QUESTION
Dear Irene,
I am struggling with a friend that said she needs "space." I realize she is in a trying time in her life. Her mother in dying of cancer and she's currently finishing up her master's degree. I am trying to give her the space she needs, but at the same time I am totally heartbroken in thinking that maybe she is pulling away from our friendship.
I've
experienced the loss of a friendship before because the person "needed
space" and only later did I find out that they just wanted to cut out the
friendship. To this day, being cut out of someone's life and not fully knowing
why has been one of the most painful experiences I have ever gone
through.
Anyway, my friend said she no longer has time to text. She and I used to text all of the time. What I don't understand is how someone could have NO time. Couldn't she at least try to set aside one night a week? Texting and talking to her at night was one of the things I've really enjoyed. In one email she wrote me she said her time for all friends was changing, but I am starting to believe this is a lie.
It somehow
spilled out in a brief conversation at church that she had gone out with some
friends for dinner during the weekend. Clearly she has time for SOME friends.
She said the only time that we can see each other is at church. Half the time I
can barely make it to church the same days she can and I can hardly justify
seeing someone at church as being friends. To add to that, her partner sat
between she and I during Saturday church further reinforcing that she wants
distance between us.
Words can't describe just how heartbroken I am. Since I feel like she is trying to pull away and slowly cut ties to a friendship I can't stop crying at night thinking about it. She said she would always support me---and my decisions---but if I have hardly any contact with her then I don't understand how this can be friendship.
I am also SO hurt because I had helped her with her master's project taking pictures. It involved going to nightly rehearsals and taking many photos of the cast and crew (it was a drama project based thing). What hurts me most is the little thanks I got. I literally spent HOURS and HOURS of my time helping her out. I know she is a friend, but I totally feel used. I got a thank you card, which was a nice gesture, but for all the time I put into helping her out I feel totally used. I thought she'd at least take me for dinner or thank me in some other way,
I want my old friend back---the friend that enjoyed talking to me, that always seemed excited to see me and that genuinely seemed to care about me. How do I approach this situation? Do I tell her how I feel? Do you think she understands how hurt I feel? I am just very confused and hurt. I spent a year developing an amazing friendship with her only for her to turn around and now say she basically doesn't want to talk except at church. Of all the people in my life I always thought she'd be the last one to try cut the ties to a friendship, yet it feels like it's happening all over again and I am heartbroken.
Signed, Nicole
ANSWER
Dear Nicole,
I'm so sorry you are feeling this hurt. Your friend is pulling away from you and hasn't been forthcoming in telling you why. Regardless of the reasons (which might have to do with her, with you, or some combination of the two), you have no choice but to give her the distance she's seeking. It sounds like you tried to talk to her to no avail.
You are correct: A cordial relationship at church, with her partner between you, is far different than the relationship you once had. Whether she is spending more time with her mother, her schoolwork, other friends, or her partner, she has decided she has no time for you.
It is understandable that you are mourning the loss of a close friendship. Coming on the heels of another loss, both without any clear explanation, has to make it even more painful.
When someone is dependent on one friend and then is rebuffed unilaterally, the loss can feel devastating. It will take some time to get over. Are there lessons to be learned? Perhaps, you need to approach friendships more slowly and really get to know someone before you become so closely enmeshed emotionally. Perhaps, you need to find more than one friend, so you aren't so dependent on any one individual.
Hope this helps.
My best, Irene
Some prior posts on The Friendship Blog about getting dumped by a friend:
- Ditched by a friend
- Getting over getting dumped
- Devastated over being dumped: Control what you can
- Why did she dump me?
- Why did my best friend dump me?
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Irene S. Levine
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Lesson to be Learned
Please put yourself in her place. Maybe she is getting the emotional support from the other friends that she perceives she cannot get from you. Maybe those people know what it is to lose a loved one to terminal illness. Maybe she doesn't have the emotional wherewith all to deal with you right now, which is possible. I currently have friends that I have to have special "energy" for because they're needier than most people.
The other reality is that we all like to think we are helpful and are being helpful and supportive when the other person may perceive us as intrusive, maybe even insensitive and paternalistic in our offers to help. Maybe she's been meaning to pull away before but was too "chicken" to do it and now has the perfect reason to distance herself, hoping you'd understand.
As a measure of emotional health, learn to resolve yourself to never become miserable over another friendship. Accept that many will be situational and seasonal because people are imperfect and will err; and some people, are frankly, jerks. It takes a long time to tell who's who. And people change: nice people become not so nice, good people can turn bad, and once friendly people can pull away. Such is life. We also can't bank our happiness on individuals for this reason. It's not a rosy picture but it is realistic and might help you to have a perspective that is self-preserving.
Dear lesson to be learned
Ditch her back again and how!!!!
It's Not You, It's Her
My heart goes out to you. I know how painful losing a friend can be. My college roommate and friend of over thirty years dumped me with no explanation, then complete silence for the past five years. We had been in each other's weddings; given each other baby showers; she and her husband were the first to see our baby in the hospital; she came to my mother's funeral. She moved to another state but we still visited and kept in touch. When her mother passed away, I offered to go up to see her, and that's when she cut me off with no explanation. Despite multiple attempts to connect, she would not return my cards, calls or emails.
This painful enigma will always be with me on some level. I have accepted the fact that it will never be resolved, but it still hurts five years later. I can offer you the following suggestions:
Try to understand that this is more about her than about you. You never know everything that is going on in another person's life. You have clues, such as this woman's mother dying of cancer; loss or anticipated loss of a parent can have profound effect on a person. It is possible she cannot deal with all the feelings this situation is bringing up or her. She may actually want to distance from "real" friends who know her vulnerabilities, because she wants to "be strong" and to her that means hiding her feelings.
But it could be any number of things. As much as we think we know people, there is so much under the surface that we cannot know. There are many unconscious things going on, too, of which the friend herself may not even be aware. I learned from my situation to accept the mystery of other human beings, and to forgive, which is one of the hardest responses with a friend who has abandoned you and won't explain why.
More than what's on surface
Take a deep breath...
empathy
Time does heal all
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