Needy Friends: A Friend Indeed?

I have enjoyed reading the true emotions and grievances of people here. At times, I felt out of line for having the feelings I do. . . I have a friend that I met in high school. We were never best friends, or even personal friends (the ones you invite over your house regularly) but I considered her a friend. Her family moved away and we continued to keep in touch occasionally. Years later my family moved to the same city she was in and we reconnected. That was 5 years ago. Since then she has called me when she wanted to go somewhere (she doesn't have a car).Never calls to say hey I'm making dinner come over and relax. She keeps calling and leaving messages. She makes it impossible to ignore her, calling from blocked or other people's cell phones. I run my own business part time so I would expect it to be a client calling and it'd be her. In the beginning, I was excited to reconnect with a friend from home; someone who I could relate to, so I would make periodic trips to her house. Her family would always have a need for ME to pick someone up, take someone here, or run errands for them. You know once or twice is okay but they made a habit out of it. I was in college trying to get by on scholarship money and they would never consider their requests inappropriate. I began to keep my distance, and she would call to say that she hadn't heard from me and wanting to know what I was up to. She would invite herself out to where I was, using public transportation. By the time she arrived (at sunset), I'd be ready to go, then she'd ask for a ride home for her and the kids. I'm not going to send a young mother of two small kids home at night on the bus and train, so I'd drop them off. Ever since we reconnected, she has been in a poor relationship that she had her children from. She struggles to provide for her kids (she doesn't work) and is dependent on the kids' father to supply their needs. Through the years he's been caught up with the law. I had my own problems to deal with and while in college,and focused on ways to remain positive. She always called with some draining story about how she needs things and doesn't have a way to get them. She complains about the way her life is going and just wants someone to understand. After graduating college, she began to call a lot more for rides to "just get out of the house". She kept laying on the guilt that I was her only real friend that was positive and doing something with her life. I'm single with no kids, employed, and busy. That's very humble of her, but our friendship was so imbalanced. I wasn't receiving any form of reciprocation, just needs and more needs and wants. I didn't want to confide in her, because my problems seemed so much better than hers. All of this carpooling was at my expense. She would NEVER offer any gas money or to pay for a small meal while we were out. I am totally aware that she didn't work but everytime I see her, she had a fresh pedicure and waxed eyebrows. I do not live anywhere close to her. A one way trip is 25 miles, and I have to fasten kiddie seats and listen to her drama. She badmouthed the girls we went to high school with for not sending her kids gifts and baby items. I'm like everyone isn't going to cater to your issues, people have their own. Get up and do for yourself. She would always say things like "You're the only friend I feel like hanging out with today" and its clearly because her other friends with cars have kids too and both of their families won't fit. My parents have an 8 passenger SUV and my needy friend would call to see if I could use that to fit more people in for a mall trip. I did demand gas money from her while driving it and she gave me three dollars for a 45 mile trip she requested. I no longer enjoy her company. She expects to get a pass on being held accountable. I don't mind helping people but I believe that for the inconvenience, she should be willing to reasonably compensate me. She thinks because she's got 2 kids that her enjoyment should be had at other people's expense. For a couple years now I've kept my distance and tried to place myself in her shoes...that's what brings me to help her. Its really drained me. I want to believe in her that she will improve her life and become more independent. How do you tell someone that you no longer want to be friends? (That their all out of favors and trips to jail visitations.) Without killing them (I know she'd be crushed) I value my other friendships because they have quality and depth. Honestly, I wonder what type of friend she would be if she were in a better position, that's what keeps me distantly loyal. Please help!!!

