Straight girls, how do you take it when a lesbian friend/BFF romantically likes/loves you?
- January 13, 2012 at 5:19 pm #2384
I recently talked to a lesbian friend of mine who was in love with her straight close friend and she confessed her feelings to the latter. My friend’s intention was only to confess her attraction but not to court the girl. The straight girl took it well, or so my friend thought. But my friend was surprised to know that the girl was feeling too awkward to hang out with her again although my friend didn’t court or made advances or harassed this girl, or chase after her like other male suitors would. Although, awkwardness is natural when one confesses feelings but like it was too hard for the straight girl to face my lesbian friend again. Was it because my friend is a lesbian,a girl as opposed to her usual admirers who were men?
I haven’t been courted by a lesbian before so I don’t think I can help my friend on this matter. I can only give theories. But I would like to ask those straight girls out there who experienced being the receiver of their lesbian/bisexual friend’s affection. What was your initial reaction when your lesbian/bisexual friend confessed her attraction to you? How do you feel? Did you feel betrayed or flattered? Is it normal to want to stay away from this lesbian/bisexual friend? Can’t you trust this lesbian/bisexual friend with your friendship again? Are you still friends with your lesbian/bisexual friends? In other words, I’d like to get the straight girl’s perspective who were the receiver of her lesbian/bisexual friend’s affection on how do you see this friend afterwards and how it affected your friendship.
- January 15, 2012 at 8:24 am #61253
It’s normal to stay away because it’s AWKWARD! I would feel uncomfortable with a man I was platonic friends with approaching me with romantic feelings. We’ll…it’s just plain…awkward. And if the friend is lesbian, even.more.awkward. If your lesbian friend wasn’t interested in a relationship or anything of that nature, why mention her attraction? Not a good move. If I were on the receiving end I would wonder if the lesbian friend has had or continues to have hidden romantic thoughts.
awkward. Uncomfortable. Uneasy
- May 4, 2015 at 2:11 am #152444
Personally I don’t see the problem.
I’m straight and my bestfriend told me she loves me and I’m still completely fine with her. I think anyone who leaves their so called bestfriend because of something like that is just self-centred and heartless. How do you think it makes them feel? Do you know how brave you have to be to tell someone you like them? It must feel awful to realise you like your bestfriend in that way, then you people go ahead and leave them?
Think about them before you act, there is no awkwardness between us so I don’t see why you should be worried 🙂RachelQuote
- January 15, 2012 at 12:54 pm #61256
thanks for your perspective.
My friend said she wasn’t really interested in a relationship with the straight friend for some other reason but thought she should be honest or owe her friend the truth because my friend wants an honest friendship. It would feel like a lie long term if she keeps it to herself. She was in the process of letting go of the feeling, never really pursued the straight girl or anything.
I do agree about the awkwardness though. I would feel really awkward myself. But do you think the friendship will survive after this? I mean, in your opinion, how can one restore friendship with all this awkwardness? What can my friend do?
- March 2, 2016 at 5:40 pm #166660
I don’t really believe it’s heartless, especially if they make extremely uncomfortable and if they are getting up too close and personal, what else can you do?… It’s not like you can just force yourself to have the same feelings, especially when you’re straight and you’re only interested in males… So, would it really look heartless, even when you know they may think you’re something more than friends?..LilyQuote
- March 3, 2016 at 6:45 am #166680
I think it depends on the friendship.If its an honest strong friendship then space can easily sort this out.If nothing has ever happened between the people then it is infatuation or obsession but not love.It took me a while to realise this.The woman i thought i was in love with i confessed to;by text…cowardly i know.I havnt heard from her for a couple of months now.We are both heading for 50 so its not a case of immaturity.I simply couldnt cope with the feel8ngs and it was making the friendship somewhat strained.I felt that since we had got so close it was easier to admit it and work on getting past it.I lost a few people in a few years without real resolution.Bereavment etc.And i have real trouble with being given silent treatment as again there is no resolution.I am very deeply hurt by this.I expected my friend to be a friend and let me have the time and space to work through it.But cutting me off is just plain hurtful.Im left feelinh like loving someone is wrong even though i know you cant choose who you love.It just happens.As it goes this silence has left me where im starting to hate her.I understand i made her feel awkward and that she was probably hurt too because she couldnt give me what i wanted.But there has to be a better way than complete cut off.For me it shows a person that is emotionally immature.Adults that care for each other talk about problems and set a plan in place to deal with it.My unrequited love is gone now.I feel nothing but grief.I am feeling very down on myself like i am some disgusting dyke.Im working through it.Straight women need to take responsibility for flirtation.Lesbians are not “safe” options.We have feelings.Much more deep and open than most men so it cuts much deeper.Love is beautiful regardless of where it comes from.It is not disgusting or immoral…it is just love.And it can be dealt with with time and space.distressedQuote
- January 15, 2012 at 2:43 pm #61257
and I think I would be concerned that by continuing to be friends with that person, whether they were same or opposite sex, I would feel like I might be leading them on and giving them false hope.
- January 15, 2012 at 7:56 pm #61267
I completely agree w/the previous posters with respect to the awkwardness about the situation after your lesbian friend divulged her romantic feelings to this friend. There are probably a ton of things that people feel they should be completely transparent about. But one also must consider the consequences if they elect to do this also. Usually in any kind of relationship, whether they be gay or straight I think when one party is going to the point of confessing feelings as such, is not just because we can then go around saying, “well, at least I was honest w/so and so.” It’s done I believe to probe the waters, and to see what kind of a reaction one will get from the person on the receiving end of it. In this case, the other person isn’t lesbian, so of course a continued friendship probably would be uncomfortable for someone in her shoes. This is why I’m of the belief that one thing is to be honest.
But if honesty then is somehow attached to exacting a reaction out of the other party, as in this case, well your lesbian friend yes, was very honest, but also w/possibly some expectations also. So it could be why the other friend could feel a friendship would be difficult to maintain, and people decide to distance themselves. Hope this makes sense and helps.
- January 16, 2012 at 12:41 am #61269
I think it will be hard, but if BOTH are willing to try it can work. It may even be an even better friendship. I believe in honesty, but also believe in an internal filtering system that helps determine what say out loud and keep to ourselves.
And if your friend was “letting go of the feeling” I don’t why she felt it was dishonest to stay quiet.
I also wonder how your lesbian friend developed feelings for a straight woman? Was the straight friend (as the other poster questioned might happen or be misinterpreted) leading your lesbian friend on? Or was your friend somewhere deep down there may be a slight chance w/the straight friend?
Just thinking…thanks for posting this thought provoking aspect of friendship woes that appears new here.
- January 16, 2012 at 12:47 am #61270
I posted below before reading your comment. I share your feelings and totally agree. Thanks for saying what I was trying to say so much better (& without errors & typos 🙂
- January 16, 2012 at 3:40 pm #61280
Thank you for your response.
No, my friend said she did it for herself and for their friendship. There was not any expectation at her end that her feelings will be reciprocated. She knows her friend is so straight but the feelings just came as a surprise to her as her straight friend was initially not really her type. She also respect her friend’s sexuality, you know being straight.
She said it was hard for her to carry on having those feelings as she felt she was being dishonest to her friend. They were so close. She felt if she carry on not telling her friend, eventually her friend is going to know it as it will become too hard to keep within herself, and her friend will feel more betrayed with the pretense. It’s better to know now than later, if you will.
My friend expects boundaries and changes in terms of closeness as a consequence from both of them, but it hurt her to know that her friend’s awkwardness towards her confession became too big for her to actually distance herself. She knows her friend as someone being open minded and gay friendly. She already know my friend was gay and accepted her.
- January 16, 2012 at 3:41 pm #61281
As a lesbian/bi I have decided not to confess to a friend and feel it was the right decision. She was a close friend and I could tell she wouldnt be able to handle it. A couple of other times I did tell. I guess I thought the person was mature enough to handle it. I think when you like someone, even with a different orientation, you can perceive a mutuality that might not be there. By confessing and finding out that the attraction is not there makes it easier to get over it and be able to be friends again. Otherwise you wonder. I believe we should be thoughtful and considerate before confessing, think about the person and if they are mature enough to handle it, or that they dont have hang ups that would make it akward for them. We also have to try to determine what we ourselves can handle in terms of reaction from our friend, etc. I have always appreciated being told when people are attracted to me. I value honesty that much. AT times, friendships were able to continue, others a break was needed but we could come back as friends, other times ways had to parted permanently. Your not yourself when you are holding something big inside in your relationship with another person. That can be hard for theperson with the feelings.
- January 16, 2012 at 3:45 pm #61282
Anonymous have you ever had a crush on someone who wasn’t availabe to you or didn’t return the feelings? We can’t help who we have feelings for, whether they are available or not.
- January 16, 2012 at 3:55 pm #61283
I am finding the comments from the straight women on this board a bit insensitive. Gay women in general tend to be very accepting and sensitive of others. To just dump a friend, at least a close one, because they are attracted to you, well of course the gay friend should be sensitive to your akwardness, but it’s not a huge thing that can’t be worked through. It’s not a betrayal or a breach of trust in friendship. It seems we can’t win sometimes. I have had straight women who I have not been attracted to who have felt weird around me when they know of my sexual orientation, and others who feel betrayed because I never told them. It’s a huge decision for us about what to tell or not tell, and having to hide our true selves most of the time, it is nice to not have to do taht with our close friends.
- January 16, 2012 at 3:57 pm #61285
As someone who is attracted to women I can totally relate to your friend and think what she did was appropriate and human. Many straight women can handle and work through this conflict in a friendship.
- January 16, 2012 at 4:04 pm #61286
I personally dont see this situation as a frienndship deal breaker. If anything, when someone has told me they are attracted to me I appreciate their honesty and I value friends who have character. If the gay friend wasnt able to get over it after some time, ok , maybe best to part ways, but your friend seems like she has good perspective that this person isnt her type anyway. That’s my humble opinion, I really don’t think it’s a big deal.
- January 16, 2012 at 4:18 pm #61289
It’s sad to reflect on the possibility that the friendship will be hard to restore after the confession. I can imagine that, too. But I also agree that if both of them are willing to work it out, it can.
I guess what my friend mean by being dishonest if she stayed quiet was the scenario where if you’re the straight girl and your were too confident with your closeness with your lesbian friend thinking there was no romantic interest from the latter. Then as the years gone by you learn that your lesbian friend had feelings for you after all, you will feel more betrayed than, say, knowing it earlier on, because if you will learn about it later , you look back on your closeness and it becomes tainted memories. She could imagine her straight friend will become more offended or will feel betrayed. That’s the kind of scenario my lesbian friend doesn’t want to happen.
I don’t think that her straight friend led her on but they were just so close. My friend tried not to put malice on their every interactions especially the physical aspects like a hug or a friendly kiss. She confessed without intentions of or hoping a chance with her straight friend. She respect the fact that the girl was straight but the feelings just becomes overwhelming for her to keep inside, she said. The dilemma was just too great , I guess.
My friend really cares for this friendship but recognizes that there will be changes. It saddens her but it hurt her that her friend became too awkward to even be friendly with her.
I mean, if it happens to you, would you rather want to know about it earlier on or just drag it on for many years thinking everything was platonic on your lesbian friend’s side?
- January 16, 2012 at 4:41 pm #61291
Thanks for your response. It’s nice to hear also from the perspective of someone who is gay as how it feels like to be the receiving end of the cold treatment from a straight friend after confessing attraction.
Although, personally, I would initially feel awkward should a lesbian or bisexual friend confesses attraction to me, I can’t imagine myself dumping my lesbian friend just because she confess to me. Like the previous reply said, I’d like it more if my friend is honest with me because I see it as her way of helping me how to deal with the situation (or vice versa) like maybe agreeing on some boundaries. Although, if a lesbian/bisexual friend is disrespectful of my own sexuality and would force or break the boundaries then perhaps I would rethink about the friendship.
I feel for my friend because it caused her great dilemma before she confessed it and now it’s causing her even greater pain dealing with the outcome. Although, I assured her to give the straight girl space perhaps to think about the situation and maybe she will come around. But I guess the gap has widened.
- January 16, 2012 at 4:44 pm #61292
After reading the original post, I understood from the facts given, that the straight girl in the picture knew that her friend was lesbian. My post was written with this perspective in mind. So, with all due respects, I’ve been on the receiving end of this, and can tell you, that after my friend shared those feelings with me, we thought we could still be friends. There was awkwardness at first, then I thought this issue had gone away. But about a few mos. later re-surfaced. So, no in my case I decided it was best to part ways. You’ve stated it’s a huge decision about what to tell/not tell, but again according to what the facts are about sounds like it really about divulging of feelings by the gay woman towards the straight woman.
- July 14, 2015 at 2:33 am #156114
I’m so glad I found this post,IV struggled with this situation for a very long time.I’m a lesbian and 23,I fell for a friend of mine who is older,straight and seeing someone but also has been with women in her past.So as time went on my feelings grew stronger and I realized I had fallen in love with her.After three years I finally decided to tell her I had feelings for her not in love because I didn’t wanna pressure her,but anyways we talked I told her and she said how she loved spending time with me and that she hoped she didn’t say anything that would have lead me on or give me false hope.She said she was flatter and that she wasn’t ganna change the way she acted towards me but if it made it worse then she would,but like I said she said she loves my family,my company, that we always laugh and have a good time and that she would love to spend more time with me but she said it could be dangerous given the sexual tension between us.Now I knew it was there but never said anything…if she didn’t have some kind of feelings there too why would she have said that.She also said because of how her life is right know she couldn’t handle that kind of relationship given the small down we live in,gossip that could be spread and her family and job.But since then we have gotten closer as friends and have regular movie nights but IV noticed how sever the sexual tension is,I mean I do everything I can not to jump her bones and part of me feels she notices it too because she gets quite. So what I wanna know is what do you guys think on the matter….I truly believe she is the one,I love her unconditionally and I don’t wanna lose her or our friendship bit I feel I should truley come out and tell her the depths of how I feel. Please let me know what you all think.JessicaQuote
- January 16, 2012 at 4:56 pm #61294
I guess what came as a surprise to my friend was the reaction of her straight friend, you know the cold treatment as this friend of hers was supposed to be gay friendly, knows my friend was lesbian and was even supportive of my friend. My friend thought that although there will be initial awkwardness but she didn’t expect it would reach to a point of cold treatment from her straight friend.
I think you’re right that one cannot be easily oneself if she’s holding something big inside. It’s exactly what drove my friend to confess because it was just too much for her to handle. She just have to let it out thinking that her straight friend was mature enough to handle it.
- January 16, 2012 at 5:03 pm #61295
I would treat it the same way as a man confessing he liked me. If i had a female friend who already knew she was a lesbian when she met me then i would be friends with her knowing she is a lesbian. Thats fine. if over time she told me she liked me- I would treat it the same way a male friend confessing he liked me. You talk about it and if its not awkward you carry on being friends. If it does become difficult for both parties then its best to part ways. It wouldnt be a case of my friend being female or not.
- January 16, 2012 at 5:11 pm #61296
That’s too bad for your friend. She is fortunate to have a friend like you who cares how she feels. It hurts to be distanced from people because of who you love when you are respectful to the other person.
I agree with you that friendship is about helping one another through hardships. Again, it’s good for her to have a friend like you.
- January 16, 2012 at 5:19 pm #61297
It was good for you to give the friendship a chance -something the straight friend being talked about cannot seem to be big enough to do. Sometimes it works out sometimes it doesn’t. Mostly gay women don’t fall for straight women so hopefully this board wont cause straight women to fear that from their gay friends.
- January 16, 2012 at 5:32 pm #61298
I agree with your perspective that the friendship could be considered something of a lie had the gay friend not fessed up about her feelings. I would have felt betrayed findingout years later. The one friend I didn’t tell truly wouldn’t have been a blessed to handle it.
- January 16, 2012 at 5:45 pm #61299
I originally intend to write this board to collect perspectives from straight girls who were the receiving end of their lesbian/bisexual friend’s affection and how they handled it and how it affected their friendship afterwards. But I also welcome lesbians/bisexual themselves with their own counter-perspective, if you will, to understand this situation better.
My friend was at lost actually on her straight friend’s reaction and was worried that she permanently lost their friendship as the result of her confession.
No, I hope this won’t cause fear on straight women towards their gay friends at all, because this board is actually asking for perspectives only. If anything, I think this would help gay and straight women alike how to handle situations like this by being able to understand different perspectives coming from both gay and straight people.
- January 16, 2012 at 5:51 pm #61300
It’s the only way I can help her, to have outside or independent opinion or perspective about her situation. I can only guess or give theories about the situation, but I think it’s better if it comes from someone else’s perspective also.
- April 19, 2014 at 8:49 pm #140976
I had a friend in high school confess she liked me for six years. I knew about her sexual orientation and accepted it though she didn’t tell me. She didn’t have to. It was a shock to find out she liked me that way and for as long as we were friends. I never felt we were particularly close and because of some other factors I ended our association. Now after years I have helped her out by giving her a place to stay. We have mended our friendship, but we’re almost right back where we started. I’m at a loss.
- January 16, 2012 at 6:04 pm #61301
I didn’t post anything to your original comment or question, but am glad to see you got a lot of feedback. That will help you help your friend. I will offer my own experience, though it isn’t specifically about lesbians. I am a straight female who became friends with a man at work. He and I talked a lot because we are both talkers. But he had no interest in me romantically at all. That was just very clear to me. Unfortunately I developed a real crush on him. Which made it kind of hard to be around him. He and I were such platonic friends that he eagerly showed me the engagement ring he bought her. So you see, there was no flirting at all. And I’m not a flirty type, so I assure you I didn’t let on how I felt. But … I came to a point where I thought I would proclaim my feelings, just in case he might reciprocate. I thought, “You’ll never know till you try.” Well, I decided ultimately I would rather have him in my life as a friend than risk losing his friendship. And I just knew if I told him how I felt, he’d have to dissolve the friendship. So .,.. I never told him, he never knew. And you know what? I got over it. I could be around him. So I am grateful I never opened my mouth.
- January 16, 2012 at 6:37 pm #61303
- January 16, 2012 at 6:45 pm #61305
It sounds like you weighed your decision carefully -as did the original poster. Given the gay woman’s particulars maybe she would have been better off not telling or maybe it’s better she did. I would be upset not being told in her scenario but not your situation -he obviously got a lot from your support.
