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QUESTION

Dear Dr. Levine,

For the past six to eight months I've had two friendships deteriorate. Jillian had been my friend for about 15 years. We never partied or saw much of each other due to distance and her ten-year relationship with a guy yet we always kept in touch. When her relationship was over, we began to spend lots of time together.

 

Our relationship went into a tailspin when she questioned my character. She asked me to give her ex-boyfriend (whom she hadn't seen in 15 years) a ride home because she was leaving with her new love interest. After the ride, he invited me in for a drink. Of course, I declined and later called both him (he gave me his number to make sure I got home safely) and her. That was where all the confusion began.

 

The next day Jillian called asking if I'd "done" anything crazy with him. I was offended since I only provided the ride to do her a favor. Over the next few months, she began dating this guy again. I know this guy was interested in me, but that was a line I would not cross. The relationship with her has suffered since. She would make us all hang out together. The guy is very cool and we have a very good rapport; I have plenty of male friends and am comfortable with males on a friendship level. She is aware of the many strictly platonic male relationships that I've had all my life. However, she is always trying to compete with me about every single thing or tarnish my character. I've tried to hang on to the friendship for more than 6 months and it's been hard.

 

I've also recently broken up with Lexi. We had been friends for 20 years (we are in our 30's) and she is/was like a sister to me. I invited both Jillian and Lexi out to celebrate my promotion and Jillian came with the guy. Lexi had been secluded after a recent break-up with a guy so to come out and interact with my friends was a big deal for her. Eventually, Lexi ended up chatting with a guy I've been seeing on and off for the past 6 months. Although I was a bit leery of him and his intentions when Lexi told me he was nice and was interested, I blew up. I could not believe, that Lexi, my sister, my longest friend would hit on a guy I was sort of dating for 6 months. She had never met him before, but had heard stories about him.

 

My trust with both friends has been broken. Is there a way to mend both relationships? Do you think that Lexi's actions are from her recent break-up or just who she has always been? I've talked to several of my friends about Jillian. Most think Jillian has always been a bit competitive and a user. I never saw this side before and am now afraid of all my relationships. Help.

Thanks,
Risa

ANSWER

Dear Risa

The issue of trust is fundamental to any healthy relationship. So I can understand how you must be reeling after two long-standing relationships unraveled over the same issue.

 

In the case of Jillian, if you knew that her guy was interested in you, she probably knew too. Instead of her confronting him about his trustworthiness, it sounds like you were an easier target. If it were this incident alone, you could talk to Jillian and, perhaps, get over it but it sounds like she is constantly competing with you. That makes me think that perhaps the women you both were 15 years ago have grown in different directions and that your relationship is really based primarily on shared history. While this is nothing to give up lightly, is Jillian the kind of friend you want in your life now or is she a frenemy, who tries to put you down whenever she has the opportunity?

 

In the case of Lexi, it sounds like she picked up on your ambivalence about the guy you were "sort-of-dating" and moved in to make the catch---perhaps innocently, but not very sensitively. I'm not sure from your letter if Lexi is still seeing this guy but I think you need to express your hurt feelings to her.

 

Your dilemma really has to do with your feelings about friendship and its boundaries and the men just happen to be red herrings that make things more confusing. Maintaining trust is the thread that runs thought both these painful situations. It can only help for you to speak with Lexi, and perhaps with Jillian too (if you feel so inclined) about mutual expectations of a trusting friendship, which often vary from person to person.

I hope this is helpful.

Best,
Irene

Having a close friend or two to talk to---someone on whom you can depend for emotional support---can be great when little things accumulate or you temporarily feel down in the dumps. But can a friend talk you out of depression or lessen its pernicious effects? A study recently published in the British Journal of Psychiatry examined the viability of "befriending" as a tool in the treatment of emotional distress and depressive symptoms. The findings suggest that friendships, even therapeutic ones, aren't necessarily substitutes for good treatment.

 

Keep in mind the researchers weren't talking either about the garden variety of befriending (a term that has become common parlance among Facebook or Twitter users) or about a mild case of the blues. For the purposes of their study, the team of primary care researchers at the University of Manchester, Manchester, UK defined "befriending" as social support that was "initiated, supported and monitored by an agency" expressly for one or more parties to benefit. It was, by definition, a treatment for depression or emotional distress that was "non-judgmental, mutual and purposeful."

