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Five ways to unload a toxic friend

March 15, 2008 | By | 65 Replies Continue Reading

Contrary to the myth of best friends forever, many female friendships don’t always turn out the way we hoped they would. The friend who is constantly making one-sided demands of you is one disappointing example.

When a close friend is always in need of one thing or another—money, favors, introductions, coddling, praise, or simply more time than you have to give—the relationship begins to grow weary. You feel like you’re walking around with an emotional ball and chain around your ankle.

The term toxic friendship refers to a variety of relationships that are consistently negative and draining. The nature of these relationships is defined by patterns, not by one-time or occasional lapses in the reciprocity that is the essence of a healthy friendship.

Why would anyone put up with a friend like that? It, too, can be explained by the concept of reciprocity. Friendships continue when they are mutually satisfying—even if the relationship is toxic. Many women have a hard time extricating themselves from these relationships. These include:

• People who like to feel needed

• People who feel like they aren’t worthy of healthier, more balanced relationships

• People who are stuck—either feeling angry or sorry for their needy friend

Get real: If your truly needy friend has been that way for some time, the real possibilities of changing the relationship verge on hopeless. Yet it’s hard to find a way out. Here are some ways to unload:

1) Change the nature of your friendship by learning to say “no” and setting boundaries (e.g. “Even though we are both single, I don’t want to spend every Friday night together” or “I can’t have dinners with you after work because I need to get home to my family.”‘)

2) Tell her that you have to tend to your own needs (or those of anyone else you can think of—your mother, your kid or your cat)

3) Slip away – Spend less time with her and add other less demanding friends to your inventory

4) Take a relationship sabbatical, a well-deserved hiatus from the friendship

5) If you’ve reached the point where you feel there is nothing really to lose, simply cut loose!

Get rid of the guilt. These are people whose needs can never be satiated. No matter what you give, what you do, how much, or how often, it will never be enough. Since character tends to endure, this person probably treats other people the same way she treats you. It’s likely that many of her friends have probably already dropped out of the picture and that’s why she is so dependent on you.


This blog entry also appeared on the Huffington Post

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Category: Toxic friends

Comments (65)

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  1. A high school girlfriend lets call he victim #1 has gotten a hold of me through Facebook about 4 months ago and she is just so devastated the way our other friend from school is treating her. I never asked but for some reason victim #2 friend flat out told her don’t keep calling me. I’ve told you No you cant stay in my family cottage until you find something and no you can not stay at my & hubby’s place when you come to town for all your court hearings. Then she continues to tell me all the things she did for victim #2 when in college. How she did all of #1’s homework and don’t ask me how but she took all of #1 test as well?? How she took her here and there …blah blah blah. Then she starts with getting emotional & crying and goes on & on. So, because I’ve now
    listened to her tell me all her problems she all of a sudden has this fantastic idea to share with me??? I’m now. Victim #3. Evidently both of them have a time share in Maui. Then she tells me she has already booked her timeshare for sometime around her birthday for 6 days. She has a problem with flying from California to Maui which is 3 months away. for some reason she is unable to find a thing online and is now in a panic that she won’t be able to get a flight. So, I tell her let me check a few things out first and I will get back to you. I work nights on Med- , surg – Ortho floor 3 nights @12 hour shifts a week. I happened to be getting ready & on my way to work. I contact my husband and discuss this with him.

    I will continue with my situation again tomorrow.(if anyone know how I can paste my 10 hour email I wrote this afternoon please let me know. I want to include it with this blog).

    to be continued…
    by twistedvalentine55

  2. marjan says:

    The piont is that we who has or had a toxic friend are frustrated because they just don’t see what they are doing and not just to us but to themselves as well. There will be a point in their lives that they see what are doing and don’t see that they are digging There own graves untill it’s to late. In the hope they see what they have done to you as a so called friend.
    The chance is quite slim they will see the light. But that will not be a problem for me anymore. It’s a done deal for me.

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