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Written by Rachel Bertsche, MWF Seeking BFF chronicles the author's search for a new best friend after moving to a new city for love. In her engaging daily posts, Bertsche reveals anecdotes from her quest, shares resources for meeting new people, and wonders about modern-day friendship conundrums. MWF Seeking BFF the book will be published by Ballantine in early 2012.

Today's guest post by Rachel is the fourth in a weeklong series of posts on The Friendship Blog celebration of The Month of Friendship.

 

After two years of waiting for a local BFF to emerge in my new hometown of Chicago, I've decided to go out there and find her.

 

On Tuesday, I was reminded of exactly why I've been forcing myself to ask out potential friends, despite how desperate it can sometimes feel. I was at my favorite boutique, just a block away from my apartment, looking for a dress to wear to an upcoming rehearsal dinner. Well, that and I've been trying to befriend the manager since I moved here.

 

We've become friendly enough in the time that I've been frequenting her store. The weekend I went wedding dress shopping, I showed her a picture of my potential gown for an "objective" opinion. She's told me about planning her sister's bridal shower. She knows what clothes work best on my body and can perhaps get me a discount on said outfits. She'd most certainly fill my fashionable BFF opening.

 

For a while, before I threw caution to the wind and started asking every potential BFF to dinner, I was too embarrassed to invite her to hang out. What would I say? "Hello I have no friends! Will you take pity on me?" Uh, no thanks.

 

But now that I've been at this a while, I've gotten more comfortable in the art of the asking. Like anything, it gets exponentially easier with practice. And the breezier you are (Remember Monica on Richard's answering machine? "I'm breezy!" I channel this often...) the less awkward the exchange. I promise!

 

So I went into the store in the middle of the day on Tuesday, and Manager and I were the only people there. After trying on a few dresses, I bought an adorable little black number.

"So do you work every Tuesday?" I asked her at the register.

"Yup."

"I was wondering... I work from home on Mondays and Tuesdays, and it can get really quiet and isolating. Would you want to get lunch sometime? It'd be nice to get out of the house for a little."

 

Manager was so excited. "I'd love to! I really would." She went on to tell me that she always meets really great people at the store, but she feels like she has to wait for to other person to make the move. "Otherwise, you could be like ‘why's the salesgirl asking me to lunch?' It's unprofessional."

 

This had never occurred to me. She's all 7-feet-tall and impossibly thin and pretty. The idea that maybe she wanted to be my friend too, that maybe something was holding her back never crossed my mind.

 

So we exchanged numbers and we're going to have lunch. It could maybe even become a weekly-ish affair. I have a good feeling about this one.

 

The small-but-significant exchange was an important reminder of why, when we meet someone with BFF potential, we should just go for it. Everyone wants pals. We're constantly worried that people will think we're weird for making the first overture toward friendship, but more often than not the other person is flattered. Thrilled, even.

 

And there could be a million reasons why she hasn't tried befriending you. Once Manager explained it to me, it made perfect sense that she'd have professional concerns about trying to befriend a customer. But I never would have thought of it on my own.

So this month, why not resolve to finally say something to the would-be friend you've been eyeing in yoga class/the grocery store/the office. What's the worst that could happen? No, seriously, what?

 

If you missed them, I hope you'll take a peek at the other guest posts from my blogging buddies that appeared this week, one by Debba Hauppert of Girlfriendology.com and another by Shasta Nelson of GirlfriendCircles.com. Tomorrow's guest post will be from Dawn Williams Bertuca and Tina VanZant Bishop of GirlfriendCelebrations.com!

 

 

The dirty little secret no one talks about...

 

Despite the romanticized myth of BFF, the hard truth is that most friendships don't last forever. In fact, research suggests that when it comes to friendships, there's a phenomenon somewhat akin to the seven-year itch; half of our friendships change over that time period.

 

Just like other life-affirming relationships that we treasure---relationships with lovers, husbands, siblings, children, and pets---our closest friendships are imperfect. Friendships are fraught with disappointments and misunderstandings---resulting in some of the highest highs and the lowest lows of our emotional lives.

