat now after suggesting you call round . Leave them to get on with it. She might be suffering from PND. It will all come out sooner rather than later.Enjoy the rest of your days Comfies.Lottie
- January 8, 2017 at 2:52 pm #180825
Kate, there have been so many postings from all of us, it is easy to get confused…no worries.
Lottie, I actually said out loud “Good for you!” when you wrote you have not called the hospital to find out how your father is. He may be old, but he is still mean. Telling you not to phone him so much! Now see how he likes it when you don’t!!!
I then said, “And good for YOU, Julie, too!!!” when I read you are going to the spa again and by yourself!!! What a pain in the heiny this woman is!
And Kate, are you planning to distance yourself from this Mother-person? It boggles the mind how others mistake our being nice for also being dumb!
Of course “My Baby Lou” was meant as a term of endearment. I meant no harm. But, my son (and the g/f – although SHE has never said a bad word to me – I guess my son has the honours..lol) seems to find something wrong with almost everything I say or do. It brings me back to another time and place when someone else was not allowing me to be me.
So, I will stay quiet and take that back seat on the bus, Lottie. I will play that waiting game and see how long it takes.
When I went out for coffee with the ex-husband and his wife (after our only visit with Lou in the hospital), I confided how our son has hurt and upset me over the years. The ex was shocked, as he lived for several years in the U.S.A., so when he came into town once/year, our son made sure to be available to see him. He believed we were still very very close, but I said that that was a long time ago. However, he said that now that he is back in town, he also finds it difficult to pinpoint our son for a get together. It felt so good to be able to talk about my son with his father!
I am hoping that should the EH be invited to see Lou, he will ask if I am too. Especially now that he knows the truth.
We also talked about toxic, abusive people, and I told him what I had lived through for five years, and all about the witch landlady (he knew her too).
The EH said that after being married to someone for 28 years, you do not just lose your feelings for them, and that he still feels very protective of me. I was glad to hear I have someone in my corner! It is not easy to always have to fight these family battles alone.
- January 8, 2017 at 4:44 pm #180827
Jacqueline, glad you got to talk to the EX about things. Why should any of us turn ourselves into pretzels for others to gain acceptance! People plasing does not work very well, i know!!! Lottie could be right she could have PPD who knows. Hang in there. I just dislike some of the the hurtful ways people treat each other.
- January 9, 2017 at 8:52 am #180856
Jacqueline, I must apologize again for yesterday’s brain fade. Frankly, I think I was almost in a daze from several days of being housebound because of bad weather. Because you are very dear to me and have always been a constant support, I apologize for not being more focused!
I was so glad to read about your discussion with your ex, regarding your son and regarding what you have endured from others. I think he will definitely be in your corner.
There can be a lot of jealousy and jockeying for power in this sort of situation. I always thought I would be close to my mother-in-law, because we had a lot in common. I knew the amount of closeness would be limited because my husband’s family lives very far away, but she really made virtually no effort at all with me, and at one point she apologized for this. I think she saw me as the person who had stolen her son. By the same token, your son’s girlfriend may be jealous of you, and now is using the baby as a way to establish her position as queen bee.
Regarding the Mother-person, I do think you’re onto something about her, and others like her, mistaking kindness for being dumb. And I know for a fact that she thinks being kind can mean weakness to people; she has told me that, a number of times. I think the main reason she knows this is that SHE may see kindness as weakness.
I am with Julie: I just dislike some of the hurtful ways people treat each other. It is far too common, isn’t it? As all of us here know far too well.
Lottie, is your father still in the hospital, or have they released him? He made it through the holidays without pulling this stunt, but only just through the holidays.
- January 9, 2017 at 12:57 pm #180875
Thank you for asking.As far as I know he is still in hospital I have not phoned the hospital nor him on his mobile.
He is a B of a man. Excuse me please.Had he been reported years ago then no he would not yet be released he would be in prison!So I haven’t phoned the hospital to get an uppdate. He told me to keep away and not ring that was before Christmas…so I didn’t.BUT I did phone on Saturday playing down his can’t breathe performance. He plans and plots he has nothing better to do.So now he is taking control again to get me running round. Well I am not.If he is in hospital he couldn’t be in safer hands….I am not rushing to see him.He never thanked us for anything over Christmas just takes us as a joke mocking us.It was the first time he has ever seen me with a drink.We opened champagne, several, and he had 3 glasses.
Kate he wouldn’t even call me if he were to be discharged.It suits him to give me the run around.
Have you heard anymore from that old lady about the horses,and how is your foal and hubby?? Thanks Kate take care. Lottie
- January 9, 2017 at 3:55 pm #180880
I don’t blame you for not calling, If there were a problem, the hospital would let you know.
I wonder what most people would do if they’d had parents like ours? I think some people would have divorced them. One of my neighbors stopped speaking to her parents, and that was it, she never saw them again. Another friend did the same with her father. I would not have felt comfortable doing that, and I don’t think you would have either. It’s an individual decision.
I haven’t talked to my friend’s mother again. Am still reeling from that conversation. Just unbelievable. I didn’t tell you this, but she’s had several people offer to take the horses, but she thinks no one will take care of them but her–except for me, I guess! She doesn’t want to have them, but no one else should have them either–except me…
You know, some years ago, while I was still in good shape, I used to train a horse for someone, and I gave her lessons on the horse. Then I could no longer ride, but continued to teach her. Then the poor horse developed tumors and some other problems. One day my student informed me that she’d told her husband that if the horse reached the point where he couldn’t be ridden, she would give him to me! I was boarding my own horses, so what was I supposed to do with this one? I wondered whether he could just stretch out beside me on the couch?! And, Lottie, these people had plenty of money and had their own farm! But she didn’t want to pay to keep a horse which couldn’t be ridden, although he’d been a really good horse to her!
(There is a happy ending: They decided to move far away, where they could purchase even more for their money, so ended up with a very large place and help and took the horse with them. He’s retired there now.)
Thanks for asking about my foal and hubby. Both are doing well. My husband is still recovering, so I hope he will be cautious. Last year he had pneumonia twice. How is your hubby doing? And aren’t you going into the hospital this month? Is it the 13th? Please forgive me if I have the date wrong; my memory isn’t so great these days!
- January 10, 2017 at 4:52 am #180883
Good Morning Fellow Comfies!
Don’t worry about brain fog, Kate, as I resemble that remark..lol…just because your friend’s mother has money, does not make her smart, she is still a moron, only with more money!
I am glad your husband is on the mend. And, I too, was wondering about you Lottie, your dental surgery and hubby’s. I remember you mentioning it would be this month.
I received a text message from my son yesterday, telling me Lou has a cold (already!!!) so that is why he has been quiet and not contacted me. But, as soon as she is better, he will invite me to come over. I responded that I was wondering what was wrong, and I let him know with my new schedule, every 2nd week, I will be off for 5 days at a time!!
I am not doing a happy dance just yet. Let’s see what happens. 😉
- January 10, 2017 at 7:04 am #180885
Although I’m sorry that Lou has a cold, I’m glad to learn that there was a valid reason for not inviting you over. I wish your son had told you that to begin with, but maybe they were freaked out about what was going on with her, and decided not to say anything until they were sure it was a cold.
It’s great that your new schedule allows for so much time off, so you will have plenty of time to visit.
Regarding the “Mother Friend,” she is on a fixed income, but she does have enough to keep these horses, since the stable owner gave her daughter a great deal. But she assumes I would give her a better deal! I couldn’t do so even if I wanted to. I couldn’t afford to. I have my own pets to care for. Just because I inherited a little land (in a much less expensive area), people have been coming out of the woodwork, trying to see what they can get. And this was true as my father was aging, too. It’s really been disgusting. And all of these people are doing fine on their own; but they would like to get more!
Did I tell you that one of the horsewomen I know has told me that she could keep her horses with me, and that her husband and she could live there too?! In fact, at one point she proposed that they live there during the week, and that my husband and I could stay there with them on the weekends! Also, she even said that I could build a smaller house on the property for us, and they could take the house that’s already there! Can you believe that?
And of course the M.D. wanted to retire there with us! And the Minor D. wanted her family to visit there!
Meanwhile, we haven’t even decided what we are going to, nor do we know yet what we will be able to do. It has all made me feel that I have to constantly be on my guard.
- January 10, 2017 at 7:32 am #180887
So true, Kate. When people smell money, they come running out of the woodwork, wanting to unburden us of it! Remember that story I told about getting out of a Jaguar, and a woman who did not even bother with me or like me (we worked together), came running over to me, threw her arms around me, air kissed me, and told me how wonderful it was to see me and that we “must” get together…Yuck.
It boogles the mind how they all tell us what we should be doing for them, with our own $$$$!
And, I agree with you that my son should have let me know why I was not hearing from him. But then again, that is what you or I would have done. He is not us. Life would be so much simpler…if only….;)
- January 10, 2017 at 11:00 am #180889
- January 10, 2017 at 11:22 am #180890
My new motto is that once a person sees what you have, they will try and take it from you. It has happened to me many times. We have to constantly be on guard. My husband does not protect me from predatory realtors who want to sell my homes, car dealers, other salespeople. He loves to buy new TV s , cars, etc when our old ones are perfecally fine!!! He is fine with telling me to liquidate my real estate. This is where i dislike my husbands ignorance. He urged me to sell some homes because of the work needed to keep them. They are worth double now then when i sold them.
- January 10, 2017 at 12:43 pm #180891
Yes, I think you are right about people trying to get whatever you have. As i know I’ve mentioned before, people started coming out of the woodwork as my father started to age. One person tried to buy the family home, first asking my father’s caretaker about it. She told him that my father was leaving that house to me, that he wasn’t selling it. The next thing she knew, he’d gone behind her back and tried to work on my father, who told him the same thing. This guy had been a good friend of mine when we were young! But that didn’t keep him from trying to cheat me out of my childhood home!
It is too bad that your husband’s judgment is off regarding real estate. You are a savvy businesswoman, and you should always listen to yourself. I wouldn’t hesitate to come to you for advice about real estate.
- January 10, 2017 at 1:28 pm #180894
Hi there Kate Jacqueline and Bubbly,
Be on your guard Kate with that old woman. Yes when people think there is more of what you have it is surprising how they latch on trying to leech from us.The good thing Kate you are a dot on.
Isn’t funny how them with NOWT tell us what to do? With them in mind!!
Jacqueline please do not judge your son too harshly,I feel (maybe wrong) that his conscience may be pricking and the GF is in charge as we have already said.She sounds a stronger person and I bet they have battles together.Pardon me if I am out of order saying.If a different GF, then more respect.He knows it is wrong and might be finding it difficult to stand up to her.
Bubbly I agree with you on all you have said.