- January 16, 2012 at 9:12 pm #61309
I didnt mean to make it sound like it’s not good that we had discussion here. YOu are a catalyst for deep thought around an important issue and it’s good you brought it up!
- January 17, 2012 at 1:57 am #61320
You may not be bothered but others would. I for one would find it awkward from a man or a woman whom I wasn’t interested it. I think it has little to do with maturity.
- January 17, 2012 at 3:00 am #61321
You couldn’t handle if a close friend disclosed they had feelings for you?
- January 17, 2012 at 3:01 am #61322
So you would dumpthe friend?
- January 17, 2012 at 3:57 pm #61332
… tend to be very accepting and sensitive of others”
Let’s kill that myth right now. I’ve known plenty of gay women and they aren’t any more accepting or sensitive than anyone else. Some are nice, some are very nasty and judgemental. I’ve known two lesbian couples where one partner was abusive.
Sexual orientation doesn’t exempt a person from the usual human flaws.
- January 18, 2012 at 12:07 am #61342
That’s true, we are all of different size, shape, color and character. Thanks for correcting me and pointing that out.
- January 20, 2012 at 7:34 am #61451
Yes possibly…why would I, a grown MATURE woman put myself in an uncomfortable situation? Just as the gay friend had the need to express herself and be true to her feelings, I would equally have right to honestly express my feelings.
perhaps the lesbian friend was being immature, and insensitive with her uncontrollable need to say what was on her mind. Grown mature people use a filtering system and know better than to express every thought or feeling that pops into their minds. Grow ups understand there are consequences to their behavior. Mature people would know that this type of “honest” expression would make a friend feel uncomfortable. But none of that mattered because one person didn’t consider her straight friend’s feelings. No, it was more important for her to say what she needed?…no WANTED to say.
Who was really the insensitive and immature one?
And that’s HONEST because I, like the poster’s friend, couldn’t control my tongue.
- January 20, 2012 at 7:42 am #61452
My comment above reflects my opinion to calling the heterosexual immature and to the poster who called my response insensitive.
honestly IDK if i would want to handle it. And that’s a choice I would make based on numerous other factors.
- January 20, 2012 at 7:53 am #61453
We make choices about who choose to love and with whom we choose to express love.
- January 20, 2012 at 12:38 pm #61455
This conversation is s about who we have feelings for, and what to do with them. The former we don’t choose.
- January 20, 2012 at 12:54 pm #61456
It seemed to me that this poster spoke about the great lengths her friend went to to consider the friendship and that she didn’t uncontrollably blurt whatever she felt out. Still look at the most healthy relationships and you will find occasional 5 year old behavior. Isn’t it immature to just walk away from someone you claim to care about rather than recognize that as adults we will have to face and work through uncomfortable situations? I wonder why with the plethora of posts that point to the maturity and concern for honesty in the friendship you jumped to blurting. Isn’t jumping to co inclusions in that context and walking away because u feel uncomfortable as ill co sidered response as blurting anyway? Excuse the poor grammar, etc here as I am on my phone!
- January 20, 2012 at 1:01 pm #61457
Yes but this conversation is about feelings that we don’t choose and what we decide to do with them. The subject of this board did not choose and would have preferred her feelings for her friend to remain platonic.
- January 20, 2012 at 1:57 pm #61458
On what planet?
- January 20, 2012 at 2:34 pm #61459
I thank you for sharing your perspective and I respect your point of view. However, in defense of my friend, when she divulged her feelings it was an not an impulsive act of someone who is immature, like how you try to insinuate her actions were. She’s one of the most matured, sensitive, and level minded woman I know.
She spent a great amount of time making that decision and it wasn’t easy for her. She felt their friendship is a lie should it had been dragged for on for years instead of now. (I personally agree with this). My friend have expected there will changes in their closeness and/or of their friendship, the awkwardness, but definitely not the cold treatment which she doesn’t deserve. As the other people have said, you don’t dump someone just because they divulged feelings for you. That’s just too extreme. In my opinion, this becomes the issue and a reflection of the dumper’s character than of my friend’s.
Honesty doesn’t guarantee anyone comfortableness. In fact, it’s a virtue that can make anyone uncomfortable because it tests the receiver’s character on how she or he handles the truth. In my opinion, honesty is a virtue that can test one’s maturity.
The straight friend as my friend knows her as someone who can handle stuff like this and was gay friendly as she knows my friend was lesbian. I guess my friend was wrong after all, and this hurts her a lot.
- January 21, 2012 at 12:22 am #61463
I know, on what planet, or is she talking about robots? Couldn’t be talking about human beings.
- January 21, 2012 at 1:55 am #61464
Wow, so “mature” people use a filtering system, know better than to act on their feelings, etc., etc. I guess that leaves out many of our politicians. And … let’s see, famous coaches at famous Pennyslvania universities … and priests and the hierarchy in the Catholic Church … and Ted Haggard and the like … who am Ieaving out? I’m sorry, but I can’t stop laughing.
- January 21, 2012 at 3:33 am #61466
my apologies regarding the way i came across. i can see your friend considering the big picture. my comment was less about your original post than it was about the poster who suggested that a straight person who chooses to end a friendship based on what you described is immature and insensitive. i disagree the straight friend’s reaction was necessarily either.
I still firmly that adults should filter and weigh situations and the reactions that their behavior may cause. Maybe your friend weighed things heavily and made the decision to divulge her feelings; just as her friend may have weighed your friends words and made a decision about continuing/discontinuing the friendship. Neither of their responses need to be labelled immature nor insensitive.
Again my apologies the way my response read. But I found that poster’s response insulting & one-sided. By using that same poster’s weak, belittling label your friend could have also been defined using the same terms.
- January 21, 2012 at 3:38 am #61467
I find it laughable that these are the role models you use to govern, label or define sensitive or mature behavior. HeeHee….i use a completely different moral compass 🙂
- January 21, 2012 at 4:00 am #61468
You are right that honesty is a virtue that tests one’s character.
I think the presumption that many here seem to be making is the “dumper’s” honesty to herself makes her immature & insensitive. It seems the underlying thought is she wasn’t strong enough to handle it.
It’s sad your friend is receiving the cold treatment. But should her friend be dishonest about how she is feeling? She, too, may have given things lots of thought. It takes strength of character on her part as well to honor what she is feeling.
Maybe it’s the way she is going about that is problematic. But I don’t think your friend’s honesty/feeling are more/less valuable than her friends. I don’t think she’s any less “gay friendly.” (another assumption)
IDK…but based on what I’ve understood your post to say is that she’s uncomfortable with a friend who ishe isn’t interested romantically being around a friend who in fact has/had romantic feelings toward her. As I and other posters have stated…the feeling would be the same with a heterosexual, male friend.
- January 21, 2012 at 4:14 am #61469
U totally totally missed the point, didn’t get it at all.
- January 21, 2012 at 4:36 am #61470
did i? please explain…
I read it as a sarcastic remark that suggested the supposed “moral” figures you listed didn’t use the filtering system of “mature” adults? hence my comment was flawed.
did i misunderstand?
- January 21, 2012 at 12:48 pm #61474
First of all, the friend was not labelled immature or insensitive
For lack of being able to quote but having written the post it stated that some people might not be mature enough to handle a confession and that the confessor should weigh that factor before disclosure. As for the insensitive comment that was a response to several posts that said they would end the friendship. So then even though the poster said, not in exact words, but in using words like her friend received cold treatment, is in essence saying she believed confessee was insensitive, several times but that’s somehow not offensive. Yet you very liberally belittle and label people who blurt and express disapproval for confession when you did the same by calling people who blurt immature. How do you know that such a person is not maybe understanding to a fault, things built up and they didn’t have a minute of immature conversation -which if someone told me I was being such would be honest.
- January 21, 2012 at 5:18 pm #61481
A Bit Insensitive re: Gay friend
On January 16th, 2012 Anonymous said:
“I am finding the comments from the straight women on this board a bit insensitive. Gay women in general tend to be very accepting and sensitive of others. To just dump a friend, at least a close one, because they are attracted to you, well of course the gay friend should be sensitive to your akwardness, but it’s not a huge thing that can’t be worked through. “
I have said & continue to say it’s not NECESSARILY insensitive for the straight friend to end the friendship. Again maybe her “cold treatment” is at the root of the problem. Maybe she could have expressed he concerns/feelings better.
But it seems SOME comments are assuming that the straight friend was insensitive in her decision. I think it is unfair to assume. She could have been sensitive in many ways—not wanting to lead the friend on; not wanting to lie about where they were in the friendship b/c of the revelation by the gay friend…the scenarios as to why she distanced herself could be many….most of us commenting don’t really know
The original poster said:
“my friend said she did it for herself and for their friendship…”
“…It’s exactly what drove my friend to confess because it was just too much for her to handle. She just have to let it out thinking that her straight friend was mature enough to handle it.”
There is a possibility that the friend who divulged her feelings was most concerned about herself and bottling up those hidden feelings. I’m not judging that to be right or wrong. But it is a possibility. The other friend in her decision to give the friendship distance may be acting on the same premise. Only her expression may not be verbal.
When the straight friend responded the way she did, I think the implication here is that she wasn’t “mature enough to handle it.”
I don’t think this is NECESSARILY an issue of maturity.
My whole point is there are many factors that contributed to the straight’s person’s decision. . And none have to be about her being less “gay friendly.” It IS a human issue for her as well. And she has the same right to self-expression in the friendship. Let’s not assume or label her when don’t know all the dynamics. I felt that the straight friend was being unfairly judged. It was never about minimizing the pain of the original poster’s friend’s loss.
- January 21, 2012 at 5:19 pm #61482
i don’t think so
- January 21, 2012 at 5:27 pm #61483
MY OPINION: i don’t believe humans (in most cases) just randomly fall in love. love requires nurture, time and affort. we choose to do these things.
if you are referring to a stranger for whom we simply feel a physical attraction, i agree its pretty uncontrollable.
but in situations where we knowingly choose to hang out and spend time with an unavailable person, we make the choice to be vulnerable and get attached.
only my opinion
- January 21, 2012 at 5:34 pm #61484
fer sure, you did
- January 21, 2012 at 5:39 pm #61485
MY OPINION: i don’t believe humans (in most cases) just randomly fall in love. love requires nurture, time and affort. we choose to do these things.
if you are referring to a stranger for whom we simply feel a physical attraction, i agree its pretty uncontrollable.
but in situations where we knowingly choose to hang out and spend time with an unavailable person, we make the choice to be vulnerable and get attached.
only my opinion
- January 21, 2012 at 5:42 pm #61486
- January 31, 2012 at 11:22 pm #61796
I’m not sure it matters per se about gender in this scenario.
I’ve had straight males (and I’m a straight female) express romantic interest in me before, I did not feel that way about them, and it was still awkward in a heterosexual situation.
I also had a lesbian at one job I worked at who seemed to have a crush on me, I didn’t feel that way about her, and I let her know. When I told her I did not have feelings for her, she took it well.EagleWingsQuote
- February 1, 2012 at 8:00 am #61826
I think straight person’s honesty must be the fact that she wasn’t interested in the gay person’s revelation about her feelings, regardless of the fact that the gay woman says she wasn’t going to court her. I at least find this honest on the straight person’s part. I really feel also, that by the gay woman saying this to her, she was actually probing the straight woman to see whether she’d bite the bait.
- February 1, 2012 at 11:26 am #61833
So you don’t believe the poster’s friend who gave the real reasons why the friend confessed? Even if she was unconsciously baiting isn’t that what people do when they like someone and healthy behavior? Are you saying that the friend who disclosed deserves cold treatment and that is honesty? It seems discloser friend would even understand a need to distance. Perhaps the cold treatment is being honest that the friend can’t respect continue the friendship, but I think the fact that a friendship existed deserves acknowledgment in the form of confessor being told the why about the distance and the opportuniy to discuss. I think it’s sad when people treat others this way.
- February 2, 2012 at 4:27 am #61873
No one owes an explanation as to why they make the choices they do. If the friend really wants to know the reason for the distance, ASK. If she receives the cold shoulder, it is clear the friend no longer wants the friendship. Sometimes Americans (and I am American) are overly consumed w/directness. Indirectness has value. And in this case the straight friend’s behavior is indirect yet completely clear: She no longer wants to be close friends.
- February 2, 2012 at 10:06 am #61877
I stronglly disagree. Absolutely sometimes people owe an explanation for the choices they make, especially when they affect the other person who is being hurt by the action.There are no duties in friendship? If I lend a friend money, isn’t it their duty to pay me back what they owe me? To me, there are certain values inherent in friendship, and even more superficial connections, in which parties should be able to expect a certain level of consideration, and sometimes that involves explanation for the choices they make. Maybe that is why many people say “I owe you an apology”, they know they have done something wrong that takes away from the dignity and respect another person deserves, and an apology or explanation returns that dignity to them. It is an act of justice.Twelve step programs even encourage seeking people out to make such apologies.The whole restorative justice approach, which when applied has been shown to be the best method to create healthy communities, encourages dialogue, because when you get to know another person, you can forgive and move on.Sure, as we have determined, and I have people in my life who have exhausted the right to explanation from me for the choices I make concerning them, as have many people on this board who have been deeply hurt by others, in the context of which we are speaking, a close friend of a gay woman gave her friend the cold shoulder with no explanation when the friend was doing the best she could to maintain the friendship and bring authenticity and honesty to it. The bond, and the friend’s good will, which the poster is convinced she had knowing her friend who is receiving the treatment, certainly should cause us to raise eyebrows if the straight friend ends up saying she owes no explanation for the choices she makes, because they are actions that affect her friend. If I am late for a get together with my friend, naturally I would explain why because I know my friend invested in me to see me and get there at agreed time. A choice I made might have something to do with it, and my friend deserves to know that, due to the values inherent in friendship. I think Americans are much more guilty of this selfishness that makes them think that they have no responsibility to others for the choices they make than being too direct.
The friend’s behavior IS completely clear, and she is making it clear that she has no regard for the other friend due to the fact that she is not explaining her choice. The poster and the dumped friend are trying to give the cold woman the benefit of the doubt by imagining good reasons why, but the straight woman is giving no consideration of the need to not be dishonestly assessed and to just be given the cold shoulder when she wasn’t treated badly.
- February 2, 2012 at 10:11 am #61881
In this case the indirectness is competely clear but hurtful and undeserved by the gay friend. Here, no explanation is not valuable at all, it is hurtful.
- February 2, 2012 at 12:19 pm #61887
Ok, I’ll give you that we have SOME control over our feelings. But there are many instances where friendship closeness or other instances of knowing someone result in feelings that a person doesn’t ask for and present challenges to a relationship. A person cannot instantly change these feelings, even if they don’t want them. It depends on the situation how they handle it. Do you deny this is true?
- February 4, 2012 at 2:04 am #61945
I find it laughable to think referring to politicians has anything to do with our conversation.
- February 4, 2012 at 7:28 am #61950
politicos, preachers, coaches, etc., are presumed by most to be in general mature adults…
- February 4, 2012 at 2:27 pm #61954
I see, you were trying to make the point that we all have our flaws in communication at times, even those who are leadership in society.
- February 4, 2012 at 2:34 pm #61955
The point I am trying to make is that maturity has to do with what you do with the akwardness. Of course the akwardness, or any feeling a person has, would be natural. It’s what we do with that akwardness or those feelings that I used the word maturity for. Even telling a friend “I am feeling akward and can’t handle this right now” and offer a negotiation about how to relate moving forward is typically what mature adults do. Not giving someone the cold shoulder or stopping communication entirely, but having a conversation. At least in this case where there was a true friendship and the conflict arose from one friend doing something that made the other uncomfortable, but not to hurt the other person, or something from bad character such as lying,betraying or you know what I mean, but is generally a good person and friend.
- February 4, 2012 at 5:12 pm #61958
My bad that I didn’t make my point clearly. Wuz responding to the premise stated earlier that “Grown mature people use a filtering system and know better than to express every thought or feeling that pops into their minds. Grow ups understand there are consequences to their behavior.” Wuz thinking that many in our society we presume are grown up and mature, like people we vote for, or whose churches we attend, or whose teams we cheer for, have turned out to be hugely flawed. While we all know that politicos, preachers, and coaches have flaws, we presume they aren’t going to behave as bad as the train wrecks have, the ones we hear about in the news. Point trying to make was that being grown up and mature doesn’t often mean people behave grown up and maturely.
- February 5, 2012 at 6:55 pm #61984
I agree that this would be ideal, and I now see your point. I think many “mature” people are not yet this evolved or acting as their “higher self.”
It’s difficult to behave in this ideal way but in my opinion, too, it would be the best approach. However, as humans, we are flawed. We have a multitude of issues and insecurities that prevent us from behaving the way would like to ideally.
Thanks for elaborating.
- February 5, 2012 at 6:59 pm #61985
My response was to the poster who cited them as examples.
- February 5, 2012 at 7:03 pm #61986
Yes it’s hurtful, but it’s life. Things happen and how we deal with pain is our choice. We can let us strengthen us or we can do otherwise. It’s not that I don’t sympathize but in life, we experience pain. It’s the risk we take when we make ourselves vulnerable in relationships.
- February 5, 2012 at 7:04 pm #61987
See my “my bad” comment in this thread. Tried to explain what I meant. Didn’t mean that I personally admire politcos, preachers, and coaches and think they are models for maturity. I think I’ll just give up on what I was trying to say. I just can’t get my words right. But rest assured, I was not holding up those kinds of people as mature. I was trying to say society presumes they are somewhat mature. Anyway, my bad for trying to say something and not doing it too clearly.
- February 5, 2012 at 7:15 pm #61990
I didn’t read your post in its entirety but I think there is a huge difference between owing money, owing an apology and what the conversation here is about. Owing money often involves a promise to repay. “Owing an apology” is often the result of recognizing and admitting your wrong. Here we are talking about one friend’s choice to distance herself from another friend whose revelation made her uncomfortable. She is not necessarily a villain or horrible person because of that choice. Who knows where she is in her spiritual walk or evolving into her “ideal self” but maybe she is doing the best she can right now regarding this matter. In my opinion, she owes nothing (nor do any of us unless we are convicted & feel so). Who knows? She may come back later and apologize…
- February 5, 2012 at 7:17 pm #61991
I don’t deny this is true. We agree here 🙂
- February 5, 2012 at 7:53 pm #61994
Thank you so much, what is it that some people don’t get about this! I too believe many people have become consumed by directness. I remember a day when it was called “taking a hint.” Indirectness has value!
