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Comfies Part 4

This topic contains 137 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by  justbella 2 months, 2 weeks ago.

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  • #180152

    Bubbles
    Participant

    Hi all, maybe time to go to part 4,,, !!!!!!!


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  • #180154

    justbella
    Participant

    Hi Julie,

    Good idea! I just replied to Jacqueline on 3, but now will be here on 4.

    Hope you’re continuing to have a great time at the health spa!


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  • #180198

    justbella
    Participant

    Hello,

    Jacqueline, hope your first day back at work wasn’t too trying, and that you are still continuing to feel better.

    Yesterday, the Minor Drain asked me if we were “doing Christmas” this weekend. It turned out that she still expected to exchange gifts, even though she had said she didn’t want to do that this year. (You may recall that I asked advice about whether I should go ahead and give her the small gifts I’d already bought, and I decided to do so.) This is so typical of her: She makes these big pronouncements, and then changes her mind, often without telling me.

    I am so worn out from the last few weeks of dealing with the Drains. As difficult as my father was, there was still a bond between us. With his passing, this is my first Christmas with no immediate family members, and I’m feeling sad. I am very grateful to have my husband, my best friend and some other good friends, but I do feel sad. In addition, there are the ongoing problems with my father’s estate, his properties and all of the usual stresses of work, health, my husband’s demanding boss, etc., plus really starting to age. I just don’t have the energy for the Drains, nor did I need to sustain the emotional pain which the Minor Drain’s actions caused this season, nor the upset of the Major Drain’s explosions.

    What Jacqueline has really helped me realize about the Drains is that they are not taking my feelings into account. It’s all about them.


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  • #180203

    lottie
    Participant

    Hello Comfies,

    EXACTLY Kate it is always about them.I am sorry you are feeling weepy (me also
    it is that time of year.My mind has been doing deep deep cleanses it makes me very emotional.Jacqueline I wish you well in your job. It isn’t that long ago you were twiddling your fingers now you are rushed off your feet.So glad Bubbly is having a great time it sounds wonderful,wish I was there.

    On Saturday I bought a wreath for mothers and brothers grave. My father said not to put a wreath on the grave because people go to the cemetary in the dead of night with carrier bags stealing them….so help me god!!

    Like you Kate I have been feeling my age this last few months,and I am not happy about it.I know I will rev up again but so much is going on here with my sister and father.He told me not to put my wreath on the grave adding it isn’t necessary for two.My sister said to go together then behind my back she has already been,yet I had already got my wreath.What annoys me so much is time wasting especially when it is my time being wasted.I could have taken my wreath on Saturday with MD whose lovely mother is buried near mine. MD and I met up Saturday and truely had a lovely day together. Kate I have decided to accept my MD for what she is,just thinking of her good points and will try to ignore her porkies that she tells.
    Well for now that is.LOL LOL LOL

    My sister said that her and dad had been sorting through some of my mothers finances. She gets away with her highfulutin behaviour but yesterday daggars were drawn ripping her off a strip. I explained in very clear English that as I was executor of my mothers will they are out of order.I told her if I am dismissed once more I will contact my solicitor. She looked close to tears.My father has kept everything for himself unless she is included.I also said that when he passes, I want to see all the accounts.

    When I was on holiday did I tell you she had been tracking me with the mobile she insisted I use? To me it is disgraceful and sneaky.She has always been my little sister but as we get older I see so clearly how she is competing against me.My hubby and I have worked hard and still do.It is the cockiness and the way she speaks AT me that I don’t like.Plus constantly talks over me and never lets me finish a sentence.Never ever does she side with me on anything.It must be to knock my confidence,like a put down. Yet for all what I say I am the one who has treated her generously all her life.Like a princess.

    She has even decided that it is sinus problems I am having in my mouth. So she thinks she knows better than Maxillio Facial Surgeon. By the way I go back to the hospital in January.My sister said to let her know my symptoms because she knows someone who knows someone who knows someone who knows someone who can tell me what is wrong.My reply was that is why I am seeing the surgeon again. Kate and Jacqueline if you read this please laugh your head off,my sister is very important in her own mind.

    Do you know my hubby has just brought some chocolate biscuits then when I was on my third he said he thought I had had enough and to put them away. He is at it now telling me what is good for me.I will drink my herb tea.Say no more.

    Take care all. Thank you for Comfies 4. I wonder how Darlene is up those mountains with the bears. Maybe she might come back.Looking forward to Bubbly filling us in on the holiday.Lottie


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  • #180216

    Jacqueline
    Participant

    Hi Girls!

    Kate, it is perfectly normal to feel what you are feeling. This time of year makes us miss those who are no longer with us to share it with. It has been a hard, long, emotionally draining year for you. You have had to fight battles you should not have had to. Do not allow your Minor Drain to dictate her rules for everything. It is YOUR LIFE…and you choose whatever rules YOU choose to live by. Stop being so concerned about HER. She has taken so much from you and given you never in return, except misery. Why not give yourself a gift this year, the gift of being Kate, and letting go of people who do not deserve you. You are a little treasure.

    And Lottie, having both your sister and father on the same team, against you, well, of course it takes its toll. And, yes, your sister is a legend in her own mind. Why not tell her you would love for her to consult with your specialist, since she knows so much? You always treated HER like a princess, and she has always treated YOU like a piece of …. So, just STOP, Lottie. No matter what you do or say, it will never be good enough or appreciated. That will never change.

    And, as for your hubby making that comment about you having had enough chocolate biscuits. I would have thanked him for bringing it to my attention, as I bit into a fourth cookie!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Kate and Lottie, stop living your life for others. Live it for YOU YOU YOU. Do not be concerned with those who could care less about you.

    Easier said than done? I am living proof of it! I would never ever suggest anything I would not have done myself. The freedom and sense of well-being, when you actually speak your truth, and have clarity with all these selfish people around you, will give you such a sense of power, of well-being.

    The Christmas Party of the Woman’s Shelter was last night and we had an amazing time! All the girls from my group were there. We have such a special bond and I was so happy to talk to them, and see how much our lives have changed for the better. They are all still in therapy, except for me. I explained that there is no set amount of time to heal from the terrible things that happened to us. It will happen when it happens.

    Yes, Lottie, I went from zero to hero with my crazy hours! But even though it can be stressful at times, I never let my boss get out of line. I have been truthful and straight with him. If you are not respectful towards me, and do not appreciate my devotion, then someone else will. I told him, I will walk out the door and never come back! He and I both know I mean it! Yet, he is not a bad person. We are very very close, and he confides in me alot. It is just that when he is stressed, he can be mean, so HE feels better when he makes a sarcastic remark, at my expense.. So, I have made it perfectly clear to him, that this is unacceptable behaviour. He tells me everyday that I am a champ. How happy he is with me…Don’t tell me, SHOW ME!!!!!!


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  • #180217

    justbella
    Participant

    Hello,

    Lottie, your sister is very competitive with you, even when it comes to putting a wreath on your mother’s grave. (And your father’s comment about people stealing wreaths was really too much! I can just hear him saying it.)

    Do you ever feel that your every move is being impeded by those around you? That others are interfering with what you want to do? Sometimes I feel like shouting, “Leave me alone!” It is just incredible that you can’t put a wreath on your mother’s grave without there being issues.

    And your sister is now a doctor, a specialist! How nice for her! Seriously, I hope all goes well with your hospital stay in January. To have physical issues is bad enough, without all and sundry suddenly acquiring medical degrees. I have no patience for that anymore, after too many years of virtual strangers telling me what I should be doing.

    I am glad that you have decided to enjoy your Drain for what she is. I have tried to do that with mine, but they are just too difficult. I think the friendship with the Minor Drain will continue, but it’s definitely a difficult relationship. I have to stand up for myself too often with her.

    Speaking of standing up for yourself, it’s so great that you’ve drawn your line with your boss, Jacqueline. I’m sure you’re correct about him taking out his stress with sarcasm, but you’re not responsible for his stress, so you shouldn’t have to suffer.

    It must have been heartwarming to see everyone at the Women’s Shelter. I’m sure you’re an inspiration to them, as you are to us!

    Thank you, Jacqueline, for reminding us to think about ourselves, not to let others dictate what we do. It is no wonder that I sometimes feel like shouting “Leave me alone!” Maybe I should shout that!


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  • #180221

    LaurenM
    Participant

    Hi JustBella,

    Remember…

    One fake friend can do more harm than ten enemies… Be smart choosing your friends.


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  • #180239

    justbella
    Participant

    Hi Lauren,

    I am Kate. When we had to create new log ins some months ago, I had problems and ended up with this new name; I suppose the same thing happened with Julie, who then became Bubbles. I will answer to either, of course, but thought I’d let you know.

    I don’t think the Minor Drain is a fake friend, just a difficult person. But your point is well made. If I met her now, or even five or more years ago, I would not have become friends. I met the Major Drain when we were eighteen, so knew her for many years, but didn’t get to know her well until after I moved to her area of the country, and was involved in a business partnership with her before I realized how troubled she is.

    In the past, I had a tendency to form intense friendships quickly. Since my father’s death last year, I have noticed how quickly several people in his town wanted to draw close, but now I have learned my lesson, and am being very cautious.

    Speaking of fake friendships, I don’t think I will ever completely recover from the Major Drain betraying me. And she did it just to amuse some club ladies; in one instance, telling them some private information while they were in a car on the way to play paddle tennis! ( I’m sure that they were not entertained–as she had hoped.) I had specifically told her that what I was telling her was confidential.

    Learning to protect myself has been a lifelong struggle.


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  • #180247

    LaurenM
    Participant

    Yes, Kate / Just Bella, I realized when the new name came out that you were one and the same. I updated my profile with more info, and also my profile “selfie” photo, but I see that you can’t change your on-line name on the Friendship Blog. But that is good as it helps to prevent trolls. And that is a really good thing! WordPress is a good system and I see that other sites where I log in also use WordPress. It seems to be widely used and very reliable.

    Actually, when I said “fake ” friends, I mean, broadly speaking, to encompass all sorts of bad, negative, hurtful, unreliable, etc, etc, friends. I meant Fake in the sense that they are, generally speaking, not good for us and certainly not healthy for us. In other words, a drag at best; and really dangerous downers at their worst.

    Sometimes, if we can’t lose them, then like people, for example, at the office, the club etc, it’s best to, as I say to…”MINIMIZE CONTACT”. It seems to work both physically and emotionally for me (and for my friends). Sometimes we laugh and say about some particularly obnoxious person at the office…oh, oh, time to “Minimize contact”. Life is too short.

    Like the way the heart pumps for itself first, so that there is the strength for the life-giving blood to be pumped throughout the system, we must look after ourselves first so that we survive at our best level.

    The struggle makes us strong.


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  • #180251

    justbella
    Participant

    Hi Lauren,

    Thanks for explaining what you mean by fake friend. I was being too literal.

    And I agree about minimizing contact. This is what I tried to do with my troubled friend, and she reacted with unremitting rage. I have also withdrawn some from the other, less difficult, friend. This friend has so many good characteristics, including some admirable ones, but she has some big issues, as I’ve described here.

    Great simile about the heart pumping for itself first!

    And I agree that it is our struggles which give us strength. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, but there is that provision!


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    • #180259

      LaurenM
      Participant

      I like the analogy of the caterpillar who spins the cocoon, goes through a metamorphosis, and then struggles to emerge from the cocoon and finally makes it out as an exquisitely beautiful, ethereal butterfly.

      The butterfly actually develops and strengthens its muscles as it emerges in a difficult struggle from the binding cocoon.

      That very struggle makes the butterfly strong with amazingly developed muscles which contribute to the miraculous powers of flight, movement and strength.

      We all possess powers of strength and will deep inside, which are there for us to tap and to draw from for our survival during the course of our lives.


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  • #180260

    LaurenM
    Participant

    I also should add that I am one of those optimists who somehow can’t help but see the glass as half full, rather than half empty. For some reason,unknown to me, maybe I was born that way with that kind of character, who knows, for I always look for the best way out; I always look for the sunny side of the street.


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  • #180262

    Bubbles
    Participant

    Lauren, this does not sound like you at all.


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    • #180273

      LaurenM
      Participant

      Yes, it is me. I have always been hopeful. I think my optimism has been a great gift, and a saving grace, in my life for me and for others. I have always had hope, even in the darkest times. I really do believe that experiences can strengthen us, if we listen to their lesson. Everyone is a teacher one way or the other, as some toxic people teach us how NOT to be; and good characters teach us by good example. 🙂


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      • #180276

        Jacqueline
        Participant

        I love and admire your philosophy of life, Lauren. Like you, and so many of us here, despite the tough times, the pain, etc. life has sometimes brought us, we still remained positive, kind and hopeful. But not everyone is like us. Some become bitter and angry. Some just give up, fall into a depression, etc.

        We are lucky that we are so resilient!


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        • #180279

          LaurenM
          Participant

          Thanks Jacqueline! Like you, I always try to treat people the way that I would like to be treated. To me, it is the ONLY way to be. I also try to be careful with my words, as they are like water, once poured out, very difficult to get back in. Yes, I am very resilient; you too! Survival technique! I like to be an independent thinker, as I see you do too. I thank you, admire you and I wish you always all the best, and only the best in your life (to you AND Diablo!)! ‘Bye, Lauren


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  • #180268

    lottie
    Participant

    Hello All,

    Bubbly how enjoyable was the trip with your new friend? Or have I missed something? You have been on my mind. Soon be Christmas folks. Take care. Lottie


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  • #180270

    justbella
    Participant

    Hello all,

    Yes, the holidays are drawing nigh!