My sister rang earlier to ask if I know our father was in hospital,I said NO which is a fib.She rang him on his mobile in hospital. He still persists on having a “dicky heart” ..his words. Told her he has to have pacemaker fitted.
I rang the hospital to ask after him.They said no mention of pacemaker being fitted just assessing him. They asked him if he wanted me to visit, he said yes.Might call by tomorrow. He is tiresome.
My appointment for hospital is this Friday,my father knows ,so wants all attention on directed to him.Nothing new, if my mother was still here she would be the same. Thank you for reading and take care. Lottie
- January 10, 2017 at 1:38 pm #180895
Good you checked out your father’s fib with the hospital. I also think you were wise not to reveal to your sister that you already knew about the hospitalization.
Unfortunately, I think you’re spot on about him trying to steal attention from you, since you’re having your procedure this Friday. Best of luck with that, and be sure to keep us posted on how you’re doing.
I do see what’s going on with these people, and the view is not a pleasant one. I think Julie’s right about having to be constantly on guard. But that’s okay. One of the reasons I have so much to post about is that I’ve tolerated far too much for far too long, so good if I now am even overly cautious!
- January 10, 2017 at 2:18 pm #180897
Kate honey you are not posting too much. Post away we all do it, that is why our exclusive thread is called Comfies.
Nothing I would like more is for more Comfies to join us. As for being overly cautious why not it is good.Post away.
Glad you agreed with me on telling that small fib to my sister. Why Kate does he feel the need to take the attention on someone who might be ill it doesn’t make sense.What a warped mind he has. Lottie
- January 10, 2017 at 3:45 pm #180900
Your father is a Narcissist, and they can’t stand to have any attention focus on anyone but themselves.
Years ago, I had a dressage trainer who was such a Narcissist! He hobbled around with a bad ankle which he said was from a jumping accident. Years later, I learned from someone who’d known him at the time of the accident that it had actually been a car accident he had when driving drunk. At any rate, he constantly talked about his pain, and some of the foolish women he taught were falling all over themselves to be ministering angels. Well, one day I was riding a horse for a woman in the stable, when the horse slipped and fell. We were both basically fine, but I wrenched my neck, so wore a neck collar when I came to the stable the next day. When the trainer saw me, he sarcastically said, “I guess you think that makes you special.” I said, no, but it was enabling me to ride without pain. Well, clearly he couldn’t stand it that someone else had an injury, because then he wouldn’t be able to claim every last ounce of “specialness” and attention. Just disgusting.
The M.D. is just the same.
- January 10, 2017 at 4:43 pm #180908
Thank you Kate,
You were lucky to have avoided what could have been a serious accident. People don’t realise how easy it is to fall off,and the pain. If I were to fall off these days for sure my fall would be heavy,so I take no chances.
What a good discription “specialness” which is him and D.So he was mocking you just like my father mocks me and my hubby.Yes he and D are just disgusting.We are never asked how we are it is all about him. With D she asks but before I can answer it really is an opening for her to speak.I really feel like telling him what a selfish so and so he is,but don’t.
He has never thanked us for Christmas Day nor for the food he took home for BD,just taken for granted.No sign of appreciation. He has no manners
whatsoever.If he can cause inconvenience for us he will. Like you said earlier we knew he would have a stint in hospital,sadly I thought we had got out of it. They must by now know him in hospital,and what a twerp he is.
To be honest I don’t feel like going to visit. It is at very awkward times and extremely busy with traffic and the carparks charge huge fees and then no parking spaces. The funny annoying thing is you take a ticket to enter then join a queue forever. When you have lost the will to live/wait any longer they charge you to get out.They must be laughing their heads off watching us by camera. How fair is that.You couldn’t make it up.If it was in a comedy sketch it would be hilarious. Lets laugh at the daftness of it all Kate,before I go mad.ha ha.Thank you Kate take care. Lottie
- January 10, 2017 at 5:16 pm #180909
“…when you have lost the will to live…” in the parking lot. Ha! I know just what you mean!
You know that your father doesn’t give a thought to how hard it would be to visit him. My father was the same way. He didn’t care what I had to go through.
My husband and I were never thanked by my father either. Whatever we did was seen as his due.
In the case of that riding accident I described, the horse actually fell down. Later, I learned that he used to fall down all the time with the person who exercised him before me, but the owner hadn’t told me that. I would never ride him again after I heard about his history.
Oh, talking about riding reminds me of another incident regarding my father. At the time of this story I was working full time at the stable. (The dressage instructor I mentioned before had moved on, because no one could stand him anymore.) Well, my father always insisted my husband and I travel to see him; he never once visited us. He would always use the excuse of his work, but it really was an excuse; and even after he retired, he didn’t visit. At any rate, once I just couldn’t face the trip to see him, so used his excuse about work, although it really wasn’t an excuse, it was the truth. I had taken on the training of a little vixen wamblood mare; her owner wasn’t able to do anything with her. I was afraid that if I left for a trip to my father, that someone else would be given the ride. So I told my father I couldn’t leave my training business. Well, he got really mad, and replied: “There trying to teach some kids to ride” How about that “trying to teach?” I was actually a good instructor! And, in point of fact, I wasn’t teaching any kids at the time. All of my pupils were adults, and I was also training their horses. (I had taught kids in the past, but not at that time.) But my point, of course is that he was mocking me and putting me down.
So, yes, I can really understand now wanting to make the effort of that trip to see your father…
- January 11, 2017 at 3:49 am #180916
Kate, I am stunned at what that “poor man” said to you because you hurt your neck! These people love to play victim, love all the attention. How sick!
Despite all the health issues YOU have, you never complain. You never think you deserve special treatment. You just do your best, and it is admirable!
Lottie, your father certainly is a piece of work. I am glad you told that little white lie to your sister. What a waste of time all this is, with people who pretend to be so ill. They flourish because the focus is totally on them. What will happen when the day comes that they really ARE sick?
I can certainly understand that you do not wish to go to the hospital and be part of this drama, your father playing the “lead” role. Not to mention you have your own appointment on Friday. I hope it all goes well.
Julie, it is a good thing you are so business savy and do not listen to your husband’s advice. You realize that he is ignorant, although that certainly does not make you feel better.It would be nice if you could count on him to take some of the weight of all these vultures that surround you in your business decisions.
As I mentioned before, Lottie, I certainly do NOT judge my son, although I do not understand or like his behaviour. I totally get it that he may not be able to do much about what is going on. I even, at one point gave myself as an example. When I confided to a select few in my circle about the terrible life of hell I had been living secretly for 5 years, the usual response was, “How could you…I never….” blah blah. But no one knows what someone else is living, or suffering through. These people are not in MY shoes, nor am I in theirs. My son and g/f have been together for 11 years. She seems to make him happy, so I accept it. I will not do or say anything to cause any trouble, as they will just stay away from me. I will not be the interfering or domineering grandmother. I want to be a part of my grand daughter’s life. I want to get to know her. And, I just want to love her. She is innocent in all this. And, when she is older, she will make her own decisions.
- January 11, 2017 at 6:26 am #180920
You always have the best attitude toward things. And of course you are correct: We really have to walk a mile in someone’s shoes before we can understand them.
I am sorry that some people responded to your telling them about the hellish period in your life by saying THEY would never have tolerated, etc., etc. They don’t know what they would have done, and if they were open and honest about their lives, I am sure they wouldn’t seem like such paragons, or perhaps they were people who were too afraid of really living anyway. I have known people who didn’t have much upsetting happen (emotionally, I mean) because they kept their hearts under such lock and key that their hearts could barely beat.
- January 11, 2017 at 6:52 am #180921
The same has happened to YOU, my Dear Kate. Everyone seems to know what is best for us! Yet, when something happens to THEM, they react the same way as us!
That is why I have learned to understand that we are all different. That alot of things we do and say are not reciprocated, as these people are not US. We all interpret situations differently, react differently. We do not have to understand, we just should respect them!
- January 11, 2017 at 2:43 pm #180931
- January 11, 2017 at 4:22 pm #180938
How are you today? Have you decided whether to visit your father? Have you heard anything from him?
I agree with your response to Jacqueline, especially since Jacqueline has her eye on the prize: A relationship with Lou! (Not that she doesn’t care about her son, but at this point alienating her son and his girlfriend could have bad repercussions for grandmother-granddaughter time together.) Originally, I was up in arms at J.’s son, but she pointed out that she was sure he had his reasons.
To address Jacqueline’s other point (when she was talking about how people responding to her telling them about life with her ex), it really bugs me when people are so ready to say, “How you could ever have tolerated that? I certainly never would have!,” in this better-adjusted-than-thou tone. And as J. rightly points out, those same people then react exactly the same as we have in a similar situation.
I guess I don’t like judgmental people–which is judgmental of me!!
- January 12, 2017 at 2:15 pm #180961
Thank you for asking.Had you not asked I don’t think I would have come back here.
The sad thing is Kate I gave in last night and went to visit expecting unpleasantness.When I got back I replied to Jacqueline and that was going to be the end.I really feel so silly crying. After all I have said,like we all do,I feel as if I have let myself down by going and feel totally embarrassed to admit it here. At least you cant see my face. Something made me cave in thinking that he will be there in a hospital bed with no visitors.
The sister said he had been so difficult and awkward. They put him in a private room bringing him to the open ward just before I arrived.Last night and today I have been very weepy thank goodness I was on my own at work.Kate he looked so happy to see me. He even asked how I was ,that is not him.Then he looked away and said SORRY for everything he has done.Never does our father say sorry,that is what is upsetting me.It is stiff upper lip at all times. He admitted he can’t manage on his own. Some extra help is being arranged for when he goes home.He will not leave is home to go into care.He thanked me for visiting.
Yes I quite agree with you Kate over Jacqueline.She will get the prize she deserves. Whats a few weeks in a life time…
LEAST SAID SOONEST MENDED
People are quick to judge with their…. what you should do and I wouldnt do that and it is usually them that never take risks.
D has just phoned to wish me the best fot tomorrow.
Take care Kate. Thank you again. Lottie
- January 12, 2017 at 3:53 pm #180963
I’m very glad that you did come back! It always brightens my day to see a post from you!
It is good that your father said he was sorry, and that he has agreed to have some care at home. In both the case of your mother and your father, you have gone the extra mile. You did have a reconciliation with your mother, which was life-affirming for both of you. You may not have so much with your father (given who he is), but you did hear him apologize.
It is the hardest thing in the world to decide how much to do for our elderly, difficult parents. I think whatever we decide to do at the moment is fine. We can’t predict ahead of time how we will feel.
I agree with what you say about those who aren’t willing to take risks being the first to judge others.
Even the D called to wish you well! I think the Ds do care for us, in their limited way.
I hope your procedure goes smoothly tomorrow. Please keep us posted.