- February 5, 2012 at 8:17 pm #61997
That’s true -it is difficult to act in higher self, even for those of us who are conscious, reflective and self critical. Maybe she’ll come around-sometimes a person needs a little time to process …..
- February 5, 2012 at 8:25 pm #61998
Well at least you admit it was hurtful. Yeah the hurt person will have to accept it but it would be nice if we could have more confidence in people who we think we know as having some care for us.
- February 5, 2012 at 9:16 pm #62000
That happens to me too sometimes!
- February 5, 2012 at 10:11 pm #62002
It happens to me sometimes too 🙂
- February 7, 2012 at 12:55 pm #62071
It probably would be a good idea to read posts in their entirety, as when we don’t we read things out of context, and really don’t know what the other person is trying to say. It points to not wanting to listen to what the other person has to say, I think. It certainly leaves a person attempting communication feeling that the listener doesn’t really care what they have to say. Why comment to something where you haven’t completely considered the points the person speaking is making?
Not paying a friend money back would hardly be characterized a crime by most people (even though a person could be taken to court over this, most balanced people wouldnt take a friend to court say over a few hundred dollars even if it’s a “hit” for them, painful to not get that money back), more a neglect of a friendship where there should be an assumption that, except under mitigating circumstances, the duties of consideration would apply.
We do too, absolutely sometimes owe our friends explanations for the choices we make. We don’t live in a box but as a community. If our actions affect another person or are clearly a wrong or inconsiderate thing to do we do owe something. The majority of hurt women on this board are so due to being dumped without explanation. Saying, with the excpetion of those who treated them very badly, that they don’t deserve or are owed an explanation is I think, an inaccurate statement.
Yes, sometimes we are not our higher self because we can’t be. But sometimes we can use that as an excuse to not take action in areas where we really can and should. There are also degrees of not being one’s higher self, from being very evolved, to base. It’s understandable if this woman feels akward, but hopefully she’ll come around after a month or two. If not, the dumped friend, though she will have to accept it, would be right to question what kind of friend and person she really was.
- February 7, 2012 at 12:57 pm #62072
Maybe the poster doesn’t believe she owes someone speaking to her the consideration of reading a post in entirety the way she feels she doesn’t owe an explanation to friends for choices she makes that affect them. So, maybe she isn’t a very good friend.
- February 7, 2012 at 1:03 pm #62073
I don’t think the person who was expressing a responsiblity to owe an explanation to her friend was saying that the akward friend is a villain. The friend who said her feelings just assumed that due to the level of the bond she had with her friend that she expressed feelings for, that she wouldn’t have been treated so coldly. That’s all.
- February 7, 2012 at 1:39 pm #62075
You weren’t talked to me, but may I offer a comment about this. I think it’s very hard to read each post in its entirety. It’s because of the layout of the blog, which isn’t Irene’s fault. There aren’t always paragraph “breaks,” which makes it very tedious to read long postings. Also, the order in which people comment to one another seems a little off and it’s very hard to see the sequence of comments. Then some comments are boxed and others are not. Some comments show up in a very long skinny column with only two or three words. It just gets overwhelming. Plus hard to keep all the details straight. I don’t think we all need to become typesetters to post here. I think it’s just the faulty layout of this particular blog designer. Again, not Irene’s fault.
- February 7, 2012 at 2:19 pm #62076
The woman who decided to discuss particular points of someone’s post was the one being encouraged to read in entirety. Why comment on something someone says if you haven’t taken the time to fully understand ? This woman only a little did this bot others do it to a point of putting inaccurate words in people’s mouths and ammaking assumptions that are unfair to a poster being read. That’s all.
- February 8, 2012 at 1:54 am #62098
I skimmed the entire post but I didn’t read it in it’s entirety (as I normally do) for a couple of reasons:
1. Like another poster mentioned, the formatting without any breaks was hard on the eye.
2. The initial premise/analogy was off. So I skimmed what I assume were supporting details.
I prefaced my post by acknowledging I didn’t read it all in case I missed something by skimming to the end. But my comments addressed a specific portion of that posters comment and that I thought was clear.
- February 8, 2012 at 2:15 am #62099
She’s an honest friend as well! So unlike the straight friend who is unfortunately being made out to be uncaring and unfeeling, she (I mean “I”) continue to offer honest communication even when the recipient doesn’t always like it. I am in fact a very sensitive and caring friend and person who is often much too concerned about how my behavior (or anything I do) affects others.
When it comes down to it, I know no one “owes” me anything in this life. It just so happens, I am immeasurably blessed and often surprised at the generosity of others (and not just friends). My friends freely give to me and I give back; and I always try to pay it forward. When a friend disappoints me or can’t meet a need, I understand no one will be there ALL the time and they don’t have to be. As much as it hurts, that’s life. And I want feel it all (including hurt and disappointment) and grow through it!
So think what you like. I’ll be busy offering honest advice from a loving heart instead of name calling.
- February 12, 2012 at 6:02 am #62268
I have difficulty being friend’s with guys who are attracted to me, and its the same when another woman is attracted to me. I don’t know why – it just feels weird. I don’t like being around someone when I know that they’re thinking of me so much differently than I am of them. Actually, when I was in high school, my best friend, who I knew was gay, told me she was attracted to me, and I made an effort to stay friends with her because she was my best friend, but things were still weird. Maybe her friend has the same sort of issue I have.
- February 12, 2012 at 6:16 am #62271
I feel just the same way. i thought everyone else did, too. It’s not comfortable, makes it so hard to relax.
- February 13, 2012 at 4:29 am #62315
This is a really interesting piece and something that I can relate to because of something similar I did recently.
I’ve had a friend for nearly 10 years. We were very close and I loved her very much – not in a selfish way but more in a way where I wanted to be a source of support and a good friend. This happened when I was very young, so maybe this was just my way of channeling my stronger feelings. I really genuinely liked her and these feelings grew stronger over time.
We remained close and spoke frequently, but as the years passed by I began to come to terms with the feelings I was developing and didn’t know what to do. I tried to tell her once, but I knew she wasnt ready to hear it (though I think she suspected) so I decided to just be a good friend and keep them to myself.
As the years went by, my feelings were in tact because we remained good friends. Finally as I grew older I realized I needed to let go but I didn’t know how to distance myself without giving some sort of explanation.
i decided to stay friends and geographically distance myself so I could meet other people to get over it. This was easy. I met several people but did not feel emotionally close to any of them, not as much as i did to my friend.
I decided to start going to therapy after several years and during my sessions I realized that the only option left was to just tell her. I had considered the consequences a thousand times and had always decided that i really wanted to avoid this (which is why i never said anything earlier). It made it hard to get over her though because in all this time she was single too.
She was also the first person i had ever genuinely loved – i never expected the first person i would fall in love with to be a woman… so in some ways it was a bit unsettling.
Anyhow, ten years later, I decided I needed to do something. I finally worked up the courage to tell her that i needed some space. She seemed confused so i told her why. She said she still wanted to be friends.
Several months have gone by and I constantly find myself confused as to whether or not i did the right thing. Just considering how long it’s taken me to get to this point, i don’t think i would have ever let go of her completely without telling her unless she found someone else which she hasn’t.
I feel sad that she might think the time we spent together was tainted, i didn’t consciously ever think this but did always value and enjoyed my time with her. I felt like we were family almost.
In any case, now that i’ve told her i feel very awkward. She didnt seem too surprised, but I am sure she feels awkward too, who wouldn’t be.
She has been very nice about everything, but there is definitely a distance. On my end, I want to be friends, but I want to (1) be sure to not make her feel uncomfortable at all, and (2) also be fair to myself and free up my emotions for someone who can reciprocate them and (3) just be real and comfortable. It’s hard to feel like yourself when you realize your feelings about a relationshp are not mutual.
I do know I’d really like to get rid of my feelings, but I’m not sure how to do this before meeting someone else or letting go of our friendship. I definitely think telling her has really helped though.
I feel like telling her, especially now, was not very fair to her and for this I genuinely feel very sorry. But I do know I needed to say something at some point for me – selfish, but I think necessary.
I hope things will work out and we will and can remain good friends. If any of you have any advice on how to do this genuinely from my end I’d love to hear it. I will also keep you posted.
- February 13, 2012 at 12:51 pm #62321
It’s nice to hear from someone who have gone through the same way my friend did. The feelings, dilemma, the confusion, the second guessing, it’s similar to what my friend was feeling at the time she made the decision and she still does especially that her friend was giving her the cold treatment.
Personally, it may seem selfish to others on how my friend needed to divulge her feelings to her straight friend, but I guess if one should put her shoes on the other, one would understand it’s really hard to hide or keep your feelings especially if it’s towards someone you’re so close with. To divulge is really like the solution of it all. Even in your therapy, as you said, that to tell her was THE solution. For this, I can’t really blame my friend. It wasn’t easy for her as I’m sure it wasn’t easy for you as well.
I hope that you’re still good friends with your best friend. I know there will be a lot of changes especially when people involved can’t handle the awkwardness very well. It could be a deal breaker in your friendship, but I hope she’ll be understanding enough and continue on with the friendship. But I guess things wouldn’t be the same. Good luck.
Do you still communicate with your friends after you told her?
- February 13, 2012 at 10:43 pm #62334
Yes, we’ve communicated a few times since. My friend was very understanding but it took a long time and I gave her a lot of space and even asked for some myself. I think this helped.
Another thing that might help your friend is to mentally be okay with the distance and understand why her friend might be distant.
I was prepared for the worst when I told my friend how I felt – to let our friendship go in case it was too awkward for her. I knew my feelings were genuine and had accepted them for what they were. But I also knew that she might have difficulty accepting how I felt about her. I was actually surprised that she said she still wanted to be friends. It made me feel valued but was unexpected.
Even though my friend said she wanted to remain friends initially and event hough we’ve communicated since, I feel like I need to understand that her feelings might change with the increased distance between us. What helps me be at peace with all this is trying to understand what it must be like to be in her shoes too – having someone care so much for you when you don’t feel the same is awkward, and is also a lot of pressure. One might feel guilty for not caring as much about the other person or like they have to constantly be conscious of what they’re doing and saying so as not to imply that they like the other person in a deeper way. This is a lot of work and particularly difficult in female friendships I think. If my friend felt pressured or awkward, it would be completely normal regardless of my gender and it is understandable that she would need space or not be as comfortable around me.
On my end, if she never wants to resume or continue our friendship, even after she said she wanted to, it would hurt initially but ultimately I think I would be okay with this because I really have no desire to make her feel uncomfortable and work at a friendship that might have run its course. It’s sort of like that saying about how if you love someone, you should let them go and if they don’t come back they were never yours in the first place.Plus I want her to be happy and I want to also be happy.
After or while coming to terms with her distance, I think it might also help your friend and her friendship to focus on herself.
In my case, because I felt so deeply about my friend, telling her and verbalizing my feelings really allowed me to confront own my feelings and own them. Before this my thoughts about my feelings were centered around how she might feel about me. Now that I know she doesnt feel the same way for sure (since I told her), I can focus on getting over my feelings on my own. How I feel is now exclusively MY issue (not hers) and for our friendship to work, I’ve got to make active efforts to meet other people who can reciprocate my feelings. I’ve got to invest my time in myself and other people.
Like you said, our friendship will be different now that she knows and that I know how she feels. I already feel myself wanting to be less conscious about always communicating or being there for her, but I think this distance is healthy and necessary to preserve our friendship. We may not communicate as frequently but I think or at least hope she knows that if she ever needs anything, I will always be there for her even though I am not making as much of an effort to keep in touch as consistently. I am also always open to when she communicates and make an active effort not to interpret it as anything more than her being a good friend.
Over time, hopefully my feelings will dissipate and we can continue a normal friendship once again. I hope the same for your friend as well!
- February 15, 2012 at 8:07 am #62372
I hope so too that my friend would be able to learn to let go of her friendship with her friend when the time comes it’s becomes clear to being the best option. My friend is still holding on the possibility that her friend will come around. She’s definitely mourning the loss of their closeness or their friendship.
You’re lucky to have a great friend. Love is supposed to give happiness. As it turns out, ironically, it can also give too much sadness.
Thank you once again.
- February 16, 2012 at 3:52 am #62399
You have contributed much insight. Thank you for sharing.
- February 20, 2012 at 5:19 am #62521
As a gay woman, I have had to have this type of conversation with a straight friend. Said friend led me on and used me like a toy for attention. It is called “sport fishing”. Catch and release. My friend never answered yes or no to me and that was really painful. A better person would have clearly and honestly diffused the situation; not mined it for attention. I digress.
I believe it is impossible to control whom you develop feelings toward, you can only control your actions. I have been on both sides of an unrequited crush. Neither is very good. If this friend of yours carried this for 10 years and was in therapy regarding it, that is more like limerence. Disclosure is the best way to kill it so you can move forward. It thrives on uncertainty. I understand both the distancing and the disclosure. The straight friend is doing the gay one a favor. It hurts now, but it will help her move forward. Perhaps they can resume the friendship in a year or so. Probably after the lesbian has a new love interest.
- February 20, 2012 at 6:38 am #62522
I noticed I have a similar situation. I think my friend was bi or possibly experimenting. This is where I come in as the friend. I too distanced myself and became cold. It really hurt me being friends with her after this confession of being in love with me. First of all it caught me off guard because she knew I was straight and I thought she was too. I felt betrayed after the confession because I felt like our friendship wasn’t real. Who was I friends with all this time?
I thought that she was thinking more about herself and not what I might feel. She goes on to date a new guy yet she continues to flirt with me and test me to see how I react. That’s disrespectful to the guy pretending in that way. I’ve never told her up front to stop it, but I tried giving the hints to her. It’s worked somewhat, but I notice the feelings are still there. I would have dealt with it better if she said she’s been having confusing feelings–and not mention she has any for me specifically.
I still love her for the wonderful person she is, but I’m not interested in that way. Inevitably when confessions like that are made, it affects the friendship. Boundaries have to be made in a respectful way. Time softens feelings and we can go onto other crushes etc., and forget about it. It’s better to inquire where a person stands instead of confessing deep feelings. I personally would never be so open to confess that to a guy friend. Not everyone will be flattered to hear such things if it’s not mutual. Distancing most times has to be the option.
- February 21, 2012 at 9:25 am #62543
Thanks for posting this perspective, I for one really appreciate it.
It sounds like your friend is confused. As someone who is bi, I think sometimes dealing with potentially being gay is more elusive than figuring out whether the object of your affection feels the same way about you. For some, attraction/love is not so much about sexual identity as it is about the person/ a person you develop feelings for.
In your case, even though you may have dropped hints, I bet your friend had trouble getting past her feelings for you because the door was never closed. Maybe the only way for her to get her feelings in check was to be straightforward and hear what you had to say, even if she knew for the most part you didnt feel the same for her.
I’m sure the experience sucked for both of you and it’s understandable that you feel betrayed, but I’m willing to bet that you did her a favor by allowing her to express herself.
As for being distant and cold, that is completely understandable too. I think I would be a bit unnerved if someone confessed their feelings for me and I in no way felt the same. Just also consider the possibility that her feelings for you don’t necessarily mean that your friendship wasn’t real because I’m guessing she probably really likes you as a person. Instead, maybe it just means she had trouble getting her feelings in check and needed to know with certainty how you felt about her – specifically how you felt after knowing how she felt about you.
I bet divulging her feelings wasn’t her first option (though I acknowledge I could be wrong) because confessing deeper feelings that are completely unreciprocated can be really embarrassing.
In the long run, as her former (or maybe current) friend, just be happy knowing it will probably cause her much more relief to have been straightforward with you than it would have been to keep strong feelings like that inside. You are a good friend for letting her be real.
- February 21, 2012 at 2:15 pm #62545
- February 21, 2012 at 2:17 pm #62546
- February 24, 2012 at 11:03 pm #62664
Thank you for your reply. Your response helped to clarify what questions I still had about the experience. Glad it helped others too. It’s hard to go back to what I was used to know in the friendship. I realize that every person and reaction will vary. It was tricky being distant because she also became defensive and treated me as homophobic or having underlying issues. I had been open about my own personal matters in the past before I knew anything about her feelings–telling her my brother who had died was gay and it was a difficult time for him and my family. If she knew I was straight and this was my experience, why even go there in my case? Part of my family history was painful–my reaction could have gone in a number of directions. I don’t know if it made it easier for her to reveal her feelings, but in my case I would have liked it if she was sensitive to what I might feel. I was beginning to feel like my refusing her feelings would be like I’m rejecting who my brother was. I agree that it probably gave her a relief but why do I feel like I’m still carrying a burden? It’s just like on that show Seinfeld–I think Jerry said–“If you don’t get that ‘I love you’ in return, that’s a big matzo ball hanging out there.” It’s a big deal and a burden depending on the person, the closeness of the friendship, and how you choose to deal with it. Be forgiving, be a good friend, be compassionate, yet be protective of yourself too.
- February 28, 2012 at 6:22 am #62835
Your post is actually really insightful. I really like that Seinfeld quote too, it makes me think about something I did recently but a bit differently from your friend.
I had a close friend for nearly a decade, and I never told her how I felt because I knew it’d just make things weird and that she most likely didn’t feel the same. I also knew she needed a good friend in her life and I needed one too. Recently though, I sort of woke up because it was clear she was becoming annoyed with me. She actually got really upset because I was being too nice. It made me realize that I needed to find a way to get my feelings in check because they were clearly still there and clearly unreciprocated. I had known this for years, but just couldn’t seem to meet anyone I liked more than her.
I decided to tell her that I needed some space (b/c we used to keep in touch frequently). When she asked why, I finally just told her the truth, knowing she didn’t feel the same. The whole experience traumatized me. I still feel so weird about it because other than her I had never been attracted to someone of the same gender. I also feel incredibly guilty for some reason. I guess because I feel as though I’ve ruined a good friendship.
In retrospect, even though I feel a huge sense of loss in potentially losing a close friendship, realistically, I don’t think I would have ever gotten over her if I didn’t say something. Ten years is too long. I could have easily seen myself living my life and staying good friends with her never really knowing how deeply I felt, and my being completely okay with being alone.
