Blog

Sometimes it may be kinder and easier to drift apart

QUESTION

Hi Irene,

I've been reading your blog after googling to find out if anyone else had experienced similar issues to me. After recently spending some time away with a close friend, I realize I don't like many aspects of her personality.

She is endlessly checking her phone (Twitter, Facebook, etc.), which I find invasive and rude when you are in company. She talks about the same things over and over again and expects me to do the usual nods and responses to show that I am interested and listening. Out of politeness I do, but often she doesn't respond when I have something to say, making me feel she is not interested in me.

One incident springs to mind when I mentioned liking doing something and her response was, ‘Well I don't agree," which stopped the conversation dead in its tracks. I don't believe you need to vocalize every opinion that pops into your mind and the ferocity with which she does comes across as aggressive. She can come across as blunt and completely lacks warmth. She is actually a lot nicer to be around when she has had a drink, as this seems to make her less aggressive and friendlier.

I find I am on tenterhooks all the time as she is judgmental and critical about everything around her (not me, but it makes for an unpleasant and draining atmosphere). I have seen her belittle and bully other people, including her parents and her husband and it upsets me to hear it. She is definitely a bully. I don't let her bully me but that doesn't mean that I like her behavior.

I have quite a strong character myself but she is intimidating and I suspect she doesn't realize I find her intimidating and, at times, unpleasant to be around. She feels that she and I are very similar and I fear that I have may have perpetuated this belief. I believe that she is emotionally unstable and I know that she does not like herself very much, so I often reassure her that her personality/behavior is okay. I don't like to see people feel badly but it's making me feel like I lack integrity when I do this.

I come away from our time together feeling like I have often gone along with what she wants to do. She frequently tells me that I am her best friend and criticizes other friends to me and I know that if I ended our friendship it would crush her.

She recently did something that upset me and I spoke with her about it, but I know that deep down I wanted to use it as a catalyst to end the relationship. I also don't know how I would do it without having to directly refer to her personality, which is why I am asking for advice.

I would never want to tell someone I do not want to be friends because I don't think that they are a very nice person. There is a lot of advice on the Internet about ending friendships if you grow apart, have different interests, or someone does something wrong. What though do you do if you just don't like somebody very much? She is very pushy, so if I avoid her then she will phone/email text to find out what is wrong.

Please help.

Thanks, Barbara

ANSWER

Hi Barbara,

If a friend does one or two things that make you uncomfortable, it's always worthwhile to talk to the individual to see if they are capable of changing or if you can reach some compromise that allows both of you to feel comfortable. For example, it's fairly easy to address discrete behaviors or habits that are annoying, like cell phone etiquette or punctuality, and resolve them.

However, it sounds like this woman possesses a constellation of traits that irk you---ones that are part and parcel of her personality. You describe her as consistently: judgmental, critical, aggressive, self-centered, blunt, and draining. You sound like a very kind and caring individual who has thought long and hard about your feelings before deciding that this relationship isn't working.

It's not your role, nor would you be able if you tried, to change or mold your friend into someone else who is more likeable. Moreover, it's okay to admit to yourself that you simply don't like her; no one has to like everybody and you are entitled to surround yourself with people whom you admire and respect.

The difficulty comes, however, in finding a way to disengage from this pushy person. In my opinion, nothing would be achieved by your laying out a litany of complaints. Instinctively, she would try to defend herself and/or overpower you with arguments. To minimize her hurt as well as diffuse any potential anger she may have towards you, you need to find a graceful way to drift away.

• Can you see her far less frequently?
• Can you make your visits together more brief?
• Can you diffuse your get-togethers by adding other people to the mix?

If you want a clean break, tell her that you've changed and need to spend more time alone, with your family, or with other people.

In all likelihood, she will be fine and will find someone else to take your place. There's also a remote possibility that this will be a reality check that will make her pause and reflect on how she treats other people.

If you still have misgivings or doubts, you may want to read my book, Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup with Your Best Friend, to feel more comfortable about ending a friendship and finding the right way to go about it.

Hope this helps.

Best, Irene

Feeling trapped? Honesty may help 

Why don't friends just talk about it? 

Should friends be brutally truthful with one another? 

