Needy Friends: A Friend Indeed?

I have often heard and read about "needy" or emotionally draining friendships. While I do not support people who use friends or are financially dependent on their friends, I do have to speak up for the people who go to friends to vent, cry or share the details about their crises to a friend. Remember that there are people who have gone through really traumatic experiences such as: rape, murder of a loved one, victim or a crime, divorce, infidelity or other betrayal, etc. Some people just have it harder in life and I think we need to remember that. I have experienced some of the crises I listed above and I can tell you that I would have preferred not to have the experience in the first place instead of dishing to a friend about it. Before judging your friends, ask yourself: "Have I been through went my friend is experiencing?" If you haven't, then think very carefully before you judge, as you don't know how you would react. You may have been an even worse emotional trainwreck. Even if your friend seems to be upset over something that seems insignificant, it could be that they have endured other harrowing experiences that they haven't told you about and they just want things to go smoothly for a change. I'm a pretty charitable person, so I don't mind being there for friends in need. There are billions of people on this planet and very few people who actually love you and will be there for you when you are at your worst. An acquaintance tried to commit suicide a few years ago. No one knew he was so troubled. He was quiet and he never shared his sadness or depression with anyone. Perhaps, if he were not afraid of being "needy" or "emotionally draining" or some other label, we would have been able to help him earlier. Think before judging. You may be saving someone's life without even knowing it.

I have a friend I very much care about. I like spending time with her, but since she got married not long ago things have changed. She is currently unemployed and I became unemployed recently. She likes coming over to my place which I don't mind and I enjoy her company, but one thing that stops me from inviting her over is that she always wants to stay over for dinner or lunch, and when it is time to leave she insists that I drop her off at the bus stop (by walking, I don't drive). This was all very well in the beginning and I was happy to go along with her, but recently I feel I need to have time more to myself to figure out what I want from life. Her outlook in life is kind of gloomy and insists that she is being realistic and that I am the naieve one. I am a very independent person and enjoy different people's company, I like doing things and going out and having a good time and generally be positive about everything, and I manage to do this although I don't have a job. However when my friend is around she prefers to stay at my place all day long, we can't go out. And when we do go out she is without money and I end up paying for her lunch or anything else that she may need and never pays me back. I even raised the issue of the money that she owes me, but she weasels her way out of it. I don't expect anything from her anymore. I care about our friendship, but recently I just feel I am bogged down around her and our friendship is one sided. It has become regular of her to expect of me to provide food for her when we go out, I just feel like telling her that I'm not your husband. Like the others on this forum, I am a quiet, shy person and am constantly aware and sensitive to others emotions. I have very few friends. I try to distance myself from her but I don't want to lose her because she is my closest friend, but I don't want to be used either. I am writing here because Im not sure how I feel about her and I need some outside opinions, because I just find it hard to believe my friend for a long time could be manipulating me. Maybe if I get some views I could look at it from a different point of view which I can't do right now. So please tell me what you think.

Indeed, the friend moving across the street takes the cake! I've met sooooooooo many people like this. (Not sure why my paragraphs aren't separated on this site) Nurturers naturally attract these people. I have also noticed that if you grew up with a parent (or other family member) like this, you can repeat this type of relationship. It can really be a type of puzzle. When one attracts the same type of friend or mate over and over, it's an opportunity to grow stronger by dealing with this person creatively, directly, and many times sternly. These types of relationships are one-way streets. To have the life you want to have, you MUST ENFORCE BOUNDARIES (sometimes this means a PPO.........not that those mean much to the seriously 'disturbed' cases). I used to let people rule my time, and throughout my 20s, I became a very resentful person. I felt robbed of time I wanted to use on my own personal goals. I have to practice what I've learned again tonight on a person that just moved into our apartment building. I realized they need boundaries set when they sat and talked on and on after I explained that my disabled child doesn't leave me with much time for my studies! *Here is what has helped me. First, it's true that you teach people how to treat you. Maya Angelou has said that, and someone posted it here as well. It's up to you to take the helm! No one is gonna step in and save you (no matter how many times you click your heels....or boots). In the initial stages of friendship and acquaintances, I make it a point to tell people that I'm a loner and that I value my solitude. I drop all the hints right away. I don't do un-announced visits. I'm always working on my art or doing things with my children. If they don't get it, I make myself unavailable. If they still don't get it, you have to say as nicely as possible, "I don't have time for a social life (or whatever you need to say). I have a family, job, project, that I need to deal with alone. You may have to say 'we can't see each other anymore'. If they don't get that, then you probably have a straight-up psycho on your hands, and you may end up involving the law. Lastly, don't feel guilty. I have a moderately mentally unstable friend who I still talk to. Somewhere, somehow, he learned that I love him no matter how long between phone calls. (Straight girl/gay boy relationships can be dramatic, passive-aggressive messes sometimes). He even said that even though I hate talking on the phone, he knows I will call him when I'm ready and that I've been there for him when it counted (deaths). Real friends can NOT talk for years and pick up where they left off with no guilt trips or hard feelings. Hey, and I think my cat finally stopped taking it personally as well :o)