 

Remember Anne of Green Gables, the lonely orphan who never had a bosom buddy until she met her neighbor, Diana? Anne instantly realized she had found a soulmate in Diana. But as Anne grew up and her world expanded, the foundation of her once perfect friendship with Diana collapsed, paving the way for the next phase in her life. Given all the transitions that that take place in the lives of women (moving, mating, mothering and managing careers, just to name a few), it's not surprising that friendships fray. Anne's story is universal; as people grow and change, their paths diverge. Friends drift apart and even kindred spirits may find themselves circling in different orbits.

 

The sense of trust, intimacy, energy and connection we feel with a best friend is absolutely exhilarating, but when that friendship begins to erode or drift away, the sense of unease, discomfort, or loss is palpable. So what can you do to mend a broken friendship? Here are some tips for getting over the inevitable bumps:

 

1) Communicate

There's a wall of silence between you. She isn't answering your text messages or voicemails, and is ignoring your Facebook comments. You haven't seen each other for a week and you used to talk every day. What do you do? Summon up the courage to start a dialogue. If there's any hope of mending the friendship, you need to find out what's wrong and resolve it. Sending an email or snail mail (note or card) to your friend, telling her you miss her and want to talk, gives her a chance to respond without being caught off-guard.

 

2) Apologize, if you should

If you know it was you who said or did something wrong-or who didn't do or say something you should have, own up to the mistake. Apologize sooner rather than later because time has a way of making little problems fester. Of course, if you have a recurrent case of foot-in-the-mouth syndrome, this isn't going to work.

 

3) Forgive, if you can

Conversely, if you were the one who was wronged and the friendship is important to you, consciously decide to forgive your friend in order to save the friendship. Try to think about what happened from her perspective and accept her apology. If her behavior is consistently ambivalent and unpredictable, forgiveness may not be the right fix.

 

4) Take a break

You've approached your friend to sort out the problem and you've been ignored or rebuffed. Perhaps your friend needs more time to get over her anger and disappointment. Propose that you NOT see each other for two weeks or a month. Maybe you need time apart (what I call a friendship sabbatical) to realize how much you mean to each other. On the other hand, you both may breathe a sigh of relief during the trial separation.

 

5) Downgrade

Maybe your expectations of each other are a mismatch at this time. Perhaps, you need to establish boundaries: Tell her you need more space for yourself and more time with others. Maybe your relationship is based primarily on shared history and your lives have grown too disparate to remain besties. Gradually downgrade to a casual, once-in-a-while friendship. Make the change with grace and respect, leaving the door open for reconnecting in a different way at a different time.

 

Admittedly, fixing a broken friendship is never easy or simple because the rules of friendships aren't clear. Compounding the problem, women are often embarrassed or ashamed to talk about friendship problems. If they speak to men, they're likely to be accused of catfighting. If they speak to other women, opening up about another friend may be seen as a betrayal. As a result, friendship problems often remain the dirty little secret that nobody talks about---except on The Friendship Blog.com.

 

This post, by me, is the third in a weeklong series of posts by the bloggers involved in The Friendship Circle as part of The Month of Friendship. The blogs include: Girlfriendology, GirlfriendCelebrations, GirlfriendCircles, MWFSeekingBFF, and TheFriendshipBlog.

 

 

 

 

 

Yesterday's guest post by Debba Hauppert of Girlfriendology.com was the first in a weeklong series of posts in celebration of The Month of Friendship.

Today's post is from Shasta Nelson, life coach and founder of GirlFriendCircles.com, the only online community that matches new friends offline by connecting circles of women in local areas. Shasta blogs weekly about women's friendships at GirlFriendCircles.com/Blog and is hosting friendship events in Chicago, San Francisco and L.A this month. If her name sounds familiar, it may be because she was a guest on the CBS Morning Show yesterday!