    I actually had a very good Christmas visit with the Minor Drain, who was not draining at all. This is why I hang in there with her, despite her various issues; because there really is a deep bond between us. We had a lovely gift exchange, lunch at a great Middle Eastern restaurant and then watched a DVD of an Emmy Lou Harris concert. It was a warm and relaxing day, complete with good conversation.

    I agree with all that Lauren says about the struggle making you stronger. Her metaphor of the butterfly’s struggle in emerging from the cocoon did sound like Lauren to me. But when Julie said the sentences about the glass being half full not sounding like Lauren, I did start to wonder if those few sentences were from her.

    Speaking of Julie, how was the rest of your vacation, Julie? The beginning sounded great, so am hoping it all was.

    And hello to Jacqueline and Lottie. How are you feeling, Jacqueline? Did the antibiotics completely kick the virus? I imagine you’ve been resting this weekend, after the long hours. And, Lottie, how are things going with your sister and father?


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    • #180274

      LaurenM
      Participant

      Just Bella, That was my post. I do believe that I look at the glass being half full, rather than half empty. In my early life …childhood and adolescence I had so many horrible experiences, but my hope for the future carried me through. I learned HOW NOT to be. Now, just trying to pass on some experience to help others! ‘Bye, Lauren


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  • #180271

    Jacqueline
    Participant

    Hi Kate….So glad you had a good time with your Minor Drain. Only you know if all the drama that surrounds her is worth it. She is not all bad, although it sometimes feels that way, when she is on a rampage.

    You are right about me resting today, Dear Friend. We had freezing rain, so I decided to stay in, and do some things around the house, and spend time snuggling with my Diablo. Watched some programs I had recorded, and enjoyed them with my licorice!!!

    Hello to Lauren, Lottie, and Julie! Let us know how you are.


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  • #180272

    justbella
    Participant

    Hi Jacqueline,

    Good idea to stay in with Diablo and licorice! I was just at the candy store, to buy some Christmas chocolates for the women in my doctor’s office. I have know them for a couple of decades now, and they are unfailingly kind. I do think that many doctors underestimate the importance of having compassionate staff. I can see why your patients appreciate you so much! And I thought of you not only for that reason, but because they were selling some wonderful licorice, which I decided to go for! My only regret is that you aren’t hear to share it with me!


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  • #180275

    Jacqueline
    Participant

    Thanks, Kate. I live by this rule: I treat people the way I want to be treated…

    And, I would never share my licorice with you…lol…You would have to get your own!!!


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  • #180282

    Bubbles
    Participant

    Hi, im back home now, flew back today. I get edgy here on the blog when i see troll like signs….

    The friend completely loved the place, went to all classes, and wants to go back there. I igot a lot out of the resort but was sick for 16 days as of Wednesday…coughing day and night, lost my voice, etc. so had to go to a Dr down there. Luckily they have my medical plan. Great doctor gave me chest x ray, antibiotics, asthma meds, nose spray, and cough syrup. I feel better now! The friend….well..does not believe in doctors so asked me if i was actually going to take the medicine i was given????? Uh…yes!!! I dont want pneumonia! Anything that lasts more then 8 days is bad. I got silently judged by her because i did not go to the exercise part of the dauly classes. It became a competition to see who was more dedicated.

    Then, this friend offered me a half used old and icky jar of her face cream..euck! Also gave me over the course of the week a half used lipstick she did not like . I refused the face cream and she kept asking why i did not take it!!!

    It came to a head when i was napping and she burst in to the condo and announced she was buying a 5000 electrical machine that keeps you young, heals diseases, etc. it is book sized. i asked her how she knew it was effective and she said testamonials of people. She played u tube with the sales presentations for 3 hours!!! Things went downhill and i should not have said that device was fraudulant crap…but i did. She told me to quit saying that and i asked her to quit playing the u tube ads so i did not have to hear it. Grrr! Later i apologised for getting jnvolved and she says i was sick and damaged ( to excuse me for being so rude) i played along telling her a few words about my difficult childhood which put her in counselor mode and she felt she figured me all out and gave me a list if things i need to do including thinking positive, therapy ( she says has a psych bachelors degree…yes….with her??!!!) going to church, getting divorced or…..

    So, she wants to make some of the healthyy sprouts and foods there..at home, wants to do it with me. Demanded i buy a food dehydrater even though i said no to it. Acts like annidiot, lost her room keys 3 times, her book twice, left things in the room, and more. Yet shes friendly…but very irritating. Sadly she sort of reminds me of my crazy mother except more overbearing. Right now, i have no desire to do anything else with her. Sadly.


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  • #180284

    Jacqueline
    Participant

    Lauren, your posts are always so uplifting and spiritual. Diablo and I wish you a lifetime of excellent health and happiness!

    And Julie….oyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy…She may be “friendly”, but you don’t really know someone until you live with them or work with them. And, she’s a controlling nutjob! Here you are, sick like a dog (thank God you are feeling better now and were smart enough to see a doctor out there), and she is telling you NOT to take the meds you were prescribed! Then, she bursts into your room while you are sleeping, in order to force you to watch a 3 hour video presentation. With all her medical knowledge/degrees, did she not remember that sleep/rest is the best medecine for the body when one is as sick as you were? Oops, excuse me, she was too busy thinking about herself!

    Someone who competes with you for everything, does not listen to your opinion, tells you what you should be doing, or not, that you cannot speak freely to/voice your opinion, which makes her rant and rave, is all about power and control. Oh, and Julie, how could you not take her old cream and half-used lipstick???

    Julie, I hope you will not have anything more to do with this moron. She is definitely no good for you. Toxic Alert!


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  • #180285

    justbella
    Participant

    Hello,

    Lauren, my apologies for wondering whether you had written the short paragraph with the half full vs. half empty glass analogy. Julie is much better at noticing trolls than I, so that one paragraph made me wonder, not because I don’t think you are hopeful and resilient, but because you had just written such a powerful metaphorical post prior to that paragraph! So although the following short paragraph expressed a powerful sentiment, I thought it wasn’t up to your usual originality–when I read it again after Julie’s question, so, in a sense, my wondering whether it was really you was a “left handed” compliment.

    Jacqueline, hope you are feeling refreshed after your day with Diablo and licorice, and are ready for your return to the marathon! Sending good vibes your way.

    Julie, I hope you are feeling better! Of course you were right to go on antibiotics. My husband is bad about letting infections go, and did indeed have a horrible bout of walking pneumonia last year. And of course Jacqueline is right about the benefits of rest when you’re ill. I am appalled by the way your friend behaved. I was so sorry to read about this, because it seemed that things were going well at the start of the trip.

    Well, one good thing about this trip is that you saw who this woman really is. If you hadn’t gone on the trip, it might well have taken you much longer to see her true character, so the trip saved you time.

    I hate to say this, but in some ways she reminds me of the Major Drain. You may recall that she likes alternative treatments. (Not that I’m opposed at trying alternative medicine, and sometimes it does indeed work. But you have to use good common sense, and it should be your choice; no one has the right to tell you what course of treatment you SHOULD take. It’s your decision.) The MD also likes buying all sorts of healing devices, and has tried to get me to use some of them, which I never have.

    Yes, a control freak.


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  • #180298

    Bubbles
    Participant

    Yes, this person braggs she has never been to a doctor, even when she was deathly ill once ill!!!! She discovered her true calling at the center. It would be to compile her poems in a book and then travel around the world reading them!!! So i expected very deep wonderful poems since they had been inspired by God, etc. but she read two of her poems at the talent show. They were as simple as a 10 year old but not as good and to me they had no meaning. You can tell she appears to love God but that is it. ” His feet are like beautiful stalks, his eyes are like the sun, etc” some parts rhymed…sort of…and other parts did not. The keynis how great SHE thought they were.

    Also apparantly when she meets new people, the first thing she makes clear to them is just how wealthy she is! ( I remember the first thing she said to me at our first lunch was that she was rich!) I had two folks come up to me commenting ….about her. One girl said was jealous that D was so wealthy and could buy whatever she wanted. ( She buys diamonds, etc for herself all the time and makes sure people know about it) and another person said ” Maybe it is nice to have an extremely wealthy friend because you can learn from her” …i quietly said nothing…!!! ( Im worth way more than her but i dont broadcast it, especially there! )

    Perhaps my friend is less enamored with me now, so be it. She is travelling to Thailand with a group in Jan and I’m sure she will do her song and dance with them too. Then she is going to Aruba with her sister in March. Sadly, She bought $300.00 worth of skin care products from the little health store at the center , then used them, then before leaving she returned them all!!!!! She brags about buying $3000 diamond earrings for a party, wearing them, then returning them!!!! Sooo many things wrong with this picture!!!

    I look into her eyes and I see psychosis and coldness though on the outside she appears to try and ” act” caring. Her coldness is obvious to me. I feel the almost jealous cold, subtly judgemental chill toward me when around her 4 sure. Her words sound fake and i dont believe all her stories. For example she states she finished highschool in two years then went to college and finished in another two years and had her college degree by the time she was 18. I think she likes new groups because ” they” dont know her and believe all she says about herself. But things do not add up to me. Im not going to respond if she contacts me. If i have to I will make some excuse to distance her from myself. Being around her helped me hone up some of my lesser used skills of evaluation and other things though. And yes so good it happened in a safe place!!! Not Thailand!!!!


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  • #180311

    Bubbles
    Participant

    My question is: why do i open myself up to people like this? There are 3 friends now who are not sutible friends for me.

    1. The severly overweight friend who eats out constantly who really cannot bear to talk to me ( gets off the phone in 1 min or less) and acts like i am another boring obligation to her “to do” list.

    2. The new friend who asked to borrow $50,000.00 from me

    3. This strange friend who went to the Health Center with me.

    My husband says i must be doing something to attract these types. Hope i can figure out what it is.


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  • #180333

    Jacqueline
    Participant

    Julie,

    This woman is very insecure. Who, in their right mind, tells you how rich they are? One day, she will brag about it to the wrong person, and who knows, she could be attacked/robbed. Buying stuff, using it, and then returning it is a sick game for her.

    The only thing you are doing wrong is not trusting your instincts. Look how you sized these three “friends” up, that list you made. Most people (not all) want something from us, especially when they know you are financially comfortable. Most people (not all) are jealous and not happy for you.

    It is ok to be warm and friendly to people we meet along the way. But, give the relationship a chance. Don’t go away on a trip with them, and do not reveal too many personal things, until you are sure about them.


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  • #180334

    justbella
    Participant

    Hi Julie,

    I think everyone makes mistakes with friends. I’ve never known anyone who hasn’t. The important thing is that you do see the problems with these people, so you can withdraw from them before becoming emotionally attached.. And then you can tell yourself that next time you will take a little longer before getting involved, that if you see red flags next time, you will keep your distance until you know them better. Don’t beat yourself up; she seemed basically okay, and all you do was ho to a health spa with her. There, she quickly showed her true colors.

    As Jacqueline says there are a lot of difficult people out there (jealous, narcissistic, etc., etc.), and sometimes you can’t see the issues until you know them a bit better.

    I don’t hunk you attract bad people. But you may be like me, that you have been too ready to think the best of some people before getting to know them. This is how I ended up with my Drains. I know a number of people, and some have turned out to be very dear, long term friends, but these two have present problems After thinking about them for the last while and discussing them with all of you here, I am now going through a time of being extremely careful with new people. But, you know, it’s always a balancing act: If you meet someone new and the signs seems good, sometimes you will make a mistake; it’s inevitable.

    As long as we get involved with people, we open ourselves up to possible hurt. That’s just life and human nature. The important thing, I think, is that you immediately saw your friend for who she is, and knew you didn’t want this involvement. (And, as you said, this trip was somewhere safe.) In the past, you might have continued to try. Now you clearly know to “get out while the getting is good.”


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  • #180335

    justbella
    Participant

    The end sentence in that first paragraph should have been: “All you did was go to a health spa with her.” Sorry! Am up early and haven’t had my coffee yet!


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  • #180336

    Bubbles
    Participant

    Yes, thanks. At least she was not abusive! She could be a hoarder. Who knows. Everyone has problems. She jumped into the friendship quickly and i knew it was too fast but I followed along. Maybe i will end up going through a few more friends before i settle on some ” normal” ones, lol! Maybe the normal ones wont like me. Who knows.

    My goals now are to get caught up with tax stuff, rehab another house starting in Jan which a tenant is moving out of, and get this house organized. Then I am taking a trip back to the Health Center myaelf end of Feb. no one needs to go with me.

    Surprisingly, my husband had filled our fridge with vegetables for when i got back! And he is eating full vegetable meals along with me! No meat, etc. i told him i was going to stick to that way of eating untill I can hopefully end my pre -diabetes and lose about 15 lbs. so far so good. Lost 8 lbs on the trip. Eating plant based with no oils, salt, sugar is really amazing.


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  • #180337

    justbella
    Participant

    Dear Julie,

    Your attitude is great! And I am impressed with your husband! I really wish I could get my husband to change his eating habits, but there’s no hope for that.


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  • #180338

    Bubbles
    Participant

    Kate yes, change is hard. My plan was to hand my husband plant based plates of food and hope he would eat them. Also, to STOP buying and cooking non plant based foods for him. This is hard even quitting cooking foods he likes. So far he has asked me to make only the vegetables in the fridge, nothing else. Wow.


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  • #180339

    justbella
    Participant

    Well, it’s good that he’s going along with you. My husband refuses, point blank. I have tried many times.

    Am going nuts here dealing with the lawyer who’s executor of my father’s estate. This has been such a horrible experience, that I can’t begin to tell you.


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  • #180343

    Bubbles
    Participant

    Ask another lawyer what you can do. That is terrible!!!!!