**Coincidentally, here's a great article in today's New York Times about the same topic.

On the Forums:

One possible reason for abrupt friendship demise

A point can come in a friendship when you're not only doing a disservice to yourself but also to the other person

QUESTION

Hi Irene,

I am a 21-year-old female, full-time college student. I have had a very good friend since all the way back to pre-school. These past few years, I have been really questioning our friendship. My friend is also 21 and recently had her third child in the last three years. She never had a very stable home life so when she met the first guy who paid attention to her, she grabbed on to him with all her might.

I love her kids very much but these past few years I have been having a hard time watching her make the decisions she does. She is in debt because her boyfriend wanted stuff but didn't want to work for it, so she got a whole bunch of credit cards and maxed them out. She is on full government assistance and does nothing. She calls me constantly asking for money for formula and diapers (which I can't say no to because it is for the kids). Recently, she enrolled back into college and told me she took out around $4,000 dollars extra in loans for only 6 credits (She says she wants a laptop, internet, and a new T.V.).

I feel as though she leans so heavy on me because I am her only true friend. Everyone else she has uses her for the little money she has. I honestly feel like I have lost my friend. She puts her boyfriend before her children for everything. My mother and I have bought all her kids their clothes, toys, and even groceries because she doesn't have enough food for the month.

I feel selfish, but I am getting so tired of our friendship. At 21, the biggest problem in my life should be finals. I feel like I shouldn't have to worry if they have enough food or if I need to spend my last bit of money on a winter coat for one of her kids because they don't have one. Her boyfriend lives with her and doesn't work (there is nothing wrong with him physically). He does drugs in the house with the children there, and she allows it and makes excuses for him.

It has come to the point that when I think of my friend, nothing but a bitter feeling comes up. I don't want to give up our friendship, but I would really appreciate some advice on how to handle this. I am tired of the drama she brings to me and I am at my wit's end.

Signed, Lilly

ANSWER

Dear Lilly,

If you are asking permission to let go of this friendship, you have it from me. I strongly suggest that you say "no" the next time your friend asks you for money---whether it is for her, her boyfriend or her kids. Explain that you are just starting out in life and need to take care of yourself. That isn't selfish. It is realistic. You are not wealthy, don't have an established career, and shouldn't be placed in the awkward position of consistently being asked to bail out another adult at the end of the month.You need to complete your education and become financially independent, and this friendship threatens both those goals.

Aside from your long history as friends, the relationship seems completely unsatisfying and one-sided. You deserve to have friends who are more nurturing and giving to you. It also sounds like you question your friend's values, rightly so, which are quite discrepant from your own.

While I understand your concern for your friend's children, I think you are enabling her (and her boyfriend) to continue to live irresponsibly. I would suggest that you speak to your friend and explain this to her. Tell her that it pains you to see her neglecting her children, exposing them to drugs in the household, and you're no longer willing to subsidize this lifestyle. It may be just the kick in the pants your friend needs to make changes in her own life.

If you feel the children are at risk because of neglect, you need to speak to a professional, perhaps a counselor at your college, to see how to handle this and whether it should be reported to a child welfare agency.

I realize this is a very difficult situation for you. Hope this helps.

I came across an interesting idea on a publishing website called Galley Cat. Author Mary Robinette Kowal is launching The Month of Letters Challenge in February, inviting writers around the world to try to post a letter a day.

Specifically, she's asking participants to mail one item each day during the month. It could be a letter, note, photograph, postcard, or newspaper clipping---anything that can easily be put in the mail. She's suggesting that participants aim to mail 24 items during the month (giving them time off for the four Sundays and the U.S. holiday).

It could be an interesting experience for anyone --- not such writers. It's a great way to reach out to old friends, extend contact with current friends, and make new ones---and see the effect of snail mail correspondence on friendship. Participants seeking a penpal to write to can sign up here.

If anyone here decides to participate, I'd love to hear feedback about your experience at the end of the month.

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

I recently listened to my cell phone messages, and unfortunately found a pocket-dialed call (DEFINITION: A pocket-dial, also called a butt-dial, is a call accidentally placed while a cellphone is in someone's pocket or purse) that recorded a conversation between two of my closest friends. We had been out together that afternoon but they were traveling home in a car separate from me.