Here's Shasta's story:

When I moved to San Francisco, I had an amazing circle of friends spread across the country but soon realized that as much as I loved Facebook and my Iphone-I certainly didn't want all my relationships to be limited to them. I reached a point where I wanted to make new memories with friends, rather than the reporting of life or re-living of the past that we tend to do with "those we used to be close to."

I needed present friends. I needed local friends. I needed new friends.

Normalize New Friends

Those are hard words to say though, for some reason. We have this stigma that to admit needing friends might somehow be misinterpreted as saying "No one likes me" or "I have no friends." It taps into all our insecurities, fears and any shame we have over any relationship that didn't last forever.

 

In fact, most friendships don't last forever. Reported in September's MORE magazine, Sally Koslow says that "the average person now replaces half her friends every seven years." At first I gasped when I read that, and then I nodded in recognition.

 

The truth is that there are multiple times in our lives when we need to expand our circle of friends! Tons of times! Whether it's a move, a break-up/divorce, a realization that all your friends have kids/are single/moved away, a change in jobs or decision to work from home, a life-changing experience, a new hobby, a shift in life focus when our kids move out or we retire.... The list could go on-and-on! None of those reasons are a judgment against us! They are simply stages of life that remind us that while a couple of our friendships might prevail through differences, the truth is that we all need to be constantly replenishing our circle of friends to ensure it's meaningful for who we are now.

Need New Friends

There have been numerous reports linking a circle of supportive friends to lowering stress levels, increasing happiness, prevention of diseases, faster recovery rates for healing and greater chance of reaching life goals. Add to that the reports that relationships improve your odds of survival by 50 percent, and we have a serious reminder that our friendships are not a nice-to-have, but a necessity!

 

The research published in July in the journal PLoS Medicine, compared low social connectedness to have the same health impact as smoking 15 cigarettes a day, to being an alcoholic, as more harmful than not exercising and twice as harmful as obesity!

 

I'm not a big fan of telling people how many friends they need. We're all different, but studies seem to suggest people are happiest with somewhere between 5-10 meaningful friendships. And other reports show that half of us have less than 2 people we'd call real friends. There seems to be some discrepancy between our experience and our ideal?

 

Note that there is a difference between how many people you're friendly with versus how many people you call a friend. Huge difference. It's common to assume we have lots of friends, but when we examine it we realize we simply know a lot of friendly people through work and school. An easy test for me is to ask myself "How many people would I feel comfortable asking for a ride to the airport?" or "Who is in my life that I could text last-minute to see if they were available to hang out without it feeling weird?" Easy things-we're not even talking about taking care of your kids when they're sick!

Invite New Friends

Recognizing who is in our circle and acknowledging if, and when, we need to invite more meaningful friendships into our lives is part of taking care of our wellbeing.

 

I'll be the first to admit, it was often more tempting to call an established friend and tell her about my need to go shopping than it was to call up a potential friend to see if she wanted to go shopping. In the beginning it was less meaningful to talk to a new friend than to call someone who already knew me, but I held the truth that, like dating, I simply had to put the consistent time into my new relationships to create those bonds.

 

It didn't "just happen." Friendships don't just show up. Fun people might. But turning them into friendships simply is an investment we have to make.

 

And now, every Tuesday night, I have girls' night with the same four women in San Francisco. I know who to call for a ride to the airport and who to text for a last-minute get together!

 

So, now, my passion is helping foster that process for everyone else! Do it for your health & happiness!

 

On Wednesday, The Friendship Doctor (Irene) will be posting my thoughts here, with cross-posts on the blogs of other members of The Friendship Circle too.

 

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The Friendship Circle (a network of five organizations committed to celebrating the power of female friendships) is partnering in September for a Month of Friendship. Visit these Friendship Circle websites daily in September for more inspiration and information:

• The Friendship Blog – by psychologist, professor of psychiatry, and author, Dr. Irene S. Levine (The Friendship Doctor), author of Best Friends Forever: Surviving A Breakup with Your Best Friend. Follow Irene on Twitter.
• GirlfriendCelebrations – premier source of girls night ideas on the web. Founded by friends Dawn Williams Bertuca and Tina VanZant Bishop. Girlfriend Celebrations on Facebook and Twitter
• GirlFriendCircles.com - only online community that matches new friends offline by connecting circles of women in local areas, by Shasta Nelson. On Facebook and Twitter.
• Girlfriendology.com - online community for women based on inspiration, appreciation and celebration of female friendship. Created by Debba Haupert. On Facebook and Twitter.
• MWF Seeking BFF - chronicles the author’s search for a new best friend after moving to a new city for love, by Rachel Bertsche.