I am the clingy friend you're all talking about. Some of us can't stop this behavior no matter how much we try. We do it out of anguish. But we do understand you. When you leave, deep inside some of us will understand it, we feel guilty, no matter what we say or do. So don't be afraid to leave us. It's not only that the world can't stand us, that's because we can't stand ourselves, and when we find someone who seems to perceive us as someone valuable and worthy of love, we need you to make us feel that way. It's literally like a drug.

I have been friends with the most needy, self absorbed, delusional person for nearly 8 years now. This woman can be absolutely toxic at times to the point that I have panic attacks when I feel trapped into interacting with her lately. This has never really been a 50/50 sort of relationship. I tend to be a loner by choice and I'm quite content to be with my husband and 3 kids with minimal if any social interaction. My friend knows this but for some reason doesn't understand that it not only applies to her but has been made worse by her. Of course, as these things go, I am her ONLY friend.

This is the balls to the walls bizarre part that has thrown this relationship into crazytown -she just MOVED from 3 states away and bought a house DIRECTLY across the street from mine 3 months ago. Yes, she's 20 steps from my front door at nearly all times. My life has become a nightmare and now I'm completely trapped in this beyond ridiculous situation with a woman who treats me passive aggressively and is intensely critical of me. She involves herself in my life, unsolicitedly, and is completely obsessed with me. I feel stalked. I hardly, if ever, initiate contact but she's always calling me to tell me that she is hungry or tired or bored or whatever meaningless b.s. is going on with her. She always acts as though her completely mundane activities should be my concern all the way down to her bowels. Yet at the very same time she is completely uninterested in how I feel or what I think about pretty much everything. Oh, except for fashion. That we can discuss ad nauseum during my forced weekly project runway viewing.

After three months of living as neighbors my "friend" now knows my daily schedule by heart and injects herself into my basic daily errands like shopping trips and jogging - rudely and forcefully - if necessary. She'll decide that WE MUST make such and such for dinner TONIGHT and will not take no for an answer no matter what the heck is going on in my life at the moment. She'll become literally hostile when I don't comply as she expects me to. I eventually give in though sometimes it takes days for her to wear me down to a particular commitment, she'll persist. I'm strong but this woman is crazy and I don't stand a chance. She will not except anything but what she expects of me no matter how unreasonable it is or how I resist. I have yet to erect any meaningful or lasting boundaries in this relationship because she's unbelievably mean and evil when things don't go her way. She's known for sending her military husband out like a rabid dog to crew out anyone who crosses her (of course, he's a victim too -quite a delightful man actually, poor guy). She freaks the helk out causing havoc of all proportions when she gets called on ANYTHING. Literally. Anything.

I felt trapped before when she called me everyday from across the country now I don't know what to do. She makes plans for me that she expects me to keep, calls me 5 sometimes 10 times a day and sends upwards of 20 texts -not to mention she finds ways to manipulate me into running errands with her or insist we take our kids to the park on her schedule. She guilts me into feeling sorry for her though I don't, of course, she manipulates my behaviour by making it inconvenient for me to be noncompliant.

I love the life that my family and I had built here at our home of two years. She has nothing here but me and I have everything here but I need to get away from her. I cant just up and move away from my life, my family, my husbands job, kids school -everything. She may just follow me wherever we go anyway so the effort my be completely futile.

I feel absolutely helpless. Please, if you took the time to read this, take a moment to send a prayer or a positive thought my way. I could certainly use it.

hey im james and i have such a needy male friend! it's destroying me! we became really good friends in school and did a lot of things together, in retrospect he helped me out a lot and did a lot of favours for me at that time (however i have since learnt that i know him 'owe' him for everything he has done for me) a couple of months ago, i decided i wanted to end it. it was so mentally draining being his friend; have an argument, make up, argument, make up, it's a vicious circle. So i told him i wanted to stop being so close to him and then he used the old trick in the book when he made me feel bad blah blah. A couple of days later he was texting me how is life is so shit and he needs me in his life. We met up and we agreed to try again. That was a mistake. now it's: -Texts every bloody day (and if i dont text him then he gets angry at me0 -he moans and complains about how he hates life, and the next min hes completely fine -I can't go out with other people because he wants to know why i didnt invite him as well -get's furious when i can't stay round his house - when he's drunk hes go's crazy and angry and won't let me out of his sight -so demanding jeezus, its killing me, just got a text rigth now - and he wants to see me! i cant be bothered to see you!! i have a life to live!!!! arrrghhh! .....anyway, im calm, im clam! :) x