They talked about various things, but eventually they came to the topic of ME! The friend who I am closer with went on a complete attack about my entire life! The other friend listened, and never came to my defense. We were not in a fight she just went on a roll, and said very hurtful things. I feel so hurt and upset because we have all been friends for over 40 years! There are 5 of us that are life-long friends and I really don't know if I will ever feel the same about the one who did all the bashing!

If I end the friendship I will be spoiling a five -pack of life long friendships. We travel together, we raised our kids together, we marched at each other's weddings! Our parents and siblings are all so proud of this special group of 5 life long friends.

Since I heard the message, two days ago I have not spoken to either of them. The one who did all the talking called me three times today, and I couldn't answer, because I was just to upset to get into it. They have no idea that I heard the conversation, but knowing what she thinks of me, how do I move forward?

Do I wait a week to talk to her, when I'm not feeling so emotional? Do I try to ignore it, and never tell her what I heard? What's the solution? At this point I really don't know if I will ever feel the same. I confided in my best friend who understands how I feel, but said the 'basher' cares about me, and would always be there in times of trouble. Is that enough? I need advice!

Signed, Bonnie

ANSWER

Dear Bonnie,

Gosh, this is a tough situation. I'm sure overhearing that conversation had to be very painful and has cast a dark shadow on what once was a special circle of friends. Even though this breach was an unintentional pocket-dial, it had to undermine your trust---not only in the friend who attacked you, but also in the one who didn't defend you, and in the group as a whole.

Despite how you're feeling now, don't allow this incident to poison the friendship and long shared history you have with this group. Speak with your attacker openly and tell her what you heard. If you don't, it will always be the elephant in the room between you. Ask her why she made such comments and how hurt you felt upon hearing them. It's likely she will apologize profusely and be very embarrassed.

My guess is there will always be some distance between you and her from here on in but that you'll eventually feel comfortable enough to look beyond this incident. She'll probably bend over backwards to make it up to you.

I wouldn't necessarily be upset with the listener. Hers was a sin of omission rather than commission. She was placed in a difficult position and may not have felt comfortable defending you.

You are absolutely correct in taking some time to diffuse the anger because too much is at stake to react with haste. This circle of friends is important to you so your primary goal should be to preserve the integrity of the group (by not bringing other people into this morass and making them choose sides) and to keep the other friendships you value.

Hope this helps.

Best, Irene

Have you ever been a victim or perpetrator of a butt dial? Which is worse?

Prior posts on The Friendship Blog about circles of friends:

• Circles of Friends
• Friendship Circles 
• More on Friendship Circles

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

While I was in college I decided to room with one of my really good friends that I had made at school. Things seemed to go great that year and I felt that we had become really close. However, near the end of that school year she suddenly left for home and refused to take my calls.

When I finally was able to talk with her about it, she said that I had been mean to her throughout the year and that I was doing things to purposely upset her. I told her I never had done anything to intentionally upset her and that I wished she had confronted me about any issues she had earlier so we could have addressed them. Although we "made-up," it was never the same between us.

After graduation I've tried to keep in touch through social media, but she seems uninterested in continuing a friendship with me. I have tried telling her my feelings directly and apologizing profusely, but it seems that she refuses to forgive me. At this point I have given up trying since I cannot force her to forgive me, but I am still plagued with guilt. I also feel like some of the mutual friends we had in college have also decided to no longer talk to me as well.  

Do you have any tips on how to move past this?  Is it normal for me to feel such guilt all the time?

Signed,

Jessica

ANSWER

Dear Jessica,

I'm not sure exactly what you said or did, intentionally or unintentionally, that might have upset your friend. Here are a few things to think about:

• When you spoke to your friend, did she have any concrete examples of how you were mean or what you did to upset her? Did you think her points were valid?

• I'm also unclear about why your roommate suddenly left school. Did she complete the semester? Could something have happened that had nothing to do with you?

Given these ambiguities, I hesitate to comment because I have no sense whether you have any reason to feel guilty or not. In any case, it sounds like your former friend has a hard time communicating directly, both while she was accumulating anger at you and now. It's always better to discuss little problems before they snowball into big ones---and it's harder to respond to a litany of complaints than only one.