What if instead of me though, this happened to your friend. Let’s say she was in love with someone else. What would you advise her to do? [Obviously the first being to probably break up with her boyfriend].
I do understand though that after having told you, she should have been ready for you to be a bit weirded out. No matter her gender, it can feel strange to have someone care for you more than you do for them. So you are completely justified in your feelings. Out of curiosity though, why do you feel burdened?
In my case, I’m also curious as to what you think I should’ve done. I keep going in circles myself because I’m not sure how my friend really feels Even though she’s been nice since I told her, we’re definitely more distant. From your point of view, do you think it would it have been better to end the friendship or tell her I needed space without telling her why? I definitely get that your friend and I needed to move on way before. But if we had both been feeling this way for a while and nothing had changed, what would you suggest she and I do?
As for things on my end, just as I’m sure my friend knew how I felt about her, I’ve pretty much known how my friend felt (or didnt feel about me), so that big matzo ball had always been hanging there, it’s just that we were both OK with it for a long time.
At some point though, it hurts when someone is your best friend but also squarely at the center of your life and you are always on the periphery of theirs. A skewed relationship like that doesn’t make for a good relationship of any kind, not even a good friendship. In such a situation, someone needs to get their feelings in check, and sometimes unfortunately for both people, it’s through disclosure.
Would love to hear your thoughts!
- February 28, 2012 at 8:46 pm #62864
It’s not a bad thing to be lesbian/bisexual. It’s what that person feels in side & what sex their attracted to. For ppl thar aren’t lesbian/bisexual it’s hard for them to understand what it feels like for your friend liking you. I am lesbian & I am proud to be it’s Me I’m attracted to girls & there’s absoulty nothing wrong with that. It’s a good feeling & that’s all i have to say!!! U shouldn’t judge others that are lesbian or bi confessing their feelings & coming out as who they really are we don’t want things to be awkward but we want everyone to know & to take us as who we are & be cool with it not judge us. Being lesbian/bi is way of life!!!….. One of my friends is lesbian & me & others took it just fine & you should too!
- February 29, 2012 at 6:35 pm #62909
Thanks for your comment. Maybe your decision was best in your case. Even though it was difficult after that. My reaction has to do with her approach. I had seen her yesterday and she still continues to flirt with me in front of the boyfriend. I never spoke with her directly and told her what bothered me about it, and that might be why she continues this way. It’s been a little less than a year since she admitted it to me.
I think cases differ with the kind of attraction. Is it love, attraction, limerance? In your case, a long friendship, the bond is probably deeper. It might be more difficult for me to comment because my friendships have been shorter-about 2 years.
I think when I say “burdened” it’s feeling I’m being the hurtful one. She is just expressing her feelings, but in a secretive way. She gets to continue to be in the closet about it while she acts this way. To others it looks that I’m excluding her, and no one else really sees what’s happening. I would be interesting to know how females react differently from men.
- May 7, 2012 at 3:52 am #64740
Wow, my best friend .., or my old BFF, is a
Lesbian. I’m strate bt I wanted to b there for
Her as a BFF…. Well she asked me out and
Now for the first time, I really, surprisingly
Have no feeling on our friendship, it’s like
Idc anymore- it wierd bc we were soooo
Close. And I luv her like a sis bt not like luv
Luv her, u no wat I mean. Idk wat to do , still
B her BFF or just say good bye, she didnt
only ask me out bt she slapped my ass and
Sang songs around me….luv songs, it waz
- May 8, 2012 at 2:52 am #64778
So, basically, you’re all saying that lesbians and straight girls can’t be friends if the lesbian is romantically attracted to the straight girl, even if she doesn’t court her in any way? And it’s selfish to confess at all even if it’s more painful holding it in?
- May 8, 2012 at 2:58 am #64780
I’ve never heard anything so narrow-minded. It’s automatically selfish, insensitive, and immature for the lesbian to share her feelings?
- May 22, 2012 at 4:12 am #65206
- May 22, 2012 at 4:19 am #65209
it isnt “automatically.” it was based on aseries of comments and replies
- May 23, 2012 at 4:54 pm #65259
So my discomfort is less important than your discomfort if I tell you I think you’re wonderful. I’m supposed to just hold it in and pretend it isn’t there….You’re dreaming.i
- May 23, 2012 at 5:29 pm #65260
I’m sorry but you’re trying to control other people’s feelings and thoughts by that statement. People grow fond of you by spending time with you. Physical attraction and those feelings happen involuntarily and they grow. Sometimes just getting them out there, as someone else said at least puts it out there one way or the other. A mature person who cares about someone’s feelings and not humiliating another person just because they think you’re great, would show some grace and some sensitivity. If you were in love with a guy and he laughed at you and turned against you, you would be devastated. Show some consideration for another person’s feelings. So she told you she loved you and she thinks you’re great. Who the hell are you to treat her badly for it. Say your peace and move on, without being homophobic. You’ve heard the saying “the lady doth protest too much” maybe it’s too close to home. Some people when you say hey I think you’re cute, brings out dormant homosexual feelings they don’t like. This has been my experience….and I’m very experienced at this sort of thing.
- May 24, 2012 at 5:57 am #65274
sunset trail blazingMember
As a MARRIED woman, and straight, if a man who was not my husband declared his attraction and love for me. I would have an obligation to dump him as a friend to remove the temptation for him, and for me. If I was not in a relationship, but knew I was never going to be attracted to him I would dial that friendship way back in an attempt to spare his feelings that I knew were never going to be reciprocal. Seems the same social dynamic to me gay or straight.sunset trail blazingQuote
- June 12, 2012 at 1:02 am #65880
I am a lesbian with an attraction to my female, married coworker/boss.
now, not to stick to the side of the lesbians because i am bias, but some straight women, including the woman i am speaking of, tend to lead us on, and in the end, when we start to take a look at what is going on with our own feelings, and GOD FORBID say anything… thats when the straight women lower the “youre making me uncomfortable” comments. Now, i understand both point of views. i hate when men do this to me, and when they cross obvious lines. With some people, there really is an attraction, a connection, that can not be denied. Sometimes i believe people are afraid to just let themselves be open and be loved.
- June 24, 2012 at 5:40 pm #66172
I don’t want to be rude but I think that some lesbians can be delusional. They that anything and turn it into a sign or flirting. Some straight women can just be too friendly. To me it goes both ways. I am straight myself.
- June 24, 2012 at 5:54 pm #66175
Sound a little bit bitter. I think that it goes both way. Meaning that some straight women are too friendly that it can be mistaking for flirting and some lesbians can be delusional and take even the smaillest things as flirting. The lesbian friend took a chance and now she has to deal with the fact that she might have lost a good friend. I am strong believer that friends just remain friends and not ruin the relationship with sex. I had this problem with one of my closest male friend and I regret that. I am straight by the way.
- June 25, 2012 at 3:02 am #66183
- July 7, 2012 at 11:08 pm #66504
please help me, i’m so frustrated. I’m a lesbian and i’m in love with a straight woman. the thing is, we were worlds apart before however as time passed by, we got to know each other, became friends, became so close that people would think we’re in a relationship. then i asked her if she feels something towards me, she said she likes me and she’s happy with me but we’re just friends. she was never involved in a same sex relationship because it’s against her principle. but she often say, “if only” and the reason why we can’t be in a relationship is because i’m a woman. but other than that, the feelings is there. when i tried to walk away and move on she would not want me to. she doesn’t want me out of her life but if ill ask her if where will i stand, she just say we’re friends. she would often ask if there’s a need to have a label in how we treat each other. i’m on the losing end because she likes me, want me to stay but we will be just friends coz us is impossible for her.
- July 8, 2012 at 4:44 pm #66527
I understand how frustrating this must be for you. I’m a bisexual woman myself and I know sometimes our close friendship with straight-identified friends always lead to some tricky situations. First, let me address that there are just some same-sex friendships that are so close that looks beyond either one’s sexuality, as with your case. Your friend clearly wants you in her life and wants your friendship most of all that she’s willing to accept your romantic feelings and brush off any malice that may jeopardizes your closeness and thus, chose to keep your friendship, as opposed to that of the OP’s scenario.
But I also understand where you’re coming from. Some straight-identified women are so confusing with their actions. They say one thing but act another. And that’s why I called it “straight-identified” because there are those situations where the “straight girl” actually likes girls themselves but are just not ready to accept such realization. I know it may come across as convenient to quickly jump on that assumption, but I can’t quite blame you since her remarks were quite confusing itself.
“But she often say, “If only” and the reason why we can’t be in a relationship is because I’m a woman. But other than that, the feelings are there.” what feeling was she referring to? Did she make it clear it was a romantic feeling? “She would often ask if there’s a need to have a label in how we treat each other.” This could easily me misconstrued that her treatment of you was more that of a friend but she’s just so afraid to call it anything else as it might suggest that she might be, indeed, not straight. She may be hindered by her religion, or as she said her principle that’s why she just can’t act on it.
There’s no doubt you’re special to her; in what way may be the question. Correct me if I’m wrong, but it sounds to me that what you really want is to be involved with her romantically. I get that. It’s hard to stay friends with someone you truly like, especially among women since we’re all emotional kind and when we feel something for someone it’s usually totally intense, and this I say regardless of sexuality. I know it’s almost like a masochistic punishment to stay in a friendship while holding on an unreciprocated love, added with very confusing actions toward you from your friend. I understand why you just want to stay away.
On the other hand, it could be that she just needs you as a friend. She wants you as a friend. She loves you but not in a way you want her to. But her love for you may be more than her love toward her other friends, like almost sisterly love…but that is all. Your friendship may be more important to her that she’d be willing to let you love her in the way you do but also keep it platonic. It may sound selfish on her part to have her cake and eat it too, but maybe that’s all she could offer.
I was in love with a straight friend too but it was unreciprocated. I also suspect she loved me. As women, I know we have enough intuition to know when someone likes us and it’s not just wishful thinking. I know how frustrating it was and how hurtful. I guess some people just can’t imagine how intense feelings are between women, so I understand you totally. You know your friend and you know firsthand how she interacts with you. You’re a better judge if there’s more to it.
I suggest you talk it over to her and try to understand each other. Whether she loves you romantically or not, I suggest that you give her space, meaning, don’t push the subject too hard as she may get too pressured that she’ll decide something, or anything, just to deal with the issue. You might run the risk of losing her altogether if you’ll push her to something she’s not comfortable with. However, let her know of what you really wanted out of the situation. Let her know how you truly feel for her, how hard it is for you, but mostly, be her friend. It’s hard for you, I know, but it’s doubly hard for her too as her confusion surely touches the issues of her own sexuality. All she knows right now is that she wanted you to be her friend. Both of you may need to compromise on how to deal with your situation.
I would suggest, and I hope Irene wouldn’t mind me saying this, you join the forums on AfterEllen.com. It’s the site for lesbians and bisexuals community. There are discussions in the forums stories such as yours and the members there may be able to give you some perspectives especially the ones who have been in a situation like yours. I hope this helps somehow.
- July 8, 2012 at 5:02 pm #66530
My Two Cents’ comment was for Needs Advise, actually!
- July 14, 2012 at 4:45 pm #66654
My story is same like this she is stright but she wants me in her life.she never said that she love me but she reply wid text same 2 you….what is that last night i ask her for hug she said “i am special for you so pls hug me fast” i am confuse what is dis???
- July 15, 2012 at 12:05 am #66662
so I’m writing here because I’ve read a few of your posts and I think you might be able to help me. I’m bisexual but only for this one girl – we’ve been friends for a year now and extremely close we put ly on the end of our texts and we’ve shared a bed a few times (not sexually) I’m crazy for her but she’s the kind of girl who keeps all her friends close so I can’t tell if she likes me – she just text me saying ‘have I ever mentioned I love you?’ but in reply to some info I sent her for an art project. I think I’m reading too much into it.
We also both fancy this guy – we’re not even competing for him but meet up with him together – we’ve shared a bed with him (again not sexually) and we all say we love each other
Another guy – lets call him L to save confusion – is hung up on me – he’s sweet and kind and everything a girl could want in a guy but L just isn’t who i want
maybe its just because we’re young – me her and the guy we meet up with are only in upper sixth form (L is at college) maybe its because I’m bi and thats why I can’t decide
should i settle for L – he’s the perfect guy after all or persue her – with the possibility of rejection and the end of a friendship and what about that guy? I love him too but her so much more
– God I just read this back – you’d be lucky to make any sense of it at all – please help me – I need to act but I don’t want to lose any of them in the process
- July 15, 2012 at 5:58 pm #66668
I haven’t read onto page two but I thought this might be a useful contribution… I’m bi, I think. I haven’t been kissed a girl or been in bed with a girl but I know for a fact that I’m not lesbian. I find boys extremely hot but I have a very soft spot for my best friend. I’m in love with her and she knows. In our group of friends there’s five of them. One is the girl I love and that’s just awkward now. Another has sent me horrible messages saying ‘LESBO!!!’ and others like that. Another is going through a really rough time and I don’t want to annoy her but I know she’s under pressure with this situation. The last friend openly said to me that I should be a lesbian, not bi ’cause bi people are weird. I’m really hurt by the way my friends are reacting, it’s not fair. I can’t choose who I am but I see their point. It’s hard on them but I try to look from their perspective. My best friend who I’m deeply in love with hurts me every. single. day. I’m sick of it but life goes on. She tries to tell me that I create drama and that I’m constantly telling them about my problems. I’m not. It’s my life. In a way I wish she never found out I loved her. Love is a strong word but I really truely do. I can’t imagine my life without her but she doesn’t know that part. I’ve tried to tell her that I only let her find out because I didn’t want to be a perv and take advantage of our friendship; she won’t listen. Some people on this blog don’t realise how hard it is to be slighty gay. I’ve cut myself over it. I’ve contemplated suicide. My friends know I’ve cut myself and it’s just another reason for them to reject me. I can understand if my friends don’t want to be bothered with me, I can understand my best friend who I love to feel awkward; that’s why I respect her and give her space. I’ve officially given up.
I now know that truth about my sexuality will get out if they turn on me. They’ve promised they won’t tell anyone no matter what but you never know what could happen. As for all the numpty’s that say the ‘lesbian friend’ is ‘immature for telling her feelings’ go get a life. It’s not immature telling someone the truth, risking your friendship just so that they can move on and be happy.
- July 17, 2012 at 5:06 am #66692
thanks for your advice. the thing is, i talked to her last week. i tried to clarify everything if where would she want me in her life. she said a few lines that strucked me the most. one thing that’s holding her back is her family. at the same time she told me she’s not yet totally over with her ex boyfriend and if only i was her ex boyfriend, coz i love her more than what the guy showed her before. honestly, i tried to move on. i told her,fine we’re friends but there are times when she would act as if she’s my girlfriend coz she keeps on checking what i am doing and if i do stupid things, would get pissed off. and if i tell her, “why are you so affected we’re just friends?” then she’ll be annoyed. but sometimes as much as i want to believe that there’s this little possibility, her insensitivity would always hurt me. i’m not on the edge of giving me. shall i?
- July 17, 2012 at 5:10 am #66693
what i mean on the last sentence is, “im on the edge of giving up.” shall i? i’m just too tired, too hurt and not being appreciated
- July 20, 2012 at 11:10 pm #66760
I had a school friend among the jerks who think I’m weird at school. I’m a girl and I’m not lesbian or bi, I’m just normal. I found out recently my friend was a lesbian and she liked me. I had no objections but I was petty shockd to know. I mean, since summer I skyped her because I felt Facebook had too many jerks online, but I don’t know how to react on this, because I never thought being only 12/13 years old somebody would already be les. I mean, I’m a month older than her but I’m a grade higher, we’re not in the same coloured team in school, and we rarely meet, and at first I thought she was joking, but now I think it’s real. I don’t want to break her heart and I don’t want to end our friendship, please help :(((
- July 28, 2012 at 2:02 pm #66980
I think it’s weird how delusional some lesbians can be. A coworker recently started asking me out even though I’ve made it very clear that though I’m single I only date men. She knew this but kept insisting that I give her a try, It’s just ridiculous to me. I respect and believe in gay rights and all that, but it angers me that she thinks political correctness requires me to date a gay person even though I don’t want to. What’s even worse is that she has started turning my other coworkers against me by saying that I am a workaholic and didn’t know how to experiment with life. Another friend told me that she’s recently told her that I was avoiding her because we had a thing going on and that I was secretly gay. I never flirted with this girl in anyway, was only nice to her because I thought she was gay and didn’t want her feel like an outcast. But this whole experience has really changed my perception of lesbians. Some of you are really psychotic and have reasonable expectations.
- July 28, 2012 at 2:09 pm #66981
I meant unreasonable expectations. I already told you I don’t swing that way, so stop hoping that I ever will. You’re only going to hurt yourself if you keep hitting on me and annoying me. I would tell the same thing to male friends who do this. But here in San Francisco I get worse reactions from lesbians, because they think it’s somehow morally or politically correct that I “give them a chance.” Seriously, you do not have a right to demand that straight people “give you a chance” just because you’re gay and thinks political correctness requires it. That’s self-absorbed and egostical.
- July 28, 2012 at 2:18 pm #66982
It depends. I have good friendships with lesbians who I’ve rejected romantically and who seemed to have discarded their sexual intentions immediately afterwards. The only people I give the cold approach are those who keep harboring those feelings for me. That’s when I need to distance myself because it just grosses me out when we’re talking and they keep staring at my lips. It’s exactly the same way with guys. Just imagine yourself being desired by a creepy dude who could be your grandfather even after you turned him down. Then you’ll understand.
- July 28, 2012 at 5:31 pm #66986
LOL not at you but at anyone, male or female, straight or gay, telling someone to “give me a chance” sexually. That reminds me of age-old tactics by men toward women who (a) are virgins and not ready or (b) are just not into the man in particular. When the woman declines the overture, she used to be branded “frigid” or “lesbian” or “uncool.” Nothing has changed. Just the gender.
