Leaving a friend behind

QUESTION:

Dear Irene,

I was recently made redundant, had been working in a high powered job and decided to move to a different county to explore what it is i actually want to do, have been volunteering to discover, anyway my closest friend whom i've been friends with for over 10 years has hardly been contacting me, any time i'm back home i always make an effort but she hasn't been asking me how i'm getting on just doesn't seem interested and it really hurts because i'm on such a journey and want so much to share it with her but she's always talking about herself and looks bored when i tell her about how i'm doing.

I now think that maybe she was envious that i'm off doing something different because she hates her job so much and spends 4 hours a day travelling to and from. It's really bothering me at the moment because i am always supportive of anything she does and i know if it was the other way around i'd be on the phone to her all the time wondering what she's up to. I did confront her and asked her if i had done anything to her and she just disregarded it and started talking about work. any advice on how to handle it would be much appreciated

Signed,

Anonymous

ANSWER:

Dear Anonymous:

A former neighbor on my block told me in confidence that she was going to move at the end of the school year. She asked me to please not tell a soul---get this, she was worried that other moms wouldn’t agree to playdates with her four-year-son when they found out about the family’s upcoming move.

It seemed kind of far-fetched to me at the time but there are people who only want to have friendships of convenience. As long as you are centered in their universe, they will be your friend. But if you move, either geographically or psychologically, they lose interest in the friendship and are unwilling to extend themselves. Perhaps that’s the kind of thinking shared by your friend. She may have written you off because you have left her universe.

Another thought: A journey of self-discovery, like the one upon which you have embarked, is rarely as exciting to the friends you’ve left behind as it is to the individual who is on the journey. Your friend may not be interested in the blow-by-blow of the story, but will probably be very interested in how it ends.

To meet your own needs to communicate and understand your experience, I would recommend that you keep a journal so that you regularly record your experiences and feelings during this exciting time. I would also suggest that you try to fully immerse yourself and make new friends in your new environment. 

Also, don’t write off your friend yet. She may simply be distracted by other things or have some transitory feelings of envy or distance towards you that will abate when you return to her turf. Keep in touch but don't deluge her with the details.

In any event, congratulations on your new beginning!

My best,

Irene