 

The meta-analysis (a systematic statistical analysis) looked at more than 24 studies that covered a wide range of depressed populations, including caregivers of individuals with dementia, adolescents, lonely widows, men with prostate cancer, and pregnant women. The frequency of befriending varied among the studies as well as the ways in which the befriending took place. Some contacts were made face-to-face, others were by telephone, and some were a combination of both. Befriending was delivered both by trained and untrained volunteers.

 

The researchers found that the befriending intervention was less effective than cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) in adolescents with depression and in medication-resistant individuals with schizophrenia. It was also less effective than nurse cognitive-behavioral problem solving in caregivers of people with dementia. It was similar in effectiveness to a nurse education and self-efficacy intervention in older adults recovering from myocardial infarction, to local community support groups for new inner-city mothers, and to systemic family therapy in depressed adolescents.

 

Based on their data, the researchers were unable to conclude that "befriending" is an effective, evidence-based treatment. Instead, they suggested that more rigorous study was needed to compare "befriending" head-to-head with standard treatments (such as CBT and medication), and that individual preferences should be considered in determining what works, for whom, and under what circumstances. This study relied on meta-analytic techniques to look at the friendship question but it would be worthwhile for researchers to design more large studies that look closely at whether and how friendships can alter the course and outcomes of various types of depression.

 

The conventional wisdom is that the presence of social supports can serve as a buffer against depression. Sounds logical enough: Friendships offer an outlet for people to express their emotions, to put things into perspective, to feel less alone, to reduce stress, and to encourage someone who's feeling distressed to seek out professional help when needed. But people with severe depression often have a hard time reaching out to anyone and it is often equally difficult for friends, even very good ones, to know what to do to help them recover. There's a lot more to learn.

 

Source:

Effects of befriending on depressive symptoms and distress: systematic review and meta-analysis

Nicola Mead, PhD, Helen Lester, MB, ChB, MD, FRCGP, Carolyn Chew-Graham, MB, ChB, MD, FRCGP and Linda Gask, PhD, FRCPsych, NIHR School for Primary Care Research, University of Manchester
Peter Bower, PhD, National Primary Care Research and Development Centre, University of Manchester, Manchester, UK

The British Journal of Psychiatry (2010) 196: 96-101. doi: 10.1192/bjp.bp.109.064089

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How to Help a Friend or Relative Who is Depressed (From the NIMH)

If you know someone who is depressed, it affects you too. The first and most important thing you can do to help a friend or relative who has depression is to help him or her get an appropriate diagnosis and treatment. You may need to make an appointment on behalf of your friend or relative and go with him or her to see the doctor. Encourage him or her to stay in treatment, or to seek different treatment if no improvement occurs after six to eight weeks.

To help a friend or relative:

• Offer emotional support, understanding, patience and encouragement.
• Engage your friend or relative in conversation, and listen carefully.
• Never disparage feelings your friend or relative expresses, but point out realities and offer hope.
• Never ignore comments about suicide, and report them to your friend's or relative's therapist or doctor.
• Invite your friend or relative out for walks, outings and other activities. Keep trying if he or she declines, but don't push him or her to take on too much too soon. Although diversions and company are needed, too many demands may increase feelings of failure.
• Remind your friend or relative that with time and treatment, the depression will lift.

Facts about Major Depression

According to the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH), major depression is characterized by a combination of symptoms that interfere with a person's ability to work, sleep, study, eat, and enjoy once-pleasurable activities. An episode may occur only once in a person's lifetime, but more often, it recurs throughout a person's life. , It is estimated to affect 14.8 million American adults, or about 6.7 percent of the U.S. population age 18 and older in a given year.

 

When Amanda Blain, now 29, graduated and moved from Toronto to Ottawa, Canada, she began working in a series of male-dominated technical IT careers. Although she considers herself outgoing, she found it difficult to find and make new friends with each new situation or life change. So three years ago, she decided to tackle the problem head-on---for herself and other women. She created a new start-up, Girlfriend Social, to harness the power of the internet to help women make new girlfriends. Since its official launch about one year ago, more than 1800 women have signed up for the site from all over Canada, the USA, the UK and even Australia.