- August 3, 2012 at 7:19 pm #67140
what’s hat supposed to mean. There is nothing abnormal about being homosexual versus heterosexual. How do you think someone who is gay would feel reading that, seeing that just because they like or have liked people of their same gender, suddenly means they’re NOT normal? And just because the only people you’ve liked have been of the opposite sex doesn’t mean you won’t ever fall for someone of your gender. I know what its like for a girlfriend to confess their feelings for me, and honesty and letting them down easy is the way to go, just as you would do if a boy, friend or stranger, whom you didn’t have feelings for at the time, told you they liked you. I can guarantee you aren’t normal, just because you’re straight doesn’t give you the right to put other people on a lower scale than you, I’m sure you have traits that most people don’t, but hat doesn’t make you not normal, it makes you unique.
- August 7, 2012 at 1:55 am #67224
Don’t listen to what that one friend said! Bisexuals are so awesome because it means they like people for who they are, not for their gender! I have a bisexual friend and she’s really cool. And you don’t have to worry about being straight or lesbian, because you’re right in the middle! And that’s pretty damn awesome if you ask me!
- August 9, 2012 at 10:30 pm #67302
I understand. It hurt me and confused me when I got women coming onto me who were my so called friends. I was accepting of my openly gay friends, but I didn’t appreciate the ones who were disrespectful. It happens with guys so I should say it’s just people who aren’t respectful of your feelings. And yes people can be psychotic. Because this experience was new to me, I had to reflect so that I didn’t brand all lesbians that way. But I feel somewhat paranoid, like I can’t trust females as friends because some aren’t out of the closet. And that includes the gay men, who dated me who were in the closet. It tested my friendship and how much I share my personal life. It wasn’t fair to be experimented on. I will be open and accepting, but I don’t tolerate people who don’t respect my feelings and feel they can change me.
- August 13, 2012 at 10:58 am #67369
What I’m going to say is very un-pc. I don’t intend to be offensive, but you asked a question and I’ll give you my honest answer: It’s freaking weird when another girl likes me!!!
I find it impossible to be friends with guys who find me attractive. If the feeling is mutual, great. We’ll move out of the friend category and we’ll date. When it’s a guy friend that I’m not attracted to, I’ll feel awkward and I’ll avoid him.
But it’s even more awkward if the feelings are coming from another woman. FOR ME it is very unnatural and bizarre for another woman to want me in a sexual manner.
I don’t look down on gay people. I believe they deserve all the same rights and privileges as everyone else. I don’t think they are sinful or perverted, but my innate reaction is to be physically grossed out by a lesbian hitting on me. It’s worse than being hit on by the grossest guy ever. At least the guy has the right equipment.
I’m not proud of my feelings, but that’s how I feel. So no, I wouldn’t be able to stay friends with a lesbian who expressed her interest on me. But I would be flattered nonetheless.ednic20Quote
- August 15, 2012 at 9:10 pm #67423
- August 16, 2012 at 4:54 am #67431
I would have absolutely no problem being friends with a lesbian or bisexual girl who DID NOT find me attractive. I would be relieved that she wasn’t attracted to me. To reiterate the only way I could be friends with a lesbian/bisexual is if and only if she wasn’t attracted to me.ednic20Quote
- August 18, 2012 at 7:05 am #67468
Post removed by moderator for violation of terms and conditions of this blog.
- August 18, 2012 at 12:14 pm #67469
wow..! YOU seem to have a lot of issues! LMFAO! xD I love it how you show the whole forum your own insecurities by bashing gays 😉 It definetly makes you the better person…and I am totally sure YOU will get to heaven one day! good for you…! but reading your heartfelt words of intolerance and arrogance makes me feel bad for you none the less… 🙁
I also love how you said “I know shes in love with me…but shes never said so.” hahahaaa! just wondering why you just dont tell her to leave you alone and that ur not interested in her like that? that would be the grown-up-in-my-fourtys-thing to do.. dont you think!? instead you even send her signals by remembering her birthday and even sending a card! 😉 lol! actions speak louder than words! I hope you find another great job soon! you do deserve it..!
- August 18, 2012 at 1:23 pm #67471
I agree with you that this woman is wrong and small minded about us queers,, but her friend from work does sound bizarre, and gay or straight clearly has issues.
- August 19, 2012 at 3:52 am #67478
I deeply and humbly apologize to all those my previous words have offended. Again, I’m sorry- I was angry and venting because I don’t know what to do. This one woman is driving me crazy–I beg you please post this response!!!
HERE is the complete story:
I am a single mom, and I have one (older) brother whom is gay, HIV pos and lives with us, I had another brother that was bi-sexual/cross-dresser (now deceased may GOD rest his soul) and I have a nephew that is bi-sexual. My nephew has given me two wonderful great-nephews (3 and 8). All whom I love/loved dearly. My deceased brother walked me down the aisle for my wedding. My brother-n-law’s uncle is gay and was his best man at his wedding. We are accepting and kind people. I work as a volunteer at a HIV/AIDS activist and supporter–NOT because I believe in the lifestyle–it’s acceptance. In other words, we all must live here on EARTH together–so let’s try to live in peace, help each and not invade each other’s privacy or personal SPACE. I became a supporter when my brother was diagnosed in 2002, and since then I have open my HOME to all alternate lifestyle people when their families put them out or disown them once diagnosed as HIV POS–believe me this still happens. I pick-up meds, and food for my people, and I spend my own money helping with their bills, transportation and clothes.California have many homosexuals, but most never volunteer or come help our group, and the majority in our group of helpers are hetersosexual. I wake up in the morning and pray daily for a cure. I have prayed for and did many bedside visits of those who are now dead. Cried with and wiped a many of tears away. I have washed bloody sheets, wiped butts, changed bandages and bathed bodies–most their own mothers recoiled at touching them. Many of the people I served–I knew only a short time through my volunteer work. Not self- glory–It is called COMPASSION and KINDNESS, which ALL mankind DESERVE!! So please don’t judge me!
I started my current job in Oct, this LADY started the job in Dec. She walked around sad all the time with her head hung down. I befriended her at work only–One day she said she lived alone, no cat, bird, dog and no family in the contiguous USA. Her b-day was in Jan, so I gave her a basic card–not mixed signals. In May at work there was a conversation about the PREZ openly speaking up for homosexuals–I said I applaud him and that I voted for gay marriage here in California, that I’m not a lesbian, I love men and want a solid relationship with a man again in life. However, I don’t believe anyone should be force to live by others beliefs and not be able to marry the person they love. Now for those of you who think I’m lying–I did vote YES b/c I know that both of my brother’s really loved their partners and wanted to get married. My religious beliefs have nothing to do with equal rights for all. That night, I checked my emails, this LADY had sent me a link to a lesbian website–angry black woman. Now you’re thinking -How did she get my email? I gave it to her earlier to send me the link to the musical play “RESPECT” that we attended together. After the play, while having lunch, she stated she was a loser! out of nowhere-I said No, you’re not and why did you say that? she stated b/c you talk about your son alot and I have no children. That was strange to me and I took it as a sign of depression and made it a point of saying Hi to her each day with positive inspiring words like today is going to be the best day ever! or Karma is going to be on our side today–just simple inspiring words– I thought to cheer her up. Since May thiis LADY have been acting and doing strange things to me, like getting mad at me and accusing me of still loving my ex-husbabd if I say I talked with him, not wanting me to call my son by his name that he shares with his father, not wanting me to touch or talk with the male doctor that likes me, constantly asking me out to platonic events (lunch or concerts). I have to fake that I have a man in my life and she still wants details of my life with this pseudo man. She states she would be honored if I let her meet my son and family and tries to invite herself to family events (graduations, BDAY events and special dinners), then gets mad when I say its just for family and close friends. She says my son and I are too close and that I should send him away from home for college–that he is too protctivr of me and that I do too much for him. she has never even met him. She acts as if she knows my body–by saying thoings like I know you didn’t get enough sleep b/c your eyes look tired, or you have a headache b/c you’re not talkin much. When I say anything remotely considered a platonic conversation to this woman, she is grinning and smiling so hard she LITERALLY drools on herself, so much that other people or I have to hand her a kleenex to wipe her mouth/chin. If I go to the bathroom, and she sees me, she runs in the next stall, I CAN’T PEE without her listening–then she waits until I come out the stall and say I was wondering if that was you. One time she made a comment that she knew it was me because she know the sound of the elastic on my panties!–(just telling the truth). I now go to the bathroom on the lower floor. If other women and I have a conversation she stares at me from across the room. I have stopped wearing pretty form fitting dresses/skirts, makeup, and contacts to work b/c she would grin at me like a cheshire cat the whole day. I now wear grandma style blue jeans/tunics/my thick birth-control glasses and no make-up, and consequently the male doctor that use show interest in me, stop asking me out–I look like crap at work. She said THE THOUGHT OF THE DOCTOR AND I TOGETHER MAKES HER STOMACH HURT. In meetings she sits directly across from me and stares at me throughout the meeting. Some days I can feel that I’m being watched and I look around she is in another room/office peeping through the door hinges/crevices at me. I ADMIT–I’m AFRAID to speak to her and say all those things which you have suggested, What if the rejection makes her retaliate? She is a SENIOR MANAGER, I’m not. I have my family to support. What if she denys these things are happening and say I’m crazy, to cover-up her embarrassment? Or accuse me of slandering her as a stalker to HR? I cannot go to HR –because I don’t think I can call this stalking or harassment—she is smart enough to have NOT said I LOVE you or HATE you or DESIRE you!
For those of you wondering—No, she doesn’t know what I do as a volunteer or my brother/family. No I don’t ask about her life?–NO MIX SIGNALS–I have refused all outings and even those when everyone in the office go out to lunch together to celebrate a staff Bday, I always say no thanks and stay at work.
What would you do if these things were happening to you?
- August 19, 2012 at 11:46 pm #67486
That is harsh what you are going through – this person sounds maniupulative and downright scary. If it was a man doing this he would not get away with it so easily. You are living in fear and work is becoming hell on wheels and that kind of fear can consume you and affect your health if to goes on for too long. It is like your body is always in fight or flight mode which stresses your adrenal glands and thyroid.
Following you to the washroom, making inappropriate comments, asking so many non-work related questions is harassment. An energy vampire, she is infecting your professional and personal life with her needy attention seeking behaviour. It is like she is addicted to your energy and wants more and more – is irrelevant of her age, gender, race or sexual orientation for the reasons for doing so. She is a plain ole nasty piece of work who likely does not have a lot of friends because of being such an energy sucker. She is trying to hook you into her web by making you feel sorry for her – the sympathy play is classic energy vampire behaviour.
Document everything that is happening – times and dates. From my experiences with HR, in a bad situation with a female supervisor, they sided with her all the way. These types are usually good at playing the victim and turning on the (crocodile) tears when they need to. Suss out your Hr person –
Find out (very discreetly) the names of the managers who are more senior than this one – even the head of the company. Sometimes you have to go right to the top. That’s what I did – union and hr did nothing told me my abusive manager was good. I wrote a carefully constructed non emotional business letter to the president of the company (a large corporation) letting him know exactly what was going on. I had to leave because the impact on my family and health was too great – the dread and fear was all consuming. But found out that she did get canned a couple of years later and new management brought in. Chances are your vampire has done this before.
What you need to do is stop sharing any personal (even fake) personal informaton – with this manager. Speak of work related things only. When around her adopt calm neutral energy so she can’t energetically feed off of you. These types like to create stress and feed off of it – energy good and bad they want it. So don’t engage in any idle chit chat – keep it strictly work related – be civil and professional but don’t offer any extra curricular pleasantries.
Google 4mingthoughts emotional vampire series for a good education on how to handle this as well – very awesomely presented situation from someone who has experienced this type of person in their life.
A good article on emotional manipulaton – which is what seems to be happening to you.
Also some other good reads – The gift of fear by Gavin DeBecker,(his examples are male but just put she where he says he in the examples) The Bully at work, by Gary Namie, Who’s pulling your strings, Harriet B. Braiker
Also you may want to scout out other jobs – it is not easy to leave your job in this economy but even searching for another position is mentally soothing and helps neutralize the power this person is trying to have over you.
So what I would do in this situation is document the behaviours, suss out to see if HR is any good or just an apologist for poor management, discreetly find out the contact information of the head of the company, don’t gossip to other co-workers about this lady – that feeds the dance which you don’t want to be a part of, be civil and neutral when in her presence, keep it all work related.
food for thought from the diary of an angry black man –
) Avoid losing battles
2) Put your energy where power is (your OWN behavior)
3) Accept no excuses for Covert-Aggressive behavior
4) Judge actions, and not intentions
5) Be honest with yourself
6) Set personal limits
7) Make direct-requests and request direct-responses.
Another link to help you understand better what you are going through
One last piece of advise to help you keep your energy and power for yourself – when in this persons presence and are feeling drained and stressed , imagine a fast moving river – you are on one side and she is on the other – only your loved ones know your river enough to cross it – so she cannot cross this river to get to you, the rivers fast moving waters will prevent her crossing it. Do this also if you find yourself ruminating about her when you’re off work.
So this is what I’ve learned from dealing with a borderline psychotic manager – and I had to leave my career over it but am happier and heathier (though poorer get paid half as much but treated a million times better) so you have to decide if you want to fight – which takes up a lot of your personal time and energy – or slowly make your way away from this company and toxic manager – just looking for another job (don’t do it at work though) can relieve stress. Thank you for re-posting and I can understand how you needed to jut vent it out because it is so frustrating whatyou are going through and please keep us updated 🙂
- August 20, 2012 at 12:22 am #67488
Wow, good info you have given here. I am not the lady who wrote the original posting, but I have my burdens right now at work with a boss from hell. Well, sometimes hellish and other times not. Your imagery about the rushing river dividing yourself from the person who is giving you grief is fascinating, and something I will try to employ. I think you are right as well that the search for another job has its mental health benefits, as it makes you feel as if you are at least trying to do SOMETHING. I also think your advice to the poster to not gossip to others at work about her particular troublesome worker is spot on. My experience is that even though you think you are telling someone something very clearly, they often completely misunderstand you. That’s partly because people are not always good listeners. At work, there is a temptation to gossip about people mistreating you, since we like to have comrades. But in the end, it makes people uncomfortable to hear gossip about others. It’s best to keep this stuff to yourself.
- August 20, 2012 at 1:40 am #67489
I made an error in my post – it is diary of a tired black man not angry man :I had it on book mark because that piece of info that I found that piece of info that I copied was helpful but after re-reading your post about that inappropriate link that this awful boss sent you so I apologize for not seeing that detail to begin with when posting.
- August 20, 2012 at 9:23 pm #67498
I am 17 years old and straight as far as I know, but I am completely in love with a girl who is 24. We work together and Are friends outside of work, and we’ve been friends for a few years and I’ve been in love with her the whole time. I’ve done a really good job of keeping it a secret because my biggest fear is that if I tell her she will not want to be friends with me anymore. I can’t imagine not having her in my life and that would be the worst thing ever. But I want to tell her so badly because it is eating away at me and every day is wonderful because I’m her friend but it is my feelings are so painful. I am so in love with her and she is the perfect person for me. I always come close to revealing my feelings to her but I never do. I think she’s straight but I don’t know because she doesn’t have a boyfriend. And she’s many years older than me so that could also make things awkward. Help me! I don’t know what to do!
- August 21, 2012 at 5:39 am #67507
You sound very immature.
- August 21, 2012 at 5:12 pm #67515
would it be better if ill just hide it just to keep the friendship? but isn’t it also unfair and felt discriminated at the same time?
what do you think is the best way to do to express how you feel without ruining the friendship?
- August 21, 2012 at 5:16 pm #67518
what would you do if you are secretly in love with a straight friend and you can’t tell her because your’ afraid that it might ruin your friendship?
- August 21, 2012 at 5:20 pm #67520
if you think/know she feels the same…tell her. if not…keep it to yourself, distance yourself…and fall in love with someone else. or…ruin the relationship…then the distancing will inevitably happen! if you stay quiet whilst in love with her you’ll suffer..! and then you’ll be mad at her without her knowing why (secret jealousy)…and all is ruined. its tricky! as soon as feelings are there….evrything is f&@ked!
- August 22, 2012 at 12:04 am #67522
I am a 17 year old girl .. 3 years ago I begin to develop romantic feelings towards womens eventhough I studying in public school..
When I was 14 years old, for this first time I fall in love with my just-married teacher & when I confess to her she took it as a joke because for her I nothing than the quiet girl in class.. But I did not give up eventhough I am not sure why I was so in love with her… That time I was not aware about lesbian or bisexual relationship because I was the “innocence” type girl.. Things got worst for me when my mom past away & I ended up seeking help from her.. She was not a good comfort for me, still I loved her a lot At times I will wait for almost 1 hours+ after school cause she must finish her school works, just to walk her home.. Somehow she found out my feelings & begin to avoid me as well treat me coldly.. It hurt me so much as first but I manage to get over it with the help of my friends & I did not get to see her so often because I went to morning session from after session.. Then I lived a normal teenager life but I begin to realize that I am attracted to girls..
Last year, when I was 16 years old, I fall in love again with another 23 years old girl.. She was my practical teacher & only taught at my school for almost 3 months but I was so in love with her.. I begin to act weird when she was around & sooner I got her number from a guy friend.. Then I often send good night & good morning messages.. Whenever she goes to her university i will ask her to take care and all.. She told me she see me as a good friend, sister & student.. There was once I tell to her I love over the phone but she remain quiet & say she gotta go.. I took that as a positive approach & begin to be control over her like she was mine.. I gave her the nickname ‘My Angel’ because she said my mum send an angel like her to me.. She was the person I usually show my anger & happiness but It did not last long when she shouted at me once that she seek respect from me because we are student and teacher.. That word make me crazy to the extend I skip school not to see her & I slowly distant myself from her a little knowing I meant nothing in her life.. The feeling was still there but I hide it & sooner she left my school after practical.. I was not in a good state of mind & I begin to flirt with few boys & girls saying that I love them in romantic way.. My action just ruined my relationship with them. Somehow I enjoy doing that for I feel so hurt & I wanted to be hurt more. There this one of my girl friend, L who still accepts me as a friend no matter how harsh I treated her & she usually been there by my side as a nice friend..I also seen her as a friend & nothing more. Still I continue flirting to forget the sadness & pain I am feeling..