If you do think you really were unfair to her and apologized profusely, there is probably nothing further you can do to resurrect your friendship. If you didn't do anything wrong, don't blame yourself for something that may have had little to do with you. Also, this problem---as you explain it---was between you and your roommate. Try to learn from whatever happened, put it behind you, don't attempt to contact her through social media, and remain friends with the mutual friend or friends at college to whom you feel closest.

Hope this helps.

My best, Irene

• Why don't friends just talk about it?
• My friend suddenly shut me out of her life

• How to reach out to someone who has cut me off

About.com is running a Reader's Choice contest for the best friendship blog. Can you nominate The Friendship Blog?

If this blog gets a sufficient number of nominations, it will be eligible for voting and winning!

All you need to do:

Put in the name of the blog:

The Friendship Blog

The URL:

www.TheFriendshipBlog.com

Why:

Any short reason why you have found this blog helpful!

Here is the URL for making your nomination:

http://friendship.about.com/u/ntn/Friendship-In-Culture/Favorite-Friendship-Blog/form.htm

The deadline for nominations is February 15th. Thanks so much for your help!

Irene

If your friend has no boundaries, responsibility for setting them falls on you.

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

I developed a friendship with someone that started out as a physical therapist. Lately she has become extremely clingy and needy. She is constantly texting and if I don't respond quickly she immediately jumps on me, asking if something is wrong.

To me, she comes across as depressed but she flat out denies this. I am not quite sure how to politely say that I am not comfortable with the overwhelming amount of contact she seems to need. I am disabled and have a house, husband, family, and other friends to fill my life. It's just too much.

Signed, Vikki

ANSWER

Dear Vikki,

It sounds like your friend may have a problem with boundaries---both in mixing her professional and personal relationships, and in being too clingy and needy with friends.

In a situation like this, you need to explicitly let her know when she has overstepped your boundaries. It is perfectly appropriate to remind her that you have responsibilities to others and to yourself. Clarify how much contact and what type of contact feels comfortable for you to have with her. For example, you can tell her that you value your friendship but can only speak by phone no more than x times a week or see her no more than x times a month.

It's always uncomfortable to set boundaries like this but it will be far more comfortable than letting her continue to encroach on your life.

Hope this helps.

Best, Irene

Some prior posts on The Friendship Blog that discuss boundary problems: 

• Needy Friends, A Friend Indeed
• Five Ways to Unload a Toxic Friend
• How to Set Boundaries with an Oddball Co-Worker
• Spinning Out of Control: It's painful to lose friends and disturbing to lose clients

Picture: fence

It's almost as hard to generalize about friendship problems---as it is to figure out how to solve them. Some situations may sound the same or have certain elements in common but when it comes down to the details, every friendship has a different trajectory based on a unique mix of personalities, circumstances and history.

When a serious problem does crop up in a friendship, it's generally unexpected, disappointing, and very uncomfortable to deal with. Communication is key, but many times we're at a loss for what to say or how to approach a sticky situation.

When another journalist recently asked me to identify some of the sticky situations that typically occur among followers of this blog, the 8 scenarios listed below were ones that seemed to recur frequently. I've provided a suggestion or two for resolving each of them.

PROBLEM 1

Your friend is too busy to make plans, breaks plans, and can't be counted upon. 

THE FIX

Make sure she's aware of what she's doing; let her know she's disappointed you; and ask her to be more reliable. If the problem persists, you may need to dilute the friendship by seeing her less frequently and/or relying on more reliable friends.

PROBLEM 2

You can't stand your friend's boyfriend or spouse. 

THE FIX

It's her partner, not yours---and you don't have to like him. What attracts two people can be hard to quantify or understand. If you don't like her choice, try to carve out ways to spend time together with her, without him. You can say how you feel but don't try to talk her out of the way she feels. Of course, if you think her choice of partner is self-destructive, let her know that and try to be there for her.

PROBLEM 3

Your friend is infertile and you're pregnant, again. 