 

"I saw a need for a place where women could go and connect, and knew that I had the ability to create it," says Blain, who has a background in web design and internet marketing. Women pair up with new friends based on the information they post. "With a few simple clicks, you can match with other women in your local area who have kids the same age as yours or who love the twilight book series as much as you do," she says. After women connect online, Girlfriend Social creates opportunities for them to meet face-to-face in safe, friendly event settings that are designed to bridge the connection from online to the real world.

 

According to Blain, the primary target audience for the new social media site is women who fall in the "M3" category. They include women who have Moved, Married, or are Mothers---but the site attracts women of all different backgrounds and situations who, for whatever reason, feel like they want to have more friends or want to find a new best gal pal. The sponsored monthly events held so far have included pub nights, dog walks, scrapbooking get-togethers, bowling nights, rock climbing, movie nights, and a lobster dinner. "This makes meeting several people at once easier and more relaxed if you're a little shy," she says.

 

"Although there are many social networks online, most are designed to deal with business networking, dating, or connecting with people you already know," says Blain. "There are very few sites that connect new friends or that are for trying out new hobbies." Use of the site is free, with the costs underwritten by event and webpage sponsors. Blain recently moved to southern California from Canada and is working on expanding the site to major cities in the U.S.

 

P.S. In addition to GirlfriendSocial.com, several other social media sites that encourage and facilitate platonic friendships among women include GirlfriendCelebrations.com, Girlfriendology.com, GirlfriendCircles.com, GirlfriendsCafe.com and SocialJane.com. Each site has different features.

 

Caveat: Always check out any site on the internet before you sign up and be cautious in providing personal information to people whom you don't know.

Although it's sometimes hard to accept, life never evolves like a fairy tale. Journalist and author Irene Zutell's latest novel, Pieces of Happily Ever After (St. Martin's Griffin, 2009), sensitively captures the inevitable struggles that women encounter along the way, including: infidelity, divorce, balancing care for children and parents, juggling work and family, growing up, achieving independence, losing friends and making them.

 

You'll meet protagonist Alice Hirsch, a PR guru, who is married to Alex, an entertainment lawyer. They have a precocious five-year-old daughter and Alice is the primary caregiver for her mom, who has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease. When Alice's husband suddenly dumps her, very publicly, for a Hollywood starlet, she has to find a way to dig herself out of her problems and repair her damaged self-esteem. With the support of her "mommy friends," a cast of equally interesting and well-developed characters, Alice is not only rescued but finds she is able to define her own "happily ever after."

 

Set in California's San Fernando Valley, this story could well take place in any middle-class suburb. This particular backdrop provides a vehicle for the author to weave comic relief and celebrity culture into a thoroughly engaging and entertaining storyline. The well-paced plot offers a perfect blend of familiarity and surprise to grip the reader's attention from beginning to end.

 

Of course, I loved some of the lessons the book offers about mommy friendships---e.g. That woman need to actively forge new friendships as our lives change; that office friends can turn out to be nothing more than that; that we need to guard against judging friends too critically before we know them; and that adversity often helps us recognize our true friends. While friends and lovers play prominent roles in the book, its layered depiction of mother-daughter relationships is especially compelling.

 

 

Friendship by the Book is an occasional series of posts on The Friendship Blog about books that offer friendship lessons.

QUESTION

Dear Dr. Levine,

I am reeling from the awareness that certain friends who meant a great deal to me have abruptly turned their back on me now that I have revealed and declared my struggle with mental illness. I was diagnosed with a form of bipolar disorder after weathering several years of depression alongside "up" periods. When it was just garden-variety depression, I believe the problem had been more acceptable to these individuals, who are mostly male.

 

Now, having spent almost two weeks in hospital, the tables have turned and folks have run for the hills. I mean nothing: No phone calls, no cards, unreturned e-mails. These relationships, mind you, go back almost 20 years. I've spent most of my time being the "counselor" to these folks. Still, for the most part, I gained a lot from the relationships: mentoring, laughter, contacts, learning, etc.

