Cross-gender friendships- possible?

Posted January 10th, 2012 by lovetotravel2011

Hi all, I am curious what people think of cross gender friendships. Are they possible? If not, why? How does one go about navigating these types of friendships? I feel like this is a very gray area and hot topic in our culture today. I have read many, many psychology articles on the subject. On one hand, I have read many opinions that say yes, men and women can be just friends. It's always relative to the situation and always depends on the two people involved of course. The articles that were pro cross-gender friendships argued that these types of friendships offer benefits that same-gender friendships do not. The articles basically advocate that yes, these types of friendships are possible and even rewarding and worth having. They require trust, maturity and good boundaries and that overall, it would be a shame to discount the opposite sex as friends just because we are not of the same gender. For the articles that argued "yes" to cross-gender friendships, they often stated these friendships can be extra tough for people in them because our society has such a cynical view of them. We have never really been shown any good role model or blueprint for how these types of friendships work so we all feel just sort of unsure about them. I have read two great articles on the topic if anyone is interested: http://realzest.com/2010/11/four-myths-about-friendship-between-women-an... http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1005599,00.html On the other hand, a few articles I read argued against this possability. They stated that men and women cannot truly be "just friends." That there is always a romantic undercurrent, or someone always develops feelings, or jealousy from a mate always overides the relationships eventually. These articles stated these friendships were rarely successful and are just too tricky. Therefore ultimately they just do not work well. Also the skeptacism and doubt received from outsiders would be another tough thing to deal with in a cross-gender friendship. So I am curious, what do all of you think?? I feel this is one of those topics that is neither black nor white but instead is always relative to the eye of the beholder, the person asked. That the answer to this one basically comes down to opinion of whomever is being asked and the relativity to the situation, not so much fact. So what are your thoughts on this one? Thanks for sharing!

CGFS

On January 10th, 2012 Anonymous said:

I approach the question from a Christian faith perspective and my answer is yes. I've been married for 30 years, and this year, will celebrate a 10 year close friendship with a single woman. I've written a book, http://www.amazon.com/Sacred-Unions-Passions-Engaging-Friendship/dp/0982... I am also leading a conference on the subject in April in Chicago. http://sacredfriendshipgathering.com/

I Have A Different Opinion

On January 10th, 2012 jitterbug said:

about OS friendships than I used to.I think the idea of friendships looks good on paper----but the realities can be very different.

In my 20's & 30's I believed that some of my good friends were men..Looking back now, I realize that I was somewhat naive. Turned out most of them were simply hovering/waiting in the wings, trying to keep a foot in the door, in case I became single.There's only one man, from those days with whom I still maintain a close friendship......

And that only works because I show the utmost respect to his marriage, and his wife.I don't act as a sounding board for him, regarding marital issues---and, I never say anything to him that I wouldn't say when his wife is standing next to him............

Also---he's been completely warm & welcoming to my SO, to the point where the two of them will hang out without me, when I'm busy.

My opinion about OS friendships also changed when my SO (significant other) had a female friend who tried to stir up a lot of problems in our relationship.( he had weak boundaries, and discussed our personal issues with her---thereby giving her ammo to use against me) It turned out that she had done the same thing in his previous relationship trying to pit him & his last gf against each other.

Not everyone is like her, of course, but it can happen. The boundaries have to absolute, and first loyalty needs to go to the romantic partner, otherwise, there will be issues.

Once either party becomes involved in a romantic relationship, the dynamics will/must change. The single OS friend will have to be willing to take the back seat, cheerfully,without complaining. Otherwise the new romantic interest is likely to get his/her hackles up.Understandably so..........

OS friendships

On February 6th, 2012 Anonymous said:

Well said jitterbug!

Having Friendships w/OS

On January 11th, 2012 Anonymous said:

I've had the very same thing happen to me, where one thinks you've a good friendship going with a guy, then at some point you get the vibe they've been kind of sizing one up for a romantic relationship. This used to happen to me when I was also younger. I'm married now. I moved in w/my husband before we tied the knot. He's been living at the same address for almost 20 years. There's a neighbor in the back apt. who he's been friend? with. I ask it in the form of a question because, really I think they're really acquaintances. My husband I must admit knows a lot of people, but we differ greatly in that I don't feel he really keeps in contact compared to myself in really keeping up friendships, e.g., calling people, getting together outside of holidays, etc. The relationship the neighbor Sally has had with my husband as far as I can see is one of they share a cat. My husband used to have this cute cat. He began to travel and be away 2 mos. at a time, so Sally (who was enamored w/cat) ended up with him. While Sally is out of town, which happens quite often, we care for the cat, and I love this cat, lucky for her! So I say they have joint custody of it. HAAH! Anyway, Sally is real picky, whiney and extremely self-centered. So I've had to put up w/this aspect of their relationship. She becomes very possessive of the cat especially when she's gone away, so then there's always some kind of tension between she and my husband. During the week the cat comes to visit at our place, but as soon as she gets home from work, she calls over here and gives my husband a load of her pushiness, and that she wants her cat home now, etc. He in turn argues with her about this. At first, this used to really bug the heck out of me. I like the cat as i've said before, so I've chosen to ignore this part of my feelings about her. But yes, I do feel that once one is involved w/a significant other.....boundaries should be in place and respected. Also, my husband, I do love him, but he has lousy boundaries. A couple of times Sally did and has said some things to push my buttons. Believe me, one time I almost went over there to let her have it, but then my situation is also compounded by the fact she is a neighbor. So, I decided to hold my mud. But I completely agree that loyalties should be w/the SO, no matter whether you're dealing with his or your own friends. Thanks Jitterbug, I really enjoy reading your posts!

Kloe here

On January 10th, 2012 Anonymous said:

Lol- Umm I used to think that maybe male and females can be JUST FRIENDS but actually that isnt the case at all. If im friends with a single guy- at some point one of us has expressed interest in the other.... we might have overcome that and become 'friends' but i certainly wouldn’t class them as good friends. Sometimes the guy you fancy- nothing happens so you’re left with 'friends' but it’s quite hard to be so platonic I think. I used to think it was nice to be friends with husbands of married friends because there is no worry about anyone fancying anyone and you can relax but obviously i was wrong again as I was dumped by my former ex friend because she thought who knows what about her husband and me. I wouldn’t dream of ever crossing the boundaries at all- he was just a friend but my ex friend thought something else and so...id be really wary of being friends with any married guys now. Umm I have men at work that we are ‘’work friends’’ but never socialise. I have plenty of acquaintances who are men but none of them I would get close to. So - IMO I think it’s pretty hard. At some point if two single people become friends- they will eventually get together with someone who will see you as a threat or as relationships take over you see less of them anyway and eventually the friendship will fade. Gosh, sorry- that all sounds a bit down and out but that’s just been my experience of late. I got chucked off a cliff and it hurt a lot so you know- New Year and all that but you remember the bruises don’t ya Lol

Cross-gender friendships- possible?

CGFS

I Have A Different Opinion

OS friendships

Having Friendships w/OS

Kloe here

Post new comment

Order Now

Search