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  • #180344

    justbella
    Participant

    I did consult with another estate attorney a few months ago, and all you can do is take the executor to probate court. I don’t think this lawyer is doing anything which is actionable, though. (Except for some remarks I heard he’d made, disparaging remarks, about my father’s worth. But the problem there would be getting the people who’d told me to testify.) It is more that he is just impossible to work with. He takes forever to do anything, and he’s horrible about communicating with me. I have had to e-mail him so many times over the past few weeks, and have had to call his office long distance two days in a row. I just talked to his secretary, and asked if he was going to be doing something today, and she said, “Well, I don’t think today…” She said, “I know he’d planned to do it today, but we aren’t always able to follow through on our plans.” That made me furious! It is his job to do this, and these delays are creating problems and tension for me. I also hated the condescending way she spoke to me, as if I, someone who’s at least a decade older than she, doesn’t have sense enough to know that “we” can’t always follow through on our plans! Hey, it’s not her money which is involved. She can afford to be very cavalier.


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  • #180345

    Bubbles
    Participant

    Kate, im starting to think yours is one of these situations where you have to resolve to ” do their work for them”. I have one of these situations now. My tenant has a mentally ill roomate who went off his meds and went nutz one night breaking a window and smashing 9 glass panes out of a nice french door. It has been 2 months and he has not paid me back for the repairs ($350) because he is disabled so does not know how to access his worker who manages his funds to get them to write me the check.

    I got all the info and faxed it to the agency but not a peep. Then I called 5 times leaving messages, not one response. Im going to now print it all out, the bill, the pictures of the damage, maybe the police report and drive down to that agency and wait for my check. Again, i have to waste time and energy to get this result, the money.

    No use being irritated Kate, it only raises YOUR blood pressure, not theirs. Instead, be assertive every day.

    1 Call every day once ir twice.
    2. When calling, ask WHEN.
    3. Google: How to get results from people. Read and learn and practice.
    4. Write down your frustrated feelings, then overcome them.
    5. Fax notes every ay.
    6. Email dated notes asking for set timeframes
    7. Forget getting the money to his caregiver. Just relax, you deserve all the $$$., no one else.
    8. Follow the ” How to get results” advice.
    9. Ask the atty if there is anything you can do to help.
    10. Cc other people such as attorneys abpnd the court system maybe.
    11. Everyday do something more to pursue this.
    12. Ask if they need you to come down there..

    Learning new techniques that help motivate others will help you so much!!!! You can do this. Remember life is a big ( sometimes frustrating ) game we get to practice. You will learn how to play the ” lawyer/ estate/ miserable selfish father game ” very soon!!! This will help you handle other, related things in the future.
    7.


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  • #180346

    justbella
    Participant

    Thanks so much, Julie, for your prompt and helpful response!

    I am sorry that you are having to go to the agency yourself, but at this point I don’t see what else you can do.

    I was heartened to read your list, because I had just done something else since speaking to the secretary. I wrote the lawyer directly, telling him I’d called to ask the secretary if he’d received the necessary information, and she’d said she couldn’t ask him because he was with a client, so I said I was writing directly to ask him. If I don’t hear back, I will call there tomorrow.

    I am seeing red about the secretary saying, “We can’t always do what we plan to do.” Well, all the lawyer has to do now (supposedly) is deposit the check! He is going to deposit it in a bank which is about a minute, literally, from his office! He can’t find time to do that? I find that impossible to believe.

    And, the caretaker HAS already received HER money. She received it yesterday!


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  • #180376

    justbella
    Participant

    Hello,

    Lottie posted that she is having trouble logging in to this thread, to Comfies 4, but not to other threads. I suggested she go to another thread first, and then go here. I’m afraid my posting might have made Irene think that all is well now, and I’m assuming Lottie is still having the problem. At any rate, if anyone has any ideas about what Lottie could do to log in here, plead go to the welcome thread and let her know.

    I finally got the lawyer to take action yesterday, after I contacted him yet again. Every step of this process has been like pulling teeth. And this afternoon, I have to call the bookkeeper to try to straighten something out, something which the lawyer’s office should have let me know about in mid-November!

    On top of all of that, the Major Drain called and left a message this morning. I actually felt frightened when my husband told me who it was who’d called. It took me half an hour before I could bring myself to listen to the message. I heard her say she’d just called to chat, and then I erased the remainder of the message. She had on her fake composed “lady” voice. She’s is such a witch that it creeps me out when she sounds composed, or tries to sound composed. I can’t bring myself to return the call.

    Hope all is well with everyone!


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  • #180380

    lottie
    Participant

    Thank you Kate,

    That was yesterday and now perfectly ok.It is the box we write in,it doesn’t open.Yet ok elsewhere.Have I turned into a bad smell?? LOL I am. Will have to do some catching up again.

    MD acts like lady muck,she sees you as beneath her.Please DO NOT return the call
    Kate, it will drive her madder than she already is.You don’t need her nonsense and most certainly not over the Christmas holiday period.She thinks she is holding court, with you as one of her minions. Send her a box of tissues for Christmas with a note saying she needs to wipe the toffee off the end of her nose!I know you wont and neither would I but if you are ever in the unfortunate position of meeting her again you could say it to her face,I would.

    Or if you do return the call ask her WHY she is using that funny accent and then laugh. Yes lets laugh at her she is a twit.

    Thank you Kate again for trying to help with logging on.Now I will do some reading and reply to Irene. Be strong Kate think of your Comfies sitting on your shoulders poking sticks in your side if you should crumble to her highness MD! Lottie


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  • #180386

    justbella
    Participant

    Hi Lottie,

    So glad you were able to get on the thread. And thanks for your advice regarding Ms. Muckety Muck.

    I actually talked to my therapist today. I made an appointment yesterday when I was so stressed out from dealing with the lawyer, etc. (And have to make another call to day in regard to the estate.) But also intended the discuss the Major Drain. The therapist advised me to call and tell her that the friendship is no longer working. I told her that I could not do that. I am not up to hearing another explosion right before the holidays. I also told her that I would prefer to do what the Drain’s other long term friend did, and just withdraw.


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  • #180388

    lottie
    Participant

    Hello Bubbly,

    The new friend sounded too good to be true.You enjoyed what you did and that is a positive,doing your own thing.You have the memories blot the rubbish out like you have done.Also I hope you are feeling better.

    Nothing worse than someone bragging about money and wealth.It is so meaningless and rude.Plus unless you have access to her accounts you have no idea what she regards as lots of money,so stupid.She buys expensive diamonds…how many carats…hmm.I would be very surprised if she got her money back on diamonds, luxury creams possible if used the allergic excuse. Sorry but I doubt her honesty.Didn’t she tell you not get any new clothes. Then gives you or offers used makeup and lipsticks.How tacky of her and rude again. Jacqueline is right they sum us up and want some of what we have. They usually are jealous OR just join the band wagon hoping for any freebies that they can pick up.

    Do you remember her I went away with last year. She bragged constantly about money and luxury clothes…she didn’t have any.I do believe they had money and her husbands clothes were immaculate no doubt there,hers NO.He also spent many nights away doing whatever and who could blame him.She was so silly all of the time.It was all tripe she invented as the weeks went by.She was sooooo immature regarding day to day living,to the point of being an embarrassment.One night when we were out she was bragging about her husbands boss having a helicopter pad in his garden. We all looked blank it had nothing remotely to do with the conversation.Then one of my sisters male friends said …but not in your garden…Then we continued the conversation. You could say rude of him but it was a rentless barrage of bragging so he nipped it in the bud,thankfully.

    All in all Bubbly these experiences are part of living. Just keep your cards close to your chest next time a possible new friend pops into your life.

    Best wishes as always.Lottie


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  • #180390

    lottie
    Participant

    Kate do what is best for you.Decide the best way for you to cope,and do it.It is crunch time now Kate.Drift away and ignore her phone calls. She doesn’t care for others only herself. What exactly does she do during the day apart from being a menace on the telephone to all and sundry.

    Has she any interests to talk of,probably not.Does she ask after your foal,probably not.It must be so boring being around her as well as draining.Does she ever bring laughter into your life,probably not.Are you ever invited to her home for dinner,doubtful.She sounds as boring as a lump of lard.

    It is coming up Christmas and she intends to, I bet, visit making use of your hospitality again.

    Do yourself a favour and give yourself a break Kate,maybe she might drift off a find another person to leech off.Hope this is of help Kate. Unplug the landline and switch of your mobile that is what i am doing on Friday night.
    Just need to ask after your foal,hoping all is well.It is a very stressful time of year. If I had a giant catapult I would use it on my father sending him orbit the Earth! Take care Kate. Wishing you and all Comfies peace of mind.Lottie


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  • #180391

    justbella
    Participant

    LOL about that catapult, Lottie! I’ll tell you, from the time I was a young woman, I would start dreading holiday visits home months in advance. I don’t know whether I’ve ever told you this, but my mother always made a point of asking what time I would arrive, then telling me that I should have lunch before arriving. Then when I did arrive, the house would be locked. I am not making this up! My parents had two houses, and she would always be at the other one. I swear, she made a point of asking when I would arrive, just so she could make sure that I arrived home to a locked house. (This would be after a very long trip, too.) So much for that warm and fuzzy “home for the holidays” feeling.

    The foal is doing well, thank you. Really sprouting up! We have started gradual weaning. He is now spending the night across the aisle from his mom. He goes back in at breakfast, and then they are turned out together.

    Thanks for telling me to do what works for me. I told a friend (who knows the MD) what my therapist said, and he said he would never be able to say that to the MD. Much better to drift away.

    You are right about her never doing anything for me. She doesn’t cook, and she doesn’t even have a fridge or a stove now. She has so much money, but just can’t be bothered calling someone to replace them. It is too much work for her.

    In fact, the therapist said, with no prompting from me, that the MD is incapable of attaching to someone, that “it is all about activity” with her. I was amazed that she knew that, but I guess she knows this type of person. I have long said that the MD feels nothing for me as a particular person, that if she met someone on the street who would allow her to visit, she would be just as happy with them.

    As you can see from my description of the locked house, it is understandable that I would have a high tolerance for cold behavior. Enough already!

    I hope you have very happy holidays, Lottie! Good idea to unplug the phone and turn off the mobile, so that you won’t have to deal with any possible shenanigans from your father!


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  • #180395

    Bubbles
    Participant

    Hi all!!! Lottie, you are back, yay! Yes, i learned some things from new friend, D. Like how NOT to be like her!!! She appears to have several friends and gratefully, they can have her. Im not calling her. The other woman who asked to borrow 50k texred me when i got back to town. She knew just when i was arriving home, probably took notes. I asked her if she ever got loans thru Prosper and Lending tree like i suggested ( the loosestlaces to get money loans ever) and she said NO. She stated that since hers was a ” cash business” she had no wvidence of income and they need that to lend to her!!!!! What this means is she reports none of it to the Gov on herr tax report!!!! Geeze, a frauder on top of everything! And she said she needs this $$ only to get by for 3 months and then she has a ” chance” at a great job, etc, etc!!! Wow. I dont want her as a friend or an enemy.

    Kate glad about your latest developments. And my friend D also sounds like your drain, being all about action and unable to care about or bond with others. She does bond with her bi polar ward, possibly in order to control him. Or, she wants people she can control. Thinking she could control me maybe gave her hope that i would accompany her on all her trips, plays, etc. too bad i cannot be controlled for long,,!!!


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  • #180396

    Bubbles
    Participant

    Hey lets all trade our drains around! Ill take Lotties Dad, Lottie can take my crazy friend, Jacqueline can deal with Kates Main Drain, etc. soon these drains would be done with us for good!!!


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  • #180397

    justbella
    Participant

    Hi Julie,

    Too bad the woman who wanted the money popped back up. No doubt she did take notes about when you’d return.

    Like you, I can’t be controlled for long, either, and it is driving the M.D. crazy. Oops, she was already crazy. Should say it’s driving her crazier.

    It was interesting that my therapist also said, with no prompting from me, that she thinks my M.D. has Borderline Personality Disorder, in addition to her other problems. When I was trying to figure out what was the matter with her, I read about Borderline Personality Disorder, and she seems to fit the characteristics.

    Yes, let your spa friend hang out with her other friends. I guess they like to be controlled, as well as enjoying used moisturizer. I wish my M.D. would form other friendships, but I think she’s too far gone. She does try, but it doesn’t seem to work any more.


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  • #180402

    justbella
    Participant

    Hi Julie and all Comfies,

    LOL about exchanging drains, Julie! I do think we would quickly go to the defense of each other, and the Drains would be vanquished!

    Don’t know if I’ve mentioned this, but when I have defended myself with the Drain lately, she has told me I’m being a “fire hose.” She claims I talk over her and interrupt her, but I don’t talk over her or interrupt her, I simply respond and speak the truth. She can’t stand it! The last time we spoke, she addressed me as “Fire Hose.” I defended myself about that, and wouldn’t back down. Then SHE talked/shouted nonstop for ten or fifteen minutes, as I’ve already described. (And perhaps needless to say, she is infamous for talking over people and interrupting. She was thrown out of a ladies book club for doing this!)

    Well, yesterday when I told my therapist about her calling me “Fire Hose,” the therapist immediately said, “You are trying to put out her rages.” I thought that was pretty good! (Of course, she doesn’t think I should try to put out the rages; she thinks it’s hopeless, which it is.)

    I am so upset that she called here yesterday. I keep hoping that she will just give up, or that she will meet new friends/victims.