 

So I'm not sure how to proceed from here. My self-esteem is shot-to-be-damned, and I really haven't much patience right now for the childish ways of grown people. Over the years, I've observed that people who "hide" from others' adversity find some way to wheedle back in after it seems like the coast is clear. I'm pretty clear about cutting these folks off, since there's really nothing to be salvaged except my self-worth. I am angry, and I can't guarantee that I still won't be angry when they inevitably return to my world. How would you suggest I handle this?

Signed,
Alone

 

ANSWER

Dear Alone:

When someone has a serious medical condition, deciding whether or not to tell others is never straightforward. This is compounded when it comes to disclosing mental or emotional disorders because of the pervasive misunderstanding, stigma and discrimination commonly associated with disorders of the brain. As you found out, there is even a pecking order among mental illnesses. People are generally more understanding and accepting of depression and anxiety disorders than they are of bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, or schizoaffective disorder. This is simply because of the dismal lack of mental health literacy among the general public.

 

In considering whether or not to tell, it's important for someone to think through whom to tell (the answer might be different for different family members, friends, employers and acquaintances) and how much information and detail to provide (e.g. the name of the disorder, the nature of the treatment, specific vs. general information, etc.). Decisions like this are deeply personal. Ultimately, individuals need to make decisions that feel comfortable to them! There is no right or wrong.

 

Getting back to your specific situation: You made the decision to be candid with friends whom you trusted, hoping they would understand and rally around you. This wasn't the case so I understand your disappointment. But consider the possibility that these friends weren't ill-intentioned. They may simply have felt uncomfortable and didn't know exactly how to react or what to say---because they don't understand bipolar disorder, its course, or its treatment.

 

Perhaps, you could seize this as a teachable moment, focusing on one or two of the individuals with whom you feel closest, and helping them better understand your experience. After you speak, you could also direct them to online resources for information such as one of the booklets made available from the National Institute of Mental Health  or from the National Alliance on Mental Illness.

 

Being hospitalized for a mental disorder often feels like a setback to that individual (although it shouldn't be that way!). Admittedly, it is an unplanned disruption to work, study, and/or friendships. You say your self-confidence is shattered-so give yourself the gift of time and allow yourself to slowly get back into a normal routine. Try to hold back your anger towards your friends, which may turn out to be misplaced. You may find that some of these friendships were tenuous and aren't worth resurrecting but I sincerely hope that at least a few of them will be recoverable.

 

You signed your letter "lonely." Simultaneous with working on your old friendships, you may want to get involved in a support group such as those sponsored by the Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance. This will allow you to meet other people who have struggled with similar issues and who can support you as you get back on your feet. I hope you also have the benefit of a relationship with a mental health professional who can help you get over this trauma.

 

Remember that lifting the veil of secrecy and shame that shrouds brain disorders can only be accomplished one person at a time. I applaud your honesty as well as your posting this letter.

 

Warm wishes for your recovery,
Irene

 

 

P.S. In my book (co-authored with Jerome Levine, MD), Schizophrenia for Dummies (Wiley, 2009), on P. 216-222, there is an extensive section on "Breaking the News," the pros and cons of disclosing mental disorders. Since it provides far more detailed advice than I could post here, you may want to glance at the book in the library. Although my comments in the book are focused on schizophrenia, they are just as pertinent to bipolar disorder.

 

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

I took a new job and became friendly with a woman named Gina. Gina told me about her past mistakes and seemed very consumed with guilt over them. In the spirit of sympathy, I told Gina that what was done so long ago should be forgiven and that I certainly don't feel that she deserves to be condemned. Then I went on to tell her of a past mistake of mine, and that it was past and I didn't feel guilty over something that was done 30 years ago.

 

We had many conversations on breaks and a lot of information was shared. Well, yesterday at work, my boss warned me to be careful what I told Gina, and that all that I told her was repeated to the entire office! Of course I will now watch what I say more closely, but I'm mortified! How do I come back from this (if ever) at this job? I had hoped to make a friend or two and now just look like an idiot.

Signed,
Margie

 

ANSWER

Dear Margie:

I know you have a terrible feeling in the pit of your stomach right now. That's understandable-but things aren't as bad as they seem. In your efforts to make a new friend at work, you inadvertently fell prey to an office gossipmonger, someone who habitually brokers information about others to enhance her own sense of self-importance. Since your boss came to warn you about her, he already knows about Gina and her M.O. (modus operandi)---and doesn't have much respect for her.