- January 12, 2017 at 4:13 pm #180964
I do not understand what Lottie is talking about? Not coming back here? I did not see any posts about this, Lottie.
Lottie, you should not be upset that you went to see your father. You did what your heart told you. And, I am happy your father apologized to you. At least you feel validated.
Perhaps you feel emotional because you are crying for the wonderful daughter whose parent abused her. Having him admit it is something you never thought would happen. But, this should help you, don’t you think? It’s like a kind of closure. He owned up to it.
I wish you all the best tomorrow. I hope it all goes smoothly and you are back home before you know it.
My son called last night to say he has been quiet as Lou has been very sick. And him too. I told him I knew something wasn’t right that he did not call me or invite me over. Now I know none of this has anything to do with me. He said he did not want to worry me. He feels guilty that he may have gotten her sick, but I told him no way, she probably caught something at the hospital, as the flu and gastro are going around and hospitals are filled to capacity with people in the emergency.
Perhaps this will make him realize how precious and fragile life is. That none of us are here forever, we do not have an expiry date. So, show and tell your loved ones how much you love them. Appreciate them. Before it is too late.
- This reply was modified 1 week, 1 day ago by Jacqueline.
- This reply was modified 1 week, 1 day ago by Jacqueline.
- January 12, 2017 at 5:30 pm #180967
- January 12, 2017 at 11:15 pm #180969
- January 13, 2017 at 6:43 am #180971
So glad to hear that Lou is doing better!
Your son not telling you because he didn’t want to worry you, reminds me of the way my husband can be. I have told him and told him that it’s better just to be open, explaining that–often–you just cause the other person to worry anyway when you do this. (Although maybe to worry for the wrong reason.)
At any rate, the great news is that you will be able to see Lou soon.
I am starting to feel nervous about the MD’s imminent return.
- January 13, 2017 at 6:48 am #180972
Hopefully, your MD will be too drained herself to bother with you right away! You do not have to talk to her, Kate. Just do not pick up the phone!
Everyone has their own way of dealing with stuff. While I do not agree with the way my son handles alot of issues I could have been supportive of, I respect his decisions. Although they can cause so much unnecessary worry and pain.
C’est la vie, n’est-ce pas?
- January 13, 2017 at 10:25 am #180974
I think it’s an individual thing. If you know the person and know that they are acting out of good intuitions, you can respect their decisions.
Unfortunately, I don’t think the MD will be wiped out. In the past, I used to hope that she would be too tired to visit, etc. after a trip, but she never was!
I keep telling a friend here that maybe the MD has finally given up on me, but the friend says that is definitely not the case.
- January 13, 2017 at 10:28 pm #180976
- January 14, 2017 at 12:05 am #180978
Yes, hope to hear from Lottie soon. She might have had the procedure later in the day, though, and may not feel like posting yet. All the best, Lottie!
I have also been wondering how Julie is doing.
Well, I have to complain about the Minor. We were supposed to get together next Sat., but she just announced that she was going to do something else. She didn’t invite me, nor did she even say this meant we wouldn’t be getting together. (She was going to do this activity on her own; it’s not as if was expecting to be invited to do something which she’d planned to do with someone else.) Yet she expected me to listen to her go on and on about her concerns. As is, I won’t be able to get together with her tomorrow (as we had at first planned), becauseI I cut my foot very badly today (which she knew about). Since she knows this, it makes excluding me next week doubly hurtful.
After I got off the phone with her and was talking with another friend, I started telling the other person how bad I felt. Then I just decided to call the Minor and tell her that her behavior had hurt my feelings. She first said that she “didn’t deserve this.” And she tried to excuse not inviting me by saying, “I did bring it up.” That was just nonsensical! It would be as if I said, “I’m having a party,” and when you said you were hurt that I wasn’t inviting you, I then said,”I did bring up the party.”
I am just not treated well by her. I don’t know what else to do or say. You can’t force someone to treat you well. But if you think of something else I might say to her about this, please don’t hesitate to tell me.
- January 14, 2017 at 12:34 am #180979
Wow, Kate, what a gutsy thing you did, calling the Minor D back and telling her how she made you feel. I don’t think there is anything else you could do or say to her as she is the way she is. Nothing can change that.
How did you cut your foot?
- This reply was modified 1 week ago by Jacqueline.
- This reply was modified 1 week ago by Jacqueline.
- January 14, 2017 at 7:03 am #180983
Thank you for your reply. I needed it!
Before writing more about the Minor, just wanted to say I hope Lottie is doing well today, after her procedure. I also hope all is well with Julie. Have missed hearing from her this week. Wonder if she heard from the spa friend again, or if she finally peeled off. But wanted to say that if Julie decided to resume contact with her, she should still feel free to post about her. I think however we choose to deal with people is an individual decision. As you know, it takes me a while to decide whether I want to keep trying with people–which this post below illustrates!
Thanks for asking about the cut, Jacqueline! We have board floors, with old square nails. It turns out that one of the nails was sticking up, in a place where I couldn’t have seen it, but I managed to hit my heel against it with a lot of force and it just opened up my foot. And of course it’s on the side where my knee has been acting up for the past few months. And I have some other major problems with mobility, so I’m feeling like an old wreck!
Although I don’t mean to sound like “poor little me,” because I manage okay for many years now, but I also think that I wasn’t invited because it is hard for me to get around, and the Minor didn’t want me to be a drag on her parade. I really do think that’s what it was, because she said, “I thought about inviting you, but I didn’t think you’d want to do it.” Well, shouldn’t I be given the right to make that decision? I told her that this attitude really underlined my physical issues, and it does! And I assure you, she wasn’t thinking about protecting my feelings–if that had been the case she wouldn’t have rattled on about what she was going to do; and, in fact, she wouldn’t have cancelled our plans–she just didn’t want to give any thought to any small accommodations which would have to be made for me. I confess that I do feel somewhat marginalized already because of my limitations, and it is painful to be treated as if my feelings don’t even have to be considered, because it’s not worth asking me to do things since it would then be a drag to deal with me.
Also, I can’t get over the Minor saying, “I did bring it up.” As you know from your experience with the party, to know about something to which you haven’t been invited is not good, so if she wasn’t going to invite me, I would have preferred that she not bring it up.
I pointed out that I always ask her to do things, and I do. I include her. For example, we had her here for Christmas dinner, and she went with me to my father’s place in the fall.
I am writing a lot about this, but the bottom line is that I feel really hurt. And I can’t help but think that anyone who truly cared about me would not have done this. We arranged to talk this morning, and I don’t know what to say to her. She was defensive last night, and I’m not up to dealing with her anger again this morning. Yet not talking about it seems artificial. Well, as is always the way with Drains, I guess there is nothing to be done. You can’t change them. In fact, she may well be changing from a Minor to a Major.
- January 14, 2017 at 7:31 am #180984
Kate, Lottie will post when she can, and I will contact Julie on Facebook, to see if she is ok.
As for YOU, my dear Kate, I am concerned about that cut from the old nail. Are you up to date on your tetanus shot?
I want to remind you, Sweet Kate, that your value comes from YOU. It hurts when we are not included in certain events, especially when we have been so good to these bloodsuckers. Reminder: Just because WE are kind, we cannot expect others to be like us. Everyone is different. Their emotional intelligence is not the same either.
It doesn’t matter what the Minor D’s reasons are for her behaviour. She will always have an excuse for her mistreatment of you.
Okay, so you have health issues, you have mobility problems, AND???? You are still YOU, so amazing and generous and thoughtful, etc. etc. Kate, at the young age of 21, I was involved in a serious car accident, and am lucky to be alive. I had an open fracture of the left femur, and my bones had to be fused together at the knee, so there is a shortening of the leg, and I need to have an elevation on the left shoe. I cannot begin to tell you how physical appearance was so important to OTHERS and how I suffered because of people’s stupid remarks. I lost friends because of this, people imitated the way I walked (at the beginning, the limp was very noticeable, as I was still healing), and I could go on and on and on. As hurtful as this was, I always said, “But I am NOT my leg!”
Today, with all that I have learned about myself, if you cannot treat me right, then it is YOUR loss, you don’t deserve me in your life.
It is none of my business what others think of me. My value comes from ME. Taking care of others starts with ME. Got it, Kate? It is all about YOU.
Another suggestion; don’t answer the phone IF the Minor Idiot calls. Just because she said she would, does not mean she will. Take a Kate Day, Take a Kate Weekend. Take a hot bubble bath, stay in your pjs and watch movies, eating licorice….think of your baby horse…think of all of us here who love you. Now, go and have a great day! Don’t let anyone spoil it for you!
- January 14, 2017 at 8:09 am #180985
Please give Julie my regards when you contact her. And, yes, Lottie will post when she’s up to it. In the meantime, I just wanted to send her greetings.
Thanks for asking about the tetanus shot. I think that because the nail was clean and because the wound bled so much, I am okay.
And thank you for sharing about how you were treated because of your leg. I also broke my tibia, in a horseback riding accident. It is a difficult break, and yours sounds particularly bad. It is great that you knew you were not your leg! But people can be so cruel. It is just like the wounded chicken in the farmyard; the others attack it because it is wounded. If there is anything at all different about you, people want to put you down, in order to make themselves feel superior.
You are so right about the Minor always having some excuse for her behavior. Except once, even she came up blank. This was when she had invited another friend and me to a concert. I’ve written about this before, so will try to be brief. She got us both interested, even loaning us CDs of the musician. Then, with no warning, one day she said, “I got my ticket. There may be some cheap seats left for you and X.” I couldn’t believe it! She ended up crying over it and saying, she didn’t know why she had done that. But I knew why: She can be selfish, and sometimes she gets off on excluding me, as if she belongs to a private club which won’t accept me. It is really horrible.
You know, people still do things with friend and family members who are quite ill, quite incapacitated. In fact, they make an effort to include them, precisely because they don’t want them to feel marginalized and because they want to be with them. I know I am not defined by my mobility issues, but it hurts that the Minor has treated me this way.
I am sitting here trying to decide whether I will talk with her. I know that she will call. I will do other things this weekend, but this is painful. I don’t understand how she can behave the way she does and yet want to be my friend. Of course, I know this is the sort of confusion we all feel when someone who’s close to us, whether partner, family member of friend, treats us this way. I think I have more work to do before I can quite feel as you do: That if someone can’t treat me well, they don’t deserve me. Actually, it’s confusing, because I do feel this way! But I am confused about what to think of the Minor. Sometimes it seems that she is my close friend; in fact, a lot of the time it feels that way. Then she pulls something like this, and I question whether she does care for me. I just don’t know what to make of her. What does it seem like to you?
- January 14, 2017 at 11:04 am #180987
Could she be bi-polar, Kate? Perhaps SHE cannot deal with getting too close to anyone???