Recently, this year L introduce me to a guy, N who she address as ‘bro’.. He was in love with another of my friend last year but he got rejected.. He accepted it like a gentlemen & did not bother the girl after that..I exchange numbers with him & I became his close friends.. During my birthday party he gave 11 gifts & spend all the expense.. I hold his hand in the theatre cause he freezing due to getting wet in the rain when bring my birthday cake..Unexpectedly he fall in love with me & proposed me few days after that.. He tell me he have been harboring such feeling for a long time..I told him I am attracted to girls but he still wanted me. I thought he was playing with me so I accepted it without knowing I jumping in a big hole. Things got worst now, when I realize he is a nice guy.. He usually buy gifts whenever he come to visit.. Almost everyday he will end the call by saying he love me but did not even say I love him back.. I told him I might leave him for a girl but he say that he will be okay with it as long I am happy but I will be the last girl in his life.. I know his very serious & I
cannot take it knowing that I don’t love him the same way he love me.. He even kissed my cheek & hold my hand to show that he love me a lot.. Yet, I do not feel anything.. I requested break up because I cannot afford faking with him thats because I was liking another girl.. On the spot, he almost killed himself with his bike.. Luckily nothing happen to him.. I dont understand why he dont want let go of me? Slowly he was dropping out in his studies.. At times he wont eat.. I am so worried just thinking about it because we both have an important examination this year that will decide our future.. After a talk with L, I agree to lie to the guy that I was just joking.. Now I am covering up my feelings & pretending I love him but how long can I do that? I cannot be sincere to him cause I am sexually more attracted to girls.. It have been 4 months since I ended up in this relationship.. N seems so happy & excited every time to to see me.. I am stupid to rush into relationship & now I going to end up destroying a nice guy life If I were to walk away. What should I do? I am hurting myself by being someone I am not & pretending to him.. Not sure how long I can take this..
- September 11, 2012 at 11:26 pm #67969
Well basically im really really close friends with a girl called harriet. One day i found out she was a lesbian. I didnt care/mind since it made no difference to me. That was until she told me she liked me….i was like aww 🙂 and im still best friends with her and i dont think its changed much so yeah 🙂
- October 3, 2012 at 7:10 am #68441
I have that scenario, I being the straight friend. I couldn’t get past the awkwardness. Our friendship will never be the same I’m afraid. Her behavior didn’t change that much. It was time for me to stand up for myself. What makes me even more angry is that she found a boyfriend right after that while I was still single and dating. I feel uncomfortable accepting invitations from her. I think she knows it still bothers me. I have to move on.
- January 2, 2014 at 5:22 pm #128295
I’m bisexual. I confessed to my friend that I like her almost a year ago. She took it well. She even gave me a chance to date her. Our relationship only lasted 2 weeks. When we broke up, I broke down and cried for weeks. I started having suicidal thoughts. But our friendship stayed the same. We’re close friends now. She knows I still love her. But the problem now is that those suicidal thoughts are still in my head. My depression got to me in June 2013. I confessed to her in February 2013. It’s getting worse and worse… self-harm has me trapped.esmecristalQuote
- January 5, 2014 at 12:08 pm #128718
This happened to me with my best friend. She took it well and it was a little awkward for awhile, but I think she was flattered I felt so strongly for her, even though the feelings weren’t returned. She and I are still best friends, and we can joke a little about my crush on her now. She’s married to a man so it’s not like a relationship would have happened with us, anyway. She didn’t judge me for liking her that way, so I think I am lucky that she still wants to be friends. I am trying to focus my feelings on the future and not on something I know isn’t going to happen.
- January 21, 2014 at 8:30 pm #130705
Here’s what I Think about this situation, everyone has their own lifestyle choice but it’s not ok to force your choice on others who don’t share the same lifestyle. To me it’s just plain disrespectful and predatory behavior, one of my friends hit on me in a club the other night. We were sitting at a straight bar chatting and a woman leaned over and said this to us, ‘How long have you two been together’ my response was this, ‘We’re not together, I’m straight.” After I responded to this question my friend leaned over and said ‘why did you say that, I wanted to screw with her and pretend that we’re together’….she went on to say this, ‘but think about how good we would be together, wouldn’t it be great.’
Why i say predator is this, she know that I’m straight and apparently she hit on another friend that is in our group. So basically she doesn’t care that we’re straight, she just wants to hit on everyone… she’s actually bi-sexual.
Now I’m so pissed off at her lack of respect towards me that I don’t really want to be around her at all, we’re in a weekly rosary group so now because of her behavior it has me in a bad situation. Everyone knows about her lifestyle choices, and it’s a non issue for all of us. But she crossed the line and it’s just not ok for me, she is an alcoholic and she always uses this as an excuse for her less than desirable behavior of a 54 year old woman.
What can I say to her, I’m deeply offended by her behavior. The club we all go to is a straight club/bar, so why doesn’t she go to a gay club and hit on gay people. Again, I feel that she’s a predator.Binks58Quote
- March 8, 2014 at 10:33 am #139186
I am a lesbian and I was attracted to my straight friend from the moment I met her. In 3 months of knowing her we were spending majority of our time together and were inseparable. She grew on me and my attraction turned to something deeper that was out of my control.
One of the first nights we hung out she made it clear to me she wasn’t into women so for me to not get the wrong idea. A few drinks later she was in my lap at the pub all over me kissing me and biting my neck, this continued back to my friends place and eventually when we got back to hers I passed out and went to sleep in her bed while she stayed on the sofa. The next morning she told me she didn’t trust herself sleeping in the same bed as me and said I confused her. I asked her if I were a guy would we be sleeping together she said yes straight out. She was somewhat embarrassed about her behaviour and she even filmed some of it and asked if she should delete it. In hindsight I wish I could go back to that night and be more aggressive and not have passed out because she might think differently about lesbian sex.
Months pass we are still close. People assume we are a couple we spend so much time together. After that night nothing else romantic happens. We share the same bed and she snuggles me. I was the only person that stood by her as it was a tough time in her life with heavy drug use and other things spiralling out of control. I actually cared about this girl so much it got to the point I was trying to intervene between her and her drug use but that created a wedge between us. I told her I had feelings for her and she straight out said she wasn’t sexually attracted to me but if we could still be friends. I needed space so I left. She immediately found a guy to fill the void and that was that.
6 months later she came looking for me and crept back into my life. She apologised and thanked me for how much I did for her. It didn’t take long for the same thing to happen again a few months later.
Just recently after a year apart I found her. Nothing had changed, I missed her everyday and thought I was in by good place to handle anything. She said she had found god. We went back to spending full days together people would assume we were dating. She would often say to me that she could see why girls like me and that I remind her of this one guy she loved. She felt like she had known him and I forever. We mad plans to travel and see the world. She was off the drugs but still having serious spiritual issues which I understood and vowed to stand by her. Basically I got too involved with her life and it started to take away from who I was and drove me crazy. I had no choice but to tell her I never stopped having feelings for her. She knew she said but put it in the back of her mind hoping it wasn’t true. I said I have to walk away because I don’t want to end up hating each other or me being jealous etc. I felt so much guilt over this because at the same time I felt an unconditional love for her. She had no family or no one that cared but she was beautiful to me. I wrote her a letter explaining everything. The day I told her she said she didn’t hate me and as I left in tears she gave me a long tight hug. A few hours after our chat she sent a message saying she will hold me close to her heart forever and that I’m one of a kind and to take care. I have her on fb still but have just deactivated. I find it hurts more to see her pop up on chat every day and it just reminds me about what I forget.
More than anything I miss her and sometimes I regret bringing it up again but at the same time I would just be holding on to something that would never happen as she said. She said all she wanted was a friendship. She would get so defensive about lesbian sex it did make me wonder if she was hiding anything. She said it disgusted her. However I slept in her bed and we basically lived like a couple for 2 months without the sex and I guess it added fuel to the fire. I only hope after time my feelings change and I can be the person she first met and there is no awkwardness. I just feel like it’s all my fault.
Did I do the right thing?SeraQuote
- March 21, 2014 at 10:40 am #140386
Perhaps its too late to join in a conversational thread that’s spanned two years already (LoL) but I will because I’ve developed a funny outlook on time itself. Here is what I mean: I fell in love with my bff 30+ years ago when neither of us had (literally) the maturity, self-knowledge, or wisdom gained from experience to handle what was happening at the time. We never talked openly about a pivotal experience – that moment of pure honesty/transparency, in the moment, didn’t occur. We both became wives and mothers and still are, but for the first ten years of our marriages, we struggled with this unspoken dynamic…like a subtitle in a foreign language underlying our normal conversations and time together.
The lack of honesty on my part (driven by fear of losing her all-together), felt within me like denial, confusion, frustration and restlessness. I was shadow-boxing with myself. We began to drift apart (again, without acknowledging anything more on her part, than superficial explanations) yet my struggle intensified. I had no clue what she was feeling…we didn’t have the words to describe what we didn’t understand ourselves. I think that is one of the factors of time…we are often working through our feelings and trying to interpret them, get them in a proper context, and testing their veracity. Like someone posted before – her feelings changed over time.
Fifteen years into my marriage I got involved emotionally and sexually with another woman. The whole situation was a mess! – I was a mess! In a moment of sheer panic, by bff was the one I turned to. I confessed and the response I got from her only proved to confuse me more. For the next 12 months the distance between us grew to a large gap. Then she stopped talking to me all-together. This lasted for years. Total silence and no contact.
We did eventually reconcile (I initiated), and do on occasion tentatively share about the depths of our friendship, but only to a degree…we have learned the art of “filtering” well. We filter to avoid hurting one another, when we aren’t sure how to respond yet, to maintain respectful boundaries, and to protect our overall friendship. Husbands and wives often do much the same. Yet, for my part, we do so at the expense of our personal growth and integrity. Hiding key parts of yourself from someone you love (out of fear) can be detrimental in any intimate relationship. If the relationship was more superficial (with the transience of acquaintances), we don’t fully disclose. But we’re talking best friend status here…that has a deeper commitment and concern for what is best for the one we love. In my case, it was best for me to disclose, but for my bff, it was best for her to not speak.
It took me over 25 years to fully disclose with her. She reciprocated, to the degree she was able, and we’ve carried on. We do love each other but not in the same way…but then, reciprocation need not be quantitatively or substantially “equal”. We love as we can. We share as we are able. Disclosure and closure has had many layers and moved through many seasons. That we are still deeply close friends says more than any of our words combined.
Sera, it’s not “all your fault.” I too felt like that…I took the failings of our relationship and even the potential “cause” of our deep intimacy (a struggle with my own sexual identity whereas she was totally heterosexual)onto my back. It broke me. Two things freed me from that delusion: my bff years later took responsibility for so much that had driven my own “what-if???” questions. I have received the gift of closure about so much. What freed me was to live long enough to experience love in far greater depths that encompasses much more than what I had conceived it to be so long ago.
A friend just sent me this text: “Don’t regret what is past. Cherish what you have. Look forward to all that is to come. And most important of all rely moment by moment on God’s grace.” It’s good to have loved and loving sometimes means letting go so love will expand and flourish instead of wither on the vine.Geri RoseQuote
- March 22, 2014 at 2:04 pm #140428
What’s up, this weekend is pleasant for me, because this time i
am reading this impressive educational post here at my home.CarmelaQuote
- July 15, 2014 at 5:58 am #142426
I went into this awkward situation like your friend. I am a bisexual girl and I am only fifteen. I fell in love with a girl which is pretty famous and really beautiful. I was straight before this and I kinda always notice her because I often see her hanging around with my friends(They are all girls). I started talking to her and I just felt like I was liking her at first. Then I noticed the past days that I can’t sleep and I’ve been thinking about her much of the time, we texted all the time until I kinda told her I like her. She showed me that she liked me too so I went on and then I always give her some snacks when I buy or come over to their house or go to their classroom. Then one day I heard from our friends that she has a secret relationship with one of the girls in my basketball team which was not studying at my school and lives into another state. Then after that all things got blurry. I started avoiding her and our some of our friends. I didn’t talk to her even though she is just next to the person I was talking to. I would say “Hi” to our friends and I won’t look at her. I was completely rude to her because I felt like I was betrayed, stabbed in the back and was made a fool out of myself. I was completely depressed. I began being cold to everyone and started being alone all the time. I gave myself some time and also her to recover. After a while and after we gave a moment for some things to be the way they should be, our friends and I started hanging out again and we became friends again, Just CLOSER THAN BEFORE. So my advice as being the Bi one is to let time heal the wound(If there’s any) and give some time for the awkwardness to disappear. You’ll be back to where you were before. (:EkingsQuote
- July 21, 2014 at 11:47 pm #142562
While I have never been in this situation with a lesbian friend, it has happened to me with a guy friend. He confessed that he wanted to be more than friends, and I didn’t. If the person respects you, they will accept your “no”, move on, and not push you. It will be awkward at first, but it is possible to move on and become better friends as a result. Me and my friend laugh about it now.JennaQuote
- July 25, 2014 at 3:26 pm #142684
I am a straigh woman and here is my response to the orgianl question. I think it all depends on the friendship and who does what with their feelings.
1) I was good friends with a woman who came out of the closet, while we were friends. She admitted that she liked me, gave me compliments. As we were a year or so into the friendship it continues and I made it clear I was striaght. She however started to distance herself from me. I tried to keep the friendship but she ended it.
2) A guy friend of mine for years suggested that we become a couple. I was complelty thrown off, caught off guard and it was plain akward. I let him down and we talked about. Due to the akward nature of what happened (and not wanting to hurt him/embarass him) I put a little space in between us for a while. We evenually got back to where we once were. We’ve been very close friends for over a decade. We are attedning eachother’s weddings 🙂SarahQuote
- July 25, 2014 at 4:08 pm #142688
Wow I know how a lot of you bi/ gay people feel. I’m gay too I’ve come to find out. My friend seemed ok with it, liking my story with that sort and role playing with the characters and even liking some yuri anime. I feel I care for her greatly but not in that way, I care in a non blood family way. I had told her if she did like me I wouldn’t be mad. I would probably even try for her if she really wanted more then friends. I feel that isn’t the case as my caring friend wise seems too much for her suddenly, even though it’s online and I refer to her as my best friend but not in that way. Behind my back I found I was called a stalker, it really hurt, still does.
I have no idea why suddenly I’m hated when she seemed alright with me being bi, but then I got a gf and she still seemed ok with it.
Then I just don’t know what happened and why she hates me..
And Anna that took a lot of guts for your lesbian friend to do with her friend, I really do hope they can overcome this.. You are a wonderful friend for your lesbian friend to try to help her in stick by her side.AkariQuote
- August 11, 2014 at 4:26 pm #143199
I told my best friend from high school that I had feelings for her. The fact is she led me on but was too repressed and ashamed to even tell her boyfriend that she was bisexual and as the years went by I couldn’t stand being toyed with emotionally. I don’t resent her not being brave and just accepting that she was attracted to me, I could be cool with never having been with her sexually ever. I just mourn the fact that she wasn’t brave enough to stay friends with me regardless. Is it a product of living in a mainly conservative state like Texas? But she seems ok with other people being bi or gay. I guess it always bothered me.JessQuote
- September 8, 2014 at 3:49 am #143958
Geri, your story strikes a chord with me because I am currently in your position when you were younger.
Years back, I met my friend and fell in love with her. I have never felt anything of that sort for someone else. Till date she is still the only person I love. I dropped hints here and there but nothing obvious because I didn’t know what would come out of a relationship with her, if she did recipocate or anything. There was once she held my hand but I gave no response because I wasn’t sure what I should do at that point in time. Over time, I did question if she had any feelings for me or not as there were signs she was straight as well.
The most obvious sign that she could possibly be bi was when she confessed unwillingly, one night, over the phone that she probably likes our other female friend whom she was having problems with at that point in time. The next day she hushed me up and pretended that conversation never happened though I was pretty sure I heard what I did.
During that period, all I did was to support her and made sure she was ok. That was that.
One day, 2 years later, she told me she was going on an exchange program. I was sad and relieved at the same time. I thought with this time apart, I might be able to get rid of my feelings for her once and for all. Well, I was wrong and not only so, it made me realise how entrenched I was in it. This program would eventually inevitably force me to make my first most unwilling confession ever. To make it short, she had her heart broken by a jerk who confessed but had not ended cleanly with his ex. I was furious beyond words as I had expected a responsible guy to sweep her off. It obviously also did broke my heart finding out that she loves someone. I have always wanted the best for her because I really believed in this verse from the Bible.
<i>Love is always patient and kind. It is never jealous. Love is never boastful or conceited. It is never rude or selfish. It does not take offense and is not resentful. Love takes no pleasure in other people’s sins, but delights in the truth. It is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope, and to endure whatever comes.</i>
Fast forward, after she came back from the program and after my unwilling confession which she forced out of me, we tried to maintain as per normal. Obviously it wasn’t going to work. I cried buckets. She told me we would remain friends but the friendship we have could not possibly remain the same.
I was devastated. I spent a year to get over her. After that I became a much happier person without the weight of it all on my shoulders. Though falling in love seems to be the most difficult thing on Earth for me. At that point in time, I resolved that I would never contact her since that was what she wanted, and I would never appear at places where she might possibly frequent.
2 years after our last conversation, she contacted me via message. I was angry and had half the mind to tell her off after she told me that we should not contact each other. She had no idea the pain I went through and yet she could actually message me nonchalantly a week asking how I was?
It would be another year and a half before we actually met up again because I was overseas.
Some side notes:
In the time that I was absent, our other female friend had contacted her and patched up with her (as friends).
She used to completely forget about my existence and went for lunch with this other friend, leaving me behind in class.
Neither of us have a boyfriend. Perhaps because we have high standards. She has rejected guys and so have I.
I remind her of the things that I dislike, the words she said that had cut me when those similar situations present themselves.
My feelings are not as strong as before and I can control myself much better now. But it’s there. I try my best not to contact her, reminding myself of the pain I went through but that missing just doesn’t go away. This time I feel like confessing to her and ending it properly. It’s clear to me that some of me still wants her.
If any of you could share some insights on my situation or have similar experiences, do share with me how I can handle this situation.IddyQuote
- September 26, 2014 at 12:18 pm #144446
I got together with a friend who I hadn’t seen in 15 years. Prior to that we were both involved with men and clearly heterosexual. When we met for lunch, after 15 years, she stated that she had had a relationship with another woman. I made it clear that I was still straight and she said, “I am too from here on. It was just a one time thing.” I wanted to make it clear that I was straight so that if she had expectations of getting together for any romance that it wasn’t for me. We agreed to meet to write or go to the movies a few times a month and to support one another in our career pursuits, to help motivate one another, etc. Kind of like a woman’s support group.