(More than a decade ago, Kappa Delta Sorority created Friendship Day and then turned it into a month-long of celebration of friendship, National Women's Friendship Month. This year my blogger buddies are hopping on that moving train to celebrate The Month of Friendship.)

 

This first guest post in a weeklong series is written by my friend and colleague, Debba Hauppert. Debba is the founder of Girlfriendology.com, the online community of women based on inspiration, appreciation and celebration of female friendship. Each day this week you'll be reading posts from the five founding members of The Friendship Circle. Wednesday is my day! After you've read the posts, I'm sure you'll want to check out the other websites too!) Read on. Here's Debba's post ...

Admit it. We love to celebrate holidays.

 

Some because we get the day off work (thank you Presidents Lincoln and Washington), some out of respect (Labor Day and Memorial Day), some based on relationships like Mother's Day and Father's Day. We show our love on Valentine's Day, our gratitude on Thanksgiving and our history on the 4th of July. We even go so far as to recognize our passions with National Ice Cream Month and Rubber Duckie Day, our fears - National Mold Awareness Month (yikes!) and pretend everyone is Irish on St. Patrick's Day.

 

We've got a holiday for just about everything - very event, passion, religion and quirk that we want to recognize, acknowledge, draw attention to and celebrate.

 

But what about celebrating the unique relationship that is known to make women healthier, happier, less stressed, live longer and even feel more beautiful? Doesn't that warrant a special celebration? Doesn't the combination of raised self esteem, being given the gift of laughter when you wanted to cry, having someone to call when you get bad news or just knowing you have a friend who won't let you down deserve its own celebration?

 

WE think so.

 

WE are a group of women who are following our passion of inspiring women to connect, appreciate and celebrate female friendships. We are five writers and friendship experts who have partnered together to promote the benefits of female friendship, ideas on how to connect with and celebrate friends, insights into all aspects of friendship and general ‘girlfriend advice' for women. We blog, speak, publish, tweet and inspire female friendship every way we can.

 

We are the Friendship Circle.

 

We all believe that we should celebrate female friendship. So we're partnering in September for a Month of Friendship to bring attention to the need that women have to prioritize their friendships, to provide inspiration on spending time with and celebrating those friendships, and to highlight the benefits in store for females who have strong bonds with their girlfriends.

 

Who are WE? We're glad you asked!

The Friendship Blog - Produced by psychologist, professor of psychiatry, and author Dr. Irene S. Levine (The Friendship Doctor), The Friendship Blog is the only authoritative place for women on the internet to anonymously ask and receive advice about their friendship problems and dilemmas. The blog was created in 2007 and helped create the platform for Dr. Levine's recent book, Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup With Your Best Friend. Follow Irene on Twitter.

 

GirlfriendCelebrations - is the premier source of girls night ideas on the web. Founded by friends Dawn Williams Bertuca and Tina VanZant Bishop in 2005, the blog offers original ideas for girls night in, girls night out, girlfriend get-togethers and girlfriend getaways. Believing that "Girlfriends Make Life BetterTM," these girlfriends take women beyond "bunco" and deliver fun and meaningful ways for female friends to stay connected. Girlfriend Celebrations on Facebook and Twitter.

 

GirlFriendCircles.com - The only online community that matches new friends offline by connecting circles of women in local areas. In over 25 cities and growing fast, women between 21-65, are matched and introduced to each other in small groups at local cafes and wine bars to meet other women who value expanding their circle of face-to-face friends. Founder Shasta Nelson, a life coach, blogs weekly on women's friendship issues. On Facebook and Twitter.