I am so sorry she has hurt you. How about taking a little break from her…pulling back, putting up a little wall, and see what she will do? Decide you need, let’s say, a break of 7 days from her, so you just do nothing. Taking a “time’out” can be healthy, gives you a chance to distance yourself, let your emotions settle, and then you can see how you feel later. How about you stop trying to figure her out? How about you just accept her for the way she is? She does not think like you, is not like you, and just doesn’t understand alot of stuff, no matter how hurtful she is. That is why I suggested some distance from her.
If you still feel you want to speak to her today, okay, fine. But you do not have to be “Nice Kate”, you can be “Cool and Distant Kate”? Try not to agonize so much about what you should do. If she does call, you will see how you feel at that time.
Just because we have certain limitations, does not make us any less lovable.
Julie has not read my email yet on Facebook. And, I did tell her YOU were the one who realized she has not posted in awhile, and we were worried. I will let you know what happens.
So, Kate, please enjoy today. Do what is good for Kate. Feel free to say whatever Kate wants to say. Just be who you are, that amazing woman! And never let anyone make you feel anything less. xox
- January 15, 2017 at 1:08 am #181001
Hi all, i had a little bout of winter depression. I really wish i could have some local friends that are as great as you all and are not narcs, strange, negative, mentally ill, selfish, etc. I did not know how to meet these friends, luckily that spa friend is still traveling in Thailand. Im done with that one!
Anyway I did three things today to meet some local friends. On Next Door ( neighborhood app) some women want to learn to crochet. I joined that group, we will meet every couple weeks. Then, i joined a MeetUp healthy eating plant based group that goes to eat out every month at a healthy place. I signed up for the dinner at a vegan rrestaurant i have been to. 20 people will be going. I asked my husband and he said he would go too. He complained and made jokes about the food and i told him I would go alone but he looked at the menu and found one thing he liked and said he would go. Then, someone had a question about peoples favorite Mexican Restaurant and they kept saying, ” I want to try this place, and that one” so I thought why not try them all as a group! I put it out there we should form a dinner group and go every couple weeks out to eat at one. 5 people responded including our next door neighbors. So, this might be fun!
We have a foot of snow that wont melt so we are stuck at home. Grrrr!
Kate, hang loose with this Minor drain. I am thinking if any relationship mainly leaves you confused, empty, hurt, lonely, misunderstood, left out, feeling bad, feeling worthless, feeling in competition with, feeling very strange, feeling you cannot trustt the friend, feeling manipulated, feeling drained….then it is worth looking closely at it. See if there is a healthy give and take, an understanding, something you have in common, a healthy balance, and the elements there that make up a good trusting friendship.
We should put all our drains on a desert island …it would make a great TV show!!!
- January 15, 2017 at 4:18 am #181003
- January 15, 2017 at 1:59 pm #181005
I hope that Lottie has been recovering well this weekend.
Jacqueline, thanks so much for contacting Julie on Facebook, and thank you for responding, Julie! I’m sorry you have been in a winter slump, Julie; I have been, too. But as Jacqueline said, you have really been proactive. I think you will meet good friends at some point. Sometimes, it just takes a while. (By the way, I would love to crochet. No rhyme intended! Have also been thinking about taking banjo lessons. I always loved to ride and continued to take lessons my whole life, because I wanted to continue to learn and improve. Haven’t found anything to replace that, but there are other things which I should pursue. I feel inspired by Julie!)
Thank you both for your advice and support regarding the Minor. We ended up getting together yesterday, and things went well. She made a point of inviting me to do something today, too, but I wasn’t free (and she didn’t go either). But it’s very true that she’s not going to change; there are always going to be problems with her. So it’s a question of deciding when the bad outweighs the good.
I find myself always trying to understand why people behave as they do. I’m not a stupid person (I don’t think…), but it’s as if I’m constantly surprised by bad behavior.
- January 16, 2017 at 5:35 am #181020
Trying to figure out and understand others is a life long process!!!!! We are all different and handle circumstances in our own unique way.
I am glad everything went well with the Minor D. But, you know how erratic her behaviour can be. So, if you want her in your life, then you have to accept her the way she is. She ain’t a-changing! And then “pay as you go”. In other words, decide at the time if you want to see her or not.
- January 16, 2017 at 6:50 am #181021
I hope you have the day off, or maybe this is one of those weeks when you aren’t working? At any rate, I hope you have some down time with Diablo and Star! I would love to see photos of Star!
Yes, the Minor is a prickly person. She is capable of warmth and sensitivity, and is an intelligent person, but then she can be quick to anger and other bad behavior. Many times during this friendship, I’ve had to decide whether the bad outweighs the good.
Your advice about putting one’s self first is something which I really need to think about. I think I’ve held myself back a lot in life by giving too much time and energy to other people. I think it’s good to give of yourself to others, but not to give yourself away. Also, I know I have held myself back because I didn’t want to make others around me feel bad! For example, when I was younger, I was close to the Major, who was threatened by anything I did. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I know I held myself back from doing various things because of this. (I didn’t do so consciously, but sometimes I would realize that was what I was doing. The template for this behavior was created by my parents, who pushed me, but then put me down if I ever achieved anything, because then they were threatened and felt they might lose control of me.) I really desperately need to put myself first, while I still have a little time to do a few things. I regret wasting time, but can’t allow myself to be mired in regret, because that’s another waste of time. At any rate, I want to thank you so much for your counsel.
- January 16, 2017 at 9:25 am #181025
We ALL have regrets! At least you are able to recognize WHY you have certain behaviours. And, it is still not too late to do something about it! I am no different than you!! I behaved exactly the same way, never wanting to hurt or offend or do what I really wanted to do, in order not to offend, upset or hurt anyone else, at my own expense! But, finally, in the last year, I happened upon an amazing young woman counselor who was helping me heal from a toxic, abusive relationship. And by my totally opening myself up, she recognized WHY another person could totally disrespect and manipulate me like this: because what I wanted did not matter! I just wanted to please my partner in any and every way possible. The more I gave in to him, the more I hated HIM and MYSELF. And the less I cared about me, thinking I deserved to be treated so horribly. I based my value on what others thought of me! The more abusive they were, the more I tolerated it, and just tried harder and harder to please them. Which, of course, does not work.
I learned that I have to love myself before anyone else. I learned that my value comes from what I think of me, not what others think. This was a long, hard, eye-opening journey for me. But once I made it through, my only regret was that I had not learned all this when I was younger. I sometimes feel that most of my life was wasted on others, instead of thinking about how I felt, or what I wanted. But, I am certainly making up for lost time now, Kate!
You are correct, I am off work today! And have been since last Wednesday. Go back tomorrow for half a day.
Thank-you for asking about my kitties. When I first decided to take Star home, I noticed that she was sneezing a bit, but after having checked her eyes, ears, nose, and there was no discharge, I figured it was just an allergy. Her behaviour was that of a perfectly normal kitten. Naturally, I took her two days later to my veterinarian, who happens to be a very close friend. He did not want to give her the next vaccination shots, to see if the sneezing actually was an allergy. But, he predicted it could be Feline Herpes, and that although Diablo is totally vaccinated, nothing is 100%, and he could catch it.
I brush my babies’ coats every morning, brush their teeth, and always check their eyes and ears on a daily basis. Last night, I happened to notice that Diablo was squinting. I picked him up and saw his eyes were tearing..I kept cleaning them, until one of them started to have a white discharge. I now think he caught the virus! I feel so bad, so guilty. Today, he is very quiet, and the eye is still leaking. I bought Star from a naive, ignorant person, who did not know very much. I looked at it that whatever happens, I kind of rescued her and can give her a better life. I do not regret adopting her, as she is the perfect sister for Diablo. They get along so well, and she is so affectionate and is always purring. I just feel terrible for my Diablo. Luckily, my vet is coming over tonight for supper. He was supposed to bring me some meds for Star. Now he will have Diablo to look at as well.
- January 16, 2017 at 10:41 am #181026
I am so sorry about Star and Diablo. It is great the your vet is coming over tonight, though, and that you are treating so quickly. Please let us know what the vet says.
I have to make a concentrated effort to stop wasting my time and energy. For example, I have a friend, a fellow horsewoman, who takes up so much of my time discussing her problems, but who makes short shrift (Is that the correct phrase?) of my problems. So often, after I tell her something, she very critically tells me not “to dwell” on it; but I notice that she doesn’t think SHE “dwells” on her problems. I have to start thinking about how precious my time is, and how I have every right to choose to devote it to my work rather than to other people. There’s also the “Mother person.”
Speaking of time, I hope you enjoy your day. I’m sure Diablo is much happier being at home with the delightful Star than he was on his own. And you have given Star a much better life than she would have had with almost anyone else, I would wager.
- January 16, 2017 at 12:10 pm #181027
Look at all these people who insist on kvetching and abusing your kindness. You have the right to cut them off, nicely, of course, and focus on Kate! If the relationship was reciprocated and respectful, where you each listened and talked to each other, well, that is different. But, only you can decide when the time comes that you have had enough of these selfish people.
My vet friend says what the kitties have is viral, so he is bringing capsules (pills) to put in their food. I have prepared a ham with veggies and decided to add some fresh pineapple slices, which is presently simmering in the crock pot!
Work tomorrow. And that is a horse of another colour! My boss told me last week that I cannot go home until his schedule is FULL! Thank goodness it is the other girl working the full day tomorrow. It is Wednesday that it will be my turn. Just because the appointment book is full, does not mean anything. It is a false sense of security because he gets so many cancellations and no shows. And, the patients can do it because he does not give them any consequences and does not listen to most of my suggestions. I have been in this business for over 30 years, managed many dental offices, so I think I am qualified. I have already made so many positive changes at the Front Desk. I told my boss that he is a great guy, an amazing dentist, but as a boss, he kind of sucks! (He had upset two of the girls and ME last week, for absolutely no valid reasons. When he is stressed, he is mean and abusive. We are sick of it.) So, I let him have it. The next day, my partner at the Front Desk told me he was totally different and appreciative of them. Ya, but he is who he is, and cannot change. This is a temporary fix.
So, is it no wonder that my job search is reactivated? I have an interview on Friday!
- January 16, 2017 at 12:47 pm #181028
The vet says it’s viral, but does he know which virus yet? Or had he said definitely that it’s Feline Herpes? At any rate, good that he’s bringing antibiotics. And sounds like he’s getting a really yummy dinner!
And it’s good that you spoke up to your boss, and that your partner at the Front Desk benefited from your assertiveness the next day! I’m glad to hear that you already have an interview line up for Friday!
