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Hi Irene,

I've recently been coming to terms with some deeply buried grief, and also struggling with self-injury problems as well. My "best friend" of 19 years has hardly been there for me and only seems to come around when he needs me. He makes it very clear that he does not care about my emotional troubles, and I find it truly frustrating to try and be there for him when he is never there for me.

I try to be supportive of him and he knows that whenever he calls, texts, or emails me, I will answer. On the other hand, it's rare that I can get a hold of him and even rarer that he'll answer in a timely fashion, despite his "open" schedule.

As I've been going through therapy, I've often asked myself if my friendship with him is worth it. Sure, he has his moments when he can say something nice, but those times are far and few, and the time in between those golden moments is filled with unanswered calls and snide remarks,
put-downs, and just plain old disregard for my emotions. He makes me feel guilty for trying to ask that he be supportive of me in my recovery! It deeply hurts me that even my struggles with self-harm don't even phase him.

He is my only friend at the moment, and it makes me fearful to think of leaving him, even though the cons of staying with him outweigh the pros. What should I do?

Signed, Trish

ANSWER

Hi Trish,

Since you are in treatment, I hope you are discussing this problem with your therapist who knows you far better than I. Since my knowledge of your situation is limited, I can only speak in generalities.

You haven't mentioned whether this friendship has always felt one-sided. If it has been this way for some length of time, it has to be frustrating and disappointing to feel so unsupported by someone you care about and depend upon---especially when that individual is your only friend.

On the other hand, it would be difficult for any friend, even a very good one, to know how to respond to self-injury. Perhaps, you are expecting too much of him.

One suggestion: Your friend may be capable of becoming a better friend if you depend on him for companionship, and depend (at least primarily) on your therapist to discuss emotional issues related to your recovery.

Also, since you feel like your friend isn't as supportive as you would like and is caustic at times, it would be worthwhile to seek out other friends as well. It sounds like you may be overly dependent on one individual who isn't capable or willing to meet your needs.

Hope this helps.

My best, Irene

• You are a mother, and your BFF isn't one and wants to be one. Her fertility problems are making her extremely frustrated, depressed, and angry at you.

• You are single or childless, by choice, and your BFF is always telling you that you are making a big miistake that you'll later regret.

• Your BFF is a merry mother of six and you have no desire to even be a mother of one. When you're together, she never stops talking about her brood.

• You and your BFF both have children but they are at different ages or stages (And one of hers is a biter).

• You and your BFF have vastly different views on child-rearing. You're permissive and believe in letting kids be kids. She believes in turning children into little adults.

• Your children and/or spouse don't get along with your BFF's children and/or spouse. When her son punched yours in the nose, her husband said your son provoked him.

• On a practical level, all other things being equal, you have less discretionary time for friendships than high-school or college-age women, married women without children, and older women. With all your responsibilities, you barely have time to shower.

• You are a mother-martyr who places the needs of your children and family above your own social needs.

• You have fewer opportunities to meet new friends than you did when you were younger and more care-free---you only go to noisy, active places with children where it's hard to have heart-to-heart conversations.

At different times of our lives, there are real shifts in the number and nature of our female friendships. When you were in high school or college, you may have been surrounded by a circle of close female friends. Then you became a mother and for one or more of the reasons mentioned above, you find that you're having more than your share of problems making or maintaining female friendships. 

This Mother's Day, give yourself a little gift that no one else would ever think of. Jot down an appointment on your calendar to have lunch with a friend, or to have a girl's night out. It's the equivalent of putting on your own oxygen mask first. Don't think you are the only mother this has happened to.

Taking small steps to build female friendships enhances our own physical and emotional well-being, and makes us better mothers in the long-run.

Happy Mother's Day!

This post was previously published here in 2008 but still rings true! 

Dear Irene,

I have a friend with whom I haven't really been in contact with for about nine months.

My husband heard her husband say some really nasty things about her. Their marriage was already having some issues and she led us to believe that she was getting ready to leave him. So my husband thought she should know what her husband was saying behind her back. She confronted her husband and he lied to her, and she decided to take his side over ours.