THE FIX

Do everything you can to be sensitive to your friend's feelings but the difficulties she's having may be so painful that it's hard for her to be around you. Continue to be empathetic, refrain from talking about children and childbearing constantly, and don't be surprised if she needs some space.

PROBLEM 4

You and your friend were attached at the hip and now have nothing to say to each other.

THE FIX

Your lives may have become so divergent that the friendship isn't what it once was. Friendships have their ups and downs, and few of them last forever. See if you can figure out what's wrong by talking about it. If it's a matter of you, her, or both of you having changed, try to maintain a more distant connection without cutting off the friendship entirely.  

PROBLEM 5

You feel like you and your child are being excluded by a group of mothers. 

THE FIX

Ouch! The only thing more painful than feeling left out is feeling like your child is left out. See if you can talk to one or more of the parents to see if you can maintain a relationship with her (or them) apart from the group. It might also be wise to try to meet new moms and kids.

PROBLEM 6

Your colleague, with whom you are close friends, is taking advantage of your friendship by slacking off on her work. You were recently promoted and made her supervisor. 

THE FIX

It's unfortunate that she's done this. To preserve the friendship and maintain productivity at work, you need to speak to her and clearly define your expectations of her performance in the workplace.

PROBLEM 7

You have introduced your best friend to another friend of yours and the two of them no longer include you in their plans. 

THE FIX

Although this feels rotten, friend poaching happens more often than you might think. Perhaps, the two of them just hit it off. You can see if you can maintain a relationship with one or the other of the two but, unfortunately, if you can't, you may need to find a new best friend.

PROBLEM 8

Your friend has dumped you without an explanation and you need "closure." 

THE FIX

After a friendship has gone south, it's nice when two people have a common understanding of what happened and why---but this isn't always possible. Often, friends don't give us that opportunity. You can let the dust settle and try to talk to her again but you may need to achieve closure on your own by letting go and moving on.

What are some other common problems you've observed or experienced that could be added to the list?

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

My husband and I have been friends with a married couple for approximately three years, who have many children and a multitude of different issues in their life. I have always been there for both of them and their children, but I have come to a point where I don't want to give any more. I feel used, hurt and stupid.

I first met her husband while I was in the army; we were battle buddies in the same unit. After deployment, I met his wife and thought she was very nice. While his wife was pregnant, I cleaned her disgustingly filthy house and made it spotless. Of course, it didn't take very long to get dirty again. After that, every time she didn't want to clean, she would ask me to help her. Sometimes I made up an excuse not to help, because I am not her housekeeper, but most of the time I gave in. She has three kids at home and doesn't work yet the house always stays a huge mess. Every time, I went there, I was so disgusted that I didn't visit as often as before. They would call me and make me feel bad for not visiting but I worked at least 12 hours a day, sometimes 6 or 7 days a week and didn't always have time to visit.

Neither of them has ever come to visit us. The only time they made an effort was by coming to our wedding, which was only a mile away from where they lived. We have celebrated Christmas and Thanksgiving together at their house, only because they could not afford to go home with their extended family and so we helped buy food and presents. My husband and I have watched their kids multiple times. Another thing that I though was rude was that mostly every time we came to visit their house, they would leave us downstairs with the kids and go up to their room.

They have asked for large sums of money multiple times. Sometimes I would just give it to them; other times it would be a loan. Every time I asked for the loan to be repaid, my attempts were ignored. Now, when they ask for money, I tell them we are broke (which we kind of are because we keep loaning them money and getting nothing back). Now if we do loan them small amounts of money, we expect nothing back. I have loaned clothing to her for different events that she attended and have not gotten anything back after asking multiple times.

Both of them have an addiction to controlled substances which they do not take as prescribed. I have back problems and have received some of these substances from the doctor. When I told them I was taking these substances they asked me for some. I told them that I was all out. They told me that they would pay me for some (yeah right) if I could ask the doctor for an increased prescription.  I decided to stop taking this medication and let them know. They said that I should lie to the doctor so that I could get the meds for them. They have asked me for this medication so many times I can't even count, but I will not support their addiction and I won't do anything illegal.

These so-called friends never follow up on their promises. They have stolen small things from us, and we are always at the beck and call. There are some positive aspects to our friendship... sometimes I enjoy the conversation but it is mostly one sided.