i kind of have a problem with this new friend of mine. i have known her for a year at school, on and off, and we have hung out together a couple of times. but this summer we decided to hang out together since both of us felt kind of bored. the thing is, i know she decided to become friends with me since she has a lot of problems going on and she needs a helping friend to talk to. i'm a very sympathetic person and so i was happy to listen to her and encourage her. but the thing is, it's been a month now and it's kinda getting tiring to me. most of the time she's talking about herself and i feel like it's too self-absorbed if I talk about any of my problems, which are i guess not THAT bad in comparison to her problems. Moreover, she keeps telling me how people in the past have left her since she was too much of a burden for them, and says it's fine if I call it quits. I say it's fine because a)I really like her and want to be her friend b) don't want to hurt her feelings. But now that I think about it, I don't know if I want to continue being friends with her. I feel like I'm not being assertive enough about myself and it's developing into a one-sided relationship. Now that I really think about it, I have always been very passive with my friends and it's THEM who called and reached out to me most of the time and who asked me for help. For some reason I feel guilty and pretentious asking for help, however small/big it is. Obviously there's more to the story, but what do you think I should do? Should I stick with this new friend and see how our relationship develops or just call it quits? Thanks for venting.

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Hi, I have a similar problem. A woman I met at work 4 years ago seemed really nice. We hit it off and would see each other outside of work. I must point out, however, that my husband does not care for her husband so much. They have nothing in common. Anyways, over one year ago, she went psycho on her daughter and her boyfriend. I was in the car with her and she started following them on the highway. All the while, she was yelling profanity and giving them the finger. She was speeding and pulling up next to them on the highway. I was so scared. I think that that is when I started to resent everything about her. She constantly has issues with her children, her brother, her mother and talks incessantly about it. I now realize why she has only two other friends - she probably drove all the others away. Another thing is that she purchased my husband's best friend's house and she had water in the basement. She ended up suing them and constantly badmouths them. My husband is upset because his relationship with his friend is for keeps. Anyways, last New Year's eve, these friends were over at our house for supper and the phone rang. I did not recognize the number (I hardly pick up when I know it's her) and picked up and it was her inquiring as to if, as she puts it, those 'f......' were at our house as they drove by and saw their truck. I immediately felt like she was invading my privacy. Furthermore, since January, I have had to deal with my Dad's illness, his eventual passing in April, my mother-in-law's illness and her imminent death, my mother's dependency on me as well as a sister-in-law's demands. I must point out that both my parents and in-laws live over one hour away from me and I must travel every weekend to be by their sides. I have tried on numerous occasions to explain to this friend that right now I am not able to give her what she needs. I am overwhelmed with everything in my life. She keeps e-mailing, calling and claiming that she cares about me and wishes that I would let her help me. I do not see this as caring but rather as needy. I have not asked for her help but rather her distance. Another thing she does is show up at my house unannounced, sometimes alone, sometimes with her husband. My husband and I are very private and do not appreciate this intrusion. If she shows up and I'm already in my pyjamas, I resent her so much. Also, if I decide to return her call (out of obligation), she assumes that she can just come over to my house instead. She stays past my bedtime and annoys me. The last straw was last week when she called and I did not pick up. She actually called another friend of mine and asked if she had heard anything from me as she was worried. She then e-mailed me and asked why I was not picking up the phone as she drove by the house and my car was there. I think that this borders on stalking. I wanted to tell her off right then and there but have to be diplomatic about it as we work in the same establishment. I e-mailed her back and again reiterated the stresses that I was currently under and that she would need to give me some time to sort things out. I felt like an enormous amount of stress had been lifted off my shoulders. However, I dread the eventual contacts that I will have to have with her. Has anyone ever experienced this? I

