Welcome Box
Ask the Friendship Doctor

The Fantasy Best Friend

February 20, 2012 | By | 4 Replies Continue Reading

Not all best friends turn out to be keepers

 

QUESTION

Irene,

I had a boyfriend for two months that I became madly in love with, and thought
he felt the same for me.  His friends constantly said they had never seen
him like this. Then, late into his birthday party, we got into a spat and
he dumped me. It was gruesome and sudden, especially for a relationship I had
deemed meaningful and important. Most importantly to me, I thought of him
as someone not only important romantically, but someone that would turn into my
best friend.

For several months he kept forcing me to see him; we’d reconnect, I would
foolishly think he had changed his feelings, then he’d disappear again. I
recently felt as though it had dragged on too long and was becoming psychologically traumatic for me, and definitively ended the relationship. I
sent him a very kind note saying I could not be his friend when I believed we
could never be that, and defriended him on Facebook (him… and his friends).  

I remain filled with remorse and
self-doubt, wondering if I acted too quickly or without cause – it is so
difficult in life to meet friends or people you truly care about. But I also
believe in the tough but important value of self-preservation. I cannot
get past this, though. It has been weeks since my note (no response), and I’ve
become virtually despondent.  


Am I acting in an emotionally healthily way? Did I do the right thing for my
long-term emotional well-being? Or was it the immature and self-detrimental
act of a rejected woman? I’d like to think about this clearly and logically. I
feel lost in self-doubt, and I can’t let it go.

Best, Alyssa

 

ANSWER

Dear Alyssa,

It’s hard to know whether someone is
best friend material after just a couple of months—especially when you’re
feeling madly in love. A strong initial attraction doesn’t necessarily mean
someone will be a keeper.

 

It’s not unusual for some individuals
to either want a best friend or romantic partner so desperately, that they
typecast someone inappropriate into the role. I’m not sure whether or not this
might have been the case for you.

 

Whether this guy was a friend or a
lover, you stood your ground and decided that you didn’t want to subject
yourself to someone who runs hot and cold. The first disappointment occurred
only two months into your relationship and then each time you reconnected, you
gave him (and yourself) multiple opportunities to try again.

 

I can understand your disappointment
but don’t look back. You need to let go of this fantasy. You absolutely did the right thing and deserve more
consistent and reliable friends than this one.

Hope this helps.

Best, Irene

 

 

Tags: , , , , , , ,

Category: Uncategorized

Comments (4)

Trackback URL | Comments RSS Feed

  1. Anonymous says:

    How you can learn to tell if someone is a friend or user is to study the concept of emotional vampires – so you can know which behaviours to watch out for.

    If someone starts out the relationship by complaining about their problems, then asking you for money or a favour, that is a user right of the bat. With the sob story they are setting you up, garnering sympathy and once you feel bad you will have trouble saying No to their requests.

    If someone complains all the time, that is a user as well. It is healthy for friends to provide a shoulder for eachother to cry on, but when someone always has a problem, that is a red flag.

    With a genuine friend the conversation will go back and forth and
    the friend will show that they have been truly listening.

    How to spot the evs in your life.

  2. Anonymous says:

    Alyssa you did the right thing for your mental, emotional and physical health. Had you stayed in this unhealthy relationship the regret of staying in such a situation for a long time would haunt you – why did I waste so much time on this relationship. The years can be filled with joy with someone who loves and respects you and doesn’t have to play games. You did do the right thing for your long term well being so you should be proud of yourself for that, no guilt needed in this situation.

    Irene is absolutely correct – what would have been was a fantasy and what was real was harsh and you decided that was not for and standing your ground and distancing yourself was a good decision. It is healthy to have boundaries and know when people are toxic and not have them in your life.

  3. Anonymous says:

    If my boyfriend and I would ever break up, I would lose my best friend and only friend.
    I have no female friends where I now live. I can make male friends that eventually want to be a boyfriend, which I don’t want.
    It is so difficult to make friends that you can trust?

  4. Anonymous says:

    great, now I ask somebody else for,advice on my friendships.If they are,true friends, or if they are, just users.

Leave a Reply

Visit GirlfriendSocial.com

css.php