Girlfriendology.com - The online community for women based on inspiration, appreciation and celebration of female friendship. Girlfriendology offers inspiring blogs, BlogTalkRadio podcast interviews with amazing women, girlfriend gifts, online communities and more. Founded in 2006 by Debba Haupert, Girlfriendology has a large and growing social media community of 19k+ Twitter followers (& we block men!) and 7k+ female Facebook fans. On Facebook and Twitter.

 

MWF Seeking BFF - Written by Rachel Bertsche, MWF Seeking BFF chronicles the author's search for a new best friend after moving to a new city for love. In her daily posts, Bertsche reveals anecdotes from her quest, shares resources for meeting new people, and wonders about modern-day friendship conundrums. MWF Seeking BFF the book will be published by Ballantine in early 2012. Follow Rachel on Twitter.

 

The Month of Friendship kicks off TODAY and will feature a cross-platform series of blog posts on each of the five participating websites. Each founder will each write a post in her particular area of expertise, with one post appearing on all five websites each day.

 

So girlfriend, you're invited to join us on this fun, friend-filled month with the Friendship Circle. Follow these daily blogs, join our Facebook pages and get in the conversation about the incredible blessings and benefits of girlfriends. And, like girlfriends do, share these blogs with your girlfriends. Together we can influence women to support each other, reach out to women in need of a friend and to be the kind of girlfriend we'd love to have.

Celebrate The Month of Friendship with The Friendship Circle!

Do you ever feel---as the years pass---that you seem to be hemorrhaging friends? Maybe the language is a bit overly-dramatic but most women of a certain age begin to notice that many once-friends, even very close ones, begin to slowly slip out of their lives---sometimes for no apparent reason.

I was pleased to be interviewed by Sally Koslow, who wrote an excellent article on this very topic that appears in the September 2010 issue of More Magazine. 

 

Friends Interrupted highlights some of the reasons why middle-age friendships are so vulnerable to change. It also offers some creative approaches for stemming the flow. Koslow is the author of three novels; the latest is With Friends Like These. 

Sally writes:

I'm a born-again shy person, not the type to buzz through life in a swarm of friends or even a tight group of beloved Ya-Yas. And yet I thought I'd mastered friendship. At my 30th and 40th birthday parties, a satisfying number of warm, wonderful women shared my cake. This seemed providential, given that research tells us friendship may be as essential to good health as not weighing 400 pounds. The Harvard Nurses' Health Study is one of many bodies of research showing that the more buddies we have, the less likely we are to become ill as we age. So I feel all the more freaked out that lately I've noticed friendships becoming harder to start and harder to sustain.

You'd think that as fully vested adults, we'd have this thing down. But no. I keep hearing women lament that relationships they once considered indestructible have become casualties of various life assaults: divorce, widowhood, relocation, the empty nest, workplace bitch-slaps, health problems, glaring schadenfreude or, the most common reason of all, a simple drifting apart. Irene S. Levine, professor of psychiatry at the NYU School of Medicine and author of Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup with Your Best Friend, claims that "the large majority of friendships are not forever." Say it ain't so, Irene! But the available evidence supports her conclusion...

 

Click here to read the article in its entirety.

 

You may wish to read this prior post on The Friendship Blog that offers some additional tips for resolving a friendship deficit.

By Jen Singer

I remember sitting on chairs in my driveway that frightening Tuesday afternoon, watching our kids play while my friend Lynn and I listened to the radio for the latest news on the World Trade Center terrorist attacks. Lynn was waiting to hear what had happened to her cousin, a Staten Island firefighter who was among the first to respond to the scene that morning. I was wondering what to tell my children. The world, it seemed, was falling apart.

 

Lynn and I didn't know what else to do. We couldn't - wouldn't - watch the news. Not in front of our kids, who were all preschoolers at the time. So we did what we often did on warm, sunny afternoons: We had a playdate.