We had been the best friends anybody could ever ask for. We were there for them no matter what, even when their families weren't. We would babysit their two children without question.

After what happened, things got heated. We felt hurt and betrayed, and we really got to see just how much they took advantage of our friendship. But now I miss her and her children. She hasn't really given us an apology but I can tell she's sorry and that she really misses us as well.

My husband isn't quite ready to forgive her. I saw her mother-in-law at the grocery store and found out she's pregnant again and has been having a hard time. I want to be there for her, but I don't want to get hurt again. What should I do? 

Signed, Laura

ANSWER 

Hi Laura, 

It's always difficult for outsiders to get involved when a husband and wife are having marital problems. Although well intended, your husband probably made a mistake by getting in the middle. Given that he did, both your friend's as well as her husband's response are somewhat predictable. She likely was defending him and denying the problems in her marriage---to herself and you.

This situation had to make your friend feel hurt and embarrassed. I'm not clear why you think she owes you an apology---any more than your husband owes one to her and her husband for getting between them.

One way to resurrect the friendship might be for you to get together with your friend and talk about what happened. For now, I would leave your husbands out of the equation. You could start by inviting her to lunch and telling her you miss her. She might reject you or the conversation might go badly but those are risks you would have to take if you want to reconnect.  

However, I am concerned that you feel taken advantage of in the friendship. If this is a pattern in this friendship and others, you need to be cautious about doing more than you want to do for a friend and then feeling resentful. 

Hope this helps. 

Best, Irene

Hi Irene,

"Lance" and I have been friends since third grade, and now we have both graduated school and are getting jobs or attending college. I feel like I've left him in the dust, emotionally speaking.

Despite his attempts to attend college and hold a part-time job, he is incredibly immature for his age and sometimes I feel like I'm palling around with a kid in junior high instead of a young man starting out in life.

He is constantly involved in drama, both with me and with others and I'm really getting sick of the skits he pulls me into. I'm in the process of getting a job as a caretaker and finding a new home, and I feel like I'm really getting on in my life, whereas he's just stuck in a time warp.

He is always playing games with me and causing problems with our friendship for no good reason other than that he likes the drama. And I am so fed up with it! Because of our long history together, I feel bound to him and he puts a lot of pressure on me to stay with him, despite my growing doubts about our friendship's future. Is it okay to leave this life-long friend behind on my way to a brighter future?

Signed, Winnie

ANSWER

Hi Winnie,

It sounds like you already left Lance behind as you began maturing. You mention that the relationship is quite strained already and dealing with your friend is grating on you. When someone changes and the other doesn't, it can undermine a relationship whether it's with a friend or a romantic partner.

Now might be the perfect time to create some distance between you and Lance. Don't think in absolutes. You don't have to split from him completely---but you will be moving on with career goals. Perhaps, you can see him less often and still stay in touch for old time's sake. It might make the relationship better as a result, and if it doesn't, you may want to step away all together.

Hopefully, before long you'll be meeting new friends who are more in sync with you emotionally and at the same stage of life as you.

Hope this helps.

Best, Irene

Hi Irene,

My step mum does not want my dad or his family living with her so we are moving back to England. I now have to leave my best friend and I don't want to. Can people stay best friends when they live in different country? She is the only person that understands me and is basically a sister to me.

Signed, Claire

ANSWER

Hi Claire,

I'm not sure how old you are. Whatever your age, it's hard to move away from a best friend or to have a best friend move away from you.

It isn't easy to replace best friends. My hope is that you will remain connected to your friend through the Internet, Skype phone calls, and perhaps, even letters and visits.

Moving across the pond will certainly change the nature of your friendship because you won't be able to share as many experiences or get together spontaneously. Hopefully, you will find new friends back home. Since it's your native country, it may be easier to make friends there than it was when you were away.

Just thinking: Your mom must be going through a rough time too! All good wishes on your move---I hope this helps.

Warm regards, Irene

Prior posts about moving and friendship:

• Moving and friendship: Is moving a good way to make friends?
• Why do some women have such a hard time making friends? Nature of Nurture
• The sadness of moving and leaving a BFF behind
• It's hard to say goodbye and end a 20-year friendship 

Do you procrastinate more than usual before you respond to emails from one particular friend?