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  • #180404

    Bubbles
    Participant

    Kate, you cant reason with crazy. Why continue to take that abuse? Hang up when she calls you names or start ranting! Just hang up. Do not be a victim any longer. You dont have to put up with abuse from anyone. Look at Jacqueline!!!


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  • #180405

    justbella
    Participant

    Yes, Julie you are right, of course. Just a little while ago, I was talking with another friend, when the M.D. called here again. Actually, it was just about a half an hour after my last post. I saw her number on the caller I.D., and did not interrupt the conversation with my friend to answer. Then, immediately, the M.D. called my cell.

    If I do talk to her in the future, and if she starts ranting, I am going to hang up.

    I just want to say that I have stood up to her many times. It’s not that I take this abuse like a doormat. But, as you say, you can’t reason with crazy. If you stand up to her, she just rages.


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  • #180406

    Bubbles
    Participant

    Every time you respond to her by answering the phone, she will continue to call. You train her to continue calling you when you do not block her. Right now, you have her trained to call you repeatedly and then rage at you. By not blocking her and never responding to her, you train her that if she calls enough,myou will actually talk to her.

    Just like acrat is trained by giving it intermittant food when it repeatedly presses a bar, you have trained her that if she calls enough,you will eventually get around to talking with her. Now, she has been trained by you, just like the lab rat, to call repeatedly until you answer.

    The only thing you can do now is block her and not respond to her in any way or at all. Are you uncomfortable thinking about how your life would be without this monster in your life? Would your life feel too empty without her?


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  • #180407

    justbella
    Participant

    Hi Julie,

    No, my life would not be empty without her. Between my husband, my work, my horses and small pets, my other friends, managing my father’s estate, etc., my life would not be empty. What I do have a problem with is that I still feel somewhat bad for her. I know that I shouldn’t. What I have to work on, I guess, is letting go of the belief that I can help her in any way. I know you succeeded in breaking free of your sister, so I should be able to do that with this friend. I have made good progress in distancing myself. I can’t believe that she used to visit so often, and that we went on business trips together in the past. I cringe when I think of that. I do believe that one day I will be free of her. I know that it is taking me some time.


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  • #180408

    Bubbles
    Participant

    Yes, Kate, thanks for reminding me it , it me years to end contact with my sister. I used to go places with her, etc. you will do it too. I just hate to see you suffer with her!!!


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  • #180409

    Bubbles
    Participant

    Try setting down boundaries. Tell her if she starts raving, you will have to hang up If she calls you a name, you will have to hang up, etc.


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  • #180410

    justbella
    Participant

    Yes, I know you want the best for me, I know how frustrating it must be to hear me go on and on about the Major Drain. I know she was devastated by losing her other long term friend last fall, and when I hear the hurt in her voice, I crumble. The anger makes me want to withdraw, but when I hear the vulnerability, I cave. I so badly need to absorb the lesson Jacqueline learned and tries to teach: Put yourself first.

    Yesterday, my therapist really urged me to drop her, saying that the stress would hurt me physically, in addition to upsetting me emotionally.

    I resolve to end things, and then I start feeling bad for her. Also, speaking of intermittent positive reinforcement, it is a two way street here, because sometimes she does behave like Mr. Hyde rather than Dr. Jekyll, and it is far too easy for me to be lulled back into the better times of our friendship, or at least to those days before I realized what was going on with her, before I realized that these easy times are just little islands in a whole sea of turmoil.


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  • #180412

    Bubbles
    Participant

    Kate, that sounds so like my sister. There were moments of seemingly rationality. Even almost kindness. It throws you off.


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  • #180415

    justbella
    Participant

    Hi Julie,

    Yes, it does throw you off.

    I have been missing my father as the holidays approach, even though he was a difficult person. I called the MD to tell her he’d died, and she was in a snit that day. She did say she was sorry and called me a few days later, but never sent so much as a sympathy card. Nor has she expressed any sympathy during the past half year. This is not normal for someone who has known you for such a long time. Not to mention that while I’ve been going through all of the sorrow and the anger toward my father for how he left things–such a difficult mixture of emotions–I have had to deal with the M.D.’s anger. So, far from offering any support, she has added to my stress.

    So I wish I did not still feel sympathy for HER problems. I think I forgive bad behavior too easily. But thanks for understanding how difficult I’m finding this. Not that I am comparing my friendship to your having a sister, but because I’ve known this person such a long time, there is practically a lifelong relationship. If she were a friend I’d known for only a year, or five years, or ten, or fifteen….!


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  • #180416

    Jacqueline
    Participant

    Hi Everyone…..

    Julie, you nailed it when you said the kindness throws you off! That’s what these Drains/Abusers do! They are experts in confusing you, so that you do not know what to think. When they temporarily revert to moments of kindness, that is what gives you hope, that that person is still in there. This is called the honeymoon phase. But, once you are lulled, or should I say tricked back into believing they are who you thought they were (which they are not), they revert back to their true selves.

    Kate, deep in your heart, you know the truth about what is going on. Only, you have to connect what your heart knows, to what your gut is telling you. Once you learn to trust your instincts, and allow them to connect with your heart, you will be able to start withdrawing. The reason you cannot let go of her right now, is because you are just not ready, and you are afraid to make such a final decision. So, why not take those Baby Steps? How about you tell yourself, “I will block the MD for one month (or two or three) – whatever you feel comfortable with, and I will go no contact for this time.” Once you have distanced yourself from the situation, you will be able to make a better decision for yourself. And because you have not officially decided to “end it forever”, you can change your mind! You always have options!

    Everytime you feel sorry for her, remember that she does not feel sorry for YOU. She is not YOU. She is self-destructive, and you are not qualified to help her. For the longest time, I felt responsible for my ex, until I realized the only one I am responsible for, is ME! “Taking care of others, starts with MOI!” She has all the resources at her fingertips. However, she refuses to acknowledge she has a problem, so she cannot fix it. She spends her time denying there is anything wrong with her! How can you help someone who is perfect, who knows everything? You can’t!!!!

    On a happy note, I am now off work for E L E V E N days!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am seeing my son and his girlfriend tonight (and it will probably be the last time until My Baby Lou comes into this world…should be within 2 weeks!) AND, I suggested we include my son’s father and his wife. I told my son there is no reason to make separate get-togethers anymore. I have no problem being with my ex-husband. We have been divorced for 11 years. We have both moved on in our lives. I believe a baby brings luck, and my Lou has already started her magic, even before she is here, uniting her family!!!!! And, it is all about this baby and loving her. Nothing else matters.

    • This reply was modified 3 months ago by  Jacqueline.

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    • This reply was modified 3 months ago by  Jacqueline.
  • #180418

    justbella
    Participant

    Dear Jacqueline,

    I find your offer to your son of meeting with your ex-husband and about Baby Lou working her magic and uniting everyone to be deeply moving, and in the spirit of what the holidays should be.

    Thank you, as always, for your wise and compassionate counsel about the Major Drain. I agree that Julie was so astute about how the Drains draw us back in with kindness.

    I realized I have not seen the M.D. since last July! That is a major step. And even though I had agreed to see her a couple of weeks ago, I did not allow her to visit after her explosion. Nor did I allow her to come in next week. She really wants to bully her way in here during the holidays. As I’ve said before she reminds me of Grendel, the monster, in the Beowulf story. Grendel huddles alone in the dark, looking in at Beowulf and his friends making merry in the mead hall. Grendel is alone and he is enraged: He wants to kill the merry company.

    At any rate, I have taken some significant steps in distancing myself during the past two years, and especially in this last year. But dealing with her at all is fraught with tension. My prediction is that she will, of course, continue to behave badly and will eventually alienate me completely.


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  • #180435

    lottie
    Participant

    Managed to log in.
    Wishing all Comfies and everybody who reads a Very Happy Christmas Holiday and New Year. We certainly need it. Take care all Lottie


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  • #180436

    Jacqueline
    Participant

    You made it just in time, Lottie! This was certainly one heck of a year! But we survived, and are wiser, stronger, and better for it.

    Enjoy whatever it is you will be doing, my Dear Comfies and Everyone.

    I have been taking rather long catnaps these last few days, and it feels so good! Saw my son and his girlfriend last night for supper (it will be the last time until my baby is born!), as well as my ex-husband and his wife. We had a great time, and my ex-husband surprised me with a USB key, filled with old pics of our son and daughter, when they were babies. I had lost my copies. Plus, he paid for our meals last night. I did not want this, but he and his wife insisted.

    I bought a crockpot this morning….Remember how popular they were in the 70’s?? I used part of my boss’s bonus to buy it and it has been cooking my supper all day!


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  • #180439

    Bubbles
    Participant

    Have a great Christmas everyone!!! Jacqueline, you would love having an electric pressure cooker!


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  • #180440

    Jacqueline
    Participant

    But wasn’t there a time those pressure cookers were dangerous, Julie? But I think those were not electric. They could explode. Do you remember that?


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  • #180441

    Bubbles
    Participant

    Yes, those older stovetop pressure cookers were not safe. But the electric ones now have a huge amount of safety features. They are so easy and fast to use.


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  • #180442

    Jacqueline
    Participant

    Okay, thanks…I will look into it.


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  • #180443

    justbella
    Participant

    Happy Holidays, Comfies!

    I want to thank each of you for the gift of your friendship! You have been bright, warm lights in what was a difficult year!

    Jacqueline, I just bought a new crock pot a few weeks ago, and made a tasty stew in it. There’s something so homey about having the food cooking throughout the day, especially in the cold weather.

    Glad you had a good evening with your family. And when you’ll next see them, your number will have increased!

    And Julie, Lottie and Lauren, all the best for you and your families, too!

    Enjoy, Comfies!


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  • #180444

    Jacqueline
    Participant

    Exactly, Kate! I love the idea of a meal slow cooking all day long, the delicious smells it brings! It does warm the coggles of our hearts….it is defninitely a feel good!

    We are so blessed to have each other. Knowing that each time one of us was in pain, the rest of us formed a circle of love around her.


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  • #180445

    lottie
    Participant

    Hello Christmas Comfies and all who are holidaying,enjoying the break.

    Yes what would we do without this great support system where we can at a flick of a finger cross the world to reach each other. GREAT BIG THANKS TO OUR IRENE,and best wishes for her also who has made this possible.

    Our day went very well and my father arrived. We hit on a great idea to have some champagne.My father has never seen me drink alcohol but today blow to his stupid rules of not drinking at the table NOR SPEAKING when eating at the table. I had got my knickers in such a twist mubbling this that and the other before he came. We sat down at the table just the 3 of us.My hubby opened a bottle offering him a drink.He was pleased and drank it straight back so we gave him another.We looked on astounded,and he joined in the conversation,actually having a laugh.It was a good day. About time he has relaxed his stupid rules.As they drove off he waved to us through the taxi window. A first.

    It is 4.15pm here so I pray you all have as pleasant a day as we have.Best wishes Lottie


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  • #180446

    Jacqueline
    Participant

    Talk about a Christmas Miracle, Lottie! But this was long overdue. So happy you actually enjoyed your father’s visit.


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  • #180456

    justbella
    Participant

    Hi,

    Lottie, I must have had problems with the site yesterday. I logged in, and typed a message, which I submitted, but it didn’t appear. At any rate, to repeat what I said yesterday, was so glad to hear that champagne did the trick with your father!

    Also yesterday, I joined Lottie in wish happy holidays to Irene, without whom we wouldn’t have this wonderful site!

    Hope all of you had a good day. We hosted the Minor Drain and another friend. The meal turned out well and then we watched some good films. A slightly funny note occurred later when the Minor called to tell me she’d already phoned her sister to recommend one of the films. Nothing has any reality for her unless she brings her sister into it. So obsessive!

    Today still has that holiday mood. Another friend is dropping by in an hour or so, and am looking forward to that visit.


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  • #180462

    lottie
    Participant

    Hello Jacqueline and Kate

    Yes it was a miracle ny father being pleasant.Nothing to add. I hope you Jacqueline had a good day including today.Aren’t we lucky to have each other here.All of us I mean.

    Like you Kate we hosted MD today,who likes us to believe she is adored by all. First time in two years that we have allowed her here.Big mistake. She arrived early afternoon and left 2 hours ago. All went well at first until she started to blow her own trumpet. That is what is so sickening to hear.To achieved as much as she wants us to believe she would have to be 200yrs old.I ended up looking at her like a mummified zombie,if that is possible.When she opens her sluice gates ( her mouth) the rubbish starts. It is so nauseating listening.It gets worse ….she then proceeded to tell me she has been invited to a friends who lives not far from us. BUT as she was describing this friends home to me,I realised it was our home she was talking about.The mind boggles. If this was true surely she would have bragged in the past about this friend.YET never ever has she paid a direct compliment about our home. She said she liked my sweater when she was leaving and added it makes me look like a box.Then boasted about the charity clothes she was wearing and how lucky she is not to have to pay much. Do you know Kate I feel totally deflated and hurt.It was as if she was angry.My hubby asked me why did I bother having her round. I agree.
    And she is hosting a New Years party at her home but we didn’t get an invite.
    She is far too mingy to give anything away,not even a compliment which costs nothing,or a little stroke which we all like,just a kind word but nothing.She seemed to be so angry when she left. My hubby thinks it is because I’d mentioned champagne and giving my father 3 glasses on Christmas Day.Tonight I wished I had not bothered having her here,so dismiss my words from two weeks ago where I said I think I will accept her and not let her hurt me.SHE HAS. Enjoy the rest of the holidays. Lottie
    Sorry to go on.


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  • #180464

    Bubbles
    Participant

    Lottie, that is crappy. That friend is irritating, selfish and Nutz!!!, i hope you dont need to see her again for a very long time. My ” friend” who went to the Health place with me is starting to text ne as if nothing happened. She reminds me of my selfish crazy narcassist mother. I am quickly distancing myself from her.