Warning: This is long and it's still an overview of my problem! I am 45 years old and had a friend for about 10 years who is 33. We worked together closely for 8 of those years. The first few years I knew her we didn't do a lot with one another outside of work.I had just had twins. After about 3 years we began to hang out and became pretty close. There have always been times during our early friendship where I would get annoyed with her impulsive behavior or rudeness. So we would go a few weeks without doing much and it would get better. She soon got married to a nice man closer to her age and had children of her own. Seems like since then she has been very possessive of me. She would act jealous if I did things with other mutual friends that didn't include her. While she was pregnant she wanted everyone to come to her house of go where she wanted. While I was pregnant and with young children I stayed home...she went out, and that was fine. She has always been good to support me and listen to me vent about problems I had with my husband, but she always felt uncomfortable around him, so we never did couples things. This winter I found myself getting irritated with everything she said and did. She would make impulsive and inappropriate posts on facebook. Even joking about my husband and using his name. When I would confront her about it, she would always turn it around and somehow make it out to be my fault. During our friendship she would always want to know who was texting me, and would ask in a way that meant she couldn't believe anyone but her should be texting me. She called me everyday and texted me sometimes 3 or 4 times a day, sometimes having entire conversations. I origionally had to get unlimited texting because of her. Recently she began spreading a rumor and I got tangled up in it because of being her friend. It caused me problems at work. She would not drop it, and would continuously bring it up at parties and lie to me and say other people where talking about it. I decided that I'd had enough! I needed to stop spending so much time dealing with her and spend time working on my marriage (that was struggling) and focusing on my children. I began the process of pulling away from my friend. She of course eventually noticed that I was always making excuses about hanging out with her. I explained to her that I was focusing intently on my family and hadn't done anything social without them for many months. When she would drink she would text me saying things like "Don't you need me?", "Can't you work on your marriage and be my friend too?" I would always be nice and tell her I was her friend but this was something I needed to do. Eventually she began making commments on facebook about friendships, what is a good friend, and how she was thankful for the new friends she had made. I got tired of feeling like her posts where digs toward me so I got off of facebook for a week. During that time she blocked me from seeing her posts...and one of my friends told me she posted "Cie la vie!" Then two back to back posts about friendships and true friends etc. Since my goal was to not have to see her posts, and she fixed that, I got back on facebook and began posting about activities I was participating in and just went on living my life. Just a few days ago she sent me a long email that seemed kind of like her way of getting closure. It was nice, but was sprinkled with the ways she felt hurt etc. It angered me because she was the one who blocked me and wrote comments about me. She made comments about me making new friends and doing new things, which isn't true but I felt she must've been reading my posts on facebook. All I asked for was time and space. I had hoped that eventually we could socialize again, but in a more realistic adult capacity. I just feel like talking and texting everyday is a lot to ask of a friend who is married with children. A lot of times I felt like she was treating me like someone who broke off a romantic relationship with her. Many of my other friends would ask me if she was gay and maybe in love with me? It really began to creep me out a little that she professed to be so happy in her job, with her husband and family yet she obessed over my need for space to work on my marriage. To me, it seemed like she thought a good friendship was like the kind you have when you are a girl, single with no responsibilities. I felt like she just liked having me at her disposal, always answering every text and phone call. I would've like to be able to talk to her about this, and be more honest about my feelings but everytime I've tried in the past it's just more drama and she always tries to turn things back on me. I was just tired and felt like it wasn't worth the fight. My marriage and children are the most important things in my life. If she couldn't respect my need to devote my time to them however I saw fit, then she is not the type of friend I want.

One thing I have learned is that just because someone reaches out to you to become friends, it's no guarantee that you have a compatible friendship style and therefore, will remain friends. Part of a healthy friendship is the establishment of appropriate boundaries. When there is a disagreement as to the extent of those boundaries, conflict will occur and it's up to the two of them to decide if the relationship will continue. And if one party doesn't want to continue, then it can't really continue, now can it?