Is someone consistently very slow to respond to you?

A new study suggests that email response time may be one measure of a friendship.

Read my latest article on Life Goes Strong. 

QUESTION

Hi Irene,

I find your blog very interesting and often moving. Sometimes my own circumstances mirror those of others, in terms of having no friends at all. I'm 63, retired, happily married and count my blessings. But despite a lot of effort, time, thought and I might add, money, I have completely failed in building any kind of social circle.

I do try to be a sympathetic listener and thoughtful observer, and I love to laugh. My husband and I have entertained hundreds of people in our home in the last 12 years, I worked very hard as a volunteer for a local public institution for 5 years, I've reached out to distant family members and classmates -- all to no avail. No phone calls, no invites, no reciprocity. I feel so frustrated, used and discouraged. Perhaps it would be better to learn how to gracefully accept a state of aloneness. Can you help with that?

Signed, Karen

ANSWER

Hi Karen,

Many posters on this blog have expressed frustration, similar to yours, about not being able to connect with friends. You see yourself as friend-worthy (and probably are), try to do all the right things to find friends and keep them, yet haven't been able to achieve mutually satisfying friendships.

Clearly, there are others who want to make friends just as much as you do---not just on this blog, but all around you. Feeling alone and friendless is not something women talk about openly because we often feel judged by our ability to make and keep friends.

Although this problem is fairly common, there are no easy answers because the reasons for it vary from person to person. Without knowing you, an outsider can only guess. It could have to do with you, your circumstances, or some combination of the two. Perhaps, you're not aiming for the right type of person, or maybe there is something you're doing inadvertently that puts people off.

The only way to really delve deeper would be to ask someone whom you know and trust. This could be a perfect role for a friend---but since that doesn't seem feasible, it might be worthwhile to speak to a mental health professional about this specific problem, maybe even for just a session or two. Hopefully, this person could help you gain more insight. You are certainly not too old to make new friends, and it sounds like you aren't ready to resign yourself to loneliness---which is a good thing.

One other thought: Be sure to leave the house, at least several times a week, and put yourself in places with other people, even if it means quietly reading a book at the library or taking a walk outdoors. Being at home, thinking about being with others, is especially conducive to feeling alone when you desire connection.

Hope this helps.

Warm regards, Irene

Prior posts on The Friendship Blog on having no friends:

• Why do some women have such a hard time making friends? Nature of Nurture 
• Why would someone have no friends?
• Making friends at 60: I don't want to die alone

Dear Irene,

I'm a college senior. My best friend and I have been fighting and generally having problems all year. Over the past two years, we spent most of our time together. I honestly thought we enjoyed spending that much time together.

When I was really stressed out because of a huge assignment, I asked her to go on a hike with me to get away from school and relax, and she agreed. Later that day she called back saying she couldn't because she had homework to do and that she was going to hang out with another friend to do it. I was furious, because it felt like I was being left for some small assignment, that she probably wasn't even going to do anyway. But on the hike, I managed to convince myself that she was doing work and that I was wrong to be mad.  

The next day I saw her and she admitted she hadn't done any work; I acted like that didn't bother me and I hadn't been mad. I asked to hang out that night to do homework together. She agreed but completely forgot about me because she was busy hanging out with a different friend.

We were at odds for a good two weeks after this but managed to work it out, and decided that we still wanted to be friends. But the rest of that semester we never got very far. I was a little stressed with my own projects, and my friend was extremely stressed about school and plans for the future---so much so that she was snippy and mean to many close friends.

She kept saying that she had issues because a lot of people in her past have left her, and particularly people she thought were close friends. But even then, there were good days periodically when we had fun hanging out together and things were easy.

When I came back from winter break she had completely changed in many ways. As far as I understand it, she decided that our relationship needed to start over from the beginning again. She thought the good days the previous semester had been fake. We have had conversations fairly regularly to see what the other is thinking, determine where we are as friends, and clear up misunderstandings---and we have made some headway but we still fight or misunderstand each other frequently, and it is still awkward.