Speaking of dentists, my dentist really goes through staff, and two friends who are also his patients (the Minor being one!) and I have speculated about this. He seems mild-mannered with patients, but he can get an edge in his voice with his staff. I wish he could keep people, because I think staff makes such a difference. Last year, he hired a wonderful woman. She is great at the work, and so efficient and friendly. I really enjoy talking with her. But when the Minor went in last week, this woman wasn’t there. I hope he just had a substitute that day, but given this dentist’s track record, I wonder. Like your boss, he is a good dentist, but… I actually looked forward to seeing her each time, and had invited her to come see the foal.
In his office, there is a twenty-four hour cancellation policy, or you pay. Most of my doctors have this, too. Sounds as if your dentist doesn’t have this policy?
Regarding scheduling, his office is not good. I suspect this is because he doesn’t allow his so-called scheduler to actually move anyone around, and sometimes it’s hard for her to talk to him, so making appointments, including emergency appointments can be dicy. Also, once you have schedule an appointment, the office usually calls and asks you to change it, often on the day of the appointment. The last time the Minor was asked to do this, she refused. I understand that it’s natural to be asked to switch your times occasionally, and I’m fine with doing that, but all three of us are asked all the time, so you know everyone is. It’s just too chaotic, and a bad combination of the scheduler having difficulty getting you in, coupled with being asked to change your time once you DO get an appointment! We suspect this guy is a control freak, and that’s why he loses staff. Does it sound like that to you? Based upon how he, in effect, won’t allow his scheduler to schedule?
Also, I have had problems getting him to listen to what I tell him about my teeth. Once he had it in his head that a molar needed root canal, even though he’d sent me to an endodontist (sp) who said it did NOT need it, and reported this to the dentist. So, one day, when I needed to leave town to see my father, I cracked a filling in the tooth beside that molar. I couldn’t talk to the dentist himself, but I emailed him about needing to get in to see him, and one of his staff replied and said I had to see the endodontist. I said, no, the crack was NOT in that molar, it was in the tooth beside it! I explained I needed to get in and have the work done, because I was leaving to visit my father. No, I had to see the endodontist! So then I called the office, and begged the receptionist to tell him that it was NOT the molar he thought it was. She went to talk to him, and he still said I had to see the endodontist. I asked her to speak to him again, and this time she came back and said he’d called the endodontist, who would see me during his lunch hour; if the endontist said I didn’t need a root canal, then the dentist would see me. So I had to go all the way to the endontist (not an easy trip, either, and I’m on a cane). When I saw the endontist, he literally threw his hands up in the air, and said, “Why are you here?! This tooth needs a filling!” I explained that my dentist had insisted. Then I went to the dentist, who had to work me in. When I walked in, I said, “I keep trying to get root canal, but the doctor just refuses!” The dentist gave a tight little wry smile and said, “I thought it was that molar.” No kidding!
I hope you don’t mind reading this novella, Jacqueline, but since you’re in the industry, I thought you would be amused–although I’m sure you’ve heard much worse.
So, although I like this guy’s work, there are these downsides to dealing with him! Including that he won’t listen. The Minor says she wonders if he has Aspberger’s (sp?). I guess that’s possible, but I think he is an arrogant control freak, and it probably really bothered him that I did not need root canal (his judgment was wrong, which is no big deal; it happens, but I guess he can’t accept it), so he was determined that the tooth had given way, and that I did need it, that he was proven right. BUT it wasn’t even that tooth, as I said and said and said!
- January 16, 2017 at 3:12 pm #181030
Oy vey…Your dentist does not listen to his patients, Kate…at least my boss does. I would have changed dentists after what he did. I guess the staff calls to reschedule because there are holes and he moves up everyone. Then, maybe he has a big treatment and decides that cleanings and whatever else can be moved. He does not respect his patients’ time, and he has no respect. Sounds like he is all about the money.
Yes, my boss is a control freak, but his dental systems are not up to date and that is why it is so time consuming and chaotic. He has the old appointment book where we have to write in it and then type up a daily daysheet. So, of course there are spelling mistakes and wrong #s written. He does not want to upgrade. And, when a patient calls and asks when his appointment is, we have to search manually, which is a waste of time. So much time wasted. He is good to his patients, but has no problem embarrassing his staff in front of anyone. Then, he thinks an apology makes it okay, while he has already ruined our day.
No, the kitties are not getting antibiotics, Kate. Since this Feline Herpes is viral and highly contagious to other kitties, it goes away with the help of a medication called Lysine. Guess what? Diablo’s eyes have stopped tearing! And, he seems to be better this afternoon. He has been quiet today, and usually, when I have finished with one of my yogurts, he is always around to help clean the container! But today he did not do that. I hope that maybe it is just one of those days for him, and has nothing to to with Star, but I doubt it. I will find out tonight when the vet looks at him.
- January 17, 2017 at 6:09 am #181033
- January 17, 2017 at 11:05 am #181037
I wrote earlier, and thought the post had appeared, but I guess not.
At any rate, I too would like to know how Lottie is doing!
And, Jacqueline, when I woke up this morning, I wondered what the vet had said about your kitties. Please let me know.
On another note, can’t believe your boss doesn’t have you use the computer, but that you have to keep a book. And, it is awful that he embarrasses staff in front of patients.
You know, even though my dentist is very polite and listens when you are in the chair, I think you’re right about him not having respect for his patients; and I bet that explains why he can’t keep staff–he probably has no respect for them either.
- January 17, 2017 at 11:07 am #181038
- January 17, 2017 at 2:14 pm #181040
Hello Jacqueline and Kate,
Thank you both for asking after me.
Sorry I have not been here,although I have looked and read.Just been slightly depressed and tearful,more of later.
Really sorry Jacqueline to hear about your kitties,is there an update after the vet visit last night? That meal sounds delicious I could almost smell those pineapples.Also you had a call from your son and will be invited to see baby Lou, it doesn’t get better than that. I hope she is feeling better. What cheerful news.And whats that word you used….kvetching never heard of it before.And a job interview wow no flies on you!!
Kate “short shrift” is the correct phrase to use. My interpretation is……she is not listening or interested in what you have to say, BECAUSE she is too busy thinking of what she will be saying next. It is very common,you are not supposed to have a life or problem. Next time you meet up tell her you charge by the hour for counselling!!
Please tell me about that old lady who wanted you to have the daughters horse. Is there an update,oh please god let there be one in Kates favour!!
Kate you are also having tooth trouble isn’t it a nuisance? I truely hope you get it all sorted.Any pain in the head seems more painful than anywhere else in the body. Well for me it is.Although I do know of a pain in the neck! No college education is required as to who I am referring to!!
Last Friday I went to hospital for my mouth/teeth.
Saw another specialist who says one/two teeth upper front next to front teeth need canal root treatment and they have caused a sinus bursa.The lump is clear to see. He tried to investigate further with tiny camera. He asked about my dentist who said there was nothing wrong.Wasn’t too pleased and is writing again telling him there is.Well before Christmas my face was swollen under the cheek bone and very painful. My hubby and I have an appoinment for check ups in about 4 weeks. The specialist said hopefully the letter will get there before our checkups,adding if not do not mention going to the hospital for a 2nd appointment.Hoping you have an opinion on this. Plus shingles has never been mentioned.
As for my father he is the rudest most ill mannered person alive. Have been today taking various bits and bobs. He has never by the way asked after me.You know that feeling when you come away from a “friend” and feel worse for the meeting.This applies to him.Asked if he was feeling better ….NO.
Or would he like an orange I would peel…NO ….. Would he like a drink….NO
People kept looking and he uses that funny like reply,cant spell it but it sounds like pppffff.My mother used to do it at me. pppppfffff. Oh and it is not complimentary.Sunday was the pits I came home and cried yet again. My hubby says not to visit.As I was about to leave he said disgustingly if I didnt get out he would be breaking wind.Who needs someone like that.He is so angry but always has been. I tied to tell him something about my work that happened yesterday….His reply……NOT INTERESTED.
So thats about all sorry its not cheerful.Should I try gassing myself in the electric oven or drowning in a egg cupful of water. There seems no hope. haha
Hoping you all have cheery news. Hello to Bubbly hoping you are well.
Take care Lottie
- January 17, 2017 at 2:20 pm #181041
Hi! Lysine is vitaman, a supplament that helps humans with cold sores( herpes) and other kinds of herpes too. Its great stuff!
I have some new plans to solve some problems I have been having. I was getting really tired of feeling helpless and unhappy so i realized i need to change things for ME!!!!!
We had not been talking enough about our future, the marriage, etc. So I asked us to talk every Monday evening about anything and everything to do with each of us and the direction of the marriage, etc. i marked a big T on the kitchen calendar so we remember and also, we need to write some notes to see progress and capture thoughts so we have a yellow notebook with pages and we write out any and all desires and concerns for the marriage. Mosetly i have been the note taker during the Monday meeting since I am lucky he will even talk this way. Goal is to have a more satisfying marriage and to know which direction we want our lives to go in in retirement. If we think of a question between Monday neetings, we can write it in the Yellow book fir the next talk.
Making Friends Issues:
I joined the crochet group of 40 women which will start in March when the community room at our library opens up! Yay!
I am trying to start a Mexican food club where neighbors can join and eat out at various Mexican Restaurants in the area. Will see how that goes.
Joined a vegan group that tries out vegan restaurants every month.
Eating healthy issues:
I moved my healthy foods to one Fridge/freezer in the garage, separating it from my husbands processed foods but still have plenty of vegetables here in the kitchen fridge too. . I cooked 3 tasty vegan dishes and froze 20 portions so i can grab one anytime. I keep cut up vegebles and homemade oil free hummus in fridge and eat these for snacks and my husband will eat these too. I am cooking a nice vegan oil free curry today! My husband loves the clean empty organized shelves there in the kitchen fridge/ freezer and the large garage freezer for “his” foods!!!!
The Best Curry
1 chopped red onion
3 chopped garlic cloves
Sauté these in bottom of a pot with 1/4 c water if needed and then add:
2 tsp Better than boullion Veg Boullion
3 tlbs tomato paste
1 can diced tomatoes
1 can coconut milk
2 tlbs curry powder
1 tsp chili flakes or a minced jalapeño pepper
2 cups cabbage
2 cups red lentils
4 cups water
Cook for 30 minutes on stove. Add frozen peas if desired the last 10 min. Then eat, serving over rice or whatever you want. Cilantro or avocado are nice as garnishes too.
Will report back how it comes out.
- January 17, 2017 at 2:49 pm #181042
I also want to thank you all!! Jacqueline has forged the way on the ” taking care of ourselves and making things happen in our lives” , thank you! I am lucky to be on FB with you too!
Kate is supportive and wise and really helps me! Kate you cared enough to check on me in an unobtrusive way…which i really needed. Since i was very unhappy that week.