I have a friend I very much care about. I like spending time with her, but since she got married not long ago things have changed. She is currently unemployed and I became unemployed recently. She likes coming over to my place which I don't mind and I enjoy her company, but one thing that stops me from inviting her over is that she always wants to stay over for dinner or lunch, and when it is time to leave she insists that I drop her off at the bus stop (by walking, I don't drive). This was all very well in the beginning and I was happy to go along with her, but recently I feel I need to have time more to myself to figure out what I want from life. Her outlook in life is kind of gloomy and insists that she is being realistic and that I am the naieve one. I am a very independent person and enjoy different people's company, I like doing things and going out and having a good time and generally be positive about everything, and I manage to do this although I don't have a job. However when my friend is around she prefers to stay at my place all day long, we can't go out. And when we do go out she is without money and I end up paying for her lunch or anything else that she may need and never pays me back. I even raised the issue of the money that she owes me, but she weasels her way out of it. I don't expect anything from her anymore. I care about our friendship, but recently I just feel I am bogged down around her and our friendship is one sided. It has become regular of her to expect of me to provide food for her when we go out, I just feel like telling her that I'm not your husband. Like the others on this forum, I am a quiet, shy person and am constantly aware and sensitive to others emotions. I have very few friends. I try to distance myself from her but I don't want to lose her because she is my closest friend, but I don't want to be used either. I am writing here because Im not sure how I feel about her and I need some outside opinions, because I just find it hard to believe my friend for a long time could be manipulating me. Maybe if I get some views I could look at it from a different point of view which I can't do right now. So please tell me what you think.

While my situation is not as intense as most, I thought this would be a good place to vent. About three years ago, I became friends with my nextdoor neighbor. She is very nice and has a good heart. But as time went on, her life drama and crises became more and more frequent and I was the one she called to "vent". And she would push and push for us to get together. (And just FYI, I am a bit of a loner and don't think I have ever once felt lonely, I love the peace and serenity that comes from being alone.) She also was pushing me to become more involved in issues that were important to her. Being a Small Business owner and recently becoming caretaker for my mother, I don't have the energy or the time for a lot of the things that I used to. All of my other friends get this about me and they understand it and know that I will ALWAYS be there for them and I know they will ALWAYS be there for me as well, no matter if we speak everyday or once in a few months or more. Anyway, over the last month and a half or so, I have been trying to distance myself from her little by little... trying to explain that business has gotten busy and my mother has been taking a lot of my time and energy (which are both actually true). I have been doing this because I just cannot stand that every single day she is calling me and crying and/or whining about how something in her life is in crisis (usually, something very minor, at least to me anyway). She drains all of my energy everytime we talk or get together. Now, don't get me wrong, she has also been very supportive of me when I run into a rough patch, however, I am a very strong, independent and positive person, so my rough patches are few and far between. I spoke with her on Friday and she asked what I was doing that evening. I told her I was going to the dentist and coming home to catch up on some work. I also explained to her that my business was growing and I probably was going to have less and less time available for get togethers (I tried to say this as pleasantly and diplomatically as possible). She immediately said she had to get off the phone. She called me later and left me a message (in tears of course). She said she was tired of "hitting a wall" and being told that I was too busy. That she thought that she had done a good job trying to be supportive of my life and my dreams but know she's not sure. She said she is going to "back-off" and if I wanted to call her, I was more than welcome, but she would not be calling me. It seemed to me that she was trying to say that I have not been a very good friend to her. Well, I think I have been a GREAT friend to her and putting up with all of her obsessiveness and negativity. So, now I am just plain angry that she could even say these things to me!!! But at the same time, it's making me doubt my values and integrity of being a friend to others. In addition to being a "loner", I am also a conflict avoider. As much as I would like to call this person and let her know just what I'm thinking of her, I know I won't. Don't know if this will be the end of the friendship, but i do know that no matter what I do or don't do is never enough for her and I'm tired of trying!!! Thanks for letting me vent!!!!

Thank you very much for the excellent and useful subject.

I am the clingy friend you're all talking about. Some of us can't stop this behavior no matter how much we try. We do it out of anguish. But we do understand you. When you leave, deep inside some of us will understand it, we feel guilty, no matter what we say or do. So don't be afraid to leave us. It's not only that the world can't stand us, that's because we can't stand ourselves, and when we find someone who seems to perceive us as someone valuable and worthy of love, we need you to make us feel that way. It's literally like a drug.