I am exhausted and hurt and so is my husband. We both try to avoid confrontation at any cost. What do we do to change this situation?

Signed, Ella

ANSWER

Dear Ella,

I know that your intent in writing wasn't to compile a list of pros and cons of your friendship with this couple but by doing so, and reading what you wrote in black and white, I hope you realize that this is not a viable friendship. There are no shades of gray here: This couple is self-centered and has soaked you for money, presents, housekeeping, babysitting, and whatever else they can take.

You need to extricate yourself from this one-sided relationship. In fact, you owe them no explanation. Anything you could say isn't like to change their character (or lack thereof). If they invite you over, just tell them you are busy.

Why haven't you and your husband come to this conclusion sooner?  I realize that you may have some shared history with the husband, in particular, but you deserve more decent friends than this. Are there ways you can connect with other couples in your community?

Hope this helps.

My best, Irene

Childfree women and mothers can make their friendships work.

Let's face it, when a woman who is childfree by choice hears that her girlfriend is "in the family way," it's not uncommon to have mixed feelings. Of course, she wants to be happy for her friend and hopeful that she can be supportive throughout this big life change, but there's also the realization that her friend's life is permanently altered.

I remember my own personal experiences when my two best girlfriends' children came along. Vicki had twin boys, and when they were two years old, I sent her a letter basically excusing her from participating in our friendship for the time being. I was unhappy with always being the one who called and sent letters and got little reciprocation, but I knew that she was simply exhausted. I withdrew for a time and focused on the relationships that were closer to home at that point. I reconnected with Vicki later down the path of life, when her boys were less dependent on her. Sure enough, by that point, she once again had time for hour-long phone calls and dinners when we were in the same area.

When my friend Joy announced, in her late 30's, that she was pregnant, I was taken aback, because she'd not planned to have children. She was nevertheless thrilled! I visited her when her son was an infant, and he was all consuming, and I had to again accept the fact of life that Joy's friendships had to take a back seat to her child, at least for the time being.

It was during those years that I felt the most like an odd duck. Despite working full time, I had heaps of free time and this allowed me to travel, exercise daily, routinely get a full night's sleep, and save up for retirement. The life paths of my girlfriends and me were quite different over a number of years, and it simply wasn't convenient to get together often.  I'll be totally honest here in saying that I really don't enjoy hanging out with children-had I wanted to spend time with children, I would have had one of my own, and so I seldom visited Joy and Vicki in their homes. And they were needed fulltime at home and wanted to be there front and center in their mothering role.  Happily, we caught up with one another later down the road.

So, after taking a look back at my own life, I've come up with three tips on ways a childfree woman can maintain her friendships with her mom friends over time.

1) Accept the fact that, even with lifelong relationships, at times our paths separate.

When I was in the five-year process of attaining a PhD and a Psychology license, there wasn't much time for play or money for traveling, and my long distance friends didn't see much of me. They knew, however, that I loved them and that we'd reconnect once I was back in the land of the living.

2) Make an effort to carve out time together away from other obligations, including career and children.

I've enjoyed having girlfriend weekends with Joy over the past few years, now that her son is older. It's a time when the men in our lives, our husbands and her son, stay at home, and we can just have fun together. I sometimes feel a twinge of guilt, but I remember that my friendship with her has thrived since we were nine years old and that well likely grow old side by side.

3) Spend some time in one another's worlds.

A few years ago, I visited Joy in her home, and by doing so I was able to watch her in her mothering role and get to know her child. I've done the same with Vicki, and now that her sons are in college, it's great to realize that I've been a part of their lives, even peripherally, since their birth. Likewise, Joy and Vicki have visited me in my home and are able to see that, despite not being a mom, I have a rich and full life that like theirs, has it's trials.

Recognize that some friendships are destined to last a lifetime, and that this doesn't have to mean having continual involvement and contact over the years. Patience and acceptance are two key ingredients to an enduring friendship.

Ellen Walker, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist and the author of Complete Without Kids: An Insider's Guide to Childfree Living By Choice Or By Chance. She is also a fellow blogger on Psychology Today, where she produces the blog Complete without Kids.