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  • #180465

    lottie
    Participant

    Hi Bubbly,
    Thank you replying.She made me feel just like c… My hubby asked why I even bothered.
    What a drat it didn’t work out at the Health place,it did sound too good to true.She was leeching away at you for freebies of any sort.She is the one who had the man who required assistance. It makes me wonder what else she helped herself to.
    Like you I need to distance myself from MD. I am so annoyed that I allowed her back to our home after 2yrs.I am so disappointed with myself. She cant cope with our home +++. For all her so called qualifactions she hasn’t learnt that common sense is not common. She does the most ridiculous things or fantasizes more like about what she does.She sees herself on some sort of pedestal acting holier than thou,but in her sad world she must know deep down how sick she looks.
    Try not to answer the texts and drift away.Take care and happy holidays to you. Lottie


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  • #180471

    Jacqueline
    Participant

    Dear Lottie:

    Please stop being so hard on yourself. You meant well, inviting the MD over. In the spirit of Christmas and all that….Accept that she cannot and will not change. Accept that you are a kind-hearted, loving, warm person who tried the best she could. Her opinion of you, what you are wearing, etc., means absolutely nothing. It is what YOU think of yourself that matters. And, you must know that you are one hell of a woman!!!!!

    So, you tried “one more time”…testing the waters, to see if she had changed. But, the proof is in the pudding…she is still the same witch.

    Like Julie’s spa friend, these people send mixed messages to confuse you. That is how they pull you back in.

    Ignore. Delete. Block them. Turn the page. Leave them behind in 2016. So long suckers….


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  • #180472

    justbella
    Participant

    Hello Comfies,

    Lottie, it is very hard not to give in to these Drains. They persistently pull us back in, as Jacqueline noted. And as Julie noted last week, they fool us with kindness. Then we get lulled into thinking that we can have a somewhat normal, even if limited, friendship.

    I have such a pattern with my Drain. The, the second she feels a bit more secure, she attacks me. My guess is that your Drain is very angry because you have had her over so seldom, therefore she attacked you, claiming that she was visiting another house (describing your house), which was supposed to make you jealous! And then complimenting your sweater, only to attack you. What she did in regard to your sweater illustrates how they operate: Kindness, followed by an attack.

    I think you experienced what I’m experiencing with my Drain. They do not really allow us to establish any distance: They are angered by our withdrawal, and then they attack. They never consider how their behavior has contributed to our withdrawal.

    I am sure, also, that your husband is correct about her being upset that you had a nice glass of champagne with your father, which mellowed him. They are jealous of our other interactions, and they do not want them to go well.

    I think a basic criterion for friendship should be that our friends want things to go well for us.

    Julie, it is good that you’ve seen enough of your Health resort friend to know to avoid her. By the way, my mother was also narcissistic.

    I think one thing I’ve learned is that being nice to these people only makes them more monstrous.


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  • #180473

    Jacqueline
    Participant

    “I think one thing I’ve learned is that being nice to these people only makes them more monstrous”. That about sums it all up, Kate!

    One of the sayings on my inspirational board is “Being too good, is no good!”


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  • #180476

    lottie
    Participant

    Thank you Comfies for your support,

    It is like I have undone all my distancing from MD.After trying to be kind and trying to encourage Kate to not be so upset by her MD and take it in her stride I feel like a fool for caving in with kindness. When I think back to yesterday she even said my beautiful dog who had just come back Christmas Eve from the Grooming smelled horrible.She sat with a smug look all through the near 8 hrs she was at our home.She ate well,I bought the cheese she liked and she drank well.She rubbished my sisters name even when I asked her to stop. For all she says she has done she has nothing to show for it,just boasting about her popularity.
    Even when I mentioned my fathers mothers unmarked grave I said I will be putting a headstone on it,she replied saying she had already done that to her exhusbands mothers grave for her grandchildren to see.Then continued to crow adding the stone mason gave her a complimentary vase with her being good citizen.Everything revoles around how generous she is. BUT she isn’t generous she is a greedy taker,swindler and liar.
    Today my hubby and I went out yet it was marred by her mean spirited remarks that tortoured my mind. I wanted to cry for being so stupid for allowing her into my home.To be so spiteful towards my little dog was the pits.

    No matter what she thinks I do work wise she ups me but more viciously than ever,yet I don’t tell her much, I don’t get chance.At one stage I felt myself nodding off, she wasn’t pleased. She asked about my mouth /teeth trouble but answered for me by belittling my problem making her ear lump more important.

    The strangest thing that is puzzling is she almost begs and craves for my approval.She wants me to shower her with compliments. Incidentally I made her a Christmas cake along with many more (she asked for one free of course)never thanked as she left.She has left me totally bulldozed by her self promotion.
    My hubby absolutely loathes her and thinks there is positively brain damage from when she unsuccessfully tried to hang herself 10 yrs ago,brought on by stress after not coping at work.That says my hubby is the only failure she seems to have had in her life.She questioned me about work asking when I go back. My reply that I can go when I feel like seemed to disturb her more.

    Yes Jacqueline you are right being too good is no good.Just wish I had not decided to be generous natured towards her,it has done me no good.

    No doubt my disappointment will ease just wish it had not occured over the holiday period.

    Thank you for reading Comfies. Enjoy the New Year celebrations. Take care and best wishes to all. Lottie


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  • #180477

    Jacqueline
    Participant

    Lottie Sweetheart, PLEASE PLEASE stop belittling yourself. You WANTED to invite the Main Drain…you WANTED to bake that cake for her, and all the etc. that you WANTED to do. You did everything YOUR way, the way you wanted.

    She is an ungrateful, self-centered witch. THAT is HER problem, not yours!

    She is miserable, but you are not. She is unhappy, you are not. She wants you to be as miserable as she is. But, you are not. Do not let her bring you down to her level.

    You tried your best. You gave it your all with your heart. You should feel so proud and so good for all the effort you put forth. But, she is the way she is. You cannot change her or make her appreciate you with all the kindness you have shown her. She does not deserve you.


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  • #180479

    Bubbles
    Participant

    Lottie, Jacqueline is so right!!!! You wanted to give this drain a chance to be a friend!!! How else would you know if she had changed for the better or not!!! I did the same with my new friend. I knew at the first lunch meeting that there were things I did not like about her:

    Bragging about being rich
    Asking me personal questions about my will, my income, savings, how many cars I had, etc.
    Telling me i should get my long hair cut and that she could teach me to dress better
    Aggressively putting herself above me, subtly
    The fact she uses this 45 year old bi polar man as her ” date” etc. ( she is 66)
    The cold statements made about as soon as her ex husband dies ( he is 85 now) she will get his SSA check!

    And other things. She rapid fired questions at ne to quickly assess how rich i was right away then looked up her nose at me because she felt i did not dress as stylishly as her ( not true). She searched for sensitive areas i was ashamed of too mabey to figure out how she could be over me.

    I am too open with people because i was raised with narccassist parents who would punish me if I did not immediately answer every question they fired at me, answered wrong, or did not answer quickly enough. I wish i could change so these emotional nosey vampires cannot coldly assess me or read me like a book so easily and then manipulate me. But i am not a victim!!! I can learn and change like you gals have! Every day I see you all change in positive ways!!! Lotti keep being your warm self! You had to try with her just like I did with my new strange friend.

    This shows my growth:

    I did not agree to go to that show with her!
    I did not help her with her luggage at the resort. She told me she was bringing 35 lbs in a carry on but that was a lie, she also brought a 60 lb huge suitcase that she checked.
    When she forgot her key in the room, (3 times) i did not chase her or wait for her, instead, i hid her keys under a rock by the front door and texed herthat location. Of couse she pretended not to get the message…
    When i had to go to the Doctor, i did not make excuses to her intrusive and rude questioning…for taking the medication my Dr prescribed….since she does not believe in doctors.
    I did not laugh when she told me her purpose in life is to travel the world and recite her bland, boring, bad ” poetry”.
    I said no when she offered me a used jar of her old brown face cream with just 1/8 left in the bottom. Euck!

    So, im learning to be firmer and not as much a people pleaser as before. It takes being around boundary busting rude people to see how we have grown!!! Without these useful creeps, we would not have many chances to try out our new assertiveness skills!!! Keep learning, girls!!! I so wish we could all meet someday, we would have a bladt!


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  • #180480

    Bubbles
    Participant

    Blast


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  • #180482

    Jacqueline
    Participant

    Right on, Julie! As kind and compassionate as you are, once you see someone showing you exactly how they are, you know to back off and run for the hills! It does not matter HOW you get there, you DO!!! So, as you so wisely stated, you, Lottie and Kate have recognized these bad behaviours, and distance yourselves from these Drains. We are all different and handle these witches in our own way. The most important factor is that we recognize the inappropriate, abusive treatment and do not tolerate it anymore, in spite of all our baggage that we are lugging around.


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  • #180484

    justbella
    Participant

    Hi Lottie, Jacqueline and Julie,

    I was so moved reading all of your posts this morning! I agree with Julie that we would all have a blast if we ever met.

    Lottie, I agree with Jacqueline and Julie that you should not beat yourself up. You were feeling better about your M.D. We want things to be normal with our M.D.’s. And there are times that they can behave well, which is why we befriended them in the first place. But, as Julie says, they are emotional vampires. They drain us of our good feelings, including our good feelings toward them, ironically. And, as Jacqueline says, they are witches! Note that both of these supernatural beings are noted for being able to lure people in.

    They are such types. Again in reading about your MD, I am reminded of mine, even down toward her being critical of your dog. My little dog has a “parti-colored” coat. The front half of her body is black, the back half is gray and her tail is black. Well, as soon as the gray started emerging, my M.D. would remark on it, and in a critical manner. Then, every time she came in, for years, she would comment each time. She even did this when she was last in, in July, and the dog is now seven years old!

    If you are someone who has a full life, as you do, Lottie: husband, animals, work, father, sister, Comfies and friends in the outside world, you naturally feel as if you can be generous toward other people. And these people are skilled at manipulation, don’t forget that. I am sorry that she treated you so badly; she should have been grateful that you still had her into your home, especially during the holidays. You did a good thing for a bad person.

    The good news is that we are all now monitoring ourselves and that we have each other. Now, we quickly get rid of new Drains we meet. I don’t think this will happen to us again. We should all feel really good about that. You have helped me feel better so many times, all of you, and I feel especially thankful that I am being so cautious with new people I meet. Our miserable Drains don’t deserve us: They deserve themselves, and as we withdraw, that’s who they are left with. My Drain doesn’t have any friends left, just some acquaintances for whom she does favors in order to see them. And maybe just one of those, actually.


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  • #180485

    Jacqueline
    Participant

    Hi Kate..

    Anyone who criticizes those who are defenseless, or incapable of defending themselves, is pathetic. Criticizing a beloved pet is a case in point. I am also untrusting of those who do not like animals. Perhaps because these beautiful creatures offer unconditional love, and the Drains can’t possibly understand that. They are afraid of love, they feel that emotions portray weakness. When, it is the opposite. So, they go through life miserable, insecure, and afraid to let their guards down, afraid to express love.


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  • #180486

    justbella
    Participant

    Hi Jacqueline,

    I agree. I was so angry when I read about Lottie’s Drain criticizing her dog. And, of course, when Drains criticize our pets, they criticize us. They are jealous of anyone we care about, and that includes our pets. My Drain has cats, but she doesn’t really care about them. For example, she inadvertently hit one with her car. She then spent thousands on vet care, but when the cat came home from the hospital, wearing one of those collars, the Drain didn’t bother closing her in a room until the collar was removed, but just let her run out through the cat door. A cat recovering from major surgery and wearing one of those collars could not defend herself; the cat never returned, and I would wager that an animal got her. The Drain was not at all upset. She is as cold as ice.

    There people are emotional vampires (so much on the internet about this, of course). I think they are attracted to people who are warm and emotional; we certainly all fit that bill. A vampire has to be invited into the victim’s home, and once we do that, they suck the life from us. Lottie’s Drain did all that she could to suck the good, holiday feelings Lottie had from her. After they have done this, they momentarily feel better. But it is only a momentary fix; they need to feed again soon.


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  • #180487

    Jacqueline
    Participant

    What an uncaring piece of…. your MD is….to treat an innocent, defenseless kitty like that. Inexcusable and disgusting. She thinks her money takes care of everything. NOT.

    (BTW, have you not seen the new post I started “FANTASTIC NEWS”?????) 😉


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  • #180491

    justbella
    Participant

    Thank you for telling me about the new post! That is fabulous news! I replied on that thread.

    You must be so thrilled!


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  • #180574

    justbella
    Participant

    Hello all,

    As I was thinking about how great it is that Baby Lou arrived just in time for the New Year, I realized something: I did NOT hear from my M.D. this week! I had hoped she would be so focused on the drive to FL that she wouldn’t call, and she didn’t! As long as she has something to do, I have peace. As my therapist correctly noted, she doesn’t really become attached to people; it’s all about activity with her. She just wants someone to do something with.

    I have had a much easier time of it this week. The usual stresses, “just life,” but without having to deal with a mean, crazy person on top of it all.

    I have noticed a change since I’ve been on this blog: I do not try as hard with difficult people now. For example, I was supposed to get together with someone today, but my health has not been the best this week. So I cancelled the plans last night, with no guilt. Also, one of my cousins is a difficult person, who blows hot and cold. Generally, I will reach out during her “cold” phases, but realized I did not want to this time, so I didn’t. These may not seem like big steps, but I feel they are significant. I just this second realized that in each instance I did put myself first, as Jacqueline always counsels! I wasn’t cruel to either person; I just didn’t knock myself out for them at my own expense.