 

Our sons - between us, four of them- oblivious to what was happening just 30 miles from my house, tooled around the driveway on tricycles and ride-on toys, stopping now and then for snacks and bathroom breaks. Lynn and I opened juice boxes, adjusted bike helmets and kissed boo-boos, occasionally turning up the radio for a news update. We noticed that there were no airplanes in the sky.

 

Later, we found out that her cousin had died, one of some 350 firefighters to lose their lives in the Twin Towers attacks. And then we heard that one of our neighbors, too, had died, leaving behind a wife and three children. A few mornings after 9-11, Lynn and I huddled together at church at a mass honoring the victims, while our youngest sons sat in our laps, unusually still. We were both crying.

 

Since then, Lynn has had two more kids, and our boys have found different interests and different friends. I see her car pass by my house on her way to hockey practice, and she sees me when I'm coming home from soccer games. Now and then, we find ourselves at a barbeque or Back-to-School night, where we take a moment to catch up on things. Mostly though, we just wave as we pass by.

 

We used to talk to each other every day, mainly to set up carpools and arrange playdates, but also to talk about our fears, our families and our futures. But we simply don't talk all that much anymore. We live right down the street from each other, but our lives have moved farther apart.

 

And while that could, perhaps should make me feel wistful for the way our friendship used to be, it doesn't. We were close when we needed it most, when our lives ran parallel, when we needed someone to pick up the kids after a birthday party or preschool.

We're still close when we need it, like when her father passed away suddenly and when I had cancer. Lynn arrived one day the summer I was in chemotherapy with a tray full of delicious food and yellow flowers in a little vase. And for a moment, it was 9-11 again; we were there for each other.

 

Perhaps not all friendships are meant to endure at the same intensity, or at all. Kids seem to know this. My sons' friends often come and go, and yet none of them seem to care about it. "He's not really my friend anymore," my son told me last week when I suggested a playdate. And he was right. What's more, he was okay with it.

 

I prefer to think of my relationship with Lynn not as a friendship lost, but as a fond reminder of our days as young mothers. When I wave to Lynn, I'm indeed waving to a friend, but I'm also saying hello to how we used to be, to how we were there for each other when the world was falling apart.

 

 

Jen Singer is the editor-in-chief of MommaSaid.net and the author of the Stop Second-Guessing Yourself guides to parenting. Thanks, Jen, for sharing your warm and wise post---it felt as cuddly as a visit from a friend!

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

Our best friend has been seeing this guy. She's really into him so she wanted us to spend some time together to get to know him. Unfortunately, both of us really dislike him. We find him arrogant and narcissistic, to the point of his putting us down to make himself look better.

 

Our friend has had boyfriends in the past, all of whom we've at least gotten along with, if not genuinely liked. This new guy is, in fact, the first one we hate. He offended us numerous times, both in front of and behind our friend's back. When he's not being pompous and condescending, he's just outright boring. The night we met, he interrupted our conversation many times to tell us unrelated, dull stories, which were boastful and pretentious.

 

The next day, we each separately approached our friend with our concerns and had a couple of civil conversations with her. However, she refuses to see our point of view and chooses to take his side, insinuating that we're jealous because we are single.

 

We don't know how to proceed without causing a rift in our friendship because she's spending increasingly more time with him. We can't bring ourselves to put up with him anymore so she's going to have to divide her time between him and us---no matter how much we love her. We've never been in such a position before and desperately need advice.

Thank you!

Abby and Alana

 

ANSWER

Dear Abby and Alana,

As you well understand, when people first fall in love, they can be blind to each other's foibles. You can warn someone that she is hitching her wagon to a loser until you are blue in the face, but she won't be able to hear you until she gains some insight on her own.

 

You've already hit on the right solution for your dilemma: Limit "everyone together time" and try to encourage your friend to regularly spend time with her gal pals. That way, you'll be able to cushion her fall when she needs you. If she asks, be honest about your feelings about her boyfriend but don't harangue her about her relationship.

 

Keep in mind: From time to time friends show bad judgment or make choices that seem self-destructive. Sometimes, our conclusions about them are premature and things don't actually turn out as badly as we thought they would.