 

You can't take back the things you said to Gina. But unless you shared really juicy tidbits, I presume that the rest of the office staff will soon forget about anything they've heard---especially since Gina seems to have a reputation as a gossip (even the boss knows about her!). Focus on doing your job and expanding your office contacts, slowly, so Gina becomes just one office acquaintance among many. This might also be a time to nurture close and trusting friendships outside the office.

 

Clearly, you can't trust Gina again. Depending on what feels more comfortable for you, you can either cut off all non-essential contact with her entirely or calmly tell her that you hope she'll keep whatever you've told her in the past in confidence as you're concerned about your reputation at a new workplace.

 

While this was a hard lesson, it will make you more cautious in the future, which is a good thing. It's always prudent to build friendships slowly to make sure that you can trust a person before sharing too many intimacies. This is especially true in the workplace because you have fewer options in terms of being able to step away from the relationship without threatening your employment.

I hope this is helpful.

Best,
Irene

 

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

A little more than a year ago I began a friendship with a female co-worker. We are both married and it never went beyond the friendship stage nor did either or us want it to. It started off simple enough, she knew I was into photography and she suspected a problem with her camera and asked me to take it for a while and see if I could find anything wrong.

 

The friendship grew to the point where we were taking most of our breaks together and we spent a lot of time talking and getting to know each other. We started at the job within a few months of each other and were both the "new kids" in the group and I think we tended to bond over that. She had numerous issues with management and came to me in tears two times because she felt she was being mistreated.

 

We already had a friendly relationship by that time and had exchanged hugs on occasion; I held her and let her cry on my shoulder. The friendship also grew outside of work and we had several get-togethers with our significant others: day trips to Cape Cod and Martha's Vineyard, hiking in some local parks, and dinners at local restaurants as well at each of our houses. We always sat together during meetings at work and I think it was obvious to the rest of the staff that we enjoyed each other's company.

 

I went away for a two-week vacation at the end of October and she expressed concern several times as to how she would survive while I was gone. She wished I wasn't going and that she could go with me. I know people just say those things but she seemed more concerned than normal. She gave me a big hug the day I left and an even bigger one on the day I returned saying she was glad I was back.

 

Around the end of November, she did a complete 180 on me. I expressed concern that our friendship was falling apart. She said that I worried too much and we would always be friends. A few days later that changed into her not liking her job, not being able to separate me from it, and that she wanted me to just leave her alone.

 

I knew that she was having issues with the boss and she felt like he was always watching her. A few days later, when he was out for the day, I asked if we could get together for a few minutes to talk. Her response was simply "Leave me alone."

 

For Christmas, I sent her a photo book that had a lot of photos of her and her husband at various places we had visited in the past year. When I got back to work the week after Christmas I got a call from HR saying that she had filed a complaint against me. The complaint was initiated in response to the photo book but she also dragged in e-mails that she felt were inappropriate and told them that she never wanted to go out on breaks with me and she felt pressured into this and felt she could not say no. I never had any indication that she was less than happy going on breaks with me and she never said anything to me about my e-mails being inappropriate. I considered us friends and the e-mails (all but one of them to non-work e-mail accounts) were friendly e-mails. She underlined things like Do you have time for a friend? Or I miss the closeness we shared and one that I signed with a virtual hug.

 

I am still waiting for the final decision from HR but for the time being we have simply been told to not have any contact with each other. We are both at work and it is very difficult for me right now. I try to avoid her as much as possible and wait to be sure she is in her office before I leave mine.

 

I don't know how this friendship went from best friend to worst enemy on her side so quickly and I have no idea what I could have done to cause this since she won't tell me. I have had problems with depression myself in the past and this episode has me back on meds for that; it helps with the pain but not my inability to understand any of this. I don't understand how she could have been my friend, how we could have been so close and how it has ended up like this.

Signed,
Depressed in Boston

 

ANSWER

Dear Depressed in Boston:

Your story is sad and hard to grasp for me, too. You say that you were "just friends" with this woman-in and out of the office-for almost a year and then the relationship seemed to deteriorate for no apparent reason.