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  • #180576

    Jacqueline
    Participant

    “These may not seem like big steps, but I feel they are significant.” Wrong, Kate…these are HUGE steps! WOWZA! Your M.D. doesn’t care WHO she is with, as long as she is not alone with herself. So, she does not really want to be with YOU, she just does not want to be with herself! And, since she has not bothered you all week, you are able to see, very clearly, what a relief it is not to have to deal with her. If not you, trust me, she will find someone else to impose herself on!

    “As long as you are true to yourself, you cannot make a mistake”, is also one of my suggestions, and you see, it is so true, Kate! Look at how much better and happier you are for not seeing that other friend or your cousin because you weren’t up for it. Having respect for yourself, drawing that line in the sand, being comfortable enough with yourself to say “no”, will only work in your favour. And, you can see it already is!

    Sorry to hear your health has not been so good this week. But, I am happy you took the necessary steps to take care of yourself. That’s a big step in the right direction!!!!


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  • #180580

    lottie
    Participant

    Hello Kate Jacqueline and Bubbly,

    Jacquline you have done so well getting back on track,things have really revved up for you what with your job and new baby and now a kitty.Nothing is going to knock you ever again that you will not be able to handle.
    Your advice and help to us Comfies is remarkable,what would we have done without you.You are a force to be reckoned with. It is so encouraging to us all.Please accept my apologises when I mentioned I like the smell of babies,I do and kitties,BUT not the pooy.

    Kate you are also getting stronger and resisting being used.Sorry to read you have been off colour again this week. It is this time of year that creeps upon us all just as our batteries are low,although I do know you do have an illness also. It seems other people expect so much and time isnt always available to keep giving.Like Jacquline says we must sort ourselves first.

    This morning I was having my hair done as we talked about others who expect and treat us badly. Something that abusers get used to and continue going one step further until they have no respect for us at all.

    It happened in the salon some weeks back when the owner said something totally out of order about my father. He thought he was being clever,he wasn’t,just a total idiot where he showed himself up in front of clients.I can say things about my father but do not want to hear it coming from someone else without inviting them to give their opinions.(Comfies excluded )We are here for us.

    I was quiet, then unexpectedly for him gave a sharp response which withered him to the floor. Since then he has changed towards me for the better.

    On saying that after the MD encounter on Boxing Day I have felt extremely sad but am trying to look on the bright side. This morning it was on my mind as soon as my eyes opened,thinking how cruel she was when accepting our hopitality for near 8 hours then left with spitful words leaving a nasty wound,a viper wouldn’t have been so aggressive. It will take me time to feel better, it will be sooner rather than later. It was jealousy according to my hubby who thinks it narked her with him being so attentive,which he is and was.It is 15.30 here and I will stay on line if you are not too busy and if you read. If not have a great New Year and lets look forward to at least Peace Of Mind. Enjoy. Lottie


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  • #180587

    justbella
    Participant

    Hello,

    Thanks for the encouragement, as always.

    Lottie, it’s good you but the hairdresser in his place. You have such a way with words that I’m certain you really shut him down!

    I’m sorry you still feel the reverberations from your MD’s visit. I still feel bad when I think about the recent conversations with mine. Do you ever think that she plans her jabs? I think mine does sometimes; in fact, I’m sure of it. And at the end of her eight hour visit. Sounds the length of my MD’s visits. They are twins separated at birth; I’m sure of it.

    I bet your hubby is right that she’s jealous of him being so attentive, as well as being jealous of your home and jealous of you and your generous spirit. Also, they need us, and that makes them resent us.

    We get lulled into thinking they are our friends, despite everything; then they strike. They are good at what they do. The only answer is to shield ourselves.


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  • #180592

    lottie
    Participant

    Thank you Kate,

    You are kind worded,sometimes mine are a tad blunt but I mean no harm. Its my sense of humour doesn’t always fit the occasion but thats me.So apologises all round when I say the wrong thing.
    Yes the hairdresser I have know forever,but he needed a livener and got one, right in the jugular!! He doesnt do my hair thank goodness.
    As for MD she asked if she could come to ours and asked if I would make her Christmas Cake cake which I did,with a kind heart.One thing i have noticed is when ever I give her grandchild who lives with her a gift ie CP,I never receive a thank you note.NEVER. Now Kate, MD thinks she is so high and mighty and superior and who claims to have to teach the child manners wouldn’t you have thought she would teach her thank you notes.NO.
    Yes regarding MDs they need an audience or anyone who will put up with them.She always these days has people to call on. And people who are less fortunate but with cars of course.She makes them believe she is there to help them but her words are always about self trumpeting. She sponges and scrounges as much as possible.Malice a forethought( not quite) which is exactly what I am now thinking, thank you Kate. It has never entered my mind that she plots to up trump others. Her sister in law wont even be in the same room as her because she has to hold court. If all are not listening then she shouts louder.Even the slightest thing no matter how trivial she has to up trump.

    Her ear trouble from many moons ago is now more serious than anything. Hubby says she is nuts and off her trolley.I go back to the surgeon on 13th Jan. She asked then said she goes to the top consultant in the country on the 11th.Jan. He wouldn’t be working in the hospital where she goes and neither mine.That says it all that she thinks I believe her.Which for me is even more insulting to think she thinks I am hoodwinked into believing her tripe.On a couple of occasions I have let rip telling her to stop telling porkies because it is tiresome.She forgets Kate that is the difference between her and me ,I remember and clock what gets said.Kate do you think your MD thinks she is hoodwinking you into believing her lies??

    One thing is funny if she ever reads this site she will know I am talking about her!!!!!!!!!!

    We are staying in tonight so I might go to work tomorrow morning the roads will be clear. Just the police lurking around. My luck they pull me thnking I am leaving a party late.Enjoy what ever you do. Isnt it a shame we all live miles apart.It is like our own private site. I suppose others who want to join in don’t know you are Kate and Bubbles is Bubbly to me but also Julie,it must comfuse some people.

    Enjoy your evening,hope you get some good rest in and soon feelbetter. Lottie


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  • #180601

    Jacqueline
    Participant

    Dear Lottie:

    We all love your sense of humour. Your bluntness is what makes you YOU!! I am not at all offended about your comments about baby smell…aka pooh…It actually made me laugh out loud!

    Lottie, don’t feel sad about doing kind things for the MD or the grandchild. You are doing what YOU want and you feel good about it, so who cares that it won’t be reciprocated??? The MD is full of crap with her tall tales. How pathetic she is that she has to resort to lies to make her look good.

    Good for you for putting that hairdresser in his place! He had no business making those remarks concerning your father. He will now be more careful and respectful. Good for you!

    Comfies, I feel like we are all in my livingroom, sipping a glass of wine (Champagne? Something stronger for you, Lottie…lol??)

    My ex (bf) wanted to come along with me to pick up Star, and later, he wanted to take me out for an early supper. However, I invited to come for lunch…We watched a movie, finished a bag of licorice (sorry Kate 😉 ), with Star cuddled up on my legs. For supper, I had already gone out yesterday and bought some lobster tails and scallops, because he has had a craving for them for months. So, he thinks we are going out, but everything is right here!

    I hope all the Comfies and Everyone, have a peaceful and happy night, as we ring in 2017!!!


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  • #180611

    Bubbles
    Participant

    Hi! Happy New Year everyone!!! Hey friends i have been reading all about narccists lately and it is very illuminating. I wish you could also read this i have learned so much! U tube ” How to get rid of a narrcasist in 10 days” , then Google ” Signs of a narcissist” what if my friend is a narccist, etc.and the way to deal with the narcacist! One great way to deal with them is : Gray Rock Technique!!!! With this technique, that i had accidently used years ago with my sister, you can deal with your drains!!!!!

    The Gray Rock technique basiclly helps you to appear so boring to the Narc that they do not target you with rage, emotion, drama or anything!!!

    I recognized that many of my past draining friends and my parents and sister have varying degrees of narc traits …no wonder i attract these types, become a target for them, keep them around, and inadvertantly give them their desired feed” by playing their various drama filled games!!!. Even my new friends have these traits!!!

    So, i did use this Gray Rock technique on this friend three days ago.

    She called me and left a cheery message asking me if I was still eating like we did at the center. She also wanted to know the facebook page of the group from the center. She was supposed to give them her e mail address but she didnt so she asked me of course. At first i did not want to respond but thought I had to. I waited a couple days.

    Then, i followed Grey Rock where you do not answer what they ask but instead act boring and unemotional as a plain and common gray rock. If you are boring enough and do not feed them with drama, emotions, or answer them, they may wander off to better targets!

    I responded by text, not verbally since less emotional. I said Happy New Year. Thats it. She started trying to create drama. And be a drain telling me i would have LOVED that show it was soooo great,,,,,!,,,,,,that i should go with My husband, etc, not knowing im not the least bit interested. Then she demanded the FB group site. All I said was the FB site is______. Nothing more. Then she has not texed me since. Im such a boring unemotional rock like person it is making her less interested in creating drama and feeding off my emotional reactions she she has none of her own!!!


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  • #180612

    Bubbles
    Participant

    Oh i have a glass of Pink Champagne now! Our fireplace us on, my husband is getting ready to cook the rib roast, etc!!! Happy New Year!!!!


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  • #180613

    Jacqueline
    Participant

    So glad your hubby is spoiling you and making supper!! Cheers!

    Loved your post about narcs, Julie. However, what works for me is no contact. They have no idea WHAT we are thinking when we just stop answering. No contact = no more. But, we each have our own methods to stop this madness.


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  • #180614

    Bubbles
    Participant

    Yes, Jacqueline, n contact is the best. ONLY if yu MUST have occasional contact with someone like i had to with my sister when I had to execute my Dads estate. I never have to see her now. I allow her to e mail me so she can communicatvand wont drive the 3 hours to come over here but i never respond. No e mails from her for about a year so maybe thats the end of it. I learned a lot from reading about Gray Rock. I learned to beter recognize narcs!!!! I seem to be a nice juicy emotion filled target for them and their games and abuse!!!!


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  • #180619

    justbella
    Participant

    Hi Comfies,

    You raise an interesting point, Lottie, about whether my Drain thinks I’m hoodwinked by her lies. Yes, I think she probably does, or at least hopes I am.

    Somehow it doesn’t surprise me that the grandchild didn’t write a thank you note. I guess because the Drain doesn’t really have good manners;it’s all fake. Someone once said that you don’t need to learn good manners, you just need to think about putting the other person first. I don’t think Drains put others first, to say the least. And that the grandchild HAS learned from the Drain.

    Jacqueline, I also love seafood, so I also wish I could have shared the seafood, as well as the licorice! Ha! Seriously, sounds like the perfect evening to me. I love staying home, looking at films and snuggling with pets.

    Julie, thanks for sharing the Gray Rock technique. A friend has been counseling me to try this with Narcissists, including the Main Drain, for years. Once I used it with a difficult person in a club. As my friend and I walked to the next club gathering, I kept repeating his counsel, “Bland it out. Bland it out.” I was indeed very bland, and the difficult one backed off immediately! But when my emotions get more stirred up, as they tend to do with those infuriating Drains, it’s sometimes hard for me to be the bland Gray Rock. My friend says that this is what you have to do, though, that Narcissists/Drains just love getting you going, that what they really can’t stand is not your anger (because then you’re giving them attention), but your indifference.

    Sounds as if Gray Rock worked like a charm with your spa friend.

    I agree with Jacqueline that no contact is best, but in some instances Gray Rock can result in no contact, I suspect. And, as you say, if you are forced to have some contact it is the way to go.


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  • #180621

    lottie
    Participant

    Thank you Jacqueline for your understanding.You are making me want a kitty so much.My hubby keeps saying to get another or an old puss.Like Kate I had a snoop on the internet and they are sssoooooo beautiful. Plus a grandchild to snuggle up with.Lucky lady.

    I say though Jacqueline how you have turned your life round from this time last year.We never know what is around the corner.When we reach rock bottom the only way is up, you being a prime example.

    Very best wishes to you and all on this site.Lottie


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    • #180624

      Jacqueline
      Participant

      I was looking for an older puss (as you say, Lottie!!) too! No way did I want a baby. But Star is very mature and smart, so she is not a problem at all. It feels like she has always been here. Diablo was kissing her this morning!

      I think it is wise to take all the advice on narcs, and use it accordingly. See which one “fits” at the time. We now have different choices, should one way not work.


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  • #180623

    lottie
    Participant

    Hello there Bubbly,

    Happy New Year to you. HHMMMM sounds good what your hubby cooked last night and pink champagne! My hubby has just gone for an Indian Takeaway. The bubbly will be opened when he gets back. I have been at work today, so glad to relax now.

    Very interesting the Grey Rock will most certainly look into it,thanks for the mention. As for looking bored when MD boasts and braggs for me it sends me into a trance as if being hypnotised with it being a one way conversation, so boring I can nod off.Well I did on Boxing Day when she came.She wasn’t too pleased,but hey ho Jacquelines idea is good …to not answer them.

    You sound very happy Bubbly which is exactly what we shall be having shortly.lol. Take care lets have the time of our lives this year.Lottie


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  • #180625

    lottie
    Participant

    Hello Kate,

    Thank you for your reply.

    Hoping the New Year is more than happy for you,and your foal doing well.