Stupidly I keep mentioning the past and how different our relationship is now, and she takes that as saying she isn't good enough anymore. I feel attacked because there are things I used to do that aren't okay anymore.

I'm having a really hard time staying hopeful about all of this. My family and other friends keep asking why I put up with this and saying that I should just give up the relationship. They all think that it's her fault we are fighting. But when I talk to her she always mentions how I mess up and hurt her.

I really don't know what to do. And I don't know how to stop annoying her. Am I a toxic friend? 

Signed, Amy

ANSWER 

Dear Amy, 

The senior year of college can be quite stressful. Students have to leave familiar people and places behind and make plans for the coming year. I suspect that both you and your friend are in similar circumstances: each struggling to find ways to get your work done, to relax, and have some fun.

Because you and your friend are having problems now, doesn't invalidate the good friendship you had for two years. More recently, she hasn't been as supportive, responsive and reliable as you would like her to be. Her mind may be elsewhere or she may be gravitating to other friends.

When relationships require this much "work," it means you are basically rubbing each other the wrong way. You may be seeking something from her that she isn't able to give you right now. It doesn't mean you're toxic or she's toxic---the relationship just isn't working. Not all friendships stay the same over time.

While it may be frustrating, you really don't have a choice except to step back and give your friend (and yourself) more space. You can only change your behavior, not hers. Spend more time with other friends and acquaintances on campus or do things, like hiking, that you enjoy doing on your own. Find ways to stay in touch with your friend in a positive way. Perhaps, seeing each other on a more infrequent basis and having lower expectations will lead to less conflict and fewer disappointments. Or it may be that the friendship has simply run its course. Most friendships, even very good ones, don't last forever.

Hope this helps. 

Best, Irene

Hi Irene,

I was recently dumped by one of my closest friends, whom I loved dearly. I am devastated, sad, hurt and disappointed. But I have an extra big problem: my ex-friend is my direct boss. I am an administrative assistant, her right hand person at work. We see each other on a daily basis and our jobs are intertwined.

We met two years ago when I started working with her and immediately connected over many things we have in common. We both love our work and have similar points of view about life. We spent the first half hour every day talking in her office, and sharing our deepest thoughts and feelings, before we started working. I know her mind and her heart, and she knows mine.

I was there for her when her husband was diagnosed with cancer. I read about cancer and about how to give support to a person with cancer and to his family. I educated myself about that type of cancer, so I could help her. I gave her the telephone number of a relative of my husband, who suffered the same type of cancer, so that she could hear a similar experience that had a happy ending. Her husband is much better now.

I also supported her when some co-workers started a "war" against her at the office. She was so lonely, and the situation at the office was very tense. I was there for her all the time, and I didn't allow anyone to badmouth her. In fact, I defended her, and that has brought me some problems (enemies of hers are now enemies of mine). I have been a real friend and a good assistant, and never let her down.  

Recently, we had a couple of arguments that were both work-related. Nothing personal. We tried to talk about it and solve things, but it seems as if we couldn't agree. After the first argument, she suddenly told me that she didn't want to spend more time in the morning talking to me because she was very busy. It was our special time, before everybody else arrived to work, before the busy hours began---and suddenly she wanted to end that relationship. She didn't tell me clearly that she didn't want to be friends anymore; she said we would talk at other times. But it's not possible, because the rest of the workday is hectic. So, now we are not talking anymore.  

One week ago, some co-workers (the ones who had been in "war" with her, we call then "the beasts") came to tell her that I wasn't doing a good job. That I was making a lot of mistakes, and that the situation was serious. They even told her that they had a list of mistakes. My boss asked me to go into her office, and reprimanded me. I told her I was not aware of these mistakes, and I didn't even know what she was talking about. She still said that it had been a general complaint and was very serious.

After that conversation, I went to talk to "the beasts" and asked them politely to tell me what those mistakes were. They were unable to tell me what I had done and there was no list. A couple of days later, I told my boss and she was shocked, insisting once again that they had told her they had a list of mistakes.

I told her I was annoyed that she had believed them so easily without giving me a chance to respond. She said, "You should have heard how they said it". But it doesn't convince me. I still think she should have relied on me---at least she should have investigated before reprimanding me. Especially knowing who these people are.