Lottie, you are a joy to know!!! Such a warm heart and a willingness to care even though people can be rude difficult idiots! Keep in caring but try to use the concept if putting the same amount of positive energy into the relationship as they do. For example, your father. He puts zero positive energy into your relationship while you put 100percent positive energy, driving over there, talking to his higness, brining him stuff, offering to get him things, listening to his abuse, driving home, crying for an hour ( or a day) , recovering from his latest abuse, becoming depressed, working to get yourself out of that depression, then planning to see him again for more abuse.
Lottie it is an unequal relationship. If he continues to treat you badly you should tell him to stop it and/ or leave if you still feel you must visit him! You are precious. If your family is abusive, disown them. You would dump an abusive friend and so do the same with family ir find things to say to stop the abuse.
Some possible things to say:
Dad im here fir you but you are destroying my love for you when you say ______and_____ to me.
Dad, could you only say nice things to me today? Thank you.
Dad, quit talking to me that way or i will have to leave.
Dad, do you want me to be here or would you rather I Leave.
Dad, call me if you want me to come visit you otherwise it appears you do not want me to be here now.
Dad, im recording our talk here today since my husband wants to here the mean things you say to me.
Dad, im bring a friend_______today to be with me when im coming( or dont tell him, just bring someone)
Lottie it may be healthy to get this father relationship stuff out in the open and under controll maybe with the help if a good counselor. The reason is, you need to free YOURSELF of his hold iver you abd you allowing this abuse!!! Before he dies! You can do the healing after he dies too but why not attack these issues niw while this asshole us still alive!
- January 17, 2017 at 3:00 pm #181044
- January 17, 2017 at 4:04 pm #181045
Am anxious to hear what the vet said about Jacqueline’s kitties last night.
Lottie, I agree that you need a better dentist. When will you get treatment for your condition? I am hoping Jacqueline will weigh in about the sinus bursa, etc. Clearly your dentist was wrong.
Your father is a nightmare. I can really empathize with you. People would also advise me not to visit my parents. I just kept feeling that I had to. I don’t think I would have been at peace with myself if I hadn’t.
Thanks for asking about the “Mother-person,” as Jacqueline calls my deceased friend’s mother. She hasn’t said anything else about me taking her daughter’s horses, and leaving my husband to do so! But of course I then had the issue with the Minor. Meanwhile, not a peep from the Major. Wonder whether she’s finally peeled off?
I feel like taking my own dive into an eggcup of water! This time of year is so bad, and I am in a real slump! At least I’m feeling a bit better physically.
Julie, you are taking so many positive steps. I like the concept of the marriage meetings and keeping notebooks. And your plans for meeting new people all involve doing fun things, so even if you don’t meet a soulmate, you will be doing something fun. I should take a page from your book, and find new things to do, to help me out of the winter doldrums!
Thanks for posting the curry recipe. That was fun! And I enjoyed your lists of things for Lottie to say and do with her dad. I think they might help her feel more empowered, and less apt to be tossed around emotionally by his horrendous behavior. It is so awful to have to deal with an abusive parent while you have your own problems to deal with, as Lottie does with her dental problems.
- January 17, 2017 at 4:37 pm #181046
Look at this, I go to work for a few hours and look at all the activity my Comfies have been up to this morning!
First of all, Lottie, I am glad you posted. We are here to get you through those doldrums. Kvetch all you want! (“Kvetch” is a very well known yiddish word which means complain, but it sounds better when you “kvetch” instead of complain
There is nothing I can say, I am so stunned by your father’s behaviour, attitude and treatment of you. But although it hurts, you have to know that he is out of his mind. I too would suggest that you visit him less, although what Kate said about how she felt when HER Dad mistreated her, she still did what she felt was right. And the same goes for you, Lottie. No one is judging you. If you never went back, we would all understand. But, you have to follow your heart and your conscience, and do what is good for you. No one can say anything against you. You have been so kind and compassionate towards your father, and he certainly does not deserve it. He is just a mean, miserable old man.
I am really not familiar with sinus bursa at all. Actually, this is the first I am hearing about it. All I could find when I googled it is this: “A bursa is a small, fluid-filled sac that acts as a cushion between a bone and other moving parts, such as muscles, tendons, or skin. Bursitis occurs when a bursa becomes inflamed. People get bursitis by overusing a joint. It can also be caused by an injury. It usually occurs at the knee or elbow.”
Lottie, Kate took the words out of my mouth. I would definitely see another dentist! At least get another opinion. Or ask the specialist if he can refer you.
Julie, what an amazing and terrific idea about scheduling meetings with your hubby. I also love how you have decided to live and eat well. You go, girl! You are joining groups, and stepping outside your comfort zone. At first it can be difficult, but gets easier as you go along. No wonder you are feeling so much better! You are being good to yourself, putting yourself first and learning how awesome you feel when you do so!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thank-you for asking about my kitties, Kate. I laughed because my vet friend brought his stethoscope and listened to Star’s heart while I held her. She is so sweet, that she was purring while he did this. He said there is no heart murmur!!! Two weeks ago, he had heard it, but said she could have been stressed from the drive to the clinic. But, it is normal now. My Diablo definitely caught the herpes virus, as even though he is vaccinated against, my vet explained it is highly contagious to other cats, and the vaccine is not fool-proof. As the day went on, Diablo’s eyes stopped tearing, but he was very quiet and did not eat much. Plus, he had a fever. So, my vet friend said, “He was fine before Star. He never had any of these symptoms, but he does now. He has the herpes virus.” Yesterday, he did not want the Lysine chews, but today, he loved it! And, he seems almost back to normal. Star, on the other hand, hates it, and I have to break it up and put it down her throat.
On a happy note, my son called this morning!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (I have been texting and sending him emails on a daily basis, asking how my grand daughter is doing.) So, he updated me that the doctor wants her to stay indoors for the next couple of days and away from people. I could hear the poor baby wheezing. She is still congested, but doing much much better.
My boss was on best behaviour this morning. But, I really could care less. I was not at the Front Desk. I was went in to catch up on my phone calls to patients. He was also super nice to the other two girls in the office. But, I know this is only temporary. He knew I was not the same today. Too bad.
- January 18, 2017 at 7:27 am #181052
Thanks for the update about the kitties. Glad that Diablo is almost back to normal. How long do they have to stay on the Lysine chews? It is funny that Star was purring during her exam. My little dog licks the vet when she’s examined (or tires to).
And great news about Lou. She’s really had a trying entrance to the world, but it sounds as if she’s nearly kicked the virus, and then you can see her again!
Yes, it is too bad if your boss noticed a difference. What can he expect? You have spoken to him about his behavior a number of times; he can’t expect you to let things go. I wish you the best on Friday’s interview.
Regarding the bursa, I wonder whether Lottie’s doctor was saying that her condition had caused a sort of bursitis in that sinus bursa? But I shouldn’t speculate. Just a thought.
- January 18, 2017 at 11:27 am #181053
I posted a reply to Jacqueline just before this post, but now I am back again. You may recall the “Mother-person,” my deceased friend’s mother who wanted me to move to my father’s place, leaving my husband here, so that I could board her two horses. Well, I have just encountered other moochers. I pay my father’s caretaker to look after the property for me, and this morning I heard that there had been complaints about trash, an unlocked door, etc., etc. So she hasn’t been doing her job, and is yet another moocher. So I had to deal with that.
Well, now the Minor is saying that she could move there, and I could pay her to manage. The management fee I pay monthly is not that large, because there isn’t much to do. (Even so, the caretaker isn’t doing it!) But the Minor thinks she could live in the house for free, would retire from her job here and have that pension, plus her S.S. check, PLUS the management fees! Hey, a pretty good deal for HER! I do not want her living in my family’s home, using my family’s furniture, etc, while I pay property taxes, etc.
I can not tell you how sick I am of all of these people trying to profit in some way from my modest inheritance! As I’ve told you, the Major wanted to retire there with me; then the Mother-person wanted me to board her horses; then another friend (I don’t think I’ve told you this, although it’s possible) wanted to retire there with her husband, live on the property and board her horses; now the Minor wants to live there and be paid! To tell you the truth, it’s her expecting to be paid which really gets me! It’s not enough that she would get a place to live?! Given her pension and S.S., if she had no rent or mortgage, she could live very well!
Why do all of these people think I should subsidize them?! I didn’t think I could become more cynical, but it reminds me of that quotation I’ve told you before by Lily Tomlin: “No matter how cynical you get, it’s impossible to keep up.”
- January 18, 2017 at 12:24 pm #181054
I can relate!!! That woman who wanted to ” borrow” 50k in living expenses from me texed me yesterday ( i had her blocked from calls and voicemails) asking for a phone number of my wall work contractor that I forgot to list from the sheet of my contacts i had given her. She had made me feel guilty for giving me three of her contacts ( none i could use) and inviting me to the wine and cheese parties so that i could meetnpeople who could use me and gain $$$ from me! I cant believe I gave her all my contractor contacts but I did. Its ok, it can benefit them if she uses them. Anyway, i quickly texed her the number. She tried to make conversation after that with another text but so far I did not respond.
It is true, people have the balls to ask outrageous things!!!! I think we need some good responses like: Uhhh, I dont think so!!! Or: NO thanks!!
I know that saying NO to some people makes them question why you are daring to say no to them. And tgey try to talk you into what they want from you. Instead, just kerp saying NO and cut the conversation short.
With my spa friend, i had to contantly say no. Yet she would push me by asking why not ir forcing me to explain!!!
Her: Here, i have this face cream for you ( it was years old, brown, and a tiny bit un bottom of the jar)
Me: No thanks.
Her: why not? Are you worried about germs?
Me: i just dont take someine elses used stuff.
Her: well, i used clean hands!
Me: it is my rule, i never use opened cosmetics, only new. ( had to walk away since she had me cornered in the condo)
So Kate, from her, i learned to set RULES for my dealings with people. You can too! Then you can simply recite your rules to these boundary breaking idiots!!
Sorry, i dont take care of others horses,
Why? Because it us my rule.
No one is going to live in the property at this time, its my rule. No you dont need to know why, its the rule.
No!! Leave my husband??? Thats funny, your joking right???
Kate we can learn to respond to these leeches!!!! And shut them right down!!! That idiot caretaker should be fired and banned from the property.
- January 18, 2017 at 1:03 pm #181055
Thanks for your support, Julie! I believe you’re right, of course, that we can deal with the leeches. You are already doing a superb job of doing so.
i remember the offer of the used cream, but it was instructive to read the actual exchange you had with her. It reminds me of an incident I had with the M.D. We were walking on the sidewalk one day when it had rained so much that there was pooled water at all the curbs. The M.D. saw a penny, and picked it up to give to me. This may sound nice, but no one I know picks up pennies (picking up dirty stuff from the street that is worth so little), and I had had so many infections that year that I really didn’t want to touch something dirty. (The pooled water at the curbs is really filthy!) So I politely said no thank you. Well, she would NOT take no for an answer, and was really put out with me. I can’t take it when people won’t accept a simple no thank you. This is doubly bad when what you are refusing is something no one would want anyway. The idea of that used cream is just disgusting, and I am by no means a neat freak (just didn’t want that filthy penny!)