    Regarding MDs yes I think they like to think we are fooled by their gobblydegook,piffle and lies. Even so,they can’t be sure.I have confronted her in the past when I have heard enough and she usually starts the tears saying sorry then lieing again by saying she doesnt do lies.Her family know too well that she does.It is puzzling why the heck she does it.She up trumps everytime I have met her,not even now and then. At first after not seeing her for years I was impressed but soon realised there was something a miss when she got the push from her job after trying to hang herself.She boasted about it.Her achievements don’t add up. She isn’t old enough and the years don’t tally,so it must be lies. She talks quickly and doesn’t remember all she says.Yet I do on occasion remind her of a money problem she had. If she had been so sharp minded it wouldn’t have happened.For all she has supposedly done regarding work their is nothing much to show for it. She brags how she gets STUFF off people thinking it clever,by visiting people who eventually drop her. The rest I will leave to your imagination.When I feel mischievous I do throw in the odd question and believe me she stutters and stumbles but gets round it with more lies leaving me smiling,but saying nothing.She never asks what I have done,been anywhere, dismisses my holidays especially with hubby.My work if she asks is just an invitation to up me with her variety of specialist jobs,in her mind.Top and tail of this is she can’t cope with me working,it rattles her cage too much.
    Harping on again Kate. With trying to be kind hearted I am angry at myself for letting her into our home after not entertaining for near two years. It is my problem not hers.Grey Rock sounds good for us but equally so does Jacquelines no reply. Enjoy your day Kate hoping the weather is not too bad where you live.
    Just thought about Darlene she hasnt come back,maybe this year she will show.
    Take care Kate and thank you for your time.Lottie


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  • #180630

    Bubbles
    Participant

    Hi all, im having abguilt attack today. I made up my mind i woud not answer the phone when the ” friend” called. She called today and i did not answer. Left a message about how she was eating plant based like at the health center. i am glad for her but feel guilty that i am nit interested in being a friend. It is not like she is a monster or anything…


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  • #180631

    Bubbles
    Participant

    I have been using a small i pad mini and so you may see spelling errors, etc since even with glasses i cannot see very well…


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  • #180632

    Jacqueline
    Participant

    Now listen up, Lottie. First of all, it is ok that you invited the MD back into your home after two years. You were simply “testing the waters”. You have clarity. You know, without a doubt, she is the way she is, and will never change. Everytime you post something about her, I cannot believe all the drama around her. She is sick, Lottie. Ask yourself, “What does she add to my life?” The answer is nothing! She upsets you, lies to you, competes with you, is jealous of you, etc. There will come a time when you decide that enough is enough, and you will drop her, once and for all.

    And, Julie, you have nothing to feel guilty about. You do not owe anyone anything. You have decided you do not really care about this person, you do not want to be a part of anything to do with her. You are being true to yourself. You do not have to know WHY; you are just following your gut. So, what’s the problem? Pretending to be interested is not going to make you feel better. I say, “GOOD FOR YOU, JULIE!!!!”


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  • #180634

    Bubbles
    Participant

    Oh Jacqueline, you are wonderful!!! Yes, how did you guess that I feel i have to have a REAL good reason!!!! Before i am allowed to end a friendship. Sge was bragging about eating perfectly plant based abd had i talked to her i would have to feel ashamed because i didnt, the last two nights we have had prime rib, wine, etc!!! Then she could chide me or i would have to feel like i failed. Or i could lie and say im eating great. If i am alrady planning on how to keep her from intruding in my life then…. wow….this is a red flag. I need to stand firm and not answer. What if she starts laving messages sort of demanding I call her? I guess will wait and see if that happens. Thanks!!!

    I think it is stuck in my mind that if “anyone” 😴Actually wants me to be their friend, even if they are odd, not my cup of tea, or have nothing to offer me, that i ” have” to be their friend. But i put energy into my friendships and dont want t give that to just anyone.

    And yes Lottie, if ii can be strong enough to distance myself from this friend, you can do the same! Lets be brave and follow Jackies great example!!! We can do this,


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  • #180635

    Jacqueline
    Participant

    Imagine that you are thinking about not telling her the truth about the food you are eating????? Really, Julie? No one has the right to dictate to you what to eat (unless, of course, you have a serious health issue and it is your doctor, doing this in your best interest), how to dress, etc.

    Can’t you just block her, Julie? You do not have to listen to any of her messages. You do not have to listen to anything she says.

    This is you NOW. You do not have to put up with anything you do not want to. Aren’t you at an age where you have earned the right to do whatever the **** you want???? For all the years and years you put yourself out for everyone else, did not live your life the way YOU wanted, isn’t it time that you did NOW????? You have only to answer to yourself. This idiot who is telling you what you should or should not be eating or doing, has no regard for your feelings, she is just a control freak.

    But if you tell yourself, “NO MORE!” and dump her from your life, you will feel alot better. You deserve it, Dear Julie.

    I have had several people in the last year who repeatedly left me messages, people who were no good for me. So, after I got tired of not listening to their messages, and just deleting them, I finally decided I had had enough, and just totally blocked them. Ah! What a relief!


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  • #180636

    Bubbles
    Participant

    Im so tempted to block her! Because i am almost fearful that i will accidently answer the phone, say the wrong thing, and feel much guiltier or just appear that i am continuing the relationship. She does not have my e mail either. Whew. I think i will block just so i dont worry anymore. Thanks!


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  • #180637

    Jacqueline
    Participant

    You cannot “say the wrong thing”, Julie….But you mean “the wrong thing”…ACCORDING TO HER!

    Once you block her, she is gone! You will no longer keep having thoughts of her in your head.

    Look at all the anxiety she is causing you. Life is too short.


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  • #180638

    Bubbles
    Participant

    Blocked!!! I still feel weird and out of my comfort zone but i know it is the right thing!!!!


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  • #180639

    Jacqueline
    Participant

    Change is always difficult. Sometimes, we have to step out of our comfort zone in order to move forward.

    Julie, I am very very proud of you! Trust me, you will soon realize you made the right decision, and you will no longer feel weird. You took charge, you took control of your life! It will get easier as time goes on…and now you know you can do it, if this type of behaviour happens again with anyone else who is not respectful. 🙂


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  • #180640

    Bubbles
    Participant

    Yes, there was some hold she had on my possible reminded me of my own dysfunctional mother or something, who knows or cares why. People who are outwardly smiley yet manipulate and make strange comments and ask intrusive questions scare me. I dont know how to take them..so i wont! Blocked!


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  • #180641

    justbella
    Participant

    Hello,

    I just read all of yesterday’s posts with interest.

    Lottie, I had to laugh when I read about you nodding off while your Drain droned (drained) on! This is how I often feel when mine brags about her life. Mine, as you know, lies constantly. I guess it has to do with her narcissism, as it probably does with yours.

    It is really horrible, Lottie, when someone is as nice to someone as you were to your Drain, and that is thrown back in their face. You even baked her a cake! Of course, when I was in better condition, I used to cook for my Drain. That was wasted energy. We both did the right thing, but for the wrong people. You are such a radiant person, Lottie. I hate it that you were dumped on by this monstrous woman. Like my Drain, she is deeply disturbed. And we were trained by our families to minister to the disturbed. People without our backgrounds go running for the hills when they get to know Drains. But so often we feel that we aren’t being good people when we want to stop giving to them.

    Thank you for asking about my foal. The stable owner sent me a Christmas photo of him with a Santa hat (with a hole cut in one ear, so that it was set at a rakish angle) and hay coming out of both sides of his mouth, like whiskers. She called it “Santa Hooves.” I’m going to see him and his mom next week. Our animals appreciate our generosity! Much better to be in their company than in the Drains’!

    Regarding guilt, Julie, I am right there with you. I did not call my Drain before she left for her trip, and I confess that I felt guilty about that. I think not continuing to be giving to others is outside of our comfort zones. But I agree with Jacqueline that we are at an age when we have earned the right to do what we want, and if we don’t want to see someone or talk with someone, why should we?

    I can so relate to what you say about your Drain not being all bad. I think that is how we get suckered in. If these people were horrible, we wouldn’t have become friends with them in the first place. I know you’ve heard about my Drain since she’s been just horrible, but she wasn’t always like this. It was a while before the bad so outweighed the good. Regarding your spa friend, I think there are enough red flags that it makes sense not to pursue a friendship with her. The deeper you get involved, the harder it is to withdraw.

    Here, although I am happy not to talk with my Drain, it is still a sad situation. I wish it could have been different. It is natural that I feel sad, because I have known her such a long time. I also feel sad, however, because I wasted so much energy on someone who wasn’t capable of really caring for me. Based upon what we discussed in the dysfunctional family thread, we know that all of us came from families which set the template for these types of relationships. Therefore, we shouldn’t blame ourselves. But harking back to being women “of a certain age,” it is now time that we resolve never to have these types of relationships again.

    Jacqueline, I was wondering how Diablo was feeling about Star, but it sounds as if he is also smitten! Do you know if having a neutered male cat and a female cat like this often leads to companionship? The reason I ask is that I had two female indoors cats, and they never got along! They were very territorial, and each had certain rooms into which the other one couldn’t step a paw!


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  • #180642

    Jacqueline
    Participant

    Oh Kate, just picturing your foal with a Santa Hat, placed to the side, made my day!! How cute is that!

    You are so right in what you said about all those Drains/Abusers who used and abused our kindness. But, I look at it this way, Dear Kate: We learned from these experiences. We always did the right thing, so we have nothing to feel guilty or ashamed about. But, we are tired now of not being respected, so it is finally time for us to be kind to ourselves. We want a happy, peaceful and healthy life, which these narcs bring none of to the table.

    Thanks for asking about Diablo and Star. In all the years I have been mama to many kitties, never have I had the pleasure of one as amazing as Star! She walked in with attitude, never hid for a few days (which all of mine did in the beginning), tail held high, walked right up to her new brother and introduced herself! Diablo did hiss a couple of times, which is unusual for him, but he still played with her right away!

    My experience with bringing a new cat (whether older or younger) is that there is jealousy and a “getting to know you” period. Did not happen with Diablo or Star. They are both sterilized, but this does not affect their reactions to each other. Diablo kisses her and they follow each other around. I love it! Plus, as soon as I sit or go to bed, Star joins me. Unusual for a Bengal, as they are usually not lap cats.

    I have been wondering how you are feeling, Kate? Hopefully, you are better!


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  • #180643

    justbella
    Participant

    HI Jacqueline,

    Star sounds like an exceptional individual! You are clearly meant for each other.

    My female cats never reconciled. I just have one kitty now. My little dog tries to make friends with her, but that doesn’t happen. However, the kitty does tolerate the dog, doesn’t hiss or try to scratch, so that’s good.

    I agree with what you say about how we did nothing wrong when we were warm toward the Drains. But we do reach our limits. Mine have come with my age, physical limitations and the last few years of my father’s life, followed by dealing with his lawyer, etc. And by the fact that my husband is so stressed at his job that I have to protect his free time. Of course the Drain has no empathy for any of this; all she thinks about is that she’s not being allowed to drain anymore.

    Sometimes, I have “flashbacks” about her. Was just remembering how nice we all were to her for her birthday last summer. And this after she didn’t even acknowledge my father’s death. We not only gave her lovely presents, but took her out for a nice meal. A week later, she called and raged about how I didn’t have her in as often as I used to. I pointed out that she had just been in, and that we had showered her with presents. Then, when she raged at me last month, one thing she brought up was how I’d said that we had showered her with gifts, as if that was a horrible thing to have said. I was merely pointing out that she was raging at me after we’d been generous to her.

    The truth is that these people are empty, and we can’t give them enough; there is never enough for them to drain from us. (Here, I mean primarily emotional gifts, of course.) Also, I think they don’t respect us for giving to them; on some level, they know that our gifts are wasted on them. Further, I think they are angry at us BECAUSE we can’t make it all okay for them, no matter how much we give.

    Much better to be with a sweet cat or other pet, who is more capable of returning affection!

    Thank you for asking how I’m feeling. I have been better over the past couple of days. Am contemplating venturing forth for dinner someplace nice, someplace nearby. Have a hankering for seafood, which may have been prompted by your recent seafood dinner!


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  • #180645

    Jacqueline
    Participant

    Well said, Kate. These Drains are empty and look to others to fill that pain and emptiness, which we can never do. And, that is why they keep raging and keep after us. They appreciate nothing. They keep playing victim. They keep finding stuff to accuse us of, so we always feel like we are on the defensive, have to justify our actions. It is just such a waste of our time. So, that is why I say we just STOP…they are gonna keep on raging anyway…but if we block them from our lives, we will no longer have to be a part of theirs. Misery loves company.

    Pets love us unconditionally. They are good for us too! Just petting them lowers our blood pressure. And they certainly make us laugh!

    Kate, I say you should definitely get out and enjoy a seafood dinner! Why not order lobster tails..lol…


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  • #180647

    justbella
    Participant

    Hi Jacqueline,

    You are so right about the Drains. A friend always reminds me that when I did have the Drain in frequently and did let her spend the weekend, she behaved no better. He says that she has no idea of what friendship is. I’m sure he is right.

    On another note, I would love to have lobster tails. Will have to be satisfied with either shrimp or fish at this restaurant, though. Would say that lobster t is my favorite dish, so will plan on having that soon! I love going to New England and having lobster and fresh steamers in butter. Heaven!


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  • #180648

    Jacqueline
    Participant

    As for the Drains, Kate..they have to know they cannot treat us so disrespectfully. Case in point; when my ex was over last night for supper, we were talking about something that is bothering him right now. It is upsetting him to the point that he cannot stop thinking about it or talking about it. I have been supportive. But when he got out of line and told me not to put him down, when I never do that, I told him straight that if he did not like me telling him the truth, he could just leave! He shut up pretty fast. And, when I was talking to my daughter about Baby Lou,when she was first born, he told me I was talking too loud! In my own home! Ha! I told him that he has no right to tell me that, as I pay the rent, and if I want to talk loud and am excited, too bad for you! So, I apply the same system to myself!!! I would never suggest something I would not do myself.