 

My sense is that there had to be something that was going on in her personal life that you don't know about. Perhaps, her husband began to feel threatened by her office friendship. Or perhaps, while you were away on vacation, she realized that she had become more attached to you emotionally than was comfortable for her. I don't know the answers to these questions or whether I'm even raising the right possibilities. You probably don't either. The truth may be something she is unwilling to tell you or something that she doesn't fully understand herself.

 

That said, she made a unilateral decision to dump you and sealed the deal with a visit to HR. Then she began to collect "evidence" to build a case that your advances were unwelcome and had crossed the boundaries of a collegial relationship.

 

You haven't mentioned your response to HR and what they are "deciding." If the charges are serious and/or your job is in jeopardy, it would be wise to consult with an attorney. I'm also wondering how you handled this situation with your wife. Have you been able to be candid with her so you could depend on her for support? Finally, have you been totally forthcoming and honest with yourself in terms of your expectations of this friendship?

 

Clearly, you have no option now but to step back from the relationship with your co-worker and to limit any contact. Do not send her any emails or text messages at the office or at home.

 

Focus on maintaining your performance at work and on making sure you comply with any conditions that have been set forth by your employer. It's important that you work through your feelings about this upsetting situation outside the office: either with your wife, a trusted friend, or a mental health professional. If they have worked for you in the past, an antidepressant may be of help. If you feel the need and have the opportunity, you may want to transfer to another unit of your organization or change employment.

 

As hard as it may be, you have to accept that you may never have a complete understanding of what happened, just your side of the equation, and that you need to pick up the pieces as best you can and move forward.

I hope that this helps a little.

Best,
Irene

I don't recall how I tripped over Jessica Kettle Kechian's blog, Cougar Tales, but I'm glad I did. I was smitten by one of her posts on friendship. Jessica was gracious to allow me to reprint it here on The Friendship Blog as a guest post.

P.S. I think it would be nice if every woman had at least one "BIF" like Beth.

 

My BFF
Written by Jessica Kettle Kechian

 

I always believed that when you found a friend you stayed friends forever. Fast forward life 31 years and I've learned how much that is not the case. I have had a ton of friends in my day and a few that made it to the "best" status. Out of all these friends, many have drifted away through our different circumstances of life. Some have become acquaintances. Very few are still dear friends. Only one remained as my best friend forever for almost the entirety that I have known her. She is my BFF. I actually call her just BFF - pronounced "bif".

 

BFF has been my best friend since we were about 6 or 7. She moved in next door after my other friend and his family moved out. I was devastated and couldn't imagine someone better suited for me would move in there. I walked past the house a few times as they moved in...on purpose...like a stalker. Finally, her aunt asked me to come over and meet my now BFF and her cousin. Later, I asked her to come over but her grumpy Greek dad said, "Bif, we don't even know these people."

 

It was only a matter of time before we were inseparable. BFF and I did everything together. We worshipped Bon Jovi. We put on shows in our back yards every summer and even had business cards. We were called the Broadway Babes (well, only by the family members we gave our business cards to). BFF and I took dance classes for years, we were in cheerleading together and we even worked together everything weekend for 10 years at her parents' luncheonette. Her parents became my second set of parents. And, mine hers.

 

We stayed friends through every possible milestone - good things and bad as you can imagine. We moved out of our childhood homes, went off to different colleges, had fun and dramatic times post-college and eventually settled into new towns over an hour from each other.

 

Friends shift into different people at different stages of their life or seasons. When this happens, they sometimes become different friends to us. Maybe they are no longer "best" friends" but become more like acquaintances. Maybe a friend is your "going out gal" or your "stayin in sista". Maybe she is a gym buddy, guy venting, or advice-giving friend. BFF and I certainly shifted through different seasons at different times.