A few days ago, she again had big problems with "the beasts". The problems escalated and even the president knows about the rebellion of "the beasts." She is in trouble. I sent her an e-mail offering her my support. I enclosed a few nice and sweet pictures (.gifs) showing her that she could count on me, and telling her that everything would be all right, and that the good people will always win. She just said, thank you. That's all she said. But I know she re-sent it to her personal e-mail account. So perhaps my e-mail meant something to her? At least she wants to keep it.  

I have been crying for nearly one month. In two or three occasions, even crying on my desk. How can I still work with my boss, with my dear friend who is not my friend anymore? How can I work with her on a daily basis, sitting in her office and preparing documents and meetings, helping her with computing issues? How can I survive this situation? What can I do? Must I try to salvage the friendship? Must I let go? Must I be kind and cordial, but not a true friend?

I am trying to keep professional, to do a good work, to be a good person---not to badmouth her---and to act ethically. But I feel overwhelmed. Thanks for your advice.

Signed, Bethany

ANSWER

Dear Bethany,

My heart goes out to you. It's a horrible to have a falling out with a friend when you have to work together every day, especially if the friend is your supervisor.

It sounds like you were loyal to her, both in and out of the office. It's hard to guess why the relationship began to sour. Your boss may have become uncomfortable after the disagreement and realized she wanted more distance between you. Another possibility is that she may have realized her "special relationship" with you was creating problems for her with other subordinates in the office.

That she would call you or anyone else on the carpet without thoroughly investigating the facts is unfortunate. I can't explain that at all and it sounds like a lapse in judgment.

Given these recent events, my advice would be to keep the relationship purely professional. Don't count on her friendship but you should expect her to be a fair and reasonable supervisor. Don't send her any more emails of a personal nature and try to stay removed from the politics between her and the "beasts." If your boss isn't able to maintain a professional demeanor, you may have to speak to someone above her in the organization about a reassignment for you---but you should only do this as a last resort.

You will survive this loss if you focus on strengthening other friendships outside the office and by making sure you maintain a healthy work/life balance. I know it will take time to get over the hurt but it sounds like you are on the right track. I hope you have someone else to vent to, in confidence, outside the office because that might help too.

Best, Irene

I've had years of unsuccessful female relationships. I'm 46 years old now and have no true friends anymore. I've really looked at myself and my former friends to learn from past mistakes. My personal opinion is that many, not all, of the mistakes my friends and I made are more typical of women than men. Just my opinion and everyone is an individual.

• I promise not to betray confidences. Gossip kills friendships.

• I promise to genuinely accept apologies when given. Often, an apology can seem like an admission of 100% responsibility when, often, both parties were responsible. So, when a disagreement takes place where both parties share some responsibility, an apology from one person sometimes can make the other feel like the victim, thereby causing some anger. I promise to do my best to forgive. What is the point of my holding grudges? Just let it go.

• I promise not to be so jealous of another's personal victories that I let it damage our relationship. So she has a new boyfriend or got a great job. It's my low self-esteem that is threatened by that.

• I promise not to compete about every.. little...thing: "Well, MY baby was 9 lbs. 5 oz.!" I promise not to compete by omission. Pretending that a personal victory never happened hurts feelings and damages relationships. She lost weight; complement her even if it hurts.

• I promise to do my best to walk that delicate line between bragging and complaining. I promise to be open and honest about something that's bothering me rather than expecting her to be a mind-reader.

• I promise to ask for help with my problems without going on and on and on without let-up. I know I've been a drain and so have my friends.

• I promise to listen more and give my undivided attention. No more texting or checking my cell phone while a friend is talking.

• I promise to have respect for my future friends. Contempt...not good. I promise to remind myself often of my friend's good qualities rather than focus on what I don't like.

This is my first (and very long) post. I've come to realize, not only how important friendship is but, what we women often do to sabotage it. I'll do my best to keep these promises.

This is one in a series of crowdsourced posts, written by guests in The Friendship Forums section of this blog (with minimal "doctoring" by me.) Thanks to reader "Fireflies" for her post on the forums reprinted above.