It is like you have to hit these people over the head with things. They will not take a hint, and also seem to think that we don’t have the right to simply say no. There must always be an explanation, and if you give the explanation, they don’t accept it. But it is important to remain firm, nonetheless. I think saying “That’s my rule” is a great idea.
I am really disgusted with the “property manager.” She is good if there’s an emergency, but if it’s something which SHE doesn’t deem an emergency and something which I can’t check up on, she just lets it go. I’m hoping this incident will be a wake up call for her. I even asked the town councilwoman if she knew of someone who could do the work, and she said she couldn’t think of someone off the top of her head, but would think about it. I have thought of some other people I could ask for recommendations, so if my father’s caretaker doesn’t “take care” today, I will start to look for someone else.
- January 18, 2017 at 1:14 pm #181056
- January 18, 2017 at 1:35 pm #181057
- January 18, 2017 at 1:48 pm #181058
We are big fans of curry here. I should try that recipe. Glad it worked well for you, and it’s great to have those extra portions that you can heat when you want.
The lawyer wanted to settle the estate after six months, but the commissioner of affairs wouldn’t agree, so it will be settled in June. At that point, I’ll have lots of interaction with him. Did talk to him about getting my father’s taxes done for last year, and he is taking care of that, since he’s still executor of the estate.
I know that the caretaker is on the property, because she went into the main house to turn down the heat. (I get texts alerts from the security system.) Now I assume she’s at the rental, picking up trash, etc. I pay her a monthly salary, and most months all she has to do is drive by the property and see that all is well.
I really admire you for managing all of your properties. That is a lot of work! And having to deal with contractors, etc. I don’t know that I have the temperament for it. I also have to do a lot of managing with the care and training of my horses. I can do it, and have had to “move on” from people a number of times, but can’t say that I like it. Of course I guess you don’t like it; but it is a mean to achieve an ends. What makes this particular arrangement difficult is that the woman was my father’s caretaker, and I have a bond with her because of that. Probably never good to mix friendship with work, as I found out from my business partnership with the M.D.! The caretaker keeps telling me that I am her best friend. Of course I take THAT with a big grain of salt, but I foolishly believed that she would feel some sense of responsibility, since my father and I were always good to her. Also, she has told me that she can use the extra money, and I know that she can; she works a nothing job, is getting divorced, has a kid. I am so sick of feeling that every time I do anything for anyone they end up resenting me. I do think that’s what she feels: resentment.
- January 18, 2017 at 2:13 pm #181059
Kate, i have had tenants and workman be that way with me too. The kinder i am the worse they treat me and the more they resent me. Just lowered a tenants rent by $300 a month. Now he is complaing i should have not charged so much to begin with!!! The more i t
Raise rents, the more they respect me. The harder i am on workmen, the more theybrespect me and the more work they get done.
Have you thought of asking her to text you a date stamped picture every time she mows?
- January 18, 2017 at 2:14 pm #181060
- January 18, 2017 at 2:19 pm #181061
That is outrageous: You lower the rent, and the response is that you shouldn’t have charged so much to begin with! I have never heard of such a response, but I most certainly believe it!
As I read what you said about tenants and workmen respecting you more the harder you were on them, I had a sinking suspicion that “such is the way of the world.” I have been too nice to the caretaker, and my father was too nice to her and too nice to his tenants. The one person he wasn’t nice to was, guess who?!
I haven’t heard from the caretaker, even though I asked her to call to report. I wonder whether she will call at all. Probably not.
I would like to pay her by the job, but I agreed to give her a monthly fee for checking on the places (and then for doing anything that needed to be done, within reason). I do pay her and her ex to mow. When I visited in the fall, the grass had been cut, but I wonder whether it was cut just because they knew I would be there.
- January 18, 2017 at 5:19 pm #181062
Hi there Comfies,
Thank you all for your kind help and support.
You are all correct about my father.I suppose he is a D. He has always been the same. No matter how hard I try to please him and genuinely want to,he resents my existence. The honest truth is he and my late mother who passed last February have never known me and never wanted to.They both rubbished me for who I am and for what I do and did. It would have suited them better if I had been a dreadful daughter.They couldnt cope with me being caring. YET they always expected from me,always.No matter what I do or did was wrong.Neighbours and the like in my younger days believed what was said.But my parents couldn’t cope it must have been their guilt. Isn’t it sick that parents like them are not pleased for their children,almost jealous.
But hey ho folks every dog as they say ,has its day.
Yes Jacqueline the posting here is crazy we cant catch up!!Sorry about your kitties and purring Star it made me smile.Their purrs sound like little motors.Thats what we call them. Very pleased to her hear baby Lou is getting better.And thank you for taking the time to look up sinus bursa.The specialist says the teeth/tooth has caused the sinus problem,but I dont know. Yesterday I contacted another dentist and will get their opinion,hopefully before my dentist phones to call me in.Glad things are perking up for you,hope it is contagious!
Thank you Bubbly for your lists as amazing as ever. I will take heed and the “back seat”of Jacqueline’s is being taken over by me regarding my father and visiting.The curry sounds good,something my hubby likes so no doubt I will give it go.
I remember HER and that half used jar of cream,so she is still lurking around. Why would anyone offer a half jar of face cream. Where have her fingers been before she poked around the jar, yuk. You have come on in leaps and bounds sorting yourself and hubby out.
Kate sorry you have been down but only slightly! You are taking control of things so much better.Sounds like MD has fallen down a main drain and disappeared in the sewerage,probably hers.
These so called friends and workers have a dam cheek wanting your fathers property. The leeches all appear out of the woodwork when they think something is up for grabs.How can anyone in their right mind think you would allow them to move into your late fathers property rent free.It beggars belief,they think you live or came from planet Zonk.I would like to slap them it is so insulting to your intelligence.
It might be a modest inheritance for you but a major one for them,especially if you wanted to sell the property and couldn’t get them out.
I know the laws are different in your country but let me tell you something.
When this property we are in was up for sale the retired farmers staff were living here.Before he could sell he had to find them a house replacement paid for by him.They had been here years and nothing could get shut of them.He did eventually. I feel a funny tale coming ……
When we were renovating the house some people appeared one day walking around the grounds and made themselves comfortable beside the fishing pond with rods.I said to the builders “who are all those people in garden”? Leave it up to me he said I will investigate.He came back saying they were the ex workers a whole family of them.They had asked if they could come in the house saying they had lived here for many (free, not mentioned) years and wanted to look round,and reminisce.He said well it is no use coming in this part as you wont recognise it but it is ok to look at the rooms not yet done which you will remember.Not what they wanted.They asked if it was ok to sit in the garden for a picnic because they liked the place.We refused we had been warned by the farmer.They had everything + expences free for many years. When push came to shove they were a force to be reckoned with.It was a sad thank you for all the farmer had done for them.
Thanking you all Comfies,take care. Lottie
- January 18, 2017 at 5:41 pm #181063
Great that you’re getting another opinion. You’ve had this problem far too long. I really feel for you, as a fellow dental sufferer.
I think your parents were (and your father still is) jealous of you. You have the sort of temperament to which people naturally gravitate and you are very witty. And those are just two of your attributes.
It is sad, yes, when parents can’t really appreciate their own children. I wish I could have been closer with my parents, but that was impossible with my mother, and my father never forgave me for becoming my own person. For growing up, in other words.
That is some story about the workers! Yet another example of people taking advantage when someone was nice to them. I’m sure you saw Julie’s examples, too. I still think it is good to be generous with people, but I guess you have to be very careful with whom you’re generous.
Yes, it seems that the M.D. has fallen down the drain, her own sewerage, as you said. Ha! That reminds me, she always had horrible problems with the septic system at her house. It was always getting clogged. Seems appropriate somehow, doesn’t it?
- January 18, 2017 at 11:37 pm #181078
Kate, I think when people “smell” money, they become your long lost “best friends”! And want to “help” you spend it!! Maybe it is time to pull the plug and let them all go down the drain.
Thank-you for asking about my furry babies. I do not know how long they have to take the Lysine chewies, but I am in constant touch with my vet friend, so he will let me know.
Julie, I am glad your curry recipe turned out so well, but I have never been a big fan of curry!
Lottie, I spoke to my boss tonight about you and the diagnosis of sinus bursa. He said that it really means a joint or ligament in your jaw that is affected, and that it has nothing to do with a tooth!
It was a very long and hard 11 hour day today. I am off for the next two. I felt stressed from the minute I walked in the office, because of my boss’s attitude in the past week. I was very cold to him and at the end of the day, I let him have it and told him off! He deserved it!
- January 19, 2017 at 7:24 am #181084
Good morning Jacqueline and any other Comfies,
I’m sorry your day was difficult yesterday, Jacqueline. It’s good that you told your boss off, but I’m glad you have that interview tomorrow.
And it’s good that you are in constant contact with your friend, the vet. I would find that very reassuring.
Your boss’s analysis of the sinus bursa sounds helpful. I’m glad Lottie is seeing another dentist.
Yesterday, my “Mother-person” friend said she’s probably going to need a carotid stent procedure. She’s had a bad time of it recently, losing her daughter, then her husband and now this. I would bet that all the stress of the past few years hasn’t helped her arteries. She is worried about what will happen to her horses and her cats if something happens to her. I think she will survive the procedure fine, but I understand her concern about her pets.
But I did start thinking even more about aging (it’s not as if I wasn’t already thinking about it!), and about how precious time is. I simply don’t want to waste more time and energy on negative people.
- January 19, 2017 at 8:21 am #181085
Good Morning, Kate.
I hope your health is better this week and that you are taking some “Kate Time”.
I hope your Mother Friend has made arrangements for all her babies to be taken care of, “in case” something happens to her. Yes, life is very precious, and we do not know our expiry date. I have made sure all my affairs are in order, so that should anything go wrong, I will not be a burden to my son. Everything has been pre-planned.
Just finished polishing up my cv and cover letter. Printed it out and am ready for tomorrow! Getting a fresh manicure as those first impressions are so important when going for an interview, or a date for that matter..lol
- January 19, 2017 at 9:43 am #181086
Have fun at the manicure, Jacqueline! I seem to remember that you once had a flower applied, is n’t that correct? First impressions are important, and sprucing up makes us feel good, besides! I am sprucing up my wardrobe a bit, by ordering some new clothes through an end-of-season sale. Thought it would give me a pick-me-up.
You are such a considerate mom to have your affairs in order. I am still dealing with the incredible mess my father left, and he had more time to get things in order than almost anyone we’ll ever meet, since his mind was sharp until the very last could of years of his life. As you know, his negligence toward me has left me with very mixed feelings toward him. So I applaud you for considering your son!