 

Over the years, we have grown into different people and have different interests. To name a few: I love going out for dinner and/or drinks. She only wants to go out on birthdays and special occasions. I like to taste new wines. BFF likes to ride on her boyfriend's motorcycle. I am a planner and she, not so much. We probably would never see each other if it wasn't for me. She cancels plans the day of. She doesn't always call me back. She hates driving to my town. And, yet somehow, I always put her on a pedestal. I know we will be best friends forever and here's a few reasons why:

 

• We know more about each other than anyone else in the world does.
• We still love Bon Jovi.
• We can talk about really deep topics or laugh our booties off.
• She swears I am thin when I'm chubby.
• She thinks I'm normal when I feel crazy.
• She picks out the best friendship cards that I know were written just for us.
• She sticks up for me when I can't.
• She has answers when I don't.
• She loves me regardless of who I am.
• She is my seasonless Best Friend Forever.

 

A note from Jessica: Cougar Tales became my pet project last summer so I could get some thoughts out of my head and cure my boredom with my corporate gig. I had no clue beforehand about blogging but I quickly became absorbed. After starting, I realized that there aren't any rules. You can write about things that matter most or things that don't matter at all. As strange as this sounds, I have actually made some online friends. My husband thinks it's odd that I "talk" to people I have never met but I think it's kind of cool. It bends the rules of traditional friendships that are established on the basis of what school you went to, where you work, and whether you have children or not. There are undiscovered ways to meet new friends that you never expect. Lots of people visit my blog thinking I'm a "cougar" chronicling my life. Not the case. Simply put, I write about life...as it seems to me. One of the common themes you'll find on my blog is friendship. And, one of my favorite people to write about is my best friend, Beth.

 

Do you need friendship advice or inspiration in an instant?

Now you can start reading Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup With Your Best Friend less than a minute after placing your order for a wireless Kindle download through Amazon.com.

The electronic version of the book is available for at $9.99. Don't have a Kindle? You can also download the e-book using Kindle for PC, a free application for your Windows PC.

You can also order the book through the SONY e-book store!

QUESTION

 

Hi Irene,

I'm so happy to have found your blog and discovered your book. I will definitely be running out and buying a copy!

 

A very close, cherished friendship that I've had for 14 years has just come to a painful end, and I'm heartbroken. I wish there was a way to repair it, but I know it takes two to work on a relationship and my friend really did and said some things that damaged our relationship and my trust in her beyond repair. Still, having said that, I wish things had not unfolded as they did, and I certainly wish I could undo whatever my role in the demise was (although I've spent a lot of time thinking about it, and really believe I only played a small role in it coming to an end).

 

It's been about two months now. What continues to pain me is the horrible last words exchanged between us. I certainly expressed my anger and hurt to her but I was careful to avoid attacking her character outright or name-calling her, or permanently burning bridges between us. On the other hand, she attacked me personally and said some downright nasty things that were so over-the-top they were obviously designed to wound.

 

We had been like sisters who loved each other for years-so to end on such hostile, borderline-hateful terms seems wrong and sad. I know we can't be close friends anymore, but I hate being haunted by the memory of our last conversation, and having that go down as the last one in the history book of our friendship (which had many loving, fun times through the years). I'm wondering if there is a way to temporarily be in touch just to end on better terms. I don't know if that even makes sense!

 

Thanks!

Penny

 

ANSWER

Dear Penny,

I'm sorry that you felt so betrayed that you had to end your friendship. Whether the decision was hers, yours, or mutual, this has to be a painful loss and it sound like you are reluctant to let go.

 

In terms of the harsh words exchanged between you: When people are hurt and upset, they often lash out and say things out of anger that don't represent their true feelings. I'm not sure you can go back and change what happened, either the events that ended the friendship or the words that were uttered during the blowup. However, it sounds like you want to try and are willing to forgive your friend to some extent.

 

Since it has been two months since your last encounter, your friend's anger probably has dissipated and a calmer, less hostile conversation may, indeed, be possible. Let her know that you aren't happy with the way things ended and that you'd like another chance to discuss the problems you've had in a more positive manner. You'll probably be able to tell by her response whether or not this is possible.

 

To do this, it may be best to write your friend a note expressing your feelings and desire to get together. This will give her time to reflect on your request and on what happened between you so she isn't caught off guard. If you want to rekindle your relationship, you can also mention that you are open to that.

 

Since you were such close friends, I doubt that she is happy with the way your friendship ended either. I hope you can have a meaningful discussion that either allows you to become friends again or to walk away leaving each of you feeling more whole. It won't be easy but you seem to be motivated.

 

Hope this is helpful.

Sincerely,
Irene