Everything was great, like having a new best friend. She said something once along the lines of, “Oh won’t you marry me….” I thought she was joking since my straight friends and I joke about marrying one another ..”If only we each had the right parts, etc..” So we continued to get together and she said things that made me think that she wasn’t kidding – like, “We need to talk…..” I said, “About what?” She said, “You don’t think we need to talk? Isn’t there something you want to talk about?” I said, “No. I have no issues and nothing to talk about.”
I tried to gently make it clear. We then just haven’t really made plans since. I didn’t want to hurt her feelings and feel that giving here a gentle message will maybe give her time away and if the friendship is meant to be, it will be. If we get together in a few months then I might say, “I just really need to make it clear again that I’m straight.”
So, it did irritate me that I made it clear initially that I was straight and that she represented herself as so and then she made a pass. She said some things that were somewhat presumptuous, as if she could change my sexual preferences. This, I feel, is arrogant and made me lose respect for her. I enjoy the friendship, totally am for all gay rights, etc. I just think that if someone is straight and you are not, then why fish from the wrong pool? Being honest up front goes a long way to preserve friendships, avoid being hurt. Being dishonest can only lead to your own anger and hurt and wasting another’s time basing a friendship on false pretenses.HelenaQuote
- September 27, 2014 at 12:48 pm #144466
As a lesbian, in my opinion, if I’m attracted to a straight friend, I probably wouldn’t say anything. However, if I was feeling like I was falling in love, or the attraction was getting worse, then I’d have to tell her. At that point, if she didn’t share your feelings, then I think any normal person would realize that it’s pretty much the end of the friendship – and we both would have to accept it. It would be too hard to be with someone you love (as they’re dating, etc.) – and on the other side it would be too awkward to be friends with someone who loves you. The best thing for both is to walk away. Sounds harsh, but I think it’s for the best.ShelleyQuote
- September 27, 2014 at 6:08 pm #144473
There have been two occasions where I have had a female lesbian friend confess their attraction and ask what I thought about being more. I just handled it the same way I would with a guy. I politely told them I wasn’t interested, felt slightly awkward for a little bit (remainder of the conversation maybe) and then moved forward with the friendship.
It doesn’t matter if your admirer is gay or straight. Get over it and just keep on with life and friendships.IsabellaQuote
- September 28, 2014 at 6:06 am #144482
I had a girl friend that liked me and I was flattered. I still hung out with her like normal, but slightly different. When she would hug me I would hug her a little tighter than before, and it would make her smile. It was just something I did to let her know she was still my dear friend.BrendaQuote
- October 2, 2014 at 10:20 pm #144617
This topic is very sad, especially for us Straight Guys looking to meet a Straight Normal Woman today.
- October 21, 2014 at 7:00 pm #145019
I am a straight woman who was suddenly approached by a lesbian woman at a concert about a month ago. I was sitting with friends (my husband hadn’t arrived yet) and she came over and joined in the conversation and after what seemed like a very brief time said something like “You are the most beautiful woman in this room” something I’m not used to hearing as I am average looking at best. But she continued to talk about the way I laughed, danced, dressed and on and on. Yes it was embarrassing, even though when she said these things we were out of earshot of other people. I guess I assumed she was gay and said my husband would be here soon, figuring that would nip it in the bud but it didn’t. She didn’t seem bothered by the fact that I was married and keep flattering me. When hubby showed up, I introduced them, other people wandered back to the table and the rest of the evening was comfortable… we were all dancing together, talking together, etc. My problem is that this feeling she has is not going away but she tells me it is growing stronger. I appreciate her honesty and each time she said something provocative reminded her that nothing sexual could happen between us, though i would like to remain friends. She would say she understood but just couldn’t help the way she felt and also has told me “I guess I’ll never get married.” If it weren’t for the sexual tension, I think we would be good friends. I like her very much, just not “that way”. Does anyone have experience as a lesbian woman who had a strong “crush” on someone that went away when she met someone more appropriate or as a straight woman who’s loving lesbian friend got over the sexual part of their relationship and was able to be a good friend and nothing more?
- October 28, 2014 at 12:30 am #145252
The lesbian friend
I realize this was meant for the response of a straight girl to get their perspective but I think I should enlighten with a response of my own. I fell for a best friend of mine and did just what this woman’s friend did with the same exact intentions and thoughts in mind. My straight friend never once showed any awkward feelings around me since then. She was just like, “thanks but no thanks and I love you like a sister.” I accepted things as they are and we are still very close good friends today. I don’t see why someone can’t just be like, “uh, well that’s nice you feel that way but I don’t” and just move on. I think something like that is a bit hard to keep inside yourself and especially from a best friend. In all honesty they probably already know since it is a best friend (mine did). Besides, if you love each other enough then the lesbian isn’t going to let the feelings get in the way of the friendship and the straight friend shouldn’t either. A lot of the time when you confess something like that it’s because there needs to be something worked through or released. Saying it may help release what is there and help them to let those feelings go. Keeping it in sort of feels like having a wedge between you and your friend and confessing those feelings isn’t an act of seduction but rather an act to lift that wedge. Wedges can separate friends too and wedges get in the way of any true bond that can be formed. Perhaps not everyone should go out and confess their undying love to their bffs but I don’t blame those who choose to do so or the friends that decide to stick together regardless of the undying love confession. Some friendships will break under the pressure and others may become better because of it. Not all confessions end in disasters and a friendship doesn’t have to fall apart when one person gets feelings and the other doesn’t. I guess what I am trying to say is that feelings and even confessed feelings don’t have to be the end of a friendship. I am evidence to that. My friend is married with a child now and we continue to have an unbreakable bond. I have come to see her as my dearest friend. I wound never do anything to hurt that bond.The lesbian friendQuote
- December 22, 2014 at 3:10 am #147058
Holy fudge this thing is happening to me right now! Like a few days ago, I did what this friend did in the first post. I confessed my feelings to a very close friend of mine, but yeah I just, like the person, said it for the sake of being honest to my friend. I even specified that I’m not courting her or I’m not implying that “hey I want to be something more”, I just said that for the sake of our friendship/ being true to her coz trust is very important right. I mean what’s so wrong with that? True she isn’t my type actually, but when I actually got to know her more, I just fell for her head over heels. And now she replied that she “doesn’t swing that way” and something more which I don’t fully understand, but Yknow you get this feeling that I ruined our friendship. Like I don’t wanna lose her, but at the same time it’s gonna be hard going back to where we were with her knowing how I actually feel and yeah her being radio silent now. She’s one of the few people I care about and huhu I don’t wanna lose her. I mean I’m not even hopeful that we’ll actually be more than friends, but having her in my life is enough and yeah now I’m just afraid I completely lost her. Sorry I just had to post here coz damn the FEELS from reading everyone’s comments.
Oh and if ever you’re reading this, can we please please please go back to where we were. I’m not asking for more, I’m just saying that I value our friendship that’s why I got really honest when I confessed. PLEASE CAN WE JUST GO BACK AND BE FRIENDS LIKE BEFORE?kingoftheolivesQuote
- December 22, 2014 at 3:29 am #147061
BTW she wasn’t blaming me in the reply. Its more like I’m blaming myself because if I didn’t tell her, nothing would change or like by doing the right thing in my opinion made evrything worse. And sigh she’s actually a very nice person.kingoftheolivesQuote
- December 30, 2014 at 11:43 pm #147281
I am a married woman and in love with a girl who is younger to me. I am so madly in love that I wanted to confess to her today. She does give me some hints that she likes me but nothing concrete.After reading this I have decided not to confess as I don’t want to ruin my friendship with her.But in my heart I love her very much.LovestruckQuote
- January 6, 2015 at 6:40 pm #147509
I don’t have them as my friend. I did have an acquaintance who was, and I was friendly, but never let the relationship get beyond casual friendliness and I was clear to demonstrate that I’m straight. I don’t think it’s right to be rude to them, but I don’t feel obligated to have anyone close to me that is not straight.
- January 9, 2015 at 6:50 pm #147647
I have a friend who just recently admitted to me that she was lesbian. Although, I’m not sure if she has affections for me or not, because she claimed she only felt a slight attraction to other girs, and at that, those with large chests (get what I’m picking at?) I, frankly, stay with her. We’re just friends, after all. It’s not awkward…yet!MorticiaQuote
- January 11, 2015 at 12:27 pm #147702
Straight girl here.
I, for one, don’t want to lead them on , turn them down politely. I would treat the confession like anyone who is attracted to me but I don’t have the same feelings for. I learned my lesson with a guy friend.
Story Time! *Cues sound of children cheering*
I went out with 6 friends and rumor has it, I smiled “sexily” at the waiter because too happily because his food recommendation was great (those nachos were to die for, stacked with sour cream and green onion like yum). The friend accused me of “being a tease and he must have something I want because I am still friends and it wasn’t fair I was giving guys chances to go with me (because a smile is a come eff me face, kids) and he was owed a chance”.
Like seriously? I am a human being and I not a passive pair of legs who owes every guy a day in paradise just because he said so. I was astounded by this ridiculous assumption. I had to tell him, just because I text restaurant and movie recommendations and shoot a “what’s up?” doesn’t mean I want to have sexual anything or relations. Then he claimed “I was emasculating and domineering” solely based on the fact that I don’t owe anyone a relationship or sex. Long story short, he mentioned how my right to say no made him want to rape me (graphically described). Long story even shorter. We are no longer pals or even close. The End.
Maybe he was immature but I don’t want to torture a friend that way, their long term well being is worth more to me then the friendship. I keep imagining him stuffing his doll with loose hairs he sneaked off my jackets like Norman Bates and am glad I ended our friendship. It wasn’t healthy for him. Maybe he found someone else.
And for the lesbian commentator who is calling all straight girls immature. Calm down. You wouldn’t like it if I talked about all lesbians the same way. Stop being rude.PetticoatsandPincurlsQuote
- February 6, 2015 at 3:45 pm #148843
bisexual male here, stick with reality. Generally, gay people end up with gay people, bi with bi people and straight people with straight people.
The straight friend had probably never been hit on like that and it is awkward. Put the straight guilt away too. It probably threw her off. You guys always do that with each other and it is weird. It is childish and the lesbian should have kept her trap shut.
Most of my friends are and were straight men and I don’t understand what gay men want them so badly for?? I also grew up being the local Judo champ and I wasn’t seen as gay and never really dealt with them because they were rude and said I was a fake closet case but HIV is most rampant among gay men so sticking with bisexuals is best for me.MattQuote
- February 21, 2015 at 6:43 am #149552
“Long story short, he mentioned how my right to say no made him want to rape me (graphically described)”
Geez, did you try turning him over to the police? That sounds like a threat to me! And pity on the future women who will be unlucky enough to be around him. Pretty sure you’re gonna see his mugshot on the news at some point!wishboneQuote
- February 25, 2015 at 9:58 am #149703
Hi! I’m a straight girl with plenty of gay friends. My good friend (let’s call her Tara) is a lesbian. Last summer, Tara confessed she HAD feelings for me, but has since moved on. Though i didn’t return the feelings, I didn’t feel awkward about it because it was in the past. We consummated our friendship with a high five and continued to play video games together. I feel this is one of the best ways to handle such a situation. Tara had developed a crush on me from February to June, but confessed her feelings in August, after she had moved on. There was no awkwardness in the relationship because Tara understood and respected that I am not interested in women, even though she felt attracted to me and we were very close friends. Sometimes, friendliness is misinterpreted as flirting, so some people (regardless of gender) feel led on. If you are gay and you develop feelings for a heterosexual, possibly test the waters before confessing. Tara used games as truth or dare to help determine if I would ever be interested in dating a woman, which I was not. If you feel you will ruin the platonic relationship between the two of you if you confess and the reaction is negative, distance yourself a little from the situation to get a clearer perspective. Maybe do as Tara did, and wait out the crush. Tara and I are still really close, and we don’t feel awkward whatsoever.OliveQuote
- March 6, 2015 at 7:49 pm #150015
Out of the 174 posts I think this one from Olive really hits the mark. (there were SO many good posts and insights) Very thoughtful, simply put and practical perspective. I was thinking after I read all these posts that I would add my two cents but it seems as though it just belabor a point that’s already be well made.AgrooveQuote
- March 8, 2015 at 7:33 pm #150057
I am 26 year old lesbian, i was in a relationship with my girlfriend right from high school, indeed i never regretted each moment i spend with her and it came a time she wanted to end the relationship and move on with this new guy she met, i felt so confused, i love her so much and had to plead with her to come back to me but all effort to get her back did not work out. I wanted her back at all cost and had to seek for the help of a spell caster but the first one i met did not work,i wasted so much time believing him and at the end nothing work but yet i did no give up as i had to try another one whose name is Priest Ajigar and he was the one that finally brought her back to me in just 4 days after the spell was done, i am a very happy person today as i love lesbianism life and i never could live without her. I would advice if you need a powerful spell caster either to get your boyfriend or girlfriend back, get your husband back, get a new partner? You don’t have to look further for other spell casters, explain your problem by sending email to priest Ajigar (priestajigarspells @ live . com)WendyQuote
- March 8, 2015 at 9:01 pm #150064
This thread is a magnet for spam and probably should be deleted.MaddieQuote
- September 3, 2015 at 6:34 am #158784
I had a best friend for 15 years, who… did not really come forward… but something very uncomfortable happened.
After uni i went to live in a different country, she followed me and we lived tohether on and off for 7 years. I had a boyfriend at the beginning, but she was always jealous, i thought it is just because she was scared of staying by herself in a different country ( at least this is what she said at the beginning). I always had excauses for her and her behaviour, and even when i felt really controlled by her, I still managed to feel guilty because of my thoughts… I found her too needy, too controlling, and she basically did not allow me having realtionships, and … in the end friendships… :S I did not assume anything… I brought a very wierd childhood experience with me, my mum was very strict and controlling, and that was her way of loving me, and my sister and brother… so it was kind of… normal… and my ex best friend had this as an excause, that she just cares about me… or at times she had no excause… just behaved like the angry piglett, when i was talking to someone… etc…
One day, when her friend moved to us (a girl), she made a seen… secrelty told me that she is jealous, that i will leave her, and she is going crazy over this, and I was supposed to give account to her about my behaviour towards that other girl, and tell her that i love her…. at first I was shocked, then I did not understand, then … as soon as the picture got together in my head… after few month, me moving away, cos I just felt I cannot stay close to her, and … honestly…. I felt… upset, used and… horrible… I felt that her friendship was a lye, and she used me and abused me over the years and I allowed it to her by making excauses for her behaviour and needy and controlling attitude.
I agree with some of the earlier comments… what would I do if it was a boy? I would do and feel the same, but… the only difference, with a boy I would have a chance to assuem that when he is needy and controlling he want something, but with a friend, who hides, i have no chance, but ruining my life, wasting years keeping someone as a close friend close to me, whilst she is secretly hoping something else and does not even have the curtesy to tell her real feelings.
I know I am not a horrible person for braking all sorts of communication with her… I was right… it was like a controlling realtionship with someone who was not even honest about herself… it was an abusive relationship… i am not even stayint gotether with a boy like that… why would i still keep trying to be friends with her when she was not even my frend… :S
If a boy would do that that could be viewed differently, even more drastically, just cos she is lesbian, she did the same nasty thing… but even more nasty by hiding, and trying to make me feel guilty when I wanted to start my own life. She made me feel responsible for her, her life and her wellbeing and happiness. I treated her as my sister, and i felt responsible for her… she used it… so…
I think it depends what ur lesbian freind tells u, I have boys as friends, whom told me that the feel attracted to me.. they are not my best friends, and they don’t even expect to be best frineds with me, they don’t make me feel guilty for me not keeping them close to me… I feel respected by them… so I think the rules are the same… Be honest and if the other person does not share the feelings just respect them… not like trying tu lure them into ur net, and then lose ur mind over it…ZoeeQuote
- September 13, 2015 at 9:54 pm #159216
Well, i’m a straight woman and the same thing happened to me, a very close friend confessed her true feelings towards me, and i had to distance myself. But this is how it happened.
I already knew she liked me, i don’t know how but i knew, maybe the way she looked at me or the comments she made. Well one day she decided to confess, i told her is unnessesary since i’m not interested in women and actually had a long relationship with my boyfriend now my husband. I decided to keep the friendship, i appreciated her company, she was very nice and fun, and since i had previously known i thought our friendship would remain as it had always been, but it did not.
After she revealed her feelings things did change, she would tell me all the time that she liked me, we would have conversations and she would be “since i like you” etc etc. I think she felt comfortable to say it, so she did.
Then she would tell me how people asked her if we were dating and she would only laugh, i think that was disrespectful towards our friendship, because she as my friend had the duty to let others know if they asked that we were only friends.
Also she would tell me conversations she had with her relatives about my boyfriend after like having had dinner or events together (me my boyfriend and a couple of friends including her) so she would like talk with her friends about how my boyfriend “looked at her with enger, as if they were competing” thing that made me mad because my boyfriend could not care any less and the worse thing is that she actually told me those things. She just did not care anymore.
The thing that made me decide to stop the friendship is one day that she was going to drop me off at my house, as we were in the car she touched my neck the way couples do, i rapidly moved her hand from me and told her no! And she made it about herself saying do i disgust you? Making me feel bad about myself. So i decided to stop talking to her. Ever since she confessed the situation did get awkward.
So when i read the comments from straight women saying that it was awkward i totally believe it. It is not that we just know our lesbian friend likes us and we “can’t take it”, it is the actions many lesbians take and how comfortable they feel after confessing their true feelings. Look my friend was older than me, maybe like 10 years! We met at painting class, so i felt constantly harassed by her! It was disgusting!HannaQuote
- April 3, 2016 at 8:52 pm #168464
You know, I read stuff like this and it just disturbs me to no end. To use words like “disgusting” to describe a woman’s attraction to another woman is really offensive and it leads me to believe you need an education. Do you know how hard it is to be a lesbian/gay today? It’s 2016 and you’d think it’d be easier but there are still shallow people out there who lack confidence in their own sexuality and at the same time, put others down who are brave enough to express their own. People like you let society dictate who you should be and then you fail to recognize the bravery in those who are willing to be their true selves.