- January 19, 2017 at 10:23 am #181089
Kate, could it be that your father could not face his own mortality and thought he would live forever? But, he did you a great disservice, leaving everything in such a mess. His way of making your life miserable, even after he’s gone?
I am glad you are buying yourself clothes,and whatever makes you happy. It does not have to be extravagant in order to make us feel special, pampered.
What a good memory you have! Yes, I had a different flower put on for a few months, then vertical lines, and now I have had sparkles just on one finger of each hand. Will think of something else this time!
I do not want to burden anyone with anything. So, I do my best to put myself in another’s place, and ask myself, “How would I feel if this were done to ME???”
- January 19, 2017 at 11:04 am #181090
Your nails sound so cheerful!
You attitude of putting yourself in another’s shoes reminds me of the Golden Rule: Do until others, as you would have done unto you.
I think you are right about my father not wanting to face his mortality, definitely you are correct. However, it’s not as if he thought about me anyway, so I think it was a combination of those two things.
- January 19, 2017 at 1:33 pm #181094
Jacqueline so pleased to hear kitties are doing ok.I love kitties. Be a sport Jacqueline whats with the vet hhhmmmmm “friend “oh yes how many times have we heard that one.Come on I promise not to tell the others,you know I am to be trusted !!!Supper,calling round,then I read manicure for interview or DATE. hhhmmmm. Never been mentioned before ha ha.
Also thank you for doing some investigations regarding my teeth.I am hoping for an appointment with another dentist it is worth a 2nd opinion.Funnily enough only today a friend said she was wondering if it is stress related as I went hospital visiting and then today it flared up again upper mouth.My father upsets me up so much.Enough of him. Good luck with the interview tomorrow.Just a thought I dont suppose it is a position at the vets??
Regarding money yes there is always someone on the make. MD told me she is thinking of selling her house and pay someone to lodge with.I am not even going there …thanks but no thanks.
Kate I can understand the lady worrying about the animals,I would be the same
but I have been dumped on in the past and it can be expensive.We have had so many cats and now none,they might out live us,and that is my greatest worry if we get another.We have no neighbours and people are mean and cruel these days.
Talking about death,my father has made arrangements and paid for his funeral,and thats all. There is so much “Stuff” in his house we will need a skip to get rid.He is so mean he wouldn’t allow my mother to have her clothes when she went into a care home.So my sister and I had to buy her new. Now she has gone the clothes still hang in her wardrobe at his home. The same with my late brothers clothes.He is in hospital and I can’t get in his house for his spectacles,because he locked the door from the inside and left through another which needs a code and special key. If he had brains he would be dangerous.Don’t even have a copy of his Will probably because I am excluded.”
Good luck tomorrow Jacqueline and glad you sound more perky.
- January 19, 2017 at 7:09 pm #181106
Kate, I know it hurts about your Dad. It’s not like you deserved what he did. I hope you realize that.
And Lottie, first of all, I am glad you are going for a second opinion. And, I laughed at your suggestion of me and the veterinarian!! We have been friends for over 35 years. I forgot to mention that he is MARRIED, and whevenever he comes over, it is with his WIFEY, who is also a good friend of mine..lol…And, HE set up this interview with me and this other veterinarian. He used to own his own clinic, which he sold about 10 years ago, and works part time elsewhere. He suggested to his boss that I would be perfect for them! I will keep you posted…So, as sexy as it sounds that I got my nails done, my hair last week, it is really only for MOI!!!!
- January 20, 2017 at 5:54 am #181121
After reading Lottie’s e-mail, I was starting to wonder whether there was something brewing between the vet and our Jaqueline!
Jacqueline, it would be great if you got that job working for the vet to whom your vet friend recommended you. I hope you form a favorable impression when you interview today. And best of luck on the interview!
Thank you for saying I didn’t deserve how my father treated me. Just yesterday, I found out about something else he did! I feel bad about the whole thing. Every time I start feeling warm toward him and start to miss having him in my life, I am reminded of how he treated me. It makes the warm feelings seem like a self-delusion. It is very sad.
Lottie, I really empathize with you in dealing with your father. To have been abused by someone when you were young, and then to be their rock when you’re mature is so horrendous. And, yes, the stress you’re under is, at the very least, exacerbating your dental condition. I don’t know enough to say whether the needed root canal situation is separate from the bursa situation, but it’s possible that both are true. I have a problem with my right jaw, and have also had lots of dental issues and the two are not directly related, although when I have dental issues, it can set off the jaw condition.
Lottie, I never saw my father’s will, either. And I had to pay for his funeral. He had no burial insurance, and he wanted a very expensive funeral.
It does sound as if your Drain was hinting at living with you! I guess we both could have co-habited with our Drains! Can you imagine how much posting we would have done to “Comfies”?
- January 20, 2017 at 6:21 am #181124
Hi there, Kate.
I think you have mixed feelings towards your father. In other words, you love/hate him, and justifiably so. I believe you should not deny these feelings, just accept them. Understand that emotions are out of our control. Perhaps if you do this, it will help you to heal and let it go. What do you think?? (By the way, I am certainly not down-playing or excusing his inexcusable and unacceptable treatment. He was damaged and had his own demons, and unfortunately, he exorcised it all on you. You were always a good daughter to him, no matter WHAT he did to you. That says alot, Kate.)
It makes me laugh to see how Lottie had me and the vet as a love match!!!! NOPE! And, then, after reading what you wrote, Kate, I can certainly understand how it seemed that way!
I will let you know how it goes!
- January 20, 2017 at 8:01 am #181128
Yes Jacqueline,known him 35 yrs and married,got a wifey, and FRIEND oh yes. There are no flies on Kate and me. HHmmmm. Too much dialogue and explanations makes me wonder further,have we sussed you out.Remember it is what is not said that causes suspicion. haha. Good luck today at your interview. Watch this space Kate I feel sure the job is in the bag!! Did we know the job interview was at a veterinary practice, surely I haven’t missed something.Maybe a practice nurse,or assistant. hhmmm.Hairdos, fancy nails, facials we have not been told about,short low cut nurses dresses hhhmmm and rubber gloves sounds just up my street….or my hubbys ha ha.
It is just the excitement we need Kate ,my mind is in overdrive already!!
I wonder what time the interview is? Will catch up later Kate and Jacqueline.
- January 20, 2017 at 8:24 am #181129
I have to say that my vet’s assistants are not the stuff of fantasies. Ha, ha. Come work for this vet, Jacqueline! Actually, I wish you were all here, although I don’t know that I would wish this city on you. Maybe I could join you all someplace else?!
Jacqueline, thank you for reminding me that my emotions are my emotions. That is very helpful! I do indeed feel both sad and angry about my father. Both of these things are indeed true, and one doesn’t need to cancel out the other. Maybe, in effect, I am trying to feel only one way in an effort to make it all less confusing.
Yes, please do let us know how the interview goes!
- January 20, 2017 at 3:54 pm #181140
Well, that low cut, short black dress worked! Just kidding…lol…
The owner of the clinic is a woman! As soon as we started talking, I liked her immediately. Her philosophies are just like mine! For example, after a patient has an extraction or other dental surgery, I would always phone the patients to see how they are, two days later. I feel that it shows caring, but my boss told me to stop doing it, that if the patient was not feeling well, THEY would call US! So many times it happened that a patient was in such pain, but they thought it was normal. So, I would have them come in, and they had an infection. The vet believes in following up on her clients. She believes in excellent customer service, and I could see we are on the same page.
After the interview, she said it was important I meet her staff because it is important that THEY like me too, so she introduced me to everyone who was there today, and gave me a tour of the clinic. She is very considerate of her staff and they are a true team. She then asked me to stick around and observe, so I did for an hour and a half.
She wants to try me for a month and see how it goes. Only thing is that mid February my colleague is going away on vacation for 10 days, so I will be doing ALL the hours. So, we decided I would try out in the beginning of March.
They all seemed to like me…..And now, as you know, there is always a “but” (not “BUTT”, Lottie…lol) but…the pay is $3.00 less per hour than I am currently earning. I could manage, and I look at it that “less is more”. I would also not have the stress or the responibility that has been thrown at me now.
I will keep my job in the meantime, until I see how it goes.
- January 20, 2017 at 5:18 pm #181142
I am so pleased for you, congratulations. You must take that job you are already part of the furniture.Just reading about you ringing dental patients checking up on them,that is the extra mile people like.Also you already know it will right for you. As far as $ are concerned the hours maybe better and will it be as far to travel.Plus less stress. If you gave notice to your boss tomorrow that allows 4 weeks. He will get fixed up in a month,allowing you to start work in your new job.It wouldnt be unreasonable.
You remind me of 2 yrs today we had to take our Strippy puss to the vets,it was goodbye time nothing else could be done. Hubby and me both cried as he fell asleep. The next day they rang us to see how we were.We have had so many kitties. Then later a lovely card from all the staff.2 years today 5pm we said our goodbyes.Once Strippy caught a moorhen chick from the pond and brought it in the house unharmed.He never was a hunter,just a very quiet peaceful puss even when he was tiny.Of course he played with the others….running up the curtains and dragging himself along upside down like they do.
Hi there Kate,
Believe me when I say I know how you feel.A guilty feeling comes over me thinking of him alone in the hospital bed. If only he wasnt so nasty towards me.My sister says to sit with another patient who would be glad of a chat.It seems the more we do the more we get rejected,your late father being the same.Very controlling and always was.A friend recently said how my father loved being in control of 3 women …my sister mother and me.
As for the Will he had me take him to my solicitors to get it sorted.When he was going back to pay and sign he didnt want me with him. I think he wanted me to think I was in the Will and then has excluded me when he settled the invoice. He would do something like that for the last laugh,he plays dirty,that being what he is a dirty old miserable man.
His Aunt was the same. She kept changing her Will having all and sundry running around after her.After her funeral at least 6 relatives arrived with copies of Wills.If she was vexed with anyone it got changed to someone else. He is the same.
So like you Kate I am sad and angry,it’s not a good feeling.Some days are worse than others. It would help if my sister was more open with me.But then she has been mentally damaged.
Take care all.Lottie
- January 20, 2017 at 9:42 pm #181147
I loved your Strippy story, Lottie, and I love his name!!!
I will not give my notice just yet. I do not have the other job for sure just yet. I will be trying out in March for a month, so I still have my old job until I decide otherwise.
At this time in my life, I just want the least amount of stress as possible. Last week, when I lashed out at my boss (it was well-deserved), I realized how fed-up and angry and stressed he has made me. I have worked there for 6 years, and he has never given me a raise! I asked him twice, and he refused.
Reading about your fathers, Kate and Lottie, is so heart-wrenching.
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