 

It's always a challenge to communicate a balance of honesty, concern, and support to someone who appears to be a bad situation. I admire you for taking on this challenge and being such good friends.

Hope this helps.

Best,
Irene

 

Prior posts on The Friendship Blog that touch on similar issues:

• Feeling used by a friend
• Inseparable friends until...
• Friends don't judge...or do they?
• Watching a good friend make bad decisions

 

 

Follow The Friendship Doctor on Twitter.

 

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

My friend and I are very close and she's recently been under a lot of stress. A family member is dying and she is caring for this person. For about two months, she's been unable to listen to anything I say. If I don't agree with her completely, she angrily says I am not listening. No matter what I say, she says I‘m wrong.

 

I've been trying to be the best supportive friend I can be while her relative is dying. I, too, have cared for a dying relative; I know what it's like. However, even my most caring letters are returned correcting whatever I've said.

 

It's not that she's normally an oasis of serenity - she isn't. I usually am the person she can tell anything to, so I have heard all her complaints. Normally, this is okay as it is tempered with humor and two-way conversation. Now, even when I listen actively, reflecting back what she's saying, she angrily corrects me. I realize her behavior is not about me and she's under stress. However, I'm unwilling to be treated this way.

 

Because my friend's in another country and our communications are by email, I want to write a supportive note that sets a boundary. No matter what I say, she'll probably react with anger, but at least I can write something that is respectful of myself and of her.

 

She seems to have lost faith in me and does not presume any goodwill on my part. If that were true, why would she want me in her life? How can I communicate with her in a way so I'm not kicking her when she's down?

Signed,
Wendy

 

ANSWER

Dear Wendy,

No two people experience death in the same way, and even though you've cared for a dying relative, you can't completely understand---especially from afar---how your friend is feeling and what's she's dealing with. Cut your friend some slack; now isn't the time to set boundaries.

 

Your friend seems quick to anger and sensitive to any perceived criticism. You know her peccadilloes and seem to have accepted them. Yet, as you've witnessed, a person's worst tendencies can be exaggerated under stress.

 

Continue to offer your friend support by way of brief, regular emails but refrain from offering any unsolicited advice at this time or telling her that you know what she's going through. This is likely to be a temporary blip in your relationship that will resolve itself. If it doesn't, you can work it out later when she's back on her feet.

Best,
Irene

 

Previously on The Friendship Blog:

A Final Friendship Disappointment 

 

By Cara Sprunk

 

Having a new roommate is tough. Especially if you are "assigned" to each other and you don't have full control over the person whose bed will be right next to yours for a full year. Trust me, I've been there. I had the worst roommate of anyone I've ever spoken to. Lucky me.

My freshman year roommate and I failed to get to know each other or become friends - we were strictly two strangers who happened to share a room the size of a prison cell. We tried to make rules - our one attempt at creating a livable environment. We agreed on simple things like always locking the door (so don't forget your key!). I was paranoid about my laptop or jewelry being stolen and most of the people in our hall didn't lock their door so I was glad we agreed on that.

We also mutually decided to use headphones when listening to music, as we clearly didn't agree on music tastes or studying schedules. But we failed to make rules about guests in our room, cleanliness policies, smoking policies, and a whole host of other things. Because we had a bad relationship, I couldn't trust her and would occasionally feel like I had to hide my things. Having a roommate you can't trust is awful.

When I came across my sophomore year roommate, I vowed to make that year far more successful in terms of my living situation. Before we moved in, my roommate Jen and I both agreed that we needed some alone time, so it would be beneficial to our relationships if we sometimes just left each other alone. For example, I would come home from class and want to lie on my bed watching TV or talking on the phone. If Jen saw me she might choose to hang out in someone else's room for a little bit, and vice versa. We also established boundaries about guests. If I had a friend over who I knew Jen didn't completely love, I would hang out with her in a common space so as not to bother Jen.

