Best friend has become extremely neglegent recently. Really need advice
December 20, 2016 at 10:56 pm #180359
Okay so I’ll try to keep this short.
I’m a 16 year old guy and my best friend is a 16 year old girl, who I will be calling Tiffany.
I met Tiffany exactly a year ago in tenth grade, and we instantly clicked and became amazing friends. We would have late night conversations till 4 am, just talking about the most random subjects and asking each other silly questions in an effort to get to know each other better. I opened up to her like I never had opened up to anyone else. She knew every little embarrassing thing about me and vice versa. I was going through a rough time for a few months during that period, and she was always there for me. Likewise, she has chronic depression and whenever she was sad we’d talk and within some time she was usually laughing once more. She truly was the greatest friend I had ever had, and I cared for her very dearly. I would go as far to say that I loved her, that I would do almost anything for her.
Later on in the year, we tried to have a romantic relationship, although it fell flat and we decided to move on from it and continue to just be best friends (however, every once and a while we will have sex. I know she doesn’t care for me romantically, I’m 100% sure, and I know through common sense that a relationship with her would never work, so I have no interest in furthering that agenda).
Anyways, I want to say roughly a month or two ago I noticed a change in her behavior. When we would talk, whether in school or on the phone, she no longer seemed to care about what we were talking about. I would find myself often repeating things three or more times in order for her to finally hear it (again this is both in person and over the phone). Although she does have some attention issues, they seem to become extremely severe when she is around me and only me.
She also does a wide array of over things, which unfortunately I cannot summarize but I can give some examples (Note: these are all things that she previously did not do). Some examples are:
-Doesn’t like talking about any of my academic accomplishments, as it makes her feel idiotic (such as ACT or SAT exams)
-Has become much more distant. I don’t feel like I know what is going on in her life in the slightest.
-Talking on the phone (something we continue to do almost daily) has become like background noise, in that there is little attention paid to it and most of her attention is spent on doing whatever activity she feels. When we used to talk, she used to be extremely engaged.
-Adding on to the previous point, she has begun to play mobile games and even message other people when we are talking (mainly over the phone but sometimes in person).
-When I was sick this following week, I still had to go into school, however I could only walk pretty slowly, as my stomach was feeling awful. She was aware of this, and when we usually walk together from Math to History and then from History to lunch, she took off and instead of walking with me, walked at a slightly quicker pace to the point where we could not have conversation. This happened twice, and upon asking her why, she said that “she didn’t want to be late to class (even though I made it on time to both History and Lunch).”
-Prioritizes homework and sleep over our relationship (which isn’t necessarily bad, it’s just that when I really need to talk with her or want a serious conversation she’ll often respond negatively if she has other things to do. Even if she sticks around for it it’s clear that she doesn’t want to be there)
-We haven’t had a serious or heart to heart conversation in a long time. I’m not sure if she confides in anyone else or not.
-Previous times I have been really upset (have anxiety attacks every once and a while), she doesn’t seem comfortable or knowledgeable on how to comfort me (even though she used to in the past. Also, these are not frequent. I want to say I’ve had maybe one or two times from the beginning of September till end of December where I really was not doing well and wanted to talk to her.)
Overall, after a few weeks of the following happen I decided to confront her about it. I tried to make my position very clear, stating how I’m not mad or upset at her and all I want to do is mend our relationship because I feel it is beginning to fall apart. She became extremely defensive, and got mad at me. She basically said that I’m complaining about every little thing about her, and how that is really upsetting and aggravating. The conversation ended up going nowhere, and by the next day it was as if nothing had happened.
A few weeks later I tried to talk to her again. Again, I got the same results only this time she mentioned how she seems to be the only thing that makes me upset. Once again, by the next day there was no change.
Now I am writing this because I really do not know what to do. I can tell she still cares for me, although I feel as if all I am to her now is one of her casual friends, when to me she is still a major priority in my life and someone that I always have time for. I really need some guidance on what to do here, because I feel so trapped and helpless in this situation.
Please, any and all advice is welcome and heavily appreciated. And please be blunt with me. If I’m doing anything stupid or overreacting, let me know. If you believe she is completely toxic and I need to remove her from my life immediately, let me know. Regardless, I thank everyone who made it this far.
December 21, 2016 at 12:50 pm #180379
Well, when you try to go from friends to a romantic relationship a lot of times it can be very hard when things don’t work out. It’s hard to go back to your usual friendship, there are often a lot of underlying tensions and mixed feelings. You two should not have sex with each other. It is my thought that one you wanted a romantic relationship more than the other.
December 21, 2016 at 2:12 pm #180387
At 16 you guys are still very young. You will make many friends in your life time and you will also breakup with many,thats just how it goes.We also want different things in people at different stages of our lives so that is also why our friends change over the years. Dont forget your friend is a teenage girl and they are very dramatic and horrid at this age anyway. Its ounds like your friend is sadly pulling away from you and there is nothing you can do about this. You have already told her how you feel so thats it really. You should try to get interested doing other things and meet new people,say getting a small part time job or helping out in the neighbourhood or doing a course at your local community centre. I would just get busy with other things. At 16 things are very intense in relationships and Id say its made it a bit more difficult because you two took it further being intimate….as another poster said if you make that crossover it makes things very different. You will move on and meet more people,dont be stuck on just one person.Teenage girls are very unbalanced at the best of times due to maturity,hormones etc which is all pretty normal for your age bracket…..good luck in moving on.
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