    As for the seafood, I went to a specialty fish store to get the tails. They have been in business for over 60 years. Because I am such a good customer, they give me 10% off….. But Kate, it will be good for you to get out and have a nice meal….You deserve it!

    I was supposed to meet this woman who knitted Lou a baby blanket. She lives nearby to where I was with the wicked witch of a landlady for the last year. She cancelled on me, so I will just use the time to stay home, and maybe go out a bit later just to get some air.

    It is the day before I go back to work. I really really really do not want to go in. I am tired of my boss’s moods and behaviour. I am seriously thinking of preparing a letter of resignation, so that I will just drop it on his desk and leave, when the next abusive episode happens. It is just a question of time.

    I have started to wean my new colleague off of me this week. She will do all the evenings, and I will do the day! Approx. 5 hours/shift. But, I have no desire to do any of it!


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  • #180649

    justbella
    Participant

    HI Jacqueline,

    I think writing that letter is a great idea. I think it will make you feel even more empowered. I hope the need to give it to your boss doesn’t arise, but given his moods, I can certainly see why it’s logical to think that it well might–unfortunately!

    It’s good that you stood up to your ex. I had to do this some with my husband over the holidays. He has been under a lot of strain at work, but I told him he couldn’t take out his bad temper on me. He was behaving much the way your ex was, telling me what to do, etc. .

    Sometimes just standing up for yourself can be exhausting. And it’s amazing how often one has to do it. This is a sort of silly, but frustrating example. I ordered a pair of Sketchers, and Fed Ex simply isn’t delivering them. Three times, I have received e-mails saying that a delivery attempt was made, but I was at home each time, and no attempt was made, nor was a note left. Each time I called Fed Ex, and they checked that my address was the correct address on the package. On Sat., I was told that the supervisor at the terminus would speak to the driver, and then call me. But of course that didn’t happen. I was also told that if the package wasn’t delivered on Sat., another attempt would be made on Tues., but that is pointless, because I know the same thing will happen. Another weird thing is that the driver fills in that the “business” was closed, but of course this is a private residence. So I am now insisting that the seller refund my money. Fed Ex said I could pick up the package on Weds. or Thurs. at their station, but I told them I am disabled and getting there is not so easy for me, and I also said I have no confidence that this driver will get the package TO the station. This is just the oddest situation. So I am girding my loins to speak with the seller on Weds. (I already spoke with them early on, and they wanted me to talk to Fed Ex, which I did for three days straight. Enough!)

    Sorry it took so long to describe that. I’ve had difficulty getting packages before, but this really takes the cake. And Fed Ex is doing nothing about it. Clearly, something is up with this driver.

    Hope you have a good walk if you go out. Here it’s a mild day, but gray and drizzly.


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  • #180650

    lottie
    Participant

    Hi there Comfies,

    Thank you all for your kind words,just a little unsure about being radiant hhmmm I will think about it Kate,but thank you. As for KNITTING I somehow knew the word would sooner or later pop up,it always does when a new baby arrives!! OUCH Jacqueline.

    Was that you putting your foot down Jacqueline yesterday.I think I have turned into a twit,but feel Im on the way up again.
    Maybe you could start a new business Jacquline opening a scantuary of a sort called “Aunte Jacquelines House of Discipline and Correction”.Kate Bubbly and I will be your first clients.We 3 could be your paying clients,well not quite I am getting carried away its my imagination.
    Used to get into trouble with it at school, Art School loved it.Wrote a book once when at school got dragged to the head mistress,for being out of order. The girls at school loved it along with,yes,the head mistress,but not our English teacher.ha ha.My punishment was to read to the class but I liked that and so did they.I once saw the teacher stifling a smile. Those were the days. Yes and D was in the same class!!Glum.Yes misery does love company.That is something that D doesn’t get ….jokes of any kind,they have to be explained.Just wished I had taken more notice at WHAT WAS being taught.
    Funnily enough I never saw her much when we worked in the same company ,it was years later when I had my own business and towards the end when I ventured onto something similar. When she started with anorexia really seriously,it was me who visited her,she was really poorly.Before all that she had a great figure,but her mind was/is affected.

    Bubbly you are well on the way to dumping the new friend,she is insisting on tagging on. A few shakes and she will be left to intertwine herself to another.They are clever really and know how to play us.With my D when I let rip at her she will know.It will not be in anger.She has pushed me to the limit.I am thinking of blocking her on my mob,just waiting a while longer,THEN.
    Kate I think they do get angry when we give them something ie the Christmas Cake. It wouldn’t surprise me if D gave it someone passing it off as made by her.I showed her a photo of all the cakes together I had made,just as she was leaving, no response. Still no word of thanks I can forget it, but my ammunition store is growing. Now I’m sure of what she is at,I can join in the rules were well displayed on BD.

    Enjoy your meal out Kate with your lovely husband and take a breather from Ds.Best wishes Bubbly Jacqueline Lauren and all who might read,including Irene thank you for allowing us to natter on.Lottie


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  • #180651

    lottie
    Participant

    Just a thought it’s my malicious mind…..should I have put some squares of EX LAX in her Christmas Cake??? YES


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  • #180653

    lottie
    Participant

    Kate and Jacqueline,

    My hubby is the same as yours Kate and Jacquelines ex. The sooner they learn not to back chat the happier they will be. Remember a happy wife is a happy husband. Why oh why do they think they are in charge, heaven help.


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  • #180655

    justbella
    Participant

    Hi Lottie,

    Too funny about the Ex Lax! As well as about the D maybe passing along the cake to someone else. Not that I would want someone else to suffer, but if she did pass along the cake, it would certainly reflect badly on her!

    I just remembered an instance of giving something to my D, a sort of spontaneous gift I got for her in a museum gift shop once after we’d attended an exhibit. A couple of weeks later, she was talking about what to get her mother for her birthday, and she said, “I have that thing (referring to the museum shop gift), but I can’t give her THAT.” As if my gift was such a piece of crap that she couldn’t possibly consider it for her mother. Just so insulting: 1. That she was going to regift my gift, and 2. That she insulted the gift itself. So that was an instance where I was “punished” for having given her something.

    I think we could write a lot about D’s and gifts.


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  • #180656

    Bubbles
    Participant

    Hi all! So good to hear about your experiances! My spa friend is hasseling me. I blocked her from phone/ voicemails but cannot block texts. She Texts: i hop you are still following the program. Im going to Thailand next week.. ..

    I did not respond. Who gave her authority over my eating habits??? Maybe she will quit texting me someday!!!


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    • #180658

      Jacqueline
      Participant

      Well, she is going to Thailand, so I doubt she will text you from there. What a pain she is. Just keep deleting, Julie!!!

      And Kate, what a horrible person that drain is…talking about your gift like that. Don’t give her anything else!!! EVER!


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  • #180657

    Jacqueline
    Participant

    Lottie, I love the EXLAX idea!

    I believe a happy couple make a happy life…:)


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  • #180661

    justbella
    Participant

    Hi everyone,

    Jacqueline, I hope your first day back at work goes well, that your boss behaves herself. Sending good vibes your way. It’s nice that Diablo has the charming Star to keep him company.

    Julie, it is obnoxious of your spa friend to try to dictate how you eat. She sounds as if she’s trying to be your mother. As I wrote that, I remember that you’ve been writing about your mother in regard to how you respond to people like her. I could say the same of my Drain. My mother raged, too. I know well that my tolerance for the Drain was based on the template my mother created.

    It’s good that she’s going to Thailand next week. And I think the Gray Rock will work on her.

    Regarding men, I think they can fall into the paternalistic way of speaking to women, but note that Julie’s friend was being “maternalistic!” It is wrong for one adult to speak to another as if they are a child who needs to be told what to do.


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  • #180662

    Jacqueline
    Participant

    Thanks, Kate…I hope so too…but I know how moody my boss can be…that is why my letter of resignation is being prepared.

    So, did you go out for that seafood dinner???? Enquiring minds wanna know!!!! lol

    Today, we are expecting snow, rain, and possibly freezing rain later….as most people return to work today….oh joy!!!


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  • #180665

    justbella
    Participant

    Hi Jacqueline,

    It is a shame, to say the least, about your boss’s moodiness. I am sick of people who dump their bad feelings onto others. I hope that he will behave today.

    The weather isn’t great here, either, but not as bad as yours.

    I did go out for dinner! Thanks for asking! Had grilled shrimp with jasmine scented rice. It was quite good! My next trek to a restaurant will definitely be for lobster!

    Hope your day goes well.


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    • #180686

      Jacqueline
      Participant

      I am so happy you went out, Kate!!!!! Sounds delicious!

      The chaos never happened and the day went rather smoothly. Boy, was I ever surprised!
      And, to top it off, the boss was in a good mood!


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  • #180671

    lottie
    Participant

    Hi Kate,

    What a cheeky piece of S… D was to think of passing gifts off to another and telling you. It never ceases to amaze me how rude they are to others who they obviously think beneath them.Ds are so far up their own backsides they need a step ladder to get down,and that dear Kate is when they can trip themselves up. They can only ride so high then they have a downfall.You will be able to take a swipe and believe me I know I will. At the moment I shall take a back seat.Bide your time Kate it will come then knock her sideways,it will shut her up.It doesn’t have to be severe just enough to let them know we are laive and kicking.

    Take care Comfies. Lottie


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  • #180675

    Bubbles
    Participant

    Hi all!!! Im proud of us all for learning, growing, and effecively dealing with our drains! Mine is texting every day now. She tried to suck me back in today with this text: praying that you are OK. Thanks so much for giving me the gift of life…The health institute. You probably saved my life. Thanks again.

    I answered her Gray Rock like: no prob…very busy


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  • #180678

    justbella
    Participant

    Hi Lottie and Julie,

    I smiled when reading both of your posts! Neither of you is going to allow herself to be beaten down by these idiots, and reading your posts gives me strength, as always.

    Yes, Lottie, the Drain really is a cheeky piece of s…. Just unbelievably rude. And what also gets me is that she’s in the church every time the door opens, and of course brags about that, too. I don’t think you’re very spiritual if you treat those around you so badly. Is your Drain religious? You may have said before, but I can’t recall. My own belief is that the Creator expects us to be kind to all of creation, not just to sit in church. The Drain has told me that she goes to church and tries not to feel angry at people, but then even as she’s walking out of the door, she stars feeling angry again. She was laughing as she said it; as always she’s so fondly bemused by her appalling behavior. How likely are you to change if you find yourself so beguilingly charming?

    Julie, I also smiled when I read about your Gray Rock reply to your spa Drain. Just such a perfect response to her! They don’t realize how over the top they are when trying to suck us back in. It reminds me of what Lottie asked about whether they think we are hoodwinked by their lies. Oh, and I notice that she tells you she is praying that you are okay. Another use of religion to bolster bad behavior and to prove how pure her motives are.


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  • #180679

    justbella
    Participant

    Hello again,

    Earlier I responded to a post about someone’s friend always asking whether she wanted her to pay for things. This made me start thinking about my Minor Drain. I’ve gone on road trips with her for years, and she never offers to pay for gas, so I’m supplying the car and all the gas. Then, a few years ago, when her sister was visiting, she (the sister) told me that my friend wouldn’t let her pay for anything. Meals, plays, limousine service to and from the airport, my friend payed for everything. I hadn’t wanted to say anything to her about gas money, because I know she watches her money, but when I heard this from the sister, I couldn’t believe it. (The sister told me this because we all went out for lunch, and my friend insisted on paying for all of us. The only reason she paid for me was to impress her sister, I am quite sure.) I felt like a real sucker. I think the next time we go anywhere, if there is a next time, I will ask her to contribute.

    By contrast, another friend always insists upon paying for gas, plus treats me to a meal. People are very different, and I guess we always have to decide what we can tolerate. Well, one friend is a Drain and the other isn’t. Drains drain. Instead of putting gas in the car; she drains it out!


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  • #180690

    Bubbles
    Participant

    Yes, used religion to draw me back in!! I started Part 5 if you ladies dont mind so we dont have to page through so much!!!


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    • #180691

      Jacqueline
      Participant

      Great idea about starting a new thread, Julie!


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  • #180701

    lottie
    Participant

    Hi Kate Bubbly Jacqueline and all,

    Just replying here first then will nip to 5.

    Yes Kate religious when it suits,uses it for an advantage when lost for words, or thinking of what next to lie about.Only the other week I asked had she been to her place of worship lately. They can’t teach her anything else and has moved to another level, was her reply!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! How conceited arrogant and piteful that she regards herself so highly. She consideres herself to be so in control but cannot manage without her hourly smokes which are forbidden by her religion.
    A couple of years ago she invited me along it was very interesting and peaceful.You could hear her voice everywhere they are lovely quietly spoken people but she had to place herself on a pedastal to one side like ….look at me …oh yes then her mobile started to ring.She got what she wanted, all eyes on her.I was very welcomed by all it didnt go down well. After some weeks invites stopped, never got asked again,it might have had something to do with being too welcomed with coffee and biscuits,as her grabbing hands reached over grabbing a handful of biscuits before anyone had chance. Kate she has poor manners as if you hadn’t guessed.
    I think it is safe to say I am annoyed with her. lol hahahah
    Comfies 5 on my way. Lottie


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  • #180738

    lottie
    Participant

    Hello Comfies 5

    Unable to join in so using 4 instead to let youy know.Will try again later. Lottie


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  • #180741

    justbella
    Participant

    Hi Lottie,

    Thanks for letting us know!


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