Understanding and managing the distinction between roommate and friend was difficult. I loved Jen; she was a great friend. But sometimes she would do little things that would drive me crazy, and I know she'd say the same. I had to put my feelings for Jen my roommate aside, so they didn't seep out when we were in social situations. It would be a complete waste of time and energy to be mad at her for waking me up late the night before while we were having lunch with all our friends on campus. It made more sense to deal with it when we were in the room saying, ‘Hey, can you try to be more quiet when you come in?' This problem was ongoing and resulted in me having to use a Facemask to block the light when I needed to sleep.

I thought I knew Jen before we moved in, but when you live with someone you get to know them better than you'd want to. You know how clean they are, how often they shower---every little thing you didn't need to know. Again, you can't penalize your roommate for being kind of messy in situations outside of your room if you intend to continue a friendship with them. If Jen yelled at me for keeping an open drink on the table while we were out at a party it would have been super detrimental to our friendship. We discussed issues like that when we were in the room or just alone.

My best advice for living with a roommate can be summed up in this, communicate: Communicate rules, boundaries, and expectations. Then, if you want to have a relationship with the person beyond just roommates, keep roommate issues in the room!

*Cara Sprunk is a recent Cornell graduate with a Bachelor's degree in American Studies with a concentration in American culture. She is the managing editor of Her Campus, an online magazine for college women and the former assistant editor of Red Letter Daze, the weekend magazine supplement to the Cornell Daily Sun. She is former senior writer for Red Letter Daze and both the news and arts & entertainment sections of the Cornell Daily Sun. Cara has interned at Life & Style Weekly, OK! Magazine, and Star Magazine.

If you're heading back to college, you may want to take a look at some of these prior posts on The Friendship Blog.

GW Student Newspaper interviews The Friendship Doctor on College Friendships

College Friendships: A case of easy come, easy go?

Guest Post: Making friends at college

 

Follow The Friendship Doctor on Twitter. 

A recent Harris Interactive Poll commissioned by Hampton Hotels found that 43% of adults travel with a friend at least once a year and at least 74% prefer to take a road trip when they do. The survey also found that the most discussed aspect of a trip is deciding where to go (34%), followed by what to do (27%), and finally agreeing on the budget (14%).

For me, one of the best parts of traveling is sharing the experience with others: both the people traveling with me, and those I befriend along the way. So I was delighted that Hampton (part of Hilton worldwide) recently tapped me as a spokesperson to provide advice to them and their guests on traveling with friends. Here are some of the tips to strengthen the bonds of friendship and avoid unnecessary hassles; they may be timely during these last weeks of summer.

 

Don't Snooze When You Choose

Select your travel companions wisely and make sure they're people whose company you enjoy and with whom you feel comfortable and relaxed. Any vacation with friends offers the potential to bring you closer and to create shared memories that can last a lifetime.

 

First Class or Coach?

Talk costs upfront; some friends are more frugal than others. You may all covet lavish vacations but you're also realistically constrained by budgets. Let's be honest, it's a bit uncomfortable to talk about money. Being clear about any budget limitations will make the trip less stressful each time you have to reach for your wallet.

 

Pick a City, Any City

Where you travel depends on the friends, their tastes, their pocketbooks and the season. Decide if you want to expose yourself to new cultures with different foods and customs or just sit back, relax and enjoy your vacation.

 

Fail to Plan? Plan to Fail

Make sure you and your friend(s) are on the same wavelength about your destination and at least agree on a rough itinerary before you leave home. There's nothing worse than arriving at your destination and finding out on the first morning that you have vastly different expectations.

 

Personality Detours

Allow for flexibility when it comes to travel. No two people behave or think exactly the same way. It's okay to have different habits, lifestyles and ideas about travel as long as friends are flexible, respectful, and willing to compromise when you are together.

 

Do you have any questions/suggestions about traveling with friends or experiences to share?

 

To encourage friends to connect this summer, Hampton is currently hosting an online "Chain of Friends" sweepstakes. You could win the Grand Prize of a entire hotel (2 days for 100 friends). Imagine that. Click here if you're interested in finding out more about it.