I have been best friends with one of my cousins for over 8 years. We were always sort of close, but when she got divorced and I was going through the death of my best friend, we really leaned on each other and became best friends. In hindsight, we may have replaced our old friends with each other. She lost a lot of friends in the divorce and I had lost my best friend. Things were great until about two years ago. When we first became friends, we would see each other when we were both free. It never felt like an obligation. Then a couple of years ago, we got into a routine where we would get together about twice a week since that is what our work schedule permitted. After a while, I started to notice that any time I made other plans on one of those days, she would get really upset and ask why I didn't like being around her anymore. Even if it was just one afternoon out of the month! I would explain that there were things I needed to get done on at least one of my free days, and she would say, "Look, if you don't want to hang out with me anymore, just tell me." I would tell her I loved hanging out with her, but things got worse. One day she called me at work, and I hadn't told her I was taking a vacation day that day. She called and yelled at me for not telling her, and then told me she needed to get friends that would treat her with enough respect to tell her if they don't want to spend time with her anymore. Now she calls my work periodically to check and make sure I didn't take off. She expects to be notified if I do take a day off because I must spend it with her. No matter how much I reassure her that I like being around her but I need some time to myself, she continues to take it personally. What's really strange is that if she tells me she can't do anything with me on one of the days we usually hang out and I say that it's fine, she gets mad at me for not getting mad. She'll say, "I guess you didn't want to see me anyway." She also now monopolizes most of the time we spend together, lectures me as if she's my mother, complains about everything in her life and still gets mad if I don't dedicate all my time to her. The only time we have any fun anymore is if we don't talk for weeks (because one of us is out of the city or somebody has to work weekends a couple weeks in a row). Then when we talk next, she is really sweet and it's like how it was when we first became friends. I don't want to cut her out of my life, since I know we still have those fun times. I also can't avoid her because she is part of my family and our family has a lot of get-togethers. But I can't take the possessiveness anymore and I don't know how to handle it without causing a family rift. Does anyone have any advice on how to handle a needy friend who is also a needy family member?

I am so glad I found this website. I have ended a friendship of over 20 years. We were best friends. But about three years ago everything changed. I had started seen a man and the relationship was going well. I was studying abraod but still kept in contact with my friend. She was single and seemed happy that I had met someone nice. She always seemed so strong and independent. All of a sudden I started to get text messages at 3 and 4 am saying that men were assholes and why couldn't she meet a nice guy. I reasured her she would meet some1 when the time was right and not to worry. She met a guy but it ended badly. Then she went into a rebound relationship which ended quickly. When I came home for holidays she hounded me to go out. Id do out and she was obsessed with meeting a guy. I went back to college and soon she met someone and I barely heard from her. When I graduated and returned home she was on cloud nine. she talked about her boyfriend constantly, how great he was how he was her best freind, how she didn't want to lose him... If i mentioned my boyfriend she would quickly change the subject back to hers. I didn't see rnuch of her until all of a sudden things were going bad in her relationship and she was constantly texting and ringing for advice talking for an hour if i let her. I told her she was too needy and that was pushing him away. All of a sudden everything was wrong , her job, her family, her car, the list was endless. I tried to listen because I realised she was insecure and I wanted to help but it got to the stage where I couldn't cope. I was having my own problems and I no knew I couldn't help her. I suggested she see a professional but she said she was fine. I lost my job and was unemployed for a few months . i was very down but she just kept on moaning, constant calls, texts and coming to my house crying and talking for hours. I was emotionally drained. Then she found out her boyfriend had cheated. She stayed with him but still used me to vent evertything. He eventually ended it and she lost it completely. I spent 4 months trying to help her. I then distanced myself from her as I cudn't take any more. I eventually confronted her and told her that i couldn't help anymore and she turned on me. She sent me reems of abusive texts. I was so hurt and didn't even respond to her. I eventually changed my number after the abuse kept coming, I still feel guilty that I couldn't do anymore for her. Why do I feel guilty and will these feelings go away? I dread bumping into her as I can't cope with any more abuse from her.

Hi I am 15 years old and my best friend is 16. I have just realized how needy she is. She is always asking for advice and support and simpathy. She has had this stomach problem for the longest time and she is always complaining! It drives me insane. And recently I have become friends with my ex bff and shhas not handled that well she never wants me alone with anyone but her and she is always needing reasurance that she is my beat friend and that she will never be replaced. I hate this and I know that I am getting nothing out of this friend ship but I can't just leave her because we have been grinds for as long as I can remem

I found this site after doing a web search for "needy friend". I think I'm just looking for closure to a "friendship" that has thankfully ended. Why I put up with such a self-centered needy person for those few months is puzzling to me. The endless whining phone calls, the fear of this person of spending any time alone, the embarrassing social faux pas, it was all such a pain! This was unusual as it was a male friend who has many feminine qualities, I am a woman about 18 years older. Despite the fact that I made it clear that I wouldn't date him, he was desperate to find a woman to replace his former dysfunctional relationship, and kept hoping to slide into the role of "boyfriend" in my life. When it became clear that he would never be anymore than a "girlfriend" to me, he disappeared! I suppose I thought I could help him, and I had a curiosity about how anyone could be so needy and clueless. The experiment became a social disaster for me, as I did not want to be associated with someone who behaved so poorly. What really pushed my tolerance to the limit was when he could not extend the same courtesy to a really good girlfriend of mine, that I had shown him (they were both beginning kayakers). Such is the way with the self-absorbed. I say "Ditch 'em!"