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Best Friends: She loves me, she loves me not

September 30, 2011 | By | 4 Replies Continue Reading

QUESTION

Hello Irene,

I am having a really hard time with my best friend. This whole relationship
started out quite differently. She was attracted to me and fell in love with me
at the very beginning. I reciprocated these feelings for a while but ultimately
realized we weren’t a match, and decided we needed to focus on the friendship
because she had, in fact, become my best friend.

 

She stayed in love with me although it
was not what I thought was best or wanted; she was very depressed about my
decision. I still spent everyday with her and we were so close. She always
cared for me and showed me this amazing love that I’ve grown accustomed to.

We recently moved in together and everything has changed. She is always trying
to become physical with me and sometimes I do give in. However, I was always
the strong one in the relationship and she now seems to be taking over that
role.

 

After telling me for three years she
loves me and wants to be with me, she now suddenly doesn’t feel that way. It
seems she is no longer interested in spending time with me (when that used to
be ALL she wanted to do), and she seems to be "living it up" with
other people and acting so differently from the person I have always known.
What is going on?

 

This is so hard for me to deal with and
I don’t really know why. I want her back…I miss the way she treated me, she
was so caring and would do anything for me. Now I feel lonely and like she is
coming out on top and I am left behind. I am very depressed and this is so
unlike me. I have tried talking to her and she seems to understand that she is
pulling away but she can’t tell me why or when this sudden change took place.
She knows she still loves me and wants to be physical with me but she is
curious to see what else is out there.

 

I am telling you, I don’t even
recognize this person. I really want her to be the same best friend I have
always known. Its strange, she has been so consistent for so long but now is changing the way she acts towards me which makes me very unsure of
how to act around her. It is so uncomfortable and I can’t shake this feeling of
wanting to keep her the same. I miss my
best friend so very much. What do I do? Will she come back to me?

Signed,

Amy

 

ANSWER

Dear Amy,

It sounds like this relationship was fraught with ambiguity
from the beginning: You’ve been best friends, lovers, and friends with
benefits. Your friend continued to love with you while you only wanted to be
friends – although you continued to have a sexual relationship.

 

Living together has certainly complicated your relationship
even further. Could your friend possibly have felt pressured to live
together? I ask because it was soon after this that she decided she wanted to
experiment sexually with other people.

 

It may be useful to live apart so you both have the time and
psychological space to figure out what it is you really want from each other.
You can’t keep another person the same as she was but you can give her the
time she needs to figure out who she is and what she wants, and then make your
own decisions accordingly.

I hope this helps.

Best, Irene

 

Have you checked out The Friendship Forums, a caring, supportive community of people discussing their friendship problems and dilemmas?

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Comments (4)

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  1. Anonymous says:

    What is it that she does that you say you feel no real connection?

  2. Anonymous says:

    im in the exact situation with a straight woman with whom i fell for at the start. we began talking and becoming friends and all the while i was falling in love. the friendship turned sexual (her choice) but she cannot make an emotional connection with me say that at the end of the day she wants a man….she spends time with me, she says she loves me but since i feel no real connection, im starting to pull away. she starting to notice this and now im getting hit with text, phone calls more than ever….should i continue to pull away?

  3. Anonymous says:

    It sounds like a case of having your cake and eating it too. At the risk of sounding a little harsh, Amy wants all the benefits without having to commit. Her friend/lover has given her unconditional love for 3 years hoping that she will commit to her. I think that’s enough time for Amy to decide what she wants out of the relationship and it isn’t fair to string her friend along.

  4. EagleWings says:

    This letter from “Amy” sounds about identical to the post by someone calling herself “Laura” (I think it was – or the name may have been “Lori”) in the forums about two months ago.

    It seemed to me that Laura was confused about what she wanted from her friend/room mate and didn’t know what she wanted, so it’s kind of hard to give advice to someone like that.

    (If you don’t know what you want, I can’t tell you what you want or make your decisions for you.) This letter sounds the same to me.

    I think when you reject someone who is interested in you romantically (as was the case here, and with Laura/Lori), then yes, the rebuffed person is going to feel rejected/ hurt or angry and not want to be as close to you as they were, they are naturally going to move on and seek other partners/friends-

    And you expecting them to, or wanting them to remain just as close to you as they were before being rejected, is unrealistic and a little selfish on your part.

    Another person in the forum also made the good point that Laura (as with Amy) does not even seem to be sure of her own sexuality, and until she decides if she is a lesbian or heterosexual or whatever, her relationship with the roommate is going to remain confused and strained.

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