This girl built up the courage to be herself and confess her true feelings for you. Being a lesbian is hard enough… and to actually come out to someone and then confess her true feelings is like a triple whammy. You should be honored and flattered that this girl shared such an important part of herself with you. It means she trusted you. And it also means that she saw something in you that made her believe you are a good, decent person who was mature enough and evolved enough to accept her for who she is. Apparently, she was wrong.
Look, I am not condoning “harassment” as you put it and you may have mistaken that for her version of being flirty or testing the waters. But you have to understand that this girl was merely trying to express her individuality. She was in the process of identifying who she was and exploring those feelings with someone she thought she could trust. There is nothing “disgusting” about that. When you have repressed feelings and no outlet, it’s painful. There is a great desire to release those feelings and share them with someone you really like. But not just anyone. Lesbians are not interested in every single woman they see. Lesbian have types, too. And they aren’t perverts or horny all the time, either. They’re just girls and women trying to figure out how they fit into this world.
All your friend wanted was for you to accept her. If she had trouble understanding the boundaries, it’s probably because she had intense feelings for you and was having difficulty letting them go. Don’t hold it against her. It’s very possible that she misread some of your words or actions as being flirty. Sometimes it’s hard to distinguish between flirty and friendly (it happens between men and women, too). There is always a risk when you tell someone you like them. There will be times when you get rejected… and there are also times where the risk paid off and you find mutual attraction and love and happiness. Bottom line, you never know unless you try. Don’t be mad at your friend for trying.
All that said, I get the feeling you are not evolved enough to understand the fluidity of sexuality. Forget labels (they are so 10 minutes ago). People today are more fluid and open to whom they love and are attracted to, where the sex of that person is unimportant. They are able to connect with someone on a physical/emotional/intellectual level, whether a man or a woman. And they don’t need to box themselves in with labels (how boring). Sometimes that’s with a man, or a woman, or both. Genetics or the environment may have you inexplicably lean a certain way and it’s okay to have preferences, too, but why limit yourself to the ordinary and predictable? It’s hard enough to find love. When you learn to love everyone, you open the door to even more opportunities and experiences for relationships and love. And it gets better and better. Exploring sexuality leads to healthy, exciting relationships and it sure beats confining yourself within society’s uptight expectations and boundaries.
So I feel sorry for you… not because you are “straight” but because you are too narrow-minded to explore the possibilities. Hey, it’s your loss. And if your friend was as “close” a friend as you say, it’s an even bigger loss for you.CynthiaQuote
- October 20, 2015 at 3:59 am #160451
I am a bisexual woman who almost as a rule tends to develop romantic feelings for close female friends. For myself, I consider it kind of an unavoidable road hazard of having close friendships with women, which is an important thing to me. I’ve learned to live with it and just ride it out, and generally I don’t mention the attraction because I want to protect the friendship… although it wouldn’t surprise me if some of these friends have “just known” and have been able to read me like a book. As a bi woman who has dated men and had many instances of guy friends confessing their attraction to me, I have found it very hurtful when nearly ALL of these guy friends have decided I’m no longer worth their time/energy as a friend, apparently, when I’ve not reciprocated their romantic feelings. They clearly were only interested in friendship with me in order to have something more. I have never felt that way with any of my women friends who I’ve developed romantic feelings for, i.e., that I am only friends with them in hopes of having “more”. If anything, it makes me more invested in the friendship, because if someone can stir deeper romantic feelings in me, that means they are really someone special and worth my time even “just” as a friend. With time, the romantic attractions always die down, and what’s left is a really deep and genuine friendship that I wouldn’t trade for anything!DaniQuote
- January 19, 2016 at 9:25 pm #164737
My married lesbian friend has been approaching me with feelings that she is feeling neglected and that she is tired of being my second priority. She won’t meet me or talk to me, she just texts me or puts up stuff on Facebook about how friends make time for other friends and all those memes that post about being true. It’s been over a week now and I feel awkward but because she overstepped the boundaries that were in place between us. I am single and bisexual, but primarily have no physical attraction to her. She is also bisexual but had been married to her partner for ten years. I feel violated and have stopped trying to call her since she won’t talk on the phone or meet with me. I don’t know what will happen but I feel like in the future that will always hang between us. I feel in my heart like telling her partner too.BoundariesQuote
- January 19, 2016 at 9:53 pm #164738
I actually found this discussion because I was wondering about how NOT to act awkwardly when your friend confesses their feelings for you. One of my best friends who is lesbian sort of confessed that she has a crush on me, and I had no idea what to say… I personally don’t have a problem with it; the only thing I’m concerned about is our friendship becoming awkward and more distanced. I really don’t want that to happen, and I just really don’t want her feeling awkward around me now that she knows I know about her feelings.
So I personally don’t feel that weird about it..
- February 19, 2016 at 8:42 am #166109
I developed feelings for a friend a few months into getting to know her.She had split from her boyfriend and wanted me around as much as possible.She has always been straight and has dated many,many men.She flirted and complemented me all the time and i couldnt avoid wanting her.8months on i told her my feelings by text.Cowardly i know.She hasnt spoken,replied nothing for ten weeks.I cant believe how close and flitatious we got and she now ignores me.I would have taken it on the chin if i was told there was no chance.Im quite a funny woman so we could easily have got passed it.Left hurting like hell and really cant get passed it.Thought i had met a true frienddistress3dQuote
- March 28, 2016 at 12:53 am #167824
I’m not straight,I’m bi, but my best friend, who has identified as straight until the incident, confessed that she liked me. She said it was cool if I didn’t feel the same way and I told her I wasn’t ready for another relationship in general. I’m not really that attracted to her anyway. I used to have fantasies about us, but they didn’t last very long. This happened yesterday, Sunday, and honestly, I feel too awkward to go back. We’ve always joked that we were married, and I was happy to be in a relationship that didn’t feel like either of us had any sort of romantic or sexual obligation. Now that I know she likes me, I keep thinking about that and wondering if she felt this way all this time we were “wives” and I wonder if I’ve been neglecting her. I almost deal guilty for not liking her back. I don’t like this obligation of being in a relationship where I don’t love my partner. That’s how my first relationship started, and I completely regret it. I just rushed into it and hoped I would like him as time played on. I can’t have another one of those relationships, but I don’t want to leave her to suffer this while I selfishly want to stay friends.TessQuote
- April 5, 2016 at 10:13 am #168548
i think anyone who abandon a friendship just because of that, is ungrateful.
my friend had told me that she had a crush on me and i honestly couldn’t feel more flattered. it was awkward for a day or two but then we just simply moved on (and joked it off) and its back like it used to.mounaQuote
- April 18, 2016 at 6:50 pm #169176
Accept my Straightness
I disagree. My friends know that I’m straight. I don’t understand how we are supposed to accept the sexuality of the LGBTQ community but some members won’t accept ours. That’s not demanding equality, but special privileges. Why disrespect the friendship by declaring romantic love. Friends understand the friend rule in the beginning. Male or female, gay or straight, if we are friends, then declaring love is selfish and inconsiderate to the uninterested individual. It insinuates the intention to both disrespect the straight one’s orientation and to change it. I think acceptance is a two way street. I’ve ended “friendships,” including NSA/FWB relationships, based on declaration of love.Accept my StraightnessQuote
- April 27, 2016 at 12:32 pm #169615
I frankly wouldn’t care much if the lesbian friend just wanted to confess and let her bottled up feelings of frustration and whatever it is that she’s feeling out. She is a human being with the right to express herself BUT if she rudely and strongly push herself into her friend that clearly and has expressed that all she wants is to be friends then we got a huge problem there.
I have been on the confessed side and I found it utterly disgusting when I said no to her and all we ever could be is just friends and that I view her like a sister but fuck no she wanted to be more and started to push her feelings into me like a pervert. She even manipulated some of my friends into siding with her and used her usual deceptive techniques.
That was when truly had a glimpse of her real character. One was acting like a person with depression and making it seems like she’s going to commit suicide at anytime so my friend would convince me otherwise and make me say sorry to her – I WAS LIKE WTF! I DIDN’T DO ANYTHING TO BE SORRY FOR, another thing is she would tell them about how much she’s done for me like I basically owe her my whole being like a fucking slave. Now I know the reason why she gets extremely agitated when I tell her of my desires to have a boyfriend and be a mother.
Didn’t even know that all the kindness she showed me was tainted with the intention of having me, now every time I recall a good memory of us being together it makes me feel sick and disgusted esp during those time when your totally exposed like putting on clothes, I’am SORRY but this is how I feel. I tried to change it by making myself feel some kind of responsibility for not noticing her intentions but my mind just think of how traitorous she was.
We’ve known each other for a few years and I curse my obliviousness. I don’t want to hate a person but at the moment I just can’t bring myself to forgive or to make any kind of contact to her. Even now some of my friends wants me to make amends like I was the one at fault, pfft.
She was becoming so overbearing so I cut off all ties with her. I’m more happy and focused now with my life now that she’s out and away from me.
Anyways telling a person you have romantic feelings for him/ her is not wrong but what you do after the confession will mostly determine how your current relationship will continue. Please do the decent thing and respect the other person’s decision. Just because you have strong feelings for another doesn’t mean that they automatically belongs to you.
And yes, I do believe that the LGBT should respect and accept straight people for their gender orientation and not immediately brand us homophobes when we reject your confession. In my case I wanted us to stay and be friends but I guess it was meant to end.
Thanks for reading!potatoeQuote
- May 11, 2016 at 6:25 pm #170313
So my best friend told me she was bi and I accepted that but accidentally said me too (because I didn’t want her to feel left out) and then she said good because I have a crush on you and I took it well we “dated” as in do nothing and decided to split up. We’re still friends but she wants to try again and I have no clue what to say. plus she still thinks i’m bi. And another on of her female ex’s that she hates because it was a forced relationship just asked her out again and she doesn’t know what to do.AnonymosQuote
- June 4, 2016 at 3:41 pm #171457
Reading through this thread has been a lifesaver. It’s so hard to find good articles on this topic, but all of the various responses have helped tremendously so thank you to everyone who has posted their view on this issue, no matter which perspective you hold.
My situation: I’m bi, but truthfully it’s more just like asexual. However, with some specific close female friends, I become so close to them that I want to touch them, want to make them laugh (basically I’m a creeper in my mind! haha). But this doesn’t happen with many people, male or female, so it’s not like a purely sexual thing, but rather I just feel strongly about certain individuals and it’s an offshoot of that kind of soul-connected affection type deal.
It’s hard to label, because I never really make it known, but I guess it probably is known on some level. What is worse is that, as an example, there are sometimes signals that you’re connecting with someone. Gazing into each others’ eyes, a touch that lingers, someone pressing against you in a crowd. I think these things happen even in female friendships in that some women do thrive on attention, and even attention from a another female can feel good.
So I guess that’s where my confusion comes in. It becomes like a chicken or the egg type question. Am I drawn to women who like that sort of attention but aren’t implicitly available (thereby protecting myself from the idea of having to form an actual relationship as opposed to a semi-internal unrequited one), or is it some sick cosmic joke that the universe plays on me in that I just have all these deep connections to people that I can’t really act upon it with.
The friendships always start out fairly normal. It’s just something that comes with time, like I was saying above — the infatuation comes with the affection that develops over time. I don’t want to call it “leading me on” when there are things that happen that signal love. And I’m lucky in that the last person it happened with was super mature about it. (Please everyone, read above, and see what the correct response to this situation is, because there is definitely a “correct” one, which entails doing everything you can do to spare the feelings of the one who got attached).
I just don’t want it to happen anymore. I don’t know how to turn it off. I form friendships and occasionally some of those friendships with other women make me feel things. It does feel like a mean joke sometimes, because I know I can’t really build a life with these individuals.anon mouseQuote
- June 5, 2016 at 4:53 pm #171514
Being bi has ruined the one friendship that means the most to me. I confessed my feelings to my friend (I must have been obvious because she said she already had figured it out) and she told me that she is 100 percent straight. She is also married. We continued to be good friends for a few years after my confession.
The other day, she told me that she felt betrayed because she thought I still had feelings for her. She said I had been complaining about my boyfriend to her because I was angling to start a relationship with her.
She never talked to me about any of this but accused me of it instead. I was totally blindsided. Now, she thinks I am a phony and that I have ulterior motives in our friendship. She refuses to speak to me and said I had loved her for an idea of as a potential couple rather than as friends only. I didn’t feel this way, but I didn’t have a chance to explain anything. She said I acted like a jerk and was a lot more mean than I realized and that I yank people around emotionally for my own sense of gratification.
She told me that as long as I am engaged to my boyfriend (who I love very much and plan to marry next year) that I may as well forget about romantic feelings about women. Basically, she told me to get over it and move on. She said she is so hurt by me that she said she isn’t sure we can remain friends.
Being bi is like a tug-of-war with my emotions and it is wearing me out. I am sorry that I unintentionally hurt my friend’s feelings. Now a 10-year friendship hangs in the balance and it looks she won’t speak to me again.
If you are attracted to a straight friend, my advice is to just keep your feelings to yourself. It will save you a lot of misunderstanding.
- July 10, 2016 at 4:59 am #173862
I have this really good friend. I’m around 12, and I just realized about 4 days ago that I’m bisexual. I was really freaked out at first, and I still am, because I’m worried about being bullied when I come out to the school. And when I come out to my new crush. We were on the elementary dance team in 5th grade, and that’s when I realized her bullying days were over and we steadily progressed up to best friends. She ended up dating my mega-crush, but I decided not to try to get him to like me instead for her sake, even though I’d thought about making out with him so many times. Anyways, I’ve started thinking about kissing her, and I can’t seem to get her off my mind. We’re super close, but I feel like she would get all weirded out or not take is seriously, because by my observations, she is very straight. She always talks about her crushes with a goofy, lovesick grin on her face. How am I supposed to do this?! Help! Right now all I want to to do is cuddle with her and hold her hand, I can’t stand this! Will I ever find true love? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.EllaQuote
- July 10, 2016 at 6:28 am #173864
With respect, Ella, this is a forum concerning friendship and, correct me if I’m wrong, but you are seeking advice on how to move from that state to one of romantic partnership, or coupling. I am not suggesting that it is, necessarily, inappropriate for one around 12 years old to be making such judgments about her sexuality.DavideQuote
- July 28, 2016 at 2:58 pm #174979
For crying out loud, what is up with all these Topics about Gay Women these days?
- August 22, 2016 at 5:54 pm #176327
I’m a guy
And I’ve been with my girlfriend for 5 years
So my girlfriend became friends with this girl from work (who is a lesbian) and for the past couple of months they have hung out a bit. A couple of weeks ago I guess the friend told my gf that she likes her and remembers the first day she saw her, what she wore and so on. When told this my gf told her she she doesn’t go that way she is straight and you know I have a boyfriend. And at my girlfriends house I caught the friend checking her out when she was bending over.(and at the time I didn’t know she liked her). Before this all happened my gf told me she was already talking to a girl that was in a relationship with another girl.
So my situation here is I feel uncomfortable with my gf hanging out with the friend because the friend kind of broke my trust. I don’t want to control my girlfriends life but I feel awkward with them hanging out now.
(P.s. I have nothing against gays or lesbians because I have family members who are)
- August 22, 2016 at 5:56 pm #176328
*she told me the friend was talking to a girl in another relationship
- August 22, 2016 at 6:24 pm #176332
I just don’t want my gf to get mad at me because I’m telling her who she can or can’t hangout with . I know my gf won’t do anything like cheat but I just don’t trust the friend now.
Don’t know if I should say they can’t hangout at all or they only can when I’m around
- August 23, 2016 at 6:50 am #176359
I don’t really know if it is the best approach to reject and ignore the only people who genuinely enjoy your company.
It only feels disgusting because we start thinking these overly-cautious thoughts about rape or rejection – it might never even come to that.
I saw your post in another thread, Peach, where you were saying something about romantic relationships being in a way “superior” to friendships.
I have some information that will reassign the logic… Romance is savage and egoistic. Platonic friendship, where 2 or more people are open enough to see each-other for who they are… Is a more intellectual one.
Best marriages happen and stick together between best friends anyway.
Point being, gay or not, people are taking this sexual-interest thing a bit way too sensitively.
We really need to develop the skills how to be friends with opposite genders, single or not, or people who have confessed to you how great you are to them.
When a person is full of bullshit flattery and really straightforwards about just wanting to get him/herself layed due to whatever ego reasons, isn’t that obvious?
Most people just want to enjoy being alive and have a good time. The big fear that people are only after your genitalia is a horrifying monster in our cute little brains… Fooking up many potential friendships.
- August 23, 2016 at 9:56 am #176382
Aw, don’t do the pokerface move.
I’d just like to see more of this easterny approach of giving all people equal treatment, regardless blood/paperbonds. Since I find that the current idea of the endgame of life (marriage, kids, house, car, cashmonay) is yet another super-successful product sold to the majority of population.
We group up being motivated by fear, not inspired by kindness or what is right. We get extra punishment when we did something wrong – that’s how we are programmed.
Clinging onto husbands/wives and kids are only a byproduct of that big selling article.
I see nothing holy and genuine in it. Shrugs :/
- August 23, 2016 at 1:22 pm #176397
Show me the ‘cashmonay’ LOL.DavideQuote
- August 24, 2016 at 3:49 am #176444
Peache’s post has dissapeared, though!
I’ve been talking to a ghost!
- October 9, 2016 at 7:11 am #178536
So I had never met this girl before at school and when I went up into year 10 (aged 14/15) our classes were mixed. I was sat next to this girl and she was nice but from the way she talked to me it had always felt like she was interested in me as more than a friend. She told me she was gay after like three weeks. I am not against the gay community in any way and I told her that was great! She would always come up and hug me and id feel a little bit awkward. But one time she came and hugged me and I felt her breathing against my neck and then she kissed it very lightly. I felt so uncomfortable and really grossed out. This is probably making me sound really horrible! I dont know what to do!! 🙁akadaisyQuote
- August 24, 2016 at 6:53 am #176462
Very savage from your very first post I saw.
No worries, I won’t come back with my experiencless ideas then 😀
Gratz, you kicked someone from the forums.
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