When you feel like you’re in a sticky friendship, you need to be firm and clear about setting boundaries and expectations.
I am currently engaged to a boy I met in college and we’re looking forward to our upcoming wedding. The issue is with a friend of both of ours from college. She recently moved into our town and now expects us to spend ALL of our free time with her!
We are 30 years old now, so constantly entertaining friends has fallen to the bottom of the list as family, the wedding, saving for our future, and setting up a new home are all of more importance at this stage in life. I am so annoyed by the constant calling, stopping by our home, and calls to my fiancé after I tell her that we have a busy week planned.
In the last two weeks of May, she called my fiancé 16 times in 11 days! Even as a friend, that seems excessive to call someone else’s fiancé so many times. I’m completely put off by her and no longer want the friendship. How do I tell someone who has become very negative, cynical and needy that they are no longer welcome? I would prefer to never have to see her again.
It sounds like your friend, who is new to your town, is trying to pick up the relationship she had with you and your fiancé from college. Not every friendship has staying power over time and as far as you are concerned, this one has fizzled out.
When someone is so needy and intrusive, you need to be direct and clear about boundaries and expectations. Tell her explicitly that you and your fiancé are consumed with planning your wedding and really have no time for socializing. Also tell her that you don’t want her to drop in unexpectedly and that you both are too busy to take phone calls. You can say that you realize she is new to town and suggest that she branch out and make new friends.
Since your friend has also had a relationship with your husband, both you and he have to be on the same page about her. If she called him 16 times in 11 days, could he possibly be encouraging her? His message needs to be consistent with yours. If you and your fiancé agree that she is encroaching on your time, it might be a good idea to get on the phone together with her.
I know this isn’t easy or pleasant to do but if you are certain you want to have nothing further to do with her, this approach should give her the message.
I hope this is helpful.
Category: Dependent friends